She had gotten so used to each of Oarai's tanks being the only one of its kind that seeing two 38(t)s next to each other in their hangar and now on the field felt strange. Once it was cleaned up and restored, something that didn't take long at all given the Automotive Club's experience, the Tanuki was identical to the Turtle in every way except for emblems. The way it was meant to be. The way every school did it. Except it was unlikely the twins would go into battle together off the ship. They didn't have enough people to crew it without depriving the other tanks and reducing their efficiency. That was acceptable only in training.
So today the Tanuki was crewed by Hoshino who had gladly swapped one Czechoslovakian tank for another identical one because it meant she was no longer with the Student Council and could take the driver's seat, Tsuchiya who had taken the gunner's position because she wanted to try it out and finally by Erwin who wanted to command a vehicle with a turret for a change. Caesar had taken her command position in the StuG while doubling as the loader, meaning the only fully crewed tanks were the Type 89 with Duck team and the Panzer IV with Hana, Miho, Mako, Saori and Suzuki who had been promised she could drive the Tanuki in the next training session.
Captain Chōno had plotted this session. Her goal was simple; they were going to face Anzio which had a very mobile team so they were going to learn what it felt to face a very mobile team. Some of them anyway, given the roles they had to play.
Force A consisted of the two 38(t)s, the T-50 and the Type 89. Three light tanks and as Duck team insisted; their medium tank. Force B was the Panzer IV, the M3, the B1 bis and the StuG; all the big guns and heavy armour. It was as close to emulating Anzio as they could manage with their tanks. Ideally, they would have had the StuG on their side too but five against three wouldn't have been practical, especially as their light tanks had far more firepower than Anzio's tankettes. The disparity in armour and firepower actually made them more similar to any of the minor schools facing Kuromorimine or Pravda's heavy tanks and tank destroyers.
Erika naturally was in command of Force A and she was well aware of the weakness of her force. She had the best tank with the thickest armour and most firepower. The fastest too. But she also knew the advantages the machines held. They were small and fast and facing a tank destroyer that could be overwhelmed easily by swift opponents, the conspicuously tall M3 and the lumbering B1 bis. And the Panzer IV? The irony of how happy she had been to find its 7.5cm gun was not lost on her now that she was always facing it in these training sessions. The Panzer IV F2 was a good all-round tank but it had vulnerable flanks. The 38(t)s could take out the Panzer IV from nearly a thousand metres in the flanks. Well, if they hadn't had a rookie and Momo in the gunners' chairs anyway. Sasaki was a good gunner at least, even if she hadn't had many opportunities to prove it.
"So what's the plan, Blondie?"
Erika narrowed her eyes at Nakajima. "Well, Jumpsuit." She said and the girl grinned at her. "I was thinking of sending Ahiru team out to scout and then when we've found the Nishizumi Peril, using the trees for cover to negate the advantages of their 7.5cm guns so we can get up close and personal where even our Public Relations girl can't miss."
"Sounds good."
"I'm so glad you approve."
"I didn't say that."
Erika sighed. While she was getting used to the lax discipline and banter of Oarai, there were still times when it prickled at her ever present pride and sense of professionalism. There was little or no deference to the hierarchy of command here. They might have obeyed her orders but Nakajima and Yukari didn't think twice about making fun of her. But she could hardly complain about that when she had been nothing but belligerent with the Student Council.
Captain Chōno hadn't started the match yet and she wondered what she was waiting for. Perhaps Force B wasn't in position yet; they were the slower tanks after all. She honestly wasn't sure what she thought of the Captain although her idea of training was appropriately unorthodox for Oarai. She seemed to think that they should train as if they were going into battle; into situations that could never be truly prepared for. She believed in the Nishizumi Style for Sensha-do and yet trained them for actual war scenarios. She was a soldier as much as a Sensha-do practitioner. Kuromorimine treated Sensha-do as seriously as war and were the nigh-unstoppable force that they were because of it. But Sensha-do wasn't war and that meant she could do things differently.
They waited quietly. Engines off. She stood up in the cupola and took in their little tanks. They looked like toys compared to the heavy German tanks she was used to and certainly compared to Chōno's modern Type 10. Yet she remained fond of the 38(t)s for all their shortcomings. It would have been nice if today all they had on the field were light tanks; that could have been fun. A nice even contest which would boil down to individual skill and now she wasn't sure that would mean only she and Miho would be left. Duck team were a capable and well-oiled machine now, as were Hippo team. When they weren't rattled, the Rabbits had proven themselves talented as well.
"All participants." Chōno's voice startled all of them as it came suddenly over their radios. "Bow!"
They bowed and spoke the words and Erika was suddenly gripped by the futility of it all. Of the hopelessness of the cause the Student Council had committed them all to. Anzio might be a battle they could win. Win handily even. But beyond that… She may as well have started to consider which school she would attend next and whether she would don a different Sensha-do uniform when she got there. Anzu knew this feeling. Knew it all too well. All at once she was sad to have gotten angry with the little red-haired girl for her indolence and then angry with herself for allowing herself to give in to despair and for tolerating that same weakness in others.
"Panzer vor!" She snapped and sensed Nakajima and Yukari flinch at her tone. "Ahiru-san team, take the lead." They were her best asset and she didn't want to expose them to danger but she didn't trust Turtle or the makeshift Tanuki team to be effective scouts. Duck team already had the experience.
Seeing her Soviet tank flanked by the two Czechoslovakian models was odd. Like cats running with a dog. Following in the wake of a Japanese tank… Two cats and a dog chasing a tiger. And opposing them, an American, French and two Germans. Also odd.
Their advance was swift and ruler straight. She thought that Miho would guess she would try to flank her and this Nishizumi Style type frontal assault in their light tanks would take her by surprise. She had to guess. Miho had to guess. The best tank for Miho to scout with was her own which as a team captain put her at a distinct disadvantage.
They advanced into a hollow and she gave the order to halt and to kill their engines. She listened but could only hear Duck team. She waited and knew they were wondering what they were waiting for but didn't bother to spell it out for them. Let them figure out for themselves that they were concealed in hidden ground while their scout checked that nothing lay ahead.
"Ahiru-san team, report."
"No sightings." Noriko replied. "All clear."
"Take cover and hold position until we re-join you." She commanded. She didn't want them to be too far away from Duck team to respond if and when they found Force B. "Everyone else, follow me and keep a sharp lookout."
"What do you think Nishizumi-dono is doing?" Yukari asked as Nakajima got them going once more.
"If I knew that, we'd already have won." She knew she sounded curt but it was the truth. Yukari knew it as well but she was nervous. She knew the advantages held by Force B better than anyone. "She can only do what she can do."
"Is there a name for tanks like the rabbit and the mallard?" Nakajima asked from below her. "You know, tanks with a big gun in the hull and a turret?"
"No, they're generally referred to by their weight class." Yukari answered in her rapid chatter. "So Usagi team has a medium tank and Kamo team has a heavy tank. Although, they weigh almost the same."
"Just like we're heavier than the mighty duck out there." Erika remarked.
"Not by much." Yukari swiftly countered.
"No… That's the funny thing about the different generations of tank. In the late 20s, fifteen tons is a medium tank. By 1940, it's a light tank." She mused on the development and how these developments became even more drastic with only a difference of several months during the Second World War. It was why high school Sensha-do could be so imbalanced, especially if a school used only one nationality's tanks and that country's tank development had peaked early. That was a major disadvantage for Anzio. The very best Italian tanks were scarcely middling compared to those of America, Britain, Germany and the USSR.
"I don't like it." Noriko reported, before speaking the cliché. "It's too quiet."
"Oh, that's not good." Yukari toned.
"No." It was a jinx to say the Q-word but it being quiet was no reason to become paranoid. For all they knew, Miho had launched a rapid flanking manoeuvre and they were going around them while they went up the centre, just as she had hoped. What would Chōno think if they ended up ignominiously swapping starting positions? It would most likely amuse her and she would laugh that rather maniacal laugh of hers. There was no reason to panic over it being quiet when there were many possibilities as to why.
"Do the Student Council seem tense to you?" Nakajima inquired generally. "They were tense before the Saunders match and they were chilled for a while and now they're back to being…" Erika waited as her driver sought an appropriate adjective. "Squirly." Or maybe not.
"Squirly?"
"People are talking." Nakajima said. "Some people think they've put some kind of bet on us doing well in the tournament, and they used the school's money and they're terrified it'll go wrong and they'll get found out."
"You think the Student Council are committing illegal underage gambling, on a sport you're forbidden to gamble on, at the high school level, using embezzled school funds?" Erika didn't care if every gun at Miho's command fired on her while she was distracted, she ducked down to stare incredulously at the back of Nakajima's head.
"They've got to pay for all this somehow." Nakajima pointed out. "And it's not like there's any fat to trim from the school budget."
Erika stood back out of the cupola and wondered if perhaps they were onto something. A bet on a new school defeating Saunders would have had incredible odds and the right bet could easily have funded the club for a year. Maybe Anzu had done it. She didn't know how Anzu would have acquired the contacts to illegally gamble but she couldn't honestly say it was beyond her capabilities. No matter where you went, Student Councils had an oddly disproportionate amount of power.
"Or maybe they've using the chemistry labs to make drugs, like that American TV show." Nakajima continued cheerfully.
"I can imagine Anzu as a drug kingpin, but I can't picture Yuzu as one of her lieutenants." Erika mused.
"But there's no doubt about Momo-chan!"
"It might explain a few things." She said and then tried to focus on her surroundings. It wasn't easy as Yukari began to enthusiastically tell Nakajima about the extensive use of amphetamines among soldiers during WW2, particularly the use of methamphetamine by the Germans and she could tell Nakajima was wondering what Yukari would be like on such stimulants. Her personal guess was that it would either make little difference or she would begin talking so fast that the rest of the world would age around her and turn to dust. Conversely, it would probably take an elephant tranquiliser to even slightly slow her down.
"Okami-san team! Enemy sighted, moving…" There was a pause as Noriko checked her compass. "South-east!"
Erika drew up her map and not for the first time she cursed living on a ship. On a normal map, you orientated it to face north but on a schoolship, you had to know which direction your ship was sailing so that you could orientate the top of your map to face the bow. The bow was the ship's 'north' as it were so she had to turn the map that way, even though the ship was sailing east or at least it had been when she had consulted its course before the match. If it had changed direction, then she would have to figure out the new heading based on the discrepancy between the map and her compass. Just one of the complications of living on a ship.
"Which enemy?" She asked, finding their position.
"Sorry. All of them." Noriko reported. "They're in a single line abreast."
"Position?"
Noriko gave it and Erika did some calculations. If they were where she thought they were. "I think we can recreate Saunders." She thought aloud.
[][][][][][]
The four vehicles of Force B had advanced steadily together from their starting point and Miho had debated furiously with herself whether to detach Rabbit team to scout. Each time she had concluded that the tall tank was not suitable for the task and Erika would simply see it first and take it out before they could react. That was what this match was about, to demonstrate the strength of a highly mobile force over a slower, heavier one. She felt that with the tank destroyer and the M3 and the B1 bis that she commanded a lumbering beast but she guessed that Erika believed she commanded gnats. She had no means to scout while Force A couldn't survive any exchange of fire. So Erika would attack her hard and fast and without warning.
Such as if Force B travelled beside a screen of trees that would block their field of vision and allow Force A to approach unseen.
[][][][][][]
Erika realised what Miho had done and cursed herself for falling for it but it was not immediately fatal. Force B appeared in front of them and received as much of a shock as they did at their sudden proximity. Rabbit and Mallard team both fired immediately and on the move and so their four shells went wild, as did those of Turtle and Tanuki teams. Akebi of Duck team however scored a direct hit. Unfortunately it was on the B1 bis and therefore, inconsequential.
Nakajima drove them at full speed through the line and Yukari didn't need to be commanded. She fired point-blank into the M3 Lee and really did recreate their Saunders moment.
"Report! Report!" Erika snapped into the radio. "Bring us around!" She yelled down at Nakajima.
"We're finished." As always Anzu made the declaration casually and it brought acidic rage boiling up from her stomach to hear her insouciance. She was saved a retort that would have made everyone who heard it wince by the sight of her other 38(t) taking out the StuG with a flanking shot. Erwin would have plenty to talk about with her friends later.
"Erika!"
She shrieked as Yukari grabbed her by the knees and yanked her down into the tank. She heard something overhead that made her stare into Yukari's owlish eyes and then nodded gratefully at her.
"What now?" Nakajima was oblivious.
"Get the Captain!"
She scrambled back up into position, peering through the viewports and saw the Duck driving circles around the Mallard, its 57mm gun yapping ineffectually at the big beast but keeping its full attention. That left herself, Miho and the Tanuki to face one another. And Hana had already come perilously close to decapitating her…
Nakajima drove them directly at the Panzer IV which took a glancing hit from the Tanuki but kept its attention on them and she imagined Suzuki loading for Hana as she gripped a shell for Yukari and then her gunner fired and Yukari cursed as Mako seemed to anticipate the shot. They whipped past the German tank, narrowly avoided a head-on collision with the Czechoslovakian Tanuki and then all three machines fired simultaneously.
[][][][][][]
Shambles was the best way to describe the match. No one would have expected the last tank standing to be the newest addition to their fleet with a team who had never worked together before and yet it was Erwin, Hoshino and Tsuchiya who claimed overall victory. Erika certainly didn't feel it was her team's success because the sudden brawl had boiled down to individual skill and that cursed concept; luck.
It was appropriate though that the underdog team had won. The underdog team of the underdog school. The Wolf and the Tanuki had eliminated the Anglerfish, except the fish had bitten the Wolf in the process. Meanwhile the Big Duck had defeated the Little Duck, marking Sodoko's first success as a commander, even if Erwin had then put a shell point blank into the B1 bis' rear; neatly demonstrating that a 38(t)'s little 37mm was lethal in close quarters.
It had not been an elegant contest and Captain Chōno lectured them about having to be prepared for sudden action and to overcome shock. She also pointed out how the fight demonstrated exactly what she had intended; the fast smaller tanks of Force A had overwhelmed Force B's stronger, heavier machines because they had nullified their advantages in firepower and armour by closing the range. At point blank, all tanks were equal.
Miho had intended to ambush them and had miscalculated how fast Force A were travelling. Had she gotten it right, Erika would have driven her team straight under Miho's guns and been at their mercy. It had been a close run thing. Just as if Yukari hadn't pulled her into the tank, Hana's errant shot would have killed her. Not that she and Yukari were talking about that. They both knew it was one of the risks of Sensha-do. But what instinct had made Yukari realise Hana would miss their tank and strike its commander instead; she didn't know… She didn't want to think about it. Another one of those moments she would relive in her sleep, no doubt. Yet, somehow she wanted to keep doing Sensha-do. She enjoyed it.
So did Miho who wasn't concerned about her defeat in today's training session. There was a time when she would have been neurotically analysing every moment of the match to figure out what she could have done differently, to succeed; to win. Instead, she went out with her friends and had soup and talked about what they thought would be the next viral song and from which country, and they all agreed they would never do the dance; it was too much of a reminder of the forfeit Anzu had forced upon them. Erika decided not to tell them she knew that Anzu didn't actually have the power to make them do things like that. It was too cruel.
"What did you think of today?" She asked as they walked home after saying goodbye Hana, Saori and Yukari.
"Tanuki team did really well."
"Hoshino and Tsuchiya already work well together, and of course Erwin's a good commander." It would be interesting to see how others fared when they took a turn as a makeshift team. "You don't think it's a bad omen the fast mobile team beat the slow team?"
"No." Miho answered immediately. "Your platoon didn't properly represent Anzio and mine didn't represent our side. Anzio has tank destroyers and our light tanks are stronger than their tankettes."
"That's what I thought. Even if we don't take the Tanuki into the match, we still outnumber Anzio in terms of capable tanks. Those tankettes are only a danger if they can swarm me, Ahiru or Kame team. And that won't happen because if they attack one of us while we're scouting, we'll just lead them back to the rest of the team."
"We still don't know how Anzio defeated Maginot though."
"Anzu said we'll see the recording on Monday. It should be interesting." She decided not to mention that Yukari was planning to visit Anzio to perform more reconnaissance. It would be a fun surprise for her, and the others. "Are you enjoying Sensha-do again?"
"Why are you asking?" Miho's features came as close as they could to expressing suspicion.
"We haven't talked in a while. Not since after the match… With Koume... We helped Mako with her problems and I've been camping with Yukari in the meantime and we haven't… We haven't talked."
"I'm okay." Miho said quickly.
"That wasn't what you said last time we spoke."
"I have good days and bad days." Miho said and then lifted her head. "Today was a good day."
"Today was a strange day." Erika replied. "Though we feel like a proper team with eight tanks." She thought about what she had just said. "Eight tanks… It's ludicrous. Eight tanks and our best guns are two 7.5cms."
"You still want to find more?"
"I'm never going to stop looking. If there are tanks abandoned or hidden around this ship, I won't stop searching until I know I've looked under every rock and scoured every building. I'll have Anzu command the entire First Year to pick through the ship from bow to stern from the keel up." She saw Miho's expression. "I know. I'm getting fanatical again… That's a strange thing to say… But if we beat Anzio, we'll face Pravda and you know what they'll put up against us. If we hope to have a chance in hell at winning, we're going to need more than a couple of 38(t)s to take on T-34s."
"Is winning really that important?" Miho was starting to look agitated. "It's Oarai's first tournament in decades."
She felt a familiar knot in her stomach and wished she could simply tell the truth and make the position clear for everyone. But she had a good enough cover story. "I really need to sleep at night. And that's not going to happen until I fight Pravda again and I feel the universe didn't turn against us."
"Is that what you think happened?"
"We fought in a storm that washed away the road." Something that had only deepened her hatred of the concept of luck. "We didn't lose because we were outfought."
"You want to outfight Pravda?"
"I want that puffed up midget to be so physically and mentally exhausted by the time she's done with us that her giantess will have to pick her up and carry her back to her cot."
Miho's eyes had grown huge. "Please don't tell the others that."
"No promises." Erika replied. "I know it isn't personal for you… But it is for me." She had a thought. "I've got no strong feelings about fighting Anzio… I really wanted us to beat Saunders and I really need us to defeat Pravda but Anzio? I think the only thing I'm looking forward to is the banquet they always throw."
"That will be nice." Miho still seemed rattled by her vengeful thoughts towards Pravda and Katyusha.
"Relax, Miho. I'm saving my rage for the enemy."
"They're not the enemy though. They're just… Girls like us."
Erika stopped and Miho took two steps before realising it. She looked back as the realisation swept over Erika. "I really am turning back into her, aren't I?"
Miho stepped back and took her hands. "You were always competitive, Eririn. That doesn't mean you're back to thinking like a Kuromorimine student."
"I am though… At the start of the match today, I was thinking about what lay ahead, the odds of us advancing through this tournament and I felt depressed… And then I hated myself for it. Hated feeling weak and I hated anyone else who might feel the same way. Because we're supposed to be strong."
"We are strong. Look at us! Look at where we are now when before… When before… We're here now!" Miho gripped her hands tightly. "We're happy here!" She beamed blissfully at her and the knowledge of Oarai's inexorable doom hit Erika like the shell Yukari had saved her from during practice. The walls that had been up since the events of the finals of the 62nd National High School Sensha-do Tournament shattered.
She burst into tears.
Erika had not cried when she had been injured. She had not cried when she had seen her reflection and the great stitched wound across her face. She had not wept in the aftermath of her fight with her mother, instead she had punished her favourite German wine until the line between drunk and hungover had blurred completely. She had shed no tears.
Until now.
She was only dimly aware of Miho patting her on the back or even that the smaller girl was embracing her. The racking sobs permeating her body held full sway and just as they seemed to calm down; more welled up from deep within her. Pain. So much pain. From long before Oarai, before Kuromorimine, and all of it pushed down, suppressed; locked away. Released.
She was even less aware of Miho taking them home and pressing Fūran into her hands. Erika clung to her rabbit like she was a little girl once more and the white bunny was as much a comfort now as it had been then. She still smelt of flowers.
[][][][][][]
It was a deep dreamless sleep and as her nights were almost always blighted with memories of dark, bloodied waters; that was more than enough to make her start awake.
"Miho. You're in my bed." She was aware of the irony.
"I didn't think you should be alone." Miho answered in her smallest possible voice.
"No…" She had so often looked down on Miho for her reticence but it was impossible to feel any other way while wearing her crumpled school uniform in bed and clutching a stuffed rabbit. She felt intensely vulnerable, naked even, but it definitely would have been worse if Miho hadn't been there.
She lay still and drifted back to sleep and into a dream that took her back to kindergarten, only now there were miniature versions of Oarai's Sensha-do club there. She watched as they played with the girls she had known all those years ago, like they had always been there. Kindergarten had been an innocent place. Before school. Before anything that had tried to shape her into something.
When she woke up, Miho was also dozing and she didn't know what to say or do as the vulnerable party in this situation. When it had been Miho, she had teased her. Miho had often been shy and embarrassed, and awkward. More than once she had seemed like she was on the verge of a breakdown. But instead she had been the one to breakdown. To completely fall apart. She hadn't even seen it coming.
One moment she and Miho had been walking home at the end of a pleasant evening and the next, she had been feeling an entire lifetime's worth of anguish. She had heard of the expression of 'the straw that broke the camel's back' but she hadn't known it could apply to a person;s psyche. Not like this.
Perhaps she should have seen it coming though. She had come to this school with a heap of issues and then more had been piled onto her by the Student Council. Instead of working through those issues that had brought her to Oarai, she had ended up grappling with them as she tried to reconcile her Sensha-do induced depression and anger with having to do Sensha-do again in a school that was woefully unequipped for it, and was pinning its very existence on Sensha-do success. Meanwhile, Miho had started to reconcile having to do Sensha-do again because she enjoyed the culture and style of Oarai towards it, as well as having made new friends who didn't have expectations of her. Which could only last so long as Miho didn't know that Oarai's existence depended on their successfully winning the national tournament, and on no one else finding out because when they did; they would pin all their hopes and that of the school on their Captain, and also on her.
Erika put her fingers to the side of her head as it felt like a steel band had enveloped her skull and was now crushing it mercilessly. If this was how Anzu felt all the time with the stress of the knowledge, no wonder she was constantly snacking and trolling everyone she could.
It wasn't just Miho who would be crushed. So many of the club were invested in it and the school. For all their protests about being press-ganged into service, she knew the Automotive Club loved tinkering with tank engines. She knew the History Girls loved feeling like they were living history in their StuG. Duck team hoped success in Sensha-do would lead to the revival of their sport. And Sodoko, Gomoyo and Pazomi had clearly built their lives around being Oarai's monitors of discipline. Take that identity from them and what would they have?
Yukari's family lived here. What would happen to them if the school was closed and the ship sent to be scrapped? They couldn't just go to another ship and from the state of their shop, they were hardly in a place to afford land-based property. Which school would Yukari end up at? Would it actually benefit her if she ended up going to a more prestigious school with a better developed Sensha-do program? Or would she be heartbroken that the team she had poured so much of herself into would be snatched away, fragmented and never seen again?
The steel band grew worse and she prodded Miho awake. The Nishizumi girl was momentarily alarmed by the sight of her until she remembered where she was.
"You dream about cakes." Erika told her.
"I do?"
"You tell me. You were mumbling about them."
"I don't remember…" Miho crinkled her nose thinking about it.
"Miho, I… Miho-"
"I know." Miho interrupted her. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Erika swallowed. "Not really… But do I actually believe that, or do I just think that's how I'm supposed to feel?" She knew it would chime with Miho and she could see it in her eyes. "All that Kuromorimine stuff… Even though I realised how toxic it all is, I still keep thinking like a Kuromorimine student." She pressed at her temples as the stress headache threatened to make her see stars. "Maybe it works for other people… People who aren't us. But you're not aggressive and I'm too hot-tempered so it could never work for us. But I still want to prove how good I am at something. At Sensha-do. Because that's the only thing I've ever done that's mattered."
"Mattered to who, Eririn? Your mother?" Miho asked. "That's why I always did Sensha-do. Because my mother did. I've thought about it a lot and I've realised, she never asked me. Did she ask Maho? Or did she just put Maho in our family's Panzer II and teach her to drive, the way other children get taught to ride a bike? And then she just assumed with me…"
"Can you ride a bike?"
"… I could drive a tank before I could ride a bike." Miho admitted. "And now that little Panzer II is my favourite tank…"
"I can't ride a bike." She couldn't look at Miho as she made the admission but she could still see her incredulous expression in her mind's eye. "I never learned. I never had one as a child. My mother doesn't like them because she thinks they'll just get you dirty. Like I would go out looking for swamps to ride through." Given her frustrations, it was likely she would have. When she had grown older, she had realise her mother had other objections about girls on bicycles but Miho didn't need to know the specifics of that. "I think that's why I always wanted to get a motorbike. If she thinks pushbikes are unladylike…" She sighed suddenly. "I hate how much energy I've wasted doing things just to spite my mother."
"I wish I could stand up to my mother like that…" Miho confessed. "I can't even imagine talking back."
"It doesn't help. It just makes you angrier." She wished the bed would swallow her. "I'm tired, Miho. I'm tired of being angry all the time. I'm tired of going at everything at two hundred percent and then not being satisfied afterward. Nothing's ever good enough for me… I'm so tired…"
She felt Miho's fingers intertwine with hers and they both dozed once more. This time when they woke up again, they rose and while Miho went to the bathroom, Erika dressed herself and placed Fūran back in her place. She thought of all Miho's Bokos and then of Yukari's vast collection of military and Sensha-do knick-knacks before looking around her own stark quarters. For all the intentional irritation of her parents, she had never dared rebel by making a statement with the décor of her room. Her bedroom had always looked like a guest room; neat, tidy and inoffensive.
Characterless.
[][][][][][]
As they ate a brunch which threatened to be lunch after their lay-in, Erika found herself considering her finances. Sure it was nice to eat out in good company but it was also a big expense. The time might have come for her to get a job. Miho didn't seem to think about it which probably meant her mother still supported her, even if she wasn't sure what that meant.
"I've been learning to cook." Erika said. "I'm not Saori, but I think I'm getting to a point where I wouldn't be scared of poisoning someone if I cooked for them."
"I still worry about that." Miho confessed. "I can't get the timing right. When I follow the specific instructions, it's always too little or too much time. When I judge it myself… I get it wrong. I don't know how Saori times it so that everything is ready at the same time."
"Practice I guess. Like everything else. I never had to cook though and all the How To guides make it sound so simple that I feel stupid when I get it wrong. And then I get angry…" She pulled a face. "Like everything. When I'm not mastering it, I get angry at it…"
"What have you mastered?" Miho asked.
"Coming up with nicknames for my team?" She ventured. "Getting hugs from every random member of the club?"
"Did you ever go fishing?" Miho asked and then blushed as she realised what a silly question it was to ask her. "Maho and I used to go fishing when we were young. We would use rods or even just nets. And even though we would take the Panzer to get to the river, it didn't feel like a tank activity. It was something else. And I was good at it."
She knew the story from the gossip but even hearing it straight from Miho was strange. "I can't imagine you splashing about in a river with a net."
"Why?"
Erika tried to think of a polite way of saying that the idea of the shy, delicate Miho she knew now being soaked in river water and covered in mud while clutching a struggling fish was simply ludicrous. Keizoku girls she could picture that way. Yukari barely required her imagination to envisage in that scene. But Miho? She shrugged instead.
"We used to bring what we caught home. Mother would cook the fish. … And she would get angry over the bucket of frogs because I would forget about them and they would get loose all over the house." Miho smiled, halfway between happily and ruefully. "But I was good at catching things."
"If only Pokémon were real." She said and tried to smile to show she was joking, but she knew it would have looked sardonic even without her scar.
"If only." Miho didn't seem to notice however. "What do you want to do, Eririn?"
"I've been asking that question for years." She admitted. "I never had a dream job and I know that what my parents wanted was for me to marry a good husband and not have to work… Sensha-do… I don't know when I realised I was being encouraged for the virtues and not the sport… But Sensha-do's not a planned career path for me. Or you… You're the younger daughter."
Miho squirmed at the mention of her family obligations but she had chosen her words well. She wondered how often Miho had thought about how Maho was effectively locked into the life, being the eldest child and therefore heir to the Nishizumi Style. Miho had had to play her part but it didn't have to be her whole life the way it would be for Maho. "Maho's happy with it."
"Is she?" Erika asked. "She always seemed to just treat it as a job. A job she's good at. But I guess if we don't know if she loves Sensha-do or doesn't care, that means she's doing it the way she's supposed to." As always her lack of understanding of the Nishizumi mind simply made her frustrated so she pushed it away. "Some people know what they want to do. They want to be a lawyer, or a vet, or working outdoors. I never knew. I think I'm going to be one of those people who tries all kinds of jobs but never settles to anything because it won't feel 'right' for me."
"Or maybe you'll find something and realise you're home." Miho suggested brightly.
"So far the only time I get that feeling is when I'm in a tank."
"So maybe you should do professional Sensha-do."
"What are the odds of that though? Or in any sport, even big ones."
"You never know."
"Ever the optimist."
"I try to be." Miho addressed her plate. "And you are too!" She looked up. "You're just…"
"Cruel and bitchy?" Erika offered.
"Cynical." Miho managed to find a tactful compromise. "But you do believe in yourself."
"Someone has to." She said, thinking of the parents who were still waiting expectantly for her to contact them and apologise for not being what they wanted her to be. "I just don't know who I am anymore. I used to be a Kuromorimine student. A Kuromorimine Sensha-do student. That was my identity. And Oarai…" She took off her cap and looked at the white cross emblem that was also on their school uniform. It wasn't the school's actual emblem and it was appropriate then that she wore this instead. "Oarai's just so different. I never feel like I belong here. I always feel… Out of place."
"Why? Everyone here is… Different."
"That's one word for it. But they're all…" Erika tried to find the right term to properly describe the Oarai character, but it was impossible. "I feel like that little kid who's stomping their foot telling the others kids they're not doing something 'the right way', while they're all running around having fun and couldn't care less."
"At Kuromorimine, I always felt like everyone was looking down on me for not being as serious about Sensha-do as they are."
"Yes, I did." Erika admitted with an unexpectedly sharp pang of guilt. "You always made us feel… Silly." Rightly so. "What I should have known sooner; that we were all taking things far too seriously but now I feel Oarai goes too far the other way…" She sighed before speaking again. "During the Saunders match, I made a joke and Nakajima and Yukari said it meant we must have been in terrible danger. I know they were just teasing, but I know they made that joke because I've got a reputation now for being… Serious." She didn't want to call herself a bitch a second time.
"Yukari takes Sensha-do far more seriously than you."
"Sensha-do, yes. Not winning. She doesn't care if she loses so long as she can take part in Sensha-do or anything related to it. She's going to go and investigate Anzio."
"She is?" Miho's eyes took on their alarmed stance.
"Of course she is. You said it was useful last time and that meant the world to her. And she really wants us to do well and this is how she can help out. And she clearly enjoyed herself last time. She loves being your chief spy."
"You aren't worried about her?"
"Of course I'm worried about her. She's insane! But I can't stop her. If she wants to dress up as an Anzio student and ask them very obvious questions about their Sensha-do team, if it makes her happy…"
"Does it make you happy?"
"What?" Erika was caught unawares.
"She's your friend. Does it make you happy that she's happy?"
"Of course it does! You think I haven't been pleased with how happy you've been here? You're nothing like you were at Kuromorimine. …Well, maybe you let Anzu dictate your life but she's a wicked little puppet master. But this is another world, for both of us." And she had to wonder if the culture shock would have been as strong at any other school. "Yukari's happy. I'm happy that she's happy. But I'm not happy. When we beat Saunders, I wasn't happy even though I should have been. Yukari asked me about it and all I could tell her was that I just don't know why I'm bothering with anything anymore. At Kuromorimine, winning was everything. We were trying to get our tenth consecutive win and that was a goal we knew we could attain. It was something to strive for. Here…"
Here the goal was to win an impossible campaign based on the outlandish belief it could save a schoolship from the breakers yard. It was not an attainable goal. It was insanity. Tilting at windmills. She might well have been doing her very best to give Oarai every chance that she could but at Kuromorimine, she had always been confident that victory was assured. She didn't have that confidence anymore.
"There's more to life than Sensha-do." Miho said and then swallowed. "I know if my mother heard me say that, she would be furious. But there is! Our lives at Kuromorimine were built around Sensha-do but here? No one's expecting me to think about Sensha-do all the time. Sometimes I only think about it in the class!" Miho looked around fearfully, as if she expected her mother to suddenly manifest from a dark portal and condemn her for her blasphemy. It was not an entirely irrational fear, Erika thought. She half-expected to turn around and see Maho standing there impassively; observing them. "I like not having to focus on anything. I get to just… Be."
It threatened to make her cry again hearing her say this. Perhaps the Student Council would decide to tell her and then Miho would learn the continuance of her newfound carefree existence depended on her focusing every screed of her being on Sensha-do. The universe was indeed a cruel place. "I need a new hobby." She said instead. "Or a job."
"Haven't you started cooking?"
"It's something but I can't cook for hours. And I'm only cooking for me, so it's not much time… Maybe I should try the guitar again."
"You can play the guitar?" Miho was understandably shocked.
"Not really. I took a few lessons at school when I was young. I probably couldn't remember half of it. I never could take it home to practice so… It's something to do."
"Playing the guitar, and singing?" Miho asked with a wry smile. "No one at Kuromorimine would believe it."
"No they wouldn't, would they?" Erika mused. "Sounds like another reason to do it." She had a thought. "Who told you about me singing?"
"We all heard you sing over the radio, Eririn." Miho said slyly which meant Erika's driver and gunner weren't going to suffer her wrath. She wondered if she had deliberately blotted from her mind the fact she had literally broadcast her vocal talents to the entire Oarai Sensha-do club out of embarrassment. "You're a good singer." Miho said.
"That's not really a hobby though… Not here."
"There must be a karaoke place somewhere aboard." Miho suggested.
"Do you sing?" She asked.
"Not if other people are around. Or animals. …Or even plants." Miho admitted.
"Don't tell Hana and Saori then. They'll drag you on stage and put a mic in your hand whether you like it or not."
The scenario was plausible enough for Miho to become alarmed at the prospect and Erika wondered if it might be possible to implant the suggestion of a karaoke night in Anzu's mind as another means for the club to socialise together. If shopping for swimsuits had been a spectacle, the Oarai Sensha-do club descending into a singing free-for-all would be something else. "It's something to do." She said. It had to be better than spending every other night at the gym and listening to Duck team thrashing volleyballs.
"Hana and Saori were talking about going bowling. Well… Hana mentioned it and Saori thinks it might be a useful skill for getting noticed by boys."
"Lots of flexing and bending over… That'll do it." Erika mused and enjoyed Miho's squirm of embarrassment. "Just the kind of unladylike behaviour which is why I've never been bowling. Sounds fun." She blew away a long strand of hair that had fallen over her nose. She needed a haircut. "We really should try to do more stuff that isn't Sensha-do related. I really enjoyed camping, both times, but maybe it'll be better if tanks aren't involved somehow."
"Yukari might be disappointed by that."
"I don't know. She loves… Having friends. She wouldn't care what we were doing so long as we were all doing it together." She thought about it. "Just like you."
Miho turned slightly pink and turned her attention to finishing her meal. Erika did the same and she thought again about cooking. Though it wasn't something she wanted to invest a lot of time in, she did enjoy cooking for herself. There was a satisfaction in knowing that if the food was good, it was because of her. If it was bad, it was also her. Which was much better than being given bad food and having to pay for it. This was good food and it would be awhile before she was at this level. But she would need to work before she could start buying ingredients she might ruin practicing. They were talking about hobbies and yet what she needed was a job. That was kind of like a hobby.
"What do you want to do today?" She asked Miho.
[][][][][][]
For no real reason they walked to the bow of the ship or at least as far as the deck went. They stood at the rail and looked down on the actual bow and even though she had seen such a sight many times before, it still made her dizzy. They were insignificant specks compared to this ship, and the ship itself was small compared to other, younger, schoolships. But those behemoths were barely even dots on the vast Pacific Ocean. She worried about her place in the world and yet everything in the world seemed small and inconsequential to something else in the world. The world itself was a small planet.
"What are you thinking about?" Miho asked.
"Just regular existential crisis thoughts." Erika answered honestly and Miho gave her an appropriately weirded out expression. "There's so much of this ship to explore. These fields and the woods behind them… Side streets, more woods… And then all the decks below us." The vast spaces below decks could have hidden who knows how many secrets.
"Still looking for tanks then?"
"I'm just curious. I wish we had more medium tanks in our line up. Fewer awkward machines as well."
"Awkward?"
"The B1 bis and the Lee are awkward." She said, meaning their turret and sponson gun configuration. "And mine's not exactly reliable. At least with Kuromorimine's heavy tanks you know which components are going to break and to expect it. My engine will be fine one day as Nakajima makes us fly at low altitude, and then it has a heart attack trying to leave the hangar the next day."
"It seems better now it has a new engine."
"Well it hasn't tried to burn me if that's what you mean." She said darkly. "How's the Panzer IV?"
"Homely. Hana and Saori really accessorised it, and so did Mako. And then Suzuki made herself comfortable as well!" Miho grinned. "Yukari-san wouldn't like it."
"She still glares at my seat cushion." Erika mused and then thought of something else. "Why do we call the Automotive Club by their family names?"
Miho frowned, apparently having never considered it before. "That's what they call each other. It's their thing."
"Well, if it's Erwin and Saemonza rather than Riko and Kiyomi, I guess Nakajima and Suzuki isn't so strange."
"Their names are Riko and Kiyomi?"
"And Caesar is Suzuki Takako and Oryou is Nogami Takeko. So I guess that saves us some confusion. Yukari told me."
"How did she find out their names? When I was learning everybody's names and birthdays, their soul names were even on the register."
"It's Yukari." Erika said and it was a testament to Yukari's nature that this was an adequate answer for Miho. "A homely Panzer IV… It looks better in green camo."
"It's served us well. I do miss the pink Lee though."
"I don't. Every time Fluffy looked at it, I knew she was thinking of repainting it herself."
"Professional teams paint their tanks in odd colour schemes all the time."
"Only when the other team does. And I don't think Fluffy likes that either."
"I think the Student Council liked their gold tank too."
"If you had told me they would be our fourth tank eliminated when we fought St Gloriana, I never would have believed it." She scoffed. "St Gloriana… That's feels like an age ago. Hard to believe. Feels like only yesterday Momo was screaming at everyone to shoot at me."
"That wasn't a good start."
"No… But it wasn't as if she was actually going to hit me."
"She is a…" Erika fixed her with an incredulous look as Miho tried to think of something tactful to describe Momo's woeful gunnery. "Amateur." Miho finally settled upon.
"She's awful. She's the worst gunner we have and that includes Pazomi who's had far less practice. She's also firing a howitzer so she has to do everything differently to the rest of us. What's Momo's excuse?"
"I've seen the President shoot a few times. She's good."
"Well, she has issues…" To put it mildly. "Unless she steps up, we're best off keeping them as our flag tank. Yuzu can keep them out of danger at least."
"Yuzu's nice. I wonder why she's Vice-President instead of Public Relations Manager."
"Because she's good at admin and because I think Public Relations at this school requires people to be scared of you. And I think a lot of people are scared Momo's going to have a psychotic episode and kill them if they bring something trivial to her attention." She thought about it. "Perhaps I should apply."
"Do you think the President's good at her job?"
"Which one? Operating a tank, running a school or running a criminal empire as my driver seems to think? I know she's good at running our club. It must be a nightmare providing for all our different tank models but we haven't come up short of any spares or ammo yet, so she's doing something right."
"I've heard she likes to talk to you."
"She thinks they might intimidate you so she asks me the questions she thinks you might be uncomfortable answering."
Miho was uncomfortable. "What questions?"
"Like who our weakest members are. I'll happily tell her Momo to her face."
"That's not nice."
"No. But it makes me happy. Anzu worries about you too."
Miho was surprised. "She does?"
"She knows what they did wasn't fair, or nice. I think she'd apologise if she could, but she's President so she can't. She has to keep being a little red imp keeping us all dancing to her tune."
"What is her tune?"
It was another invitation to tell the truth and it pained Erika to hear it. But she still wasn't going to say anything. "If she has a plan, she's the only one who knows what it is. For all I know, she's hoping that somehow she can turn Oarai Sensha-do into a mountain of sweet potatoes for her."
"They were really determined for us to join though."
"And look what it got them; through the first round after defeating Saunders. That's something to write about when they apply for university." They could claim it was due to their leadership skills. "Especially if they sell the underdog aspect of it all."
"You think that's why they hounded us?"
She hated having this conversation again. If they all had suspicions, why was she was the only one who had gone and had a confrontation to find out the truth? Was it because her family issues meant she had been in no position to respect authority while everyone else believed that they had to treat the Student Council with a measure of deference and take it on faith that they had good reason for their actions? And not some sinister purpose? "They wanted to revive the Sensha-do class and we were the only ones who knew what we were doing. You saw the state of the hangar when we first opened it. They didn't even know they only had one tank in there."
"That wasn't reassuring."
"You were." Erika pointed out. "All you had to do was pat that Panzer IV and you cheered them all right up. Yukari looked like she was having a religious awakening." Among other things. "Somehow you made them all believe when anyone else would have walked away. That's why they made you Captain. You and your cheery perspective. Whenever they think they might be getting the short end of the stick, they just look at you and your smiley face and everything's better."
"… Sorry?" Miho ventured.
"Why? That's a good thing."
"Not when you say it like that."
"I'm not used to it. I'm not used to…"
"Emotions?" Miho supplied with a rueful smile.
"No. We never had morale problems at Kuromorimine before… Before everything. We just got on with it. We never had an ebb and flow based on what was going on. If we scored a victory, we carried on. If we lost a tank, we carried on. No one let anything show…" She swallowed. "Except anger." In that regard she had always fitted right in. "Maho would give a little speech before every match but I don't think anyone ever actually listened to her. I mean actually listened to her. It was just… Words. Here though, they listen to us. They get excited when we're doing well, and they need to be checked so they don't get cocky. They get low when we're doing badly and they need reassurance. It's… Different. I'm trying to get used to it. And then you have girls like Nakajima who are happy no matter what. If the treads came off the tank and the turret separated from the hull; she'd be ecstatic."
"I always listened to Maho." Miho said. "She gave good speeches. I couldn't imagine giving one like that."
"You do okay. You get to the point."
"I don't like talking to crowds."
"You don't like people looking at you." Erika pointed out. "You'll have to get used to it though. Just like I'll have to get used everyone here being exuberant. And hugging me…"
"People are going to keep hugging you, Eririn."
"…Why?" She felt her eyes do an impression of Miho's normal owlish expression.
"You always look like you need a hug." Miho shrugged.
"I do?" Her eyes got even wider. "I thought people were scared of me."
"They are. But when you're angry, you look like you need a hug. And when you aren't angry-"
"I look like I need a hug." She finished for her. "When did I get so vulnerable?"
Miho reached instinctively for her face and checked herself at the last moment with her finger inches from Erika's scar.
"Is it that bad?"
"You look hurt." Miho said, quite helplessly.
"So do you." Erika said, equally.
The height from the waterline to the deck was far enough that they had to strain to hear the water breaking on the prow. It was a good distraction from their awkwardness although it would have taken a lot to break their tension. It didn't help that Erika heard her words to Yukari echoing through her head. 'I don't know if I want to kill her or kiss her.' Very apt. Though not to be taken literally. She did wonder however if she would have had similar feelings toward a boy; becoming confused as to how she felt until suddenly her fist was making contact with cheekbone. That would certainly have embarrassed her mother. It made her sound like a little kid pushing the other children over, throwing things at them or pulling their hair; all because she didn't know how to properly express herself.
"Do you want to walk to the stern?" She asked, just to see Miho's expression. For her with her regular cardio workouts, the trek had been bracing. Not so for Miho. "I'm kidding. Let's go home."
"Home." Miho repeated, looking wistful.
"This is home for as long as it lasts." She said and Miho didn't interpret any dark subtext though Erika realised it was there. "It's cosier than Kuromorimine." Even her cheerless room had more life and colour than her Spartan quarters at Kuromorimine. There also wasn't the intimidating German architecture looming around them. Out here on the bow, there were just fields. Peaceful.
[][][][][][]
Hello, Koume.
When I last saw you, we talked about what happened that day but we didn't talk about what came afterward. We didn't ask you how you feel about being Vice-Captain.
It must be hard. There's no official Vice-Captain position here at Oarai but I seem to have taken the role. It's not easy here. Everything I know about Sensha-do I learned from Kuromorimine and their style doesn't fit in this place. We're informal here and people are uncomfortable if you shout commands at them. I do a lot of shouting. I can't help it and everyone's used to it to the point that it's become a joke. There's another girl who shouts a lot and it's a joke too. Except that sometimes when I shout, it's not a joke. Unlike the other girl. It scares them. Miho doesn't scare them when she shouts. She has the firm commanding tone of voice down and she doesn't even realise it. Maho would be proud.
How is the Captain? How's she treating you? I can't imagine it's easy being in her shadow. It was hard enough for Miho and they're sisters. I know Kuromorimine annihilated Chi-ha-tan in short order but it's Chi-ha-tan so I know they won't have been enough for everyone to feel like they've restored the school's honour, so that must be tough…
I had a bad day. Miho's had bad days. If you have bad days, I want you to know you can talk to us any time. I know Miho would like to hear from you again.
Erika
(10,152)
Author's Notes
There was supposed to be a series of strikethroughs at the start of the email. But FF can't show that so I removed it.
So I spent December reading, re-reading and proofing my first chapters. I was getting tired of the constant quibbling. I write for enjoyment so sitting and editing is not something I care for. If it's glaring, I'll fix it but little things…
I didn't know where this one was going. I don't plan these out. At most I might jot some ideas down on a piece of a paper and turn those into actual prose. But I don't plan events.
So a chaotic training match that saw the new Tanuki 38(t) triumph. I wanted to give the future Leopon team more experience. It's always bugged me that they get Oarai's most powerful tank and have no previous (shown) experience of operating any vehicles like it. I also liked the idea of Erwin commanding an actual tank against her clique's tank destroyer.
And then Erika finally giving in to her emotions. Toughest part of writing this is would be Erika being aware of the secret and not being able to share it. She can't tell Miho. She's certainly can't tell Yukari. And time and again, there are moments when she's presented with the opportunity to reveal all. She's living a lie and watching others live it too.
My personal headcanon has always been that Erika is a lonely person and that her superiority complex is the result of an inferiority complex. She needs to prove herself and believe she's the best because she doesn't feel worthy. You see it in her videochat with Maho in Das Finale. My Erika has repressed a lot and it was inevitable it was going to overwhelm her. I just didn't know when. I did know it would be connected to Miho though.
The other tough part of writing this is that Erika should be throwing herself into this with a passion and driving the others the same way to save the school. But she doesn't want to be the old fanatic Erika again, or to see others become disillusioned and hollow as Miho was at Kuromorimine. It's a hard path she's treading.
