Chapter 6
Everything that is underlined is plot that I added or changed from the official books.
Chapter Six: Gilderoy Lockhart
Those that knew Lockhart had to restrain themselves from groaning.
…
Harry had only just started his porridge when, sure enough, there was a rushing sound and a hundred or so owls streamed in, circling the hall and dropping letters and packages into the chattering crowd. A big, pumpy package bounced off Neville's head and, a second later, something large and gray fell into Hermione's jug, spraying them all with milk and feathers.
"Errol!" said Ron, pulling the bedraggled owl by the feet. Errol slumped, unconscious, onto the table, his legs in the air and a damp red envelope in his beak.
"I think it's time to retire, Errol." Remus said as an aside to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.
Mrs. Weasley signed and nodded. While Mr. Weasley thought about just how many hours he would have to work before he would be able to afford a new family owl. But then he remembered, He had a very good job offer from Harry.
"Oh, on -" Ron gasped.
"It's all right, he's still alive," said Hermione, prodding Errol gently with the tip of her finger.
"It's not that - it's that."
…
"- STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE -"
…
"- LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD HAVE BOTH HAVE DIED -"
…
"- ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED - YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME."
After that, Mrs. Weasley softened her attitude towards Ron. Figuring that the howler was punishment enough.
A ringing silence fell. The red envelope, which had dropped from Ron's hand, burst into flames and curled into ashes. Harry and Ron sat stunned, as though a tidal wave had just passed over them. A few people laughed and, gradually, a babble of talk broke out again.
…
As they neared the greenhouses they saw the rest of the class standing outside, waiting for Ms. Sprout. Harry, Ron, and Hermionehad only just joined them when she came striding into view across the lawn, accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart. Ms. Sprout's arms were full of bandages, and with another twinge of guilt, Harry spotted the Whomping Willow in the distance, several of its branches now in slings.
Sprouts mouth dropped, as she sputtered indignantly. Who is he to tell her how to properly care for her plants?
…
"Oh, hello there!" he called, beaming around at the assembled students. "Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! But I don't want you running away with the idea that I'm better at Herbology than she is! I just happen to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels…"
"Greenhouse three today, shaps!" said Ms. Sprout, who was looking distinctly disgruntled, not at all her usual cheerful self.
…
"Harry! I've been wanting a word - you don't mind if he's a couple minutes late, do you, Professor Sprout?"
Judging by Ms. Sprout's scowl, she did mind, but Lockhart said, "That's the ticket," and closed the greenhouse door in her face.
"Harry," said Lockhart, his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head. "Harry, Harry, Harry."
"Completely nonplussed, Harry said Nothing.
"When I heard - well, of course, it was all my fault. Could have kicked myself."
Harry had no idea what he was talking about. He was about to say so when Lockhart went on, "Don't know when I've been more shocked. Flying a car to Hogwarts! Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it. Stood out a mile. Harry, Harry, Harry."
It was remarkable how he could show every one of those brilliant teeth even when he wasn't talking.
"Gave you a taste for publicity, didn't I?" said Lockhart. "Gave you the bug. You got onto the front page of the paper with me and you couldn't wait to do it again."
"No," Harry said, "I did it because I thought it would be fun. Now if you don't mind, stop talking. You're lowering the IQ of the whole castle."
"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Peter went nuts, setting off the rest of the children.
"BURN!" cried the students.
"I love Sherlock." Hermione laughed.
"Oh, no, sir, see -"
"Harry, Harry, Harry," said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder. "I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste - and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head - but see here, young man, you can't start flying cars to try and get yourself noticed. Just calm down, all right? Plenty of time for all that when you're older. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! 'It's all right for him, he's an internationally famous wizard already!' but when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they? All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"
"Harry is way more famous than you!" Ron said.
"We never even heard of you, until now!" said Seamus.
"The reason that we don't ask for Harry's autograph is because we know him!" said Dean.
"Because he's our friend." Hermione said, frowning.
"Yeah!"
"So screw you, you wanna be!"
…
When Harry had taken his place between Ron and Hermione, she said, "We'll be repotting Mandrakes today. Now, who can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?"
"Wait," Lily said, "Mandrakes? You want twelve year olds to repot Mandrakes? Are you insane? That is way too dangerous for twelve year olds."
"I cannot speak for the actions of my future self. But I can assure you that that is not the assigned curriculum for the second years." Sprout assured.
Lily took a breath, and turned back to the book. Only six chapters in, and she already doesn't like it.
To nobody's surprise, Hermione's hand was first into the air.
"Mandrake, or Mandragora, is a powerful restorative," said Hermione, sounding as usual as though she had swallowed the textbook. "It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their original state."
Harry and Ron shake their heads fondly at Hermione.
"Excellent. Ten points to Gryffindor," said Ms. Sprout. "The Mandrake forms an essential part of most antidotes. It is also, however, dangerous. Who can tell me why?"
Hermione's hand narrowly missed Harry's glasses as it shot up again.
"The cry of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it," she said promptly.
The muggles in the room could now see just why Lily was so concerned about the second years. These Mandrakes, like most magical plants, mean business.
"Precisely. Take another ten points," said Ms. Sprout. "Now, the mandrakes we have here are still very young."
It didn't make them feel any better, but at least it was just the babies.
…
Harry let out a gasp of surprise that no one could hear.
Instead of roots, a small, muddy, and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth. The leaves were growing right out of the head. He had pale green, mottled skin, and was clearly bawling at the top of his lungs.
Shuri looked far too interested in the plant that didn't exist in Wakanda.
T'Challa leaned down to whisper in his sister's ear, "No."
"But, Brother. Science."
T'Challa sighed. He didn't want to deal with this, but if he told her just ask their mother there was a 50/50 chance that Queen Mother Ramonda was just going to give in and give her whatever she asked for.
Must stay strong. For Wakanda.
T'Challa turned back to his sister. Back to the puppy dog eyes, and firmly said, "No."
Shuri pouted and leaned back into her seat. Arms folded under her chest.
…
"As our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries won't kill yet,"
"Yet, she says." Clint said.
she said calmly as though she'd just done nothing more exciting than water a begonia. "However, they will knock you for several hours, and as I'm sure none of you want to miss your first day back, make sure your earmuffs are securely in place while you work. I will attract your attention when it is time to pack up.
"Four to a tray - there is a large supply of pots here - compost in the sacks over there - and be careful of the Venomous Tentacula, it's teething."
…
"Justin Finch-Fletchley," he said brightly, shaking Harry by the hand. "Know who you are, of course, the famous Harry Potter…. And you're Hermione Granger - you two are always top in everything (Hermione beamed as she had her hand shaken too) "- and Ron Weasley. Wasn't that your flying car?"
Ron didn't smile. The Howler was obviously still on his mind.
Mrs. Weasley looked at her youngest son, and saw the downcast look on his face. Making sure that he understood that what he did was wrong. She would let him stew for a while yet.
…
"My name was down for Eton, you know. I can't tell you how glad I am that I came here instead. Of course, Mother was slightly disappointed, but since I made her read Lockhart's books I think she's begun to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family…."
…
McGonagall's classes were always hard work, but luckily Harry had the forethought to brush up on what he had learned last year last night. Everything Harry had learned last year was at the forefront of his mind going into McGonagall's class. The assignment for today was to turn a beetle into a button. Harry didn't even bother to use the spell or the wand movement. He just jabbed his wand at the beetle as it tried to get away from his prodding, and suddenly it was a shining silver button. Harry looked up to see that Hermione had turned her beetle into a button too.
"Well done." Lily praised, smiling.
Ron however, was having some trouble with his wand. He had patched up his wand with some borrowed Spellotape, but it seemed to be damaged beyond repair. It kept crackling and sparking at odd moments, and every time Ron tried to transfigure his beetle it engulfed him in thick gray smoke that smelled of rotten eggs. Unable to see what he was doing, Ron accidentally squashed his beetle with his elbow and had to ask for a new one. McGonagall wasn't pleased.
…
"Stupid - useless - thing -"
"Write home for another one," Harry suggested as the wand let off a volley of bangs like a firecracker.
"Oh, yeah, and get another Howler back," said Ron, stuffing the now hissing wand into his bag. "'It's your own fault your wand got snapped -'"
"Ron you should've written home." Mrs. Weasley said, frowning. "Yes, I would have been upset. But, it is extremely dangerous to work with a broken wand."
"We would have figured something out." Mr. Weasley said.
They went down to lunch, where Ron's mood was not improved by Hermione's showing them the handful of perfect coat buttons she had produced in Transfiguration.
"What've we got this afternoon?" said Harry, hastily changing the subject.
"Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once.
"Why," demanded Ron, seizing her schedule, "have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?"
Hermione snatched the schedule back, blushing furiously.
"She's a bleeding fangirl!" Ron said in disgust.
Harry just shook his head sadly, while Hermione blushed.
…
"All right, Harry? I'm - I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor, too. D'you think - would it be all right if - can I have a picture?" he said, raising the camera hopefully.
"A picture?" Harry repeated blankly.
"Harry, you've got a fanboy." Ron snickered.
Harry groaned and thumped his head against the table.
…
"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?"
Loud and scathing, Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the courtyard. He had stopped right behind Colin, flanked, as he always was at Hogwarts, by his large and thuggish cronies, Crabbe and Goyle.
"Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. "Harry Potter giving out signed photos!"
"No, I'm not," said Harry angrily, his fists clenching. "Shut up, Malfoy."
"You're just jealous," piped up Colin, whose entire body was about as thick as Crabbe's neck.
"Jealous?" said Malfoy, who didn't need to shout anymore: Half the courtyard was listening in. "Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head shanked makes you that special, myself."
…
"What's all this, what's all this?" Gilderoy Lockhart was striding toward them, his turquoise robes swirling behind him. "Who's giving out signed photos?"
Harry started to speak but he was cut short as Lockhart flung an arm around his shoulders and thundered jovially, "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!"
Pinned to Lockhart's side and burning with humiliation, Harry saw Malfoy slide smirking back into the crowd.
"Come on then, Mr. Creevey," said Lockhart, beaming at Colin. "A double portrait, can't do better than that, and we'll both sign it for you."
Harry went back to hitting his head against the table. His head made a light thump with each time it made contact. After a few thumps, he lifted his head and looked at Ron.
Ron looked at Harry, hoping that he was alright. He gave Harry what he hoped was a reassuring smile.
Harry went back to hitting head against the table.
This time a little harder.
"That's enough, Harry." Hermione gently moved Harry away from the table just enough so that he couldn't keep hitting himself.
…
"A word to the wise, Harry," said Lockhart paternally as they entered the building through a side door. "I covered up for you back there with young Creevey - if he was photographing me, too, your schoolmates won't think you're setting yourself up so much…."
Deaf to Harry's stammers, Lockhart swept him down a corridor lined with staring students and up a staircase.
"Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible - looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go, but" -he gave a little chortle - "I don't think you're quite there yet."
…
"You could've fried an egg on your face," said Ron. "You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club."
"Shut up," snapped. The last thing he needed was for Lockhart to hear the phrase "Harry Potter fan club."
Ginny got a thoughtful look on her face.
"I see you've all bought a complete set of my books - well done. I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about - just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in -"
When he had handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, "You have thirty minutes - start - now!"
Harry looked down at his paper and read:
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
"Wait what?" said Bruce, mildly horrified and disgusted. "And he's supposed to be a teacher."
"That is a classroom. You're supposed to be teaching them, not quizzing them on your Tinder profile." Clint said.
…
"Tut, tut - hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully - I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples - though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey!"
"They're twelve." said Toni. "And besides, I thought you were supposed to teach them how to defend themselves, not how to get your motor going."
"Toni," Nat said quietly, nodding towards Steve. The poor thing looked confused for about five seconds. But stupid, Steve Rogers is not. And soon enough, his entire face was covered in a bright pink blush.
Cute. Toni thought with a small smile, before giving herself a shake to dislodge the thought.
…
He bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it.
"Now - be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."
In spite of himself, Harry leaned around his pile of books for a better look at the cage. Lockhart placed a hand on the caver. Dean and Seamus had stopped laughing now. Neville was cowering in his front row seat.
"I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. "It might provoke them."
As the whole class held its breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover.
"Yes," he said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies."
"No." T'Challa could feel his sister about to ask, and he felt it was his duty to his sister and to the sanity of Wakanda that he nipped it in the bud so to speak before she could ask.
…
"Right, then," Lockhart said loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" and he opened the cage.
It was pandemonium. The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. Two of them seized Neville by the ears and lifted him into the air. Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass. The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino. They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with the., shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, upended the wastebasket; within minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks and Neville was swinging from the iron chandelier in the ceiling.
"Why am I always being lifted up off the ground?" Neville softly whimpered.
Dean, who was the closest one of his friends to him, gave him a comforting one arm side hug. All the boys in the Gryffindors first years dorm, all knew that Nellive hated when his feet left the ground.
"Come on now - round them up, round them up, they're only pixies," Lockhart shouted.
He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"
It had absolutely no effect; one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window, too. Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.
Ron turned back to Hermione, and gestured to the book, as though to say, "See! He's an idiot! He can't do anything right!"
Hermione just rolled her eyes and ignored her friends.
…
"Can you believe him?" roared Ron as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.
"He just wants to give us some hands-on experience," said Hermione, immobilizing two pixies at once with a clever Freezing Charm and stuffing them back into their cage.
"Hands on?" said Harry, who used the same Freezing Charm that Hermione had used, before stuffing it into the cage as well. "Hermione, he didn't have a clue what he was doing -"
"Rubbish," said Hermione. "You've read his books - look at all those amazing things he's done -"
"He says he's done," Ron muttered.
"Look at all the things that we've done." Harry said as the last of the pixies were caught and put back inside their cage.
"He's got a point you know." Ron said to Hermione as they watched Harry leave the classroom, before running after him.
"We have done some pretty cool stuff, huh." Ron said, looking off with a smile on his face.
"That we have." Harry said. "Although, if we could hold off on any more adventures of that level for a while, I would really appreciate it."
"Yeah." Ron said slowly, looking at his mom, and the way she was looking at him. "That would be best."
…
Later that week on Friday after dinner, Harry could be seen setting up equipment in the Gryffindor common room.
"Hey Harry, what are you doing?" said Fred.
"I'll explain in a second, when everyone is in here. I don't want to have to explain more than once." Harry said, just as it looked like he finished doing whatever he was doing.
Fred and George spread the word that Harry had a surprise for the House in the common. And everyone came running to see what it was.
Gryffindor House became excited, they love surprises. And when it's a planned surprise from Harry? They are so there. The seventh years bemoaned to themselves that they had graduated already when this happened.
Harry stepped up onto a stool so that everyone could see him and said loudly, "Okay so, I am instituting a weekly House movie night. Every Friday we will watch a movie, to just unwind and relax. And ultimately come closer together as a House. I have placed a Suggestion Box over by the Notice Board where you can write down a movie that you want us to watch.
"For now, I thought with many of you new to Muggle technology and culture, I would start us off on something fun, and that all of us will enjoy.
"So I ask that you all find a comfortable place to sit, settle down, and enjoy the show."
"Movie night." Hermione said excitedly. "That is a brilliant idea."
The Weasley children, because their father had had them watch a few muggle movies before, were just as excited about it as Hermione and Dean.
After that, Harry stepped down, sat on the couch next to his friends. He waited for everyone to settle and quiet down before pressing play.
The fire in the fireplace and the torches around the room dimmed, but still gave off just enough heat that they would be comfortable. This was something that Harry had set up beforehand.
The opening credits of the 1997 Flubber with Robin Williams, played on the large screen that Harry had set up above the fireplace.
"I love that movie." a fourth year Hufflepuff laughed.
Fred and George sat where they got the best view to the screen. The presents that Harry had left for them clenched in their hands. In one hand they held a notebook, and in the other they held a Muggle pen. Poised and ready to take notes.
When they had found the carefully wrapped packages on their beds earlier that day, and that they were from Harry, they were quick to unwrap them.
Upon opening it, they found a note.
Fred, George,
This little present that I've given to the both of you, I've given for a reason. Last year I noticed just how inventive the two of you are. I would like to see the both of you grow and expand on that. This notebook is a special notebook. It will never run out of paper, and I have taken the liberty to have the goblins place a couple wards on them that will prevent anyone that you don't want from accessing your notes. If you want to give someone access, you just have to write their full name on the inside cover underneath your name. You can remove the name and the person's access whenever you want. Now the reason that I have given you these. I will be explaining to everyone later, but basically, I will be showing everyone things from the Muggle world. And if I know you two like I think I do, the two of you, not only will you both enjoy it but you will be getting ideas from these, what the Muggles call movies, like crazy. The other thing that I have given you is called a pen. Press down on the top, and then just write with it like normal. The pens have been spelled to never run out of ink. So run wild. Go crazy with these.
-Harry :P
There was silence for a moment. Until…
"Please Harry!" Fred said.
"Please we want them!" George cried.
"We need them!" Fred sobbed.
They climbed over the table, dropped to their knees in front of Harry, and began to plead with Harry, like they've never pleaded for anything in their life. Big crocodile tears falling down their faces. It took a few minutes, but once Harry got the weeping and wailing, they just looked at him with the biggest puppy dog eyes they could possibly make.
"We will see." Harry said. "No promises."
Fred and George hung their heads and turned away.
Once back in their seats, they looked at Harry.
"Talk later." Harry mouthed at them, a smile playing across his mouth. Harry only said what he did, because Mrs. Weasley was listening in. They needed to talk in private somewhere.
They shot each other small grins, before carefully making themselves upset again before their mom saw them.
…
After the movie, Fred and George could be seen walking back to their dorms, clutching their new notebooks to their chests with the biggest grins on their faces. Protecting the books like they were the most precious things in the world.
George actually hissed at Percy for asking about them.
"Please don't tell me that you two are going to start calling them, 'Your Precious'?" Ron said, shaking head and chuckling.
"Don't be ridiculous, Ron." Fred said.
"We would never do that," said George.
"That's what Smeagol said." Percy commented. "Remember how that turned out?"
Fred stuck out his tongue at Percy childishly. His mother then promptly spelled his tongue to the roof of his mouth.
…
Harry was the first one in the dorm after the movie. As everyone was still in the common room, he thought it would be safe.
No one would see. No one would, could, judge him.
Jiminy Cricket was back. Everyone started to whisper to their neighbor. Wondering what Harry was doing.
"Harry," Ron said, only semi serious. "Are you doing drugs?"
"Wh- no." said Harry, offended that he would even ask that question in a serious conversation.
"Then what is it?" Hermione asked.
"I-" Harry swallowed past the lump in his throat.
He stripped out of his day clothes and started to put on his pajamas.
Of course, that was when the rest of his dorm-mates came into the room.
They were laughing. Talking about the movie, excited for the next movie night. That's when they saw it. Harry had his back to them. His pants on, shirt in his hands.
He stood there. Frozen. Terrified to turn around.
"Harry?" Ron was the brave one, and broke the uncomfortable silence that they found themselves in.
"Please don't tell anyone." Harry pleaded quietly into his night shirt. So quietly they almost missed it.
