Deep in my soul,
A love so strong,
It takes control.
CHAPTER THREE
She was trapped. Inside her own mind.
Usagi didn't know how else to describe it. She still had access to all of her senses; she could taste the salty tears seeping into the corner of her mouth. She could smell the acrid scent of blood in the air. She could feel the smooth, solid weight of the moon wand clasped in both hands, could hear familiar voices in the distance. It sounded like the Senshi. She wanted to open her eyes and see if she was right. She wanted to…but she couldn't.
Usagi couldn't do anything. She couldn't reach up to wipe away the tears running down her cheeks. She couldn't part her lips to cry for help. She couldn't even wiggle a single toe. She was powerless, and yet power coursed through her. The same warm, intense power that had possessed her twice before. Curious about its source, she tried to trace the heady flow of magic flooding through her body, but it was too unstable.
This wasn't the power she summoned when she transformed into Sailor Moon. This was something different. Something stronger. Much stronger. Usagi couldn't open her eyes to see, but she could sense that it pouring out of her, too potent to be contained. She wasn't in control of it, just as she wasn't in control of her own body.
Someone else was.
Someone else was inside her mind. The realization was as baffling as it was terrifying. Usagi could detect a presence, and while she didn't recognize it, she felt the faintest hint of nostalgia, as though she were being reintroduced to an old acquaintance. However intriguing this vague sense of familiarity was, it did little to temper her fear. Panic rose, swift and sharp, impelling her to act.
[[Hush.]]
The voice came from within. Gentle, quiet, and strangely compelling, it did nothing but heighten Usagi's anxiety. She fought to gain control, pushing against the invisible barriers that held her prisoner, but it was no use. A wave of calm—not her own—descended upon her like a thick blanket. Determined to retain some small sense of agency, Usagi tried to resist, but it settled around her, subduing her struggles and stifling her turbulent emotions.
[[Please remain calm. I must focus elsewhere now.]]
The events that followed played out with the disjointed, surreal quality of a dream. Her knees—no longer bare—touched down against the floor. Her hands—no longer wet with blood—relinquished their hold on the wand before reaching out, grasping, pulling…what? No, not what. Whom. Mamoru. Usagi could feel the solid weight of his head and shoulders in her lap, the sleek locks of his hair beneath one hand, the gentle rise and fall of his chest beneath the other. Her fingers gripped his hair, his shirt, then her back arched and the formidable energy emanating from her body engulfed her senses as it pooled within her breast.
An angry cry sounded in the distance. Zoisite. He was still here then. But where? Trapped behind shuttered eyelids, Usagi willed her eyes to open but they remained shut. A blast of dark energy hit her like a shock wave, blowing her hair back and chilling her exposed skin. Powerful though it was, the fierce assault failed to knock her back. Usagi yearned to rise, to face her attacker, but her interloper had other plans. Her right hand retrieved the wand and raised it high above her head. Though the movements were deceptively calm, Usagi could feel the rush of anger and knew that the foreign entity inside her mind meant to retaliate.
The power within her flared in answer to a silent call. It rushed up the length of her arm and surged out of her hand into the wand like white-hot flame. Usagi didn't know what was happening. She couldn't see anything, couldn't control anything, couldn't focus on anything other than the searing pain in her hand. Her fingertips tingled and burned, and she wanted nothing more than to pull them to the soothing moistness of her lips, but she couldn't. All she could do was wait for it to end.
A scream of anguish—not her own—rang out through the air, followed by the sharp crack of a forceful collision. Then the flow of magic diminished all at once, along with the worst of the pain. The wand was dropped, forgotten. The deed was done.
"Endymion."
Despite having never heard it before, the strange word slid off Usagi's tongue with surprising ease. The invader was speaking for her now. Before Usagi could process this latest affront to her autonomy, her eyes opened and sight returned. Tuxedo Kamen, or rather, Mamoru—she wasn't sure what to call him now—lay still with his head in her lap, his youthful face lined with strain. An intense swell of devotion bloomed within her chest, but Usagi could no more lay claim to it than she could to the words that followed.
"Endymion, my love, you're wounded."
Endymion? Was that supposed to be a name? And what was up with her voice? It was so solemn, so formal. Usagi's frustration mounted as tears pooled in her eyes, obscuring her freshly restored vision. She didn't have time to cry right now, she needed to do something. Fast. Tuxedo Kamen was injured, he needed a doctor. She would never be able to get him to a hospital in time without help. Hadn't she heard the Senshi earlier? If so, where were they?
Tuxedo Kamen's eyes fluttered open and all thought fled Usagi's mind. "Serenity," he murmured, gazing up at her face. The word was no more familiar to her than the one she had uttered twice before but that wasn't important. He was awake.
Usagi studied his newly revealed features with fresh eyes. Though it was evident from his pained expression that he was suffering a great deal from his wound, Tuxedo Kamen's eyes shone bright with emotion. So intense was his regard that Usagi couldn't help but feel discomfited. It reminded her of the way he'd stared down at her in the elevator, and now, just like then, she yearned to turn away, to hide from him. But she was helpless to do so.
"I remember everything now, my sweet," he said, his soft voice thick with emotion. "I finally understand. I am Endymion. I've been searching for you all this time. I was lost without you, Serenity."
Usagi didn't have the first clue what he was talking about but her pulse accelerated when he clasped her hand.
"Yes, dearest, I know, I am overjoyed to see you as well, but you must rest now. Your injury is grave."
Hearing the soothing reply issue forth from her mouth only served to deepen Usagi's confusion. She had no idea what was going on. Had she lost her mind? Had Mamoru? The devotion in his eyes, the terms of endearment springing from his lips...none of it made sense. Was he delirious? Usagi didn't know what to think, but something had clearly happened when she'd blacked out. Why couldn't she remember? Maybe…she hadn't woken up yet? Maybe this was all just a weird dream or…or a bizarre alternate reality. What other explanation could there be?
Someone had taken up residence inside of her and was flooding her body with power, with thoughts, with feelings that didn't belong to her. Whatever this was, Usagi didn't like it, and she wanted it to stop. Now.
Energized by her own indignation, she rose up and threw herself against the walls of her prison. The barrier held firm. Undeterred, Usagi tried a second time and a third, but her renewed attempts to escape did little more than draw the attention of her jailer. When they tried to subdue her with another blanket of forced calm Usagi resisted. She didn't want to be silenced. She wanted to cry for help, to warn whoever might be within earshot that she wasn't herself, that she was being controlled. She wanted to expel this alien presence from her mind, but she didn't know how. Why was this happening?
[[You will have your answers if you are but patient.]]
Usagi didn't know what startled her more, the return of the voice or the realization that her thoughts were no longer private. Torn between apprehension and curiosity, she hesitated before answering. 'Who are you?'
[[It is imperative that I focus; you must allow me to concentrate if I am to help him.]]
Usagi itched to press the matter but her desire to help Tuxedo Kamen trumped her need for answers. His injury was serious, possibly fatal, and even if she managed to regain control of herself she had no clear plan of how to save him. Could this invader do something?
"Beloved, I must heal you now."
Helpless spectator that she was, Usagi tried to remain calm in the midst of her own possession. One of her hands stroked Tuxedo Kamen's sweat-slicked brow, and Usagi's heart wrenched when he released a low moan. Her fingers smoothed away a few errant locks of hair plastered to his forehead before trailing down the side of his face to cup his cheek. While the tender intimacy of these ministrations unsettled Usagi, she kept a tight rein on her emotions and reminded herself that she was doing this to help Mamoru. Tuxedo Kamen. Or whatever else he chose to call himself.
"Stay with me, dearest, you mustn't leave me now."
While Usagi understood the importance of keeping Tuxedo Kamen conscious, she could have done without the sweet talk. How was she going to explain any of this once she was back in control?
"Serenity..." Tuxedo Kamen mumbled, drawing Usagi's gaze to his mouth. "The darkness beckons me again, my love. I am too weak to keep it at bay. I can hear her voice even now. Please..." His eyes closed in a grimace, and when they reopened they were bright with urgency. "You must flee. Let the Senshi get you away to safety."
While she didn't understand much of what he was saying, Usagi didn't like the sound of it and she wasn't the only one.
"Shhh…hush, my love," the interloper replied, leaning over Tuxedo Kamen and pressing a gentle finger against his lips to silence his weak protests. "We have waited too long to find our way back to each other to be parted now. So long as I am by your side you have nothing to fear. The darkness cannot penetrate the bright light of our love. Hold on to me, and I promise that I will keep you safe." She cradled his face in her hands. "I will heal you, and then we will flee together."
Dismayed to be cast as an unwilling participant in this unfolding melodrama, Usagi ached to intervene. She had never been this close to Tuxedo Kamen outside the realm of fantasy, and now that she knew that he was actually Mamoru… She had to do something—anything—before this went any further. Desperate to regain control, only one thing held her back. Hope. Hope that this intruder could do something to help him.
"You mustn't expend any more energy, my love," Tuxedo Kamen warned. "You are already weakened from your encounter with Zoisite."
Usagi suspected he was right. The fingertips on her right hand still ached from using the wand, but this strange counterpart of hers didn't seem to care.
"Nonsense, Endymion, I have more than enough strength to heal you."
'Liar,' Usagi thought.
[[Stay out of this.]]
"Please, Serenity, leave this place. Your safety is all that matters. If I can, I will find a way back to you."
"No, not without you." The tearful refusal came swift and harsh. Desperation took over, and the warm power began to stir anew. "I will never be without you again."
It bloomed from her core, expanding into her chest and flooding her body with heat. Usagi had grown more or less accustomed to magic by now, but this was unlike anything she had ever experienced as Sailor Moon. She didn't know where her power as a Sailor Senshi came from—had never given it much thought, to be honest—but this magic came from deep within. From a part of her she had never known. Never accessed. Never unleashed. Until this moment.
It frightened her. Immense and awesome, it overwhelmed her senses, spreading through her small form like wildfire. Primal in nature, it consumed every fibre of her being until her soul lay bare. Stripped down to her essence, Usagi experienced a single moment of clarity. This power was formidable but it wasn't infinite. How much of it remained? Warmth pooled in her hands, signalling that she was about to find out.
All at once the magic surged from her fingers into Tuxedo Kamen, and Usagi marvelled at the novel sensation. A thready pulse began to beat in her head, and she was astonished to realize that it belonged to him. This power was linking their bodies; she could feel each and every one of his shallow breaths as well as his staggered heartbeat. Power flowed through her hands into his chest, easing the ache in her fingertips and repairing the damage that Zoisite's crystal shard had wrought.
Tuxedo Kamen's eyes grew wide as the soothing magic worked to heal his wound. Exhilarated by the heady thrill of this tremendous new power, Usagi failed to notice how long the mending process was taking. She was healing Tuxedo Kamen! Well, technically it wasn't her doing the healing, but it was still her body and that was pretty darn amazing. Oddly enough, Tuxedo Kamen didn't seem to agree. Brows knitted and eyes narrowed, he looked anything but pleased. Worried even. But why?
Before she could puzzle overlong his strained features blurred, her eyelids fluttered open and closed, and she listed to the side. Usagi braced for the fall to come, but her right palm made contact with the cool marble floor before she could collapse. Strength all but sapped, her arm quivered and threatened to buckle under the burden of her own weight.
"Endymion." The name came out as a gasp, sandwiched between deep, laboured breaths. "I am sorry, my love, I—I am not strong enough." Tears pooled in her eyes.
Tuxedo Kamen's concern was written on his features, but he offered her a small, encouraging smile. "You have done much, my sweet. Do not fret, you are very strong indeed." With what appeared to be great effort, he raised a trembling hand to cup her cheek and gazed up at her with solemn eyes. "You must go now, Serenity."
A tear slid past his thumb as she lifted her free hand to cover his. "Please. Do not ask this of me."
Usagi had reached the end of her patience. She'd held off as long as she could, but Tuxedo Kamen needed more help than she, or whoever was inside her, could give him. Healing efforts notwithstanding, he was still in rough shape and there was no telling when the enemy would return. Too weak now to fight or flee, Usagi knew that they would never get out of here alive without backup. She needed the Senshi.
"Endymion, my heart," the interloper murmured, "I will never leave you."
Blocking out the exasperating sound of her own voice, Usagi turned her attention to the task at hand—wresting back control. Not quite sure how one went about ousting a mysterious presence from one's own body, she wasted precious time on deliberation, wishing all the while that Ami were here to tell her what to do. Thus distracted, she didn't notice that the gentle murmuring had stopped until the arm supporting her weight bowed at the elbow, causing her to tip forward. When her eyes closed next Usagi feared she was passing out, but then her lips puckered and she realized it was much, much worse.
The interloper was bending over to kiss Tuxedo Kamen.
To kiss Mamoru.
In a day fraught with unimaginable surprises, Usagi had tried her best to roll with the punches, but this was a bridge too far. She had pictured her first kiss countless times, but never like this. Never without her consent. Never at a moment when she was so confused, so afraid, so helpless. And with Mamoru of all people! Even if he was Tuxedo Kamen that didn't magically erase all of the arguments they'd had, the insults they'd hurled, the wounds they'd inflicted. Usagi couldn't let this happen. It wasn't fair to either of them. She would not kiss Mamoru.
It was time to evict this body snatcher.
The familiar swell of her Senshi power rose up and surged outward, crashing against and then through the barriers that held her prisoner within her own mind. Back in control, she stopped short in the nick of time, her lips a hair's breadth away from those of her heroic antagonist. Usagi closed her eyes and relished her victory, flexing her fingers and toes with pleasure. At long last she was free.
Now what?
First things first, they had to get out of here. Bracing a hand against the floor, she straightened—too fast. Stars danced before her eyes as her sight grew dim. A tide of vertigo washed over her, sending her toppling forward onto Tuxedo Kamen's chest. In her rush of freedom, Usagi had overlooked one critical detail: her lack of energy. How could she have been so stupid? What would become of them now?
[[There is nothing left to do but rest.]]
The muffled patter of footsteps drew near as vague shapes and colours entered her narrow field of vision. Too drained to discern friend from foe, Usagi wrapped weak arms around the prone body beneath her and mouthed a silent prayer. Keep him alive. Keep him safe. Keep him whole. She repeated it in her head like a mantra until exhaustion took over and the world around her faded away.
The light was blinding. Bold and intense, it permeated the thin skin of Usagi's shuttered eyelids with startling ease. Raising a hand to shield her weary eyes from the blazing glare, she released a low moan. "Turn the light off."
"Your vision will adjust if you allow it to do so."
Usagi shot bolt upright, her eyes wide with alarm, but the sheer brilliance of her surroundings seared her retinas, filling her vision with dark blotches. Disoriented, she tucked her chin to her chest and blinked until her sight cleared. Then, lifting a cautious gaze, she peered out into an immeasurable sea of white. Though she could feel a solid floor beneath her, the space was borderless, with no doors or walls…nothing. Just a vast, empty space.
Where was she?
Wary of the silence, Usagi called out, "Hello?"
"Hello."
More unnerved than comforted by the response, Usagi looked left and right in search of the speaker but there was no one in sight. "Where are you?"
"Behind you."
Usagi pivoted and her gaze lit upon a figure. It took her mind a few moments to process what she was seeing, but as soon as she did a sharp gasp escaped her lips. She scrambled to her feet, eyes wide with disbelief, and retreated several steps, eager to place some distance between herself and this inexplicable sight.
Less than a dozen paces away stood a young woman; the spitting image of Usagi. The likeness was uncanny. The same long, blond hair done up in odangos, the same blue eyes, the same modest, upturned nose and bow-shaped lips. Were it not for the elegant dress she wore, Usagi would have sworn she was looking in a mirror. She studied the long white gown, admiring the ornate gold appliqué and small pearls that trimmed the bosom, and the full skirt that billowed around its occupant's legs in light, flowing layers. Something about it seemed familiar…
As her initial shock gave way to rising apprehension, Usagi furrowed her brow and tried to make sense of what was happening. She had no idea where she was or how she had gotten here. By her count, she had lost consciousness at least three times in as many hours, and each time she'd awoken to a reality more confusing than the last. Standing here faced with a living, breathing clone of herself, Usagi wondered, not for the first time, if she was caught in some bizarre dream. Maybe she was still at home in bed, about to be roused by the harsh buzzing of her alarm clock. That seemed a much more plausible explanation for the day's events than…what? What other explanation could there be for the situation she now found herself in?
She pinched the bare skin of her forearm, flinching when the feeble attempt to wake herself did nothing but cause a brief moment of discomfort. Her strange twin remained silent, watching her with a look of quiet contemplation. Usagi pinched herself again, harder this time, but the action proved no more effective than before. Dream or no, it looked like she was stuck here.
"Who are you?" Usagi asked. Dozens of questions swarmed her mind, begging to be answered, but ascertaining the identity of this look-alike seemed to be the best place to start.
The girl's mouth curved in a soft smile as she tilted her head to the side and replied, "The more pertinent question would be, 'who are you?'"
Usagi wasn't sure she understood what pertinent meant, but she didn't care for the evasive response. Though the girl appeared harmless enough, Usagi knew it would be foolish to drop her guard. This could be some trick of the enemy. Glancing down to make sure she was still in her fuku, she struck a familiar pose and declared, "I am Sailor Moon."
Her counterpart blinked before looking Usagi up and down, frowning as she did so. "Sailor Moon?" she echoed in clear puzzlement before returning her eyes to Usagi's face. "Who is Sailor Moon?"
Usagi mirrored the girl's frown as she relaxed from her pose. Who is Sailor Moon? What kind of question was that? Granted, she might not have reached Sailor V's level of notoriety yet, but Usagi figured Sailor Moon was pretty well known by now. Who was this girl?
A bit deflated, Usagi pointed to herself and replied, "I am. I'm Sailor Moon." Then she looked down at her fuku and back at the girl as if to say, 'Duh.'
The girl glanced at the fuku again but no flash of recognition crossed her features. "You must be lying," she said, issuing the blunt accusation with a dismissive shake of her head. "There is no Sailor Moon."
Usagi stared open-mouthed at her mirror image, struck dumb by the absurdity of the statement. "Of course there's a Sailor Moon!" she insisted, fisting her hands on her hips. "Haven't you ever heard of the Sailor Senshi?"
Judging by her pursed lips and flared nostrils, Usagi's question had offended the girl. She sniffed—a haughty gesture that Usagi figured had nothing to do with sinuses and everything to do with attitude—then crossed her arms in front of her gold bosom. "Of course I am familiar with the Sailor Senshi. Evidently more so than you, given that I am aware that there is no Sailor Moon."
Though Usagi caught the emphasis, it only deepened her confusion. "What do you mean there's no Sailor Moon?" she asked, incredulous. "I just told you that's who I am. You obviously don't know a thing about the Sailor Senshi, because if you did you'd know I'm their leader."
"Nonsense," the girl said without batting an eye. "Venus is the leader of the Senshi."
Caught off guard by the automatic response, Usagi did a double take. This girl knew about Sailor Venus? How could that be, when Venus had only revealed herself last night? And why would she think Sailor Venus led the Senshi? Luna had given Usagi the wand and the role of leader along with it. Had Venus shown up to replace her?
The seed of doubt planted itself in Usagi's mind, leaving her torn between feelings of relief and resentment. There was no denying that Venus's experience as Sailor V made her an excellent choice for leader. After all, she'd been fighting long before the day Luna and Usagi had first crossed paths. Did that mean Venus had some kind of seniority? Had Usagi only been standing in as a placeholder until now?
Sensing that she was teetering on the edge of a very deep rabbit hole, Usagi pulled herself back from the brink. Why was she allowing this stranger to sow doubt in her mind? She didn't have time to waste on distractions. There were too many questions that needed to be answered.
Levelling a firm gaze on her mysterious double, Usagi squared her shoulders and took control of the situation. "I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play, but I am Sailor Moon," she said in no uncertain terms, "and I lead the Senshi."
The girl raised one finely arched eyebrow. "Are you certain of that?"
"What?" Usagi snorted. "You think I don't know who I am?"
The girl said nothing but one corner of her mouth rose in an unnerving smile that made the hair on Usagi's neck stand on end. Enough was enough. "Who are you?" Usagi demanded.
Seemingly indifferent to Usagi's growing impatience, the girl's smile only widened. "Have we now come full circle?"
Balling her hands into fists, Usagi took a menacing step forward. "Just answer the question," she growled through clenched teeth.
"Who are you?" the girl asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Resisting the the urge to grab this doppelgänger by the neck and throttle her, Usagi scowled and shook her head. "I already told you who I am."
"No," the girl replied, "you only think you did."
"Tell me who you are!" Usagi shouted, throwing her hands up in the air.
"The answer you seek lies within."
What was that supposed to mean? Why was this girl speaking in riddles? "I don't know what you're talking about," Usagi snapped. "Why won't you just give me a straight answer?"
"Allow me to show you."
When the girl stepped forward Usagi took a reflexive step back. Pausing, the girl raised her hands, palms facing outward in a show of peaceful intent, then resumed her approach. Though a voice in the back of her mind urged her to turn tail and run, Usagi held her ground. She was taking a risk, but at this point her curiosity outweighed her sense of caution.
As the girl drew closer, Usagi began to note small differences in their appearances. Though the resemblance was remarkable, the sharper angles of the girl's face, paired with a fuller bosom, led Usagi to believe she was older. Her hair was also longer, the twin tails nearly skimming the floor, nor was it blond as Usagi had initially thought. In actuality, it was a brilliant shade of platinum that shimmered with golden highlights.
But it wasn't until the girl stopped an arm's length away that Usagi noticed the biggest difference between them. A golden crescent moon, identical to Luna's, shone brightly in the centre of the girl's forehead. Transfixed by the gleaming insignia, Usagi experienced a powerful swell of nostalgia. Before she knew what she was doing, her fingers were almost upon it. Snatching her hand back at the last moment, she lowered her gaze to the floor as heat flushed her cheeks.
"Do not feel embarrassed," the girl said, taking Usagi's hands.
Startled by the sudden contact and the odd sensations it evoked, Usagi tensed. Strange images flooded her mind, too numerous to parse, leaving her confused and anxious. Lifting her gaze to that eerie, near-identical face, she repeated the words once more, this time in a whisper. "Who are you?"
"My name is Serenity. Long ago I was a princess; the sole heir to a small, yet powerful kingdom. Tragically, my life was cut short, stolen by those who sought to destroy everything I held dear. But it seems that I am to be granted a second chance. For now I have been reborn…as you."
My sincere thanks as always for reading!
I have many thoughts about the past lives reveal and the Serenity/Usagi dynamic. I suppose that's why I decided to sit down and write a story about it. I know there are many different takes out there and I think the fandom is all the richer for it.
For anyone unaware, the lyrics in the notes at the beginning are from the song, 'My Only Love' which debuted in the original DiC dub of this episode. Those three lines are a key part of the inspiration for this story, so it felt right to include them here.
Feedback of any kind is humbly encouraged and greatly appreciated.
