"RRRR-III-NNN-GGG!"
"I'll git it!" yells Mike in a thick Texas drawl. He picks up the phone, "Hello?"
"Hi. Who's this?" replies the voice on the other end.
"It's your brother…" The voice interrupts the Texan.
"Where's Toppy? I need to speak with Toppy."
"Toppy?" asks Mike, confused.
"Yes. Toppy. Don't play dumb with me. You married her. You ought to KNOW that her name's Toppy."
"She goes by 'Mona' 'round here."
"Alright, whatever. Just put my sister on the line, will ya?"
Mike places his hand over the receiver in an attempt to muffle the microphone and yells out for Mona.
"Who is it?" asks Mona.
"It's that rude young'un."
"I ain't rude," retorts Lizzie, but no one hears her.
"Lizzie? What's she want?"
"Beats me. She wouldn't tell me nuthin'."
Mona grabs the receiver, "Hello?"
"Hi!" replies Lizzie. "I have a favor to ask you."
"What, no 'how are you?'"
"Fine. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thanks for asking. Now, what sort of favor are you asking for?"
"Do you still have contacts through your hamburger job?"
"Yes… Why do you ask?"
"I want to meet either The Monkees or The Beatles."
"Well, the Fabs are out of the question. However, I know some people who know some other people who might be able to score a meet-and-greet with The Monkees." Mike waves his arms in protest, but Mona ignores him.
"Twitchin'!"
"But it will cost you…"
"ANYTHING!"
"You'll have to come out and visit sooner rather than later. Rumor has it that they'll be touring soon, and that will make a visit more difficult."
A few weeks later, Mona's younger sister Lizzie comes to visit her, Mike, and Susie in LA. Mona still has not told anyone in her family, including her parents, that "Mike The Monkee" and "Mona's Husband Mike" are the same person. Mike and Mona pick up Lizzie from Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). Lizzie immediately recognizes Mike from television, but wonders why he's with her sister. She tries hard to keep her mouth shut throughout the car ride, but eventually her curiosity gets the best of her. As soon as Mike gets close to the apartment complex, Lizzie starts quizzing him about the show.
"Hey Mike, aren't you the same Mike from TV?" she asks.
Mike looks at Mona like a deer caught in headlights and answers, "I have no idea what you're talkin' about."
Lizzie continues, "You know… That new TV show. The one where there's four cute guys in a band who live together…"
"Nope. Still no idea."
"Sure you do. They live in a beach house and go on crazy adventures together..."
"I still dunno what yer talkin' 'bout."
"Aw, come on. You're puttin' me on."
"Notta chance, Shotgun."
"Well, you look like the one tall guy who wears the green hat."
"Really?" Mike asks, trying hard not to sound like he's feigning surprise.
"Yeah, really. In fact, you look WAY more like TV Mike than you do that goofy looking dude my sister married."
It takes Mike every ounce of self-control not to cry out, "Hey, now hold your newt still for just a minute!" but he keeps his cool.
Sensing Mike's hurt and frustration, Mona flashes Lizzie a look. Just as Lizzie is about to continue her inquisition, "Last Train To Clarksville" comes on the radio. Mike and Mona start singing the words, "Take the last train to Clarksville and I'll meet you at the station…" Right after the song ends, they pull into the parking lot of their apartment complex.
"Aren't you going to stay for dinner, babe?" Mona asks Mike as they all clamor into the apartment.
"I was goin' to go jam with the guys. I have a groovy new tune I wanna show them."
"Okay. Cool beans," Mona replies and kisses Mike on the lips.
Lizzie reacts in disgust, "Gross. You two go get a room."
"Deal with it," retorts Mona. She kisses Mike more passionately this time.
Mike pulls away, kisses Mona on the forehead, and tells her, "I love you. I'll be by in the morning. Be ready by ten."
"I love you too, babe. We'll be ready by ten." Mona waves good-bye and lets Mike out the door.
Whenever Mona or Mike has guests over, and Susie isn't with her on-again-off-again boyfriend Johnny Ware, they give up their bedroom for their guests. Mike stays with Micky or Peter, and Mona shares a bedroom with Susie. This time, however, Susie and Ware are on their umpteenth "break," so Susie and Davy get back together. Mona gives Lizzie her and Mike's room, and Mona takes the living room futon. That morning, Lizzie gets up early and watches TV in the living room. Mona goes into her bedroom to catch a few more winks. Davy, forgetting there's a kid in the house, comes out butt naked and goes through the living room. Lizzie freaks out and shouts, "TOPPY! There's a short naked dude in the house!" Mona runs out of the bedroom to find Lizzie arguing with a naked Davy.
Davy remarks, "What's the matter, kid? Y'ain't seen a naked man before? And who the fuck is Toppy?"
Lizzie snidely replies, "That's my sister Ramona, dip-stick."
"Who's fuckin' Ramona?"
Lizzie hisses, "You mean my sister didn't tell you? Her real name is Ramona and our dad nicknamed her Toppy because of her flaming red hair."
To which Mona replies, "David, is that how you treat all girls?"
Agitated, Davy snorts, "Bloody hell, Mona... Don't be a bleedin' drag. I was just joking 'round."
Mona lowers her eyes at the naked Englishman and snarls, "Get out. NOW!"
"But what 'bout me clothes?"
"Fine. Get your clothes and get out of my house."
"Fine." Davy grabs his clothes, slams all of the doors, and storms out. In his rush to get out the door before Mona starts chasing him with a broom, Davy runs into Mike and warns him, "Don't go in there."
"Why not?" asks Mike, suspiciously.
"It's a fuckin' hornet nest in there."
Mike nods his head, unsure whether or not it's safe to enter his own home. Then he asks the Brit, "Uh, Davy, why aren't you wearin' any clothes?"
"Don't ask."
"Okay. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough."
"I'm sure you will," Davy squeaks. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get into me car and put some clothes on."
"By all means, do that. Don't let me stop you." Mike chuckles softly to himself and shakes his head at the absurdity of the situation. Davy peels out of the parking lot as soon as he finishes dressing.
Meanwhile, back inside the apartment Susie comes out of the bedroom and asks, "What the fuck was that all about and where's Davy?"
Mona replies, "I kicked that creep out of the house because he freaked out Lizzie."
"Well, damn..."
"You better keep him away from this house until Lizzie goes back home."
"Okay. But what about you and Mike?"
"SSHHH! Lizzie doesn't know about that..."
"I don't know about what?" Lizzie asks.
"NOTH-ING. You know about NOTH-ING."
"Your sister's balling Mike from the Monkees," Susie interjects, angrily.
Mona shoots Susie an icy stare.
"Hey, she found out about me and Davy, so it's only fair that she knows about you and Mike."
"She wouldn't have found out about you and Davy had he not come out of your room butt ass naked..."
"True, but I guess the cat's out of the bag now."
"EEWW! Mona, you went all the way with TV Mike?" accuses Lizzie. "Isn't he married too?"
Mona sighs, "Yes, he is. To me..."
"To you? Your goofy husband is the same dude who plays 'Mike The Monkee?'"
"Yes. He's the same guy."
"AHA! I knew it! I knew you two were lying. But why have you kept this a secret?"
"I kept the 'Monkee' part secret because of my own job on the show. This is why you must continue to keep our marriage a secret."
"What's your job got to do with it? I thought you were still flipping burgers while on skates."
"I'm an associate producer, which makes me an over-glorified ringmaster. However, the fewer people who know I'm married to a Monkee, the easier it is for me to command a little respect. Don't be a fink, okay?"
"Okay. Besides, no one at school would believe me, anyway."
"Now that that's taken care of, let's get going so we'll be ready to go when Mike gets here." No sooner than Mona utters those words, there's a knock at the door. Mona answers it.
"Mike! What are you doing here so early? You weren't supposed to be here until ten."
"Naw, I said for y'all to be ready by ten. Not that I'd be here at ten." He starts scrounging around the kitchen, looking for some breakfast.
Mona sees him spelunking and states the obvious, "I haven't even made breakfast yet."
Mike retorts, "Well, I can see that."
Mona flashes him a sarcastic look.
Mike continues, "Here, y'all get ready an' I'll whip us up some grub." He kisses Mona.
She replies, "Deal."
After breakfast, Mike, Mona, Susie, and Lizzie all pile into Mona's Buick and head to the studio. Today they're filming the episode "Monkee vs Machine." The guys aren't needed on set until noon, so Bob let Mona come in late. Mike and Susie report to Make-Up and Mona takes Lizzie into Bob's office.
"Hello, Bob! Meet my sister, Lizzie. Lizzie, this is my boss, Bob Rafelson."
"Hello, Mr. Rafelson."
"Hello, kid. Call me Bob."
"Okay, Bob." The way Lizzie says, "Okay, Bob" sounds just like Mona.
"So, Jensen..."
"Her name's Ramona..." Mona smacks her hand over Lizzie's mouth and smiles awkwardly at Bob.
"Sorry, Bob. She's a bit feisty this morning. Aren't you, Lizzie?"
A muffled "yes" comes out.
Mona screams, "OUCH! You bit me!"
"You were suffocating me!"
Bob interrupts Mona and Lizzie's sibling spat, "You two quit it. Jensen, what are you going to do with the kid?"
"I'd like to tie her up, but she may end up as a prop if I do."
"No, seriously. She can't be on the soundstage if she can't be quiet."
"I know, Bob. I was going to have her meet the guys before things get started."
"Fine. They're in make-up. We're having a meeting in an hour to discuss today's shoot. Don't be late."
"Okay, Bob."
Mona and Lizzie head over to the Make-Up Department where Susie's applying Peter's eyeliner.
Lizzie turns to Mona, "Eeww! They're wearing eye make-up?"
"Yes. Otherwise they'd look washed out on TV. The lights make everything brighter. Now come with me if you want to meet the rest of The Monkees."
"Will that Davy guy be here?"
"Uh, yeah. He's a Monkee too."
"Gross. He'd better have clothes on this time."
"I promise you, he will."
"Good."
Susie stops applying Peter's eyeliner and he greets Mona, "Hey, Mona!"
"Hey, Pete! I'd like you to meet my sister Lizzie. She's here from Connecticut."
"Groovy. Hi, Lizzie. I'm Peter and I'm also from Connecticut."
"Hi, Peter. I thought you were from Washington, DC."
"Well, I was born there but I grew up in Connecticut and that's where my family lives."
"Twitchin'."
Lizzie walks over to Micky. "Hi, I'm Lizzie, Ramona's sister." Lizzie holds out her hand. Micky shakes it.
"Hi! I'm Micky Dolenz."
"Uh, do you sing?"
"Yeah. We all do."
"Is that you on 'Last Train to Clarksville?'"
"Yes, that's me."
"AHA! Katie owes me ten bucks when I get home."
"You gamble too? I think I like you already."
Lizzie blushes. "Sometimes I do. See, I made a bet with my best friend that you sang 'Last Train.' See, she thinks it's my goofy brother-in-law... Er... Mike... who sings it."
Micky laughs. "Nope, it's not Mike. Tell her he sings 'Sweet Young Thing' and 'Papa Gene's Blues.'"
"He sings those songs?"
"Yes, indeed he does."
"Aww, shit... I just realized something. We're even now."
"Even?"
"Yeah. She bet me 10 bucks that Mona's married to 'Mike The Monkee.'"
Micky asks in a doubtful tone, "You didn't know that?"
"Nope. Not until yesterday," Lizzie continues rambling, "See, there's a wedding pic of them two near our TV and Katie recognized Mike. I thought she was crazy. I mean, if you've ever seen the pic, it don't look like the same dude at all. She's kinda hung-up for Mike. That's so weird to me."
Micky offers, "I've seen their wedding picture. He doesn't look goofy. He just looks young, that's all."
Just then, Mike stands up, looks at his watch, and then interrupts Micky and Lizzie, "Hey, I hate to bust up this party, but it's go-time."
Song Credits:
"Last Train To Clarksville" (1966). Written by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart.
"Sweet Young Thing" (1966?). Written by Michael Nesmith, Carole King and Gerry Goffin.
"Papa Gene's Blues" (1965?). Written by Michael Nesmith.
