Filling In The Blanks

Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX or any of its characters.

Chapter 136: Blank Stares

The doors pulled open again, this time fully. In walked an attractive young man with blonde hair. He wore a satin cape held to his shoulder by a gold brooch, dark leather pants and a tunic with an emblem she didn't recognize on it.

She rose her eyebrow. He looked different than the rest.

He grinned at her before dropping to one knee. He was gracefully, not landing so hard on the floor like some of the other nobles who weren't used to bowing. In this current position, she spotted a sheathed sword at his side.

Who was this man?

Her feet found their way back down to the ground as she leaned forward in anticipation.

"My Lady, Queen Garnet til Alexandros," he stood again, that odd look never leaving his face. "It's nice to see you again."

She was on her feet at once.

Suddenly, all of the guards that had been staring off into space, unsure why they'd been given this "important duty" when it felt painfully like punishment, were attentive once more, one hand on the hilt of their swords.

"How dare you enter this palace," she sneered at him.

He put his hands up, "Garnet –"

"You will address M'lady as Queen Garnet, or Her Majesty –" one of Steiner's older men who stood to her direct right rose his voice, sounding gruff and offended.

She waved both of them off and narrowed her eyes in hostility. "What are you doing here, Bronson?"

He grinned at her, and she couldn't help but feel like she was being mocked. Dagger was beyond the point of being offended – she was angrier than she'd been in a long time.

"My lady," he nodded at the knight to her right, "I've come respectfully as a suitor in court."

"A what?" her jaw dropped.

"A –"

"What happened to you in the last four years that makes you have the actual gall to come in here as a damn suitor?"

Eyes widened uncomfortably around the room. Nobody had heard their queen talk like that before. This guy must have been bad news. Nobody in the room relaxed.

"Please, let me speak."

She glared absolute fire at him.

He seemed undeterred though and took her moment of silence as time to speak. He walked forward a few feet, but when her eyes got a little crazier, he intelligently stopped where he stood. He put his hands up in a 'stop' gesture, signaling peace.

"Queen Garnet, I know how this looks. I understand why you might still be angry –" he raised his voice when she opened her mouth to speak, "- but I come here as a gesture of good faith."

"Good faith?" she snarled. Sounded more like an insult and a play for a higher position.

He clearly looked like he was doing well for himself. She had heard his name a few times in noble talk the last few years but had always waved him off. He was a charmer, that much was certain. And while the resistance was smart to his schmoozing – the resistance no longer made up their entire world. The regular citizens – nobles who did not fight, in particular – had no idea what kind of games this man could and would play.

If she wasn't so blown away by the fact that he seemed to think he had a good reason for being there, she would have had him removed already. Curiosity always lured her further than she wanted to admit.

"The court insists you meet suitors at least once a year. If it weren't for Steiner, you'd be doing this once a week," he dropped his hands, "let me ask you, My Queen… are you not tired? Are you not still hurting over the disappearance of Zidane?"

"How dare you," her voice was low and ruthless. It wasn't a question she asked.

"Please," he sounded a little more desperate this time as he fell to one knee again. "Hear my words, Garnet."

"That's Queen –"

"You will have to pick a suitor. That suitor will expect you – mind, body and spirit – to be present. He will never understand what it is you're going through. He will never understand that you are whole heartedly in love with someone else."

Her eyes were still narrowed, but she was terrifyingly still.

"That's why I've come here. I'm giving you a way out."

"What do you mean?" she asked slowly, her voice almost trembling.

"I would understand, My Queen. I would understand that you love someone else. I will hold no ill will to the fact that you take time to grieve – that our marriage would always be political. Creating an heir to the throne that you know you will have to do someday to protect your family's line and legacy – you can do with the respect that I know the pain you feel. And I wouldn't hold it against you. You would be allowed to grieve in the open and feel sadness that this isn't the person you wanted. You would be free from that."

Her stomach churned in a complete circle. She knew her face had paled as she stared at him dumbly in shock.

He sighed and stood, taking the first two steps up to the throne. The two knights flanking her stepped forward protectively. She made no move. She could barely breathe.

"My Garnet," he went back down to one knee and reached up to her, looking like he wanted to grasp her hand but unable to reach it. "You will have to face the facts. It has been four years. Whether Zidane is out there still or not, he isn't coming home – he would have come home to you already."

Her face screwed up in pain like she had just lost him again yesterday. She remembered the blood on her temple, matting her hair and on her hands; she remembered the cold, wet stone underneath her hands and knees and her voice as she told Blank that he was gone. She remembered Kuja's eyes and the way they still shined and the grin that was twisted on his face, still, when he was dead. He had one last trick up his sleeve, and that was to take Zidane away from his family. Away from her.

"Take me as your king so you have someone who understands you."

Her breath felt like fire in her throat.

"He's never coming home."

In all the time that Zidane had been gone after that first day, she had never cried.

She watched the sun set on the city of Alexandria, sitting out in the field with Steiner the day after the battle, and she decided to be strong for her people. And while her grief was still evident and she had quite the reputation for the "Crestfallen Queen", she had never shed tears. She didn't have laughter in her for many people outside of the people she fought beside in the resistance, and she only had sad smiles for her people, but she stayed together enough not to cry. Because that would have been too much. The moment she started crying, she knew she'd never really stop.

Something broke in her then, staring down at Bronson. He had escaped the war without visible scars, still handsome, still able to manipulate people with his charm. He was doing well – he was here, asking for her hand… when Zidane was not.

As though the last four years bore down on her all at once, she suddenly burst into tears. The guards drew their swords on instinct alone and Bronson backed up so as not to be hit in the crossfire.

Pushing off of the throne, she threw herself down the stairs, her gown flying out behind her as she went.

"My Lady!"

"Queen Garnet!"

"Garnet!"

"M'lady!"

Everyone was yelling at her at once as she heaved all of her weight against the door. It threw open as she exploded into the hall. There were still a dozen suitors waiting outside, all of them startled to see her.

Her anger rising within her, she cried out in frustration and made a mad dash for the stairs. Tears blurred her vision as she ran blindly across the carpeted first floor of the castle. Soldiers on duty or workers in the castle all tried to stop her, but she pushed through them anyway, her sobs ringing out in the lonely halls of her castle.

She found herself in the barracks of the Pluto Knights. All of them looked up, startled, half armored with bottles of liquor and a game of cards going on, on the corner table.

"Dagger?" a few of them respected her wishes off duty to call her by the name she would always know as hers, but this time she didn't respond.

She raced across the room and threw open the doors into the training yard. Her feet pounded heavily against the ground. There was an uproar in her wake, but she didn't care – she hardly even heard it.

Crossing the grounds, she entered the stables and found her chocobo. She was beautiful – almost all white, peppered with flecks of gold and brown.

She didn't wait to saddle up her stead. She only used a saddle now to look less wild when she was paraded around the streets. She didn't need one.

Throwing herself on top of the chocobo with all of her might, she swung her leg around the side, tearing the delicate dress in the process. The chocobo squawked, squatting so that Dagger could get a better footing.

The young woman kicked her heels into the chocobo and she flew out of the stables and into the streets. The train of her gown flew out behind her, muddled with the dirt and mud of the training grounds and the stables.

She raced through the streets. People barely had time to get out of her way, but for once in the time she had become queen, she simply did not care. Tears still blinded her and she couldn't even hear herself sobbing anymore.

The city gates came up on her sight, the noise around her suffocating her. Now the entire city seemed to be on high alert. People yelled behind her and to the sides, and guards tried to throw up their hands to get her chocobo to stop.

They kept racing forward.

Bursting from the gates and onto the dirt road that led into the city, everything seemed to melt away from her. She heard herself crying and aching, like she had been physically wounded. Her hair splayed around her face, slowly coming undone from the elaborate and beautiful updo that her hand maidens had done for her earlier.

Sobs wracked her entire body and she laid closely to the chocobo's neck, allowing her mount to do the work. She squeezed her eyes shut, begging her mind to shut off – begging everything to go away. The weight of the world was pressing on her chest and her lungs felt like they were filled with water.

She didn't want this – any of it. She didn't want to be queen, she didn't want to be a savior or a light for her people. She just wanted to be the girl in the field beyond Dali, reciting lines to her favorite play to the boy she would fall in love with. She had been so young then – taken so much granted. Always she wished she was older so she could have more of a say and so she could make more of a difference. Now she wished she was invisible and that someone else would make the hard decisions for her.

It was a long while that she laid on top of her chocobo and cried. Her eyes were open, but all she saw was the blur of grass around her. When they were far enough from the city, her chocobo slowed her pace and would sometimes stop to munch on some grass.

The colors changed in the sky before she finally sat up straight, her eyes tired and puffy and her throat raw from sobs. Her body felt exhausted and numb, and she was slouched with eyes half-lidded as her mount continued to trot forward.

Dagger remembered these fields and she figured she'd never forget them. Some of her earliest memories as a little girl were in these tall grasses of the prairies. That was before she really knew the troubles of the world – back when Steiner and Beatrix and Cid all hid it from her to make her happy. She was devastated the first time they told her why everyone lived in tents. She had been about Eiko's age (when the girl joined the war) when they told her.

It didn't take long before they had finished digging out a hiding place in Dali. The tunnels were already there, they just needed to make it bigger. At first, the little girl had scorned at the lack of sunlight in her new home, but now she missed the way the lantern lights glowed when she looked at maps smeared across the table.

She remembered Kalipso's vision many years ago when she was in Cleyra. She could still picture the look on vision-Zidane's face when he bowed. There was no recognition there at all. She wouldn't ever say she regretted the destruction Kuja caused because she could never imagine being close to different people in her life.

But it was hard – harder than she thought it would be. Dagger thought the aftermath of the war was supposed to be better. But it was harder. At least then everyone had a common goal and a common enemy. Now agendas were greyed, and she didn't know how to feel about it. No problem seemed like too big of a deal and that seemed to get her in trouble with the nobles sometimes.

Maybe she wasn't fit to be queen.

Dagger looked down at her hands to see the white gloves, dirtied now in her rush to get out of the city. She took one off slowly, watching it peel back off of her fingers. Her hands were delicate and soft with perfectly manicured nails and the crest of her city adorning a ring she was wearing. In this numb state, they didn't even look like her hands.

With her one bare hand, she pressed on her chocobo's neck and her ride came to a halt. With great effort, Dagger slid off the side of the chocobo. She kee-wahed at her, prompting Dagger to turn around and pet her beak. The animal nuzzled her hand, and though she still felt like she was in a daze, the young woman smiled.

They walked for a little while. Her hand was always on the animal next to her for support. She felt weak and a little unstable and that made her more frustrated in herself.

Suddenly, the chocobo, weary of people bothering them, stopped in her tracks, causing Dagger to look up from her feet.

There in the field sat a blonde woman reading a book, leaning up against her own chocobo who was nestled down in the grass.

Dagger's animal cooed and the strange duo looked over. That's when Dagger recognized her. It was Elouise – Zidane's dreamer friend from the dream Alexandria. Her stomach rolled; it wasn't exactly who she needed to see right now.

"Queen Garnet," Elouise stood hastily, proceeding to bow. Dagger tried to put a hand up to stop her from such formalities, but the blonde interrupted her. "You're crying."

Startled, Dagger put tender fingers to her cheek and pulled them back, seeing the moisture shining on her hand. Had she still been shedding tears this entire time?

"Oh… My apologies."

"What are you doing out here?" Elouise peered around, "And alone, much less."

"I…" her voice failed her as she glanced around miserably. That fear was creeping up on her again and her body began to shake.

"Come sit down," the blonde woman insisted, taking her hand gently and plopping her down on the light blanket that was in the grass.

Dagger nestled her face in her hands and cried.

The duo didn't know how long they stayed like that with the chocobos sitting next to each other while Elouise held Dagger's hand as she cried.

The raven haired woman finally looked up, peering through the bangs that had fallen from her hairstyle, at the older girl.

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"When you realized Zidane was gone. In the dream world, or out of it. How did you handle it? You two were best friends, right?"

Elouise leaned back, realizing what all of this was about. She was a little surprised; Dagger never let herself fall apart in public, though she wasn't sure if that was the case inside her own walls.

"Ahh…" Elouise nodded sympathetically. The disappearance of Zidane before she could apologize for everything still stung her hard as well. "Well… It's happened a couple of times I suppose." She ran a hand through her wavy hair. "The first was when Zidane got sick in the dream world. Or rather – when he must have woken up from it. The guards told us he had been taken to Lindblum because he was in critical condition."

Dagger stared at her, interested, as tears streamed down her face. She'd never heard this before.

"Avalanche and I and –" she swallowed hard, interrupting herself "- Vienna and Griffon, our… dream friends, I guess? We all took it pretty hard. Zidane had been fine, minus a few vivid nightmares here and there." She shrugged, unsure what else to say, "But I guess we just kept moving forward, one day at a time. Don't get me wrong though, the thought of him never left me. I was worried day and night about if he was going to survive, and worried that he wasn't going to write me to tell me he was okay if he was. But all of that worrying got me through each day. It wasn't very long before we woke up though."

"What was that like?" Dagger whispered, almost afraid to ask.

"Strange. And scary. To go to sleep one night and realize that the next morning you and mostly people you didn't know from around the city were all in the underground of the Alexandria castle because the city had been attacked. That's what Kuja told us – the rebels had destroyed our home."

Dagger glanced down at her hands, watching the tears fall onto her palms. She supposed she couldn't blame the dreamers for what had happened – there was no one there to tell them otherwise.

"When we found out that Zidane was a traitor and had joined with the rebels, there was so much anger. It interrupted everything I did. I was in a dark space for a long time; Kuja took a liking to me because I worked hard and was pretty ruthless," she almost looked embarrassed, "but I think it's because I shut down. All of my emotions got turned off.

"It was this weird mix. Every time news would come about something the resistance was doing and when 'Zidane Tribal' came up in conversation. I was angry – angry he was getting away with what he was doing and we couldn't catch him. I was confused because I didn't understand why he would abandon his home and the people he loved. I was relieved because he wasn't dead, even though we were trying to take him down."

Dagger stared at her with more intensity than she realized. She couldn't imagine being on the other side of the war. It had taken up such a large portion of her life that she wasn't sure if she could even picture the other side anymore.

"Kuja's spell involved a memory wipe – as you probably know – to help his story stick in our minds when we woke up. But his spell was flawed. It was no secret that nearly all of his dreamers were having these wildly vivid dreams. Dreams that were giving people the same symptoms as Zidane. At this point, I still thought he'd been shipped off to Lindblum. I was scared that everyone was going to get sick. That's the idea I stuck to, in fear, for a long time. Avalanche had grown close with so many dreamers and I could never understand why – he wouldn't tell me. Until one day, Avalanche told me the truth about Zidane's escape from the castle when he was nearly dead. I didn't want to believe it, but when the time came to rise up and fight, I believed them both."

"Elouise…" Dagger's voice sounded small and meek. "I'm so sorry that happened."

She closed her eyes and smiled in response, but then continued with her story. "So I guess when I thought I lost Zidane again, there wasn't much time for grieving. When I shut down, I was just angry, and then the war took over. Training to be one of Kuja's elite soldiers was no joke. There was hardly time to think about anything else.

"When the fighting was over, I thought that Zidane and I could start again. I knew it would be hard for him to forgive me, but… you know Zidane," her smile was cheeky then, if only for a moment. "But I never got the chance to apologize. He was gone."

Dagger squeezed her eyes shut and looked away, feeling her whole body tense. Hearing those words stabbed at her; someone who had saved everyone had been taken away from them, without even the closure of death.

"So I guess my answer to your question is just kind of that… I don't think there is really any moving past it – especially not with the relationship you two shared and what you went through together. But that's okay you know."

She glanced at Elouise in surprise. Here was this beautiful blonde woman who had earned her right back into society after a disastrous (albeit unintentional) betrayal. She had lost people too and was another one of the group of people who had ten years of her life and beliefs taken away by Kuja. And she was one of the only people who ever told Dagger it was okay to still be sad.

"So many people want me to move forward. Whether they think I'm being young and outrageous, or think I need to move on for my people, nobody tells me it's okay to miss him."

Elouise smiled at her, looking much older than she really was. "I think that feeling will never go away, especially since we don't know where he went. And it's okay to be sad – it's okay to be sad for the rest of your life. You shouldn't be forced to move on when you aren't ready. Either one day, you'll accept the part of your life where you must marry, or you won't. It doesn't matter either way in the end."

"What of the Alexandros line?"

"That's what I mean," she nodded, looking off to the horizon through the long strands of grass. They were hidden when sitting on the ground. "Sometime you will feel ready enough to extend your line, or you'll come to a conclusion of what else to do. Either is okay."

Dagger sat back, unsure what to say.

"You've been doing a better job than you give yourself credit for. You don't hear people talk… They all love you. They feel your sadness, but they don't judge you or despise you for it. Your people think you're doing a great job, no matter what councilman tells you differently. Isn't that what matters in the end?"

"They really say that?"

"I hear it at least three times a day. Everyone wants you to be happy of course, but nobody blames you for not. Nobles are a little harder, because even though they were every bit a part of this war, they have the money to pretend things didn't happen. But the regular citizens? Garnet, nobody forgot. They remember how hard things were – how much poverty there was and how Kuja tried to take everything from them. They remember those who fell and who sacrificed so much to fight for their freedom. Many people didn't know Zidane when he was here, but they certainly know him now. Vivi makes sure of that. And you do too."

Dagger's heart swelled for Vivi in that moment. The black mage was still so young, but he worked day in and day out to keep the peace, spread culture and make sure Zidane wasn't forgotten about. He might have been strong in battle, but maybe he also didn't realize how strong he was in the aftermath as well.

"Thank you," she told the woman. "Thank you for sharing with me when you didn't need to."

"You are the queen, after all," Elouise grinned at her and nudged Dagger with her shoulder.

"What are you doing all the way out here?" the raven haired woman asked.

Elouise sighed happily, rubbing her arms at the mild bite in the air. "I don't know if Zidane ever told you this about the dream Alexandria, but Kuja's rule in that little bubble of a city was very strict. And obviously because it was a spell and he had to create an entire fake city, we could never leave. Not out the front gates unless you wanted to be murdered, unless you had papers – which he never granted to anyone we knew. I imagine it's only the fake identities in the world, to make it look like some people left.

"Anyways, we were trapped in that city for five years and then after waking up, we spent so much time training that we were never allowed the leave the city after that either. Not that many people wanted to – the fear of war was too great. So for ten years, I was stuck in Alexandria. The irony of it all was after it was all said and done and you rebuilt the city, I still didn't have the heart to leave. My uncle says I used to live in Treno but… I've never felt a connection there. I remember him, but barely anything about my parents. My mother was also a dreamer, but she died."

"I'm so sorry –"

"No, no, don't apologize. I don't remember her that way – this all came from Sam." She shrugged, "My heart has always belonged to Alexandria, which is why Avalanche and I wanted to stay here. We opened Libby's to honor our favorite place in the dream world – where we all met each other, I guess," she laughed, "it sounds silly now."

"I don't think it does."

Elouise flashed a smile before continuing, "I like to come out here to remind myself that I can leave. The shop is busy, especially as it gets colder outside, but I try to come out here twice a week or so. I come far enough out so I can still see the city, but from a distance. Every single one of my senses tells me that I'm not in Alexandria anymore when I'm out here, and I really like that."

"That's really beautiful," Dagger told her. "I'm glad you get the luxury."

"I wish you got it to."

Dagger let out a huge sigh. "Is that selfish? Are these problems I have selfish too?"

Elouise shook her head. "I might not want to live anywhere else, but if I never had the option of leaving Alexandria, queen or not, I would go crazy. I can't imagine that must feel much better than being barred out of your own city."

The queen's shoulders sagged, but she didn't know if it was in relief or dejection. Elouise seemed to understand so much of her situation and see things from an out-of-the-box perspective. It reminded her of talking things through with Zidane.

"You're a lot like Zidane, you know that?"

Elouise snorted, "Yeah, I get that sometimes, even now. I don't see it, except maybe in the hard headed department."

"You're easy to talk to," Dagger told her, her voice gentle. "You empathize well."

The blonde woman looked down, her own green eyes shining. Her long, slender fingers rested on the book in her lap. "His best quality and biggest weakness, don't you think?"

Dagger sighed, leaning back on her hands, tucking her legs into a cross-legged position. "I can't disagree with you on that one."

Elouise didn't look up though. She continued to smile sadly at the book down in her lap. It was a long moment of silence before she looked back up, tears in her own eyes as her hair blew gently in the cool wind. "I Want to be Your Canary… familiar?"

"My favorite play," Dagger nodded.

Her company held up the book, one finger on the inside to hold her spot as she showed Dagger the cover. "It must have been pretty impactful on Zidane too. He rewrote this in the dream world, nearly word for word, for a playwright contest."

Dagger laughed, feeling like the story about him was familiar, but she was not entirely sure how it went. "He did?"

She smiled at the younger girl, "He had never been so sure of himself. Imagine his disappointment when he found out the damn thing was already written."

The queen snorted, rolling her eyes. "That sounds just like him," she turned to look at the blonde, "you know they used to perform. Tantalus, I mean – the group that Zidane was with before he was taken by Kuja."

Elouise smiled fondly, "That sounds just like him, too. Vivi has told me some of the things Zidane remembered about himself – things he didn't know when we became friends. And it makes me so incredibly happy to know what makes him the way he is."

Dagger hummed in agreeance before turning and looking toward the city again.

"I didn't know what to think of you, really."

"What do you mean?" she turned her head back towards Elouise, eyebrows knit together in confusion. Her messy hairstyle blew in front of her eyes.

The light was behind them now, casting long shadows and bright halos. She could see the individual strands of Elouise's hair shifting in the wind.

"I followed Kuja pretty closely until the end," she shrugged, "Avalanche told me you saved my life."

"Oh…" Dagger could hardly remember. So much of that day felt like a blur. "It couldn't have been that big of a deal," she shook her head, "Eiko and I were using our white magic on everyone that day."

"This was different," Elouise insisted. "I almost caused Zidane's death. It's a hard one to swallow, but I don't deny it. One act of defiance isn't enough to see true loyalty to someone, and yet, despite the horrible things I'd done and believed, you still saved my life when you have every reason to hate me."

"Maybe I did, but I don't now."

But Elouise ignored her and continued, "When Avalanche told me that you saved my life, I kept close watch on what you would do as a queen. I wasn't expecting much of a different rule than Kuja's in the dream world. I never knew anything different. But there was so much… freedom and hope and light, that everything finally seemed to feel okay. I think that's just what Gaia needed."

"You think that all came from me?"

"Even if it didn't, that's what the people see. I've seen you with nobles, children, regular people and even people who don't agree with you. Every single case is handled with grace and everyone leaves happy. You don't rule with fear, and I didn't know what to think of that until I started to feel the change it made."

"Well," Dagger blinked, unsure. That was an incredible compliment. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," she smiled. "But I've made my decision about you. You're a pretty cool woman."

She laughed, "Even if I'm a queen?"

"Maybe that makes you even cooler."

Both of them grinned at each other and Dagger wiped at her eyes, realizing that the silent tears had stopped.

"We best get you back into the city. It will be dark soon, and if you left without telling anyone, there's going to be an uproar."

"You'd think as a monarch you wouldn't get in trouble for doing things," Dagger sighed, accepting Elouise's extended hand to help her up. She gathered up the blanket while the blonde woman put the book back in her chocobo's saddle bag. The two creatures stood and stretched their folded legs.

The field had illuminated with lightening bugs and the symphony of crickets. She hadn't realized it was dusk. She had no idea what time she fled the city or how long she'd been hiding out with Elouise. They glanced back at their city, bright with warmth.

"I think I'm ready to go back," she decided.

Elouise helped her sit on her chocobo with as much dignity as possible, adjusting her dress to cover the dirtiest parts of the hem.

"We'll go together," Elouise answered with a smile, swinging up onto her own chocobo. He kee-wahed and then they started off towards the city.

Dagger knew the struggle wasn't over, but every day she was surprised by the people she met who had so many good things to say to her – so much encouragement about her insecurities as queen – and Zidane.


It was Beatrix and not Steiner who waited for her at the gates of the city. They heard the yells from the guards and Dagger sunk in her chocobo, knowing how much trouble she was going to be in. She felt like she was sixteen again.

Elouise glanced at her with an easy smile and she was reminded that everything was going to be fine.

The woman waiting for them didn't really look angry, but Dagger wasn't sure if that made it worse or not. She was in a pair of faded pants and a long-sleeved tunic that stretched over her extremely pregnant belly. Four members of the Rose Brigade flanked her, but they wore unreadable, professional expressions. When Dagger's chocobo met her, the brunette put a hand on the creature's neck to steer him.

Everything was silent on their walk back. People parted for them and whispers rose from the crowd, but nothing was loud enough for Dagger to hear. Elouise rode with her all the way to the castle gates.

"I must be taking my leave now, My Queen," she told the girl with a mischievous smile, "Thank you for your help in calming my chocobo in the prairie."

Dagger nodded, understanding why she looked so suspiciously innocent. "Of course."

The blonde woman nodded and went on her way, leaving Beatrix, Dagger and the women who surrounded them.

"Rose Bridge," Beatrix started and they all stood alert with a salute, "I'll take it from here. You're dismissed."

The ladies finished their salute and filed into the castle, leaving the two of them there. Beatrix still didn't address Dagger as she led the chocobo down the path leading to the training yard stables.

When they were inside, Beatrix held out a hand to gently help Dagger down from the chocobo. They both gave her a pat and she happily went to the feedbag in her stall, hungry from her day in the field. The stable boy tried to look inconspicuous as he continued about his duties.

"Beatrix –"

The woman looked at her, raising both eyebrows in an unpleasant stare.

Dagger sighed, "I know I shouldn't have left."

Still, the woman said nothing.

"I'm sorry to have worried you. And probably Steiner. And everyone else."

Silence.

"It wasn't very queen-like, or mature for a woman of my age. And I won't do so again."

For only one more moment could Beatrix hold such a stoic face before her shoulders fell and she let out a huge breath. "Dagger, we were so worried about you." But instead of saying more, she pulled the younger woman into a hug. "I heard about Bronson. I swear," she pulled back aggressively and paced for a moment, pregnant hormones suddenly raging. "If I would have seen him, oh he would be dead. He – he – gah! I cannot believe he had the guts –" she whirled back on the queen. "Dagger… I'm sorry for all of the pressure. I didn't realize until today –"

"No, you shouldn't apologize. This has nothing to do with you."

"But it does…" she shook her head, "Steiner and I – we need to be there for you. Just because you are our queen and we are you royal guard doesn't mean that mentor, brother and sister relationship should change. You try to reach out to us and we need to remember we are more than just your royal guard now."

"No, please, that's not the case. You guys do so much for me –"

"I know you think so… And in some respects we do, but we aren't doing you any justice. You're hurting."

"I –" but Dagger stopped, her words failing on her lips. She couldn't deny that, and maybe she shouldn't anymore.

"Besides, save your arguments for Steiner. He's not exactly happy," she patted the girl's hand. "I had to throw quite the tantrum about the baby to be the one to meet you at the gate, but I didn't want him to make a scene."

Dagger winced. "That bad?"

Beatrix shook her head, "Let's just get you inside and cleaned up."

They walked together, but barely made it in the door before they found Steiner, tromping toward them with anger splashed across his face. Beatrix squeezed her hand.

"Garnet til Alexandros the 17th!" he boomed, and the servants that were just coming out of the hall stopped and backtracked, slinking back through the doorway that they came. She wished she could do the same. "What in the world were you thinking?!"

"Steiner –"

"You ran off and your running off caused Bronson to run off and I – ohhh when I get my hands on his skinny little neck –"

Both women stepped back in shock.

"This is the last god damn time the council is bullying you into one of these courting shenanigans! You just see how embarrassed they are when their actions could have caused a catastrophe with the queen! And then there will be an uprising and a civil war and that is the last thing I'm going to let happen!" he growled every word.

"Wait… you're mad at the… council?" Dagger blinked, twisting her hair around her fingers nervously.

"Not Garnet?"

"Of course I'm not mad at Dagger!" he huffed, his nostrils flaring. All of his body language spoke against his words. "She was the leader of the resistance for heaven's sake, I know she could take care of herself," he crossed his arms and huffed and Dagger had to stifle a laugh.

It came out of nowhere – just bubbled up inside her chest and came out without her meaning to. She put a hand over her mouth, "Pardon me." But it had gotten their attention anyway.

"What is so funny?!" Steiner boomed. More servants turned around and walked back the way they came.

Dagger's lips formed a thin line and she breathed deep through her nose before continuing. "Steiner, I think that's the most faith in my you've had my entire life."

His ruffled feathers seemed to tame down a bit, and he scoffed. "It is not. You're… you're just –" he crossed his arms and stubbornly looked away, "You might be a queen now, but you're a fighter at heart. You were trained by Beatrix and I, and not believing you could take care of yourself in the time of peace – well that would just be an insult to us."

Beatrix closed her eyes and laughed out of her nostrils. "Well at least you've dodged the worst of the rage, you know."

"It was wrong of you to go, Dagger," Steiner said. He was the most dutiful knight that ever existed and yet, with his emotions running so high, he couldn't bare to call her by a name he didn't really recognize her by. "But… this is not your fault."

"You have to let me take responsibility for my actions –"

"Why? You're a queen, you don't have to," Beatrix grinned. "I think this will be plenty of evidence that Dagger need not worry about finding a husband. There is still plenty of rebuilding in Gaia to do."

They started towards the stairs and anyone who even looked like they wanted to ask a question was glowered down so hard by Steiner they walked by with their mouths' still hanging open in silent question.

When Steiner pushed open the door to Dagger's room, the balcony door was open, letting in a cool evening wind. They watched as she kicked off her shoes and stepped forward, out onto the balcony. Both of her guards leaned on the doorway leading back into her room, watching as she put her hands on the rail.

Her hair was in tangles and her dress was ruined. Whatever makeup had been on her face was long gone. She squeezed her hands around the rail.

"You two are right as well."

"About what?" Beatrix asked, one ankle crossed over the other. She still looked suave and cool, despite one hand being slung over her largely pregnant belly.

"I… I might be nowhere near marriage but…" she sighed loudly, frustratedly, "I have to think about more than myself. No matter how much I want to run, I can't. No matter how much I want to leave Alexandria and look for Zidane, I won't. I… I have to be reliable. Maybe I've done everything right, but my heart is still longing to be out there. I must also be grateful for what I have at home," she turned, her eyes shining. "I have to be thankful for the people who are still left in my life and not take advantage of them."

Tears were streaming down Beatrix's face in a matter of moments. "It's the hormones – everything is the hormones," she cried as she strode across the balcony, yanking Dagger into a hug. "Say whatever you will, Dagger. But we could never be prouder of the woman you have become."

Steiner joined their hug as well. "It's true," he confirmed. "Nothing could make me prouder than this family unit."

"Whatever you choose to do, we will always have your back."


A/N: So it's taken me like months, shamefully, to update. And what did I need to finish the chapter? 3 more pages? Ugh.

Sorry I'm so terrible. But maybe this will be the hump I needed to get over to keep going. Be patient! Answers are coming!

-zesty-