Chapter 32: Eulogy
"You can keep the dress after the funeral," Miss Sari Haevyn offered. "Even with the alterations, I won't be needing it anymore." She squeezed her beloved's thigh and leaned in for a kiss. "I don't intend to go to any memorials for at least three years. Besides, those Scouting affairs always sound so dismal. Brief, devoid of feeling, you know. Although a lot of kids I knew went into the regiment, just to escape Maria. Well, they've all evaded it now."
Larmie lifted his glass. "Here, here. To the peace and love we've found." He put a hand over his wife's shoulder, and they clinked their glasses together.
"And to Jexta!" Mr. Solway exclaimed. "The finest brewer in Sina!"
The little woman joined in the joy, exchanging the toast with all those at the table. Mr. Solway had plucked up this courage, although sooner than either Larmie or Hajule had predicted (Edie was the proud owner of three polished, gold coins). For the last week, the couple had entertained Mr. Solway's many friends and some of Miss Haevyn's acquaintances, remnants of the wall. They reminisced on the past, gave gifts to the happy pair, and drank into the night. Of course, all this had to be done at the Cartwell farm. Years of bachelorship found Mr. Solway staying in a bedroom the size of a closet, in Miss Haevyn's opinion, so a family home was an order. While Jamie, Edie, and their parents could squeeze anywhere for the occasional dinner, his new lady determined to have a dining table, three bedrooms, a basement, and a flower garden. All her fantasies were coming true, even having a halfway younger cousin to call her own.
"From what I hear of his valor," Miss Haevyn had mentioned at their first meeting, "we won't see much of Jamie after he joins his regiment. You and I will be great friends, then, to pass the time." She'd tossed her shoulder after this, sharing a joke with herself. "Of course, I'll be a married woman again, with certain responsibilities to uphold. But you must visit, at least twice a week."
Mr. Solway had described his girlfriend as older, resourceful, exceptionally beautiful, and the most magnificent goddess he had ever laid eyes on. Given her history as a widow, Edie had believed most of it and constructed quite an image of the woman. But this woman who always leaned in just a little too close and found a comment for anything reminded her more of an ugly stepsister than divinity.
The engagement week had been grueling, and would soon come to an end as the two focused attention on actual wedding plans, but a subtle appreciation had grown, at least. Mr. Solway's eyes rarely left his soon-to-be bride, and he smiled at all her arguments, even the ones he expressly disagreed with. For years, apparently, Larmie had tried to convince Mr. Solway to use his surplus to build even a tiny abode, within walking distance of his store, to no avail; she'd improved his quality of life tenfold in just a few suggestions. And at every meal, no more helpful hands could be found. She aided in preparation, could be told to sit down easily, served, cleaned up, and congratulated the chef on another masterful creation. Brevity is the soul of wit, perhaps, but goodness was writ on her soul.
Edie could put up with all the details. Levi had sent a follow-up letter with details on times, transportation, and attire for the memorial. Sari, upon hearing the event, offered a practically new black gown and her opinions. Several severe alterations and sideways quips about the Scouts later, the woman in mourning stood on her front porch, small purse slung over her shoulder, as eager laughter continued inside.
They'd decided to quarantine from the Captain. Surely, the family reasoned, the usually impersonable boyfriend wouldn't want smiles and company now. He could greet the parents and meet Miss Haevyn perhaps at the wedding, the guest list of which he was a last-minute addition to. It was a formality, they reasoned aloud, to someone so unfeeling, and he'd be glad when it was over with; why did his girlfriend even need to be in attendance?
The dress fitting had gone on for hours. Hajule worked much slower with Sari's chatter.
Edie gripped her handbag a little tighter. His two letters describing the affair had been succinct and objective, it was true, but when her eyes closed, a flash of lighting struck across her mind and told her there was more to Levi than most knew. She was beginning to see it.
Thankfully, the captain rode down the trail a few minutes early, while the sun was still high in the sky. He wore full regalia, including two pins upon his collar, neither of which she got a good look at. Levi said a few words in greeting, they exchanged pleasantries as she boarded, and the journey began. For the next hour, her hands rested lightly on his waist, and his eyes stayed forward. At intervals, he asked a question or made some passing quip, but none were memorable, and all had a depressed undertone.
Politeness and confusion were often simultaneous, good friends.
They passed other Scouts on their journey, most traveling at an even, company-oriented pace. All wore the brown jackets with wings and dark green cloaks, and all were sweating under the unrelenting sun. Levi rode past them all, holding a quick canter, until a familiar fork in the road led them to the Scout's stone memorial.
It would be kind to send a rainstorm, Edie prayed with closed eyes, or at least a light drizzle. Anything to honor the dead.
The horse stopped at the posts, and Levi tied the mare up quickly. Edie dismounted slower, muscles aching and her dress stuck to her skin. The blend must have some of the same silk from her ball gown, a color that would've helped her blend in. Surveying the crowd, she saw Scout upon Scout, grouped in regiments and around captains. Some held flowers, tokens, or crinkled letters. Some hailed from the Garrison and even the Military Police, though none of them were high ranking officers. But no one in the crowd held a usual, citizen-workingman status. No one wore black.
Edie gripped and twisted her wrist.
"I have to find Erwin and finalize a few things with him," Levi said, rounding his steed. "The ceremony doesn't start for another half hour."
"Go on." She held her arms around her chest. "I need to attend to something, anyway."
The captain blinked. "Is it—"
"Relax. An old friend has daughter here." Her eyes wandered to the sea of green. "You have administrative duties, right? In that I'll be on my own?"
"Mm hmm."
"Any notes on conduct?"
Levi surveyed the crowd, too. "You're familiar with roosters?"
"Of course. Loud, brash, flamboyant creatures."
"Yeah. A lot of Scouts are like that, personality-speaking."
"Duly noted." She touched his arm gingerly, aware that many of his colleagues might be ready to pounce. Her destination was far enough removed, she hoped. "I'll see you in there."
The two walked together, although a foot apart, until the stone archway. A few eyes turned, but the captain had an air that dissuaded anyone from disturbing him with nonsense. She turned right, winding through the labyrinth of names, and he continued on his way. Few Scouts gathered here, and after a few blocks, she found herself alone. The chatter echoed, but softly enough. A few turns landed her in the correct year, and after another stretch of stone, she found the exact mission. A quick count revealed that thirty-two had given their souls on this particular mission, though Domo was bittersweetly proud that the number wasn't greater.
Edie took a wilting sunflower stem out of her handbag, knelt, and traced the border. Closer to the bottom, she found her object: Lydia Saphro. Her fingers worked a hole in the ground. The roots were thin, and sunlight lacking, but perhaps need enough would keep the little plant alive.
"Rest in peace, Lydia. Your father loves you, is very proud of you, and still thinks you were foolish to join. But he's more just missing you." Her fingers smoothed the last of the dirt. "Sleep easy."
She sat, cross-legged, on the ground for a while. Sari hadn't wanted her dress back, and that was how it would stay. Late afternoon crested, closer to the five o'clock start time. She still supposed they had ten minutes remaining, at least; the Scouts grew noisier and plentiful. For the smallest branch, they knew how to gather.
The sunflower, still in its infancy, seemed to be doing well. Lydia had reached her hands out of the stone and gently drug its roots deep into the earth. The earth may quake and a tsunami flood, but Lydia Saphro and her sunflowers might stand.
But what is a plant without sunlight? A huge shadow swept over the earth and caused real concern, doubled by a giant's silhouette standing over her. As her eyes adjusted, features came into view: a chiseled jaw, blonde hair, sweeping coat.
"Commander." She shielded her eyes. "Did Levi find you?"
"Yes. He and Hange are occupied at the moment."
"Sounds right." Edie stood, brushing the dirt off her back skirts. "Do you peruse the memorial before services?"
He shook his head. "I could recite the names in my sleep. And often do."
They began walking, side by side, through the rest of the stones, around the center, where the rest of the regiment gathered. They each read the names intently, slowly, on either side.
"Levi said you were here. I must admit, I hardly believed it."
Edie hugged her chest tighter, picturing the swarm of green hoods. "I didn't know it was a private affair."
"It's not. Most families pin the blame solely on us and want nothing to do with the ceremony."
"And the ones who are buried here?"
"Orphans and reformed criminals, mostly."
"I see. I don't mean any disrespect, truly. I came to support Levi."
"I don't doubt it. It's been over half a year, after all. If you had any wavering loyalty, I should hope a different outcome would result."
Edie chewed her lip. "You don't like me, do you?"
"Opinion has no place. You're here, so I assume your affection is genuine."
"On each of our dates and about twice in each letter, he mentions or defends something you've said or done. You opinion matters more than you credit."
"Fine, then." The commander lifted his eyes. "Do you intend to stay with him?"
"You said yourself it's been over six months—"
"Hang the facts. Any girl is happy to enjoy a man's wealth and looks until there's work along with it."
"Do you think I'm going to break it off? Out of the blue?"
"I think you're unpredictable. I know where Levi was before the Scouts, and I know he can't go back. We have an understanding that this is our work, no going back." His eyes narrowed as he glanced to the side. "I do not know where you came from, nor what your motives are."
"Your research failed you."
"It seldom does."
"I'm not going anywhere." Her eyes took on a faraway look. "Levi's…incredible." A million words flew around her mind, and she caught them carefully. "We understand one another, better than anyone else I've known. I want to preserve that."
The commander's jaw was set. "In friendship or marriage?"
Edie blinked. "We're—we're not—"
"Tell me. Who is it that could show up unannounced and wipe away all you've proclaimed? What is the shortest phrasing they could use to break it off?"
"Commander—"
"The Scouting Regiment will accept you as their own, just for being here today. Half of them already did, given that you killed a titan. You will have no shortage of friends, protecters, and admirers." The shadows around Erwin's eyes deepened as the sun shone full in his face, casting a deep shadow on Edie's figure. "But mark my words. If you show the slightest hesitation, or give me the minutest reason to doubt your intentions, any reputation and leverage you have will end, right then and there."
A swallow was all she had in reply for a moment, though one question pressed still. "And what of Jamie?"
"At the end of the day, Miss Cartwell, you aren't his blood relative. Any connection he has to the Scout regiment is his and his alone."
"Good. I'm glad you see it that way."
They reached the full congregation. The commander headed to the front, and Edie stood still for a moment. Sure enough, only Scouts composed the crowd. There was no escaping notice, not with how colleagues surely talked. Anyone who knew the infamous captain had a girlfriend would now know what she looked like, her full name, and remnants about Jamie. Goosebumps crawled on her skin. People were dead, having lived and suffered a hero's fatality, and she was worried about what Commander Erwin would think of her. Wonderful. A few clouds hid the sinking sun, as shadow cast on the courtyard. Six hundred eyes, all turned on me. What was I thinking?
"Edie!" Someone broke through the crowd, waving wildly, and destroying any hope of anonymity. "Hange said you'd be here, but, well, you know, people talk. And it's just a little memorial that you're not required to come to, so…you're here!"
Petra, Edie remembered. Now, here's the kind of person Erwin would approve of.
"You look wonderful!" Petra exclaimed with her hands clasped together. She pointed up front, where the regal, snitching Scout stood. She, too, glittered with awards and had a cheery air about her. Her eyes danced around the area as she conversed with Levi, who stood next to her, and Erwin, who walked up at that moment. A few other captains stood in a partial line around them, ready to begin. "Way too good for a Scout event. Hardly anyone bothered to even press their coats." She swung her creaseless cape. "Of course, being on Captain Levi's squad, we don't have much choice. You get a reputation, working for the cleanest man in the whole regiment."
"Hopefully a good one."
"Of course, of course." She leaned in. "Hey, you've got some grass stuck to the back of your dress. Mind if I-?"
"Yes, please."
"Sure." Petra hugged her, discreetly picking away the stems. "Were you in the memorial?"
Edie nodded. "One of my friend has a daughter memorialized here."
"Who?"
"Lydia Saphro."
"I remember that name. She saved the rest of her squad, didn't she?"
"The rest made it out alive, I believe. Except maybe her squad leader."
"Oluo had a friend on that squad. He lived to die another day." Petra pushed her way through the crowd, talking over her shoulder. We graduated the Cadets with only a year of overlap, in the ninety-sixth and ninety-eighth training Corps. He knows everybody I don't, and vice versa."
Edie kept her eyes trained forward, feeling gazes follow her as they passed. "That's convenient."
"Well enough."
"Edie Cartwell, as I live and breathe." A face she recognized took her hand and kissed it gingerly. He bowed with his face low to the ground, hands nearly touching his feet. "It is wonderous to be in your presence once again, sweet lady who is beloved by our captain. He speaks of you day and night, of your beauty and grace and—"
Petra hit him square on the head. "He does not. He hardly speaks of her at all, at least to us." She gave a sly look. "He tells Hange, and she fills us in."
A second guy, another who she recognized but couldn't place, scowled from behind. "Say, Eld, when I introduced you to Florence, why didn't you greet her like that?"
"Did Florence look like a goddess?"
"Did she kill a titan?" Petra chimed in.
"Could she face death and not quake?"
"Are you two even still dating?"
The guy conceded, and Petra patted Oluo's back. "Don't worry, Gunther. When you find your perfect person, we'll treat her like she's made of gold, too."
Eld, Gunther. Another man saw her and walked up, shaking her hand vigorously. His face was easily placeable—Oluo Bozado, the vicious softie from the letters. "Miss Cartwell, it's…well, it's wonderful to see you here."
"You as well." She scanned the surroundings. Someone else had tagged along with this group back in Ehrmich. "Wasn't there someone else on your squad, at least temporarily?" A laugh nearly escaped as she remembered his brazen introduction. "Tauren Lenski, wasn't it?"
Eld crossed his arms. "Oh, good ol' Lenski. Loud, clumsy, and barely good enough with a sword to pass at the Cadets. You know, he wasn't an official member of our group. Captain Levi handpicked all of us because of our skill—"
"—and some of us for our good looks!" Gunther chimed in.
"Yes, yes, Oluo is famous for his dashing eyelashes." Gunther sulked at this as Eld continued. "But we just liked Lenski because he was funny. He swung around our squad when the captains were off strategizing, and we taught him to live like a real Scout. Salary, short lifespan, and all. Only sixteen. What a waste. He didn't even make it to the legal drinking age! Not that that stopped him."
Her eyes misted. "Was."
"Awful waste, too," Oluo chimed in. "He practically flew into the titan's mouth."
"You'd think they'd have covered that in basic training," Petra added.
Edie started to open her mouth, hoping to chime in some happy memory of the dead—perhaps that he was funny, kind, and lightened the mood—but the train continued.
"Most toddlers know to avoid that part of a titan." Gunther shook his head. "This mission was ridiculous, to be honest. Tons of Scouts dying, left and right, for titans they could've rightfully killed. That's the last time I tote back anybody's spare arms for your single mother to bury. At least she can get the mourning over with and find you a new stepdad-in-mortis."
"At least Lenski accomplished one thing in his career. He taught us that careening off a mulberry tree ends with branches snapping, you on the ground, and your horse not enough time to get to you." Eld shrugged, disappointed. "You think you know a guy; then he shows an affinity for masochism."
Thankfully, one of the captains began shouting from the front, ordering everyone to quiet down, face forward, and pay attention. Most of the Scouts towered over her, but thankfully, Erwin was a mountain. Levi and Hange were nowhere to be seen, and she dearly hoped they weren't a mess somewhere.
"Thank you for your presence," the commander began, "as we remember our fallen comrades."
The Scouts stood forward. Edie stood as straight as she could.
"Today we add another stone to the graveyard, full of names standing for each of our fallen comrades. Their sacrifice will not be forgotten. They stood heard death knocking at the door and opened it regardless, knowing the benefits to outweigh the expense. We move forward, building on the work they did." The commander drew his arm across his chest and set the other behind his back. "Give your hearts to humanity!"
The Scouts followed the salute, with a scuff of boots and a whistling wind.
"We honor our fallen comrades by carrying on their work." The Commander glanced at the new stone, bowed his head slightly, then stepped off his pedestal.
That's it? Sure enough, Scouts were getting up and heading to the exit without so much of a nod to the stones. Edie gripped her dress as some passed. A few moments of remembrance, and not even thirty seconds later, most of the Scouts were on their horses and stampeding to Ehrmich for the night. Even Levi's squad members stood soon, said cordial goodbyes, and headed to the archway. Edie stayed in her seat, eyes fixed on the stone, until her captain found her, offered his hand, and took her to the exit. He was fine. No tears, no more of a downcast face, nothing.
I didn't need to come.
He was quiet even on the horse. "How are you?"
"I'm…fine." She snuck a glance backward at the diminished crowd. "Just…yeah, fine."
His eyes stayed low. "I haven't been helpful."
"You're—you don't have to be." She snuck her arms tighter around his chest and rested her head on his shoulder. She buried her eyes. "It's a funeral, after all. You're honoring lost soldiers, and trying to justify their—their deaths. You don't need to be sorry, or helpful, or anything."
Say less, say less. She bit her tongue.
"These memorials aren't easy to attend."
"I can see that." Hardly anyone came.
She pressed her forehead on his shoulder, the wool cape scratchy on her skin. She willed a message through to him, which welled up from her stomach.
Hardly anyone came. Just all of you, who knew them, and have to carry them in death. And me—and everyone's looking at me. I can't just be no one. I'm either the one who stayed with a Scout, or the one who couldn't take it, who wasn't good enough, who Erwin was right about. There's no good way for any of this to end, so why did you ask me to be here, if you don't need anything? If none of you care? If Tauren's death was nothing more than an inconvenience, a reason to hear another inspiring, tiny speech from your commander, to justify the fact that some of your comrades are dead? Why gather at all?
The message must've shattered, for the recipient continued on in his manner. The captain reared his horse at the intersection.
"Shadis wasn't here today," Levi mused. He turned his head over his shoulder. "I needed to meet with him. His base is an hour east of here."
Shadis, Shadis. Why does that name sound familiar? "Of course not." She leaned up, managed her balance, and kissed his cheek. "Whatever you need."
