HARRY POTTER JOINS HOGWARTS FACULTY

By Clarisse DuMont – Roving Reporter

SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS

Harry Potter, former auror and Voldemort killer, has joined the faculty at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. He will be taking on the role of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (colloquially known as "DADA").

Harry's rise to the top of the aurors was as precipitous as his fall into obscurity. Once the darling of the wizarding community, he was top of his class and Head Boy at school. After defeating Voldemort on ten different occasions, he went on to surprise the world by seeking out danger in magical law enforcement.

"Potter's got a terrible case of PTSD," said Zeb Twing, professional psychotherapist. "He has money and fame. Why else would he have gone out and risked his life every day? He has a family, for Merlin's sake!"

Janet Beno, Hogwarts' official spokesperson, expressed enthusiasm for Mr. Potter's appointment.

"We're all thrilled that a wizard with so much experience and skill will be teaching our students. At Hogwarts we pride ourselves in providing the highest standards of education."

Mr. Potter will begin teaching classes for the fall semester.

Good luck, Harry!

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Claire,

Your article has major flaws:

· There are several factual errors. Harry didn't fight Voldemort ten times. He was never Head Boy (a fact I know disturbed him at the time).

· Your writing doesn't fit "Quibbler Style." For example, writing Harry "shocked the world" by becoming auror. Did he shock the world? How could you confirm something like that? Just leave it out.

· Some of your sentences are wordy and confusing. Remember: short, declarative sentences.

· Why, oh why, would you interview a psychotherapist? They are well-known charlatans influenced by a global cabal intent on controlling the world. Also, the quote is unnecessarily cruel.

· Hogwarts is a security nightmare. At least some mention of the number of deaths and injuries there should be mentioned.

I know the Quibbler has a reputation for sloppy reporting and focus on less-than mainstream topics, but we're trying to increase our circulation. Please uphold higher standards.

L.L.

Also, you're not a roving reporter. You are a cub reporter. In any case, we don't put titles in our bylines.

Also also, since when do you go by "Clarisse?" Is that a pen name or have I been saying your name wrong all these weeks? If so, sorry!