Chapter 37: No Safe Shadow
"Edie!"
She was returning from Mr. Solway's at the time, thoughtlessly, her thoughts swirling as a hurricane. Dr. Otalia, in her kindest possible way, had said the injury was due to infection. The little limp and bump told her enough, that soon the horse's limbs would convulse, and Dia would lose her sanity as pain overtook. She advised a quick death, in at least a week, and would return in a few days with a loaded shotgun. The Garrison guards stored ten such weapons at each checkpoint; the doctor would allow a few days to say good-bye. Hajule took it the hardest, having ridden Dia for over a decade, and Edie picked up most of the chores and cooking in recompense, so the two might lay side by side in the hay and speak of kinder days.
But this shouting from a quickly approaching rider was not kind.
"Edie! There you are."
"Hange?" Edie put a hand on the mountainous horse, her fingers closing around the mane. "What are you doing here? I thought you all were supposed to be outside Rose until next week."
"We were. There's been an accident."
"What?"
"What am I saying? There's always an accident. Nothing ever goes strictly to plan, but…anyway, Levi's injured. I wanted you to know."
"Injured?" Edie's hand dropped, and her cheeks turned pale. "What kind of injury?"
"Some idiot misfired his ODM gear in the middle of an excursion, and it hit him in the side. The impact missed his major organs, so he didn't die right then and there, but he's lost a lot of blood."
She blinked and swallowed nothing. "Is—he's—"
"He was still breathing when I left. Erwin's taking care of the numbskull who doesn't know shit about know how to operate basic army mechanisms, but I figured you'd want to know."
"Where is he?"
"Down by Rose, four hours from here. I had to ride up to Sina to—"
"You have to take there," she commanded. "I have to—I have to be there."
"I need to go to Sina to…" Hange quieted, and she put a hand over Edie's. "I can give you an address, but I can't—"
"Thank you." Edie darted away, hurrying home.
"Edie, the address!" Hange turned and caught up to her. "Get on; I'll get you home."
"Thanks. Thank you." She swung herself up, foot caught awkwardly in the stirrup, threatening to twist her muscle permanently. "Thanks."
Larmie, the lone wolf in the house, may have offered words of encouragement and hope. He may have packed her a loaf of bread and a jug of water—how else did those packages get in her saddlebag?—and told her to take his horse with no hesitation. He may have enveloped her in a hug, rubbed her back, and said that things would be alright. She didn't register any of it. Hajule, sat in the barn, may have gasped and left Dia's side. She may have helped with the saddle, bit, and hoof check. She may also have embraced the numb rider and said it would be alright. Edie wouldn't have known. She boarded the unfamiliar animal while still in the barn and bolted through the open doors, turning toward the main road leading to Trost.
Four hours to the city—she might as well have asked Larmie's horse to gallop for four months straight. In some strange thankfulness, she was glad Dia was twitching on the barn floor, for her trusted dear would have turned a four-hour journey into a midnight stroll. Villagers waved as she rode by, but she paid them no heed. Farmhands straightened their backs, observing the setting sun with a smile, looking forward to twilight's bell. A dashing horseman to them was someone eager to get home, a young lover straining to see their new companion. There was no reason to be moving quickly on account of tragedy. Titans and time, in their eyes, were slow-moving beasts.
Afternoon turned to evening, and as the sun melted below the walls, harmless trees turned to shadow shelters; in each unaccounted crevasse, a form lingered, voiceless, with the look of knowingness. Darkness covered the approaching wall (not quick enough) and gave the ghosts strength. She could see him now, that eternal nightmare, the Shadowman with his empathetic eyes. I told you so, I told you so. He pled with her to succumb. How could this turn out any differently? She gripped the reins and dug her heels in deeper. Larmie's horse yelped in response, trying to explain that this really was the fastest he could go.
Edie sped through the open gate, past shouting Garrison troops, and into thinning streets. Trost, unlike Ehmrich, retired earlier. Such was the life of commonfolk. She pulled out Hange's paper scrap and turned right, rode for a minute, then to the left, another left, until she reached a three-window tall building. Candles burned on the sills, and shadows moved quickly inside. Edie tied Larmie's horse next to a trough and wasted no time in thanks. She pushed open the heavy doors and collapsed against the front table.
"The captain, where is he?" she begged of a scrappy intern at the front table.
"Eh—excuse me? Do you have permission from Dr. Toshio to be visiting at this hour?"
"I don't need permission, thank you very much. Now, the captain? Captain Hange told me he was here."
"Miss, I can't help you unless you've got written consent from the doctor of this clinic. I'm sorry, but you'll have to come back tomorrow morning."
"I don't have time for this!" Edie hurried toward an open hallway, but the secretary dashed forward, his hands blocking the entryway. Although he stood a foot and a half above her, she set her feet well and stared at him. "Get out of my way."
The youth stammered furiously. "I—I can't just—you've got to have—I—it's against—"
"Edie?"
Both lover and near-victim turned at the inquiry, and a soldier wearing a bloody green cape pushed the latter aside to embrace the intrude. "Edie! It really is you. It looked like you from the window. Hange said you might be here if she could find you."
"Eld!" She nearly melted at the support. "Levi! Where is he?"
"He's upstairs." Eld jerked his thumb at the intern. "Take a hike."
"I—just that—Doctor Toshio—never mind."
The captain's second in command took wide strides to the stairs, and Edie's sore legs struggled to keep up. "It's been absolute chaos the last few hours. We were in a citylike settlement outside Rose when it happened, trying to gather intel from one of the titan hotspots. Apparently, some guy on another team had faulty gear, and the way he shot it ricocheted off a stone wall. His blades went flying, too, carving someone arm half-off and lodging in another soldier's leg. Erwin's investigating it now, both with the construction and care. He's hoping it's more than an accident, since we can't afford those, but whatever the case, Lambert's getting dishonorably discharged."
"Good." The intern's attitude and the incident's development boiled her stomach. "Good."
"I've been staying with him since the doctor didn't want him to be alone. Toshio said it was really up to infection at this point, whether the wound would heal itself." Eld stepped out of the stairs and into the third story hallway; he opened the second door on the right. "I've been replacing a wet washcloth every hour or so, to keep the fever down, but figured you would want to be alone."
"Yeah." Edie stepped around him and inside. "Yeah."
He was hardly a blip on the hospital bed, a flimsy stick covered with white sheets and sky-blue blankets. Her feet edged closer until her hand rested on the brass frame. She blinked; her eyes windswept dry.
"Well," Eld replied. "I suppose you want to be—"
"Is he going to be alright?"
He sighed. "The doc didn't say one way or the other. But, knowing Captain Levi, he'll pull through. Nothing's killed him yet, right? Right." With that, Eld shut the door. The inside lock clicked on its own.
No.
Not here.
Not like this.
Not with nobody watching.
She never thought to expound.
The end must come before honesty.
A quick slit before a leisurely disease.
A ripped heart instead of an unsure poison.
His fault instead of hers, though both knew better.
The room was closed off completely from the hallway now.
A bit of moonlight streamed through the rugged rooves.
One thin, footlong candle faltered with passing wind.
A corduroy armchair sat near the head.
All Trost's people closed their ears.
The lover melted, sitting, still.
The Shadowman climbed in.
She watched him.
No, him.
Levi.
Did you think death wouldn't follow wherever you went? The Shadowman lifted its head. No place is exempt from nighttime, no person excused from sleep. And you are the harbinger.
Edie took his hand, his burning and still hand. The sheets caved around his wound, dotted with dried. "You're going to be fine," she promised, "just rest. Nothing can hurt you here. Wake up in the morning, like you always do."
Why are you here? He'll live or die, unbothered by whether you watch. What does it matter that you watch?
"I'm going to watch over you," she declared. "Just watch. Your fever's going to go down, there won't be any infection, and that doctor can shove his diagnosis right up his ass. You'll see. Everything's going to be fine."
Lying does not become us. When did you begin deceiving yourself? When he pursued you, pestered you, showed off his lovely charms? When your filthy brother begged on his knees?
"We'll be home soon." Edie raised her voice. "We'll go to the spot on top of the wall and watch the sunset. We'll talk about how clever Erwin is, and how well Jamie did on his exams, and how Hange came up with a new way to kill a titan. And no one will see us up there."
The walls? The walls are the greatest shadow of all. Where man builds safety, I find another nook to burrow in. Safety is a stage, a play only rich men can afford.
"Shut up!" She snapped. "He's going to be fine. You're—you're going to be fine."
And if he is? What then?
Edie jumped to her fiery feet, but the corner's inhabitant fled to another poor soul's room. She sunk back into the armchair, a numbness overtaking her. Such was the truth, a quick sword with no rebuttal. He may as well die on this bed, and she gripped his hand with the thought. It would be no different, a death in a lie or a life in the truth. She collapsed back, one with the seat. The sudden ride and dead of night overtook her.
The Shadowman took first watch.
You should have never come here. How did you think it would be different?
