As always, thank you for the support. I love you all, and always like to receive every feedback.
A little angst today, but hopefully Rhett is here for the rescue.
Good reading!
...
1855, Clayton County
The ray of sunshine was hot and heady, reverberating through the glass window, and Scarlett felt its burn on her hair, a reminder she could be having fun outside, and not locked inside repeating the same sentences over and over again when she knew something was terribly wrong with it.
Outside, there were works and plays. Outside it was warm just as it should, and the red clay clang to the feet. Outside, she could run and laugh, and others could laugh with her.
Everyone important was outside, so why was she there?
Her little feet tapped on the parquet, impatient, and her gaze wandered more and more towards the window, hoping to see a familiar face that would ask her to come out and play. There were Aren, Pansy, little Sam and Larry somewhere, and she was sure they were having fun when she was there, stuck in the study with her sisters and Miss Oldhag. Or Oldheart. Whatever the name. She did not like her anyway. Stupid old witch, looking at her as if she were not able to understand anything, teaching her things she had already learned and seeming to expect her to be thankful for that!
Scarlett had to be fair, though. This one was quite persistent, compared with the others, and the girl was running out of ideas. It was all so very infuriating!
"Je vôôo et j'exgouiige… " The imperious voice continued.
"Je vôôo et j'exgouiige…" The voices of the girls echoed it, Carreen docilely, Suellen proudly, and Scarlett utterly bored.
"… d'exquiised exciuses."
The bell rang, the sign of the end of the day, and the class would continue even so.
Now, that was too much.
"Of course, I want some excuses !" Scarlett snarled. "We've been doing it for an entire hour!"
The thin lips thinned even more, until a tight line was only seen, long and ugly across the cheeks. A bit like a scar, in fact. The brows furrowed, almost becoming one.
"What did you say, young girl?"
At her side, Suellen only rolled her eyes. The wicked pleasure at the idea of her oldest sister being punished and seen for what she really was had worn off, and now it was just irritating. Couldn't that girl see that she was preventing her from becoming a great lady? Scarlett was so selfish. Surely, Suellen could not understand why Mother and Mammy would insist and not let her gallivanting with the dirty children she played with. And she could not even understand why Pa said nothing. But then Pa was too gentle with Scarlett. He was blind and could not see what a heathen that girl was.
Of these thoughts, Scarlett was very aware, and for good measure, she pulled Sue's hair until she shrieked and quitted her proper and infuriatingly condescending demeanor. That would serve her right!
"Miss Scarlett!" Miss Oldheart admonished in outrage. "Come here right now! Present your excuses!"
"No!" Scarlett said stubbornly, turning to the governess with a furious stamp of the foot as she left the dark mahogany desk. "I'm leaving this class… Et c'est je veux et j'exige d'exquises excuses, vieille morue !"
The door slammed with one last sticking of the tongue and fingers raising little horns on her head. A silence followed that outburst. For a moment, it seemed the governess seemed to consider if she had been wrong in the pronunciation of the words. But then, the evident disrespect disrupted the questioning, and the bushy eyebrows furrowed angrily.
The girl barely had the time to blush, remembering the insult she had thrown at her governess, that she certainly had not heard from her august mother, but more one day she went to Savannah to meet her grandfather, that another threat arose already.
"Come here chile!" Mammy called as soon she was out of the room. "Come here, lil' minster, Ah'll whip you till you have no back!"
On her hand, there was a broom, and on her face, an angry scowl.
Oho, Scarlett thought. The old and watchful woman had listened to it all. And she was not pleased.
She ran. Over and over, her feet clinging against wood, then tiles, followed by the heavier steps of Mammy and her huffing.
Another day, she may have felt sorry for making her run so, especially when she knew Mammy could not keep up, and her breath was always short. Yet, for the moment, she had only her wrath in thought, and she continued her flight, the threat of the broom in her mind, almost grazing her if she ever weakened. She barely could see where she was going, hoping at least to escape it. A laugh came to her at such an incongruous situation, and it seemed to enrage even more her poor mammy.
"Oh, ye little divil!" She cursed.
The laughter only strengthened, until finally she was out, with the warm air of Tara, that smelled so earthy and good she wanted to cry. She almost closed her eyes at it, for finally she was free. But then she bumped into Pansy, who was so much smaller than her, and had to let go of the basket of Mother's keys and set for knitting. It let out a sharp clinging that rang to her ears, and she knew she had done wrong. She was about to apologize when another realization came to her.
Scarlett froze, meeting the brown eyes of the girl, fearful to raise even more and see who accompanied her. She bit her lips, but her gaze betrayed her, and she gasped.
"Mother…"
She felt the cold shame wash over her like a wave until she was almost drowned in it. She tried to open her mouth to breathe, but it entered her even more quickly, gathering in her throat in a large and aching lump. Her heart beat, and there was a tiny hope, that maybe, this time, Mother would realize she wanted her, and dismissed the governess to do as it was before…
Mother sighed, her weary eyes dropping.
And Scarlett ran again, feeling like a mosquito that was bothering her. Her elation was now lost, and what she had been doing fell down on her with the same gravity as the one described for the Last Judgement.
"Miss Scarlett!"
She ignored the call and continued running, ignoring the ache in her feet and legs. She continued running, and the dry clay of Tara flew around her until her skin and dress were red. Red everywhere. Red like that angry feeling she had on her chest, and that she could not let go of. So, she ran even harder, wanting to scream but without finding the voice to do so.
When she stopped, she felt empty and small, and she wanted nothing but to be held. Yet, the rows of cotton were empty now and it was dark, so dark that she realized she could not see the red in her even if she still felt it. Her mules were torn off, and she knew she must be bleeding, for the amount of hurt she felt. She kicked it off, but the pain only worsened, and she let out a gasp. She wanted to hit something, so she did. But the bark of the tree barely seemed to feel her anger, and it only hurt her even more. With a primitive urge, she climbed it, not wanting to be seen by anyone. She wanted to hide and disappear. But her treacherous heart also wanted to be found, and she tried to listen, but none seemed to come.
Pa and Rhett must have come back from their visits with the Fontaines now, and certainly, Pork must be busy with them. But Mammy… Certainly, Mammy wouldn't stop running after her?
Or maybe… Maybe she had been too far and mammy did not want her anymore either?
She could be eaten by coyotes, and no one would even look for her!
So, she cried even more.
"Oh, so that's where you were hiding…" Came a deep, drawling voice.
She jumped, regaining her composure by embracing the trunk. Rhett. Of course, Rhett always knew where to find her, or so it seemed. And it did not help that he was always silent and so liked to surprise her. In the dark, she could see his teeth shining at her, white as if it gathered all the light of the moon.
"How many governesses did you get rid of, little monkey?"
And now he was mocking her, and she could not tolerate it. So, she did the first thing that came to mind, and threw him the first fruits she could get her hand on.
He laughed even more, his forearm raised to prevent his head from getting hit.
However, soon enough, there was no fruit to grasp, and she had nothing else to do but to ponder at what he asked. Pouting, she looked away from him, trying to dismiss it. But the question still rang to her mind.
Honestly, she did not quite know. She could just tell there seemed to be an army of them, all wearing the same sober clothes and with the same disapproving face with thin lips and narrow eyes.
The first one may have been not that bad, actually pretty and gentle. Yet, Scarlett would have none of it. By the end of the day, the intruder ran from the house with the tips of her hair burned and stains of paint all over her gown.
Before, it was Mother that did the class. Mother was always so soft and calm, and when Scarlett was right, she would caress her cheek so gently that it filled the girl with a happy feeling that would stay through the day.
Needless to say, Scarlett always made sure she was right.
But Mother stopped one year and a half ago. She was a grown girl now, she had said, and Mother was so very busy. Now, Scarlett had to bear with substitutes, and she could not bear it. It did not matter now if she was right or not, if the divine presence of the one she loved most was not there to witness it. And she could not bear the disappointment in Mother's eyes, that seemed to have heightened since Rhett visited.
He was a bad influence, or so Mammy said, and Mother softly but firmly nodded when it was brought up. But Scarlett did not care. Or maybe just a little. But how could she feel guilty when Rhett was here? Rhett accepted all of her, and never asked her to change. He smiled at her, always, just like Pa, but when Pa always conceded until a certain point and always berated her by saying she should be a lady like Mother, Rhett played with her, and helped her. With him, she learned many things, not only bad things, and she could not see why Mother would not see it.
Maybe it was because of the day she slipped in to see him shoot with the Tarletons brothers, just as he would promise he would. She had to admit no good girl would do such a thing, but she was so curious about it!
Maybe it was also because she wasn't supposed to see the Tarletons anymore, after getting in many mischiefs. She had been quite discrete until then, liking the thrill of not being caught. But with Rhett, it was harder to be watchful. And she suspected Ashley might have said something before he went away back to his school.
No, it was not Mother who would not see it, she dismissed it. It was Scarlett that was too wicked.
Oh, if only she would just look at her softly, and caress her cheek like she used to! Or maybe, even better, put her arms around her! Now, she seemed always so busy and tired, and Scarlett would only get a pat on the head or the cheek when it was time to sleep.
The ten-year-old girl wanted to be angry with Rhett. In fact, she could see there had been a change when he arrived. But she could not. He had become so important to her that she could see how unjust it was. More terrible was the thought that she may lose him like she lost Mother, and that, she could not bear it.
She could not see that what had changed was how she perceived things, and not a true and significant change in the behavior of the ones that surrounded her. Her loyalties were so deeply conflicted that when she had to think of it, she quickly dismissed it, hoping for a simpler explanation.
Yet, the simpler explanation she wanted involved villains and good people. Rhett and Mother could not be the villains, and Suellen was too insignificant in her mind to be truly it.
That was so unfair! Why was she so wicked? Why in her heart, there was this feeling, as if she were lacking something? What could she do to change it? Did she have to live with such a hole in her, and not even Pa would see it?
She burst into cries and sobs, unable to bear more. Her arms gripped the trunk, and she did not care that the bark rapped her cheeks. She could not laugh at it with Rhett. Not now, when the shame was still so heavy and hard.
Rhett's gaze softened. Slowly, she felt his fingers on her arms, trying to ease her grip, and she faltered. She curled up as his arms gathered her. He whispered soothingly as he sat with her, words she could not grasp, but with a tone that was so calming she was tempted to raise her eyes.
"What is happening, little one? You're one turbulent child, indeed, but it's too much, even for you, and it's happening more and more often," He asked quietly. "What's got you in a huff?"
She let out a sob and tried to get her voice back. It was almost like pushing against rock, and it croaked through it.
"Rhett… Do you think Mother doesn't love me?"
"What?"
Her lids almost closed, gathered by the tears, and she could not see the surprise on his face.
"I ask you that because I know you will say the truth to me, not like most would say."
She felt him moving uneasily against her, and she gripped a little harder.
"Oh, dear, I think it would be better if you asked your father or mammy about it. Or…"
She lowered her eyes. Of course, she should not have asked it. Even to Rhett, that was too much. She shook her head. However, she relented.
"Pa would be hurt if I ask that, and he would not see things as I do. Mammy would only scold me, and then I would feel so ashamed of asking it… But maybe I'm a bad girl, to think that… Maybe…"
He sighed, and she knew then that he was putting a hand to his hair, messing it carelessly when it was all so properly groomed.
"Scarlett, I once told you to seek answers. I am not going to scold you for asking questions. And that is a question most, if not all, children may ask themselves, that their parents love them or not."
With a blink, Scarlett tried to focus on what he said. But how could she believe it? Could it be true other children asked themselves that, and not her alone?
"Really?"
"Really. I think your mother loves you very much," With the rest of heart that remains, he thought. He smiled at the girl. "Yet, it may be true that sometimes you go too fast and far for her, and she can't catch up."
"So, she wishes for me to be quiet?" Her brows furrowed at the thought, and he wanted to erase it. "I can't… I don't know why, I can't. I see her eyes, and it's so calm, so…"
Empty. That was the word she found, but she did not say it, for she was afraid to do so.
"… And it makes me nervous, because she looks at everything like that, and I want her to look at me. But it is not me she looks at… oh, it's so strange, and I can't make sense of it… But I must be wrong, it's me that is so stupid and bad that I can't understand her and…"
"Scarlett…"
"I love her! I love her so much! But why doesn't she love me?" She cried, her heart, thumping, hurting and bleeding, and she did not know how to stop it. "Why doesn't she love me, like I want her to love me?"
She bit her lip, trying to regain her breath, but it raised and fell with the swiftness of a boomerang, bringing her no relief.
"Rhett… do you think if I was like her, she would love me?" She persisted, her mind buzzing furiously like a bee in an empty hive. "I thought about it, thought about it really hard, and that's all I can think of… But I can't! I don't know why, I can't!"
"No, Scarlett. If you become like her, she will only see the reflection of her in you, not who you really are. You do not see it, but she loves you, as you are, in her own way, as she can. Each one of us, we have an amount of love we have to spend. And I think your mother uses what she has on everyone she has to care for."
She raised her eyes, and it widened at the revelation as she tried to count all the people that were involved in stealing her mother's attention and love from her.
"But there are so many!"
He nodded, slightly amused at her bewildered expression.
"Indeed. So, you can imagine after all of that, it can be hard at the end of the day to give all the love to you, as you would want it."
"That's true. Mother is so good for everyone," She conceded, her lower lip trembling as she did so. "Yet, I wish there was more left for me."
The girl was feeding on crumbs, Rhett thought achingly. She was so focused on it she could not see the true meal that was waiting for her, and that was a true tragedy.
"Greedy child, you are already so much loved," He said softly.
It seemed too good to be so, and maybe it was just to calm her. Yet hearing so, the lump in her throat seemed a bit lighter. She tried not to get her hopes up. However, her gaze was already up, and already so very full of it.
"Oh, really?"
He grinned at her, and it was the best thing in the world. His dark eyes were kind and soft as she met them, and she let out a soft sigh of relief. He was not judging her.
"Well, there's your father. Your people, with Pork and Mammy first. It's one great family you have there, all loving you. And, for all that matters, I do love you a great deal."
Her heart squeezed and warmed, and suddenly, it all seemed better. Rhett always knew what to say.
"It matters a great deal," She threw her arms around him without a care, her eyes closing with bliss. "I love you too, Rhett. You're family too."
"So am I, child," He said, and he knew it was true. But the fact of hearing that girl, so dear to his heart, telling him he was part of the family as well made his heart sore with such a feeling of belonging that he, the adventurer that thought himself so strong, the grown man, wanted to weep on the spot. "So am I."
