A/N: Yahoo! Officially the greatest chapter ever, in my humble opinion. I could not stand to get in the way. Read on!

.

Kakuzu

Kakuzu, Itachi and Konan had their hands full that day. Konan wrote down a list of things that they had to keep track of. The list was very extensive. It included Tobi's quest, monitoring the dolls for changes, finding out what the hell had happened to the road, the originals, Nagato, possibly repairing said road, the demons… Kakuzu got the urge to throw up his hands and give up on trying to keep track of it all. But no. They were trying to be organized and disciplined, dammit.

"I cannot help," Itachi said, shaking his head. "This amount of topics will drive my mind into a frenzy, most likely paralyzing me. I can't think about it all."

"We'll pick one or two and assign you to them," Kakuzu said. "Do the originals seem to respect you?"

"Ah… I believe so. But they have not seen very much of me. They have seen that I am calmer and more articulate than other clones, but they might provoke my thoughts, and that could easily lead to negative outcomes. I only appear to be calmer than others. It would be better to send someone who actually is. Namely, Sasori."

"I second this," Konan said. "There is information I do not want them to learn yet. Itachi is at risk of accidentally sharing too much."

Kakuzu looked over the list that she had written. "Assign Sasori to dealing with the originals." He grabbed a pen from the new pen jar and wrote Sasori's name next to that entry. "Hmm… Yahiko's already 'assigned' himself to Tobi's quest." He wrote Yahiko's name next to that entry. "Perhaps assignments are a good idea. So then. Which of these concerns can we assign Itachi to?"

Konan tapped her fingers on the desk. "I would suggest monitoring the dolls. But his ability to perform that task is hampered by his current lack of association with them. Only Yahiko or Samehada can perform that task, I'm afraid."

"Yahiko's using them as part of the quest, so he might as well." Kakuzu wrote Yahiko's name next to that, too.

"May I suggest that I work with Nagato?"

Kakuzu and Konan thought about that. "You get along with him, don't you?" Kakuzu asked.

Itachi nodded. "In addition, he seems very confused. I can offer guidance."

"It seems ideal," Konan said.

"Except for one thing." They all looked at Kakuzu. He put the list on the desk and crossed his arms. "I said I wouldn't tell anyone about it, but it's relevant. Sasori suggested last night that we ask Original Nagato to help. He said, and this is nearly an exact quote, 'Problems so serious should be handled by people equally as serious. As comforting as we clones are, perhaps we're just not serious enough to make a dent.'"

Itachi's eyes widened. "Yes! That makes sense of things I have been confused about. If we add seriousness as a new dimension to understand group behavior by…" He traced lines in the air for a few seconds. "Yes. The group members that have tried and failed to help Nagato so far are not very serious in their methods. Indeed, their methods seem not to have even touched Nagato's immediate problems. He requires a combined approach. Something very straightforward and blunt might be just the thing."

"Add my name next to the originals, since they are my old companions," Konan told Kakuzu. "Itachi, as you say, it might be best to combine approaches. You can still be assigned to Nagato to handle the softer, subtler aspects. And it occurs to me that your perceptive abilities with the Sharingan are ideal not just for tracking the movements of living beings, but also materials. You could be useful in repairing the road. On that note, we'd best get moving. It's not wise to sit and plan for too long; the very things that you plan for might pass you by. I shall find out if Sasori has yet asked Nagato - the original, I mean - to help, and I will also track down Hidan - the original - and keep him out of trouble. Hmm. Itachi, if you could, please try to devise long-term strategies for keeping Original Hidan occupied. I cannot mind him forever."

Itachi bowed his head. "Understood. Shall I get in touch with Nagato now?"

"Yes. Kakuzu, continue to think of assignments and inform people of them." Konan dipped her head to them both, then headed for the back of the building.

Itachi went outside to make a phone call, leaving Kakuzu to get started on his tasks. Who else can be assigned to what… Hmm. Sasori would be best to negotiate with the demons, especially if they turn violent, but he works during the day. Hidan is immortal and I'm sure the demons wouldn't dare to touch him anyway, but he's still recovering. Who can I possibly assign to that? Skip it for now. Deidara reported possible vampire movement last night, so we'd better get in touch with them. Konan, obviously, should do that. With Stonemaker Jutsu, I'm the obvious choice for road repair. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to that. Since Sasori's so busy working, I can be the clone liaison to the originals when he's not around. Kakuzu was annoyed to feel a burst of happiness at that idea. And I am NOT deciding that for my own selfish reasons. Hmm. As the person who's known at least one version of Hidan the longest, why don't I try my hand at thinking up long term strategies? Let's see… What else is there… Oh, right. Obito and Zetsu. Let's forget about Zetsu for now; they'll come back when they're ready to. What to do with Obito in the meantime? He's never not had Zetsu around to mind him before. Is that something else that Yahiko's already assigned himself to do?

Kakuzu did what he could and posted it in the group chat, stating that the plans were only partial and of course needed extra work. He soon got a question. Can we assign ourselves to things? Deidara asked.

Knock yourself out. Less work for me. Just mention it here so we know about it.

Konan returned. From the feel of her aura, Kakuzu knew instantly that she something to report. "Sasori did in fact find time to mention his idea," Konan said in a grave voice. "Both versions of Nagato fought each other last night. That is the cause of the destruction. I suspected as such, because he informed me that he had intentions last night, but he did not provide specifics. It was his own clone that he was fighting, and the idea for it was Sasori's. Those are important details."

"Where the hell is our Nagato? Yahiko said he saw blood out there."

"Most likely, in his own bed. Original Nagato saw him home last night."

"That's probably why Itachi came back inside while I was thinking up assignments." Kakuzu relaxed. "Itachi will inform us if medical attention is needed."

"What do you have so far?"

.

Topics of Interest

Tobi's quest - Yahiko

Monitoring the dolls - Yahiko

Finding out what happened to the road - XX RESOLVED

The originals - Sasori, Konan, Kakuzu

Nagato - Itachi, Original Nagato

Repairing the road? - Kakuzu, Itachi?

The demons -

Obito - Yahiko

Zetsu

The vampires - Konan

Original Hidan - Itachi, Kakuzu

Madara?

.

Konan frowned. "I cannot help but notice that there are only a few group members assigned to most of the tasks. That is an inefficient use of personnel."

"It's only a start. Deidara asked if they could assign themselves to things. I said yes."

"Very well. I wonder if there is a way to keep a rotating list…"

"Old school or digital?"

"...Do you mean via physical writing or over cellphones?" Konan considered the question. "There are too many variables involved to make a quick decision."

"I'll make a poll." Kakuzu typed in the group chat, We're going to make a rotating list of tasks that need doing. Shall it be old school or digital? "Now we wait. There should be a definite conclusion by tonight."

"Excellent. I shall reach out to the vampires. Confirm that Itachi is with Nagato. Our version, I mean. The clone."

"Some kind of shorthand would be nice," Kakuzu muttered while firing off a quick text. Konan nodded in agreement, then went behind the desk and sat in the chair to send her own highly important texts. Kakuzu wondered where the dolls were. God fucking dammit. Our attempts to be organized are rickety as hell.

Kakuzu settled in to wait for Itachi's response, or tried to, but had barely begun to do so when he got a notification from the group chat. Yahiko had some questions. Is it right to put people's names on a group task list? I thought we weren't doing that anymore. Obito seems open to joining the group chat; should I add him? I'd also like to report that Hidan and his original ran into the woods to fight each other. Original Hidan said if he wasn't entertained, he would torment easily tormentable people, like Nagato and Obito, so we REALLY need to find something for him to do.

"Heads up," Kakuzu told Konan. "You don't need to mind Original Hidan right now. Our Hidan is fighting him in the woods. That's the good news. Bad news: Original Hidan has decided that if he can't have fun any other way, he's going to torment the weakest group members."

Konan sighed. She spent another minute finishing her message to Soye, then put her phone down on the desk. "That gives extra urgency to that task. But there is a problem: I do not have the faintest clue how to keep him occupied."

"You didn't get any clues from spending time with him yesterday?"

Konan narrowed her eyes. Clearly, she did not like being asked about something so personal. But she let it go this time. "I learned that his tastes are more flexible than previously believed. If spilling blood is for some reason not practical, he is willing to accept substitutes. But his flexibility has limits, and I do not know how long it can be maintained."

"The limits?"

"Some form of pain must be involved, and some form of injury."

"Why would a character that exists to cause injury be introduced to a story that's meant for healing…" Kakuzu muttered.

"Has Itachi replied to you yet?"

"No. Dammit. He might be occupied with something so important that he can't check notifications, or some unexpected X factor might have interfered. I don't feel like sitting around waiting to find out."

Konan rubbed her forehead like she was getting a headache. She probably was. She waved a hand to indicate he could go. Kakuzu thought their attempts at organization meant that he should ask after her plans. But he couldn't bring himself to do that to her. He left her to her moment of rest and went down the left hallway to Nagato's room.

Their spirited discussion was audible from the hallway. Kakuzu stopped to listen in. If he leaned toward the door and listened very hard, he could make out the words. "...with no ramifications. It's very relaxing," Itachi said.

"So I'm not weird. It's normal and healthy. Thank you."

"Yes, that is the short version of what I meant to say. My apologies."

"No, no, it's fine. That story was really interesting, actually."

"I probably should read the messages I got."

"I don't know if I want to hear anything…"

"Oh, Kakuzu wishes to make sure I'm with you. He says you might be injured. There is no problem. I'll tell him you're alright."

Kakuzu left before his phone could betray his presence. Sounds like Itachi's making progress on his task. What else to do? What next?

Those questions defined the day.

General

Konan wasn't the only one with a headache that afternoon. Although it was earlier than usual for a dinner meeting, every member of the group who was available spontaneously converged on each other's company. Kakuzu and Konan sat outside on the front lawn to rest and recuperate after their day of exhausting mental work. Itachi joined not long after, making one last report before collapsing. Deidara flew back from his shift and arrived around 4:50. He had bought supplies and intended to show them to Kakuzu, but decided not to when he saw their condition. Itachi requested shoulder rubs, so Deidara made himself busy providing shoulder rubs. He could not perform shoulder rubs very well because he couldn't use his palms, but Kakuzu would have accepted anything. That was how Sasori found them. The engineer stopped, stared, then resumed walking his bike over to its normal parking area. He came back to look closely at Konan. She met his gaze. Something was communicated between them. He sighed.

Hidan and his original joined in. "Ow fuck this was a bad idea," Hidan exclaimed, gripping his head. "Fuck fuck shit."

"No shit?" Original Hidan asked. "Wow. What shitty powers. Sucks to be you."

Hidan walked away growling under his breath. Original Hidan sat with the group. "No harming anyone," Kakuzu snapped.

Original Hidan hissed. "What, I'm not allowed to sit down?"

"Harming people is not all he does," Konan said. She sat leaning against a spindly tree on the edge of the grass. It was obvious to all that she would have been lying down instead if she had not possessed a ninja's need to maintain control. She looked as if she was being forced against her will to keep her eyes open.

Kakuzu shrugged and left Original Hidan alone. Original Hidan looked around. "Was there a battle while I was away?"

"Only a battle for our collective sanity," Itachi replied. He lay flat on his belly with his eyes closed, occasionally receiving shoulder rubs from Deidara. "So much thinking. So much planning."

"Oh dear sweet jesus," Sasori murmured. "The amount of chat I have to scroll through is ridiculous. I was right to silence my notifications."

"It's kinda cool that we're trying to be more organized, but maybe we should ease off a bit?" Deidara said.

"Yes, we should," Itachi agreed.

"Not gonna happen," Kakuzu said. He was neither agreeing nor disagreeing, merely stating a fact.

"Indeed." Itachi yawned.

"That's why I don't do this shit," Original Hidan chirped. "Why do you fuckers even bother?"

"We are trying to be an actual organized group," Kakuzu growled.

"Just sit back and let the gods handle everything, since they're so goddamned involved."

"That's not sufficient. We've tried that, and it has sloppy results."

"You're not doing it right." Original Hidan picked up a bit of twig and flicked it at Kakuzu. Kakuzu reflexively caught it and threw it somewhere else.

Itachi opened his eyes a little. "Make no mistake, Hidan. You are valued here. We only need to find the best place for you to fit."

Deidara pressed the heels of his hands into Kakuzu's shoulder blades and worked them downwards. "Eh…"

"Take Itachi's word for it," Kakuzu advised.

Konan sighed and let her eyes fall closed. "Let's not speak any more."

Original Hidan threw small rocks and bits of twig at everyone except Konan. Itachi let them bounce off. Deidara batted them away with the backs of his hands. Sasori moved out of range. Kakuzu threw them back. The two of them ended up in a throwing contest. It reminded Kakuzu of games he had played with Clone Hidan when the younger man was only a child.

The game ended when the other two originals appeared. "What is this?" Original Nagato asked.

"Resting," Kakuzu replied.

"Trying to be organized does not come easily," Sasori added.

"Weren't you creating a task list?" Original Yahiko asked.

"And actually trying to complete the tasks on it, and coordinating who goes where," Kakuzu replied. "Have you ever heard the phrase 'herding cats'?"

"Hey!"

"He was not referencing you, Hidan," Itachi said. He stared blankly at the grass just beyond his nose. "'Herding cats' is an expression used to describe coordinating a group of unruly, opinionated people who keep trying to do separate things."

Original Nagato looked around. "I thought I heard that your version of this group was very coordinated."

Sasori looked up from his phone. "We mostly like and dislike the same things. We're coordinated in the sense that we rarely have infighting over how to react to events. But if there's nothing to react to…"

"It's not like we don't want to get along, we just keep forgetting to update each other on plans and stuff," Deidara said.

Kakuzu groaned. "That's right, I forgot to follow up on the dolls. Hopefully someone finds them at some point."

"Isn't Yahiko on that? Where is he, anyway, yeah?"

"He went questing with Tobi and brought them along," Itachi murmured. "Who knows how long that will take."

"Me and Other Me met him. He's working with Other Tobi to put the shit they gathered together," Original Hidan said.

"Ah. He must have forgotten to mention it."

Kakuzu leaned forward, away from Deidara's fingers, and stretched his arms. "I have the feeling there's something important that we're missing. I'll probably realize what it is tomorrow."

"This is suboptimal," Original Nagato said quietly. Kakuzu realized he'd firmly placed himself in the lesser, weaker group. He reflexively restrained his chakra as part of keeping himself from flying into a rage.

"Hence why we are attempting to make and maintain a task list," Konan replied.

"I bought some things to help with that, yeah," Deidara announced. He had moved back to Itachi.

"Is such a degree of forgetfulness common in this world?"

"No," Sasori answered. He didn't say anything more. Itachi admired his restraint, or perhaps his lack of compulsions.

Original Yahiko cleared his throat. "What are some of the tasks on your list?"

Kakuzu squeezed his eyes shut. His desire to impress the originals warred with his desire to not #$&^$#ing think about that #$*^& list anymore. He settled for taking the paper copy from his pocket and holding it out.

Original Yahiko took it. He and Original Nagato read it. "Vampires," Original Nagato murmured.

"Demons?" Original Yahiko asked. "They are allied, aren't they?"

"After bringing people back from the fucking dead, we're a lot more questionable in their eyes," Sasori told them.

Original Nagato narrowed his eyes. "Is it likely to result in battle?"

"No, just a lot of bickering," Kakuzu growled. He was still angry at himself for saying something that made him look irresponsible.

"Well, maybe some battle," Deidara argued. "We had a demon fight us once."

"But we kicked her butt, and we're a lot better at battle now, so I don't think we have anything to worry about," Sasori argued back.

"I still think -" Deidara's phone rang. He only needed to glance at the caller's ID before declining it and getting to his feet. "I think we should be careful with them, yeah. Anyway, Kisame needs a pickup." He ran off in the direction of the garage.

"Speaking of battle, I wanna know why my clone's missing half an ear," Original Hidan said.

"Kisame did that. Blood frenzy."

"No shit?"

"Avoid spilling blood near any half-beast person," Sasori cautioned. "Unless you're not worried about saliva-borne diseases, in which case go for it."

Original Hidan chuckled menacingly. "There's a whole group of beast people out in the woods, aren't there? Gotta pay them a visit…"

"Not recommended," Itachi said. He pushed himself up into a dignified sitting position. "They are even more peaceable than we are. I think it is uncertain whether they would be able to enter a blood frenzy. Kisame was already intending to fight Hidan and wound him that time. The Hatakes would not be prepared to fight. They would reflexively restrain themselves."

"Hatakes?"

Konan sighed. "That is their clan name. Hatake Sakumo is their leader. Their relation to people we knew in our world is complicated and tiresome, best left for another time."

Original Nagato let it go. "So then. This is an organization in need of repair."

"Already in progress," Itachi replied.

"Is that so?"

"Well, let's see," Sasori said in a perfectly even monotone. "We don't have any currently active conspiracies. Subgroups within our group are working with each other, not threatening to secede. We're checking tasks off the list right away instead of forgetting about them for three weeks. There are no ongoing grudge fests. Yes, we are doing much better than we were at first."

"Conspiracies? Threatening to secede?" Original Yahiko looked worried. "That's not how ninja should be. Nobody can survive that way. People need to work together. Shinobi must always look out for their comrades!"

"We do when it matters," Kakuzu shot back.

Original Nagato stood firm. His aura radiated power. "It always matters."

Kakuzu gave up. He could not consider his goal of impressing the originals to be anything other than a total failure. For all of his effort, the originals were still leagues above him in discipline and order. He felt like a pathetic child.

"There are complicating factors," Konan said from her position against the tree. "Please try to keep an open mind."

"How many complicating factors?" Original Nagato was starting to get impatient. He and his version of Yahiko had finished preparing themselves for serious action after less than 48 hours of existence. The clones had been in a group for much longer, yet were about as prepared for serious action as an academy class. What was wrong with them? He could only keep so open a mind.

Konan looked at Itachi. Itachi hummed and looked skyward. He silently counted on his fingers. "At least half a dozen."

Original Hidan threw an inch-long rock directly at his face. Itachi barely caught it in time. "Give up something juicy already! You're a bunch of teases and wusses."

"I do not know what I am authorized to disclose…"

"Functional details," Konan said. "Limitations and allowances."

"Ah. In that case, there is much I can say." Itachi took a moment to think. "All of the complicating factors I can think of directly affect our functioning. They affect what each member of this group is capable of, they affect what sorts of challenges we face, and they affect the resources at our disposal. Materially, we have access to any resource we could wish for, including those that logically ought to be restricted. We could probably order military-grade weapons off the Internet if we wanted to. This easy access to material goods seems to be a form of compensation for the structure, discipline and overall organization that we lack. Fortunately, the challenges that we face are also rather weak and play to our strengths."

"They won't say it plainly for some bullshit reason, but there is someone playing around with reality and making them all dance like puppets," Original Hidan told Original Nagato. "Not a god, but also kinda sorta a god."

That earned him glares from every clone present, as well as a covert glare from Konan. "We were trying to be gentle with how we introduce things," Kakuzu snapped.

"Yahiko and I are ready to confront whatever there is to confront," Original Nagato replied. There was no hint of unease in his voice. "You say forgetfulness is not supposed to be common. This unseen puppeteer must be inflicting it on you all, then. How do we depose them?"

"It's impossible," Itachi replied instantly. "And undesirable, anyway."

"Is that to say that you enjoy being less organized than the average first year academy class? You want to stay that way forever?"

"Well, no. But…"

"Then you must resist," Original Nagato said. He stated it calmly, as nothing more than a fact. "If you do not, you will suffer forever."

"Hold on," Kakuzu exclaimed. "Less than half the group's here. Let's put this discussion on hold until everyone it concerns can hear it."

"Very well." These two words, said calmly, sent shivers of dread up the backs of most of those present. The originals were going to crash a meeting, and they had an agenda. What would result?

.

The first result was that the task list came to a screeching halt. Everything on it was suspended, effective immediately. This was not deliberate; it was merely a natural consequence. Next to the prospect of deciding the fate of their story, what could be important? Every ongoing concern paled to insignificance. The group chat went quiet. In direct person to person messages, the news spread. By nightfall, everyone had heard it. The originals want to fight back against the author.

Everyone, that is, who had already known about the author. Yahiko went pale when he received the news. He glanced up in the direction of Obito's room. Obito had slept in the same room three times now, so that made it his room. Their room. Whatever. The point was, the masked man was currently napping in order to recover from all the exercise Tobi was putting them through. Yahiko looked down to find the four dolls staring at him. He knelt down and wondered what to tell them. "So, um… Nagato tells me we might be going to war soon. Against a magical enemy that we can't see. Who has great power to do things to us, to hurt us even. So, uh, it's a little exciting but very scary." The dolls jumped. Little One turned and ran away, while Warlic spun in circles and waved his arms and otherwise acted very excited. Yahiko let out a breath. The dolls are good. Now, what do I tell Obito and the rest of his system?

Things got even more complicated when Zetsu showed up. Zetsu came bearing gifts. They'd spent an enormous portion of their small savings on things that Tobi might like: a backpack covered with unicorn designs, which carried a notebook, markers, crayons, a book on the design process behind animated fictional dragons, and a full-sized candy bar. Besides the backpack, Zetsu also carried separately another notebook, a pack of tennis balls, and a box of candy bars. They knocked on the lobby door. Itachi answered. Zetsu hung their head, looking ashamed. "Are they, uh, still here?"

"Yes," Itachi said, welcoming them in. "Obito and Tobi have been out so far. Their distress at your absence has not been so great as to constitute a problem. Yahiko and the dolls have been keeping them occupied, and Hidan protects them from his original."

"Good," Black Zetsu responded. "That one is a concern."

"We are just as concerned," Itachi assured them. "Original Hidan will not be allowed to harm anyone. Plans are underway to devise a strategy to keep him out of trouble. Or were…"

"Is something happening?"

"Ah… Admittedly, yes, but it - it may or may not be your concern…"

Black Zetsu held up his hand. "Stop there. Listen. We've spent more than one full day conversing with the plants of the forest, photosynthesizing, and doing some thinking. We've figured some things out. Until now, we've always protected Obito by keeping his life stable. We can't do that anymore, but the forest plants gave us alternate ideas. We still can be the stable ones, the reassuring ones, the little bubble he can retreat to if he needs to. So whatever crazy thing is happening now, keep us out of it. We're not participating. If you make a decision, let us know what you plan to do, but that's it."

Itachi relaxed. "Thank you. Thank you very much. Uncertainty makes me nervous. It's very reassuring to hear such solid, definite plans. Now I know precisely what there is to work with."

"You're welcome."

"So then… Original Hidan will be kept away from them. You do not need to exert yourself protecting them. As for the rest of us, some believe we should initiate a new course of action, others believe we should not. We'll let you know whether or not we decide to do anything." Itachi looked up at the ceiling. He seemed to be thinking aloud. "I shall take you to Yahiko first. He can give you better information. Then I will return to the premeeting and share what you have told me." He proceeded to do just that.

Black and White Zetsu told Yahiko roughly the same thing as Itachi. Yahiko sighed in relief. "Okay, so I don't need to worry about you guys. But Obito… I guess…" He looked conflicted. "This sounds like it might be wrong, but I don't know what else to do. Please keep him in your little bubble of stability for the rest of the night. I really do not know how to tell him some complicated things that he would need to know in order to participate in tonight's meeting, so keep him away from it please." Yahiko blushed bright red. "I'll figure out a way to tell him later. I wasn't expecting so soon."

"Fine. Where is he?"

"Napping. Same room as before. I've started calling it his room." The dolls were not present, so the three of them were free to sneak down the hall. Zetsu cracked open the door, verified that he was asleep, and snuck inside to place the backpack at the foot of the bed. They closed the door behind them with hardly a sound, then crept out to the backyard. There, they asked Yahiko to fill them in on what had happened in their absence.

Meanwhile, Itachi found Kakuzu, Konan and Sasori and told them what Zetsu's role was. "Excellent," Kakuzu replied. He looked worn out; nobody had ever seen him this way. "I think Zetsu has the right idea. Let's keep this strictly internal. There's no need to talk about it."

Sasori told Itachi, "I have been persuaded to not tell the originals that they're totally off base. I'm not going to fake enthusiasm for their stupid idea, though."

This was the general approach they decided to take. They split up then to prepare some form of food for dinner. It was hard to focus on mundane concerns, but they managed.

The meeting couldn't come fast enough.

.

Twelve humans, one shark, and four dolls fit themselves into a single room inside an abandoned hotel that may or may not have ever actually served as a hotel, inside a world of dreams given shape by letters. Given the circumstances, the topic of their conversation was a little ironic.

"Does everyone here know what we have gathered to discuss?" Itachi asked as soon as they all assembled.

"Yeah, and I'm not happy about it," Kisame replied. His face was pale.

Nagato held Hidan's hand for dear life. Hidan looked pained, but didn't pull away. "The originals want to fight back against the author," Nagato summarized. "Is that right?"

"Yeah," Sasori deadpanned. He wore a totally blank face, betraying no opinion of any kind.

Original Nagato tilted his head. "Author?"

"We're story characters inside a story," Yahiko babbled. He held Little One for dear life. "But it's a nice story. Why would we ever want to do that?"

"That's what we are here to hopefully attempt to discuss," Itachi said in a raised voice. "Ah… This is the sort of topic that could easily provoke explosive, vicious debate. It's very dangerous. We must be careful."

"Indeed," Konan agreed, her voice at maximum calmness. She shot looks at almost everyone present.

Original Hidan huffed. "That sounds totally fake. Do you people actually believe that?"

"The stupidity of that comment cannot be measured. Let's ignore it," Kakuzu snapped. "Anyway. Is it even possible to resist the author, and if so, why would we?"

"That's totally fucking impossible," Kisame nearly yelled. "All of our reality, this entire world and every single one of our thoughts and actions is goddamned fabricated. I tried resisting once, remember? It turned out to be part of the story. There's nothing we can do. Why are we wasting precious time thinking about it? It's not even - I mean - what sort of fucking batshit crazy -"

Samehada reared up and fell on top of him, knocking Kisame onto the floor. Kisame wrapped his arms around her, shivering. "I'm just saying, I really really REALLY don't want to test Itachi's hypothesis the hard way." His voice trembled from sheer terror.

"What hypothesis is that?" Konan asked.

"I do not know which of my many thoughts he is referring to," Itachi said.

"I'm talking about the one where you said that, since we're not completely fictional, partly real, our story might go on even if the author stops writing it." Samehada rolled away. Kisame sat up. "But we don't actually know what happens to characters that stop being written, and I like being alive."

"Is that what it means?" Clone Nagato asked. He looked just as scared as Kisame. "Resisting the author means getting our story to stop being written?"

"No, it doesn't have to. That's only one way."

Too late, Itachi realized he had made himself into the proverbial lightning rod. Every single pair of eyes in the room turned to look at him, including the dolls'. "You know how we could resist?" Clone Yahiko asked in barely more than a whisper.

"I…have one idea."

"Let's hear it," Sasori said.

Itachi swallowed. "Due to the nature of our existence, we cannot entirely sever our connection to the author. But our author currently wields a great deal more influence than is necessary. The overwhelming influence could be reduced, giving us greater freedom…if narrative convenience were to disappear."

Silence filled the room. "In other words, we could enjoy increased freedom for approximately one week before government agencies learned of our existence and swooped in to kidnap us all for experimentation. Color me unenthused." Kakuzu didn't need any coloring. His body language was already top to bottom unenthused.

"Or be like the tree," Hidan muttered.

"Oh god, the tree," Nagato moaned.

"What tree are you referring to?"

"Hidan read a true story once about a tree species that was believed to be extinct," Nagato said with a grimace. "But then, one was found growing in someone's backyard. The scientific community celebrated. It got famous. Tourists started checking it out. A stream of people dropped by, breaking into somebody's actual backyard behind their actual house and home just to take selfies with this tree, and… And peel off a bit of bark or a twig as a souvenir. Lots of things were done. A fence. Prohibitions. All the way up to armed guards, I think. But no. People kept coming and breaking off twigs…"

"I am so happy Zetsu's not here," Yahiko whimpered.

"Crazy people on the Internet scare me a lot more than government agencies, and government agencies already scare me a lot," Nagato whined. "So let's just please not. Please, for the love of god, no."

"There is approximately zero percent support for narrative convenience disappearing," Itachi summarized.

"Is there any other way that resistance could possibly be accomplished?" Kisame asked desperately.

Deidara raised a hand. "Um… If our author influences us a whole lot, yeah, could we influence them back?"

"That is something we're already doing by committing ourselves more intensely to personal healing," Itachi said. To the originals, he explained, "This story appears to be written for the purpose of helping the author resolve their personal troubles."

"We can do that for fuzzy emotional business, but how can we possibly enforce order on a being whose whole entire skillset consists of taking intangible things and giving them structure and order?" Kakuzu asked. "We are literally ideas turned solid. The arrow of causality, who gives order to who, is strictly one-way."

"We're disorganized because of our author's mental problems, which we can't fix. And we can't avoid being affected by said mental problems without either bringing our story to an end or turning it into a living hell," Sasori summarized. "Our only option, the only option that is remotely desirable or possible, is to live with it. Which we were already finding ways to do before certain people who have next to no experience with this world decided to stick their ignorant noses into our business."

"Technically their business as well," Itachi said.

"No, not really. They're imports from someone else's story. What Kakuzu said about the arrow of causality pointing one way applies to creations that one makes from start to finish. Our author didn't make them from start to finish. Their original form comes from somewhere else, which means there's only so much our author can do to change it. That's why they're organized and mentally normal." Sasori sighed. "Fictional creations can influence real people, but only if they're someone else's. Our originals in their original story clearly influenced our author, causing them to start writing. And other stories continue to influence our author as we speak. I don't remember any squeeing over video games in the first month or so after we got together. But then magic books appear in the library, and we start ordering dolls modeled after a character from a specific game? Not to mention having entire subplots kicked off directly by the influence of said video game?" Sasori gave the dolls a hard look, then shook his head. "We, the newly created characters, can't influence our maker. The only people who possibly can do it are the originals, and maybe the dolls, depending on how closely they resemble the character they're based off of. I'm the local expert on how stories work, and that's my verdict." He shot a powerful look at Original Nagato. "If you want this story to change, you do it."

For several seconds, nobody spoke. His words rang through the air to their fullest extent. When Sasori lowered his eyes and his words finished ringing, only then could anyone else speak. "I vote we do what Sasori says," Kisame said.

"Yeah, he is the expert on creations and creating things," Yahiko agreed.

"All in favor," Kakuzu called. Every single clone, Samehada, and Konan raised a hand or equivalent body part. Once the dolls saw what everyone else was doing, they raised their plushy hands too just to participate. "It's decided. We return to the task list project. Everyone who was created for therapeutic reasons, keep doing what you're doing. Everyone who was not…" He looked at Konan first, then at each of the originals in turn. "Enjoy your cat herding."

The originals had not spoken all meeting because they could not. They seemed to have forgotten how. Konan declared the meeting adjourned and politely suggested everyone else get dinner. She led her old companions elsewhere. "Now that it is put so plainly, I understand exactly what Sasori means. My appearance acted as a seed, causing the others to group together. Starting the story. The others at first resisted even calling themselves a group. They were fragile, not yet ready to be anchored any further. If you had appeared back then, their version of the Akatsuki would have fallen apart. But now, they are strong enough to tolerate your presence. It will be nice to no longer be the only one trying to make sense of this mess."

The originals regained the ability to speak, but did not use it. Even Original Hidan declined to comment on anything he had heard. Konan made them tea and brought it to them in the lobby. She also brought food. Original Nagato and Original Yahiko retired to their base of operations. Original Hidan went out to hunt. The clones relaxed, worry-free for the first time all day. The dolls mingled among them and received cuddles and head pats from everyone, even Kakuzu. Itachi remembered his promise and informed Zetsu that they had decided not to do anything after all. Zetsu came out for food and received a round of thanks, even before they revealed their box of candy bars, which were well-received. They gave Little One many, many head pats.

It was a nice night.

.

A/N: Go, Sasori! You da man!

I didn't plan this story out this way, of course. I work on a less conscious, nonverbal level. Anyone reading this knows that. That said, Sasori's totally correct. It seems to take quite a long time for knowledge that I hold nonverbally to make its way into the form of words, but it does eventually get there. I wonder if my brain was examined, if I would have an observably weak right brain-left brain connection.

Anyway, this chapter gets an omake because it's special.

Celebratory Birthday Omake

"Really?!"

"Really."

"Kakuzu, you're so cool!"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, but secretly enjoyed the compliment. It was the first August 15th since he'd found Hidan on the side of the road. He had spent ample time asking Hidan how he'd ended up there, enough time to learn that there was no answer. Hidan really couldn't tell him anything. If he pressed too hard, the boy's face went blank in a way that was starting to feel all too familiar. Something had happened. Kakuzu had no idea what it was, and he suspected he didn't want to. So on the day that Hidan picked out as his birthday, the very first one since the unspeakable incident... Well, Kakuzu's heart could soften sometimes.

Hidan had stars in his eyes as he gazed at the arcade. His brain was probably filling to the brim with happy chemicals just from the lights and sounds that came through the windows. Once they got inside, he would be walking on clouds. Kakuzu patted his wallet consolingly as they walked inside. The poor thing was going to resemble a wilted balloon when they were through.

As expected, Hidan spent the night in little kid heaven. He tried every machine he could until he got to one that was operated by dancing. Then he spent the rest of Kakuzu's money on dancing. It didn't occur to him to spend any of it on food. Since it was the boy's first birthday (since some unspeakably terrible thing happened to him...), Kakuzu took him back to the house and fed him.

"If I was a real cat, I'd be your cat," Hidan said. "You'd never have a problem with mice, and I'd never be scared, 'cause you're cool and cats respect coolness." He gave Kakuzu a hug.

Kakuzu patted his head. Maybe not all children are terrible.

.

A/N: You know what, let's go for double!

Another Celebratory Birthday Omake

"It's all for me?"

"Yup!"

"All of it? But don't you want any?"

"We can't digest that."

Obito stared at the cake as though he had no idea what to do with it. His new mask was still firmly on his face. He and Zetsu sat across from each other at a small table inside an inn room that had no windows. This was so that Obito could feel safe taking his mask off in order to stuff himself with cake. Human children liked that, right? But he didn't seem to. Were the movies wrong?

"Do you not like chocolate?" White Zetsu asked.

"Huh? Oh... Chocolate's fine."

They returned to silence. The longer it dragged on, the more painful it got.

"Do you not like cake? Should we have gotten a pie instead?"

Stop pressuring the kid! Just a few months ago, he was learning how to walk all over again under the eye of the least sympathetic or supportive human in existence. The last thing he needs is more pressure.

Sorry, Ani. I just don't know what we did wrong.

Suck it up.

It was Obito's first birthday since his life had ended. Even if he had possessed a flavor preference before, the old ways might have been erased from existence. He'd had to relearn how to walk, how to eat, even how to see well enough to get through doorways without injuring himself. Perhaps celebrating a birthday was something else he had to relearn.

"Cake is fine."

Or maybe he had never learned how to celebrate in the first place. The kid had scars both inside and out that were far older than a few months.

White Zetsu chuckled. "Wanna know a secret?" When Obito looked up, he said, "We've never, ever celebrated a birthday before."

"Never went to school, so we never attended classroom celebrations," Black Zetsu said.

"Never became close enough buddies with anyone to get invited to their house."

"Birthday parties, as far as we're concerned, are fictional."

"We know as much about them as we know about space travel."

"So forgive us for lacking proper manners," Black Zetsu finished.

Obito looked at the cake. "Manners?"

"Yeah, like... Like do you open presents before or after eating the cake? Do we still have to cut it in slices if it's all for the same person? That sort of stuff," White Zetsu chirped.

Obito's right hand dropped to his lap. "It's not all for the same person."

Oh look, another addition to our list of fuckups.

I can't believe we forgot that!

"I mean, the same mouth," White Zetsu babbled. "Same germs and all, so, so, why cut it?"

Obito curled in on himself. "I'm sorry."

Are we doing something wrong, or is he just that different from regular human children?

No idea.

Obito did eventually eat the cake. Forkfuls disappeared from the box it was kept in when Zetsu wasn't looking. A week after its purchase, the box was in the trash, which was a relief from a food waste perspective. But when Zetsu found it there, they couldn't help but feel sad. Despite their best efforts, they'd missed his first birthday in his new life.

.

A/N: It just seemed so fitting to have both of these scenes together. I couldn't imagine them apart.

So then, same time next week.