So I've started writing again. It's literally been years but I genuinely couldn't stay away. I stopped because life got a bit hard, and I felt embarrassed for writing fanfics. But things have changed since then, and I'm owning this now. I like writing. I like sharing it with others, and I'm not taking this seriously anymore. This is just for fun. I'd love any criticism that you have though, on my writing style etc. Not necessarily on the plot though, which I'm aware is full of holes and inconsistencies. Sue me, Homer was inconsistent, I can be too. Anyways, I'm excited! Enjoy this, and please let me know if you do…

They were laying siege to Troy. It felt like they always had been, like it had been ten years rather than ten days. An ancient fire seemed to have entered their blood and they were no longer acting normally, instead they had become soldiers besieging a city, rather than a group of crazy boys trying to get a dog back…

Chapter 1 - in which an oath is made

The scene: Mycenae House, Iliad College. An elite boarding school somewhere in the heart of the Dorset* countryside in England. Think rolling downs, an enormous red brick building surrounded by other smaller ones, catering to everything the unwanted children of the wealthy could want. A state of the art gym and pool, riding stables, grounds that go for miles, and a collection of boarding houses, some as old as the school itself, others newer, more modern. It's a couple of days before summer half term, and the students are winding down after exam season.

Menelaus was drunk, possibly high as well. So were the rest of them. They were all slumped on bean bags in Mycenae House, at Agamemnon's annual Post-exam Party. This being Agamemnon's party, it was a 'bros only event', featuring pizza, video games and weed. Everyone was there. Diomedes, Nestor, Idomenaus, Ajax and the rest. Someone had even managed to get Patroclus away from Achilles for five minutes, and now that it was past nine o'clock, he wasn't texting him constantly anymore. Achilles never went on his phone after nine o'clock. A promising rowing star, with a bright future and an Oxford* scholarship ahead of him, he went to bed early and wouldn't be caught dead smoking weed or drinking alcohol. Patroclus was a bit more laid back than his boyfriend, and he didn't like to say no. A diplomatic personality, he figured it was wise to stay on the right side of Agamemnon.

"I'm going to adopt it, really I am," Menelaus slurred, passing his phone round the room for everyone to see.

"A pekinese, really?" Agamemnon snorted, "come on. We've got a reputation to uphold."

"The Chinese say it looks like a guardian lion. It's supposed to act like one too. Brave and that," Diomides grinned as he spoke, but Menelaus didn't hear the joke in his voice.

"Really?" His eyes grew wide.

Agamemnon sipped his drink in a dark sort of way. Really, why did his brother have to be so gullible. His reputation at this school was at stake. Already a rocky reputation considering what his father and uncle had got up to when they were here. He had worked for years, building up his name, finally becoming head of Mycenae House, second only to Crete House for wealthy future politicians, lawyers and finance executives. Iliad College was a place where reputation mattered, but also where it was fragile, and often impossible to regain once lost.

"Heracles stole a dog once," Philoctetes put in.

All heads snapped his way. Heracles was legendary. Now a successful member of the Oxford rugby team, he had nevertheless had a fearsome reputation when he had attended Illiad College, a few years ago. He had been the one who stole the rowing team flag from Troy house, who had destroyed the Hydra rowing team at Henley Regatta* once and for all and who had, it was true, stolen the History teachers dog in his last year. Philoctetes, an upper sixth year, was the only one, beside Nestor (whom everyone always seemed to forget) who had known him well among those present. It was rumoured that he still had Hercles' lucky rubber band which he had used in a vain attempt to control his temper, at least, he had his last one. Heracles had got through a few.

"Well, I'm not going to steal a dog," Menelaus said piously, "I'm going to adopt one. And I don't think Heracles should have stolen Mr Hades' dog anyway. Spot is his only friend." He sniggered in a way he wouldn't have dared if Mr Hades had been present.

"I thought he had a wife," Ajax said lazily. He was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Ajax was head of the rugby team, and not one to cross, which was why no one ever mentioned his fathers' highly publicised affair with the star of some reality TV show which had resulted in his half-brother Teucer. Teucer could hold his own though, even without his brother. He was the well-respected captain of the cricket team. The two were rarely seen apart, and they sat next to each other now, Ajax smoking lazily, Teucer calmly listening to the conversation of the others, without getting involved.

"You can't get a dog," Calchas told Menelaus, "it's against school policy.

"It's not against Mycenae house policy," Agamemnon said, seizing this chance to show his power and influence, "I'll just get dad to send in a loan, build a new pavilion or something. That will clear things up."

"The chapel roof is leaking," Idomenaus mentioned slyly, "this place really has gone to the dogs since my grandfather's time. It's a shame he's no longer on the board of trustees…"

"I thought he left because of the scandal after his daughter ran off with some guy she met at Labyrinth nightclub," Agamemnon said through gritted teeth. He hated how Idomeneus was always throwing his weight about. People said he was jealous of Idomeneus' wealth and connections, but that wasn't true. The guy was just insufferable.

"I'm going to call her Helen." Menelaus was oblivious to Idomeneus' attack.

"You're getting a girl dog?" Agamemnon spluttered.

"She's so cute!" Menelaus looked dreamy, but that might have been the weed, "Don't you think so?" He asked the room.

"She looks lovely," Patroclus said kindly, "and it would be good to change the rules around pets here, they're meant to be really good for mental health."

"Yeah, they're a great replacement for having a personality," Diomedes rolled his eyes, "Honestly, everyone I know who has a dog never stops going on about it. If I have to see one more photo of Odysseus' dog having a nap I'm going to lose it."

A ripple of laughter. Everyone knew not to take Diomedes seriously. His sarcastic sense of humour was one of the things that made him popular.

"Where is Odysseus?" Agamemnon asked. It wasn't right that someone should be missing from one of his party's. And Odysseus was someone of reputation. Already the head of Ithaca House, and a polymath who was rumoured to have genus level IQ, he was someone Agamemnon thought it right to associate with. The kind of rising star his father had told him he would do well to befriend. He had, of course, received an invitation to this party, and Agamemnon had been disappointed by his absence.

"Oh, you know him," Palamedes said, "he's always studying. When he's not hanging out with his girlfriend that is."

"He's got the Olympiad coming up," Diomedes was ever ready to stick up for his friend. The two of them had bonded doing titrations in chemistry class, and been good friends ever since.

"Yes, he's very studious," Pallomedes sneered.

"He's probably done by now," Diomedes went on, "I'll go get him. He probably forgot he was invited."

He pulled himself up off the floor, and stood for a minute; the room was spinning ominously. Then he staggered out.

By the time Diomedes had reached Ithaca house, the night air had sobered him up a little, he managed to remember the code to get in and made it to Odysseus' room with little adventure.

"Odysseus?"

The door opened and Odysseus peeked out, his hair stuck to his face, blinking like a mole.

"Diomedes." He said. He didn't sound pleased.

"Are those bedsocks?"

"Penelope made them for me. She's really good at crochet."

"You know I'm sick of hearing all the things Penelope is good at. Isn't she bad at anything?"

"Not really. She's smart, funny, talented, kind. She loves animals. She's coming to mine during half term to meet Argus…"

He trailed off, seeing Diomedes expression. Odysseus often forgot that not everyone was as invested in his girlfriend as he was.

"What do you want?"

"It's Agamemnon's half term party tonight."

"Is it now? Well I don't know what that has to do with me."

"The King of England wouldn't miss one of Agamemnon's parties."

"Well he's missing one now," Odysseus remarked, "maybe go and pester him instead. I need sleep."

"You're always asleep at the most important times," Diomedes pressed, "you should live a little!"

Odysseus looked panicked, but only for a second. In his slightly fuddled state Diomedes wasn't sure if he'd imagined it. He focused on trying to convince his friend.

"It's pretty good over there. Menelaus is going to get a dog."

"He ought to be careful, someone might steal it," Odysseus looked solemn, "Heracles set a precedent."

He put his hands on Diomedes shoulders, trying not to wince at the fumes of alcohol on his breath, "you know what you should do?"

"What?" Diomedes leaned forward conspiratorially. Odysseus struggled to keep a straight face. How drunk was he? Odyssseus didn't understand how anyone who attended Agamemnon's parties could have Diomedes' perfect academic record. Maybe his dad had bribed the school. He'd heard of it happening here.

"You should go back, and make sure they all swear a blood pact to protect that dog from harm," Odysseus said very seriously. He took Diomedes head in his hands and looked into his eyes, "Even Spot wasn't safe. Menelaus needs to watch out for that dog."

He managed to get the whole speech out before he broke down laughing.

"Have you been smoking something?" Diomedes asked, giggling too.

"Nah, I'm just in a weird mood, you know?"

Diomedes was used to that happening. He supposed it was a genius thing. He had to admit, he was Odysseus' closest friend, and even he didn't know that much about him. The guy was a bit of an enigma.

"Weird enough to come to this party?" He asked.

"I'd rather spend the evening with Calypso."

Calypso was a first year student who was besotted with Odysseus. Whenever she managed to pin him down (and it wasn't often, Odysseus was what you might call wily) she would not let him go for what felt like years.

"Tell Agamemnon I've got the flu," Odysseus called after him, as Diomedes set off back to Mycenae house, "say I caught it off Achilles. He had it the other week and he and I were swimming in the same lane on Friday."

Diomedes remembered Achilles' flu vividly. It wasn't often Achilles lost control enough to hurl a physics textbook into the lake, but the flu would do it. The guy had some serious anger issues. Trust Odysseus to come up with some overcomplicated yet believable story. He just wondered if it would be believable to Agamemnon.

"He totally bought it," Diomedes told Odysseus as they watched the acid trickle into the test tube.

Odysseus said nothing, but he looked relieved.

"I really wasn't feeling the party," he explained, "I'm tired and I can't wait to go home for half term."

Diomedes nodded, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"You going home for summer?" He asked.

"I'll be at school for the first two weeks, don't worry," Odysseus scowled, "I need to study for the Cambridge entrance exam anyway and mum and dad are on holiday."

"Anywhere nice?" This was easier. Everyone's parents were always going on holidays without them. You didn't send your kid to an elite boarding school if you wanted to see them.

"New York," Odysseus replied, a little too quickly, "isn't this supposed to be turning pink?"

"Shit."

"You forgot the Phenolphthalein, didn't you?"

Odysseus darted a glance at Dr Athene, the chemistry teacher. He didn't want to mess up in front of her. He set about hurriedly restarting the experiment, being ridiculously pedantic about filling the pipette in Diomedes' opinion (it might skew the results!).

"So, anything fun happen last night?" Odysseus asked as they sat recording the results, and calculating the concentration of the acid.

"We all swore allegiance to Menelaus and his future dog," Diomedes replied, peeking at his friend's work book to copy his calculations.

"Really?"

"Yes. With blood."

"What?"

"It was Idomeneus' idea, so of course Agamemnon went along with it. He's such a snob. Just cause Idomeneus' family is rich and posh."

"Hmm…"

"What did you get for Moles for alkali? Mine's coming out weird."

"That's because you didn't convert the units."

"You haven't looked!"

Odysseus looked, then pointed to the very much unconverted units.

"Oh."

The next week, the leak in the chapel was mysteriously fixed, and Menelaus arrived back from half term with his new pet. Everyone in the dining hall crowded round to have a look.

"Isn't she cute?" Menelaus looked like a proud mother at her daughter's first nativity play.

"What kind of dog is that?" Achilles was crying with laughter, "you didn't tell me it looked like that," he said to Patroclus, "you didn't say it looked like a-"

"Can you get me some coffee?" Patroclus pushed Achilles in the direction of the coffee machine, eyeing Agamemnon warily. Achilles didn't care what Agamemnon thought of him, but Patroclus did. His mother didn't teach at the school, and by all accounts Agamemnon was going to be pretty powerful some day. It made Patroclus depressed to think that this was the future of the country but there it was.

"And you've all sworn to protect her with your lives!" Menelaus announced.

"Oh yes, with our lives," Teucer grinned, miming shooting an arrow at an imaginary opponent.

"Yeah, I'd kill myself rather than see her in enemy hands," Ajax mimed taking a sword to the stomach and everyone laughed.

Little did they know that their oath, made in the dead of night for a bit of fun, was about to land them all in a sticky situation.

Dorset is a county in the south of England. This is set in England as that's where the original posh boarding schools are, the only place where you can meet people as self-absorbed and mentally unwell as Greek Heroes, so the perfect place for an Iliad AU.

Oxford is a fancy English university.

Henley Regatta is one of the most famous rowing event in the UK. Lots of teams come and race.