"I wish I could say it was an accident. That it was something I couldn't control. But I know that's not the case. It rarely is."
Lucy's hand still moved across the page at a deft pace. Debating for a moment, Cobra took another step inward. He was now only five or six steps from her desk.
"The truth is I did want to know. I wasn't secretly waiting for an opening, but that didn't mean I wasn't curious. Every single day I could perceive it there when I was near you, yet I never asked because I assumed it was something you would never talk about with me. I tried to close your mind off to me so I wouldn't be tempted. When we agreed to not get into any more arguments I was ecstatic. I thought I was doing you a favor, keeping out of your private business. Instead, everything just made it harder to be around you, always on alert for a shift in the mood. I hated that. Because…" Oh Zeref, he was really in it now, wasn't he? "…because normally it's so easy to be around you that I forget who I am.
"I forget that I'm a criminal who has been to prison twice over. I forget that I helped run one of the most notorious dark guilds in the country under one of the most ruthless bastards I've ever known. I forget that I was a slave in a tower with no way of knowing one day to the next if I'd still be alive. Those days…those are for 'Cobra', and with you…I can pretend that Erik is still around. And that feels…nice." Nicer than he could fully admit. He swallowed, his monologue and nerves making his mouth go dry.
"I thought we wouldn't be able to go back to that if I made things awkward, so I pulled back my urges as much as I could. But I failed. Worse than that, I made you feel like I was toying with you like you were a plaything. Something I've done before as a dark guild member, but something I never, Lucy, never wished to do to you."
Her scratches were light now. Barely touching the page. Did this shock her? Cobra put all his concentration into his own words, instead of her mind.
"I don't say all this to earn any favors. I already made my choices. I just…you deserve to know the why of what happened." He took a few more steps–he could reach his hand out and touch her if he wanted–and put his arm inside his inner jacket pocket.
