Hi everyone!! Wow It has been a long time hasn't it? I sincerely apologize for the wait. Over the past 9ish months I've had some huge changes (some good some bad) in my life that completely derailed my writing. My wife and I moved, I lost a family member, I started a new job and I'm a manager there now, and the list goes on and on. Anyways, I hope you all are just as excited as I am to be back. I can't believe we're already to twenty chapters! I never pictured myself actually writing a fanfic and I have loved it so far. It's been cool seeing my writing improve over the course of this story- I've reread the first few chapters and they were a little rough lol! So thanks for following along and leaving reviews (or even if you don't leave reviews I see you all too and appreciate you). I hope 2024 has been treating you all well.
In response to the reviews: •WOLFSTAR552111, Hi hello how are yah? Nice to see a new face (not really a face but you get me) in the reviews! Thanks for following! •EmisonLove123, I know I totally have got to quit with these cliffhangers but they're so tempting! Alison is definitely trying so hard to get her girl back. I agree that she needs to open up about her family life! I know the last time I updated was last December but I suppose it applies here for me to be able to say that I'm glad to be back as well! Hope you are doing well friend:). •To the guest who reviewed, I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far! I'm sure it hasn't always been a joy to read lol I'm sorry for all of the angst! We might possibly see the tables turn... Anywho, I hope you're doing good and that I'll see you next time! Much love! •Champaignmami, Hey hey! So happy to see you found this little story of mine and thanks for following along! Hope to see yah next time. •Packersgirl492, Well you definitely shouldn't apologize for the late read/review because I'm extremely late to updating this story! Life forsure gets in the way of fun things like FanFiction. I always enjoy interacting with all of you as well. It's hard though because I can't ever fully respond to y'all without giving spoilers lol. My heart is breaking for them as well...even though I'm the one writing it lol. Yeah I kind of made a big jump for Ali as far as individual maturity and emotional growth goes, but I felt like it was needed. Hahaha your suspicion may or may not be correct! Thanks for always leaving me great reviews. Till next time!
~3mison
Chapter Twenty: Hot and Cold
Alison
'Dead Poets'
"Her poetry is written on the ghost of trees, whispered on the lips of lovers.
As a little girl, she would drift in and out of libraries filled with dead poets and their musky scent. She held them in her hands and breathed them in wanting so much to be part of their world.
It wasn't long before Emily began speaking to her, then Sylvia and Katherine; their voices rang in unison, haunting and beautiful. They told her one day her poetry would be written on the ghost of trees and whispered on the lips of lovers.
But it would come at a price.
There isn't a thing I would not gladly give, she thought, to join my idols on those dusty shelves. To be immortal.
As if reading her mind, the voices of the dead poets cried out in alarm and warned her about the greatest heartache of all-how every stroke of pen thereafter would open the same wound over and over again.
What is the cause of such great heartache? She asked. They heard the keen anticipation in her voice and were sorry for her.
The greatest heartache comes from loving another soul, they said, beyond reason, beyond doubt, with no hope of salvation.
It was on her sixteenth birthday that she first fell in love with a boy who brought her red roses and white lilies. When he broke her heart, she cried for days.
Then hopeful, she sat with a pen in her hand, poised over the blank white sheet, but it refused to draw blood.
Many birthdays came and went.
One by one, she loved them and just as easily, they were lost to her. Somewhere amidst the carnations and forget-me-nots, between the lilacs and mistletoe- she slowly learned about love. Little by little, her heart bloomed into a bouquet of hope and ecstasy, of tenderness and betrayal.
Then she met you, and you brought her dandelions each day, so she would never want for wishes. She looked deep into your eyes and saw the very best of herself reflected back.
And she loved you, beyond reason, beyond doubt, and with no hope of salvation.
When she felt your love slipping away from her, she knelt at the altar, before all the great poets- and she begged. She no longer cared for poetry or immortality, she only wanted you.
But all the dead poets could do was look on, helpless and resigned while everything she had ever wished for came true in the cruelest possible way.
She learned too late that poets are among the damned, cursed to commiserate over their loss, to reach with outstretched hands- hands that will never know the weight of what they seek."
-poetry and prose from Memories by Lang Leav
That next morning,
Alison was startled out of her sleep when her alarm clock went off, almost falling off of her bedroom chair.
She had fallen asleep there.
It took her a moment to become aware of her surroundings as she slowly came to.
She groaned and gingerly sat herself farther up on her chair.
Her muscles ached from sleeping in that position.
Her phone fell to the ground as she adjusted herself, launching her back into reality...the memory of last night flashing to the forefront of her mind.
Alison quickly picked up her phone and checked for any messages from Emily.
There were none.
She sighed, leaning forward and putting her head in her hands.
After Emily's taillights disappeared, Alison ran back inside, sending Tyler away with little to no explanation other than: "Something came up."
Alison was already ascending the stairs two at a time before Tyler had even fully closed the door behind him with his exit.
She rushed into her room and grabbed her phone.
The first thing she noticed was the notification of a missed call from Emily. The call came through around the time Tyler was coming over.
Guilt immediately washed over her.
God what have I done?
Shocked, she slowly sat down on the very edge of her bed.
Not only had Emily unblocked her number, but she called me.
She called me while I was getting ready for some boy to come over.
Alison didn't dwell on that though.
The real worry was what's wrong with her?
Why did she come to my house?
Why did she come to my house crying?
She tapped the missed call notification, and put her phone up to her ear.
Alison stood up from her bed and started pacing.
She couldn't keep still as heard the ringing through her phone, waiting for Emily to pick up.
She got her voicemail.
"Damnit Emily," Alison cursed under her breath, but she waited for the tone so that she could leave her a message.
Alison's heart was already racing, but she felt the rhythmic thuds against her rib cage grow quicker and stronger as the impending sound came through the phone to signal her turn to speak:
"Hey...it's me," Alison spoke into the phone, her voice wavering.
"I'm sorry I missed your call earlier I was..."
"...busy."
Alison pinched the bridge of her nose.
Busy being an idiot.
"You didn't have to leave Emily," she redirected.
"But I-I'm alone now..."
"...if you want to talk."
"Are you okay? I mean obviously you're not okay but..."
Alison felt her cheeks warm up from embarrassment as she struggled to get the right words out.
"...well I guess I'm just saying that I'm here."
"Okay, well..."
"...bye."
Alison sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
She stood in the middle of her room, staring down at her phone.
She was unsure of what to do.
Alison was still reeling from that fact that only a few short minutes ago she was hugging Emily as she cried onto her shoulder.
What could've happened to make Emily come here?
She struggled to believe that the reason Emily came to her house was because Emily was ready to talk about their relationship...that Emily wanted to tell her that she had forgiven Alison...that Emily was going to admit that she was still in love with Alison.
Alison had been apart from Emily for so long and had been earnestly trying to win her heart back for awhile now.
It's not that she didn't want to believe that Emily was still in love with her, but she was battling coming to terms with reality...and reality might not be what Alison wished it was.
Emily didn't write her back over the summer. Emily didn't say hello when she came back to Rosewood. Emily didn't tell her she was going to Rosewood High. Emily didn't want to talk to her. Emily, in fact, had been avoiding Alison altogether.
Maybe Hanna's words were starting to get to her.
Whenever Hanna told her to move on, she would stand tall and deny the fact that getting Emily back was a lost cause, but deep down, Alison was starting to lose hope as well.
Maybe, just maybe, it really is too late.
The only slight glimmer of hope that Alison had was the moment they shared in the school bathroom after the incident with Noel.
Alison saw Emily's defenses come down, but only for a moment...a very short moment.
She chalked that up to Emily simply being thankful for Alison helping her...or Emily simply being emotional from what transpired with Noel, not because the brunette might possibly still have feelings for her.
Maybe it was because she was scared of what might become of her if Emily broke her heart again.
But she's worth it. She's worth the effort, even if that means more heartbreak.
She tried to fight off those thoughts that crept into her mind...the thought that she may never get her beautiful mermaid back, but it was hard. And it was starting to wear on her.
Now, however, with Emily coming to see her, that small glimmer of hope that was once a small spark had turned into a flame.
A small flame, but a flame nonetheless.
Alison deeply sighed and sat on her window seat, looking out into her front yard.
She felt guilty.
She knew why Emily left: Tyler.
Why? Why of all nights did she finally decide to come see me and I of course had Tyler over.
But Alison was less concerned about that fact and more concerned about Emily.
She felt the invisible string between the two of them tug on her heart.
She couldn't describe what she felt, but she knew something was really wrong with Emily.
There's something else going on. This doesn't feel right. The look in her eyes...
Alison huffed with impatience and concern.
I can't just sit here and do nothing.
She unlocked her phone and found Emily's contact, hitting the call button again with resolution.
This time it didn't ring.
She was sent straight to voicemail.
Alison sighed, but yet again waited for the tone:
"Emily, it's me again."
"I'm really worried about you."
"Can you just..."
"...could you call me?"
"Or even just text me to tell me you're okay?"
Alison hesitated for a short moment.
"I love you."
She continued to stare out her window, wishing with all her heart that she would see Emily's car pull into her driveway again, but she knew that wasn't going to happen.
Her eyes glanced over to her purse where her car keys were inside.
She debated on just grabbing them and driving over to Emily's house, but she didn't want to push it.
Emily had just now shown Ali that there might be hope between the two of them, and she wasn't going to blow it by being suffocating.
Part of her already worried she blew it by the fact that Tyler was there.
So she did the only thing she really could do...wait. She sat for hours holding her phone waiting...waiting for a call from Emily that wouldn't come.
Alison spent half the time she normally would getting ready for school.
The clothes she slept in were carelessly strewn across the floor from when she quickly changed into a new outfit.
Her vanity was covered with lipglosses, mascara tubes, and pallets opened and left lying about with no organization whatsoever.
She was itching with impatience to see Emily.
Her hope was that she could intercept the brunette before first period.
Alison flung her purse over her shoulder and took a half hazard glance into the mirror before leaving her room, not even shutting the door behind her.
As she pulled into the school parking lot she didn't see Emily's car, only Spencer's.
Maybe they road together?
She hadn't given much thought to any nerves that she was feeling.
She had hope now.
Things had changed.
Emily came to see her, not the other way around this time.
She assumed Emily was upset that Tyler was at her house last night, but Alison just needed a few minutes alone with her to explain the situation.
She climbed the steps into Rosewood High as fast as she could with her heels on, already scanning the crowd for Emily as she walked inside.
Alison almost instantly found Spencer standing by her locker, but Emily was still nowhere to be found.
"Spencer," Alison greeted urgently.
She was practically out of breath from how quickly she got inside the school.
Spencer finished tucking a textbook inside her book bag.
"Oh...Alison...List-"
"-Where's Emily?" Alison cut Spencer off. She wasn't going entertain the awkwardness that always permeated between the two of them.
Spencer gave her a sharp look of annoyance.
"Not here," she replied curtly.
Alison rolled her eyes.
I don't have time for this.
"Clearly," Alison shot back ruder than she intended.
Spencer raised her eyebrows and faced her.
"Do you know if she's coming to school?" Alison asked in a kinder tone this time, but still impatient.
"No."
"Wow, thanks," Alison spat out sarcastically.
"Listen..." Alison put her hand out to stop Spencer from spitting out another comeback.
"...Emily came to my house last night, but we didn't get to talk. Do you know where she is?"
Alison watched Spencer's facial expression change from her normal stoic nature into something else...sadness?
"So you know then?" Spencer asked somberly.
Alison furrowed her eyebrows.
"Know what?"
Spencer acted like she had been caught cheating on a test.
"Oh, nothing. Never mind."
Alison's eyes widened as Spencer went to close her locker, now acting like Alison wasn't even standing there beside her.
"Know what, Spencer?"
Alison's voice was low.
She knew she sounded way too threatening, but she didn't care.
It's Emily for Christ's sake.
Spencer side eyed her. It was clear as day the brunette was guilty of over sharing, but over sharing what?
"You'll have to ask her yourself, okay?"
Spencer moved to walk around her, but Alison stepped in front of her, keeping her from leaving the conversation.
Alison was quite literally fuming at this point.
Hell would freeze over before she let Spencer walk away without telling her where Emily was and what was wrong with her.
Spencer crossed her arms and let out a breath of frustration.
"I can't tell you Alison. It's too personal."
"Too personal for me to know?" Alison asked, implying that her and Emily were close...as if Alison had all rights to know what was going on with Emily nowadays.
She knew she really didn't have access to Emily's private life now, but in her heart and mind she knew Emily would have told her what was wrong if Tyler hadn't been there.
She came to see me for a reason.
"Look it's just not my place to share, it's Emily's."
At that, her impatience was pushed to a new limit.
"Okay cut the crap Spencer. She came to my house last night crying. She was really upset. Obviously she was going to tell me what was wrong but she drove off before we could talk."
Alison chose to leave out the reason exactly why Emily left.
Spencer held her stare, and Alison could practically see the computing going on in Spencer's head if she should tell the blonde what was going on or not.
"Okay..." Spencer breathed out in defeat.
Finally.
"...But on one condition."
Seriously?
"Okay, what?" Alison answered impatiently.
"You give Emily her space."
What?
Alison was beyond annoyed now, but she would have agreed to anything in that moment just to know what was wrong with Emily.
"Okay, whatever."
"I'm serious Alison. This isn't a joke. I'll tell you as long as you stay away from her and give her time."
Alison was now utterly confused.
Give her space? Stay away from her? Give her time?
What the hell is going on?
I thought Emily came over last night to talk about us.
Why is Spencer asking me these things?
"Give her time for what Spencer?"
Spencer sighed.
The brunette looked around the two of them, as if she was checking to make sure people weren't too close to hear the next words she was about to say.
Spencer took a small step closer to her.
"Alison, her dad passed away."
Alison's heart dropped to her stomach.
No.
"What?" Alison muttered out barely incoherent.
All of the air in her lungs seemed to have completely disappeared.
"There was an incident in the Middle East. Something about a bomb. He didn't make it. That's all I know," Spencer explained.
No.
On the outside looking in, it appeared like Alison was listening to Spencer, but internally her mind was reeling.
This isn't real.
Alison starting looking around her. Her eyes were searching frantically for something...anything. Something to grasp onto. Someone to slap her in the face to wake her up from a horrible dream.
This can't be happening.
"Alison..." she heard Spencer say her name.
Oh my god...Emily.
Alison didn't even give Spencer a second glance before she turned around and started walking away.
"Alison!" Spencer called out for her but she didn't care.
She knew she agreed to Spencer's terms, but that was out the window now.
She didn't think that the information Spencer was withholding was that.
"Alison don't!" Spencer yelled from behind her, knowing damn well where the blonde was headed.
Alison carelessly shoved her way through the students in the hallway.
By the time she reached the doors of Rosewood High, tears were forming in her eyes.
The translucent, far out ringing in her ears was growing louder, silencing every noise around her.
Her feet almost reached the stairs when she felt fingers wrapping around her bicep, making her jump.
She whipped around furiously.
"Let go of me Spencer."
"Alison I know you're worried about her, but she needs space."
Fuck space.
"Let go of me, now."
Spencer gave her a steely look of determination...The same look Alison was throwing her way.
You're not stopping me from seeing her.
Spencer would have to tackle her to the ground for a chance of stopping her.
Spencer still hadn't let go, so Alison yanked her arm out of the brunette's grasp.
This time she didn't hear Spencer call her name as she hurried across the parking lot back to her car.
Alison's heart hadn't stopped hammering out of her chest when she pulled her car along the curb of Emily's house.
The only thought she had in mind on her drive over was Emily.
Emily.
Emily.
Emily.
She was still in shock.
All she knew was that she needed to be by Emily's side.
She didn't think of what she would say or do, only that she needed to be with her.
There was multiple cars in the Fields' driveway.
Alison could only assume it was family.
The situation was starting to become more and more real.
The sinking feeling in her stomach doubled in weight, as if a bowling ball was somehow inside of her.
She weaved her way through the vehicles and approached the front door.
By the time she actually thought that she might need an idea of things to say...things like condolences and apologies, she was already knocking on the door.
A few short moments later, she was met by the heartbroken face of Pam Fields.
"Alison," Pam said in surprise. Clearly the blonde was the last person she expected to see...understandably so.
"Mrs. Fields, hi," Alison greeted dumbly.
"I-I heard about...I came to see Emily," she added while stumbling over her words.
Alison could see Mrs. Fields' bloodshot eyes...the exhaustion in them that one only has after crying more than your physical body can allow.
"It's good to see you after so long Alison, but now really isn't a good time."
"I understand, but if you could just let me see Emily I-"
"-She isn't here," Pam interrupted.
Mrs. Fields' words weren't with the intention to be rude. She was numb. She was mourning. Her mind and heart were elsewhere.
"Oh."
Alison felt beyond awkward now.
She started to regret coming over to her house in their time of grief.
As if Pam could read Alison's thoughts, she spoke up again, helping the blonde in her moment of helplessness:
"She went for a drive. She said she needed to get away from..." Pam nodded her head in the direction behind her, making Alison notice just how many family members were inside.
"...It was kind of you to come, but I don't know where she is right now."
Alison nodded.
"Do you know when she might be back?"
"I don't, but again, we have family..."
Right. Duh. Family. Family is the only people who should be around when there is a loss.
Family meaning not me.
"Right, okay," Alison replied awkwardly.
She almost turned around out of pure embarrassment and stupidity, but she caught herself.
"I'm so sorry Mrs. Fields," Alison added sincerely.
Pam offered her the slightest of a smile in gratitude, but she didn't reply...maybe she couldn't reply, Alison thought.
At that, Alison gave her a sad, tight lipped smile in return and left.
Alison grimaced as her tire hit a pot hole in the dirt road she was driving down.
It didn't take her long after leaving the Fields' residence for her to figure out where Emily was: the lake.
Mixed emotions came over her as she slowly drove forward.
This place held many emotions for Alison.
This was where she confessed her feelings for Emily for the first time.
It felt weird for her to be back here.
She had the most awful, uneasy feeling inside of her because of why she was finally back here.
The pit in her stomach grew bigger, creating an almost unbearable nauseating feeling.
The last time the pair were here was the previous November on Emily's birthday.
Her heart hurt thinking of that memory because she remembered how sad Emily had been that her father was away on her birthday.
Now he's really gone.
The thought alone brought tears to her eyes.
She had been trying to keep herself from crying ever since Spencer told her the news.
Keep it together for Emily.
Oh Em...please be here, she thought as she rounded the last curb in the road.
She let out a sigh of relief after he eyes landed on Emily's Toyota parked under the trees.
After she parked behind Emily's car and turned hers off, she sat in the silence for awhile.
She bit back the tears in her eyes that were still threatening to spill over.
She didn't know Wayne well.
She had only ever said a handful of words to Emily's father when Emily introduced them through FaceTime.
It wasn't her own grief that was causing her to be this way, it was Emily's.
She knew Emily was hurting...more than hurting, really.
She knew this would change Emily forever.
Emily would carry this grief with her for the rest of her life.
She wouldn't ever be the same.
Alison's heart broke for her.
She knew it was going to be hard to see Emily in her grief.
She knew this was something she couldn't reverse for the brunette.
She couldn't fix it.
So Alison did the only thing she could do.
She took one final deep breath before exiting her car and headed off towards the path.
"Shit," Alison cursed under her breath after tripping while she descended down the rocky trail.
I do not remember it being so damned difficult to walk down this.
Probably because I was too distracted being around Emily.
After another near fall and almost spraining her ankle, she gave up.
To hell with it.
Alison bent down and took off her pair of heels one by one, continuing on barefoot.
She sucked in a breath once she reached the bottom of the trail.
There she was.
Her sweet Emily, sitting at the very edge of the dock.
She took her in for a moment.
Emily was holding her legs with her knees tucked up to her chest.
She had a sweatshirt on with the hoodie pulled over her head.
Alison's heart broke inside of her seeing the girl she loved curled up into a ball.
She looks so...fragile...broken.
Alison stepped up onto the wood and slowly started walking towards her.
As she made her way across the dock, she halted in her steps once she heard Emily sniffle.
Oh Em.
Emily still hadn't noticed she was there.
She took a few more cautious steps closer.
"Emily," Alison said softly once she was a few feet away from her.
Emily turned her head quickly to look behind her.
Emily lifted her hand to block the sun in her eyes so that she could see Alison standing above her.
The moment their eyes met each other's Alison's felt her breath falter.
"Ali?"
Her voice was quite and horse.
She sounded weak...defeated even.
Alison took two steps closer and reached a hand down to touch Emily's shoulder.
"I'm here Em," she whispered.
She saw Emily's lips quiver and eyes fill with tears after seeing the blonde.
Alison's body naturally reacted. She dropped the heels in her hand and quickly bent down to her knees next to Emily.
She stared into Emily's watery, bloodshot eyes for just a moment.
Emily looked at her with desperation, like she was asking Alison to help her...to fix her pain.
Alison's heart ached inside her chest.
She hated seeing the girl she loved more than anything in such anguish.
As soon as tears dropped from Emily's eyes, Alison enveloped her in a hug.
Emily welcomed the embrace willingly. She wrapped her long arms around the blonde and laid her head on Alison's chest.
Almost instantaneously, Emily started sobbing.
Alison gripped her tighter.
She kept her right arm around Emily's body and moved her left hand to push down her hoodie.
She held Emily's head gently as the brunette's body shook against hers.
Alison put her mouth against Emily's hair, breathing her in deeply.
"I'm here Em," Alison said again, mumbling it against her hair.
"I'm here."
Alison's words only made Emily cry harder.
She gripped the brunette firmer and looked out towards the water.
She fought back her own tears as Emily sobbed onto her.
She knew there wasn't a thing she could do or say to help her.
All Alison could do was hold her fiercely and not let go until Emily was ready.
The next morning,
Alison found herself back at the lake.
She waved goodbye to Hanna who had drove her there and hopped into her car that she left there overnight.
Yesterday, Emily refused to let Alison drive home:
Alison watched the sun reflect off of the top of the water, almost like there were crystals dancing across the surface.
She was now fully sitting down and wasn't kneeling on her knees anymore.
Emily's crying subsided after awhile, and they both adjusted quietly, not saying a word to the other.
Alison's eyes traveled downward, looking at the girl laying on her.
Emily had her head in the blonde's lap as Alison moved her fingers slowly through Emily's hair.
It felt natural, unforced.
In that exact moment, it felt as if no time had passed since they had been apart.
It felt as if they hadn't been apart at all.
They were both silent.
It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but it wasn't a normal silence either.
Alison wasn't holding her for comfort or enjoyment.
She was holding Emily out of necessity.
There was silence because there wasn't anything to say.
Alison knew that.
Emily did too.
All that was needed for Emily was Alison holding her...to be there in that exact moment...to not think...to not speak...to just be. To mourn.
They stayed in that embrace for almost an hour.
They had been so still and quite for so long, that Alison jumped slightly when Emily spoke.
"Thank you," she whispered barely audible, without moving or looking up at Alison.
Alison parted her mouth, but she didn't know what to say in response.
Maybe she didn't really need to reply.
Emily moved one of her arms that she had tucked into her body and placed it on Alison's thigh.
Alison watched Emily lightly squeeze her skin there.
The touch made Alison's heart flutter involuntarily.
She also saw that Emily's eyes closed.
She figured Emily didn't get any sleep last night.
She knew the brunette was exhausted.
Alison saw it in her eyes when she first got there. She saw the same look in Pam's eyes.
So Alison stayed still for what felt like another hour, letting the brunette sleep in her lap.
Alison's body starting to ache after awhile.
She had been struggling not to move or adjust herself for the better part of the last hour now.
Her muscles were screaming at her to stretch.
She fought off the burning sensation for as long as she could to let Emily get some rest, but it was becoming unbearable at that point.
She didn't want to wake Emily, but she also knew that the brunette had her mother and family waiting for her at home. Alison didn't want the Fields' family worrying about Emily on top of everything else.
She slightly moved her legs that were underneath Emily, making her grimace.
Her legs had lost blood flow and had fallen asleep.
She moved her arm which had been previously holding her up and gently rubbed Emily's lower back.
"Emily," Alison murmured quietly.
Emily groaned and stirred.
Alison couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her lips, but the smile didn't last long.
She didn't want to leave Emily's presence.
She also didn't want to wake Emily out of her peaceful sleep and back into her awful reality, but they couldn't stay there all day.
Alison shook her a little harder.
"Em," she said louder.
This time Emily's eyes fluttered opened.
The brunette took a deep breath and reached up to rub her eyes.
Emily slowly turned her head and looked up at Alison.
They both didn't say a word.
They just stared into each other's eyes.
Alison searched the soft, brown eyes gazing up at her.
She could see the pain emanating from them.
She wanted nothing more than to take Emily's grief away.
Alison thoughtlessly brought her hand up to Emily's cheek, but as soon as her fingers touched her face Emily broke their stare and sat up.
Alison eyed her, watching Emily clear her throat and smooth out her clothes.
I guess I...crossed a line?
Was that too much?
"Emily..."
"We should go," Emily mumbled quietly, like her heart and mind were a million miles away.
Alison wasn't going to fight her on leaving.
That's why she woke Emily up in the first place.
She was confused by the sudden shift in mood, but Alison couldn't question it. Not today.
She saw Emily stand up beside her in her peripheral vision.
She felt her cheeks warm up with embarrassment.
Her legs were still prickling with numbness.
I so can not stand up right now.
Alison sheepishly looked up at Emily who was looking back at her expectantly.
"I um, my legs..."
"...they're asleep..."
Alison glanced down and then back up to Emily.
"...from you laying on me," she finished explaining.
Emily's eyes widened slightly after finally understanding.
"Oh."
Alison's lips curved into a smile.
"Could you...?" The blonde asked while reaching a hand up.
"Oh! Right, yeah of course," Emily replied awkwardly and leaned down to grasp Alison's hand.
As Emily pulled her up, she struggled to put her full weight on her legs and grabbed onto both of Emily's arms for support.
Alison couldn't help but laugh from how comical it was.
For the first time in awhile, Emily smiled.
A big, genuine smile.
You're so beautiful.
Alison's laugh died down.
They both stood closely to each other, grinning.
Alison realized that during her struggle to stand, Emily had put both of her hands on Alison's hips to support her.
Then she really realized their proximity.
Her heart fluttered in chest.
From the look Alison saw in Emily's eyes, Emily must have realized the very same thing.
Their stare was intense.
She felt the blood flow slowly regaining in her legs, but she wasn't about to let go of Emily, not yet.
As they gazed into each other's eyes, Alison saw the deep sadness in Emily's.
The thought of kissing her did cross Alison's mind, regrettably so because now of all times was definitely not appropriate.
Instead, she whispered:
"I'm so sorry, Emily," in the fiercest tone.
I'm so sorry he's gone.
I'm so sorry this has happened.
I'm so sorry I can't take your pain away.
Emily broke their eye contact.
"Can you walk?" Emily asked, avoiding Alison's comment entirely.
Alison didn't mind the avoidance.
She knew it was all too much for Emily.
"Yeah, I think so."
Alison kept one hand on Emily's arm and bent down to grab her heels.
"You wore heels out here?" Emily asked incredulously as the blonde was scooping them up.
"You know me..." she shrugged.
Emily smiled.
"I know for a fact you have at least one pair tennis shoes in your massive collection."
"Yeah from that one time you made me go buy some just so that you could force to me suffer with you on one of your runs," Alison retorted with a smirk as the pair slowly walked off on the dock.
Emily let out a laugh, and it made butterflies fly in Alison's stomach.
"You didn't do that bad you know."
Alison snorted and rolled her eyes.
"Mhm sure, you don't have to lie anymore."
Emily giggled beside her.
Alison smiled to herself as she carefully stepped off of the wood and onto the dirt.
She knew the teasing and the laughing wouldn't last long, but she was glad she was able to make Emily smile considering the circumstances of what she was going through.
"No I'm serious, you weren't half bad," Emily replied genuinely, even though Alison could hear her holding back on laughing.
"Well you'll be impressed to hear that I actually have used those tennis shoes. I've been working out lately."
"I can tell," Emily said quietly as they began their ascent up through the trees.
At that, Alison glanced over at Emily who had her eyes focused on the ground.
Did she just...flirt with me?
Alison bit her lip.
She has been paying attention to me after all.
Before she could say anything back, she stepped on something sharp.
"Ouch!"
Alison immediately lifted her hurt foot off of the ground and grabbed onto Emily's arm again.
"Are you okay?" Emily asked and wrapped her arm around the blonde's back.
Alison grimaced.
"Yeah...I think," she answered very unconvincingly.
In truth, it hurt like hell.
"Here, sit down," Emily instructed.
Alison hopped on one leg and let the brunette carefully help her sit on a large rock nearby.
She watched as Emily knelt down in front of her.
Emily lifted her leg onto her knee, inspecting the blonde's foot.
"Shit Ali, you have a piece of glass in your foot!"
Alison instinctively looked down at her foot, but as soon as she saw the blood she slammed her eyes shut.
She instantly got nauseous.
Blood used to never bother her...that was until the incident with her mom.
She had never seen so much of her own blood before until the time her mom smashed a wine glass onto her head.
Closing her eyes was a bad idea though, because almost instantly she lost control of the present moment.
It felt as if she was transported right back into that her home the day her mom assaulted her.
She started to panic.
"Okay...okay..." Alison whispered.
She was trying to calm herself.
"Hey..." she heard Emily's voice, but Alison refused to open her eyes again.
"I'm okay," she said out loud, but unbeknownst to Emily, Alison was talking to herself.
"Ali, look at me," Emily instructed.
Alison wasn't aware that her hands were shaking and that tears were filling her closed eyes.
All she could hear was glass shattering.
All she could see was her mother's shocked face.
All she could feel was terror.
She jumped when Emily wrapped her other hand around Alison's calf.
"Don't touch me!" Alison yelled.
Emily immediately let go of Alison's leg.
"Ali, it's okay...you're okay."
But Alison barely heard her.
Her hands had now turned into white knuckled fists.
Her tears had now slipped out under her closed eyelids and started rolling down her cheeks.
Emily slowly reached out to touch Alison's arm.
"No...no!"
This time Emily didn't pull away.
Instead the brunette slid both of her hands over Alison's closed fists and gripped them tightly.
"Alison, listen to me."
Emily's voice was loud and firm.
"You're okay. You're safe. Open your eyes and look at me."
Emily's strong, calming voice finally brought her back for a moment.
Emily.
Alison's eyes whipped open to see Emily's brown eyes looking at her with extreme worry.
"W-what..." Alison failed to get words out.
It felt like everything inside of her was screaming.
Her eyes were flying around looking for an escape.
She felt her heart beating rapidly and struggled to breath.
She wanted out of her own body.
She wanted to take off into the woods and run as fast as she could.
As if Emily could sense this, she instructed the blonde again:
"Alison look at me," this time in a softer tone.
Alison shook her head and closed her eyes again, trying to find comfort in the darkness.
She felt two soft hands wrap around her cheeks.
"Can you hear me?" Emily asked.
Yes.
"Can you feel my hands?"
She nodded.
"Okay good. Just listen to my voice Ali."
Okay.
Her hands started to relax.
"Who am I?"
Emily.
"Who am I Ali?" Emily repeated.
"Emily," Alison finally answered.
Her breathing started to slow down.
"Where are we?"
"T-The lake. We're at the lake," Alison said back, her voice wavering less.
Her heart rate started to get back to a regular rhythm.
"Good. What do you smell?"
"You. I smell your perfume."
Emily's voice was grounding her.
"Okay, take a deep breath for me."
Alison inhaled deeply and exhaled.
"You're safe."
"I'm safe," Alison repeated.
"Open your eyes."
Alison listened.
She hadn't realized Emily was so close to her.
She could feel the brunette's breath against her lips.
She followed Emily's breathing, matching it's pace.
"I'm here," Emily whispered.
"You're here," Alison repeated back as tears fell from her eyes.
Emily wiped them away instantly.
She still had her hands wrapped around Alison's face.
Alison's emotions overwhelmed her.
She felt her lips start to quiver as she stared into Emily's eyes.
"Hey," Emily shook Alison's head very lightly and gripped the blonde's face a little stronger, "Just look at me. Just breath."
Alison nodded with tears in her eyes as she tried her hardest to suppress herself from crying harder.
She moved her hands up to cover Emily's wrists that were clasped around her face.
Emily nodded with her and dramatized her breathing so that Alison could follow.
After a few moments, Alison regained more control.
She found strength in Emily's eyes.
It was very similar to the look she gave Emily in the lunchroom...a look that gave them each other's strength...a look that told them they weren't alone because they had each other.
As she relaxed, she felt a rush of guilt.
What am I doing?
Emily is comforting me.
She's the one who needs comfort, not me.
"I-I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"-Ali stop. It's okay."
Alison shook her head.
"No, no I'm sorry Emily."
"For what?" Emily asked with a smile, as if Alison was simply being ridiculous for apologizing.
Alison smiled sadly at her.
She moved her hands off of Emily's and put them on the brunette's face, mirroring her.
Alison watched Emily's breath catch in her throat.
"I love you," Alison whispered.
I love you so much Emily.
At that, Emily's fingers drifted off of Alison's face.
Alison followed suit, getting the hint, and removed her own hands off of Emily's cheeks.
Alison looked down at her hands in her lap with defeat.
She wasn't sure how to feel.
The day had been a whirlwind to say the least.
She felt like she could cry again, but then she felt Emily's fingers interlock with hers.
She was staring at their hands when heard the quietest of whispers:
"I love you too."
Emily's voice was so quite that Alison wasn't even sure she heard it.
Alison considered the possibility that Emily may have not even said it all.
Am I that delirious?
Before she could even begin to think of what to say or do next, Emily already put her focus elsewhere.
"I'm going to look at your foot, okay?"
And just like that, Emily's hands slipped out of hers.
Right. My foot.
She watched Emily lean back onto her heels and carefully lift the blonde's leg.
Suddenly the nausea returned.
Emily furrowed her eyebrows as she inspected it closer.
Alison sharply inhaled as she felt a jolt of pain come from the cut.
"It's not too bad. I just need to get the glass out and clean it. You won't need stitches."
Stitches.
Alison forced out the memory of her going to the hospital with Hanna and Mrs. Marin.
"I have a first aid kit in my car. I'll be right back okay?" Emily said, avoiding eye contact entirely.
Alison nodded.
She watched Emily disappear up the path before letting out an audible groan.
I'm such an idiot.
She felt beyond embarrassed.
Not only had she made a complete fool of herself, she somehow turned the focus onto her.
Jesus Christ her dad just died and here I am the helpless lamb needing Emily to take care of me.
Goddamnit why couldn't I have just held it together?
"Got it," Emily said proudly as she approached Alison with the first aid kit in her hands.
"Only you would have a first aid kit in your car," she teased, trying desperately to move on from her breakdown...trying to pretend that she was okay.
Emily glanced up at her with a small smile as she pulled Alison's leg back onto her own.
She flinched when Emily grabbed her ankle.
"Sorry," Alison apologized.
Emily must have sensed her fear.
"Ali it's going to be okay. I promise it's not that bad. I'm going to pull out the glass, clean it, and wrap it up, okay?"
She saw the steadfastness in Emily's eyes.
It calmed her.
"Okay."
Emily gave her one more look before opening the first aid kit.
Alison closed her eyes again and tried to focus on her breathing.
It's okay. I'm okay.
She kept repeating those words in her head over and over.
"There."
Alison opened her eyes.
Emily held up the small shard of glass for the blonde to see.
"Easy peasy," she said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood for Alison.
Alison returned the smile, but she felt like she could faint.
She held her breath as Emily grabbed a bottle of antibacterial disinfectant.
"All right, this might sting."
And it did. A lot.
"Fuck, Em," she seethed.
Emily looked up at her sheepishly.
"Sorry."
Alison gritted her teeth together and waited for the pain to ease.
God I'm such a big baby.
She leaned her head back and looked up at the big pine trees above her swaying in the wind.
She felt Emily wrap gauze around her foot, over and over until it was tightly wrapped.
Alison kept her eyes trained on the trees until she felt something that was the opposite of pain, but pleasure.
Emily ran her fingers gently over the top of her foot and around her ankle, caressing the skin there.
Alison's eyes flickered down to the brunette kneeling in front of her.
Emily was gazing up at her with a look that made Alison's body warm up.
But just like Emily's admission of her love, the brunette quickly changed gears.
Emily cleared her throat and carefully put Alison's leg down.
"Here, let me give you my shoes."
"No Em, you cutting your foot like me is the last thing you need today."
Emily snorted.
"Unlike you I'll actually pay attention to where I'm walking."
Alison raised an eyebrow playfully as Emily smirked up at her.
She decided to be brave and flirt with her by saying:
"It's not my fault that you're so distracting."
She watched the familiar look of shyness come over Emily, but she couldn't tell how the brunette really felt.
God that's the question of the century...How do you really feel Emily?
Emily avoided eye contact and cleaned up the first aid contents that were spread around on the ground.
"Well if you won't take my shoes, you'll have to let me carry you."
"Absolutely not," Alison refused.
Alison was already embarrassed about how she acted over a little cut, and she was not about to let Emily carry her up a hill.
"Then how do you suggest we get you back to your car?"
"I can walk."
Alison reached down for her heels.
"Ali, seriously, just let me carry you."
Stubbornly, Alison ignored her entirely and leaned down to slip her heels back on.
It wasn't until she attempted to slip the heel on her hurt foot that she realized it was not going to happen.
Alison huffed as Emily looked on in amusement.
She rolled her eyes when she saw the contented look of Emily's.
She knew she proved the brunette's exact point.
"Okay," Alison sighed, "You can help me, but you are not carrying me."
Emily simply stood up in front of her with a smile and reached out a hand.
It took some hobbles, some curse words, and a little sweat for the two of them to make it back up to their cars, but they did it.
Alison released her arm that was around Emily's shoulders, but Emily kept a cautious hand on the blonde's forearm.
"Well, um...thanks for helping me."
Emily gave her a dumbfounded look.
"You aren't driving home," the brunette stated as if it were obvious.
"Emily I'm fine, it's just a stupid cut."
"Yeah a cut on your right foot...your driving foot. Let me take you home Ali. I'm sure your mom or Hanna can bring you back here later to get your car."
"You shouldn't be taking care of me right now Emily. You don't need to worry. It was a silly accident."
Emily gave her a serious look.
"Can you stop being so stubborn? I'm driving you home."
Alison could hear the exasperation in Emily's voice, but she was not about to cause any more fuss over herself today of all days.
"Emily your...your father just..."
Your father just died and I came to comfort you and I hurt my foot and now YOU are the one taking care of ME. This is ass backwards.
"Ali...just get in the car."
Alison saw the determination in the brunette's eyes.
Since when did she get so stubborn like me?
"You're really not going to let me drive are you?" Alison breathed out in defeat.
Emily shrugged, "Nope."
Alison gave her one more look and finally gave in.
"Fine," she huffed.
This time she didn't accept Emily's shoulder for support. Instead she limped over to the brunette's passenger side door by herself.
She didn't realize Emily was following closely behind her.
She figured Emily was walking around to the drivers side of the car, so she jumped after Emily's hand touched the small of her back.
Alison turned her head and breath caught in her throat.
She figured she wouldn't ever get over the feeling of being close to Emily, no matter the circumstances.
Emily reached her arm around Alison's body and opened the door for her, but Alison stayed still.
I can't believe the focus is all on me right now.
"Emily..."
She wanted to address Emily's loss more than she already had.
She wanted to acknowledge Emily's pain.
She wanted Emily to talk to her about what she was feeling...about her grief.
"Can you get in alright?" Emily asked, ignoring her yet again.
Okay.
It's too much for her.
Maybe her helping me is a good distraction for her right now.
"Yeah, thanks."
Alison gingerly slid into the passenger seat and watched Emily shut the door behind her.
After getting inside the vehicle, Emily's scent filled her nose.
It made her nostalgic, especially being back in Emily's car.
Emily sighed as she slid into the drivers seat.
"Ready?"
Alison eyed her.
It surprised her that Emily had quickly put up an emotional wall.
Granted, slicing her foot on glass shifted the focus, but Alison knew what Emily was doing.
Alison was very familiar with pretending everything was fine on the outside when in reality it wasn't.
She understood Emily was just trying to survive at this point...even if that meant surviving another hour until she was alone so that she could cry again by herself.
I just wish she didn't have to put up that front with me though.
The irony was that Alison was doing the same thing.
She was still shook up from hurting herself...from the way she lost control of her own emotions so quickly.
Except losing a parent and cutting your foot weren't anything you could compare to another, and that's why Alison felt so guilty that the roles of who was comforting who switched.
Before Emily could put the car into drive, Alison reached over and slipped her fingers over Emily's that were on the gear shift.
"Em, do you want to talk? We don't have to leave just yet. We can stay here for a little longer or-"
"-I have family waiting back at my house."
"I know, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm here. I'm always here that is...that is if you want me...?"
She didn't mean to turn the conversation into something about them, but it naturally came out of her mouth.
And maybe that's the truth? Maybe I can't really be there for her unless we discuss us, but it's not fair of me to ask her to talk about us right now.
"...not that we have to talk about...I-I didn't mean-"
"-I know," Emily interrupted her babbling.
Emily hooked a finger through one of Alison's.
"I know," Emily repeated again.
And that was enough for Alison.
All she wanted was for Emily to know that she was there for her.
She wish Emily knew that she wanted to be there for her as her girlfriend, but that was a conversation for another day...she hoped.
They were both silent on the drive to Alison's house.
It was a similar silence they shared at the dock earlier that morning.
It's not that Alison didn't want to say anything...in truth she had so much more she wanted to say to Emily, but she was fine with this for now.
And she knew Emily was fine with the silence too.
The whole day she let Emily lead.
She let Emily show her what she needed.
She didn't push or pull.
She just reacted and listened and tried to gauge where Emily was at.
Alison had a sneaking suspicion that something changed between the two of them ever since Emily chose to come to her house yesterday.
She felt secure enough that maybe...just maybe there was more hope after all.
But what she really was concerned about was if Emily would make it.
This loss was monumental...it was devastating.
She knew Emily was in shock.
She knew it was still way too raw.
One day was not enough time to process grief...maybe one life wasn't even enough time to recover.
Alison's eyes traveled over to Emily who was driving.
She studied her features.
I wish I could know what you are thinking...what you're feeling.
Emily must have felt her eyes on her because she quickly glanced over, taking her eyes off of the road for a moment.
"How's your foot feeling?" She asked as she pulled up in front of Alison's house.
Alison took in a deep breath.
"Not bad, it'll be fine," she breathed out, looking at her house.
She saw her mom's car out front.
"Ali..."
Emily's serious tone reeled her back into the present moment.
"Hm?"
"I think we should talk about what happened," Emily said as she undid her seatbelt and shifted in her seat, facing the blonde a little more.
Alison squinted at her.
Well, a lot happened.
"Talk about...?"
Emily opened her mouth, but it seemed like she changed her mind for a moment.
Alison waited patiently.
"You had a panic attack."
Oh.
She broke eye contact with Emily.
"I just overreacted a little. Blood makes me queasy," she explained nonchalantly.
"Ali-"
"-Don't worry about me Em. It's no big deal."
Alison could tell Emily wasn't buying it.
She was prepared to wave off anything else Emily tried to justifiably say, but what the brunette said next caught her off guard:
"My dad," Emily began, her voice cracking slightly, "He suffered from anxiety. He would have panic attacks sometimes. His doctor said that...that it's a common occurrence of someone who has PTSD."
PTSD?
Alison did admit to herself that she overreacted, but a panic attack?
No. That's not me.
Before she could rebuttal, Emily beat her to it:
"Ali, did something happen? Did...did someone...? Did someone hurt you?"
Yes.
Alison bit her inner lip.
Maybe I should tell her.
Maybe I shouldn't though.
She has too much going on right now.
I can't burden her with this.
Their conversation was interrupted by Emily's phone buzzing.
Alison glanced down at it and saw that Pam was calling.
"Answer her," Alison said kindly.
"But-"
"-It's okay, I'm fine," she replied with a tight lipped smile.
Emily gave her a look of disbelief, like she could see right through Alison's lies.
Alison touched Emily's forearm gently, "I promise. Go be with your family."
And just like that, she exited Emily's car and watched the brunette drive off while on the phone with her mom.
Alison still hadn't fully wrapped her head around everything that transpired between the two of them yesterday.
Emily's father passed away.
Emily said she loved her...maybe?
Emily flirted with her...maybe?
She made a complete fool of herself in front of Emily.
It was all too much to think about.
So Alison took it one step at a time, focusing on what was most important which was being there for Emily and giving her support through her grief.
Alison drove off from the lake in a hurry.
She was headed back to Emily's house.
Today was the funeral.
The only reason Alison even knew that the funeral was happening was because of her mom...surprisingly.
Mrs. DiLaurentis had called Mrs. Fields yesterday evening to offer her condolences, and her mom told her about the service.
Alison wondered why Emily hadn't told her about it.
Selfishly, it hurt her feelings a little.
She knew she had no right to be upset with Emily.
If anything she figured Emily was too overcome with grief to even think about asking Alison to come.
It crossed her mind that Emily may have not invited her on purpose, but considering yesterday, Alison decided that she would go.
She wanted to continue to be by Emily's side through this.
She wanted to help her in any way she could.
Because she loved Emily. She loved her more than anything. She was in love with her.
So why wouldn't she be pulling up at the Fields' house for the second time in the last 24 hours?...
...Right?
Is it weird that I'm back here?
Is this a mistake?
No. Emily would want me there...I think.
She wanted me the night she found out about her dad.
She wanted me yesterday at the lake.
Maybe I'm just overthinking this entirely.
Alison looked at herself in the mirror in her car, checking to make sure her makeup was still in good shape.
She did a one over of herself.
She triple checked that her boobs weren't hanging out of her black dress too much.
Then she gave a look of disgust after seeing the plain black flats she had on.
Alison couldn't wear her heels because of her foot, so she resorted to digging through her mother's closet earlier that morning.
They weren't entirely ugly, but they had to do.
She carefully reapplied her lip gloss and popped her lips together.
Before she opened her car door, her eyes glanced up to Emily's bedroom window.
She still hadn't gotten rid of the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach ever since she heard the news.
Alison wished she could bear this pain, not Emily.
Emily didn't deserve this.
She knew grief was linear...no real way to chart it or determine how someone is going to act.
Grief effects everyone differently.
Some days are bad, some days are even worse.
Some days might be good, but they'll never be the same.
Some days are downright excruciating, and Alison knew today would be one of those days for Emily.
She watched a family member exit the Fields' home.
Now or never.
She charted the same path she did yesterday, closing her car door and weaving through parked vehicles until she reached the front door.
She knocked twice.
"Alison, hi," Mrs. Fields greeted her with surprise like she wasn't expecting her.
Deja vu.
"Hi Mrs. Fields."
"You look very nice," Pam complimented Alison's funeral attire.
"Thank you, you as well."
Mrs. Fields had on a plain, simple black dress.
"Emily didn't tell me you were coming over before the service."
"Oh, she didn't?"
Alison lied.
Emily wasn't expecting her to come over...or even come to the funeral for that matter.
"She must have forgotten. It's been a crazy last few days with...well with all of our company."
Alison gave her a sad smile.
"Oh, sorry! Where's my manners? Come in, come in," Pam ushered her inside.
Alison was taken aback by how different Mrs. Fields was compared to the day before.
She had a sneaking suspicion that Pam was putting up a front, just like Emily had been yesterday.
"Thank you."
Alison slipped off her shoes and set them next to a pile of others in the entryway.
"Do you want anything to eat or drink? My cousins have gone overboard with cooking," Mrs. Fields offered.
Alison peeked behind her and saw the enormous amount of food strewn across their dining table.
"I'm fine, thank you. Is Emily...?"
"She's in her room. You still know your way around?"
Like the back of my hand.
"I do, thanks."
Pam put her hand on Alison's bicep and gave her a small squeeze, "Anytime."
It wasn't long before she was knocking again, but this time it was on Emily's bedroom door.
Her heart naturally starting beating faster.
The last time I was in her room I was...well, trashed.
Then I woke up in her bed and she was gone, halfway to Texas.
God I really was an idiot.
The door swung open.
"Ali," Emily greeted her with the same surprise her mother did.
Alison almost forgot how to speak for a moment.
Emily looked gorgeous.
It wasn't everyday the brunette had makeup on and her hair curled.
Despite the reasons for why Emily was dressed up, Alison still couldn't help herself from feeling flustered.
Emily squinted her eyes at her.
She must've looked like a love drunk fool standing there with her mouth practically open, too stunned to say anything.
Speak dummy!
"Hi," Alison greeted lamely.
In that moment she thanked god for her foundation because she was sure her cheeks were extremely flushed.
She watched Emily run her eyes down her body.
Alison heard some laughter downstairs.
"I, uh...could we..." she motioned inside Emily's bedroom.
"Um, sure," Emily agreed and opened her door wider, letting Alison inside.
Alison slowly walked past Emily and into her bedroom.
A lot had changed.
Emily repainted.
She had a bigger bed.
She had taken down pictures of herself as a kid.
She had put up some new posters.
As Alison took in her room, she heard Emily clear her throat from behind her.
Alison turned around with her hands interlocked in front of her body.
Emily looked at her with hesitation...confusion even.
"Not to be rude, but...why are you here Ali?"
Alison was taken aback slightly.
I'm wearing a black dress...your dads funeral is today...I think it's self explanatory.
"Well I wanted to check in with you before the service. See if you wanted any company?"
She watched curiously as Emily pursed her lips.
The brunette still hadn't moved away from her doorway.
"Oh..."
Oh?
Suddenly Emily turned to close the bedroom door and took an awkward step forward.
"About that..." Emily walked over to her window seat, "...Listen, we should talk. Do you...want to sit?"
Alison followed suit and sat down beside her, waiting for what she had to say.
Why is there so much tension right now?
Emily fidgeted with her fingers in her lap, avoiding Alison's eyes.
"I want to say thank you for being there for me yesterday-"
"-Of course," Alison interrupted.
She was starting to get impatient.
Why is this so awkward?
Emily still had yet to look her in her eyes since they sat down.
"But it doesn't change anything."
Alison felt the air get knocked out of her lungs.
She instantly put two and two together.
That's why it feels awkward...she doesn't want me here.
But Alison wasn't going to let it be that easy.
"What do you mean?"
Emily looked over at her.
"You know what I mean."
Alison felt herself begin to get angry, but she took a deep breath.
"I don't," she answered firmly.
Emily sighed.
"I appreciate you making the effort to come to the service today, but I think this is something I just need to do on my own."
"Okay," Alison replied numbly.
Frankly she was shocked.
She felt whiplashed.
"Look I get that me coming to your house may have confused things, but-"
"-Why did you come to my house Emily?"
You and I both know why you came to see me.
I'm still in love with you and I have a feeling you're still in love with me too.
You came to me because I'm your home.
You needed me just like I've needed you.
At that, Emily looked away.
"I appreciate what you did for me yesterday, but-"
"-What I did? You don't have to thank me Emily. You don't have to talk to me like I'm some stranger. I came to be with you because I love you. And if I remember correctly you came to me first."
Alison very quickly lost all patience.
It felt like all of the sadness and anger from waiting to hear from Emily for months on end finally bubbled over, and now it was too late to stop it.
But Alison apparently wasn't the only one with hidden frustrations.
Emily abruptly stood up and walked over to her bed before whipping around to face the blonde.
"And if I remember correctly you had company," Emily spat back.
There it is.
"Tyler and I aren't dating Emily," she explained calmly, trying to get her emotions under control.
She does care. She's jealous.
Alison didn't want Emily to feel jealous, but god, finally some emotion from her. Finally she's giving me something.
I've been begging and scraping for something from her for forever now.
Emily looked embarrassed, like she showed her hand of cards in a poker game.
But Alison was tired of games.
Emily wasn't a game to her.
She knew she treated their relationship frivolously before and that's how she lost her.
She wasn't going to do it again.
Alison visibly saw Emily's frustrations.
She could tell the brunette was upset with herself for mentioning Tyler.
"Emily..." Alison stood up, "...I don't want Tyler."
"It doesn't matter," Emily backtracked, "I'm just saying that yesterday was an emotional day and-"
"-it doesn't matter?" Alison asked back incredulously.
Don't lie.
Don't you dare lie to me and tell me it doesn't matter.
Emily flung her hands in the air, "Why would it?"
Emily's words made Alison flinch, and she lost it.
She was tired of Emily pretending like she didn't care when they both knew the truth.
She was tired of the avoidance.
"Are you kidding me? You're seriously going to ask me why it wouldn't matter?"
Emily parted her mouth, unable to speak.
"Tell me, do you think it didn't matter to me when I heard about Maya?" Alison asked furiously.
Emily's eyes whipped up to hers.
She could tell that Emily wasn't completely positive if Alison knew about Maya or not.
Now you do.
"Because it did," Alison answered her own question, "It did matter Emily. It still does."
"I-I'm sorry Ali."
"Don't," Alison warned, "Don't apologize for something you aren't sorry for."
And she meant it, genuinely.
She didn't mean it venomously.
She didn't want fake apologies.
"But I am sorry for hurting you," Emily said quietly.
"If you and I apologized for all of the ways we have hurt each other we could be here forever Emily. I don't want that. I just want to talk about it. I want to talk about us. I want to move forward. That's what I've been trying to do."
Emily's eyes flickered to the ground.
"I know."
"I'm sorry for starting this conversation today. I just...I've been waiting," Alison's voice cracked and tears started building, "I've been waiting for you for what has felt like forever Emily."
It was clear Emily was at a loss of words, so Alison continued:
"I wrote to you months ago and you never responded. Which is fine, I understand. I hurt you...I know that. I know I can't take it back-"
"-Ali..."
"I can deal with you not speaking to me. Hell, I can try to handle you moving on. But this," Alison let the tears fall, "This is unfair and you know it. I wouldn't have even showed up today or yesterday if you didn't come to see me first Emily. It's confusing."
Emily stood there as Alison spoke, tears building in her own eyes too.
"You know how I feel about you. I love you...god I'm so in love with you, but what you're doing to me isn't fair. I know..." Alison took a deep breath after her voice wavered to keep herself from succumbing to crying, "...I know you are struggling, and I'm so sorry for your loss Emily, but I won't be someone you can just pick and chose what parts you want and when you want it."
"Ali-"
"-Just let me...let me finish, please."
She was afraid that if she didn't, she would never have the nerve to say it again.
"It's black and white Emily. You're either still in love with me or you're not, and I deserve to know. Not today, but I won't keep doing this. Being around you...talking to you...touching you...it's too much. I can't do it, not like this."
Alison took a deep breath in between her speaking.
"And for the record, I'm sorry about Tyler. Believe me, I wish he wasn't there that night. If I'm being entirely honest, he has asked me to date him, but I told him no because I want to date you, not him."
Alison couldn't bare to look at Emily anymore.
She went to open the bedroom door, but then stopped.
"And Emily..." she turned back around to face her again, "I hope it's a beautiful service," she added sincerely.
And just like that, Alison opened the door and left.
Later that evening,
Music was blasting through a speaker in Hanna's bedroom.
"Are you sure you want to go to Ben's party tonight?" Hanna asked as she was curling her hair.
"God yes. I need to drink, dance, and most importantly have my Hanna time," Alison replied with a wink.
"You do have to share me with Caleb though."
Alison starting flipping through Hanna's closet, trying to decide what to wear with her black mini skirt.
"As long you drink and dance to a few songs with me, I'll be willing to share."
"You know, Tyler is going to be there."
Alison rolled her eyes out of Hanna's view.
"Pretty sure most of Rosewood High is going to be there Han."
"He asked me about you today."
Alison turned her head to look at Hanna.
"Why?"
"He was wondering why you weren't at school and asked me if you were okay."
"What did you tell him?"
Hanna guiltily looked at her through the mirror.
"That you were sick."
"Did you not think I was going to the party? He's going to wonder how I miraculously recovered from being sick in less than 8 hours Han. You gotta get better at lying."
"Well I didn't want to tell him about Emily's dad and I figured you'd be with her all day."
Alison's face fell.
"Yeah, I did too."
Hanna eyed her in the mirror and then spun around in her chair.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Alison turned back around and reached for a hanger.
"Not really."
"I just don't understand why all of the sudden she just decided that you weren't welcome at the funeral when she came to your house and cried on your shoulders for hours yesterday."
"I said I didn't want to talk about it."
"Ali, come on. She's using you!"
Alison, ignoring Hanna, spun around and held up a tiny, red lace tank top.
"What about this one?"
Hanna tilted her head, "Oh yes, and try on that blue one with the v-cut!"
Not blue. Blue reminds me of Emily.
Alison pulled off her shirt and went to try on the red top.
"But seriously Ali, you can't let her string you along like this.
"Hanna, no Emily talk tonight. Okay?"
"See! You're getting fed up with her too."
Alison huffed.
"What did I just say?"
"Yeah but-"
"-No. No Emily talk, remember?"
"Why not?" Hanna argued.
"I feel guilty, okay?" Alison snapped.
Hanna set down the curling iron.
"What? Why?"
"Because I said all of those things to her on the day of her father's funeral," Alison admitted, her voice full of shame.
"Oh Ali...you can't beat yourself up about that."
"Yes I can," Alison replied as she pulled the top over her head.
"Okay maybe it wasn't the best time to bring it all up, but what did Emily expect being so hot and cold with you?"
Ironically, Hot N Cold by Katy Perry was playing.
Alison shot her a look, "Nice one."
Hanna smirked.
Alison smoothed down the shirt and checked herself out in Hanna's full length mirror.
"What do you think?" Alison asked, showing off the shirt and trying her hardest to avoid the conversation.
Hanna raised a sassy eyebrow at her.
"Seriously, does this look okay?"
"Yes, you look hot," Hanna answered begrudgingly.
Alison turned her attention back to herself in the mirror.
"Too much cleavage?"
"You can never have too much cleavage for a party."
Alison sighed.
"Seriously Han, is it too much?"
"Since when do you care about showing off too much cleavage?"
"Because I don't want every guy at this party coming up to talk to me while barely making eye contact because they can't stop drooling."
"I thought the whole point of going to this party was to get you laid."
Alison's eyes widened.
"I did not say that."
Hanna smirked.
"You didn't have to," she replied as she spun around in her chair."
"Um, Hanna. I'm being serious."
Hanna started applying her mascara while looking in the mirror.
"Me too," she shrugged nonchalantly.
Alison walked over and stood behind her, glaring at her through the reflection.
"You better not be playing match maker tonight."
Hanna smirked.
"I won't have to. That shirt does all the work on its own."
Alison's eyes flashed down to the shirt she was wearing.
"Oh my god it is way too much! Ugh why did I listen to you," she grumbled and went to pull the shirt off.
"Ali don't! You look really fucking hot. Who cares if that gets you a little extra attention?...You need it," she added in a judgmental tone.
Alison shot daggers her way.
"I do not need it, thank you very much. Listen I just want to go to this party to have a good time okay? Let off a little steam, drink, and dance with my best friend. Is that too much to ask?"
Hanna spun back around in her chair and faced her.
"Ali, you've been putting off a massive 'No Boys Zone' vibe lately. It's getting old."
"Well sorry that my singleness bothers you that much," Alison replied sarcastically.
"It's selective singleness Ali. You have a long line of boys at this school who'd jump at the opportunity to be with you, and Tyler is at the front of that line."
"What if I don't want a line of boys," Alison grumbled back while doing a double take of her shirt again.
"Okay, what about girls? You and Emily can't be the only gay girls in this town."
Alison scoffed.
"I don't care if it's a line of boys or line of girls. It still doesn't change my feelings."
Hanna spun back around in her chair and grabbed a tube of lipstick.
"Whatever. All I know is that you've had this big dark cloud over your head that follows you everywhere you go. Trust me, wear the shirt," she said while smacking her lips together.
Alison eyed herself in the mirror unsurely.
Do I really have a big dark cloud over me?
Maybe this whole waiting on Emily thing is starting to get old.
Maybe I-
"-Ali," Hanna said, interrupting her thoughts, "You said your peace to her. There's nothing else you can do anymore. Whether you take my advice tonight or not, just have a good time. You deserve it, okay?"
Alison was still scrutinizing her attire...her slightly too revealing attire.
Hanna stood up and walked over to her, putting both of her hands on Alison's shoulders.
"And please, for the love of Katy Perry, where the damn shirt," Hanna added with a smile.
"Oh my god I love this song!" Hanna exclaimed with her arm looped around Alison's and her other hand intertwined with Caleb's.
Alison smiled over at her as they walked into Ben's house.
A 50 Cent song was blaring.
People were already trashy drunk and dancing on one another.
They were not-so-fashionably late due to Hanna taking forever to get ready.
Normally Alison had been avoiding this type of scene at all costs, but tonight it made her excited.
"I'm going to find some beer," Caleb said to the both of them.
He kissed Hanna and headed off in the crowd.
Alison and Hanna looked at each other and said:
"Tequila," simultaneously.
They giggled and strutted off to follow Caleb into the kitchen.
Moments later they were clinking shot glasses together and throwing Patron back.
Alison was taking a bite of a lime when Goodies by Ciara came on.
Hanna and her squealed.
Caleb raised his eyebrows, "You guys have fun."
Hanna leaned over and gave him a kiss, "Thanks babe."
It didn't take the two of them long to find the middle of crowd of everyone who was dancing.
Surprisingly, Alison felt good.
Part of her knew that partying was a distraction from everything that had happened with Emily the past few days, but she didn't care.
She had spent most of all of her summer waiting on the brunette to write her back.
Another part of her knew she needed to be careful with her drinking, but she wasn't planning on going crazy.
She didn't tell Hanna, but earlier she had already decided on only having a couple drinks, dance to few songs, and then leave the party once Hanna got to a point in her drinking where all she wanted was Caleb.
She wanted to go home and call Emily, and she was definitely not going to tell Hanna that.
But until then, she was going to party and simply not think.
Alison and Hanna were flushed from the alcohol and dancing after a few songs had already played.
She was having fun...for the first time in a long time Alison felt free...free of all her worries and sadness.
She had even started to change her mind about leaving the party early.
Suddenly, Hanna leaned over to her and yelled into her ear:
"I spy with my little eye!"
Alison turned around to look at where Hanna was and saw Tyler.
He was taking shots with Noel, Sean, and Ben.
Thankfully he hadn't noticed Alison.
She rolled her eyes and leaned over to Hanna.
"No!"
Hanna was about to argue, but then one of Kesha's songs came on and that easily distracted the both of them.
As they were laughing and dancing, Alison thought she caught of glimpse of someone.
She stopped dancing and tried to peek around a guy next to her to get a better look.
It can't be.
She thought she saw Emily.
"What's wrong?" Hanna shouted.
Alison shook it off.
No, there's no way she's here.
"Nothing!" She yelled back.
Hanna jokingly spun her around in a twirl, and as Alison was spinning her eyes got a clear look of Emily.
Alison stopped her dancing immediately.
A group of girls blocked her view of the brunette.
Without thinking, she didn't say anything to Hanna and started pushing her way through the crowd over to where she last saw Emily.
She wasn't there.
Her eyebrows furrowed as she continued her search.
What the hell?
I could have sworn I saw her.
Am I loosing my mind?
Hanna had finally caught up to Alison after she was abandoned.
"Ali what's wrong?"
Alison shook her head.
"Nothing, sorry."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, want to take another shot?"
Hanna grinned and wrapped her arm around Alison's.
As they made their way back to the kitchen, Alison heard it.
Rather, she heard her...
"Get off me!"
Alison's head whipped around.
Emily.
She saw Emily down the hallway, pushing some guy in the chest.
Alison turned to Hanna, but her friend had already saw Emily as well.
"Go," Hanna motioned.
She knew Alison wasn't going to not go over to Emily.
Alison gave her another look.
"You're fine. I'll find Caleb," Hanna said.
Alison nodded and made her way slowly over to Emily.
As she worked her way through people, she saw Emily stumble.
She didn't even need to be close to Emily to tell that the brunette was drunk.
Finally Alison almost reached her, but Emily didn't notice the blonde yet.
Emily was leaning up against the wall, swirling her drink around in a red solo cup.
"Emily!" Alison said as she walked up to her.
Emily slowly raised her eyes, and immediately Alison could tell how messed up she was.
"Ali...what are you doing here?"
Alison had seen Emily drink before, but based off of how badly Emily had slurred her words, Alison knew she was on a whole other level.
"Um, better question: what are you doing here?"
What are you doing here the day of your fathers funeral?
Before Emily responded, she took another drink.
Alison eyed her with worry written all over her face.
"I'm drinking! What does it look like?" Emily replied with a fake, cheery smile and flung her cup up to show Ali, making her drink spill onto the floor.
Alison raised an eyebrow.
Oh boy.
She could see the glassiness of Emily's eyes, and she knew very well Emily was close to experiencing the spins...she could barely focus her eyes on the blonde.
"Emily did you come here alone?" Alison asked loudly over the music.
"Nooope. With Paige," Emily slurred and pointed off in the direction of the kitchen.
Alison whipped her head around and spotted Emily's teammate.
She immediately was furious.
Hanna was standing by Caleb in the kitchen, very obviously watching the two of them.
"Hanna!" Alison yelled and motioned with her head, calling Hanna over.
She watched Hanna say a few things to Caleb before walking over to Emily and Alison.
"Hey Em!" Hanna greeted cheerily.
"Hanna," Emily replied while raising her cup towards her and then chugging the rest of her drink.
Hanna raised her eyebrows in surprise after realizing how drunk the brunette was.
She turned to Alison and mouthed: "What the fuck" to her.
"Stay with her, I gotta handle something," Alison said to her.
She took another worrisome look at Emily before turning around and focusing her attention on the bodies in the kitchen.
Her demeanor quickly changed from concern to fury as she stomped off.
Alison made quick work of getting through people this time.
This time she was angry.
"Paige!" Alison blurted out, rudely interrupting a conversation the swimmer was having with another girl.
"Uh, Alison...hi?"
Paige was surprised, but she also gave Alison attitude, and that pissed her off even more.
"We need to talk," Alison said frankly with her arms crossed over her body.
That peeked Paige's interest quickly.
"What about?"
"Do you normally abandon your drunk friends at a party?"
Alison got straight to the point.
She had no time for chit chat.
"What are you talking about?"
Alison scoffed.
"Emily," she snapped irritably.
"Oh. She said she wanted to be alone so-"
"-so let me get this straight? You bring Emily out drinking the day of her father's funeral and then you let her get trashed and then, oh yeah, forget where she is?" Alison shouted bitchily.
Paige looked shocked and confused.
"Wait what? Her dad died?"
Alison rolled her eyes.
"Are you kidding me? You're going to pretend that you didn't know?"
"I-I didn't know I-"
Alison put her hand out to stop Paige from talking.
"-You know what, I'm done with this conversation. I already heard enough."
Alison stormed off back in the direction of Emily and Hanna, but when she finally made it back through the crowd, Emily was nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Emily?"
"She started going off on me about not needing a baby sitter and to leave her alone and then she just took off outside and-"
Alison had already started walking away from Hanna as soon as she heard where Emily went.
I gave you one job Hanna, one!
She ranted to herself in her head as she shoved her way through more bodies.
"Move!" She yelled at a random guy who was blocking the front door.
Alison heard the guy call her a bitch behind her back, but she didn't care.
She needed to find Emily.
Alison's eyes searched the vicinity as soon as she made it outside.
It took her only a short moment to see Emily walking off towards the cars in the driveway, swaying in her steps.
"Emily!"
But Emily didn't turn around.
Instead the brunette continued to stumble forward in the driveway.
Seriously?
Alison sped walked after her.
"Emily..." she said while reaching out to grab Emily's arm.
"Don't touch me," Emily snapped and ripped her arm away from Alison's grasp.
Emily continued on as if Alison wasn't even there.
To be honest, Alison figured Emily might not have even fully known it was her reaching for her arm.
That's how messed up she was.
Okay this is going to be harder than I thought.
Alison huffed and jogged to catch back up to Emily.
This time she hopped in front of Emily and stood in her way to stop her.
She saw that Emily had a hard time focusing her eyes on her.
"You know you could slow down a little. Hurt foot remember?" Alison joked, trying to make light of the situation.
"Ali...not now."
Emily attempted to move past Alison, but she almost fell over while trying to do so.
Alison reached out and grabbed her by both biceps.
"Emily you're drunk."
"So what?" Emily argued back and tried to push past her yet again, but Alison stepped in front of her again.
"So it's not worth it. Trust me, I know."
"I can drink if I want to. You're not my mom," Emily slurred back and walked off in an entirely different direction than where she was going previously.
Alison sighed.
She's a lot to handle when drunk. Note to self.
Alison paused for only a moment before trailing after Emily.
"Where are you going?"
Emily spun around awkwardly, like she was having a hard time staying on her own two feet.
"I'm leaving. This party suddenly isn't fun anymore," she replied harshly.
Because of me?
Alison raised an eyebrow at her.
She watched Emily stumble off again while digging around in her purse and pulling out her car keys.
Alison's eyes widened.
Oh hell no. She is not driving.
She grimaced as she hurried to catch back up to Emily.
Her foot was starting to ache from all of the dancing and now the wild goose chase she was on.
Finally she got in front of the brunette again.
"What do you think you're doing?" She asked while eyeing the car keys in the brunette's hand.
"Leaving," Emily replied back sassily.
Just as Emily responded, Alison realized they were right next to the brunette's car.
"Like hell you are," Alison sassed back.
She watched Emily fumble around with her keys as she tried to find the key fob to unlock it.
Alison stood there with a raised eyebrow and a hand on her hip.
She waited until Emily had partially opened the drivers side door and then she reached around Emily's body and slammed the door shut.
"Get out of my way Alison," Emily mumbled to her.
Alison let out a laugh of disbelief.
Does she really think she's driving away?
It's not that Alison found this funny at all, but she couldn't help but laugh at the complete ridiculousness of it all.
Emily knew better than to drive drunk, and she must be really fucked up if she thinks I'm going to let her.
"Are you crazy? No!"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I said no. Now give me your keys."
Alison held her hand out, waiting for Emily to give them to her.
Emily tried to wriggle her arm around Alison's back.
At that, Alison had finally had enough.
"Emily are you trying to kill yourself? Or someone else?"
Emily tried to somewhat focus her eyes on her.
"I said move out of my way Alison."
Alison crossed her arms over her body and leaned up against the drivers side door.
"You're not getting behind the wheel. So either you let me drive you, or you're coming back in with me. You decide."
"Move," Emily demanded.
"No."
"Ali, I don't want to be here anymore."
"I understand that, but you aren't driving."
"I don't need your help," she slurred back.
Alison bit her tongue.
"Fine, give me your phone."
She reached her hand out to Emily.
"Why?" Emily asked suspiciously.
"If you don't want my help that's fine, but I'm calling Spencer. You aren't driving."
Emily's eyes widened.
"No, you can't..." Emily burped, "...call Spencer. She'll kill me."
Alison rubbed her hand on her forehead and sighed.
"Well I can't call your mom...obviously. Just let me drive you home and we can try to sneak you inside."
Alison knew taking Emily home undiscovered was a long shot at best, but she was starting to run out of options.
"I can't go home..." Emily mumbled.
"Okay. Then you can stay at my house."
Before Emily could reply, she started to fall over.
Alison jumped forward and grabbed Emily's waist, supporting her.
Well that settles it then.
"Come on, let's get in the car."
Emily mumbled something incoherent to her as Alison attempted to guide her towards the back of the car.
She reached out with one arm to open the back door and kept one wrapped around Emily's lower back.
"Easy," Alison instructed as Emily crawled in the back seat head first.
Alison chose the course of least resistance and grabbed Emily's purse before the drunk girl could notice...and the keys out of her hands.
She was done arguing with her.
Thankfully Emily was already gone to the world.
Alison got in the drivers seat and pulled out Emily's phone.
Her heart thudded in her chest as she looked at the lock screen.
Alison knew Emily's password when they were together.
It was the date of their anniversary.
Before asking Emily what it was, she took a gamble and typed in the familiar numbers.
To her surprise, it unlocked.
She hasn't changed it?
Alison didn't focus long on that though.
She quickly found the text thread between Emily and her mom.
She saw the last message Emily had sent which was: "I'm going out for a drive."
Really Em? A drive? You and Hanna both need to get better at lying.
Her mother's response was: "Okay, be back by 10."
It was already 10:15.
Alison typed a message to Mrs. Fields:
"I decided to stay the night at Spencer's. Love you."
She hoped Pam wouldn't question it.
She also hoped Pam wouldn't text Mrs. Hastings to confirm the fake sleepover, but it was a risk she had to take.
Alison knew Emily staying the night at Spencer's was the most believable option.
Thankfully Mrs. Fields texted "Emily" back saying that it was alright.
Alison put Emily's phone back into her purse and went to put the key in the ignition, but then she heard Hanna:
"Ali!"
Hanna was walking up to the car with Caleb in tow.
Alison got out of the car to meet them.
"What's going on?" Hanna asked.
"She's had way too much drink."
Hanna peered around Alison and took a look at Emily who was passed out in the back seat.
"Damn, Emily drank a little too much of that jungle juice."
"She shouldn't have been here in the first place," Alison grumbled.
She was still mad at Paige.
"Anyways I'm taking her to my house for the night so she can sleep it off," Alison added.
"What? No! You can't leave the party now! We just got here Ali."
"What do you suggest I do? She was trying to drive Hanna."
"Well she's passed out now. Take her keys with you and let her sleep it off here."
"Seriously? You want me to leave her out here in her car and go back inside to party?"
"Ali this was supposed to be our night...your night! It's not your fault she got trashed and it's definitely not your responsibility to take care of her."
"Hanna her dad just died," she said in a hushed voice.
"I know, and it's awful, but you can't keep picking up the pieces. She broke up with you for Christ's sake!"
"Would you keep it down, please?"
Alison was worried Emily might still be awake, even though it was very unlikely.
"Why should I? I'm tired of trying to protect her feelings when I should be protecting yours! This is fucked up Ali and you know it."
"Hanna be quite," Alison said while glancing back towards Emily.
"Are you really taking her to your place?" Hanna asked in a condescending tone.
"No, I'm going to take her home and knock on her door and say 'Hey Mrs. Fields! Here's your drunk daughter!'" Alison shot back sarcastically.
"Why not?" Hanna screeched, "Its not like you're the one who brought her to this party!"
Ugh don't remind me.
"Hanna, I'm taking her to my house, okay? Drop it," Alison warned.
"No I'm not going to drop it this is bullshit! I mean-"
"-Hanna," Caleb butted in to the conversation that was starting to take a turn for the worse, but Hanna ignored him.
"She knows you're in love with her Ali and she's using your feelings for her to her advantage. I'm sorry her dad died, I really am, but you come first in my life, not her. I'm getting really sick of you bending over backwards to take care of her when she couldn't care less about you!"
"Don't talk about something you know nothing about Hanna."
"Know nothing? Are you kidding me? Who was the one who helped you get sober because she broke your heart? Who was one who let you cry on her shoulder because she never wrote you back? Who was the one who has watched her best friend slip into a depression? Me!"
"Hanna-"
"-No Ali! If you can't see that she is not getting back together with you then you're blind!"
"Wow," Alison scoffed, "You're really going to go there?"
"I already went there," Hanna spat back.
Alison raised her eyebrows.
"You don't know that she-"
"-But I do Ali, okay? And I'm done. I'm not going to sit around and watch you get your heart broken again."
"Then don't," Alison threw the last punch.
"I'm not," Hanna said back sarcastically and turned to grab Caleb who was awkwardly standing there.
Alison bit her lip, trying to fight tears as the two of them walked off.
She shook her head in disbelief.
Alison opened the door to the car aggressively and slid into the seat.
She needed a moment to gather herself before starting the car.
She took a deep inhale through her nose to try to keep herself from crying, gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white.
She jumped when Emily spoke:
"I'm sorry Ali," she said quietly.
Alison's heart jumped out of her chest.
Emily had been listening.
Alison turned around in the seat and looked down at her.
Emily peered up at her through her hazy eyes.
"Emily..."
She didn't know what to say.
She was already at a loss of words from what happened with Hanna.
Alison turned back around and went to turn on Emily's car again, but then she heard a sniffle.
"I'm so sorry," Emily apologized again, her voice cracking.
Alison knew from the sound of Emily's voice that she was about to cry.
She turned around again and saw the tears streaming down Emily's cheek.
"Hey..." she reached a hand in the back seat and placed it over one of Emily's.
"...it's okay."
"It's not," Emily croaked out, and then finally she broke down in tears.
Alison immediately opened the drivers side door and rushed to get in the back seat with Emily.
She lifted the brunette's legs up and slid into the seat beside her.
Emily slowly adjusted herself in her drunken state into a sitting position, still crying.
"Em, it's okay," she reiterated.
"I n-never wanted to hurt you," Emily cried through her inebriated voice.
Alison cupped Emily's face with her hands and gave her a sad smile.
"What did I say earlier today about apologizing to each other?"
Emily let out a short laugh that morphed right back into crying.
"Hey..." she returned the same motion Emily did to her when she had a panic attack at the lake, lightly shaking the brunette's head, "...I love you," she whispered fervently.
Only that spurred Emily into an uncontrollable mess.
"I don't know why you do," she cried.
"Emily, look at me."
Emily took staggering breaths and did her best to focus her eyes on Alison as her lips quivered.
"There is nothing, nothing, that you could do that would make me stop loving you. Do you hear me?"
Emily shook her head like a child, making Alison smirk at her.
She smiled at Emily and looked at her with the most love the world could carry.
"Emily you don't worry about me, okay? I'm okay," she whispered the last part, trying to hold back crying herself.
"You're not," she sobbed.
"But I am."
Emily shook her head again with tears rolling down her face.
"If what we had was the end of the road for us, that's okay. I am so grateful to have met you and to love you Emily. And if you need me through your loss, I will be here. I'm sorry for getting angry earlier, I shouldn't have done that I-"
"-but you were right."
Alison's eyes flickered over her face.
"Right about what?"
Emily wiped a few tears away from her cheeks and took an uneven breath.
"When you said it's black and white..." Emily replied in a hushed voice.
Alison's heart beat sped up.
She broke their eye contact from nerves.
"Emily let's not talk about this now," she said and pulled her hands away from the brunette's face.
Alison was scared.
She didn't want to hear the answer.
Because it was black and white.
Emily was either in love with her still or she wasn't, and she was petrified of the latter.
She couldn't handle more today.
Today had already been a lot...for her and for Emily.
"I just haven't been able to admit it...to you...to myself," Emily slurred out slowly, ignoring Alison.
Admit what?
That you're not in love with me?
That you are in love with me?
Alison's eyes glanced up to her.
She felt herself about to cry.
It was all too much.
It felt like a culmination of months of not speaking truthfully was coming to a head, and Alison didn't want to hear one or the other come out of Emily's mouth.
Not now.
Not when Emily was drunk.
"Not now," Alison whispered.
"Hanna was right," Emily replied, still ignoring the blonde's request.
Alison gulped.
She felt like she could throw up from the gravity of it all.
The air felt suffocating inside the car.
She needed fresh air.
Hanna was right?
She was right about what?
That we aren't ever going to get back together?
That it really is hopeless?
That I really am that blind?
"Emily..."
"Y-you shouldn't have to take care of me," Emily finally explained.
Alison smiled sadly at her as a lone tear fell from her eye.
"Well too bad, because I am," Alison joked superficially, changing the attitude of conversation entirely.
Alison felt like she couldn't breath.
It was dizzying.
The two of them...sitting so close to one another, breathing the same air in the closed space.
She knew she was avoiding the conversation, but she couldn't help it.
It was odd.
She had been wishing and hoping for this conversation for so long now that when it actually started to happen, she wanted to run away from it.
"Common," she said while lightly patting Emily's thigh, "Let's get you back to my place."
Alison started to scoot across the back seat.
As soon as her fingers clasped around the door handle, the world as she knew it changed when six words were whispered to her:
"I'm still in love with you."
Ooooookay! Wowza. How are ya'll feeling? There was a lot crammed into this chapter and a lot to process!
Emily's dad died :(, Alison found her at the lake, Alison had a panic attack, Emily didn't want her at the funeral, Alison was finally letting loose and then she ran into Emily at the party, Hanna got fed up with Alison, and then...oh yeah, Emily drunkenly admitting she's still in love with Ali.
It was a roller coaster.
Anyways guys I'm so happy to update this story after so long and I hope to see that y'all are still around and haven't given up on me!
As I said before my life has done a complete 180 this year, but I still won't ever abandon this story!
As always, leave your girl some reviews and let me know what you think.
My twitter is 3mison3 if y'all ever want updates on my writing for the story.
See you next time!
Much love,
3mison
