Etiquette, Politics, & Fans

Akane's eyes flew open with a snap as a loud crash shook her room. Her eyes flicked over at the clock on her nightstand, and seeing 7:02 AM displayed, narrowed sharply. As a deep bellow further disrupted the peace of the morning, she got out of bed with a growl. She didn't know what was making all the noise so early in the morning, but she was pretty sure who was responsible. She headed to the living room, shambling at first, but slowly becoming more alive as her anger gradually woke her.

"Oh, good morning, Akane," greeted Kasumi from where she sat gazing out into the back yard. "You're up early."

"Yes. I am," she growled. "What's the inconsiderate jerk up to this time?"

"Mister Saotome decided he wanted to test Ranma's fighting ability as the Avatar of Light."

"Oh?" she said, suddenly becoming less annoyed and more interested. "How's it been going?" At that moment, barely preceded by a girl's shout, a large black and white blur streaked across the yard, skipping off the ground once, and flew into the pond with a mighty splash. "Never mind," said Akane dryly, "I think I can tell."

Stepping out of the living room, Akane made her way to the dojo, keeping a careful eye out for 'light lances' or other special attacks. Walking into the dojo, she was greeted by a pleasant, "Back for more old—oh, hey, Akane. Did you pass the panda on your way in? Do I need to fish him out of the pond?"

"I saw him crawling out on his own. I think he's done for the morning, though." Akane studied the Avatar, noting that she didn't look the least bit tired and seemed completely unruffled, not a single strand of long lavender hair, pink ribbon, or piece of gold jewelry out of place. "So, what's it like fighting as the Avatar?"

"It's incredible," said Ranma with a smile, "I'm faster, stronger, and more durable.

"It sounds amazing," replied Akane, smiling back at the thought of it. "Um... do you think maybe we could spar a little?"

Ranma suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Akane, if the old man didn't stand a chance—"

"Oh, I don't mean anything serious! I just want the experience of going up against a real magical girl and seeing her in action."

Ranma gave her a long look, studying her intently, before simply replying, "You're not ready."

"Really!" snapped Akane, her voice rising, "And when will I be ready to face the mighty Avatar of Light in light sparring? After a year of intense training?! Two?! Maybe after a worldwide training trip?! Please, Ranma, do tell me exactly what it'll take for me to finally be ready!"

"Actually, I meant that you're wearing pajamas with little ducks on them..."

Blushing furiously, Akane walked to a changing room and returned a minute later dressed in a white gi. "Ok, let's do this!" exclaimed Akane eagerly. "Don't—er, do go easy on me."

"All right. Try to hit me."

Akane nodded and threw a punch—or tried to. Before she'd done more than barely start the attack, her fist ran into Ranma's open palm. Eyes widening, she threw a punch with the other hand, getting the same result. An attempt at a kick was gently stopped with the sole of Ranma's boot when Akane's foot was barely off the ground. Frowning, Akane initiated a flurry of kicks and punches, each one being stopped as soon as it started, until after stopping an attempt at a punch-kick combo, Ranma gave her a firm push on her breastbone, sending her stumbling back.

"Wow..." breathed Akane. "That's amazing." She'd always been deeply impressed by Ranma's ability to dodge so effortlessly, but being able to sense what attack she was about to make—and stop it faster than she could launch it—that was uncanny. That was what being a magical girl was all about!

"Well, actually I could have done that without being the Avatar. But not if I was up against someone good."

"Let's try something else," growled Akane.

"Oh, sure. Try to hit me, as hard as you can."

"Gladly!" cried Akane, charging forward with her fist cocked. With a shout, she let it fly at Ranma's face and the bored expression on it—and gasped as it hit. "Ranma!" she cried as the other girl's head snapped back, "I'm so sorr..." she trailed off as Ranma moved her head back, looking no worse for the wear.

"Stung a bit," said Ranma absently. "So," she asked the stunned girl, "want to see what I can do?"

Akane nodded dazedly, then gave a shriek as Ranma lunged forward, grabbed the fabric of her gi, and swung around, hurling her out of the dojo at incredible speed. As the yard passed by in a blur, she noticed Ranma gather herself and streak forward after her. Akane lost sight of her an instant later but then felt slender arms around her as the path of her flight was redirected into a series of controlled jumps that allowed Ranma to gradually bleed off momentum and bring them to a safe stop.

Once Ranma put her down, she took a moment to catch her breath and steady her legs before turning to the other girl and shouting, "Ranma! That was—awesome!"

Ranma, who had started to cringe at the beginning of Akane's shout, straightened up. "Yeah?"

"Of course! I've just been tossed around by a real magical girl! I can't wait to tell … but I can't tell anyone, can I." Akane gasped. "I can! You don't have a secret identity!"

"Wait a second, Akane," Ranma quickly said, " the guys who want to kill me may know where I am, but I really don't want this," she said, gesturing at her hair and outfit, "to get out."

"But..." Akane sighed. "Fine. I guess I can understand. I'll keep it to myself."

"Hey, at least this way you get to be the only one getting magical girl rides." Oblivious to Akane's stare, she added, "C'mon, let's see how long it is until breakfast is ready.

oOo

"Ranma!" Soun called from across the yard, "A word, if you would."

Ranma, now fed, bathed, and male, walked over to where the man stood near the freshly repaired expanse of wall at the edge of the property. "What's up?"

"I've been giving a lot of thought to this Avatar of Light business, son, and while I'd rather it not be you who fills the role, I understand that it's something you need to do and offer you my full support. However, I believe your first battle has shown that it is simply too dangerous for you to face your challengers here. Why, that shot could have gone through the house just as easily as this wall. So. While I have no objection to you meeting your challengers here, I must ask that you actually fight them elsewhere."

"No problem. I was already planning to do that."

"Good lad," said Soun, clapping him on the shoulder.

"I'll go looking for good places and with Velgri once she gets back."

"Oh? Where is she?"

"She went out shopping with Kasumi," replied Ranma.

"The two of them certainly have taken a liking to each other," remarked Soun.

"Yeah," said Ranma with a weak smile. "It's really something, isn't it."

oOo

"It's about time you got back," chided Nabiki that afternoon, grabbing Ranma's arm as soon as she walked into the house. "Don't you know my time is very valuable?"

"Trust me, I know..." groused Ranma with a scowl as she disengaged her arm. "But other than that, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Why, your first lesson on how to behave in a formal setting, of course."

"Aw, come on... do we really have to go through with that?"

"Not if you don't want to," replied Nabiki. As Ranma started to smile, she added, "You'll just have to tell Kasumi and Velgri that you're not going to do it after all."

Ranma sighed. "Ok fine... Where are we gonna do this?"

"My room, there won't be as many interruptions there. But first, lesson one—you need to use proper grammar. 'Gonna' isn't going to cut it in a formal setting."

"What difference does it make? We both knew exactly what I meant."

Nabiki frowned. "Let's go to my room first. I can see we have a lot to talk about." Once they were in her room and the door closed behind them, she took a moment to collect her thoughts before starting to pace and saying, "Listen to me, Saotome, the first thing you need to understand is that knowing how to behave properly is important, especially in your new role. I understand that you're used to living in the wilds and engaging in indiscriminate brawling, but now you're the Avatar of Light, a position that's entirely dependent on formal agreements."

"Yeah, I get that, but that just says we have to stick to actual challenges. It doesn't mean I have to act all fancy."

"Yes and no. Since your fights are formal challenges, you can expand on the formality, and for example, name a specific time and place to fight when you accept."

"That's a good idea," admitted Ranma, "but I still don't see what it has to do with acting fancy."

"That's because it was just a simple and unsophisticated example!" exclaimed Nabiki, smacking a fist into her palm. "You can get people to do so much more—but only if you follow certain social rules!"

"Like what?" asked Ranma, starting to look interested.

"Tell me, Ranma, when LoliDemonica insisted you exchange cards with her, why didn't you just tell her to shut up and fight?"

"What? I couldn't do that! It'd be... ohhh. Ok, that's ... interesting," admitted Ranma.

Nabiki nodded. "Interesting and useful. But it only works if you follow the rules. If she'd come up, waved her card at you, and said, 'Yo! Show me yours!' would you have cared so much about not having one?" When Ranma shook her head, Nabiki nodded and said, "And that's still just a basic example. The more you can draw someone into formality, the more you can get them to do—but that requires you to follow more rules and know how to act in a given situation."

"And that involves things like fancy dinners?" asked Ranma with genuine curiosity.

"It can. If you need to talk to me about something and I insist we do it over dinner at a fancy restaurant, that dictates your behavior to an extent. I'm doing you the courtesy of hearing you out, so you're obligated to act appropriately for the setting I specified, especially if, say, I insist on paying. Get that look off your face, Saotome—I'd be willing to treat someone to dinner if there was something more valuable to be gained."

"Really? It looks more to me like you always go for the quick buck."

"That's because I do. We're talking high school kids here—what's to be gained beyond a bit of cash or free food and entertainment? Could I get more out of them? Sure, but we're still talking pocket change, and I have better things to do with my time and effort. But rest assured, once I'm out there with the big boys, I'll be ready and willing to play for real. Now, let's get started on your lesson."

oOo

"I'm home!" Nabiki called as she walked into the house and slipped off her shoes. Seeing no one around, she continued on into the kitchen, where she found Kasumi and Velgri studying a sheet of paper.

"Hello, Nabiki," Kasumi said with a smile, "how was your day?"

"The usual," replied Nabiki with a shrug as she grabbed a bag of rice crackers from the pantry. "What are you guys up to?"

"We're putting together a menu for a French dinner for Saturday night," said Kasumi before suddenly looking thoughtful. "Nabiki, you've given Ranma an etiquette lesson already, haven't you? Do you think we should make it a formal dinner?"

Nabiki shook her head. "It'd be better to wait a week or so. I want to take Ranma to an upscale restaurant to get some experience first."

"Oh my, don't you think it'd be better for her to practice at home first, in case she makes mistakes?"

"If it were any other home, I'd say yes, but considering who she'd be sharing a table with, I think it'll be better if her first formal dinner is somewhere we'll be able to reasonably assume everyone else is going to behave properly, more or less."

"You have a definite point there," remarked Velgri as she levitated a pen and made a mark on the sheet of paper. "And how is the Avatar progressing?"

"Well, I've gotten her to decide it's something that might be worth knowing, which for Ranma, is half the battle right there. How's the rest of the Avatar stuff going?"

"Only time will tell. I have given her a basic knowledge of the nature of the Avatar and her powers; now she must internalize those teachings and gain an intuitive understanding of her powers and how to access them. Only then will I be able to teach her more."

Nabiki considered the fox's words as she ate a rice cracker. "And Ranma knows this, right?"

"I assure you, I was quite clear when I explained—" Velgri paused for a long moment. "On second thought, perhaps I should go over the matter with her again..."

oOo

"I'm home!" called Nabiki as she came inside, slipped off her shoes, and continued on to the living room, where she found Ranma lying with a school book and a bowl of rice crackers in front of him. "No magical girl drama today?" asked Nabiki as she walked over and took possession of the bowl before sitting down at the table and picking up a magazine lying there.

"Not since the other day," replied Ranma with a scowl, "when Velgri suddenly decided I needed to repeat the entirety of An Introduction to the Avatar of Light. Thank you so much for that, by the way."

"All I did was ask how you were doing," said Nabiki as she leafed through her magazine. "It's not my fault you have a proven history of forgetting her lessons."

"She told me she was going to show me how to use magical powers and then started a history lesson! Excuse me for being a little distracted! I wasn't about to zone out during the part about the actual powers."

"Like I said, I just asked how you were doing. Oh, that reminds me, you and I will be going out to dinner at a nice restaurant Tuesday night to get you some practical experience."

"I'm not eating snails," declared Ranma firmly.

"Then don't order any. We're not going to a French restaurant, anyway. Kasumi's making French food for dinner this Saturday, but it won't be formal." With a smirk, Nabiki added, "I can't promise there won't be any snails there."

"I think I'll be able to handle it," Ranma assured her, then looked up with a frown as there was a knock at the back door.

"I'll get it," said Nabiki, standing up with the bowl, "and I'll get us some more crackers."

"Grab me a soda, too."

Nabiki walked through the kitchen, leaving the bowl on a counter, and opened the back door. With raised eyebrows, she regarded the girl standing outside before asking, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, please. I'm here to challenge the Avatar of Light."

"You know, the sign directed challengers to the back of the property, not the kitchen door."

"Uh... I'm sorry, but, well I'm here already and you'renotgoingtomakemegoallthewayaroundareyou?" the girl rushed out while nervously pushing her index fingers against each other.

"Fine, you can stay here," sighed Nabiki. "Now, whom shall I say is calling?"

"Y-you mean you don't recognize me," asked the girl, her blue eyes starting to fill with tears. "I'm Sailor Moon!"

Nabiki studied the girl in front of her. Big blue eyes and long blonde hair in stupid hairdo—check. Tiara, brooch, earrings, and weird red things on her hairballs—check. Red, white, and blue fuku with bow, gloves, and boots—check, check, and check. Nabiki folded her arms and stated in a matter-of-fact tone, "You're not Sailor Moon."

"What are you talking about?! Of course I'm Sailor Moon!" exclaimed the girl, holding her hands out to the side and twirling around to prove her authenticity from all angles.

"First," said Nabiki, holding up a hand to deflect a passing ponytail, "Sailor Moon is a good guy who wouldn't be challenging the Avatar of Light."

"Ha!" cried Sailor Moon as she turned back to face Nabiki, stumbling a little at the end of her twirl, "All the result of my excellent publicist! You'd be amazed at the image you can project with a good one."

"Trust me, I wouldn't," drawled Nabiki. "But second and much more importantly, you aren't Sailor Moon because Sailor Moon is fictional."

"Ha again! Another cunning move by my publicist to make sure I don't—"

"Look," said Nabiki flatly, "if you're not going to take this seriously, you can just come back and challenge the Avatar later."

As Nabiki started to close the door, Sailor Moon quickly exclaimed, "Ok! I'm not Sailor Moon! But I am a really huge fan and thought it would be awesome to challenge the Avatar as her!"

"You do look just like her," Nabiki agreed as she opened the door again.

"That's nothing! Watch this!" called not-Sailor Moon as she jumped back, and with a shimmer, shifted into Sailor Moon's alter ego of Tsukino Usagi. Holding her brooch, she cried, "Moon prism power—make up!" And with a swirl of music, light, and ribbons exactly like those in the anime, she transformed into Sailor Moon.

"And that's not all!" exclaimed Sailor Moon as she moved out of her resultant pose and shifted into Mizuno Ami with another shimmer.

"Wait! I'll be right back!" cried Nabiki as she rushed into the house.

Ranma looked up as Nabiki ran into the living room. "Hey, what's—" As Nabiki ran straight through without stopping, he frowned and sat up. When she ran back through in the other direction carrying a camcorder, he scowled and stood. "Right..." he sighed, "Alquia." In an instant, a burst of elfin magic flared around him, causing water from the air to condense on his exposed skin, triggering his curse. "I'm a guy," now-female Ranma said resignedly, invoking the much more spectacular Avatar transformation.

Walking out the back door, she stopped and scratched her head at the sight of Nabiki filming a real, live Hino Rei transforming into Sailor Mars. "Hey!" she called, "Are you here to challenge me or what?"

"Yeah!" called Sailor Mars.

"When?"

"Any time," replied Kino Makoto. "Jupiter power—make up!"

"Cool," said Ranma, nodding her head for a second before thrusting out a hand and crying, "Light lance!" Caught in the middle of her transformation's twirl, Kino Jupiter didn't even have a chance to scream when the brilliant bolt of energy hit her squarely between the eyes.

"What the hell, Saotome?!" shouted Nabiki. "I didn't even get footage of Sailor Moon or the outers!"

Ranma shrugged as she turned back toward the house. "It always bugged me that no one ever took a shot at them while they were transforming."

"You might want to watch what karma you pick up there, Little Miss Magical Girl," growled Nabiki as she turned off her camcorder.

"Yeah, yeah..." replied Ranma over her shoulder as she looked around for a moment with a frown on her face before simply bellowing, "Velgri!"

Mere seconds later, the fox in question walked out of the house. "There's no need to shout, young lady. I sensed your magic flare and was already on my way. Now, what is so important?"

"Is this whole Avatar thing a joke?!" demanded Ranma. "The first challenger got off a single attack—with my help—before I one-shotted her, and this last one didn't even manage that! I went along with this magical girl gig because you made it sound like I'd be the only thing standing between the world and an invasion of vicious demons—but this, this is just pathetic! If this is what the other side is like, you can find someone else for the job—I've got better things to do!"

Velgri's ears flattened against her head and her eyes began to glow a brilliant gold as a rumbling growl, deeper and louder than anything a fox her size should have been able to produce, filled the yard. Just as Ranma was nervously beginning to think another approach may have been better, the fox closed her eyes for a long moment and took a deep breath, visibly reining in her temper. "I … suppose I can understand your feelings, even if your manner of expressing them was deplorable. Sit, and I will explain."

Once Ranma and Nabiki had walked to the porch and sat down, Velgri continued. "It is, in fact, true that the opponents you faced so far have been, to put it plainly, incompetent. The reason for this can be explained in a single word: politics. You see, while in the greater scheme of things, the forces of darkness desire to destroy the Avatar of Light so they can run free on Earth, most of the time, the specific challengers are selected by entities that are fairly powerful in the dark hierarchy but still far from the top. These entities, especially at the start of a new Avatar's service, are prone to selecting challengers that further their own aims, rather than the candidates likeliest to succeed."

"How does sending incompetent demons help them?" asked Ranma dubiously.

"Most often, there are two reasons. First, there is the consequence of a challenger who is already powerful defeating the Avatar. The prestige in such a feat is enormous and would cause the political power of the one who accomplished it to skyrocket. If a relatively minor entity managed to do so, the effect on the one who selected her would be minimal beyond a rise in stature for choosing the one who succeeded in defeating the Avatar. If the challenger already had status, however..."

"She'd shoot right past the one who sent her!" exclaimed Nabiki.

"Exactly, and considering the way superiors treat their underlings in the dark hierarchy, a reversal of roles is typically very unpleasant for the former superior."

Ranma frowned in thought before nodding. "And the other reason?"

"It is often the case that an entity will have in her service a number of beings they neither selected nor desire but cannot remove because of their connections—for example, a favored relative of a powerful lord. Many times, these connected individuals will either be incompetent or placed with the specific aim of sabotaging or overthrowing their superior at a later point. But while the superior is unable to dismiss the troublesome underling or arrange a convenient accident without an unacceptable level of risk, publicly honoring the connected individual is another matter entirely. And being selected to challenge the Avatar of Light is considered to be a great honor indeed..."

"Devious," commented Nabiki approvingly.

"So I'm stuck facing demons who are annoying or incompetent?" asked Ranma. "Great..."

Velgri shook her head. "Only for a short time. While the first few challengers are expected to be probes rather than serious attempts to defeat the Avatar, the dark lords will make their displeasure known if too long passes without a serious challenger being sent."

"See, Ranma, there's nothing to worry about. You'll be desperately fighting for your life in no time!" Nabiki said cheerfully.

"Great!" said Ranma, brightening for a moment before stopping to reconsider the matter. "Actually, let's not get carried away now..."

"Yes, yes," said Velgri dismissively. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to sit here and commune with nature to wash away the unpleasant experience of being addressed in such a vulgar and disrespectful manner."

"Er, yeah... Uh, sorry about that..." mumbled Ranma as she rubbed the back of her neck.

"Just go inside, Ranma," sighed Velgri, "I believe someone else wishes to talk with you."

"Um, ok," said Ranma, standing up and reverting to her normal female form before walking inside with Nabiki close behind.

In the kitchen, Kasumi smiled at Ranma and said, "Go ahead to the living room. I already have a kettle warming."

Ranma smiled back and said, "Thanks, Kasumi," before walking on into the living room, where her smile instantly fled as she saw who was sitting at the table.

"Tell me, Ranma," said Soun in a voice devoid of emotion before taking a puff of the lit cigarette in his hand, "was I unclear in my request to you the other morning?"

"Er, no..." squeaked Ranma nervously as she was unwillingly pushed closer to the angry man by Nabiki walking into the room behind her.

"Then, perhaps you could explain," roared Soun as he leaned forward, his head somehow seeming to grow huge and menacing as he blew jets of smoke from his nose like a furious dragon, "why no more than a few minutes ago, I watched from my window as you fought a challenger on the very doorstep of my family home!"

"I'm Sorry!" cried Ranma as she recoiled in fear, "I got distracted and forgot! It won't happen again! B-besides, there wasn't any danger; she was a real pushover."

As Soun's head reverted to normal, he pounded his fist on the table and exclaimed, "You must lose this overconfidence, Ranma! Yes, your opponent was defeated before she could launch a single attack, but what if she had survived your initial shot? Did you even consider what the mighty power of the sparkling wide pressure could do to the home that has been in my family for generations?! Or what if she had launched a fiery burning mandala at this noble structure of wood?! Even Sailor Mercury's graceful and beautiful shine aqua illusion would have done untold damage to this house and its contents! And I shudder to imagine the consequences if Sailor Moon had wielded the cutie moon rod or dared to unleash the very power of the mighty and terrible Ginzuishou itself! Do you understand, Ranma?"

"I understand that you're entirely too knowledgeable of Sailor Moon attacks for a man your age," Ranma replied slowly.

As Soun's face turned pink, Kasumi walked in with the kettle and cheerfully said, "Oh, it was father's favorite show and he never missed an episode! He made sure to be in front of the TV five minutes early with a big bowl of popcorn and a cold bottle of soda on the most adorable Sailor Moon tray."

Attempting a jovial laugh that came out with a slightly hysterical edge, Soun, now bright red and profusely sweating, replied, "Oh, Kasumi, you know that was just so I could bond with my dear, sweet Akane over magical girls."

Kasumi tilted her head to the side in confusion. "But Akane always watched it at her friend's house."

Soun quickly pulled several bills from his pocket, and thrusting them toward his eldest daughter, suggested, "Why don't you take Velgri to the movies, Kasumi."

"All right," said Kasumi brightly as she took the money, tossed the kettle in Ranma's direction, and virtually skipped back into the kitchen.

"You do realize, daddy," warned Nabiki, "that Kasumi hadn't started dinner yet?"

"Keep it down," hissed Ranma urgently as she poured the hot water over herself.

At that moment, Akane walked into the room, eyes shining, and asked, "Did I hear Nabiki say Kasumi wasn't making dinner? Don't worry! I'll make a meal you won't forget!"

"Not till our dying day..." muttered Ranma.

"What was that?!" growled Akane.

"Nonsense!" cried Soun expansively before Ranma could respond. "We're going out for dinner to celebrate the Avatar of Light's recent victory over the forces of darkness!"

Bowing her head, Nabiki humbly said, "Thank you for saving us from a fate worse than death."

Ranma blushed and shifted from foot to foot in embarrassment. "I was just doing my duty..."

"I was talking to daddy," whispered Nabiki.


Author's note (09/07/13): A few people have left reviews containing suggestions or questions that made me want to rush to respond. But, of course, every one of them was from an anonymous reviewer, making it impossible. So, if anyone feels the urge to leave a review that contains questions, suggestions, or any sort of in-depth analysis, please do so while logged in so I can actually reply to what you say.