Episode 1: Bigger! Badder! Brutal-er!
The scene faded into a shot of the Earth from space, an astronaut banging on a small communications satellite in the foreground with a wrench. The satellite had the letters 'TDRI' scrawled on the front in black.
"We've been to the movies," the voice of Chris McLean began as the satellite seemed to whir into function, lights on either end of it glowing green. "We've been around the world!" Just as the astronaut gave the camera a thumbs-up, the satellite suddenly failed with a jolt of electricity and broke apart, the astronaut palming the visor of their helmet. "And this season," Chris said as the camera rapidly began to zoom in towards northern Canada, "we're going right back where it all began," the camera past through layers of cloud to reach a beautiful morning sky, then panned down to an all-too-familiar island, "at Camp Wawanakwa!"
Chris McLean was already standing just off-center on the dock, right by the 'Wawanakwa' sign – both of which looked like they'd gone through some heavy wear and tear. "I'm Chris Mclean," the host formally introduced himself, "and as you can see, things have changed since we've been away." He walked down the dock to where a male red-shirted intern of southeast Asian descent waited with a coconut drink on a platter; the right side of the camp's sign fell down as he passed by, taking out a small piece of the dock.
"And by changed," the host said with a darkly expectant smile, "I meant gotten really, really, dangerous!" He then took the coconut drink from the intern. As soon as he did so, a giant pink tentacle rose from the lake with a terrifying roar, and slammed down on the dock – Chris calmly sidestepped it, but the intern and a sizable chunk of the end of the dock were smashed into the water. "Hahaha, good stuff," the host laughed.
"But the rules of the game remain the same," he told the camera, the scene changing to a panning shot of one of the cabin rooms, a cockroach scurrying over the lens. The room itself looked about the same as it had three seasons ago – decrepit and old-fashioned, but boringly so. "A handful of unsuspecting teens will bunk with complete strangers," Chris explained during the pan, the shot cutting to a stained piece of male underwear nailed to a wooden door that promptly opened to reveal the old outhouse confessional within, "air their dirty laundry in our outhouse confessional, and compete in life-threatening challenges all over the island," the camera cut to a long-distance shot of the thousand-foot-high-cliff, zooming in on the gleamingly jagged rocks in the water below it, "and risk being voted off," Chris continued as the shot cut to the clearing, firepit, oil drum, and eleven stump-seats used for Campfire Ceremonies of the past.
"Last one standing wins," the shot cut from the elimination area to a still image of a wheelbarrow overflowing with money, "one, million, DOLLARS!" A short, grand, and victorious tune blared as the shot zoomed in on the prize money.
"Speaking of our cast," Chris said back on the Dock of Shame as a cool rock theme began to play, "here they are now!"
The shot cut to a small but luxurious red-striped yacht where the twenty-four contestants of the past three seasons could be seen more-or-less enjoying themselves. Anne Maria and Topher were making out on the starboard side while Brick, Gwen, and Jasmine danced nearby, Eva looking away from them with crossed arms. On the stern deck, Ripper and Sky were dancing, Sam was playing a video game, Caleb was lifting weights, and Izzy was hanging upside down swinging life rings. On a higher sternward balcony, Chase and Millie made out on the railing while MK was looking bored at a shirtless Justin posing for her. A seagull pooped on Justin's shoulder, making MK smile satisfyingly. And at the bow, Rodney was squashed by Katie and Sadie hugging him, Trent played on his guitar, Damien partied with Priya, Geoff and Scott were in the middle of a soda drinking competition, and Heather (who had started to regrow the hair and skin she'd lost last season) sat on the foremost part of the railing looking away from the others.
Chris waved at the yacht as it approached...and kept on going, the music scratching to a halt instead of the ship, and Chris laughed as the boat sailed off-screen.
"No, not them," he told the camera as it zoomed back in on him. "This season, we've got all new players, fighting for the million!" he announced as the music turned tense and grandiose. "And here they come now, for real!"
The shot cut to another yacht approaching, similar to the last one but with its stripes a pale teal instead of red. Several teens could be seen standing along the bow, port-side, upper deck, and stern, and the camera cut to those at the head of the ship – Noah and Axel.
"Meet Noah," Chris said, the boy who was reading a book noticing the girl next to him looking bored.
"Nice piercings," Noah told her sarcastically. "Did you do them yourself?"
"Axel," Chris continued, and the girl glared.
"Yes. Now leave me alone," Axel told Noah coldly, causing the boy to raise an eyebrow.
The camera panned to the right to show the next two campers in line. "Lindsay! And, Mike!" Chris continued.
"Can you believe that we're going to be here?" Lindsay asked the boy next to her.
"I'm happy," Mike told Lindsay as the shot zoomed in on the two. "It doesn't take anyone with big brains to notice the beautiful scenery."
"Shawn!" Chris announced next, the boy in question suddenly and without warning popping up between Lindsay and Mike with enough force to knock the two to the sides with startled cries.
"Brains? Whose brains? No one is getting my brains!" Shawn said erratically and quickly.
The camera panned away from him to show the next contestant Tyler, who had watched the previous contestant's freakout.
"Tyler," Chris said.
"Hopefully he feels better soon," Tyler commented with concern.
The camera panned right again, showing the next camper, Beardo, beatboxing a brief bit of the Canadian national anthem, finishing it out by singing "Sooooong!"
"Beardo," Chris finally introduced, "and Dawn," he added, the camera panning further right to show the next contestant sitting crossed legged on the railing as she meditated.
"Your aura is exceptionally indigo," Dawn told the obese black boy while placing a hand on his shoulder. "Oh it suits you though." Beardo smiled in response.
"Dakota," Chris continued as the scene cut to a spot further down the yacht, showing a sunglasses wearing girl leaning against the railing.
"Hey there," Dakota giggled and waved at the camera. "Dakota here, and I'm here to-"
As she spoke, the camera panned away to Emma fixing the scrunchie on her hair.
"Emma," Chris introduced.
"Hello!" the blonde girl smiled. "I'm happy to be competing in this season!"
She was shoved away by Dakota, who walked back into the shot annoyed. "Whoa," she chided the camera while holding her sunglasses. "Who said you could pan away?"
"And who said you could shove me?!" Emma angrily returned to the shot and forcefully pushed her to the ground, only to regret it afterwards. "Sorry."
"Staci," Chris introduced next as the next girl walked onto the scene.
"My great aunt Tina invented scrunchies!" Staci rambled. "Yah. Before her, people tied their hair with strings!" Emma decided to plug her ears in order to shut Staci out.
"Cameron," Chris introduced next, the camera panning up to the short black boy standing on the upper balcony.
He took a deep breath and smiled. "Fresh air! A real lake! Birds!" He looked around in amazement until a small flock of pigeons flew past and knocked him over the railing with a scream.
"And Alejandro," Chris finished as Cameron landed next to the final competitor of the season.
Alejandro looked down as Cameron landed and winced. "Perhaps I can be of assistance here?" he asked as he bent down and helped Cameron up.
"Yup!" Chris said as the shot cut back to him on the Dock of Shame. "It's our roughest, toughest, most explosive season ever!" He took out a remote control, and pressed the large central button with his thumb.
The yacht that the new contestants were sailing in on suddenly exploded, sending all thirteen of them flying and screaming in every direction.
Chris took a casual sip of his coconut drink, then looked at the camera. "Right here," he said as a faint version of the series' capstone theme played, "on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!" The shot jumped outward as the title was said, showing Wawanakwa island in its entirety with a few plumes of smoke in the distance marking where the yacht had exploded.
(Theme Song)
[The sequence begins much as it did three seasons ago, with an open into letterbox format as the camera focuses on the tops of a few distant pine trees. A rusty stage light rotates up and turns on; then the shot changes to a cobwebby spotlight swinging down and turning on as well; then a small security camera popping out of one of several leaky toxic waste barrels; then another camera bursting out of a tree hollow, held by an octopus tentacle and dislodging a few bones; then a pair of fair-skinned arms clapping a film slate in front of the camera which switches to a shot of the island, briefly showing a giant octopus looking out of the lake to the right, then flying forward down the dock and past the buildings, passing under a totem pole that Chris was sitting on and which was being carried by four interns of mismatched heights.]
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine;
[The camera rapidly flies through the trees as the lyrics begin, quickly reaching the top of the thousand-foot-high cliff.]
You guys are on my mind!
[It looks down at the ring of buoys in the water below and dives, immediately cutting to an underwater view as the bubbles disperse to reveal Cameron gagging with several vicious-looking fish watching him hungrily.]
Ya asked me what I wanted to be,
And now I think the answer is plain to see!
[Cameron frantically swims up and away from an approaching tentacle and finally grabs on to the end of an oar. The camera pans up to reveal Alejandro as the one rowing the boat. He pulls his oar out of the water and is startled to see Cameron clinging to it, and even more so when the tentacle tries to grab onto him. Fiercely, Alejandro manages to pull the oar away from the tentacle...and in doing so, throws Cameron high into the sky.]
I wanna be...famous!
[The scene lingers on Cameron in front of the sun for a moment, then quick-pans left to Axel working out with a punching bag in the middle of the woods; a falling Cameron abruptly falls into her arms. Axel just frowns and drops him before going back to her workout. The camera pans right to Dawn meditating on a stump log with many animals around her. Then a large, mutated gopher pops out of the ground and roars at her, causing Dawn and the animals to flee.]
I wanna live close to the sun!
[At the top of a waterfall, Lindsay and Mike float downriver in a canoe. Mike is shown acting out an unknown character energetically, and Lindsay, who is confused, looks away and finally spots the waterfall. Both scream as they go over the edge.]
Well pack your bags, 'cause I've already won!
[The camera pans down to Shawn practicing some kind of fighting move on a log suspended across the rocks at the bottom of the falls. Though he does not see the canoe falling behind him, he does see Lindsay and Mike as they fall right on top of him, breaking the log he was standing on and sending all three into the water.]
Everythin' to prove, nothin' in my way;
[Noah stands next to the outhouse confessional as he is currently reading a book, and a monstrous shark with arms and legs bursts out of the outhouse with a toothy grin. Noah flees away in fear and drops his book, confusing the shark.]
I'll get there one day.
[The camera pans to the Mess Lodge, Chef Hatchet's silhouette visible in the window. Zooming into the room shows him taking out a pair of headphones from a pot and putting them onto his ears. He then sends a glare behind him, and the shot pans over to show Staci talking obliviously until Chef shoves a spoon full of slop into her mouth.]
'Cause I wanna be...famous!
[Another pan to the left reveals Beardo eating a spoonful of his slop from his bowl, and he threw up on the floor afterwards. The scene zooms back out of the lodge to the beach, where Emma is blow drying her hair with a blow dryer until a hawk swoops in and demolishes it with their laser eyes, making Emma scowl at the fleeing hawk.]
(Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
[The camera pans away from Emma and on to Tyler playing with his yo-yo. A furry hand taps him on the shoulder, distracting the boy and allowing the arm to snatch away the yo-yo. Tyler realizes what's happened, and rushes angrily at the large hairy ape-man now using the yo-yo in an attempt to get it back.]
I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
[Dakota moves the camera onto herself, and kisses the lens. She waves as an intern quickly wipes away the smudge, then types something into her cellphone. Moments later, four men appear on the docks with cameras, snapping pictures of a rapidly-posing Dakota.]
I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)
[A sudden splash of water comes down on Dakota, causing her to send a frown upward – Chris is hovering above her in a jetpack and helmet, holding an empty bucket. He drops the bucket then flies off, the flames from his jetpack taking over the screen. It becomes night as they peter out, and the camera pans down across the stars and treetops and full moon to Lindsay and Mike, sitting at a campfire together. As they lean towards each other with expectant smiles, they are interrupted and separated by Chef Hatchet, wearing a hazmat suit and holding a glowing green marshmallow between them with a pair of heavy tongs.
The shot zooms out to show the rest of the cast looking shocked, whistling the last few notes of the song – Cameron, Staci, Alejandro, Emma, Shawn, and Dakota on Mike's side; Beardo, Axel, Tyler, Noah, and Dawn on Lindsay's side; and Chris standing next to Chef on Lindsay's side as well. The shot continued to zoom out until a signboard was shown marking the presumed entrance to the fire pit; it read 'TOTAL DRAMA REVENGE OF THE ISLAND' in block letters, the third word being the largest and the last word relegated to a board tacked on at the end.]
"AAAAHHH!" Cameron screamed, the episode fading in to him landing hard on a rock jutting out of the water. "Is this what pain tastes like?" he groaned. "Ughuh, I mean, aaauggh...," he said, pitifully sliding into the water as Emma swam past in the background.
"This is not a professional thing to do to us!" Emma growled.
Lindsay and Staci were shown swimming side by side clinging to a few pieces of driftwood, then looking to the side at the sound of someone coming up behind them. "One side! Coming through!" Axel shouted as she barged through them.
The camera followed Axel as she swam up to Tyler. Axel pushed him down and catapulted over out of the shot as Tyler sank in the water screaming "Hey!"
The shot cut back to Cameron, now flailing his arms as he struggled not to drown. "Get us wet, why don't you!" Noah said to himself as he quickly swam past the bubble boy.
Cameron finally sank below the water, but fortunately, the bubble boy resurfaced thanks to Alejandro holding him above his head. "No te preocupes! I've got you!" the latino said before moving forward.
"T-thanks!" Cameron said gratefully.
Dakota was relaxing on a lifeboat that she managed to find and a boat containing a camera taking paparazzi came over. "Hi, fellas! How ever did you find me?" Dakota asked.
"Uhh, we got your text?" one of them answered.
The scene zoomed out to Chris on the Dock of Shame watching the footage on a monitor. "For crying out loud!" he complained and then spoke to his headphones' mic. "Uninvited guests, over!"
Chef, who was dressed in a scuba diving outfit, surfaced in the water behind the boat the paparazzi were in. He placed a bomb on the side of the boat and sank underwater, leading Chris to press a button in order to set off the bomb.
The boat exploded and sent Dakota flying until she slammed into Cameron from behind, launching him forward as she was now sitting on top of a stumped Alejandro's hand.
Cameron, in turn, crashed into Emma, briefly forcing both of them into the water. "Please watch where you're going!" Emma sputtered and swam off, oblivious to the fact that Cameron didn't resurface like she did.
Staci sputtered as she struggled to stay afloat. "I wish my third uncle twice removed was here!" She sank briefly before coming back up. "He invented life preservers!" The compulsive liar sank again.
"Hang on!" Mike and Lindsay said, appearing out of nowhere and swimming to the girl.
"Uh, no, you first, please," Mike apologized.
"We should rescue her together," Lindsay offered. "She needs our help."
"Yeah, you're right," Mike agreed until the hand of Staci held onto his head for support, dragging him down.
Lindsay widened her eyes. "I'm coming to save you!" She dived down and got both Staci and Mike, the latter spitting out water while having his arms wrapped around Staci as Lindsay held Mike.
"Thanks. I owe you one," Mike smiled.
Confessional: Mike
Mike spun a toilet paper roll before looking at the camera. "Okay, my first confessional," he began. "My favorite hobby is theater and I'm part of a theater club back in my school, but I only work as a stage crew member rather than act out onstage. I want to have friends here, but I have this um... quirk," Mike added on sadly. "I just hope my condition doesn't ruin everything for me again." He sighed.
Confessional: Lindsay
"I can't believe I'm actually sitting inside the Total Drama confessional," Lindsay said as her eyes marveled around while she sprayed perfume on her body. "This is where people come in to either talk about their feelings or make a tinkle." The blonde girl gave off a shudder. "I would be so embarrassed if I was caught peeing in here in front of you guys, and I'm obviously way too smart to do that."
She moved the perfume to her face and due to forgetting to close her eyes, she sprayed them wide open, forcing her to drop the perfume and shriek.
Confessionals End
The footage resumed with a close-up of a pair of boots stepping onto the beach, the camera panning up and zooming out to show that they belonged to a rather wet Axel. She looked around, then smirked in victory. "First one on the dock!" she cheered. "That's what happens when- what..."
Her face dropped as she looked to her left, and the camera panned to show Dawn holding a starfish as she meditated on top of a rock completely dry.
"How did you make it here before me?" Axel asked. "You're not even wet!"
"Hmm? Oh, I used a shortcut!" Dawn explained.
Shawn was the next to shore, crawling out of the water. "Luckily, I didn't get attacked in the water," he said before falling on his face.
Confessional: Shawn
"I'm something of a conspiracy theorist," Shawn said. "I'm always wary of aliens, robots, ghosts, and worst of all, zombies! You never know if they're around, and I'm currently trying to prove that they're real. Heck, the other players may not be human and are actually plotting to attack me!" he panicked while holding his legs together.
Confessional Ends
Beardo and Cameron were the next to make it to dry land, the former walking up the beach with Cameron coughing while standing on top of his afro.
Confessional: Cameron
"I'm what's known as a 'Bubble-Boy'," Cameron explained, rubbing some lotion onto his hands as he began his confessional. "Growing up my mom was reeeeally overprotective, so I've never gone swimming before. Up until six hours ago, I've never done anything before! Except read, and sigh a lot..." He held his arm and sighed.
"But that doesn't mean I'm not a force to be reckoned with!" he declared confidently just as an orange butterfly flew over him and landed on the outhouse wall. "No way! Danaus plexippus?" he said in excitement, standing up as the butterfly started moving again. "The monarch butterfly?" It landed on his head...and with a sickening bone-crunch, Cameron started to tilt over. "Gaaah! Ooh, it's so heavy!" he cried in pain, falling over onto the seat under the butterfly's weight.
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to the beach, showing Shawn, Axel, Cameron, and Beardo loitering around a large rock further up the beach and revealing that Alejandro, Staci, Mike, and Lindsay had all made it to shore as well. While Alejandro was busy emptying one of his boots of water on a small rock in the foreground, the other three sat on a few moderately-sized rocks on the right alongside Dawn.
"Yah. And my great-great-great uncle Boris invented swimming!" Staci talked to the people next to her, unaware of them not really listening to her. "Before him, people just swung their arms around like this and sank to the bottom. And my great-great-great-great-great-great-"
"Yeah, that's great," Mike finally responded with a bit of slight exasperation.
They all looked back at the beach when a wave signaled that another person had washed up, and the camera showed it to be Tyler, who coughed out a small fish.
Confessional: Tyler
"So this is what being in the confessional is like," Tyler began as he took out his yo-yo and began to spin it around. "Might as well tell you guys about myself. I'm easy going and friendly enough as it is, but I am pretty strong," Tyler added on confidently. "My first piano lesson, I broke the piano by just touching it with my fingers. That's when I got into sports." His confessional ended by him hitting himself in the nose with his yo-yo.
Confessional Ends
"I feel really happy to be here!" Lindsay talked to Mike and Dawn. "I've watched all the seasons of Total Drama, and I knew they'd accept the prettiest contestant."
"Yes. You were pampered a lot as a child and spreading your positivity onto others has become your way of life," Dawn analyzed.
Lindsay felt shaken hearing that information. "Who even told you this? My family doesn't even know you."
"Your soul reads like an open book," Dawn said, now sitting cross legged. "Your childhood wasn't the best growing up at first." The moonchild then held Lindsay's palm. "It must have been difficult."
Lindsay immediately took her hand away. "Are you related to me or not?" the dumb blonde asked nervously.
"Attention, fresh meat!" Chris announced, the shot cutting to a pair of loudspeakers on a tree nearby, then panning down and right to show that all thirteen campers - including Dakota, Emma, and Noah – were now waiting around on the rocky beach. "See that trail leading into the forest?" the host continued, the camera following the contestants' gazes right as they looked at where the beach, trees, and rocks met. "Race to the end of the trail," Chris commanded, "and do not disturb the wildlife! That would be bad."
"Yeah!" Noah said mockingly, Tyler standing next to him. "None of us would want to upset the bunnies," he rolled his eyes.
"The tiniest sound can set them off," Chris continued. "Liiike...THIS!" He blew an airhorn over the intercom, forcing all thirteen campers to cover their ears.
The camera panned over to the distant treetops on the left, the airhorn fading in to a loud, terrifying roar that startled a flock of birds to flight. The music became tense as one tree was knocked over, then another closer to the beach. Finally, the cast screamed and fled into the woods with Cameron jumping onto Beardo's back as he ran by.
A clockwipe transitioned the footage ahead to an adorable little purplish bird singing on a branch...until a frog-like tongue snapped out of a hollow behind it and dragged the bird into darkness.
The camera panned down to a finish line, just as Tyler and Axel ran past it with the klutz in the lead. "Alright!" he said happily. "First place!"
"You only won because I went easy on you," Axel grumbled. "Next time, I won't."
"Whatever you say," Tyler replied, not losing his happy tone.
It was then that Chris rode up on a red ATV, his usual smile on his face. "Mr. Sporto, two steps left, you're on Team A," he directed, Tyler walking a few steps back towards the finish line. "Hard Soul, move right, you're on Team B," he told the survivalist, directing her to the right; she complied just as Alejandro crossed the finish line, skidding to a stop next to Tyler.
"Charming Latino," the host told him, pointing for him to stay where he was, "you're on Team A." Shawn slid in next, and looked around with wide eyes. "Nut Job, Team B," Chris told him.
"The perimeters should be checked, right?" Shawn asked, only to be knocked out of view by a skidding Beardo and fall to the floor with a thud.
"Human Beatbox, Team A," Chris told the human soundboard, who approved by making a tongue clicking sound. He turned around to show Cameron clinging on to the back of his shirt. "Bubble Boy, Team B."
"Okie dokie," Cameron said with a smile, dismounting off Beardo and running off to the right.
Lindsay and Mike arrived next, the blonde girl bending over to catch her breath and the spiky haired boy doing the same as well. "Lovable Lamebrain, Team B," Chris said.
"Hey, my brain is so not lame," Lindsay told him as she walked past.
"The Aura Whisperer, Team A," Chris continued over a shot of Mike getting startled upright by Dawn's arrival, which she did without visible movement of her legs. She gave him a perplexed look as the host added, "Plain and Average, Team B."
Mike ran off to the right with an annoyed look.
The camera zoomed out a little ways from Team A just as Dakota slid into view. "Princess Wannabe, Team A," the off-screen host said. "Prep Town, Team B," Chris continued as Emma arrived next; she fixed her scrunchie, then hurried off to the right.
"Egg Head, Team A," Chris directed as Noah arrived next, walking rather than running. As he joined his teammates, they all looked back towards the finish line, as Staci finally arrived nearly out-of-breath.
"My uncle Bill won the New York marathon four times because marathons were... first proposed by my great... great...," Staci panted repeatedly, collapsing on the ground with a groan.
"Aaand Chatty Staci, Team A," Chris finished with a smile.
"I should ask," Emma said. "What even was that thing back in the forest?"
"I'm pretty sure that cry does not belong to any known animal species," Cameron added in a fearful tone.
"Relax, it'll all make sense eventually," Chris explained, his impish smile quickly degenerating into long, evil laughter that caused the two teams – Cameron, Lindsay, Shawn, and Axel on the right; Dawn, Dakota, Beardo, Alejandro, and Tyler on the left – to stare at him and look at each other in awkward, nervous confusion.
Chris finally stopped laughing, and wiped a tear from his eye. "Now, this season of Total Drama will be a little bit different," he explained. "For example, in every episode, someone will be eliminated."
The campers gasped, and an ominous chant played in the background. "It's never been that hard before," Lindsay remarked in shock.
"I know," Chris told her with a smug grin, "I'm good. But since you're all first-timers, I'm gonna cut you a break and hide this bad boy somewhere in the campgrounds." He held up what appeared to be a small wooden carving of his head, and the shot cut in for a close-up. "A genu-ine McLean Brand Chris Head! Your free ticket back into the game!" The small carving was shown against a radiant white and blue background, an angelic chorus playing as images of Chef Hatchet dressed in a lavender leotard and tutu, angel wings, and a halo flew into the corners of the screen while holding harps and singing.
"Even if your teammates vote you off," he added as Beardo and Alejandro were shown staring with wide eyes, "whoever finds it," Chris continued over a shot of Emma, Mike, Cameron, and Lindsay also watching with wide eyes, "will become the most powerful player in Total Drama history!" Both Staci and Noah, the former having gotten up, were shown smiling in awe.
The angelic chorus ended as Chris brought the statue in for a closer look. "Is the cleft on my chin really that big?" he asked in concern.
"It's even bigger from a technical viewpoint," Alejandro answered, earning an annoyed glare from the host.
"Moving on," Chris said forcefully, "time for the team names!"
"I have one!" Tyler immediately piped up. "How about Team Extreme?"
"Great suggestion, Tyler," Chris told him, "but, names have already been chosen by moi. Team A, you shall henceforth be known as, the Toxic Rats!" A short but energetic riff played as the screen switched to a green, red, and yellow starburst-patterned background, a green logo spinning up to the front. It bore the image of a six-limbed rat standing up on its hindlegs and bearing its teeth menacingly.
Staci, Noah, Dawn, Dakota, Beardo, Alejandro, and Tyler stared blankly for a moment before Tyler smiled and said "Killer!"
"And Team B," Chris continued, turning his head to the other six, "you are hereby dubbed, the Mutant Maggots!" A different energetic theme played as a teal, yellow, and orange sunburst-patterned background took over the screen, and a red logo spun up to the front. This one depicted the head of a three-eyed maggot, its mouth frozen in a gaping hiss.
Emma, Mike, Cameron, Lindsay, Shawn, and Axel stared blankly for a second as well, then moved their eyes to Mike as he spoke up. "Um, what's with all the references to chemical waste?" he asked.
The perspective switched to a group shot as another loud roar shook the area. "It's the monster!" Cameron shouted in terror, making the others looked around in shock.
The shot cut to some distant trees, a flock of birds flying away as one fell, then the camera panned to the right as another closer tree fell. Lindsay, Mike, and Cameron gasped in fear, the former two quickly grabbing onto each other for comfort, and the camera zoomed in on a bush in front of the last fallen tree.
A small hairless squirrel with big yellow eyes jumped out and looked around.
"All this commotion over a squirrel?" Axel said in disbelief.
"Aww!" Dakota gushed...until it blinked sideways, and she cringed audibly.
"Oh my gosh! What's wrong with it?" Dawn asked from off-screen as the squirrel happily blinked and looked around some more.
"While we were gone," Chris explained, "I rented the island out to a nice family-oriented biohazardous waste disposal company." As he spoke, the camera cut to a pile of oil barrels stashed in and around a tree. All of the barrels had a hazard sign on them, and most were leaking some sort of foul bubbling green liquid. "Sweet people," the host remarked.
"But," he added as the focus cut back to him on his ATV, "the waste is having a teensy bit of an impact on the flora and fauna." The hairless squirrel was shown again, blinking as a monarch butterfly flew close to it. It snapped out its tongue like a frog, and swallowed the butterfly up.
"I must say, that's pretty juvenile!" Noah said as Staci and Dawn watched the squirrel.
"Weird," Dakota said, approaching it with a smile on her face and bending down. "I want one." She reached out to pet it, and it roared the same deep and terrifying roar that had scared them all earlier, then shot lightning from its eyes at the ground Dakota was standing on. The fame monger screamed and ran away, and the squirrel blew her a raspberry before hopping back into the bush.
Chris was laughing hysterically as the shot cut to Dakota in the arms of Tyler in fear. Dakota turned around and frowned, and Tyler simply smiled at the girl in his arms. The camera cut back to Chris as he stopped laughing, then in an elated and dramatic tone said "Most. Danger. Ev-er~!" as an equally sharp and dramatic tune played.
Confessional: Dakota
Dakota was shown to be sobbing. "Chris is the meanest ever!" She paused to look at herself in her mirror. "Hang on. Not too blotchy, okay, take two." After putting her mirror away and clearing her throat, she continued her sobbing.
Confessional Ends
"Now," Chris said with a wide smile as the scene cut back to him once again, "before we start our very first challenge of the season, let's give out some rewards. The Maggots get a trampoline!" The shot cut to a close-up of the trampoline, and moments later, Chef Hatchet bounced down upon it. "And the Rats get a hacksaw," Chris added, the shot cutting upwards to showing his glowering assistant holding the tool in question.
Chef suddenly lost his balance and fell with a crash; Noah laughed and had the hacksaw thrown at his head for it; and Axel laughed too, and in turn got crushed by the trampoline that was thrown at her, making her groan in pain.
"What do these items have to do with this bomb?" Chris asked, holding up a square of plastic explosives with a wireless timed detonator attached to it.
"Um, he won't really blow us up again, will he?" Mike nervously asked an equally nervous Lindsay.
"Won't I?" Chris said with a sly smile, leaning in between the two with the bomb. "Find out when we come back!"
(Commercial Break)
The episode resumed on a shot of two totem poles hanging from tree branches. The one on the left was a green-marked rat sitting on a toxic waste barrel; and the one on the right was a red-marked three-eyed maggot with a hazard sign on its base and a hatchet stuck in the bottom.
"Those, are your team totems," Chris explained, the shot panning down to show each team standing below their respective totem with the host roughly between them, the entire group standing in front of a river. "You need to cut 'em down, and get 'em in the river, and ride 'em back to the campgrounds," he explained. "First team there gets their pick of the cabins. But hurry! The totems are rigged with bombs that will explode if you don't plant 'em in front of your cabin in seven minutes or less," the shot zoomed in on the timer on the Rats' totem. "Starting now," Chris quickly added, and the timer began counting down from 7:00.
"No time to waste!" Axel said boisterously, jumping onto the trampoline that had been set-up under the Maggots' totem. However, rather than go straight up, she bounced off to the right with a startled cry and landed in the river.
"Stand back, guys. I'm on it!" Tyler announced excitedly as the focus moved to the other team, jumping onto the trunk of the tree the Rats' totem was hanging from. Staci and Dakota watched him climb in wary silence, then looked shocked when he slid back down almost immediately. "Slippery tree! Don't worry! I still got it!" he told his team, quickly climbing back up.
"It's too bad that my third cousin Jack isn't here to give us tips on bow-handed tree climbing," Staci told an uninterested Dakota while Alejandro walked over thinking.
Cameron examined the trampoline as the camera cut to the Maggots. "Okay, if Axel hits the center of the trampoline with fifty pounds of pressure per square inch-"
Emma walked past Cameron. "Let me do this. I have a trampoline back home."
"But I calculated for Axel's weight!" Cameron tried to tell her.
Standing on a rock, Emma jumped onto the trampoline. The preppy girl slammed right up into the base of the totem face first and nowhere near the ax. She fell down to the trampoline, which bounced her back up, and caused her to slam into it with her back before falling again. The team watched in growing discomfort as Emma repeatedly hit the trampoline and the totem back and forth. After a few more collisions, Axel pulled the trampoline out from under Emma before she could hit it again. Instead of bouncing on the trampoline once more, Emma's body crashed on the ground.
Confessional: Emma
"So it's safe to say that I go into things without thinking through it," Emma confessed sheepishly. "To be fair, I usually practice my jumps on my own trampoline, so I thought I was able to reach the totem with my own personal skills."
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to another shot of the Rats' totem, Tyler grunting as he continued to climb up the trunk, and nearly reached the branch the totem was hanging from.
"Well, if that sportstar can't climb it," Noah said, the camera cutting back down to the forest floor where he, Beardo, Dawn, Dakota, and Staci were looking up, "then I don't think any of us are gonna be able to."
"We must do something," Dawn countered. "The other team is taking the lead!"
"That is where my plan comes in," Alejandro said as he dragged a long, flat log in from the left. "We can launch ourselves into the air and stack each other up," the latino boy finished as he set the log down on a rock.
"This reminds me of my-" Staci opened up before her arm was grabbed by Alejandro, giving the team a sigh of relief.
"So you want me to stand over by the tree?" Staci asked with curiosity. "Okay."
"As long as we don't have to hear her dribble, I'm okay with being on top of her," Noah whispered to Beardo.
Confessional: Noah
"I live in a house with eight older brothers," Noah explained in the confessional, "and while they can be irritatingly annoying, I'd stick with them over our resident blabbermouth."
Confessional Ends
The next scene showed Shawn now standing on the large rock that was behind their team.
"Time to shine," Shawn announced. He jumped down onto the trampoline, then straight up to the totem pole. The conspiracy nut grabbed onto the hatchet buried in the wooden carving and tried to pull it free, but it didn't budge. "How is this stuck in here so deep?" he grunted, swinging his legs around so he wouldn't fall.
"Wow is this guy sucking," Axel said, the camera panning down to her and the rest of the Maggots looking up.
"Just give him a chance, please," Emma advised the survivalist.
"Aw, man! This isn't working!" Mike griped until he suddenly inhaled deeply and as he let the breath out, he closed one eye, curled his lips inward and put a hand on his lower back. "Darnit!" he exclaimed in a grumpier, elderly-sounding voice. "Cut the danged rope already!"
"That's what we're trying to do, Mike," Emma reminded the theater boy.
"Mike? Name's Chester, missy," the old man introduced himself.
"Chester?" Lindsay asked while Emma stood bewildered. "I thought your name was Mitch."
Confessional: Lindsay
"What's with Mark acting like an old man?" Lindsay spoke to the camera with a tinkling sound being heard. "And calling himself Chandler? He's a nice guy, but he's acting strange." She looked down and gasped at the realization that her peeing in the toilet was being recorded.
Confessional Ends
"Okay," Alejandro said, adjusting the long, flattish log that had been propped up on a moderately sized rock like a seesaw, "Noah, you're next." He stood up and reached off-screen to the right, pulling the bookworm into view and leading him onto the lower end of the log.
"Fine," Noah sighed in annoyance as Alejandro ran off to the left. He met up with Beardo who was waiting by the high-end of the seesaw, and motioned for the beatboxer to jump.
Beardo jumped onto the high end with a spring sound out of his mouth, his weight causing Noah to catapult into the air with a shout.
He landed with a grunt on Tyler's shoulders. "Sweet landing, guy!" Tyler complimented.
"We have to keep the human tower steady!" Noah said until a Wilhelm Scream caught their attention, the camera panned back up just as Beardo landed on Noah's shoulders.
"How are you even doing that?" Tyler asked the human soundboard in astonishment.
Confessional: Beardo
"Whenever I'm around others, I rarely, if ever, open up to them," Beardo confessed. "Making these sound effects would be a good way to make myself interesting."
Confessional Ends
The challenge music resumed as the shot cut back to Shawn hanging from the hatchet, still trying to pull it out. Just then, a hairless squirrel emerged from a hole in the trunk with an annoyed chitter.
"Go away, squirrel!" Shawn shouted at the critter. "We're not trying to upset you!" The squirrel proceeded to roar at the theorist's face, much to his fright.
"Back in my day, we didn't need fancy saws and axes to cut ropes," Chester said as he tossed a rock up and down. "We did just fine with stones!"
Chester then threw the rock at the squirrel, who seemed to take offense to that, and its eyes began to glow red. It suddenly shot eye-lasers down at the old man, who ran away with a yelp.
Alejandro front flipped on the seesaw's high end, and catapulted a meditating Dawn into the air. She landed gracefully on Beardo's shoulder, much to her teammate's surprise.
"We only need one more person," Tyler said. "Dakota?"
The camera cut to the fame monger, who was kneeling on a log and posing as her paparazzi were taking pictures of her in the background while in an ATV.
A tree was sawed off and separated the paparazzi from Dakota, startling her and breaking her posture. She saw Chris in a lumberjack hat running on top of the tree with a chainsaw.
"TIMBEEEERRRR!!!" the host bellowed out. "No time for photo ops, Dakota!"
"I wasn't even finished," Dakota protested.
The hairless squirrel was still attempting to zap the five grounded Maggots, forcing them to run around in terror.
The shot cut back to Shawn hanging from the hatchet, the chipmunk turning its attention to him. "Don't zap me!" he begged when the squirrel started shooting beams at him. He dodged the blasts until one hit the ax, bounced off, and cut through the branch holding up the totem, sending it and Shawn crashing to the ground and on top of the trampoline.
The team stopped running and cheered after Shawn landed. "Now that we have our totem, let's get moving!" Shawn instructed.
"You must get on now!" Alejandro hastily ordered as he dragged Dakota by the arm.
"Take it easy!" Dakota said after being put on the lower end of the log.
"Only three minutes left!" Dawn warned as Dakota was launched onto her shoulders with a scream.
"Saw the ropes!" Dawn told the heiress and gave her the chainsaw.
"We don't have much time left!" Tyler said.
"Got it," Dakota listened and sawed through the rope holding up their totem. "There!" A few seconds later, the totem landed on the ground.
"Your plan worked out well enough, Al!" Noah congratulated Alejandro insincerely.
Unbeknownst to the team, Alejandro briefly shivered, but shook it off in an attempt to smile charmingly.
The challenge music resumed over a shot of the rocky river, whoops and shouts of excitement coming from upstream. The camera panned up just as the Mutant Maggots floated by on their totem – Axel at the head followed by Shawn, Emma, Cameron, Chester, and Lindsay on the end. The Toxic Rats floated by soon after, Beardo in front, followed by Dawn, Noah, Alejandro, Tyler, Dakota, and Staci in back.
"They're gaining on us!" Axel shouted in alarm after looking back.
"We have bigger problems ahead of us right now," Shawn said, pointing forward.
The perspective briefly switched to reveal that the river they were on was heading over a cliff, and the Maggots gasped. "My first waterfall!" Cameron cheered.
"And maybe our last!" Chester panicked.
The shot zoomed out to show the top of the waterfall, the six screaming teenagers shooting over it on their totem pole and falling into the forest below. Unseen branches snapped as they plummeted, but the camera cut to the ground just in time to show them landing on the shore of the waterfall's basin on the broadside of the totem pole, and after a bounce that jostled Lindsay from her seat, they began to slide down a hill.
"WAAAAAAH!" Lindsay screamed, hanging on to the back of the fast-moving pole with only her hands.
"Ah, kids today and their crazy log rides," Chester said.
"HELP!" Lindsay shouted for her life.
Chester turned around, and the sight of Lindsay in danger caused him to inhale and revert back to Mike. "Lindsay?" He caught sight of the girl hanging on. "Lindsay! Hang on tight!" He quickly grabbed her arm and pulled her back onto the totem.
Lindsay now had her arms wrapped around Mike. "Thanks for rescuing me, Miles!" she said bubbly.
"No problem, and it's Mike," Mike casually replied.
Back at the top of the waterfall, the Toxic Rats shot out into the air with screams of their own. As with their rivals, the sound of crashing branches preceded the thud of their landing, and they whooped and cheered as the camera cut to them sliding down the hill.
Beardo looked back and made an arm gesture to the front. "Beardo says we should lean forward!" Dawn said, and the team promptly did so.
"Yeah!" Staci began to talk, the shot zooming back out to show the Rats passing the Maggots. "My great-great-great-great second Aunt Mary invented log riding, and she-"
"We don't care!!" the Rats shouted at Staci.
"Now they're in front of us!" Emma shouted in alarm.
"We have to lean as well!" Cameron commanded, and the six leaned forward.
The scene moved to Chris and Chef, lounging in short white deck chairs outside of the cabins – the one on the right looked just as it had in season one, but the one on the left had been replaced by what looked like a larger and much fancier two-and-a-half-story house.
"Ahh, feels good to be back," Chris said, leaning back in his chair while Chef read a book.
The sound of panting prompted the camera to pan to the right, and none other than Geoff ran up. "Yo, Chris," he said. "The boat isn't stopping for some reason!"
"Oh look, it's former player Geoff," Chris told the camera, "who's not competing this year!"
"So I swam back over here to-" Geoff paused, then widened his eyes in realization. "What?! We're not competing?!"
"I'm afraid you and the other 'classic players' have outlived your usefulness," Chris explained. He briefly looked at the camera, then added "Chef?"
The hulking man stepped forward and planted a bomb similar to the ones on the totem poles on Geoff's chest.
Geoff screamed in growing horror as the light on the bomb began to blink. He turned and fled, but the host smiled impishly and eyed the button on his remote.
The scene cut to a long-distance view of the thousand-foot-high cliff as Geoff's screams were followed by an explosion that launched him into the air, visible even from afar.
Chris and Chef were laughing hysterically as the shot cut back to them, but they stopped as soon as they heard the laughs and cheers of a team approaching from the forest. The camera cut to the foot of a hill on the edge of the woods as the totem bearing the Mutant Maggots slid down, and came to a stop just before the host and cook as a victorious tune played.
"Yes! We're first!" Shawn cheered in celebration.
"Tick tock," Chris told them, tapping on his watch. The bomb's timer was shown counting down from 0:15 to 0:14, and the camera panned back up to a nervous Emma and Cameron.
"We have to grab the better cabin now!" Emma commanded, and the shot cut to the two cabins – a flat stump occupying the area between them – as the six teens carried their massive totem over their heads, grunting with the effort.
They managed to place it upright on the stump, and the timer stopped at 0:05 seconds. As it flashed and beeped, the Maggots cheered for their victory...that is, until the sound of approaching screams caught their attention.
The music turned tense again as the Rats finally arrived at the bottom of the hill, hitting a small bump in just the right way to send their totem flying into the air. All seven fell off it, and to the mute shock of Chris and Chef, it crashed into the second story of the better cabin. The timer on it counted down from 0:03, to 0:02, to 0:01.
The explosion that followed blew the entire two-and-a-half-story building apart, leaving behind nothing but smoke and splintered boards.
"Too bad," Chris told the Mutant Maggots as the camera panned right to the six shocked teens standing around their totem pole. "It had an eight-person hot tub and air conditioning!" They all groaned in disappointment.
"That just makes it worse!" Emma moaned.
Chris gave her a look of amusement and smiled. "Look on the bright side," he said. "As the first team to arrive, you guys win the first challenge!" They cheered and celebrated their victory.
"So where are we gonna sleep?" Axel asked the host after they finished celebrating.
"No worries," Chris told her as the sound of a helicopter rose up nearby. "We've got a back-up cabin for you. It's every bit as nice as the one you lost." As he spoke, the show's red helicopter was shown bringing in the cabin in question and lowering it into the scattered rubble of the old one...revealing that the new one was basically identical to the older model the Rats had gotten stuck with.
The Maggots groaned again as it landed on the ground and one of its doors fell off its hinges.
"Team Rat," Chris told them as the camera panned back to them, "I'll see you at the campfire for the first elimination ceremony of the season." He laughed, then high-fived Chef.
The seven losers grudgingly made their way to their new abode. "Well, it's better than nothing," Noah said.
The camera focused in on Staci at the back of the group as she opened her mouth. "Yah. My great-great-great uncle James invented log cabins! Before him, people had to sleep in the trees. And they kept falling out all the time. And my great-great-great-great-great aunt Phyllis invented roofs, and before her, houses were just walls and furniture. And every time it rained, you had to get a new sofa."
As Staci talked once more about her family, she was completely oblivious to the glares she was receiving from her teammates.
The footage skipped ahead with a dramatic beat, a full moon now shining over Camp Wawanakwa.
"The votes are cast," Chris said as the camera panned down to the campfire pit, the seven members of the Toxic Rats sitting among the eleven stump seats – Staci and Dakota in the front row on the far right; and Alejandro, Tyler, Noah, Dawn, and Beardo taking up the entire back – and Chris in position at the oil drum podium. "Those who receive a regular marshmallow can stay. But this season," the shot cut in closer to the host as the faintest beginnings of the series' deep and tense elimination music played, "one player will receive a very special marshmallow. A marshmallow you do not wanna eat." Chef walked up, wearing a hazmat suit and carrying a thick metal box marked with a hazard symbol.
Chef flipped open the lid of the box, revealing a single marshmallow with a bright but sickly green glow to it. "Whoever gets the Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom," the host explained, "is out of the contest. Which means, you can't come back! Ev-er." He paused for a brief moment, then smiled and picked up the first normal marshmallow from the tray resting in front of him.
"The following players are safe," he announced. "Beardo," he tossed the first bit of white to the human soundboard, who caught his in his open mouth and began to chew it.
"Alejandro." The second was thrown to the handsome latino, who caught it in his hand satisfactorily.
"Noah." The bookworm caught it quickly and without flinching from his stern expression.
"Dawn." The moonchild caught her prize with a smile.
"And Tyler." The klutz got his next, though he failed to catch it and winced in pain as it bounced off his left eye.
"And the Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom goes to," Chris announced as the music began to rise. The camera cut to the back-right corner as Staci stiffened up and Dakota pressed buttons on her cellphone. As the tension in the music continued to build, close-ups of each girl were shown – first Staci, then Dakota. The Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom was shown glowing in a pair of tongs held by Chef, and finally the camera cut back to Chris as the music peaked and he said...
"Staci."
"Aww. But I was doing so good," the compulsive liar said as she stood up. The glowing marshmallow was tossed at her, but she backed away quickly and peeked down at the ground. A few dark notes played as the toxic sweet burned a hole into the stump she'd been sitting on. Staci sighed. "I guess it's the Dock of Shame for me then."
"Actually," Chris told her, "we came up with something new this season! You'll looove it."
The screen rotated around itself, the scene cutting to the torch-lit dock where, of all things, a large catapult had been set up. Staci was sitting warily in its bowl, while Chris and Chef watched nearby.
A short but grandiose fanfare played. "Say hello to the 'Hurl of Shame'!" Chris introduced excitedly, the series' sombre farewell tune beginning in the background. "Patent pending."
"Yah," Staci said as Chris walked past her to the catapult's lever. "Catapults were invented by my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-gre-" she was catapulted into the air, and she cried out as she hurled off into the distance over the lake.
"One down, twelve to go," Chris told the camera with a grin, the series' capstone theme starting up. "Who's next in line? Find out next time, right here, on Total! Drama! Rrrevenge of the Island!"
The camera jumped outward with each part of the title as usual, ending with a long-distance shot of Wawanakwa with the moon's broken reflection shimmering on the surface of the lake.
(Roll the Credits)
Staci - 13th
Mutant Maggots: Axel, Cameron, Emma, Lindsay, Mike, Shawn
Toxic Rats: Alejandro, Beardo, Dakota, Dawn, Noah, Tyler
Author's Note: Hope you enjoy this cast and given how stacked it is, I feel like using Staci as easy fodder made enough sense.
