Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer
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Where the Lines Overlap
All We Know
~~ Edward ~~
When I caught myself
It was the end of the spring.
I had just turned sixteen and Jasper still had to wait a few months to reach my age. We were as always… the best buddies we'd ever been.
I'd always had this deep concern and cared for him a lot so, at least till then, I couldn't have told the difference, I couldn't see it happening. Of course, I knew that what I constantly felt around Alice and for her wasn't normal, but I never thought it could have been what it turned out to be.
That day Jasper and I were at the lake as usual. After we found the place in one of our exploratory expeditions it became our spot. We were simply hanging out as we did every day, and I was feeling okay, nothing different.
Until he opened his mouth.
"I'm finally gonna do it." He said, confident and serious.
I knew what he was talking about, there was no surprise there. The feeling that followed his statement, the flood of weird icy sensation inside my chest and stomach, was also well known by me by then since I'd been feeling it for months at that point, especially whenever he brought that subject up.
I looked at his profile, at his angelic face turned away from me, focused on some random spot ahead, and my stomach flipped oddly.
"Are you sure?" My voice trembled, even with my efforts to hide the disturbing confusion that was taking me.
Jasper looked at me with a smile on his face. A wicked smile that I knew pretty well.
My stomach churned.
"She wants it, man…" He said it like it was so great news. "She asked to sleep at my house tonight. Her parents are in Tacoma..."
"And your parents are with Rosalie in your grandmother's house for the weekend.…" I completed, holding back the sudden anger that arose inside me. "You arranged this." It wasn't a question. I knew his answer from the glint in his eyes.
Jasper simply raised his brows and shrugged. And his confirmation made me feel so weird I couldn't think of anything else to say.
I tried to convince myself that I was only worried about my best friend. After all, I knew the bitch Alice was. And I knew how into her Jasper was.
I breathed deeply and bit the inside of my cheek. Thinking about that also made me feel strange.
But the truth was, I knew, deep down inside, that it wasn't just worry. Something else was going on with me, I wasn't simply trying to protect my best friend as I had always done, there was something more, but I just couldn't pinpoint it.
"So, any tips?" He asked, totally oblivious to my distress.
I looked deep into his eyes, his striking green eyes that I'd always admired so much, hoping he could see through me and understand my concern without my needing to be blunt.
"Maybe… choose another girl." It came out like a question.
Jasper simply laughed, and the sound made strange things to my body as lately.
"I don't understand why you hate her so much." He said in a light tone. "If I didn't know better I would think you're into her."
"Eww!" I frowned. It was my automatic reaction to Alice. "Not even if she was the last girl on earth."
"What's your problem with her?" His voice didn't have any accusation or suspicion, he was actually amused.
"Besides the fact that she's just too much?" I stated the obvious. "I've never known anybody so small and, still, so annoying! She's loud and pretentious. She thinks the world revolves around her. And she treats you like… you're her puppy." I shrugged. "I don't know how you put up with her."
"You're just jealous." He said laughing. "She's the first person that made me spend less time with you."
Okay, he had a point.
"This is another factor." I agreed unfazed. "I've never changed priorities when I was dating. Our friendship always comes first. At least for me. But this is me and I understand you wanting to be with her all the time since she's your first real girlfriend and you're so into her…" My voice was sounding sarcastic on purpose by the end.
"Oh, c'mon, E! Have you forgotten Angela? We used to spend days without seeing each other because you were too busy with her."
Angela had been my second girlfriend and the only girl I had ever fallen in love with so far.
"It was the honeymoon phase and it lasted two weeks. I balanced the time between you two soon after that night visit of yours, remember?" My tone was a little funnier now. "You cannot have forgotten your jealousy attack, don't be such a hypocrite."
He was laughing before I even finished talking.
"I'm not denying anything, I was jealous." He stated naturally between laughs. "I just want you to admit you're feeling it now. You're jealous."
"Fine." I mumbled, clearly upset. "But you have to admit that she's too loud."
"Okay, I'll give you that. She is loud." He was still smiling. "But she's also hot and beautiful, she's the best kiss I've ever had and she wants to have sex with me."
I pretended that everything he'd just described didn't affect me weirdly.
"And you're desperate to lose your virginity." I said while rolling my eyes. "Sex is overrated. You shouldn't be so eager to have it. It's not all that."
"I thought you didn't like sex with Kate." He frowned. "You told me with Angela it was pretty good."
"Eh... It was good, but it wasn't amazing like everybody says." I shrugged. "I don't know, Jazz, I don't see what the fuss is all about. With Kate it was horrible, I could barely finish every time we did it and I felt nothing with her. It was so… mechanic. With Angela… it still didn't feel like something so mind-blowing, but it was different, nice… ish. I guess it was because there were feelings involved." I shrugged again.
"There are feelings involved between me and Alice." He stated with certainty, and it made my chest constrict strangely. "You know how I feel about her." His cheeks blushed.
Holy fuck, he really was infatuated with the demon pixie. And I hated it so much I could vomit. I couldn't comprehend why the fact that he was emotionally involved with someone for the first time made me feel so uncomfortable. I was supposed to be happy for him.
I wasn't, though. But he was my best friend, and I wanted him to be happy, so I swallowed my discomfort and tried to be what I essentially was… Jasper's best friend.
"Just be yourself." I spoke controlling the distaste. "And try to be kind. She's a girl…" From hell! "So, she's delicate." Like a Tasmanian demon. "You're supposed to be patient and caring. Maybe it's better if you follow her lead, then you won't do anything she doesn't want you to. Oh, and don't worry about the premature ejaculation…" I said in a mocking tone. He looked at me with fear in his eyes. "It's pretty normal the first two or three times, they say…"
"Did it happen to you?" He asked abruptly, clearly terrified. I held off the urge to burst into loud laughs.
"I didn't cum the first five times…" I shrugged once more. " It was difficult for me to even keep my hard-on with Kate, you know that. How could I have ejaculated prematurely?"
"But with Angela?" He seemed a little desperate.
"Nah…" I shook my head. "Never happened. It was easy to control. I think because I'd already had some experience."
"Maybe it won't happen to me." His voice sounded questioning and he was clearly insecure.
I couldn't hold off anymore, I laughed. I knew him well.
"You're always horny, Jazz. All you think about is sex, I doubt you'll last more than two minutes." I was still laughing, despite the anxiety that was trying to eat me alive.
He punched me playfully on the shoulder and laughed a little. Then his face became serious, and his eyes were a little downcast.
"Seriously, I really want it to be perfect, E." He said with solemnity, what caused another pinch inside my chest. "She's already experienced, so I need to be good. I want her to… enjoy it, more than she did with James."
I gritted my teeth, preventing the truth from coming out.
James, who supposedly was her ex-boyfriend but actually was her secret lover, wasn't the only one she was screwing with, that whore. But I couldn't tell him. If I did, it would tear his heart out and I couldn't hurt him.
You see, Jasper seemed confident and self-sufficient in the eyes of others. He was popular and had always had a long string of girls waiting for their turn with him. He had never disappointed them, he had made out with most of the female population of our grade plus a considerable amount of the junior and senior girls of our school. But truly that was just hormone drive. The Jasper I knew was far from the manwhore everybody else knew, and his heart was pure and easily hurt, so of course I was choosing to hurt myself instead.
I was keeping that secret and letting him be deceived, risking his trust in me and our friendship, but I was doing it to protect him.
It was causing me a heavy pain that kept increasing at an uncontrollable pace with each proof of his undeniable infatuation with the slut. But, rather me than him.
"Just be yourself." I repeated, masking the alien agony I felt. "Let your feelings for her guide you."
He nodded without looking at me, his face stern. I exhaled as silently as I could, trying to put some of the torment I felt out of my system.
We hang out for two more hours, talking about other things. But I couldn't push away the growing affliction that was spreading through me like wildfire. By the time we were saying goodbye in front of his house, my heart was so small I thought I would have a cardiac arrest or something. I'm not sure if he noticed anything, but I tried hard not to show.
I arrived home, took a shower, got dressed, laid down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling.
Why am I feeling this way? It was the first question that popped into my mind. Why am I so distraught with it?
I started to mull over the possibilities. And when I couldn't decide what was more likely to be the reason for my disturbance, I started questioning myself about my attitude.
Okay, I don't want Jasper to get hurt. This is the basic reason. This is why I don't want him to be with that tramp. I reasoned. Why am I allowing her to have him? I shouldn't. I should tell him everything. He shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love him. I should protect him, this is my job.
I sat, feeling abruptly determined.
I can't be silent anymore. He has to know that she fools around with every guy who so much as looks her way. He can't give her his innocence, she can't be the first, she doesn't deserve him.
I felt like a force was using me, driving me to prevent Alice from taking Jasper's virginity. All of a sudden it became more than a force, it was like… a compulsion and I knew I needed to run. That couldn't happen. She couldn't be the one who would forever hold his first memories of intimacy. She didn't deserve to be that person.
The last thing I knew, I was hurrying down the stairs and running out of the house like a madman.
When I arrived there, I went straight to the back door and made my way to his bedroom. He wasn't there but I could hear the shower running, so I sat on the bed intending to wait.
And then I heard her.
"Jazzy! I'm here little pumpkin!" she shrieked from wherever she was, causing me chills.
Damn, she was so loud!
My automatic and so stupid reaction was to run and hide. Without thinking, I hurried up to Jasper's closet and closed the door. A terrible, terrible move since he was in the shower and would need to take clothes to put on but, it was too late once I realized that.
Well, I'll take my chances. I thought, trying to calm down. He comes, and I spill everything. Let's see how this little whore is going to get out of it.
My heart was pounding like crazy in my chest. I could hear it loud in my ears. I was nervous, and I thought it was because I was gonna hurt my best friend.
I had no idea of what was coming next…
Jasper's bed stood exactly in front of his walk-in closet. Even though it was more spacious than mine, it was still small, which meant I didn't have much where to go. And it had a louvered door, which meant I could see everything through the gaps between the clapboards, while they couldn't see me unless someone opened the door.
I should have known that hiding there was the worst thing I could have done.
I saw Alice entering the room, and she was wearing the tightest dress I'd ever seen in my life.
"Jazzy, pumpkin pie, are you in the shower?" She asked once she put her bag near his bed.
I clenched my hands in reaction to her annoying voice. Oh, I hated her so much!
I started to breathe heavily and to pray for Jasper to come out of the bathroom and come straight to the closet as fast as he could. I was getting more nervous, being trapped and hearing the tramp's voice and all.
Unfortunately, my luck was anywhere but with me…
Jasper did come out of his bathroom soon enough, but he never reached the closet. And to my despair, I saw the whole thing.
"Hey, candy…" He said as he passed through the bathroom door and saw her, who went straight to him. "You arrived earlier."
"The sooner, the better." She said before ripping his towel out of his hips.
They started to kiss immediately, and I turned my back to the damn door that allowed me to see what was happening.
"I want you so much pumpkin pie…" I heard Alice's whining voice. "And you're so ready for me…"
I felt like I could throw up, so my hands flew to my mouth.
"I want you too, candy…" Jasper's voice was different, graver, intense. "Too damn much, it almost hurts."
I tried to cover my ears because his voice, this alien voice that I'd never heard before, instantaneously raised something really painful inside me, but as soon as I took my hands away from my lips my stomach churned strongly and I dry-heaved. So I covered my mouth again, bending over myself and trying hard not to listen.
But it was impossible. Their kisses and hummings and moans were getting louder with each passing second.
Oh, my God, I need to get out of here! I screamed in my mind, feeling the despair growing. I can't stay here!
"Oh, fuck, Allie…" Jasper groaned, and my whole body was prickling with goosebumps. "You're mouth is… Holy shit…"
Definitely! Holy shit! This is a fucking holy shit situation with capital letters! What the fuck! What am I doing here?!
"Oh, Jazzy… I like your cock so much…" Alice whined, and I squeezed my eyes shut. "I want you inside me. I want it now." With that, I was dry-heaving again.
I was trapped. I couldn't get out or they would know I was there… and how embarrassing would that be? But I couldn't listen to that anymore, it was not only causing me nausea… I was disturbed to the point of wanting to bash my head on the wall just to pass out and miss the free show.
And then it dawned on me that I was too troublous for something that wasn't that bad…
Sure, hearing someone having sex was beyond uncomfortable. Hearing my best friend having sex for the first time with the demon pixie would be a lot worse but… I shouldn't have been so distraught. Not that much.
So I tried to reason with myself. I tried to calm down. It wouldn't take long, for sure. They would do it, then they would probably go to the bathroom to take a shower before starting all over again.
This thought provoked another round of gagging, and I asked myself what was wrong with me.
I breathed deeply and slowly and decided to wait. The sounds outside the tiny space I was imprisoned in continued. I sat on the carpeted floor near the door, trying not to look through the clapboards, trying to ignore the sickening noise, trying to make the feelings that were confusing me go away.
And I tried.
And kept trying.
And I insisted a little more…
But it wasn't working.
I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but I was impossibly restless, feeling like I had been there for centuries.
Then Jasper's voice caught my attention back to them.
"Alice…" He moaned a little louder "I… I…"
My heart started to pound really fast in my chest, without any apparent reason, simply reacting to the tone he was using with her. And I didn't know what made me do what I did next, because I was definitely not in the mood to peek, especially not that, but I kneeled… I kneeled and I looked through the clapboards, focusing my whole attention on him.
He was sitting on his bed with Alice on his lap. His face was turned in the closet's direction but I knew he couldn't see me. Besides, he was looking intently at her.
I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. The way he was looking at her… it was…
Yes, I'd noticed before that his gaze was caring and full of longing for her… I knew well how involved he was, but that… that was different. That was so much more…
He was in love with her. And it hurt so much to see it that there was no way I would keep fooling myself.
"I love you." He said to her, and I could see it clearly in his eyes, even in the distance, even through gaps in the wooden door…
It was written in his whole face, in the way his voice trembled and he was holding her, in the way he was moving with her…
And it made me want to die.
No… This was supposed to be… For me.
Like a huge wave, unexpected and devastating, the thought consumed me.
And that was it. That was exactly when it all hit me.
The everlasting need of his presence. The deep longing and worry and caring. The way his smiles made me uneasy but joyful. The way his green eyes and his intense gaze affected me. The way I tried so hard to be flawless in his eyes. The way my mind was always populated with thoughts of him. The way I noticed everything about him. The way I would always compare everybody to him. The hate I felt towards Alice.
The jealousy… The fear of losing him…
I'd been in love before. At least, I thought I had, with Angela…
But these feelings I suddenly comprehended I had for Jasper were way stronger...
The truth that I had been hiding from myself, unconsciously denying for so long, struck me like a lightning bolt, unsparing, ruthless, like a violent punch in the guts.
I'm in love with him. I love him.
My hands were covering my mouth in no time.
Oh, my God! I didn't want him to be with her because I want him to be with… me! Oh my God! OH MY GOD! I'm in love with Jasper?! But… he's a… he's a boy! And he's my best friend, and he's a boy, how can I…?
At this point I was already back on the floor, still on my knees but with both my hands covering my face as I rocked my body back and forth, desperate and confused. But that wasn't the worst part of it.
My whole body hurt like hell… I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't bear the pain that was eating me up and it was not because I understood that I was in love with a boy…
What was hurting me badly was… I was in love with Jasper… but he loved Alice, not me. He would never love me that way.
It hurt so much… so, so much… I wanted to scream… I needed to roar. But I couldn't.
Outside my teeny prison, Jasper roared Alice's name, in unison with her screams of his pet name.
I sat. I bent my knees and pulled them towards my chest. I put my head between them and hug my legs. And I cried like I had never done before.
I don't know for how long I was there. I don't know how loud I was crying. I know they didn't hear me because they never opened the door.
And soon the room was quiet.
I looked through the clapboards, feeling broken, devastated. They were nowhere to be seen, so I rose from the floor slowly, opened the closet door as silently as I could, and headed for the bedroom door.
I wasn't sure of where they were but I didn't care. And I was careful only until I reached the back door. As soon as my feet were on the grass of the Hale's backyard, I was running.
I ran. I cried. I ran and cried, and ran crying until I was in my backyard, stumbling through the four steps that would take me to the kitchen's outer door. But I never entered my house. I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to climb not even one more step.
So I sat on the porch's wooden step, bent my upper body over my bent legs, and surrendered.
The hurt was crushing me and I wept like a baby. I was sobbing so intensely that I never noticed him approaching and sitting by my side, calling my name, until he hugged me strongly and started to rock my body with his.
I snuggled closer to my father's body and allowed myself to sink deeper in the pain as he encouraged me to "let it all out" with soothing murmurs.
And for endless minutes or hours, I just cried.
I cried because I knew… I simply knew that what I was feeling would never fade.
I didn't know how I knew it, after all, I was only sixteen, what did I know about life? But I could feel it was like a part of me, like a piece of my soul, like the air I was so hardly breathing.
"I love him, Dad…" I blurted out in a heavy sob. "I love him so much it hurts. It hurts. I can't take it… it's hurting too damn much…" And I sobbed more.
My dad didn't say anything, he just kept rocking me. So I went on.
"I didn't know… I've never thought I could feel this… I could feel this way for a… boy… I… Why is this happening to me? Why him? Why do I love him?" And more sobs bubbled up. "I must be crazy, there must be something wrong with me…"
That sentence made him react.
My father took me by the arms and made me look at him, shaking me a little. His face was stern, but his eyes were as loving as always.
"There's nothing wrong with you." He said in a firm tone. "I'm not sure if I'm understanding correctly what's happening, what you've found out, but there is nothing wrong with you, do you understand?"
I nodded, still very distressed, but suddenly with a clearer mind. His strong reaction and comment shook me up and made me calm down a little, and then the truth and the reality of my predicament dawned on me.
"I think… maybe... I'm gay, Dad…" I whispered, not sure of how he would feel about that, or how I was supposed to be feeling. I was so damn confused that I didn't know anything.
He nodded once, took a deep breath, and looked deep into my eyes.
"It's Jasper, isn't it?" His voice wasn't judgmental. There wasn't even a glint of accusation in his tone, just concern.
I couldn't speak because the pain hit me hard at the mention of his name, so I just nodded.
"I think I knew…" My father said in a sympathetic tone.
"Do you… do you hate me?" I asked, all of a sudden aware that I had just confessed to my father that I loved a boy, that maybe I was gay, and that I had just understood all that, without ever thinking if it would be a problem for my family.
"Edward, how can you ask me that?" He reprimanded me. "Why, for God's sake, would I hate my only son?"
"I've just confessed that I'm in love with… a boy…" I murmured, abruptly ashamed of my realization.
My father took my face in between his strong, big hands and pulled me close enough that I could feel his erratic breath.
"Never again, not even for one single second, doubt my love for you." He said earnestly. "I'm your father, I'm the person who's supposed to give you all the support you need to be a good, befitting happy person. And I love you. Unconditionally. More than I love anything else in my life, more than I love myself. I would never, for any reason, dislike, let alone hate you, Edward." He exhaled and put my head on his shoulder, hugging me again. "I love you so much, Son… It doesn't matter to me who you love…"
I closed my eyes, allowing more tears to roll down my cheeks while relief flooded me.
"You're not disappointed…?" I needed the reassurance.
He pushed me away a little, just for us to look at each other again.
"Because you're in love?" He asked while smiling tentatively. "I'm actually content. I thought I'd never witness this part of your life. That you'd never share it with me."
"But… it's not…"
"Normal?" He questioned rhetorically. "On the contrary… There's nothing more normal than falling in love with someone so close to us…" His smile was a little larger. "You and Jasper… I've never really analyzed it but, I've always felt there was a connection, a very strong connection between the two of you." He sighed. "Of course, I thought it was more like a… Fraternal thing, but now, looking back at it…"
"But he's not… like me, Dad." I kind of lamented. "He's… straight."
"Like you thought you were?" He asked, raising his brows. "I remember once you thought you were in love with a girl… What was her name?"
"Angela."
"Angela. Your mother told me you asked her how you would feel if you were in love. But I knew you weren't. You wanted to be, this I could tell, but you were not."
"How are you so sure?" My question came in an anguished tone because then I would be sure that I was in love with Jasper for much longer than I was thinking.
"I don't know, son…" He sighed again and smiled softly. "But if you had to ask your mother…" He shook his head. "These things we simply know, Edward. It's hard to explain but we know. We feel it in the depths of our souls. You feel it now, don't you?" I nodded. "That's why you're hurting. Because you know, you can feel it's the real thing now." He sighed. "When you were with Angela I just could tell that you hadn't been touched by love yet. Love usually leaves a mark, like… like glow in the eyes, or a dreamy expression on the face…" He looked at me pointedly. "An anguished gaze…"
It was my turn to sigh. I averted my eyes from his.
"What am I supposed to do now?" I questioned more to myself than to my father.
He put one of his hands on my shoulder and squeezed lightly.
"Are you hungry?" He asked as if nothing had happened. "Your mother is making that meatloaf you love. We could have dinner, then you can take a shower and, later on, if you feel like it, we can go out and talk, just the two of us. As much as you want and need." I looked at him with a questioning look. "It's always easier to think with a satisfied stomach." He smiled.
I smiled back because I felt at ease around my father. He was such a calming person it was impossible to feel disturbed whenever he was around.
Of course, my mind was still full and troubled. And my heart was aching and bleeding but… I felt so protected, so safe, that all the pain was suddenly bearable. I knew I had all the support I needed.
So I nodded and accepted my father's hand once he was standing in front of me.
From then on, and for a long time, my dad was the only person who knew about my feelings for Jasper. The one to whom I would run whenever I felt overwhelmed, jealous, or sad, the one I would trust with all my anguish. The only one who would tell me exactly what I needed to hear and the first one to support my resolves, even the ones with which he strongly disagreed.
But most importantly, he would be the one person responsible for opening my eyes to the biggest mistake I would ever make in my entire life.
