Old Wounds
The feelings of despair and loss, of grief and guilt— they were swirling inside his chest and threatening to overwhelm him. It was an intense pain in his heart that he never wanted to experience again, not after having to go through it once before when he had thought Valka had been taken to her death, and then again when he had thought Hiccup had died.
Now, Stoick was feeling it once more as he feared that his wife had left for good. He had been so careful to make her feel welcome and wanted. He was trying to help her adapt to a new life, the one they had been meant to share the past twenty years. He had been so gentle and careful, afraid to spook her and scare her off.
Stoick shook his head, knowing that all his actions, no matter how good the intentions, weren't making for a strong relationship with his wife. They had been having fun, reminiscing on the past, envisioning a picturesque future... meanwhile ignoring the old wounds that needed to be treated.
Stoick feared his wife deciding to leave them again because he couldn't make her happy. Hiccup was clearly struggling with something and Stoick had just yelled at him instead of trying to help, all because he feared his wife had left them for good again. It had been all too easy to put the blame on his son. And Valka... Stoick was pretty sure she wasn't confiding in him about how she was feeling about all of this. Their little family was still broken, and they had to dig deep and work to mend things before they could get better.
"Have you caught her scent, Skullcrusher?" Viking and dragon had been making laps around Berk, slowly increasing the area of their search. The massive dragon grunted at him, then veered to the right. It seemed as if Skullcrusher was on to something. "Good dragon."
They flew for a few tense minutes, Stoick practically holding his breath, hoping that they were on the right track and would find Valka. He wanted to at least talk to her before she decided if she was leaving for good. He wanted another chance so that they could try to be a family again, but they would do it right this time.
His heart started pounding as he saw a four-winged dragon and a small figure sitting together on a decent sized sea stack, just ahead. Stoick directed his dragon to land gently, so they wouldn't startle the pair. As they landed, he wasn't surprised to find that Cloudjumper was already aware of their presence, and so Valka likely was too, though she didn't turn around.
Without a word, Stoick walked up behind her and settled down next to her on the edge of the sea stack. She had her legs drawn to her chest and her arms folded atop her knees, looking out over the never ending ocean.
"I've been going about things in the wrong way." Stoick admitted quietly. Valka peered at him through the corner of her eye, but didn't react otherwise. Now that Stoick was this close, he could see that her eyes were watery and she was very upset. "I've been treating you like a delicate creature that will run if spooked, trying to keep you here, and that's selfish. I'm sorry."
"I didn't plan on ever hurting you again." Valka finally spoke, though her voice was soft and quiet. "I know you've been scared of me deciding to leave, I had every intention of staying and trying to earn back your trust, so that you could rely on me being here for you."
"Have things changed, then?" Stoick thought she was talking like she planned to change her mind and go.
"I don't know." Valka closed her eyes and held her head in her hands. "I don't think Hiccup wants me here, I don't want to hurt him either, but I already did and I don't know if I can fix it."
"What- what did he say?" Stoick wasn't sure if he wanted to know, exactly. It would hurt to hear what Hiccup had said to her, knowing that Stoick hadn't done anything to help the situation. He had made things so much worse for his son, who had been selflessly trying to help them.
"A lot of things... I provoked him." Valka admitted, appalled with how she had handled the situation. Thinking back, Hiccup had brought up some good points but she'd been too stubborn to listen to any of them. "He thinks I care about Cloudjumper and the dragons more than him."
Stoick didn't know what to say to that. He had honestly been surprised that Hiccup hadn't had more issues with Valka from the moment they had reunited, but Hiccup often surprised him and he was incredibly forgiving. Stoick could see how Hiccup could feel that way, sometimes he even felt that way too.
"Stoick, some of the things he said..." Valka finally turned to her husband, lowering her knees as she twisted to face him, leaning on the one arm that propped her up. "What happened to Hiccup? Why did he say that he used to have no one?"
Stoick sighed deeply. He knew all of this was going to come up eventually and honestly, it would have been better to talk about all of these things first, before trying to fix his relationship with Valka. What if she listened to what happened in the past, and it made all their progress pointless, because she took offense at how he had treated their son while she had been gone?
"I've been trying to figure it out." Valka looked thoughtful. "I know something big happened to change things for him, to cause people on Berk to have such a huge change of heart, to get through to you about dragons. I know that whatever happened caused Toothless to take Hiccup's leg and that it helped Astrid to come closer to him. I just, I don't know what big event caused all of that."
"It's my fault." Stoick finally admitted. He had a lot to confess when it came to Hiccup and he wasn't sure if Valka would love him when he was done telling her.
—
The walk to the cove was usually a very pleasant one, especially if Astrid was walking with Hiccup. This time, however, it was an unnerving one. She had tried to get Hiccup to talk, but he wouldn't respond to her. He looked down at the ground, watching his feet— both real and prosthetic— so he wouldn't get tripped up, allowing Astrid to hold his hand and lead him. Toothless followed from behind making concerned sounds and every now and then, nudging an unresponsive Hiccup. The walk to the cove never felt so long.
Once they finally arrived, Astrid was very careful about leading Hiccup inside the walls of the cove while Toothless soared down from a ledge.
Looking around, Astrid couldn't help the confused expression on her face. There was a doused fire pit, Hiccup's satchel of supplies, a single blanket, and one blind Hobblegrunt— wandering around like he was very familiar with the place. It looked like Hiccup had been staying there.
"Hiccup." Astrid turned to look at Hiccup's face, using her finger to lift his chin so he would look back at her. "Have you been camping out here?"
Hiccup tried to look away but she wouldn't let him. Finally, he nodded his head as an answer to her question.
"What? Why?" Astrid hadn't even known. "Why wouldn't you tell me?"
"...didn't want to worry you." Hiccup answered softly and Astrid didn't have the heart to be mad at him. She expected an explanation about why he had been camping out in the cove. She wanted to know what was going on in his head, she wanted him to confide in her so she could help him. But getting answers out of Hiccup was a daunting task.
She was going to get him to talk to her, but first, she was going to build a fire. Then they were going to sit next to it and get warm and cozy. After that, she would draw some answers out of him.
—
The silence was killing him. Stoick had finished telling Valka everything, about how he and Hiccup had drifted apart, how he had treated his son for so long, how Hiccup found his one and only friend in a Night Fury that he had felt the need to shoot down because of the expectations they had all set for him. He told her about Hiccup keeping Toothless a secret while going through dragon training, putting himself in an impossible situation. Stoick admitted how he had been so angry at Hiccup upon learning his secret and how he had... he had disowned his son. Yet, despite his actions, Hiccup had come flying in to save the day anyway, risking his life and losing a limb when Toothless had saved him. Since then, he had been doing everything he could to repair the relationship between himself and his son, and it seemed like he was still failing at that.
"We, we've failed our son in every way we possibly could." Valka finally spoke. She had been looking at the ground in front of her, not sure what to do about the story that her husband had just told her. She was trying to process everything at once and react to it all. "No wonder Hiccup and Toothless' bond is so strong. Stronger than mine and Cloudjumper's even, and I've been with him for longer."
"Hiccup deserves better, and only Toothless has ever managed to be the support that he needs." Stoick said, although a certain blonde woman was coming to mind. Astrid had become someone Hiccup could depend on too, quicker than anyone else who had tried.
"Is it wrong of me to feel a little relieved that I wasn't the only one to fail him?" Valka asked, timidly. "What is wrong with me, of course it is."
Stoick felt a slight twinge of amusement, but it didn't last long. "I tried not to judge you because I knew I had made just as many, if not more, mistakes." He looked at her with concern in his eyes. "You don't... you don't hate me for what I did to our son?"
"Hate you? How could I? You were at least here for him, I abandoned him, and he thinks I don't love him. You've tried to fix things and assure him that you do love him, and I, I don't know if I can assure him that I do, my actions say otherwise." Valka was feeling emotionally overwhelmed. She didn't know what to think or how to react anymore.
"I suppose the first thing we need to figure out is, if this is really what we want. Do we want to fix this together?" Stoick waited until Valka met his eyes. "We've been too occupied with wanting to have fun together that we blew right past all the important things. Hiccup is just as much a part of this family as the both of us are. We have to be a team and make him feel like he is part of this too. We can't be those love-struck kids we used to be, we have to be the responsible and loving parents, trying together to make this family work. Is that what you want?"
"Of course it is." Valka responded immediately and without hesitation. "Please don't think that I'm going to leave you two again, I wouldn't. I know I have to earn back your trust too, but I promise I'm here to stay."
"That's reassuring. I admit, I was stepping on eggshells, hoping to keep you here and afraid you would leave if I did something wrong." Stoick admitted with some chagrin. "I'll let you know if something is bothering me in the future."
"And I'll let you know if you do something wrong." Valka gave him a small, teasing smile and Stoick chuckled. "But I won't leave, if you do."
"Is there anything else that you need to get off your chest? Anything I can help with?" Stoick wanted to make sure everything was out in the open.
"Well, I've been trying to process the loss of my Bewilderbeast, and I admit that I let that get to me when I saw everyone hacking away at that giant tusk." Valka still hadn't admitted the things she had said to their son. "I was upset and I let that cloud my judgement. I yelled at Hiccup for working the dragons too hard and for building the dragon stables without talking to me about them. I didn't even get around to mentioning the use of the tusk before he snapped at me."
"Ah. Hiccup did talk to me about the stables and the tusk. I gave him the permission to move forward, with both things." Stoick informed her. "Hiccup did mention some reasons for not using the tusk, but it seemed too good of a resource to waste it."
Valka sighed miserably. "And I blamed him for everything. I suppose you're right though, it is a lot of ivory and Berk might go through a rough patch without it. You've always been better at making the hard calls than me. That's why you're the chief and I'm the coward who ran away."
"You're no coward, Valka." Stoick said firmly. "You have a strength that I came to depend on. When you were gone, it took me a long time to adjust to chiefing on my own. I still don't think I quite adjusted to you not being there, but it got easier when I started focusing more on Hiccup."
Valka put a hand on his massive arm and gave him a sweet smile. It wasn't long before it slipped from her face. "Hiccup was right, wasn't he? Berk is different than the nest and I'm trying to push my ways on him and the dragons. That's not the way. I have so much to apologize to him for."
"We both do." Stoick agreed before standing up. He extended a hand down to his wife, offering to help her up. She accepted his hand and was launched to her feet by her incredibly strong husband. "Let's go find Hiccup so we can make things right."
—
The sky was darkening as the day grew late. It wasn't that long of a flight back to Berk, but Stoick and Valka had been gone for a while and by the time they touched down in the middle of the village, it was evening.
Almost everyone was done working for the day, either at home resting or up in the Great Hall, eating and spending time with friends. The streets of Berk were more or less empty and lit only by the moon and the occasional torch.
"The house looked empty." Valka commented. "Unless he just didn't light a fire."
"Toothless would have." Stoick answered.
"Ah, there you are." Gobber's voice came from behind them. He had been conversing with Eret in the forge, watching the skies for the return of the chief and his wife. Eret had had a lot of questions about his new friend, Hiccup, and Gobber had answered them the best he could without being disrespectful to his favorite, former apprentice.
"Gobber." Stoick acknowledged his friend with slight surprise, not having seen anyone around. It made sense that his friend was nearby though, they had landed next to the forge after all. "I need to find Hiccup."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Gobber asked with slight suspicion and a whole lot of indignation on Hiccup's behalf.
"Why wouldn't it be? He's my son and I need to talk to him." Stoick glanced at his wife. "He's our son and we need to talk to him." He amended.
"I'm not so sure he wants to talk to either one of you." Gobber answered vaguely.
Stoick sighed, reminded of how badly he had messed up. "I need to speak to him. You know how things only get worse if Hiccup is left alone with his thoughts."
"He's not alone, Astrid and Toothless are with him." Gobber informed, then took on a grave tone. "Stoick, you didn't see him after you left. It was unnerving. He wouldn't speak. He didn't react to anything. Astrid had to lead him away."
"What do you mean?" Valka finally spoke, concern evident in her voice.
"I mean, well, I think you broke Hiccup." Gobber stated bluntly. Stoick and Valka exchanged looks of alarm. "I've never seen him like that before. I'd have expected him to storm off in anger, perhaps talk my ear off about how unfair he thinks you are, then maybe go for a long flight and disappear for a while, but he just stood there, looking straight ahead. I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. Toothless and Astrid couldn't get him to say anything or do anything. So Astrid took his hand and led him away."
"Oh gods." Valka looked upset and angry with herself. "What have we done?"
"Gobber, I need to know where Hiccup is." Stoick demanded with renewed determination.
"You know, Stoick. I think you were too harsh with Hiccup. You haven't been around, but that boy worked harder than anyone to rebuild Berk. He didn't deserve to be yelled at and humiliated so publicly. You should be proud of him, I know I am." Gobber had been feeling rather indignant since the incident earlier that day. Hiccup was a hard worker, he was selfless, and thoughtful. He had been through a lot lately and deserved respect. "When Hiccup becomes chief, he'll have my undying loyalty. Hel, he already has it."
"Gobber-" Stoick tried to get a word in.
"No! I'm not finished." Gobber's voice rose in volume as he let his frustrations out at his closest friend and chief. Not many people would talk to Chief Stoick the Vast in that way, but Gobber would if it meant getting through to his thick-skulled friend. "And you're not off the hook either!" Gobber pointed a hook hand at Valka who looked like she was more than ready to accept the reprimand. "Hiccup has always been a good kid, even if none of us used to acknowledge it, he's the kindest person I know. He grew into a fine, young man despite everything. It's no wonder he's so unwilling to see how good of a chief he could be. He's got it in his head that he can never live up to you, Stoick, but I think he has already surpassed you-"
"Gobber." Stoick said firmly, and Gobber realized he might have crossed a line. "You're right."
Valka set a supportive hand on her husband's arm. Gobber raised an eyebrow, expecting to have to put up with Stoick's infamous temper, that had admittedly become less common of a thing once he and Hiccup had started to get along better— not that they were getting along now.
"You're right. Hiccup is a better person than me. He's kinder, more agreeable, more understanding, and empathetic. He's a good listener and a great friend to all. He cares so much about everyone, even if they have all wronged him." Stoick admitted. "I wish I was half as forgiving and compassionate as he is."
"Ever thought of telling him that?" Gobber asked.
"I'd like to. If you would tell me where he is." Stoick gave his friend a look. They both cared deeply for Hiccup. The chief was glad that Hiccup had someone like Gobber on his side. There were no hard feelings between the old friends, and the look they exchanged said as much.
"Astrid led him into the woods. I'm sure they ended up at the cove." Gobber finally gave them an answer. Valka made to climb back on top of Cloudjumper, but was stopped by Stoick's hold on her hand.
"Thanks, Gobber. We intend to make things right." Stoick gave Gobber an appreciative nod before the blacksmith retreated back to the forge. Eret's silhouette could be seen, leaning back in a chair, just inside the forge, where he had a good view of everything that had happened. He hadn't wanted to take sides and get involved, although he would definitely be on Hiccup's side. Gobber took his place in the chair next to Eret and they continued their evening chat as they finished off their dinners.
"Aren't we going?" Valka asked in confusion, since Stoick had stopped her from mounting her dragon.
"Let's take a walk." Stoick, still holding his wife's hand, led her into the woods and in the direction of the cove.
"Stoick." Valka wanted to protest. Their son was hurting and she wanted to make amends.
"I don't think you know how flighty Hiccup can be." Stoick commented. "If we go flying in, he'll disappear before we even land."
"He does that a lot?" Valka asked, accepting the explanation and walking alongside her husband without anymore restraint.
"He- well..." Stoick wasn't sure exactly how to explain it. Hiccup could have deep conversations and it wasn't like he was against the idea of confronting people about things, that is if those things had built up enough for him to get fed up. However, there were certain instances where Hiccup would rather make a run for it than talk. "If Hiccup doesn't want to talk about something, he has a knack for slipping away."
"Why is that?" Valka was very curious about anything she could learn about her son. It seemed that he had a lot of habits and anxieties that stemmed from his lonely childhood. She felt a tightening in her chest at the thought. She should have been there for her son. She should have been supporting him and showing him how much he was loved.
"I don't understand why Hiccup does a lot of the things he does, though I try. I don't think I ever fully realized the extent of damage that was done to him, and whenever I try to get him to explain it to me, he tells me things are fine and makes his getaway. I don't think he likes talking about how things were for him back then, but I know it's eating at him." Stoick attempted to expand on the subject. "He also doesn't like talking about becoming chief."
"Everyone says he'll make a good chief someday. Well, everyone I've talked to." Valka hadn't done a lot of socializing lately. She had talked to some old friends and distant family members, then she had spent all of her time with Stoick.
"Hiccup also doesn't have a lot of confidence in himself. All those compliments go over his head, like he doesn't believe them to be true, no matter how much they're said." Stoick was feeling worse and worse as he thought of every observation he had made of his son in the last five years. He had noticed all of these things, yet hadn't done much to rectify them. "Gods, I'm the worst father ever."
"I'm the worst mother ever." Valka added. She couldn't exactly comfort her husband in saying that he hadn't been a bad father. He had done some damage to Hiccup, but so had she. They had both been terrible parents, but at least Stoick had made an effort to change on their son's behalf. Valka had never intended to return before running into Hiccup. "He really is amazing, though, isn't he? He's persevered through so much."
"He's strong, in his own way." Stoick agreed.
"I can't believe I wasn't here for any of what happened. I could have made things easier for him. Maybe he wouldn't have lost his leg and Berk could've still had peace with dragons, if I had been there to help him." Valka tried to imagine how things would have been if she had been there for Hiccup.
"We don't know that." Stoick sighed, not having much faith in his past self and how he would've reacted to both his wife and son conspiring with dragons behind his back. "It might've just torn our family apart anyway. I never listened to you when you said there had to be another way and I didn't listen to Hiccup when he tried to warn me."
"I feel like our family was always doomed to be this, fractured mess." There was a hint of frustration in her voice.
"I think our family was always meant to enact change." Stoick said with more optimism than his wife. "If it wasn't going to be you who did it, then it was going to be Hiccup. Or maybe even both of you. Either way, I'm the one who always made a mess of things. Without you two, I would be stuck in my ways and Berk wouldn't be what it is today. I would still be stubborn and too prideful to show the ones I love that I care. I'm still so bad at it."
"No, you're not bad at it." Valka let out a little laugh. "I was always able to read you. I knew that you loved me and I never doubted it. It was surprising to come back and see how open you've become. It proved to me how much you love our son, to let go of that Viking pride and show that vulnerable and loving side of yourself."
"What vulnerability? I'm a Viking." Stoick teased.
"Hmm, now that sounds like the old Stoick." Valka patted his arm with the hand that wasn't laced with his. "You've changed a lot. You're not the way I used to remember you, but I like who you are today. I still love you."
Stoick smiled at those words. "I told myself that I would be better, for Hiccup. I did okay for a while, but I've done nothing but mess things up and upset him in the past couple weeks. I'm falling back into my old ways. I don't know how much more he can take before he gives up on me completely."
"Would he? Hiccup was willing to give me another chance." Valka thought about it for a second. "I think I already used it up though, and I failed him yet again."
"Hiccup is very forgiving, more than he maybe should be." Stoick reassured, though he felt bad about it. "But I need to stop relying on his forgiveness and stop messing up to begin with."
The reunited couple walked on in silence for a few minutes, holding hands and thinking on their conversation and on Hiccup. They weren't sure what state they would find their son in, but it seemed evident that making amends wouldn't be so easy this time around.
It didn't take them that much longer to reach the opening in the cove. It was a fairly tight fit for Stoick, but he was able to make it through, Valka just behind him. Once they made it through the opening they found themselves behind a pile of large rocks.
There was an orange glow coming from the inside of the cove, Hiccup and Astrid had made a fire and it lit the area around the young couple, their dragons just behind them. The fire made the edges of the cove seem that much darker as it highlighted the area just around it. Stoick and Valka weren't visible to the group and the dragons only had attention for a distressed Hiccup.
Before Stoick could make himself known, Valka put a hand on his shoulder to indicate that he should wait. It looked as if they were about to interrupt a private moment and she hesitated to interfere and take the comforting atmosphere away from their son. The two waited, voices carrying easily throughout the cove and reaching their ears. It felt wrong to listen in, but they remained standing there in their indecision, awaiting the right moment to interrupt. It was all too easy to just stand there and listen, getting a rare insight into Hiccup's thoughts and feelings.
"I already told you, Astrid. Bringing these things up only ever hurts people..."
—
"You know, Hiccup..." Astrid had done what she'd planned. She had built a fire before it had gotten too dark. Then she had made Hiccup sit down next to it, she had grabbed the blanket, and the two had snuggled up together. Toothless, Heimdall, and Stormfly had readily joined them, creating a semi-circle of dragons around the two. Heimy had managed to claim the spot right next to Hiccup before Toothless could, and he was enjoying the scratches and pets as his head rested against Hiccup's leg. Toothless allowed Hiccup and Astrid to lean against his side. Though, once Hiccup had a much needed talk with Astrid, he would steal away all the attention and comfort his friend.
They had all remained in peaceful silence for a long while, Hiccup not seeming ready to speak up yet, but Astrid was thinking that it was about time that she tried to get a reaction out of him, she was getting worried. So, she decided to speak up first as she continued to hold him close and stroke his soft hair. "You can trust me, with anything you need to say."
"I trust you." Hiccup spoke up for the first time since they had sat down at the campfire. He said it quietly, but earnestly.
"Then talk to me, Hiccup. You're allowed to feel, it's okay. I'm not going to judge you for anything you say." Astrid continued to try and assure him. "I don't want you to keep letting things build up inside. We're to be married, you don't have to hide how you're really feeling from me."
Hiccup groaned and hid his face in her shoulder. He spoke, but his words were comically muffled in her clothes. "I know. I've been trying to open up to you more."
"I don't know how I understood that." Astrid smiled at Hiccup's behavior. Hiccup withdrew his face from her and rested his chin on her shoulder. "I must speak Hiccup."
"Very funny." Hiccup kissed her cheek. Astrid chuckled before moving Hiccup away from her and turning to face him.
"I know what you're doing." Astrid reprimanded. "And it almost worked because you're cute. But you can't distract me, I know how you work."
"I'm sorry that I'm so bad at opening up to you." Hiccup went back to his quiet, ashamed voice.
"You're not bad at it, Hiccup. We tell each other a lot of things, almost everything." Astrid grabbed his hand and held onto it in a show of support. "It's those feelings that you keep buried deep down and hold to that are hurting you so much. You're trying to push forward and act like there aren't these things that have been weighing you down for years, and I admire your strength and resolve, but it can't last forever. It's only hurting you, Hiccup. You can't keep ignoring these old wounds, you have to open them up and treat them. That's the only way you can heal properly."
"I don't want to open up old wounds, Astrid. I've done everything I can to put everything behind me and move on. I don't want what has happened in the past to control everything I do now. Dredging up the past won't do anything but cause more hurt. I hate holding grudges, letting things like that haunt me and consume my thoughts makes me feel so gross inside. Everything is best where it is, buried deep down and forgotten." Hiccup said more than he had since they had come to the cove, and Astrid resolved to get him to say more.
"But you haven't forgotten, have you?"
"...no." Hiccup sounded so broken.
"You don't have to hold grudges, Hiccup. That's not you. Just, tell me what's still bothering you and we can talk about it. Maybe facing these things is what you need in order to truly put it behind you. Burying them deep down isn't working, because they still have a hold on you, and whether or not you want them to influence how you feel and what you do, they very much are." She scooted closer to him, so he would feel more supported. "So, the first thing that comes to your mind— what's bothering you?"
Hiccup looked down and shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like this, he hated feeling trapped. He was itching to get up and run away, but this was Astrid. Sitting next to the fiercest warrior on Berk, trained dragon companions by their sides, surrounded by the cove walls— there wasn't a safer place he could be.
"You can do it. Just take your time." Astrid encouraged.
"Did you know that our friends had a bonfire for Snotlout and they didn't invite us?" Hiccup asked and Astrid tilted her head, she hadn't known. "I heard them, when I was walking here for the night."
"Our friends aren't always very thoughtful. They probably forgot, or assumed we were too busy." Astrid justified.
"No, that wasn't it." Hiccup looked saddened. "I heard them, Astrid. They think I'm a bad friend and a bad chief. They said as much."
"Because you reprimanded them for their actions? That's hardly fair." A fire of indignation was ignited in her but she took a deep breath. She needed to listen to Hiccup, not lose her temper.
"They don't like that I befriended Eret and they were saying things about you too, because you support me instead of them." Hiccup couldn't help the heat in his voice when he spoke this time; he hated that they dragged Astrid into the whole thing. It was his fault that they talked about her that way, too.
"It sounds like they're just complaining about petty things. I'm sure if we talk to them, we can clear things up." Astrid was used to the way their friends were. They weren't always sincere or kind, but they cared in their own way.
"No, that's not it. Astrid, I'm used to people tearing me down. I honestly should have seen it coming." Hiccup said, and Astrid did not like his words. "Maybe we were never really friends to begin with. It bothers me how hard I had to work to get them to be my friends in the first place. Is that how its supposed to be? Should I have to constantly be trying to make them happy so they'll continue to like me?"
"...no." Astrid answered, but it was hard to think that the others weren't Hiccup's friends, especially after all they had been through together.
"I became friends with Eret, and you know what? It came easily. He was nice to me without having any conditions. He didn't try to change me or get me to do things for him. I've never had a friendship like that before. It feels genuine. It makes me question if the others ever really saw me as a friend, especially with some of the things they said. And yet, they hate me more for becoming friends with Eret. I don't get it. I don't know what friendship is."
"You do." Astrid didn't know what to say about the others, she mostly had the urge to knock them around a bit for their selfishness, but she knew how to reassure him of one thing. "I think Toothless would agree that you know what friendship is." The Night Fury cooed in agreement from behind them. "You, Hiccup, are a great friend. You know how to be a good friend to others, I'm just sorry that not many people know how to be a good friend to you in return. I'm sure we can talk to them. If we tell the others how you feel-"
Hiccup was shaking his head. "I already told you, Astrid. Bringing these things up only ever hurts people. Everyone expected me to move on from how things were, so I did. I had to, otherwise they might have started hating me again. I was so ready to finally be accepted and I quickly learned that I had to let things go so that things could stay this way. I'm not about to bring all of this stuff back up, and show everyone how petty I am."
"You're not being petty, Hiccup. These things are still hurting you." Astrid was disappointed that Hiccup still saw himself as the problem.
"And if I bring them back up again? I'll be the one hurting everyone else." Hiccup's voice grew a little louder as he spoke with passion. "I won't ever be the cause of making someone else feel the way I used to feel. I won't do that to somebody."
"If people get offended because you tell them their past actions are still hurting you, then they are the problem, not you!" Astrid got carried away trying to convince him and she realized her mistake the moment she finished talking.
Hiccup turned away from her to look at the fire. This is what happened when he let the past get in the way, when he allowed everything to come to the surface. Everything was better left exactly where it was, buried deep down.
"I'm sorry." Astrid repressed a sigh. "I just hate it when you always assume that you're the problem. You're not. People have hurt you so much that, you're still hurting today." She scooted closer because he still wasn't looking at her. "Can you really blame me, for being defensive of you?"
Hiccup gave in and turned back to her, allowing his forehead to press against hers. "I guess not. Thank you, Astrid. For being the only person I can depend on."
"Am I really the only person you think you have?" Astrid didn't want Hiccup to feel so alone. "What about Gobber, or Eret, or... your parents?"
"I don't trust them like I trust you." Hiccup's breath hitched, but he managed to blink through the emotions that hit him.
"Who, your parents? They love you, Hiccup." Astrid knew that the people Hiccup had the biggest problem with right now was his parents. "I know today wasn't so great, but-"
"They don't." Hiccup said simply, utter belief in those two words. "They didn't even know that I've been sleeping in the cove every night so I can avoid them."
"That's why you've been staying here?"
"My mom is still staying in my room. Every night I go home, I can hear them talking by the fireplace. They're always so happy. Going inside... all I would be doing is ruining things for them. I've never seen my dad so happy and I don't want to take that away from him, because I've never been able to make him that happy. I can see the love he has for her, and I never saw that when he looked at me. I don't belong with them. I came along and everything fell apart. My dad got stuck with me and my mom was taken away."
"Hiccup..." Astrid hadn't known just how affected Hiccup was by his parents being reunited. She couldn't relate, her home life had always been so happy.
"I always wanted to know what it would be like, being part of a complete and loving family. I thought having a mom would fix everything, that having both parents would make home feel like an actual home. But, I hate it. It didn't fix anything. Now I just have two parents who are disappointed in me instead of just one."
Astrid listened, a feeling of uneasiness and horror sprouting in her gut. These were the real feelings Hiccup had been letting build up inside. These were the deep, dark, and hidden things he didn't want anyone else to know about, and they were finally coming to the surface. Hiccup looked haunted and resentful. She could see real despair and a broken soul. It hurt so much, to see the very real pain that he had been allowing to tear him apart.
"I think they were happy before, like they're happy together now... until I was born. I came along and ruined the whole dynamic. I ruined what they had. They were separated because they were trying to save me." Hiccup was growing more and more upset, no longer able to hide how he felt. "Astrid... things would have been better— they would have been happier— if I had been taken instead." That was when he broke, no longer able to keep his feelings held back.
"Hiccup, no. You wouldn't have survived." Astrid protested.
"No, I wouldn't have." Hiccup agreed and it chilled her that he seemed okay with it, his sadness turned to anger. "I don't have a place in that family. If I had been taken, they could have been together and they could have been happy. They'd have been rid of me. They could've had another, better son who would be everything they ever wanted and they could all be together and happy!"
"Please don't talk like that." Astrid hated everything he was saying. "What would I do without you?"
"You would be just fine without me. You were just fine without me. Astrid, you're talented and successful. You wouldn't even know what you were missing."
"Shut up, Hiccup." She said those words with such ferocity that Hiccup immediately obeyed. Did he not know how much he meant to her? What he had done for her? "Stop talking like that."
Hiccup swallowed hard and looked down, regretting letting everything slip out. He should have been more careful. "I told you... it's not a good idea to bring up the past. Just, just leave things how they are. I'll manage."
"No." Astrid closed her eyes and reprimanded herself for making honest and open Hiccup go scurrying away. "I'm sorry. I'm glad you opened up to me and told me how you feel. Even... even if I didn't like what you had to say. I just hate seeing you in so much pain. I didn't realize just how, how deep all these things cut through you."
Hiccup didn't say anything in response, he no longer knew what to say. He had let himself open up and say all the things he had been feeling for so long, and he regretted it.
"It's not true, Hiccup." Astrid took it upon herself to fill the silence. "I wouldn't be better off without you. I would be an obsessed, angry warrior. I used to be so tightly wound and I had no thoughts for anything but training and being the best. If it weren't for you, I would be alone and unhappy. I wouldn't have become who I am today. You, Hiccup, helped me become a better person. I am my best self when I'm with you."
Hiccup met her eyes and saw the sincerity in everything she said. He didn't know how he managed to end up with someone like her. She was the only one who could make him feel so loved and so special. His lip quivered. "I'm sorry if I scared you. Sometimes my thoughts, go to dark places. It doesn't mean I want any of that, it just sometimes feels like that's how things are."
"I don't think it is." Astrid wrapped an arm around Hiccup and leaned in close. "But, even if your home life isn't so great right now, it's not your only chance to be part of a complete and loving family."
"What do you mean?" Hiccup leaned into her too, letting a hand fall to her waist.
"I mean, we're getting married, Hiccup." Astrid kissed his cheek. "And someday we'll have a family of our own."
Hiccup turned his head to look her in the eye. The thought of marrying Astrid always made him feel happy and warm inside. He loved her, but that didn't mean he had given much thought to the idea of having a family of his own. It was an intimidating thought, but also a good one.
"You want that, right?" Astrid felt her cheeks warm up in a blush, she thought it would be a comforting thought for him.
"Of course I do. I just never really thought about it that way before." Hiccup smiled at her, feeling at peace for the first time that day.
"Like what?" Astrid smiled back, assured by his words that she hadn't said the wrong thing.
"That I have another chance to be a part of a loving family, just in a different way." Hiccup answered.
"I promise you, Hiccup. You'll get the family you've always wanted to be a part of, someday." She gave him a knowing smile, she was about to cause him to get all flustered, and that was always an amusing thing to see. "Maybe not in the way you always imagined, though. Because we would be the parents, and you would be the father."
She had been right. Hiccup ducked his head down and blushed, though he was smiling. Astrid was assured that they both wanted the same thing, that the idea of having a family together made them happy. She could see it on Hiccup's face, despite the blush. She couldn't help the soft chuckle that escaped her at his reaction.
"Do I amuse you?" Hiccup turned back to her, finally able to meet her eye without blushing again.
"Very much." She teased. "So easily flustered."
"You're so mean." Hiccup said in a loving voice that completely contradicted his words. He knew how much she enjoyed messing with him, and he honestly didn't mind. They teased each other, and it was all in good fun. "But I love you anyway."
"I love you, too." She moved so that she could be face-to-face with him again, his cheeks still slightly red. She leaned in for a kiss and Hiccup met her halfway. Astrid made him happy. She was his home, she was his family.
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A/N: I was thrilled by the response from the last chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! And thanks to everyone reading and following this story! I hope you're all prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that the next few chapters will bring.
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Review Responses:
JustANormalHTTYDFan: Toothless and Astrid are Hiccup's rock. They are what's keeping him going right now. It was about time that Hiccup let out all the feelings he's been bottling up. Along with Valka's return came a lot of past insecurities and unresolved issues.
Mr. P0P0: Yeah, it would have been better for Hiccup if things could have been discussed better between him and his parents. At least he does have Astrid and Toothless.
Romantica 123: I'm glad that you liked the chapter so much! It was emotional and there are a lot more emotional chapters to come. Stoick and Valka have a lot that they need to open their eyes to when it comes to their son. I hope you enjoyed this new chapter as well!
Silver Sentinel: Valka doesn't realize how different a lifestyle the dragons and Vikings of Berk share. It's not wrong, just different. It works for them. Stoick was afraid of losing his wife again and was angry to find that Hiccup was the one to make her leave, he didn't even bother to hear Hiccup's side of things. Everything seems to be falling apart for Hiccup, but at least he has Astrid and Toothless to make him feel better.
Jack the Dragon: Haha, that seems to be true. He did have a lot of things bottled up.
Yubel578: They all have a lot to make up for, and it's not going to be easy. Hiccup wouldn't leave Toothless and Astrid, they have, at least, remained loyal and supportive.
Whiskerface: I'm glad you liked the chapter! I agree, it was about time Hiccup stood up for himself and stopped being so passive. Valka's got a lot to learn about how things are on Berk. And Stoick needs to stop focusing only on his wife, Hiccup is part of their family too. It is sort of ridiculous how much Hiccup had to go through to bring dragons and Vikings together peacefully. His people have not made it easy on him and it's a wonder Hiccup didn't snap a long time ago. But it's all been building up inside. I did find Valka's excuse less than satisfactory. Granted she didn't have a choice to stay when she was taken away, but she could have returned to take care of her baby. A dragon she just met, or the baby she gave birth to? That seems an easy enough choice to make. It was a rather selfish decision to stay away. I would be interested in reading that AU, what was the title? I didn't like Heather when she first appeared in the show, but I quickly warmed up to her.
JakaPen: I've been imagining that scene between Hiccup and Valka for a while now. It was good to finally write it down. Hiccup has a lot of good reasons to be upset with his mom and I found it unrealistic, even for someone as forgiving as Hiccup, to just let it all go. Granted, the loss of his father in canon might have made it easier for him to want to have his mother closer to him. But Stoick survived in my AU! You're right, Valka hasn't done much to create peace between Vikings and dragons. She hid away and rescued dragons, that's all. You're also right that both Valka and Mala tried to force their ways on Hiccup and act like only their ways were the correct way. Stoick should give Hiccup's past actions more consideration, he keeps making the same mistakes. I'm glad you like how I write Eret. I like the idea of him becoming a close friend to Hiccup and his right hand man when he becomes chief. Thanks for the in-depth review! I love those.
Animation Adventures: I think Hiccup may have been more right than Valka during their argument. The dragons are free to roam, but not free to build nests on houses and roost wherever they please— thus the stables. Hiccup is also attentive enough not to overwork the dragons, just like he wouldn't overwork his people. However, from Valka's point of view, having lived with dragons for twenty years, she doesn't see things the same way. I hope you liked this new chapter! Thanks for being a consistent reviewer!
NightFuryFanfic: Thanks! I'm glad you liked the chapter!
oneofahiccup: Aw thanks! That's such a nice thing to hear. It makes me happy to hear how much you like the story. I appreciate the compliments!
Susanna D: Hey, thanks for the review! Sorry for the wait on the chapter, I hope you like this one too!
CHSHiccstrid: Oh hey! Thanks for reading all of my stories. I'm glad you enjoyed "Snoggletog Showdown," that's one of the stories I'm most proud of. I wrote it in a time crunch, and I happen to be working on a sequel! A new chapter of "Hiccup" should be out soonish. I hope you enjoyed this newest chapter, it is also full of angst and emotion. A lot of the stuff I write is, haha. I appreciate the reviews!
Jazmine Ashley: (The website keeps deleting your pen name when I type it out, so I wrote it differently. Sorry!) Thanks for following this story for so long! I appreciate it. I think Hiccup's past should have had a bigger impact on him in canon, so I'm writing it here. I hope you continue to like this fan fic!
animeArty: More emotions in this chapter too, and a lot more to come! Thanks for the compliments and the review!
KN Hudson: Hiccup knows what's best for the dragons on Berk, Valka could learn from him just as he could learn some things from her. Hiccup did need to get things off his chest in regards to his mother, and Stoick should understand how Valka leaving affected their son. Stoick continuing to mess up when it comes to Hiccup will eventually take a toll.
