Disclaimer: I don't own Helluva Boss
Title: The Snatcherrrrrr
Summary: Loona accidentally snags Bee's sweater over Sinsmas. This somehow snowballs.
...
It's an accident. A rager, really. Bee goes all out around Sinsmas, celebrating her powers and privilege. The floor is littered with cotton candy and nachos. The booze flows so heavily Loona finds trickles of it in random rooms. Vortex has the next day off for once, and she finally gets to see him let loose with a few extra drinks and a couple tokes. Loona doesn't have the next day off, and she's got two nosy as shit coworkers, so she keeps it toned down.
She wakes up in the early hours to Bee snoring next to her, Tex with an arm around her waist, and two damning realizations. One is that Blitz will notice if she doesn't get back in their apartment before the sun rises. The second is that she's gonna piss herself. Loona grabs what she assumes is her clothes and finds the nearest bathroom, tossing out a drunk hellhound sleeping around the almighty porcelain.
She gets home. She gets an extra hour or so. Normally, Blitz would clock her being gone so much, but he's been busy keeping Stolas from figuring out how to tie a noose. Loona realizes when she's pulling on her usual work gear that she's taken Bee's sweater. Bee hadn't gotten around to punching extra arm holes in it yet, so it's still standard hellhound wear. Creamy yellow with a tit window shaped like a heart.
Loona's kind of been hoping to see her in it, one of these days. Maybe. A little. Bee has good tits.
She throws her usual fare on and busies herself gathering a sincere fuckton of garbage food. She's never celebrated Gluttony before this year, but her new relationship has her feeling a bit festive. It's fun to eat when it reminds her of Bee's bright smile and Vortex's husky laugh.
Then there's the fight. Fuck's sake, the fight. Loona hasn't used that much magic in her entire life. She feels like shit. Gigi and Russ are on their way to save her from a truly terrible Sinsmas night, and she's so ready to get drunk it's not even funny. She considers the sweater again. It's soft and warm, and when she inhales she gets a nose full of Bee's calming scent.
Fuck it. It's Sinsmas. Loona wears the damn sweater. No one questions it, caught up in the euphoria of beer and Mammopoly. Loona notices Millie refuse to drink. Loona decides it's none of her fucking business, actually. She gets so hammered she almost forgets that Stolas has lost his daughter. She vaguely recalls getting up to smoke in the night to find him still standing there, cigarette in talon, staring out over the balcony.
She kind of knows what that's like.
(It was never a balcony. It was a broken bottle, or another hellhound's sharp teeth around her neck, or not eating for a few days. The easy options don't exist in the pound.)
Loona stumbles into the railing, lights her own smoke, and keeps him company for a bit. They don't really talk. They barely even know each other. It's just two strangers sharing a moment in the bustling metropolis of Sin City. Loona knows she isn't a therapist; knows she's got a sharp tongue and a mean right hook and a tongue that ties itself into knots. She's a people person as long as she doesn't have to actually communicate with them. Likes being around them, hates having to open her damn muzzle and stick her foot in it all the time.
"Did you ever hate him?" Stolas asks quietly. Loona blinks at him. "Your father. For... whatever."
Loona laughs drunkenly and does what she does best- not answer the fucking question. Getting into that whole mess was kind of what she was hoping to avoid. "She doesn't hate you, dumbass. She's seventeen. She's just gotta be angsty about it for a bit first."
"She should," he intones. "She will."
"Well, sure, with that fuckin' attitude." She peers at him a long moment. Loona doesn't know much about Stolas, but she knows he's fucking persistent. That's kind of what got them into this whole mess. "Since when do you give up on what you want?"
"Since when do you own sweaters?" he shoots back.
"Since I started eating the best pussy in hell," she replies, grinning wolfishly. It's something she'll regret saying in the morning. "C'mon. It's Sinsmas, fuckhead. Stop acting like a prude and celebrate your vices, or whatever."
Stolas stares out over the balcony a few moments longer. He flicks the cigarette away. "I suppose I could go for a drink."
She hopes she helped. Doubts it, though, when he pulls out a whole bottle of absinthe. Where did he even get that shit? That's expensive as fuck. It must show on her face, because he chuckles a little sardonically and lifts it like a cheers. "Stole it from the wreckage."
"Yasssssss, bitch," Loona crows, sounding so much like her girlfriend. "Let's go get fucked up!"
She doesn't remember anything else.
Loona returns the sweater at the new year's party. Beelzebub's house is in full swing; booze, drugs, a few rooms that stink mysteriously. Bee flits around wearing a neon pink cocktail dress covered in snakes and those shitty visors with the year 2025 spelled out on them. Loona's head starts to pound from the loud music, so she sneaks upstairs for some quiet time with Tex.
"Hey, baby," he purrs, bundling up to his massive chest. Tex's smile is sharp and toothy. "You happy to see me, or is there somethin' in your jacket?"
"Oh! Yeah." Loona unzips her hoodie to pull the thing out. She's washed and folded the sweater by now (she's a hellhound, not an animal), but there's still the tiniest sparkle of Bee's scent on it. "I grabbed this by accident."
He laughs a little. "You're lucky you got one Bee hasn't cannibalized."
Which is true. Loona's smile is wobbly with nerves as she sets it on the dresser. She's not really sure what the protocol is here- she's stolen clothes before, sure, but those were well and truly stolen, hidden in her pants as she was dropped off at yet another shelter. Giving back had never been part of it. "Woulda gotten some weird looks if I had holes in the sides."
"Just say it's a fashion statement."
"Damn, why didn't I think of that?" She turns around to see Vortex devesting- and she's seen him do that plenty of times by now, but there's a devious twinkle in his eyes. "Whatcha... doing?"
"Returnin' the favor," he answers, casually dropping the jacket on her head, and Loona's tail goes helter-skelter as the smell of it reaches her nostrils. He's got great cologne. Vortex winks. "Can't let Bee get all the fun."
"You just want me to reek of you," Loona shoots back, but she's not serious. Why would anyone want people to know she's theirs?
"Maybe I do!" Tex replies, shocking her. "Whatcha gonna do about it?"
Loona is too dazed to give a good response. "Fuck, I dunno. Wear it to work?"
"It's a deal," he says, gathering her back to him, and they get busy with something a little more important than a jacket.
So. She wears it to work.
It's stupid. She's stupid. Loona's been on pins and needles since the Sinsmas party, terrified Stolas will mention her comment to Blitz. Which is, in fact, also stupid, because he was drunker than she was by the end of the night. He probably doesn't even remember. Wearing Vortex's jacket will throw him off, maybe, so she does it.
The problem is that she's tiny, and Vortex is massive, and the damn thing hangs off her wiry frame.
The other problem is that she's got nosy ass coworkers who snicker at her every time she readjusts.
"Fuck. Off," she tells them sternly. Loona's not known to be a pushover at work, either; they know she means it.
"And ruin those purdy threads?" Millie hums, blinking at her innocously, and fuck, she's got her there. Vortex would probably not like getting it back with blood on it.
"I know how to wash shit!"
"Quit bein' a wet blanket. We're happy fer ya!" Millie's all smiles, the old bitch. "Young love is somethin' else."
Oh, it's just like her to throw the grandma gag in her face. "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna set this fucker on fire."
"We're supportive of you, really!" Moxxie chimes in. His smile is a little brittle around the edges, wary of inciting actual workplace violence. But the imp is, ultimately, a petty little shit. "I didn't think anyone was brave enough to put up with you."
"THAT'S IT," Loona decides, tying said jacket around her waist. "C'mere you cock-sucking-"
"That is workplace harassment! You're being biphobic, Loona!"
"I'll biphobic your fucking organs!"
"Heeeeeyyyyyy, gang!" Blitz says, rushing into the room to save Moxxie from an untimely fate. Stolas is wandering in behind him, feathers thoroughly ruffled, and Loona's nose is too strong for her to deal with this nonsense. She pinches her nostrils as her father casually wipes imaginary dust off his blazer. "What're we doin' in here?"
"Testing my damn patience," Loona grumbles, but it comes out nasally.
"Givin' Loona a ration of shit," Millie supplies gleefully.
"Well, stop it! Loona is perfect and doesn't deserve mockery!"
"I highly disagree, sir," Moxxie deadpans. Loona growls at him.
"We're just joshin' her about her lil boyfriend!" Millie claps her hands together, grinning. "I was startin' to think she'd never get laid!"
"Oh," says Stolas, scowling, and Loona feels ice slide down her spine as he squints at her. "You're not dating a woman?"
"I CAN DO BOTH," Loona cries. "BUT I AM DOING NEITHER, OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE LOVE IS STUPID."
"I've seen that jacket all ova Sinsta! You really tellin' me it's not that Vortex guys?" Millie seems more surprised than upset, like she didn't expect her to try and cover it up. She gestures to the offending garment. "Yer not exactly subtle, sweetie."
"It was a bet," she extrapolates, because it fucking was. "I stole Bee's sweater by accident and he got all, like, excited about it."
Moxxie coughs into a red fist. "Not helping!"
Loona opens her mouth to give him a piece of her mind, then stops. Blitz is staring at her, eyes wide, mouth agape. Her ears fall flat. "Um."
Stolas looks at her, her coworkers, Blitz, and then her again. "Oh! Was that a secret I wasn't supposed to know about? You told me-"
"I was drunk!"
"Well, yes. But the pictures all over Sinstagram..."
"Cute couple photos!" she argues. "That I just. Happened to be included in."
"Yer a real shit liar," Millie observes.
"OKAY," yells Blitz, shocking them all into silence. He points an angular finger into his office. "QUICK MEETING BETWEEN ME AND LOONA, LET'S GO RIGHT NOW."
He skitters into the other room like a raccoon. Feeling like she was handed a death sentence, she follows.
"Loona," Blitz says, once he's sat down and steepled his fingers. "Looney. Looney-Tunes. Light of my life-"
Loona, awkwardly cramped into the chair in front of his desk, snorts. "That's Stolas."
"We don't talk about that," he insists, and Loona can get that. Singing your heart out in public because you thought you were gonna die happens to have lasting consequences. Quieter, he adds, "And you are the light of my life. Stolas is... something else."
Your heart, she almost replies, but Loona has the sense not to correct him. "It's not a big deal, dad. Really."
"Are you pregnant?"
"Gross, no."
"Are you drinking again?"
"No more than usual," she promises.
He slumps a little, relieved. "Oh thank Satan." He made a circular motion with his finger. "How long has, uh... how long has the-"
"Stop," she begs, terrified to know what kind of weird metaphor Blitz was about to come up with. "Not long. Like... a few months?"
"When were you gonna tell me?"
"Um," Loona says, because never sounds pretty bad. "Eventually?"
"Fuck," he sighs, reading between the lines. Blitz starts to massage the bridge of his nose. "Loona, I just... I just worry, you know that, right? I can't stop you from living your life, I just... Barbie did so much shit because of those fucking drugs, and I did worse shit in college, and I don't want that for you."
Loona's been expecting this. Not the actual emotional honesty- that's a new aspect of Blitz- but the concern. Banging the Queen of Gluttony and the security guard of Verosika Mayday has unfortunate implications. "I'm not on drugs, dad, or drinking, or smoking, or... any of that shit. I haven't gotten wasted since Sinsmas, and before it was, like... forever."
The imp seems to get smaller and smaller as she talks. It's reassurance. He's not happy about it, obviously, but he's accepting that she's not doing anything crazy with them. "Okay, Looney," he says, soft, before pulling out his pistol, "but if either of them touch you, I'm blowin' their dicks off!"
Loona has had both of them touch her- quite a bit, actually- but she's not interested in getting in a tiff about it. She could absolutely hold Blitz back if she had to, she just... doesn't want to. "Sure, dad."
"You got me into shit with my dad," she tells Tex, handing off the jacket with a roll of her eyes. "He says if either of you touch me, he's gonna blow your dick off."
"Wouldn't be the first time!" Bee says chipperly, and there's a few questions she has about that. "You looked so hot in that pic, babe. You gotta wear his stuff more."
"And hers," Tex agrees, but his voice is high with nerves. Vortex could also hand Blitz his ass, they both know this, but the hellhound has been wary of him since the spring break situation. Something about crazy fuckers with guns.
"Yeah, yeah. Hey, I, uh, got ya something." Loona digs through her pockets. They're not big pockets. She's just stalling for time, terrified of being mocked. She eventually pulls out two spiked wristbands. "These are the only things I have that, like, fit both of you guys, so I thought-"
"Oh FUCK yes," Bee gushes, grabbing one. She cinches it around her top right wrist. "Make me yours, sour cream. Let's do it!"
"I'm not sure work'll let me wear this," Vortex admits, awkwardly trying to shove it past his thick ass fingers. Loona is, as always, amazed by how big her boyfriend really is. "But I'll make it work! Obviously."
"So, it's... cool?"
"It's great, baby!" Tex plops a kiss on her forehead. It's not romantic, but the affection warms her anyway. She's not used to being loved like this. "Remind me to bring my spare belt next time. It probably won't be too big for you!"
"Oh, I'm gonna drown you in my shirts." Bee wraps two arms around her and snuggles close, taking deep lung-fulls of her scent. Loona can't imagine she smells at that great- cigarettes and loneliness- but the Sin seems enamored nonetheless. "This was the best mistake ever, baby."
"Yeah," Loona agrees, letting her shoulders relax into them both. "I think so too."
Author's Note: For my friend, Cupcakes! They requested some Honeybunch- and, well, I'm a sucker for this ship. I think it's so cute.
-Mandaree1
