10:34 pm. 26, Friday October, 2007
There was always one thing that was certain about in this life. I had always been certain my parents would live long lives. I had always been certain that my siblings and I would never be alone. I had always been certain that I would be able to begin college after high school and start a career.
But things didn't turn out that way. But everything changed the day I met Seth Clearwater. My brother, Jarrett, best boy friend.
My name is Makayla Ialman, eldest daughter of my parents, and I was born in May of 1989. I have four younger siblings, Michael came two years after me and born in late September. A year after him, or close to his first birthday, my parents had twin babies in July, a boy and a girl, Kristen and Jarrett. My parents wanted a lot of kids and they were madly in love to tolerate it all, and then five years ago in January, they had their last baby, Serenity. Michael looks just like me, black hair and blue eyes, Kristen and Jarrett take after both of Mom and Dad being identical twins, they both have brown hair, Kristen has blue eyes and Jarrett has brown eyes. And Serenity, the baby, has black hair and brown eyes.
Since I turned 15, I was in a relationship with this boy, granted I know that it wasn't going to last long but I never expected the relationship to end the way it had. I would've never expected it in a thousand years. I dated him until a month after my 16th birthday, my 16th birthday my parents threw a party and they let me go out to a high school. I wish they hadn't. I wish they had insisted on me staying home and to enjoy family time.
My boyfriend for a year betrayed me in the worst way. He let me party, he let me get drunk and then he took it upon himself to make a move in a relationship that I wasn't ready for. And he didn't take no for an answer. He raped me, he let other boys be in the room while he raped me. I remember saying no, endlessly, crying and fighting against him. They videotaped it, and they spread it all over school. The school took it seriously and they lost to a lawsuit, the video spread everywhere, I seen it on sites myself. I have begged my parents for anything because I wanted to do online classes until I graduated, and my parents filed a lawsuit against of the participating members of the event, most of the boys had been sent off to border school or military school, and then we lost to the individual cases.
They paid off the judge, the police department, a typical small town in the upper peninsula of Michigan. Like a town in Roadhouse. Not as violent as I had hoped for at the time, expect you could put the reality within it without the disgusting romance story. Well, it's cute but this was reality, small towns that get manipulated by greedy riches, but no private jets mansions. Or I don't assume such.
And this was around the time I found out I was pregnant. The morning sickness is what gave it away first. I was miserable, absolutely miserable. It was a time in my life that I wish hadn't happened but I can't change anything and it's fucking horrible… I can't breathe most of the time, then and now, everything about me changed. It was humiliating. I wanted to be a defense attorney, I worked so hard for it and I don't how I ended up in that situation. I know they say to always be prepared for it, you hear stories from other towns or other girls in the district that you don't even know. But you never think it'd be you or know someone that has been, it's heart wrenching and it ruins all conversations and moods.
It's attention drawing. It's a constant nightmare. One thing about all of this is just wanting to be cared for without consistent questions or compassion towards the subject. It's humiliating to see the pity and disbelief in eyes, of the shock of the compassion. It is for me at least.
But on the other hand…
It made me think of what other students were harboring, were they secretly being abused in different aspects from other people I don't even know? I remember some of the looks I would give from students, boy and girl, butt these looks were different. Like they understand the pain on a different level than the rest, like they were wondering if I was wondering if they knew the pain of unspeakable abuse. It was another realization to me, it was another change. I got lucky with the parents, and I must've gotten too cocky and karma wanted to step in or maybe… it wasn't that at all. Maybe it was just evil people, evil people hidden behind pretty masks or backgrounds, maybe I was just unlucky. But that's ridiculous I was strong, I was guided, I was supported, but this consistent constrict in my chest and throat for inhalation of oxygen was daily.
I wanted to give him up to adoption when I found out, it was something that I thought I truly wanted at the time but once the baby boy was placed on my chest… I was in pure, unconditional love. That was it. He changed everything. I made a vow then to make sure he would never become anything like his DNA donor. I couldn't give him up, it was too selfish, he was just an innocent baby and he didn't do anything wrong. I made a choice to carry and I should've considered what if I changed my mind… I felt like I had a different purpose then. A wholesome one. This story I didn't want to repeat and I want to move on from it, I couldn't let what he did kill me anymore.
He was born on February 5th, 2006, at 3:08 am after 12 hours of labor, 8 pounds and 5 ounces after an emergency C-section. My hip width for delivery was too small and my baby was big, he had kept me eating 24/7 and I knew for sure that he was taking after his father's height. I naturally stand at 5'1 weighing less than 120 pounds and his father was 6'4 weighing over 200 pounds because of basketball. Mom said I almost died during the C-section and they didn't want me to leave their sight, they didn't care that I had a baby of my own now and I wanted to keep him.
I named him Liam Ialman, and I refused to put a name down for his father, immediately claiming him for myself. It wasn't like his father could claim him anyways, his parents had shipped him off to a private school after the lawsuits. Lawsuits that we lost against him but didn't lose against the school.
My parents cared about me having a baby, but they didn't care, they just wanted me home and safe. I thought they would've protested and threatened to kick me out but they didn't, they helped me unconditionally with my son, making sure I graduated even if I wouldn't let anyone help me. I graduated a year earlier, I had skipped eighth grade going right into high school after 7th grade. Their help continued as I began working to help pay for bills and keep my kid alive and clean, and then my baby's first birthday rolled around.
My parents died in a car accident coming back from the grocery store, they both died instantly from the tracker trailer collision and everything began falling apart. They left us everything in their will and deemed me as a guardian, but I was still a minor and the kids were taken from me. Even my own son.
I worked my fucking ass off to get all of the kids back, I worked my ass off until I was physically falling unconscious, not smart but you get it. I worked for five to six solid months and going through the process of adopting my siblings and reclaiming custody of my son, all of the money came in from our parents passing. And my work paid off and as soon as my kids were in the vehicle I had gotten, I got the fuck out of Michigan and even though they protested, I wasn't turning around. I know that I needed to stay for visits from the state but fuck that shit, I wasn't going to allow them to tell me I couldn't keep the kids.
So, I drove across the country until I arrived at the Olympic Peninsula, La Push, Washington. It may have been overkill but still. I found the right house and registered the kids into school. I got a job as a secretary at the police station and unfortunately it was part time but the Chief of Police, Charlie Swan, said I had room to grow into a full-time position in the upcoming months. So, I worked towards that goal. I work six hours a day for five days a week. Serenity started kindergarten, Kristen and Jarrett started sophomore year, and Michael started junior year; and Liam was thriving in a day care center the Chief of Police recommended.
Today was like any other day. I go to work for four hours and then I come home, I clean up around the house and start prepping for the evening with the animals (the kids). Jarrett has been asking me relentlessly to have one of his friends from school come over for a sleepover for the weekend, and I caved. I was cleaning to prepare for it, I also have to meet the boy's parents, and I still didn't know what I wanted to do for dinner. Meat was taken out and is defrosting but I truly didn't know what to make, maybe I should let Kristen cook tonight, she's been asking to make something she learned in her cooking club at school. Michael is supposed to be starting a part time job today after school at the only supermarket in La Push.
Today was the worst, it was the worst because I was currently having the worst period cycle with cramps that we're making me dizzy. I popped some pain meds before I headed out the door to pick up the animals.
The Olympic Peninsula of Washington State was in a constant cloud cover yearly, the temperature in the summer never raises above 78 and the winter months were brutal but I don't think they were any worse than Michigan. I know the kids didn't want to move states but no one wanted to go back into our family house, so I sold it and dipped out. The mortgage would've been easy to pay with the job I had and we wouldn't kind of struggling right now, only because everyone eats like we can afford five meals a day. But their fed, their clothed, their safe. That's all that matters. And I was going to do everything I can I make sure they're not taken from me again, Serenity won't speak about the house she went to, Michael had been put in a shelter home with dozens of other boys, Kristen and Jarrett were placed together and Jarrett and Kristen, all of them were different.
Jarrett's anger is through the roof and he throws fits, he mostly breaks things and throws things, Kristen won't go anywhere without him. I won't speak on what she went through. Michael, is quiet, quiet as a mouse, he use to talk consistently and exuberantly, now he's stoic and silent; earbuds in and I can always hear the distinct drums and guitar of Metallica. Serenity has fits sometimes but she… her fits are different; most of the time she's the little light of the group and optimistic, but she sleeps in my room most nights.
"Laylay!" Serenity squeals my nickname because she couldn't say Makayla, she started calling me Laylay.
Her black hair is curly, and down to her waist, and chaotic in the wind and in her run, she's holding a large piece of blue construction paper in her right hand and her face is bright. Putting the sun to shame. She's such a precious little girl, I would overkill someone if they touch her.
"Hey, Nity!" I meet her halfway walking, she giggles as she hugs me head on. "How was your day?" I asked smoothing out her hair.
She steps back, pushing curling locks out of her face, her doe brown eyes turned up to me, she smiles with two gaps in her teeth in different places.
"Good!" She answers, "I made you something in art class."
Serenity holds up her blue construction paper, there's stickers of animals and cutesy characters, cut out pieces from magazines and her hand writing in paint. My heart swelled with warmth, and uncontrollable grin breaking out across my face.
"Oh my! You made this for me?"
"Yes," She says giggling behind the paper.
"I love it, sweetheart. Thank you." I took it from her tiny fingers and she grinned up at me, she took my hand and I lead her back to the van.
"You're welcome," She bounces on her feet as we walk to the van. "You deserve it, Laylay."
After getting her settled, I drove the short distance to the high school, I parked and I got out of the vehicle to wait for the others. A familiar car parked next to the car to my left in the other available spot for parent/guardian pick up. I turned my head to the driver door opening and familiar face smile at me.
"Hey, Makayla." Sue Clearwater, she owns the day care center in Forks the one I take Liam too, smiles wider and waves.
I smiled waved back, "Hi, Sue." I wondered why she was here and it didn't click until her next reply, "You have a high school student?"
"Yeah. Seth Clearwater, he's supposed to be spending the weekend at Jarrett Ialman's house." She says with a knowing smile.
I snorted a snicker, "What a coincidence."
"It seems the boys decided to play a little game on names."
"Same here. I think Jarrett was trying to wiggle his way into getting a girl to sleepover."
Sue chuckles, heartily, "I thought the same about Seth until he told me this morning. And I didn't realize until you left the center."
"It just clicked for me." I chuckled. "Everything's been chaotic lately."
She sighs with agreement, "It's Holiday season again."
I snorted a laugh, "It's going to be like senior year during hell week."
"College senior year hell week."
I laughed again, "What are your plans for the holidays?"
She shrugs, "We don't celebrate Thanksgiving, we usually have a tribal get-together. Seth and I were gonna go to Seattle to spend Christmas and New Years with his sister. What about you?"
I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving the way the rest of the United States did, a get-together sounded like the best way to put it. Every year our parents made us write essays of the history of the day and/or native American tribes during that era. They were big on things like that, to always remember history and learn the lesson in it, they did the same with Christmas too, and a lot of the other holidays. The fourth of July was always a big one and they demanded longer essays before setting off fireworks for honor of the victims in history. A lot of this came from my father, his parents immigrated to the States when he was around 13 from Japan, so you can kind of see where I'm getting with this. He was big on honor, truth, and justice, my mother supported it and she valued respect, modesty, and compassion, they worked together like a 3-thousand-piece puzzle.
I missed them so much.
"My parents used to do the same kind of thing for Thanksgiving. We would all have to write essays on the history of the day and they could never be the same topic as the year before. They used to do the same for Christmas, we'll most likely be here for both. Then we have a honorary dinner for the mention topics of people and/or events that occurred that were victims. And what not, they had a better way of explaining than I do."
"No, it's okay," She smiles widely, it's a genuine sincere smile of reassurance and emotions I didn't process until her next reply. "That is beautiful. That gives a lot of guidance for truth, honor and justice."
I smiled, feeling my heart stuttered in a way that made me want to cry. Oh, these once-a-month hormones are making overdramatic today.
"He stood by those three standards. Always speak the truth, honor those even if they don't honor, and justice always finds a way to the light."
"Where did he grow up?" Sue asks genuinely curious, she leans against her side. back bummer
"Japan."
"Beautiful culture." Her smile was so bright.
It was also very contagious, I smiled back, "Yes, it is… What are you doing for Halloween?" I'm curious, and I have to get along with her but it's also very easy. It's been easy to talk with Sue, it's strange but it's very light and nowhere near superficial as others have felt since being here.
Sue shrugs again, thoughtful, "I was planning on staying open late that night, throw the kids a little party, if I have any that night. Seth said something about maybe going to this party a kid is throwing for Halloween. He wanted to take Jarrett with him. It's supposed to be a conjoined party of kids and adults."
I hummed, intrigued, "That's sounds kind of fun. I could take them and pick them up if you were deciding to let him go, after we see how this weekend goes if you're comfortable."
She considered it for a moment, "I think that's a good idea. What do you have planned that night?"
"I was going to drive the kids around to trick or treat." I shrugged, "I could do it. Maybe I can drop Serenity and Liam off for a little while."
The bell ran from the inside the high school building interrupting our conversation. Halloween was going to be a busy night, bringing in Liam and Serenity for a little while would put some money in Sue's pocket. As a mother to a mother, if she decided to stay open. I can't believe Jarrett didn't tell me he knew Sue's son, I felt like I've been cheated on. Michael came out first with his earbuds in and his hands stuffed into his jacket as he walked with his head down towards the van, he didn't say anything as usual as he got into the front passenger seat and started scrolling on his iPod. Kristen came out of the school hand locked with a boy that was definitely over the height of 6'4, there was a boy even taller than him behind him and then a shorter but burly boy with them. Jarrett came out last with his friend that was over 6 feet tall, I narrowed my eyes at Kristen and the boy who was looking at her like she was his entire world and gravity.
The boys behind Kristen and the her assumed boyfriend went off into a different direction in the parking lot, I looked back at Kristen. Kristen met my eyes and her face dropped and she quickly removed her hand from the boys and walked up to me quickly and hugged me.
"Hey, Kay," She greets, nervously.
"Hey, Kris." I greeted back and she pulled away.
She looked up at the boy who magnetized towards her, she looks back at me sheepishly nervous, "Makayla, I want you to meet someone." She looked up at the boy who stood so tall I had to crane my head back all the way to look at his face. He's a cute boy and was definitely Kristen's type, "This is my boyfriend, Embryo Call. Embryo, this my sister Makayla."
We've been here for a solid month and she already has a boyfriend? Her first boyfriend? This concerned me, hiking up my maternal instincts.
"Hi, Makayla, it's nice to meet you." Embry introduces himself with a polite smile and outstretched his hand for a handshake.
Ah, he has manners. He gets some brownie points. I reached out my hand and shook his hand as I smiled back and replied, "Hi, Embry, it's nice to meet you." I looked over at Kristen who gave me apologetic eyes while pushing hair behind her ear. "I've heard a lot about you." That was a lie, I didn't and I was surprised Kristen didn't say anything.
She wanted something, it came to me out of mother's intuition.
"So have I, about you. Kristen talks about you and Liam, constantly."
It was definitely a hint on her part, like a warning to him.
"Kayla, Kristen wants Embry to spend the night," Jarrett sing songs as a tattle standing a couple feet away, smirking.
I should've known. I scrutinized Embry heavily before looking between Jarrett and Kristen.
"Jarrett," Kristen groaned in annoyance and glared at her twin, "Really? I was getting there."
"You were taking too long."
"I'll sho—" I cut off Kristen's sibling threat.
"Alright, alright, enough. We'll talk about it when we get home, Kristen." I said, she looked up at Embry, and I looked over at Jarrett, "Keep it up and Seth won't come over this weekend."
"What'd I do?" He asked in fake innocence.
I gave him a look, he exhaled a huff and crossed his arms with a scowl. Then that was the moment Sue walked over with her son and our eyes locked immediately. I didn't know what it was or what caused it but my mind consumed with thoughts about this young boy, feeling like something connected us together immediately. Intensely.
"So," Sue says, I felt my body jolt and he blinked rapidly looking down at his mother, I met her eyes. Her eyebrows were furrowed but her eyes were reserved, "Makayla and I already know each other. Her son is one of my kids at the center."
Kristen snorted a snicker, "What a coincidence."
I looked over at her, "I said the same thing." I turned to the driver door window rolling down and then Michael spoke.
"Makayla, I'm going to be late," He informs, "its 30 to 4."
"I'll pick you before dinner on Sunday, okay?" I turned back to Sue who was looking up at her son, he nodded wrapping his hands around the straps of his backpack. She looked at me, "Is that okay?"
"That's fine. We should be home all weekend." I replied.
"Okay, sounds good. I have to get back to the center."
I looked over at Kristen standing close to Embry and murmuring to him, I turned back to the van and slid open the door. Serenity giggled and waved at everyone shyly strapped in her car seat, she held onto her project for me.
"Hi, Sue!" she greets excitedly seeing the older woman.
"Hi, sweetheart! Are you coming over?" Sue asks.
Serenity looks at me with bright hopeful eyes, "Can I?"
I glanced over at Sue who spoke up again, "I can take her now and I can drop off them off after I close up." She suggests.
I didn't know where this suggestion came from but I couldn't say no to serenity and her puppy eyes.
"I think that'll be just fine."
Serenity squealed and I helped her get out of the van and Kristen climbed in after her.
"Be good, Nity," I called after her talking to Sue enthusiastically and taking her hand.
"I will!"
"Makayla," Michael urges from the passenger seat.
"Michael," I said opening my driver door as Seth and Jarrett pile into the van and Jarrett slides the door shut.
"I don't know what to wear," Michael pulls his earbuds from his ears.
I started the ignition, "Black pants and that solid grey tee. And your sneakers."
Michael sighs, "Do I really have to work?"
"We need the money, Michael. I wouldn't have you working if it wasn't necessary."
"So, no more free weekends?"
"Welcome to adulthood."
"Why do you get weekends off?"
"I have five kids to raise, it's different."
He sighed, "Can we go to the movies tomorrow?"
I glanced over at him, "How are we getting there?"
Michael furrowed his eyebrows at me, he gestures to the van.
"The vans not going to make it to Port Angeles. We don't have the money for the movies. I barely have money to pay Sue for today."
Michael sighs again, but he doesn't say anything else but turns on the stereo.
"Makayla," Kristen says from the middle row, Jarrett and Seth were listening quietly.
"Yes, Kristen," I said turning onto the main road, I thought she was going to ask about Embry again.
"What's for dinner?" Kristen asked.
I snorted, "I don't even know. You want to cook?"
"Can I?"
"Please."
"Awesome! Can Em?—"
"When we get to the house, we'll talk, Kristen."
Jarrett ohs quietly, I hear Kristen smack him.
"Kristen. One more, Jarrett. What is with you two today?"
It went silent. Until Michael spoke up, "They've been like this all day. I think Jarrett's jealous of Embry."
"I am not!"
"You almost popped a blood vessel at lunch." Michael twists in his seat, retorting.
"Shut up, Michael!"
"Ah! It makes so much sense." Kristen teased, "Don't worry Jarrett you're still my number one."
"Shut up, I'm not jealous."
"Yeah right!" Michael cackled.
I glanced in the rearview mirror feeling eyes on me, I locked eye with Seth before he looked away, nervous and bashful. Kristen, Jarrett and Michael were bickering and tormenting each other and Seth observed. I looked back out the window shield, I started chewing on the skin around my fingernails thinking about Kristen and Embry. The way they were, the way they just gravitated towards each other, it was scaring the hell out of me. The mother in me was worried along with the older sister, granted I know Kristen can take care of herself, but she's in that teenage danger zone and it was scaring me. Michael and Jarrett were at that age too but I wasn't too worried about them like I was with the girls. Maybe it was my personal projection and trauma, I will kill that boy if she ever comes home crying.
I fretted with worry over Kristen's new chapter in her life for the rest of the trip, chewing off layers of skin, by the time I parked in the driveway and was waiting for Michael to come back out dressed for work, I was chewing off the new growth of my nails. And my cramps were coming back full force, I bent one of my legs up, pulling off my shoe and rested my foot on the seat, leaning back in the chair and tried to relax so my body wouldn't increase pain from my mental acknowledgment.
"Kay," Kristen calls from the middle row.
I opened my eyes turning my head to the rearview mirror, all of them were looking back at me, "Hm?"
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure? You look pale." Kristen leans in between the driver seat and passenger seat.
"Cramps," I murmured, Kristen hums in acknowledgment.
Michael opens the passenger door and she goes back to her seat. Once he was settled he glanced over at me.
"Ready?"
"Yeah," he says a bit nervous.
I restarted the ignition, "Let's boogie."
"Can I play music?"
"Oh God, angry metal music." Jarrett groans from the back.
"Shut up." Michael snaps.
"Ignore him," I said to Michael.
"I'm going to shoot myself if you play Def Leppard again."
"Haha, jokes on you. I was going for KISS."
"Even wor—" Jarrett was cut off by Michael playing his music.
And then KISS started playing, I jumped in my seat at the abrupt electric guitar through the speakers, my hand snapped towards the volume dial and turned it down a bit to where Michael wouldn't protest for being too quiet. I glanced at Michael as I reserved out of the driveway. Michael and the lead singer started singing the beginning verse into the chorus of 'I Was Made For Loving You'. Once he was dropped off, I changed the song before pulling out of the tiny dirt parking lot, I caught Seth staring at me again as I checked my mirrors.
7 Days by Craig David started playing and I turned it up, Kristen climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up. I remember when their song came out when I was 11, I listened to this song all through middle school and my first year of high school. I sang along to the song and Kristen joined in and I could hear Jarrett groaning and Seth's chuckles in the back as I drove home.
I sent the boys inside before Kristen and myself, I asked her about Embry and their relationship, she was annoyed but she answered me. I know that she would rather talk about this with Mom but… whether any of us liked it, I was mom now. But I still didn't force her to tell me, I wanted her to know she could come to when she felt comfortable enough to talk about it. And I just needed a bit of clarity over this new chapter in her life, this is a brand-new thing for her and this is brand new for me to help her through. This is new to me, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with these kids, my parents always knew and I was slowly losing my mind trying to figure out the best and safest path to keep truth in tact also with keeping our relationship in tact. I feared I was losing these kids because of what we went through, I feared that they were mad at me for letting the state take them.
I was 17 and just as much as kid legally. She answered me though, she told me that he came up to her on her first day and asked her out before he even knew her name. He just knew he wanted her and she blushes as she explains how much of a friend and boyfriend he was, like the balance was sending of fireworks in her chest. The way she spoke about him, like she had found 'the one'. At first, I thought she was just boy crazy but then I caved to let him come over a couple of hours.
Kristen cooked dinner as she talked with Embry who helped her, Jarrett came Seth were Jarrett's room and I can hear their competitive yelling from her. I really wanted irritate Jarrett for his attention because Michael wasn't here and I was hormonal and I was alone. But I decided against it, I would wait until Serenity and Liam came back home, Liam were be attached to me once he seen me anyways. I laid down on the couch curled up in a plush quilt I bought for the room, I zoned for a while, staring at the ceiling listening to the voices around the house but never processing them fully. Unless it was Seth's … it… was weird, I was pretty sure I could hear kissing in the kitchen but I was unconsciously listening hard for Seth's voice.
Why? Why was I listening for him? What was that? I thought about the moment he met my eyes, what was that? I felt it. I don't know how to explain it but I felt it now and I was trying my hardest not to go in the room and observe the boys. I did, eventually, I ruled out my suspicions on the natural curiosity to know who my brother decided to invite into his life.
This is the first time Jarrett has ever decided to invite a friend over, I assumed that Seth was the friend Jarrett had been looking for because it was obvious. Jarrett has always been very private and his only friend has always been Kristen. I wrapped myself in the quilt and checked on the two in the kitchen, they were at a safe distance and talking as they watched the stove. I climbed the staircase to the second level and walked into Jarrett's room with the door wide open, the boys were playing one of Jarrett's many video games. I laid down on Jarrett's bed with Jarrett on the bed and Seth in his desk chair as they stared the TV on Jarrett's dresser.
I closed my eyes and curled up on side facing Jarrett as cramps waged war, their competitive banter went mute to my ears as I focused on my lungs expending and constricting as I breathed. Seth's voice was clearer and just with his voice I fell asleep there. Jarrett woke me up when Michael called to be picked up and dinner was done. I wondered over how I fell asleep in Jarrett's room the whole drive to Michael and back home. I got back home with Michael and Serenity and Liam were being dropped off by Sue, the trio had kept me entertained the rest of the night until bedtime to ponder over Seth Clearwater again.
But now I'm here and I can't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I couldn't believe the way I was feeling, like I wished I could be glued to his side. I don't know how to feel about this. I don't even know what this is to even contemplate how to feel.
But I knew for some odd reason that eventually one day he was going to be everything to me.
