IMPORTANT!! Thanks for all the reviews!! People really seemed to enjoy this chapter, which is why I was so reluctant to change it! But as I said before, for some reason, this chapter was pretty hard to write. I made some BIG changes. The people who've already read and reviewed it will unfortunately have to read it again! I'm very sorry, guys!! I loved all your reviews, and I hope you like the renewed version too! If you want to know why all these radical changes have been made, please read the long ending note, which explains everything!
DING! I want to offer 'sunandshadow' my sincere gratitude, for helping me see some things about this fiction that I hadn't realized before! I'm eagerly awaiting your impressions of the reconstructed version of the chapter!
Also, to 'Amindaya', whose review I absolutely loved and who kindly offered to help me with beta-ing, I'd be delighted to accept your offer! (You can't imagine what a pain these errors are!) Since I can't seem pin your email down, would you like to send me an email of your own, or contact me in a private message (– if you're still interested in beta-ing that is). Dealing with my horrible errors…You poor soul, you.
There may be more typing and syntactical errors than usual, but please cope with it. I'll fix it ASAP!
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Hell Doubtful
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There's a lunatic out there. A madman. A diabolist. He kills and kills and kills. He kills killers. People are afraid to walk on the street. They're afraid to give resumes to their employers. When they go on dates, they're reluctant to tell each other their real names. What kind of Satan kills by knowing your name alone, they think.
Indeed, what kind of Satan?
And to combat him, we only have a white screen. A white screen with a great black "L" stamped in the middle, and a robotic voice, which sounds like something out of a two-year-old's favourite anime, reassuring us we will win. That's our defense mechanism. L's going to save the world, some say. The world doesn't need saving, others say.
But what the hell is "L", anyway? Answer: a computer screen. To what extent are we supposed to trust a man who doesn't show his face and name, because he doesn't want to die? If he's so fucking righteous, why the hell doesn't he hide our faces as well?
Sure, there are fewer criminals now…but there are also fewer films being made, fewer songs being sung. People are too afraid to speak their minds any more. Because by now it's not only the lunatic they're afraid of…it's the lunatic's supporters. If they catch you cursing Kira virulently in public, they practically lynch you. You're 'unjustifiably defacing our protector', they say.
The fucking world goes insane right in front of my eyes, and there's nothing I can do about it. They're calling murderers "angels". What is wrong with them? Can't they see that the population is being wiped out right in front of our eyes!? In the beginning it was all fear and terror. But when they realized they couldn't combat it – whatever "it" was – they decided to accept it, and support it. Politics are terrifying in their underlying simplicity.
But the world wasn't always like that…we didn't always live in terror…People don't like to remember life without Kira. They've intentionally wiped it out of their memories. Of course they have. If they allowed themselves to remember how happy and balanced the world was before Kira, then they'd all kill themselves out of despair.
And where was L when all of this happened, eh?
Behind his flickering white screens, that's where.
Perhaps we're lying to ourselves. We all know that L is probably the same, or even worse, than the monster. They both hide their faces, they both conceal their names and they both aspire to control the lives and deaths of other people.
When I think of L, I imagine some sinister black building, derelict and slimy. I imagine a tall, black-clad man with a black profile living there, silent and deadly. L must be one of those people who pierce and cripple you with their gaze. He must look like the kind of imposing Bond character we see in detective films.
But the most frightening thing of all, perhaps, is that I'm not sure. You can't be sure of who's standing behind a computer screen. What does L have to hide? Perhaps L is Kira himself. Did anyone ever think of that? What if Kira is L and L is Kira? Or, even worse, perhaps L doesn't even exist and he's just a scare tactic that the police have devised to cow the population. What then?
We're royally screwed, that's what.
How the fuck did all this happen, anyway? One day everything is ticking like a clock, and the next we can see only chaos. Now we've reached the stage where we don't know what's happening behind the scenes – don't know anything except what they choose to show us – which is the worst of all. Somehow, the safety of our lives, our homes, our families and our jobs has all been surrendered to the big white screen.
It is universally known, albeit never admitted, that the ornate Gothic "L" has been granted access to all our information logs. That man, who we can't see, can see us. If he wants to, he can learn everything about my personal life within seconds. It's like I'm standing in a forest clearing, unable to discern the wolves hiding amongst the trees, even though I'm aware they are watching me. I have the disadvantage by default – me and the other seven billion people out there. Seven billion against two. The world against Kira and L.
And even though a killer can only kill me once by learning my name, who knows what "L" – who works with politicians – can do? What if he decides I'm a public hazard one day? What then? I'm exiled from the country? I lose my job because I think too much? I receive the death penalty? What?
How could I let my personal world be manipulated this way? All my life I've been known to take care of my own problems, haven't I? Then why has it come to point where my life is viewed as collateral damage by a white screen? Why?
A black room, with water dripping from the ceiling and a single computer monitor shining in the middle. That's what L is. And Kira…he's worse. When it comes to him, I can't even summon a concrete image. All I can see are two eyes, yellow and bloodthirsty, and the forked tongue of a snake. That's who Kira is.
Who's the real enemy, I wonder. At least the Kira supporters – just as powerless as the rest of us – have something to firmly believe in, however idiotic it may be. Kira's going to protect the world, they keep saying, and they're stupid enough to believe it.
But what do I believe in? I'm not a sniveling housewife, so I can't trust in my husband. I'm not a teenage girl, so I can't believe in pop idols. I'm not a businessman, so I can't rely on my employer.
Is this really what it comes down to? If people aren't controlled by something, they feel lost? Do we want to be monitored and controlled, just to rest assured that we are under protection? Protection by and from who!? From ourselves? If we really are so privileged, and if they really want to keep us safe, then why aren't we allowed to see their faces, damn it? Is it illogical for us to feel mistrustful of someone unreachable? Why must that man see everything about me if he so wishes? Is he smarter than me? Is he better than me?
No. Truth is; he's probably just luckier than me. Lucky that he had a lot of politician connections and powerful friends, who turned him from a nobody to an all-powerful mega-elite-investigator. If he'd been born in the ghetto, where they don't even spit at your feet, then he'd have been just like any homeless person, regardless of his fucking IQ. If you have to steal for your food, your investigative intelligence counts for zero points.
But I'm willing to bet that that man, whoever he is, never had to work to get anything in his entire life. It was all granted to him from the start. Perhaps this L is ten times worse than Kira himself. At least – in the beginning – Kira never came out with computerized voices. He didn't rub it in our faces that he was in control of our lives and that we couldn't fight him.
But L…
L…
That's another story completely, isn't it? It's almost as though he enjoys seeing us squirm beneath his anonymous scrutiny. What kind of sick man wants to terrorize the population without being a terrorist?
Don't these people have mothers and fathers to keep them in check; I wonder. And then I remember that their parents are probably the reason they turned out the way they did. Who knows what kind of psychologically disturbing environment a man like L, or Kira, grew up in? Maybe I shouldn't curse them for being what they are without knowing the people that raised them. Maybe I should curse my own society for turning people into monsters, who want to kill each other and be in control of each other from afar.
Even so, is it crazy for me, as a human being, to hope that L would stop existing just as much as Kira? I wish L could catch Kira, and then they could both just…disappear from my life.
Is that so wrong? Wanting to be alone, and free of threats? Free of this constant fear, that every time a policeman asks for my ID, I may be surrendering my life?
Is it?
-
The only thing that could be heard in the deafening silence was Sayu's small whimpers. Ryuuzaki still hadn't spoken a single word. He just stood there with his spidery legs, watching silently as shivers periodically wracked Raito's shoulders. The kneeling man's knuckles were white as he gripped his haphazard chestnut hair. His ruby-coloured blazer, torn in various places, was scrunched up against his chest. He wasn't weeping or sobbing…but his eyes and mouth were kept carefully concealed from Ryuuzaki's vision.
It was the first time in his life that Raito had felt reluctant to face another person.
Truth be told, despite his humiliation and desperation, Raito had unconsciously been expecting everything to end soon. Wasn't this the pattern? He was sure that he'd be fainting any moment now, and that he'd be magically transported to some other place and time, where a new torture would be waiting for him. This unwelcoming situation would end very soon. Perhaps he'd be thrown to the Hands again. Maybe he'd go back to the interrogation. Neither prospect seemed welcoming….but on the other hand, staying here and facing Sayu's broken gasps was just as bad.
Raito didn't have much heart to think of what lay in his future, for once, since his plight was still adhered to the present. For the first time in his adventurous existence, he was feeling shame. Intense and overpowering shame. His pity about the woman's condition was overpowered only by his intense humiliation. Had Raito been aware, he'd have realized that, even though he'd just attacked a defenseless person, the thing he was truly remorseful about was not causing her harm, but his own public defacement in the eyes of a third person.
So Raito gritted his teeth, and fought to bear with it. In a few moments, he wagered, he'd feel himself fainting again, and he'd wake up in some new torturous setting. And then this hallucination would stop, and he could pretend that he'd never, ever, done that horrible thing.
So Raito waited. He didn't raise his head, nor did he speak again, since he was reluctant to meet the casual blankness in Ryuuzaki's eyes. Why did the detective have to act like that, damn it? Even though he wasn't blaming, cursing or hitting Raito…There was something in Ryuuzaki's calmness that was causing Raito's humiliation to grow. As though, by treating the issue indifferently, L was showing Raito that he was considered just another average person. Ryuuzaki should be showing his amazement that a man as in-control as Raito had lost his composure...not simply standing there, looking non-committal. His current stance was an insult to Raito's sovereignty!
Ironically, even though Raito had wished for the company of other humans before, he'd give anything to be alone right now. But it didn't matter, Raito tried to reason, as he felt his body shake from another uncontrollable spasm. Because it would all be over soon.
But the minutes dragged on, and, moment by moment, Raito's hope began to fade. Why wasn't the scene changing? Why wasn't the torture reshaping, as it had done after he had seen his father rape Sayu?
The passing seconds became minutes, and the minutes hours. The detective had sat down quietly, moving in his distinct insect-like way, with his face always turned and fixed on Raito. As for Sayu, she was trembling and crying by now, clutching desperately at her pelvis, which was barely covered by her torn clothes. Raito could imagine her horrible state even without turning to look at her. And as the hours dragged on and the room became slightly more illuminated than before, Raito felt his shame expanding, as though his crime was coming to the light as well.
It couldn't have been him who did it. He hadn't been thinking straight. Raito would never have done something like that on his own accord. Not him….not Raito…Raito was there to punish criminals, not to identify with them…His greatest pride was his power to control himself…and there was no way he'd have lost that.
He wanted to say all this to Ryuuzaki, but he didn't dare break the tomb-like silence that had fallen around them. And the more time passed, the harder it became to speak. Raito was still kneeling in the same position, and he couldn't move. He was too ashamed to look at Ryuuzaki straight in the face, and he didn't want to see Sayu cringe at the sight of him.
He didn't know how much time had passed, but it felt like at least half a day. Sayu had slowly stopped whimpering, and was now breathing evenly. The events of the night now seemed like an implausible nightmare scenario. But Sayu's shredded blouse and skirt, as well as the blood on the crotch of Raito's beige pants, was proof enough.
In retrospect, now thinking slightly more clearly, Raito distinctly remembered fighting and hitting Ryuuzaki at some point. However, he didn't remember actually knocking the detective unconscious…and on the other hand, he could also remember Ryuuzaki watching them when…
'Oh…oh no…' Raito thought with a sudden jerk of realization 'Ryuuzaki has seen how I look when I-' but Raito cut his thoughts off right there, feeling another panic attack overcome him. He started gripping his hair even tighter, pulling them spasmodically as he recalled exactly how he must have looked in Ryuuzaki's eyes whilst he was completely out of control. The only thing he could do to comfort himself was to keep repeating the same mantra in his mind: 'This is going to end soon'.
Eventually, after what felt like an endless and repetitive eternity, Raito caught movement from the corner of his eyes. He recognized Ryuuzaki's feather-like footfalls as the other man walked away. For the first time in hours, reassured that Ryuuzaki wasn't watching him, the auburn-haired man allowed his hands to slip a bit lower, allowing him to see his surroundings more clearly.
Ryuuzaki had indeed walked away. He was now hunched over the half-empty mini-fridge with his back to Raito and the girl. He appeared to be shuffling in search of food, with his blood-stained white shirt riding up his back as he kneeled.
Raito noticed that the detective took much more time than necessary to open and search the fridge, as though he was reluctant to progress. He also noted one more thing: Ryuuzaki's movements appeared even stranger than usual – more uncomfortable. Especially every time he moved his right hand, the detective appeared to be under strain. Had he hurt himself?
But the moment he noticed Ryuuzaki turning around, Raito covered his face with his hands again, pressing his chestnut fringe against his face. He felt like a child for acting like this, but, on the other hand, he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't face Ryuuzaki – not now – and looking at Sayu was not an option.. He didn't want to see the fear and disgust in her eyes. Even though he'd never felt protective or especially fond of her…he'd still hurt her nonetheless.
But still…he couldn't help but wonder if Ryuuzaki really was hurt, and to what extent. A guilty inner voice reminded him it was Sayu he should be worrying about, but he truly couldn't help himself. After all, having never been a victim of rape himself, it was impossible for him to understand the full impact of what he had done. The guilt and shame he felt, which he now considered so unbearable, had less to do with the actual act of rape than with his own disappointment at himself. He'd thought he was better than that.
Hell, his whole conviction about killing criminals was utterly based on the fact that he was superior than them. After all, how can someone punish criminals, when he is actually just as uncontrolled and animalistic as they are? But can a rapist Judge punish another rapist?
What should Raito do? For the first time since he'd taken hold of the Death Note, he was confused about himself. On the one hand he still held the firm conviction that he was able to recognize criminals and that those criminals should be punished for their brutality, but it was now impossible not to attain a certain amount of empathy for them. After all, he'd technically committed a crime as well, be it a hallucination or not.
And he hadn't truly wished to commit a crime. He'd been forced to do it...in the same way, maybe other criminals – criminals that he would have otherwise Judged without batting an eyelash – had been forced to commit their crimes as well…And in that case…his former belief about punishing criminals was erroneous. As Kira, he had killed any criminal instantaneously, thinking that they were hazards of society. But now, having been forced into committing a crime, he was compelled to review his previous thoughts.
What if some of these criminals had had no choice but to commit their crimes?
In that case, who is the real criminal who should be killed? The one who commits the atrocity…or the one who forces the other to commit the atrocity?
Are criminals just victims of other criminals, just like Raito had been the victim of some demonic arousal when he raped Sayu…?
A small doubt, annoying in its guilty nature, started to spawn in his mind. Had he…was there even a small possibility…that he'd been wrong to kill criminals…? All of his life experiences made it impossible for him to believe something like this. But now, seeing it from a new – guilt suffused –viewpoint, he couldn't help the questions from forming in his mind.
Now that he'd been forced into committing a crime, he truly felt as guilty as a criminal…But still, even though he now thought of himself as a rapist, if a 'Kira' killed him right now then he would feel wronged.
It wasn't his fault he'd raped her. He wasn't a real criminal, who'd wanted to harm another person! He had never wanted to commit the crime! In fact, he tried everything he could to prevent it. If he'd had the Death Note now, then he couldn't have blamed someone like himself for raping Sayu. Although, in the past, when he'd been Kira, he'd Judged rapists indiscriminately. But now he realized that he may have been erroneous in condemning all criminal acts so vehemently. Maybe some of them…had been forced to commit rape, or even murder. What if the had had no choice, just as he-
'Oh no!' he suddenly thought, overcome by a wave of nausea 'How couldn't I have thought of it before?!' A newfound guilt began to spawn in his gut 'I could have tried to handcuff myself on something to stay away from her!!' But in the state of arousal he'd been in, he had hardly been able to remember his own name, let alone search for logical solutions. Therefore, it was understandable it hadn't occurred to him at the time – the only thing he could have focused on was the crippling pain between his legs.
But Ryuuzaki. He was inexcusable. At least he could have thought to tie Raito somewhere. Raito stayed there, unmoving, as he listened to Ryuuzaki move spasmodically, with newfound distaste for the detective. He was a hypocrite, Raito had always known that. Ryuuzaki had never truly cared about the criminal acts themselves – just the hunting of the criminals. In Ryuuzaki's eyes, Raito knew, it had all been a big game.
But would L be indifferent enough to watch a crime be committed under his very nose? Why hadn't he worked harder – fought harder – to stop Raito? Perhaps, Raito thought, as he listened to Ryuuzaki's small limp, L hadn't realized Raito's problem until it had been too late, which was why he'd never had the chance to tie Raito somewhere. Albeit, if Raito had correctly come to decipher the bizarre nature of this strange place – wherever it was – then not even a flaming wall of volcanic lava would have been able to keep him away from Sayu. He'd have raped her no matter what happened, despite his reluctance to do it.
Completely lost in his musings, Raito wasn't prepared for the clattering noise he suddenly heard, coming from surprisingly close. Reflexively, he opened his eyes and stared at the ground in front of him. A chocolate-covered cupcake was left there, like a steak thrown to a dog. He heard a smaller noise come from the far back and realized Ryuuzaki had probably left some food for Sayu as well. After that, the detective walked again, returning to his customary sitting place near Raito. The auburn-haired boy didn't speak to thank the other. He just nodded imperceptibly, more to himself than anyone else. An internal panic attack was threatening him again, since he was slowly starting to realize that the torture was not ending here. He'd be forced to live with Ryuuzaki's silent indifference and Sayu's strangled noises.
With an involuntarily shaky hand, and still not raising his eyes to even look at Ryuuzaki, he brought the cupcake near his mouth. However, immediately feeling bile climb up his throat, he quickly put the food back down. Even though he could vaguely feel hunger, it was impossible for him to eat. It must have been the same for Sayu, since Raito soon heard coughing and sputtering sounds from the far back. Ryuuzaki had no such qualms, apparently, since Raito could clearly discern the munching sounds coming from the detective's direction. However, when the auburn-haired man paid attention, he realized that Ryuuzaki's appetite also appeared forced – his passion about chewing was largely more placated than usual. Apparently, Ryuuzaki was intentionally trying to recreate a semblance of normality.
Raito wondered if the detective was doing it to preserve his own sanity. Even though he'd ever hardly known anything about Ryuuzaki's past… How must an unsociable man feel, Raito wondered, in this isolated place, trapped alone with a rapist and a crying woman?
'A rapist.'
And all those criminals he'd judged…would he be fit to judge them now? His father, who he'd been so quick to condemn…what if Souichirou had been forced to rape Sayu in the same way that Raito had? No matter how hard he tried to look at the situation with his previous detached outlook, it was impossible not to feel involved. How could he feel like the powerful authority, which crushes injustice with force, when the warmth of Sayu's thighs was still lingering in his palms?
'I can't believe I fell as low as this…' he thought, with vibrant disgust for his inability to control himself. 'Forcing my self on someone – my sister none the less, which should have been a reason to discourage me even more!'
He ran his hands through his hair and shuffled his feet, trying to disguise his nervousness. Now he was leaning against the wall, hands to his sides, face turned purposefully away from the detective. It was clear by the way Ryuuzaki had tossed the food at him, as though Raito was a wild animal, that he was not seen as the same person any more. He wasn't the embodiment of cold composure and longer. At least not the absolute embodiment… How could he be? How could he, after what he'd done?
Through all the thoughts and self-depreciating séances that went through his head, Raito managed to compare, even now, the difference between the way Raito had treated his father and the way Ryuuzaki was now treating him. He remembered his father's crying face, his pleas for forgiveness … Raito had been completely unforgiving back then, as he'd been with every other criminal. But now that he'd experienced first-hand the sensation of being completely manipulated by animalistic urges, he couldn't possibly judge all criminals in the same way.
Of course he still thought criminals were a pest to society, and the Kira had been a true-blue panacea in law enforcement. However...remembering now not only the criminals, but the innocents Raito had sacrificed for his idealistic world – innocents like Ryuuzaki himself, actually – he thought if…perhaps…the people he'd judged as complete hazards before where not as vulgar as he'd initially considered them.
If they had committed their crime for a purpose beyond brutality…or even if they'd committed no crimes at all…
Was it still just to kill them? Had Kira ever been…injust? That's the doubt that terrified Raito the most. Because if Kira had been injust, and he had not been a virtuous self-composed judge…then he was just a man who killed. And if Kira was not a Judge and he was just a man who killed…then the act of killing was not Punishment…it was murder!
And it was this guilt – the sudden small simmer of doubt in his mind that he might have been wrong when killing criminals – that made him become desperate. Ir wasn't the memory of the rape that fed his guilt. The rape had been just a catalyst to make him realize that, sometimes, criminals may not commit crimes out of true spite and barbarism…Sometimes criminals were victims, too. Just like Raito had been a victim of his uncontrolled arousal, and had been practically forced – for reasons of self-preservation – to commit an atrocity even more disturbing than the usual, in its incestuous nature.
So, with this way of thinking, perhaps some of Kira's Judgments had been erroneous. And how can a defective Judge attribute true justice? If the Judge is unable to comprehend true justice and pardon certain criminals…then the judge was no worse than any other murderer!
Was Raito…a murderer!?
He remembered the way his father had almost seemed liberated when Raito had cursed him. At the time, Raito had believed that he'd been distributing divine punishment by calling Souichirou a monster. Only now did he realize, with Ryuuzaki's help of course, that at certain times it is a greater punishment to say nothing, and to let the guilty man live with his guilt.
When the inner peril comes, external punishment is superfluous. You don't need people to tell you…you already now the despicable things you've done. And it's even worse when the people around you refuse to admit it…refuse to deliver your guilt to you. Because dying after you've committed the crime is easy. But living with yourself is harder.
But still, despite these raving thoughts, Raito's mind would keep returning to the same issue: for a guilty man, it was a greater punishment to live than to die. But when it comes to the whole of society, the removal of criminals is the best option – and this point, in Raito's mind, was indisputable.
But now, being too freshly attached to his experience of losing control and left with nothing except Ryuuzaki's scrutiny…he was starting to question himself. The emotion of intense humiliation was too powerful, as was the crippling doubt of his own comprehension of justice, at least for the moment. It was impossible to make solid judgments now. The only thing he wanted, more than anything, was to be out of this place.
-
An entire day passed. Nothing terrible was happening, except for the fact that Sayu had regained her consciousness, which was torturous enough in itself. When she'd first started moving, Raito had stayed crouched against the wall, with his face buried in his knees.
"Sayu-san…"
The girl's brother didn't dare look up as he heard Ryuuzaki's unaffected voice speak to her, flatly asking if he could do anything to help her. But, even as the detective spoke, it was obvious that there was nothing he could truly do to improve the situation. There was no water in the ravished building, and she could find nowhere to bathe …
New nausea attacked Raito. He closed his eyes and fought to deafen his ears, trying to block out the presence of the others. But he couldn't – the small sounds of breathing that surrounded him were constant reminders that he was not alone.
Sayu had stopped crying. She'd stood up mutely and walked to one of the darkest alcoves of the room, presumably to try to reassemble herself. Ryuuzaki had stayed put, his eyes still drilling into the back of Raito's chestnut head. Wasn't it exhausting, Raito wondered, for a person to act like a machine all the time? Why wouldn't Ryuuzaki just…leave him alone? If he wasn't going to erupt and blame Raito…then why was he being such an insistent plague?
The situation was a living nightmare, and it kept getting worse as more and more time passed. The damp, humid darkness of the environment, combined with the vague blue beams of light coming from the destroyed ceiling, worsened Raito's sensibility. Soon there was absolutely nothing he could focus on, and the world seemed to be blurring in shades of black, burgundy and yellow.
Sayu wasn't speaking or looking at him, not that he was looking at her. He could feel her emotional distress all the way across the room. How it must have felt he couldn't truly fathom: he'd never been raped. Raito was never a very emotional man, and he detested weakness in people…but even he could imagine that having someone –especially someone who she'd trusted and respected since infanthood – hurt her without warning was traumatic in itself.
And that uncontrolled person…that was him. This is what bothered him the most. How could he have let himself lose control so fast? He'd never known himself to be so volatile…But he had, and now he had to live with her awkward movements and obvious fear of him.
But his problem wasn't entirely about her – she'd recuperate, eventually. The damage was not permanent – Raito's physical crime hadn't been so strong. It was about himself, losing control and prestige in front of a respectable third party. And now that the torture was continuing, he had to put up with this new status quo, where Ryuuzaki considered him not an equal.
At least if he'd killed her instead of raping her, Raito thought in mental desperation, he wouldn't have been forced to face her now. But the way things had currently turned out to be, even if he'd wanted to forget, her presence would ensure that he couldn't!
Even thinking about it brought an alien knot in the cords of his throat. He clenched his lips reflexively, intent on muting the sounds of dismay that were threatening to come out. He couldn't. He shouldn't let Ryuuzaki see him like this.
And so, time passed. One day became two. The silence had now become routine, replacing the intent debates they'd had before. In the night it was frigid cold and in the day the air was rancid at best. Raito felt stickiness under his sweaty clothes, and he imagined it could only be worse for the others. Uncomfortable with his new awareness about the state of his sister, he just wished that he'd never have to talk or look at her again after what he'd done. Or at Ryuuzaki, for that matter.
But the silence was bound to break eventually. They had no supplies, and there was only so much food that a half-empty mini-fridge could hold. Despite Ryuuzaki's valiant efforts to suppress his gluttony, the supplies were running lower and lower every passing day. Until, finally in the fourth day, the inevitable happened, and Ryuuzaki came back empty handed from his excursion to the fridge.
"There's no more food, or water." The detective solidly surmised. It was perhaps the first time in three days that they had spoken, and the husky voice almost made Raito jump out of his skin by sheer surprise. Judging by Sayu's restrained whimper, she must have been startled as well. Raito wouldn't have been able to see her even if he'd wanted to, since Ryuuzaki had led her to sit in a more withdrawn part of the room – as far away from her brother as possible.
Raito pondered for a few moments whether or not he had the will to speak, but quickly dismissed the idea. He didn't even have the will to turn and face Ryuuzaki, much less speak out loud. He'd prefer it if he never had to speak to another person again. Basically, at this point, he wished he could just…disappear. Act as though nothing had ever happened…act as though his criminal record was as clean as it had always been.
It didn't help that, over the span of the passing days, he couldn't help but notice how Ryuuzaki's movements were becoming more and more uncontrolled, as though he was unable to move freely. And if Ryuuzaki was in pain… then most probably he had been injured during his little spar with Raito. The thought of his animalistic conduct during that fight gave a fresh stab in Raito's stone heart, so he quickly neutralized all thoughts and resolved to avoid Ryuuzaki.
L, however, apparently catching on to the fact that he was trapped in a one-sided conversation, spoke again without waiting for an answer.
"Unless a rescue retrieves us within the next two days, we will all most likely die." Raito noticed that the other's voice was even more monotonous than usual, as though Ryuuzaki was intentionally trying to keep his tone steady when speaking of his own death. The detective had acted this way before, Raito recalled: the day before he died, he'd talked with a similar tone of voice.
Upon Ryuuzaki's staleness, the woman's muffled gasps arose. Raito realized that he'd most probably be stuck here, watching them both die as a form of new torture. But he didn't understand…he was under great distress already. Why would the others have to die? If they died – especially L – then Raito would probably feel more relieved than remorseful.
Ryuuzaki didn't let him ponder this point much longer, however, choosing to continue his monologue.
"I suggest we attempt an escape."
Unable to help the reflexive movement, Raito raised his face and looked directly at the other. But the moment he met the crow-man's eyes, he immediately lowered his face again. He kept quiet for a long time, until Ryuuzaki, now taking a step toward the wall opposite Raito, spoke once again.
"Being content to prolong the present will never alleviate past actions, Yagami-kun."
The statement fell around them like a brick on a marble floor. The underlying truth, which had been avoided for so many days, was now stated in the open. Raito's temples began pulsing, and he could hear the arteries pumping in his eardrums. This was it: Ryuuzaki was asking him to learn to live with his crimes. Raito didn't want to – the doubts that were plaguing his mind about being Kira were too suppressive. Had he been wrong to kill criminals all along? Had he been a man unfit to give absolute justice…?
Raito didn't want to start trying again – he felt resigned. His belief system was shattered, in a way. All his actions had been based on the unshakeable principle that criminal acts must be punished in a just, lawful punishment. But when the criminals did not act due to original evil intent…then was punishing them an act of true justice? Because if it wasn't absolute justice…then, undoubtedly, at least some of the criminals – and the persecutors like Ryuuzaki – that Raito had Judged could be seen not as real pests of society. And if Kira had been Judging people who were not true criminals…then Kira could not be recognized as a real Judge. And if not a part of the authority…then Raito had been nothing but a murderer! Just as Near, L and all those other narrow-minded idiots had always said!!
…was there even the smallest possibility…that they'd been right?
These were the thoughts that plagued Raito the most, and he hated to learn to live with them. But, unfortunately, his arrogant and obstinate nature did not allow him to show his true thoughts in front of anyone – much less Ryuuzaki. Raito may have been feeling weak, and doubtful…but L would never be allowed to know that.
Slowly, somewhat ceremoniously, he raised his eyes. This time, when he saw Ryuuzaki staring at him, he made a conscious attempt to keep his head held high. Even though he didn't have much to be proud of, at this point. Even though one little vice had condemned an entire life of virtue…he mustn't give in. He mustn't let Ryuuzaki manipulate him…he should prove himself as superior once more, or else he'd only give ammunition to Ryuuzaki's dismissals.
So if he wanted to save his pride as a man, and his idealistic goals, then the only thing he could do was stand up. And stand up he did, looking at the wall the whole time. He'd stood up very few times over the last few days, only to attend to his physical needs. Therefore, it somehow felt strange to walk once more.
He looked backwards and saw the dark cranny in which he'd been buried in. The way he now saw it, he had two choices. He could either go back into the crevice, curl around himself and wish he would die – wish that all his beliefs were as straight as they had been before everything happened and before he'd started to feel like a criminal.
Or he could follow Ryuuzaki's toneless advice and live with the fact that there was a possibility Kira – the pivot of Raito's existence – had been a mistake. Of the two choices, the thing that Raito truly wanted to do was the first. But upon seeing Ryuuzaki's scrutiny, the undead urge in Raito's heart to prove himself a superior man overcame him once more. He couldn't let himself be a coward. Not after what he'd done. It would only be a crime as long as he treated it as one.
He couldn't give up now. He didn't know what, but something new had crawled into his body. Some new purpose was driving him, even though he didn't understand exactly what. Perhaps it was his almost obsessive need to ascertain he was the most absolute and superior Judge of all. And now that he'd started doubting the way he'd judged criminals before…
So he walked. He walked forwards and stood a fair distance away from Ryuuzaki, staring at the wall. He still wasn't quite ready to engage in prolonged eye-contact, and he was fighting to keep his head from hunching. There was something about Ryuuzaki's eyes, perhaps the blank non-committal nature of their blackness, that had always reminded Raito of Ryuuku's bored voice. And indeed, it fit perfectly with L's detestable hypocritical nature: even though Ryuuzaki proclaimed that 'he was justice' and that 'he would punish murderers'…he'd never really bothered to judge anything at all in his life. All L ever did was content himself with the thrill of the chase – unlike Raito, he had no honour in his goals.
But still, even though Ryuuzaki himself seemed to have no sense of justice, his black pits of eyes had always had a specific characteristic, Raito pondered. Because L's eyes were so wide and one-coloured, the one who is looking at L can always see themselves mirrored in Ryuuzaki's glassy black orbs. As though, through Ryuuzaki's eyes, they can see the way L is seeing them. And right now, when trying to look into those eyes, Raito didn't like the way his own guilty face was being mirrored, staring back at him.
Apparently, during this whole process of Raito's extreme revelations, Ryuuzaki hadn't reached any similar earth shattering conclusions. He just started talking again, and Raito felt stupid for being unable to face the speaker properly. But …he just couldn't feel quite at ease yet.
"Since no-one has come for us until now, it's safe to suppose that there were probably no survivors." Ryuuzaki concluded, and Raito wondered if the detective was thinking about that old butler man. Even though he knew Ryuuzaki would never show something like that on his expression...Even so…what role did that Whammy play in Ryuuzaki's life, exactly? Raito's curiosity had always been sparked by this matter.
"Therefore we should take precipitate action if we intend to survive."
Raito nodded, still looking at the wall. His voice had been unused for days, so it sounded gruff and unsure when it came out "So what do you suggest we do?" He hated to hear himself speak like this: quietly and swiftly…the voice of a guilty child. He tried to calm himself.
"Climb." Ryuuzaki curtly said. Raito said nothing, waiting for the other to elaborate. And indeed, Ryuuzaki continued "We could attempt to climb upwards through the hole in the ceiling."
Raito's reaction was instantaneous; as he turned to stare at the detective without thinking "You're out of your mind." He'd sounded a bit like himself in the last sentence. But now, suddenly finding himself looking straight at Ryuuzaki's face, he felt lost all over again, and cursed himself for lashing out like that. He didn't like the person he was turning into: a person who wasn't in control. But if he was becoming more turbulent, it was all this hellish place's fault!
In any case, now that he'd made eye-contact, he would never withdraw.
"How so?" Ryuuzaki asked without batting an eyelash, black eyes boring into Raito's skull, now that they finally had the opportunity.
Raito was reluctant to open his mouth. He had heard Sayu's imperceptible gasp when she'd heard him speak before. Her fear had sparked a new guilt in his heart. This constant ambivalence of his emotions about himself was becoming rather tedious.
"Yagami-kun?" Ryuuzaki probed again, interrupting Raito's thoughts. The auburn-haired man's reflexive flinch to the appellation was entirely involuntary, as usual. He tried to clear his thoughts, uncomfortable when faced with Ryuuzaki's demanding expectancy. Deciding that the only way to prove his sovereignty was to act natural and powerful, Raito started speaking.
"If we could have climbed then we would have done it already. But we chose not to because it's too dangerous – the walls may collapse." He took a breath, trying to steady his hateful trembling voice "How can you be sure that we'll find our way outside if we climb to the higher floor?"
Ryuuzaki's wit was quick and concise, his brain as sharp as a razor "The light must be coming from somewhere. We'll find an exit."
"And you waited until now to make this proposal?" Raito answered, by now moving his eyes away from Ryuuzaki's face and focusing on Ryuuzaki's bloodstained shoulder instead. He'd forgotten that Ryuuzaki had hit his head, previously.
"I'd hoped that we'd be rescued in time, Yagami-kun…but now that the victuals are exhausted, we'll have to escape immediately." The answer was short and to the point. Raito noticed, despite himself, that the detective had adjusted to using his surname now, and that he understandably seemed colder than before. The thing that startled Raito, however, wasn't this.
It was the sudden realization that Ryuuzaki had, in fact, always acted rather… warm to him before. As warm as Ryuuzaki could ever be in his own strange way, Raito supposed. This discovery was confusing, since Raito had always thought that Ryuuzaki had been withdrawn and cold towards him. Apparently, judging by the detective's standards, one could even say that he'd even been always been rather friendly, compared to now. And if all of this was a demonic hallucination, and the Ryuuzaki who was here now was not the real man, that still didn't alleviate the fact that the real Ryuuzaki, for some reason Raito could not fathom, had always been rather genial with Raito in particular.
But in any case, Ryuuzaki was a walking riddle. Trying to contemplate on Ryuuzaki's twisted sense of social behaviour was largely futile. At a time, the real Ryuuzaki had always kept saying that 'Raito was his first fired'. Naturally, this had been a rather coy lie, designed to draw Kira out. But now that Raito actively assessed Ryuuzaki's overall behaviour towards him – especially during the time they'd been working together against Higuchi – really was rather friendly. Perhaps Ryuuzaki, Raito thought, had actually involuntarily told the truth when he'd called Raito his friend…
And Raito had killed him, in the end. In fact, Ryuuzaki had died in his very arms, knowing he lost. But Ryuuzaki had always been a hypocrite, not to mention that if Raito hadn't killed him, he'd have killed Raito first…
But this, combined with Raito's recent revelations about the nature of criminals and the justice of Kira, could only result to more doubt of himself.
"Very well." Raito said, swallowing down his guilt and averting his eyes.
He suddenly saw the detective moving away, and followed him with his eyes. Ryuuzaki wasn't exactly limping…it was as though he couldn't move his chest in ease. Raito could clearly see it now that he was looking openly at the other. But the detective hadn't complained at all, so…
More importantly, Raito realized where Ryuuzaki was heading. Toward Sayu. Unable to help it, Raito's attention fell on the girl. She looked truly pathetic, the epitome of helplessness, as she lay huddled there in the corner of the room. Seeing her shaken expression, he stopped looking at her immediately. But not before he'd seen her ravaged clothes, trembling fingers and the bruises on her thighs. He tried to fight the waves of disgust with thoughts of self-assurance.
The only thing he could do to combat his troublesome emotions was to remind himself that he was not truly guilty. His control may have slipped, this once, but he had not caused Sayu any permanent damage. He told himself she would live through it. Raito may have temporarily hurt her, but that didn't make all his actions criminal…Despite his subdued emotions were telling him he was guilty, his mind instructed the logic of the situation.
On the one hand, he wanted to believe that he wasn't a true criminal and that he hadn't been as uncontrolled to rape his own sister. But on the other hand, by believing he was not truly guilty, he would indirectly be accepting that some of Kira's Judgments may not have been correct. And that, in turn, would ultimately imply that Raito was nothing but a murderer – as Near had claimed.
So he could either accept he was a real, guilty rapist – which he truly wasn't…or accept that Kira had acted as a murderer, under certain circumstances.
Trying to alleviate his plight, he turned his doubt and desperation into fury, aiming it at L. Instead of feeling guilty, he should rather be angrier at Ryuuzaki, who, even though conscious, had failed to prevent the rape from happening. This anger, redirected and intensified, became a kindling fire inside the man's chest. In fact, he focused on Ryuuzaki's hunched back, as though willing the other man's head to split in two, like a cantaloupe.
This mess was Ryuuzaki's fault. He'd been the one responsible for preventing Raito from erupting and he'd failed! Even though Raito had fallen victim to a greater scheme, Ryuuzaki should have tried harder to prevent the crime! In fact, Ryuuzaki wasn't half as much as-
Only then, while watching the detective stretch his hand to help Sayu on her feet, did Raito notice that Ryuuzaki seemed rather far away. Particularly far away. Further than usual, actually…
In a sudden burst of awareness, the auburn haired man raised his left hand and looked at it.
Only now did he realize that the handcuffs had never been reconnected.
-
Until now, Raito had thought that nothing could ever happen to him worse than the Hands. The feeling of having your body torn apart by angry souls is unmatched, after all. And yet, in this silent, half-collapsed room, Raito was experiencing a kind of torture that could very well compare with his greatest nightmare.
Sayu was standing there, a few feet away. Just like a dog, Raito could smell her fear. He wasn't doing anything offensive – he wasn't even looking at her at all. And yet she tried to stay as far from him as possible, as though he'd assault her unexpectedly. Her legs, two unsteady sticks, could barely support her body. Her lips seemed dry and cracked. He wanted to yell at her, to tell her it wasn't his fault…to say that it had been just a momentary slip of self-control and it did not mean he was a violent criminal. But for some reason, upon seeing her tear-streaked cheeks, the words died in his throat – he'd never been good with crying women.
In all his living hours, Raito had never thought he'd see the day when a female would willfully cling to Ryuuzaki. And yet here he was, seeing it right in front of his eyes. Not that Sayu was touching Ryuuzuaki in any way, per se. It was just the way she had placed herself, hiding her body strategically behind Ryuuzaki's, keeping her head bowed low. Ryuuzaki, on his part, didn't appear to be defensive or protective of her in particular…but he didn't shun her away either.
'Hypocrite' Raito thought with suppressed fury 'You didn't fight hard enough to protect the victim when the time came!'
Raito was keenly aware, now more than ever, that the detective hadn't tried with all his might to prevent the rape, like Raito had when against his father. Perhaps self-perseverance was so much a part of Ryuuzaki's psyche that the man was simply unable to produce any kind of sympathetic feeling for another human. Ryuuzaki was, after all, the type of person who would never jeopardize his own well-being to protect that of another.
Raito wanted to lash out and blame Ryuuzaki for all of this… but, despite his wrath, he could not find the gall to do it. After all, who was Raito to talk? Hadn't he been the one responsible for the situation all along? Ryuuzaki had never had any typical obligations to protect Sayu…and knowing Ryuuzaki, it was predictable that he would prefer to let events unfold than to interfere. And now Ryuuzaki was disturbed enough by Raito's conduct to refuse reattaching the handcuffs – which was one of Ryuuzaki's fundamental anxieties.
But it was not Raito's fault! It wasn't his fault that he'd suddenly become so extremely and unjustifiably aroused! Like Raito himself had said, he would have died had he not released himself. He would have died! His body may have committed a despicable crime. But he had never wished for it to happen. A crime like his was not a real one.
Fighting to make himself calm down and focus on the present, Raito noticed they were standing directly under the hole in the ceiling. But the task of climbing through appeared impossible now, not only because of the physical difficulty, but also the reluctance of the participants to cooperate with each other in the intimate way required. The siblings were probably expected to support each other when attempting to climb…and that possibility simply was not viable.
Ryuuzaki, always the cold analytical mind, immediately launched into action, not waiting and not caring about the complications of others. Usually, Raito would have been the same, because he never had any 'complications'. Now, however, that he was the one having the problem and Ryuuzaki was the one to ignore him, he hated this quality in the detective. L kept his back turned to Raito as he observed the ceiling, obviously trying to find ways to climb upwards with the least possible strain. Perhaps, Raito thought, they could climb on one another as they had before and then Ryuuzaki could help the woman climb.
Although he was rather sure that Ryuuzaki was unwilling to even stand near him, let alone touch him, after what had happened. But if he knew Ryuuzaki as well as he thought he did, then Ryuuzaki would swallow down his personal needs when faced with a greater practical requirement.
The blue spotlight that was coming from upwards cast Ryuuzaki's form to shadow, merging his black hair with his bloodstained shirt. 'He must feel horrible' Raito thought all of a sudden, seeing the clingy wetness of the other man's shirt. The humidity of the environment was a destructive combination with Ryuuzaki's heavy clothing. Even though the detective seemed just as composed and expressionless as ever, Raito was willing to bet that Ryuuzaki was boiling inside. Raito huffed quietly, annoyed with himself for thinking about the state of the others, when he had his own discomfort to worry about.
"Yagami-kun," Ryuuzaki started, and Raito gritted his teeth upon hearing that horrid name. He saw the detective turn around slowly, black tresses flowing in natural curves around his head. The pure whiteness of the man's shirt was enhanced when against the light, despite the fact that it was utterly filthy and nearly grey in colour by this time. Suddenly, as though now seeing Ryuuzaki for the first time since L had died, Raito felt some strange emotion jerk as his heart. Actually, without knowing or admitting it, Raito might have even wanted to see Ryuuzaki again, after he had been buried.
Ryuuzaki's face was cast to shadow, and Raito could only vaguely see the whiteness of his eyes and the outline of his mouth. Had Raito been able to discern the other man's features, he might have seen, perhaps, a small crease between the sparse eyebrows. Other than that, there was no sign of discomfort.
"I think the only-" the detective started, but his voice was cut off abruptly, as though it were a light bulb that was suddenly shut off. That sudden cessation was the only warning Raito got, before all hell broke loose.
The next few seconds were too sudden to be interpreted logically: to put it plainly, Ryuuzaki started falling down, much like a sack of potatoes, literally threatening to collapse on the ground face-first. His black eyes were half shut, as though he was under hypnosis, and his neck was arched awkwardly backwards. Sayu's startled cry of surprise came simultaneously with Raito's urgent call of "Ryuuzaki!"
Raito reacted completely instinctively, although he never knew he had such instincts. He dived forward without thinking, grabbing Ryuuzaki just before he hit the ground. The deja-vu of the scene was unnerving, and Raito was feeling a constriction in his lungs as he turned Ryuuzaki around to see his face. Truth be told, the chestnut-haired man half-expected the detective's eyes to be open and unblinking. Just as they'd been…at that moment. The moment before Ryuuzaki had died.
All thoughts of anger, guilt and righteousness evaporated from Raito's brain in a matter of seconds. Now the only thing he could think was that Ryuuzaki would die. He'd die again.
He'd die again…
And then Raito would be left alone…alone with Sayu, which was worse than a nightmare.
Alone. Without Ryuuzaki's tonelessly intelligent comments, which were the only verbal challenge Raito had ever really met in his life…Raito suddenly realized he would be left feeling rather isolated! Without even one respectable person to communicate with. And even though the same thing had happened when Raito had been alive after Ryuuzaki's death, it had never been so pronounced. But if Raito was left feeling temporarily alone in a place as this…who knows what would happen?
But this time, thankfully, as Ryuuzaki's black hair lay splattered all over Raito's burgundy sleeve, there was no deadly silence surrounding them. Sayu had started screaming out of reflex the moment Raito had made a sudden movement. In the meantime, her brother was staring at the fallen detective with hoarse eyes, completely taken by surprise.
In the blue-white twilight, Ryuuzaki's eyes were half open, and Raito had never seen them like this. It was almost as though, for the first time since Raito had met him, Ryuuzaki was actually losing focus.
"Ryuuzaki…" Raito muttered, shaking the other man's shoulders. He watched, entranced, as Ryuuzaki's head bobbed uncontrollably up and down. The shoulders Raito was grabbing were wet from perspiration and dried blood. Thankfully, Sayu had stopped screaming by now, and had simply moved away. She was obviously terrified by the fact that she was once again alone with her rapist, but Raito had no time or will to try and placate her. The dead weight in his hands was calling for his attention.
"Ryuuzaki…! Can you hear me?" Raito asked, feeling Ryuuzaki's body temperature reach volcano heat beneath his fingers. He almost couldn't believe it when he actually saw the other man's eyes blinking slowly and his mouth opening without producing sound. Ryuuzaki never blinked so casually and he never, at least not in Raito's experience, acted disorientated. "Ryuuzaki" Raito tried again, and gingerly placed his hand on the detective's forehead. As the chestnut-haired man had suspected, the skin beneath his palm was not only burning up – it was practically hot enough to scorch.
Ryuuzaki had a skyrocketing fever, which explained why he was sweating so profusely and why his temperature was so high. But…how? Why hadn't he said anything? When had this happened? And why did he suddenly collapse now? Couldn't he have persevered a little longer, until they'd escaped the building?
Then, suddenly, Raito remembered that Ryuuzaki had been limping slightly…Raito had never really managed to ask where Ryuuzaki was injured. But apparently…
Apparently…Ryuuzaki hadn't said anything after all…
"Ryuuzaki…where does it hurt?" he pressed for an answer, watching Ryuuzaki's eyes focus and refocus ineffectually. Unexpectedly, Raito felt something feathery pressing against his chest, and recognized the sensation of the detective's long fingers. A few seconds later, Ryuuzaki's nails seemed to dig and push against Raito's chest, as though the detective was trying, even now, to keep Raito away from him.
Raito was temporarily impressed by L's well-concealed personal stubbornness. Even with his head pounding and burning, Ryuuzaki apparently still wanted to solve his own problems by himself.
"Where does it hurt?" Raito repeated, keeping his hands firmly in place and letting his eyes bore into Ryuuzaki's dazed ones. For some reason, this disoriented face that Ryuuzaki was currently wearing, with those wide black eyes and flushed skin, made it easier for Raito to look straight at him. As though this weren't the real cruel detective, but another man completely. A…different kind of man. A weaker man.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Raito remembered that he'd wanted to see this expression of resignation and not of sharp suspicion. And now that he was seeing it in real life, he found that, indeed, Ryuuzaki's face looked rather different when his eyes were half-closed. Although, for the life of him, Raito didn't know when he'd started guessing what Ryuuzaki's face would look like when in a daze.
Ryuuzaki still wasn't saying anything, and Raito could feel the spidery ribs moving almost frenetically in his hands. Something was very wrong. Ryuuzaki was always composed and in control…his body must have been under great stress in order for him to be acting like this. He probably wasn't speaking because he didn't have the strength, not strictly because he didn't want to talk to Raito.
Then, still obviously trying – and actually failing, for once – to keep his face expressionless, Ryuuzaki brought his left hand on the right side of his own torso. Raito immediately focused on the movement, seeing the place Ryuuzaki's hand was patting. He understood immediately.
Without wasting any time, and vaguely aware of Sayu's nearby whimpers, Raito gathered Ryuuzaki better in his arms and began to tuck the white shirt upwards. He could hear Ryuuzaki's heavy breathing, and could feel the tickle of the other man's hair against his clothing. How he hated that blasted black hair! And yet, he couldn't make himself pull away from it.
Not thinking about what he was doing or why he even felt compelled to do it, he tucked the loose shirt up to Ryuuzaki's collarbone, pushing the detective's hand away in the process. Temporarily startled by the unexpected smoothness of Ryuuzaki's flesh, Raito only refocused his attention when he heard Sayu's loud gasp come from the side. And then the wound was brought to light: a huge bruise covering the entire left part of Ryuuzaki's ribcage. It had the distinctive sickly purple colour of internal bleeding.
"R-Ryuuzaki-san…" was heard the girl's tremulous voice, used for the first time in all these days. Raito said nothing, partly because he knew he would scare her away and partly because he was too startled to react.
"Internal bleeding…" Raito concluded, his voice thicker than he intended it to be. Ryuuzaki arched his throat backwards to try and shake the kinks away, and Raito watched the bare torso laid in front of him struggle to breathe. Obviously, Ryuuzaki was in pain when he tried to move the upper part of his body. "…Must have damaged a rib…" Raito said, watching Ryuuzaki's head nod imperceptibly. Sayu let out a choked cry.
It must have happened during their fight. Raito remembered, with great clarity and equal guilt, that he'd grabbed and slammed Ryuuzaki on the floor. At the time, Raito hadn't been aware of what had really happened and where he'd hurt the other man…but now it was all becoming very clear.
Ryuuzaki must have not said anything since this kind of injury was often deceptive – he'd probably thought it was nothing serious. It wasn't plausible that a rib was broken, since L would have been crippled by pain immediately. But this bruise was a result of extended internal deterioration. And combined with Ryuuzaki's obstinate lack of sleep and daily strain…
Raito's assessment of the reasons Ryuuzaki hadn't fought any harder suddenly changed. Apparently, many of his assessments would change today.
"…We…" Raito heard a whimper from the side, and did not dare turn around to look at his sister as she spoke "We have to get out of here…"
And Raito couldn't agree more. Ryuuzaki's neutralized condition had just added to their problems. If they didn't manage to get precipitate medical attention, then… then the consequences might be dire.
Raito's mind started working overtime as he tried to analyze their escape routes. How would they reach the ceiling, when everything around them was a potential danger? Maybe Sayu could climb first, and then….but no, how would she be able to lift Ryuuzaki? Then, maybe Raito should climb up first, and try to drag Ryuuzaki with him…but Raito could barely lift the other man!
He just sat there, dumbfounded and bereft of ideas. He was floundering, flailing, and unable to find an escape. Why oh why did it have to be Ryuuzaki – the only other male in the vicinity – who was incapacitated? Why couldn't it have been Sayu, or himself? Why? Ryuuzaki was the only person who would have been able to help him. And now…
There was no solution for this problem. No solution….
He felt weak and completely drained, all of a sudden. In fact, he could almost feel the darkness swallow him up, before he even saw it.
-
"…-quick! Take them to the emergency ward-…quick!-"
"…nii…chan…"
-
The next time Raito opened his eyes, he was almost blinded by light. It took a good few minutes to adjust his eyes to the brightness and even more time for him to sit up from his lying position.
He found himself on the white bed of a clinic, in a room with green tapestries on the walls. On the left side of his bed there was a small nightstand, complete with flower bouquet and a 'get well' card. He could hear the distinctive shrill beat of the heart ultrasound machine, and for the first time noticed that there were thin tubes attached to his arms, feeding him a translucent serum.
On the far side of the room he could see a wide window, with white curtains drawn in front of it, which was the source of warm orange sunlight. An analogical clock on the wall informed him that he had come to his senses at half past two in the morning – not at five o'clock, for once. The distinctive absence of marionettes, satanic clocks, or any other kind of suspicious accessory, was almost overwhelming.
However…the most prominent and important characteristic of this room was none of those elements. It was the fact that he was not alone in it. His rather quiet roommate was lying down in a supine position on a bed right next to Raito's. The person's face was turned away, but Raito could recognize those unkempt strands of ebony hair anywhere by now.
In all his life and afterlife this was the first time Raito had ever seen L sleep.
He noticed that Ryuuzaki was wearing the customary white nightgown – as was Raito himself. It was rather preposterous, but Raito just realized that, in all the time they'd known each other, he'd never seen Ryuuzaki's bare arms before. The skin was so white that it appeared sallow, even though Ryuuzaki's muscles seemed sufficiently developed. The stark contrast between the black hair and porcelain skin was distinctive of a man who hasn't seen the sunlight for extended periods of time. Of course. The only kind of 'Light' that Ryuuzaki could stand was computer light.
The detective's arm was connected to two serums, one translucent and one dark blue. He also had a tourniquet around his forearm and some gauzes wrapped around his head. As if through a dream, Raito fought to recall the way Ryuuzaki had sustained all these injuries.
And then, like a tornado, awareness hit him.
He remembered everything with excruciating detail within one explosive second. The earthquake, the slaughter, the rape…Ryuuzaki's hideous injury…and then, he remembered lights and people running: a rescue team had come after all, albeit Raito didn't understand how this was possible. Until now, he'd assumed the entire thing was a hallucination anyway. Hadn't he previously been unable to exit the HQ building? Then how on earth had he been brought here – to a place that was obviously not the Headquarters? Raito was always one to question his good fortune, especially when it was offered so open-handedly.
Suspiciously, he lay back on the bed, treasuring this chance to rest, despite the obvious bizarreness of the situation. No sneering puppets, no demons…no hair being shoved down his throat… no Hands. No burgeoning erection ripping his stomach apart.
It was almost too good to be true.
Raito shuddered, but hid it well.
He wondered where Sayu was and what she must be thinking about him, but the guilt was so intense that he soon felt the need to stop thinking altogether. He shut his eyes and sighed deeply, willing himself to go to sleep. He resolved he'd reflect on all his problems the next time he'd wake up – wherever he'd wake up.
But now that he was cozily tucked in a warm bed, the worst of his memories kept returning, as though to haunt him. The gaunt look on Ryuuzaki's face …Sayu's screaming visage…The Hands grabbing him…
The Hands…
Had Kira really been a murderer? A criminal? Was Raito being punished for killing people who weren't guilty…?
Raito shot upwards, unable to rest even for a second. He covered his face with his hands once more, and hated the fact that he had to live with this regret, just for one small mistake.
Who was doing all this to him, anyway? Who had forced him to be aroused? What was the point of trying to make him feel remorseful? But he'd never drop as low as to regret being himself. He hadn't regretted during being ripped by the Hands, and he wouldn't regret now. He'd cope with it. Even though he wasn't sure of himself any more…
His thoughts were interrupted abruptly by a sound that came from somewhere on the right. Raito turned around, watching the other man turn on his side, exposing his face to Raito.
For a few moments the auburn-haired man just kept staring, somewhat dumbfounded. The warm yellow sunlight from the window flattered the hues of the other man's zombie-skin. Ryuuzaki's expression while he slept was not much different from when he was awake, actually.
But the fact that the eyes were closed made a huge overall difference, since the absence of that bug-eyed stare made Ryuuzaki's more normal features, like his well-shaped nose, stand out. Raito had noticed this kind of expression before on Ryuuzaki, very rarely, when the detective had been in his most spirited moments.
Raito turned away from the sleeping man, focusing his eyes forward and immediately dedicating his brain to the analysis of his surroundings. In this way, he'd forgotten his previous occult thoughts about Ryuuzaki's expressions within seconds.
But it seems that lady luck would not rest contentedly without teasing him that day. A few minutes later, another sound echoed from Ryuuzaki's direction, and Raito reluctantly turned around, expecting to see Ryuuzaki drooling on his pillow while dreaming of cakes, or something to that effect.
But when he turned around, the only thing he could see were two eyes, black, huge and unblinking, staring right at him. And a completely stiffened mouth, as though Ryuuzaki had just realized he'd committed a grave sin. Of course: he'd let himself sleep and be off his guard in front of Raito. For Ryuuzaki, this must be viewed as a major vice.
Under normal circumstances, Raito would have said a sugar-coated 'good morning' without batting an eyelash. But now, after everything that had happened, he and Ryuuzaki just kept staring at each other as though trying to decipher the thoughts behind each other's obstinate stare. Did Ryuuzaki remember…? Did…?
A few minutes passed like this, until the detective finally broke eye contact and turned around, lying supine on his bed. His hand rose reflexively to touch the place on his ribcage where his wound had been, and Raito saw him heave a well-suppressed sigh of relief. So he'd been hurting more than he'd been letting on.
Ryuuzaki tried to sit up, with his black bangs kept unkempt by the gauze around his forehead, but, apparently, his injuries hadn't fully convalesced yet. With an inaudible gasp, which Raito wouldn't have noticed had he not been watching the other like a hawk, the detective was forced to lie back down.
His next step was to try to pull his knees against his chest, as though to curl in his usual position. But Ryuuzaki's abdominal muscles were incapable of constriction, so he obviously couldn't even rest in his favourite stance. Needless to say that Raito empathized, from past experience of being in that body. In fact, he could almost feel the distinctive small annoyance that had always accompanied Ryuuzaki's body: if Ryuuzaki didn't hunch his back and curl around himself, everything started feeling distracting and annoying. Raito remembered that he'd feel much more disoriented in Ryuuzaki's body if he didn't satisfy these urges. Typical of Ryuuzaki to have special physical needs. He was a social alien, after all.
L was now assessing his surroundings by moving his eyes around on a completely unmoving head. He wouldn't start speaking any time soon, at least that much was clear. And Raito realized that, had there not been a complete emergency for escape, the detective probably wouldn't have ever spoken to him after the rape in the first place.
In fact, it was most probable that Ryuuzaki would never call Raito by his first name, and he'd never make silly percentage calculations again. Because now, in the eyes of everyone, Raito was an uncontrolled monster…just because he'd let himself lose control. Just once was enough to wreck a lifetime of showing Ryuuzaki how composed and powerful he was.
Life wasn't fair sometimes. Even to Kira.
Ironically, thanks to Raito's rather dramatic and expressionistic display of violence, he had convinced L that he couldn't possibly be Kira. Ryuuzaki, in all probability, was now completely convinced that Raito was not Kira, since a figure as rigid, authoritative, self-composed and Godlike as Kira would never fall to an act of rape.
Actually, Raito didn't know what he was most remorseful about: the fact that Ryuuzaki now thought he was not Kira… or the fact that Ryuuzaki's assessment of Raito's character would change so radically.
Because Raito was convinced that L, despite his hypocritical words about Kira being a murderer, also understood that what Kira did wasn't a crime – it wasn't about losing control, but the exact opposite. It wasn't like what Raito had done to his sister. It was something completely different…it was a form of punishment…it was not a crime. He didn't want Kira to be seen as-…because he wasn't a-
-but…
But Raito doubted anyone else would understand that. They hadn't understood when he'd been alive, after all.
-
He had fully recuperated within a week. Doctors and nurses had kept entering and leaving the clinic room to check up both on him and his black-haired friend. Raito was quick to notice that, when the door of the room opened, there was no black void behind it. Everything looked absolutely natural.
Perhaps what was even more worrying was that, when his doctor had come to stand at the foot of his bed, Raito had looked at the patient log the white-coated man had been holding. It was the stack of papers with information on all patients…
…and Raito could read it.
No blank pages. No unnatural incomprehensibility. He could read it perfectly fine, and it was dated in September 2004. Everything seemed normal, everything seemed natural. And that was perhaps the most unnatural element of all.
The most dangerous thing of all was that Raito involuntarily had started to feel like he was in the real world. And if he was in the real world…then the rape he had committed was extremely real. And if it was real, then….
Ever since Ryuuzaki had woken up, he'd taken care never to fall asleep in front of Raito again. This lasted for about one and a half day, at which point a nurse came in, carrying a sleeping pill to counter the patient's 'insomnia'. Basically, Ryuuzaki had been forced to consume it, and had fallen asleep rather reluctantly soon afterwards.
Raito had stayed up and watched him sleep, not because he really wanted to, but mostly because he was reveling in the thrill of doing something Ryuuzaki clearly didn't want him to do.
And so seven days passed, and Raito's doctor, who had never seemed particularly friendly, entered his room. The chestnut-haired patient was presented with new clothes – old and worn, but at least completely clean. After he'd worn them, he'd been escorted to the doctor's office, where he'd been asked to sign certain medical forms.
Until, finally, when he'd almost spent half an hour sitting on a wiry chair in front of the doctor's desk, he'd been asked to stand up. He was expecting to be led back to his room.
But the doctor who was escorting him followed another path. They entered a dirty elevator, went down a corridor with slimy walls, turned left, turned another left and walked into room 346F.
Room 346F, in the middle of which was located only one single bed, with none other than Sayu Yagami lying on it, attached to serums and breathing machines.
Raito's heartbeat began to rise and his fingertips started convulsing uncontrollably. He turned toward the doctor, only to find the plump bald little man looking back at him. Raito clenched his jaw, keeping his visage completely blank. Why had he been brought…-?
"This is Yagami Sayu-san…am I correct?" the doctor stated, and the unfriendliness in his eyes started to gain new meaning in Raito's mind. "She is your sister."
Raito chose to make an affirmative sound, while his mind was frantically looking for ways to falsify the criminal charges. The doctor's sharp eye was telling him that he'd be blamed and arrested for the girl's rape if he didn't do something soon…although he didn't understand what has happening. He'd originally thought he was in a hallucination…but the world now seemed completely …
…normal.
Could it be that…all those scenes and nightmares…had they…really been a lie? No. No. It was impossible. Impossible. He'd never have raped Sayu if it hadn't been for the hellish powers overcoming him. This world just didn't make any sense! First he'd been trapped in a nightmare that looked like it belonged in Hell…
And now? Now he was trapped in another nightmare. Only this time it looked exactly like the real world, as he had lived in it in 2004 – the year Ryuuzaki had died. What the…what was going on?
He had to find a way out of this!
"Upon inspecting her body, we found signs that she was recently sexually violated." The doctor started, his beady black eyes piercing into Raito's skull "…raped, that is."
Raito's long experience with forging hypocritical expressions came in handy once again. He carefully schooled his face into a mask of extremely surprised dismay.
"What are you saying? Don't talk like that in front of her." he said loudly in an effort of distraction, making the doctor step back in slight surprise. He personally thought that his 'protective big brother' persona was rather well-adapted.
"Yagami-kun." The doctor said solidly, and kept his eyes set in a hostile frown "She could only have been raped by two men in the span she was trapped in there…And given that the semen we retrieved from her rapist is a perfect match with your DNA fingerprint…not to mention that a portion of the blood retrieved from your clothes was hers..." The doctor kept looking at him, as Raito stayed there, immobilized, looking at him.
He could see the new torture that was waiting for him.
He could see the scenario unfolding right in front of his eyes: it was unavoidable. He could see himself going to prison, along with all the other scumbags. And then, one day, he'd feel his heart stop. Kira would kill him, or something as tragically ironic as that. This hallucination was trying to make Raito see that he'd killed some criminals unjustifiably, by making him – who was technically not guilty of the crime – be mercilessly killed by Kira.
He was willing to bet his head that this was what was in store for him. This torture, obviously, was an effort to make him repent for using the Death Note. Now he'd be killed by Kira for being a rapist, even if he really was no criminal. This was just the logic of this place. And there was nothing he could do to prevent the events from unfolding: not even if he tried to pull an elaborate act.
"I don't understand what you're implying." He stated, deciding that he'd give it a try nonetheless, and act aggressive – offence was the best defense. Thus, he was surprised to see the doctor's eyes narrow ominously instead of widen in surprise.
"Don't play this game with me, young man." the older man said, and jerked his head roughly toward the girl "I know you raped your sister." An expression of complete disgust climbed on his face, and Raito had to keep repeating to himself that he was not guilty, in order not to feel nauseous. "And possibly hurt Hideki in the process."
It took a few seconds to remember that 'Hideki' was referring to Ryuuzaki's faux Japanese persona. "You must be insane." Raito finally stated, rigidly, making the doctor bare his flat teeth. "We withstood an entire earthquake, for goodness' sake."
"Don't look at me like that." The short man spat, taking a threatening step forward. Raito kept his ground, trying not to let show how fast his heart was palpitating inside. "Your sister may claim you never hurt her…but the evidence doesn't lie, and you'll get what you deserve."
For a few moments, Raito could hear nothing except his own heartbeat. The doctor's words sank in, and he turned to look at Sayu with a jerk of his head. The girl seemed at peace as she lay calmly on her bed.
"You will undergo interrogations by the police.." the doctor started saying, but his infuriated words faded into the distance, and Raito could only see the woman resting quietly. The only thing he could focus on now was the sound of her steady breathing, amplified by the breathing machine.
She'd…helped him? Why? Hadn't he harmed her? Didn't she want revenge? As a victim, didn't she wish to distribute justice?
There was a big part of Raito that was grateful towards her for not readily condemning him. But another part of him was unbelieving. He was confused. That girl…despite how badly he'd hurt her…she hadn't had the will to persecute him. And it couldn't have been for any other reason except that she was too ashamed – or weak – to follow justice. After all, their relationship as siblings was not so close so as to prevent her from blaming him out of love.
Raito felt intense gratitude, of course…most likely, this weakness of hers had saved him. However, it was all overpowered by a greater feeling of disappointment. Was this really the kind of society he'd been fighting for – where the supposed victims are too reluctant and ashamed to punish the criminals?!
Raito had never been a victim, so he wouldn't know what other factors were influencing Sayu's behaviour. However, seeing her resignation, which had ironically saved his life…he realized that the victims of the world had needed Kira more than Raito had thought. Kira had been there to revenge them and kill the crimnals, when they hadn't had the will to avenge themselves.
"And as for your fate after-" as the doctor droned on and on about how Raito would be brought to justice and would get what he deserved, the only thing Raito could think about was his new revelation. Kira had indeed been a saviour for society…not a criminal. Not a murderer, as Raito had fearfully started to think.
But there was something that was bothering Raito, too…it was like a lukewarm feeling: warm and cold at the same time. The world around him seemed so normal that it was becoming distracting…and Sayu's serene face, as he saw her lying there…it was all so real.
Had he…really raped someone?
Regardless of the existence of Kira and the Death Note…had he, Yagami Raito as a person… really become a…criminal? And if he was…was he still fit to Judge people as Kira?
He didn't like this doubt. It was the most dangerous thing that had ever happened to him. And the doubt was becoming stronger every moment he spent in this world. In this natural place, he'd slowly started feeling guiltier and guiltier.
Because it was an undeniable fact…that he'd lost control that time. No matter who had forced him to, he had been the one to ultimately make a choice and lose control.. And the fact that she had denied automatically all his charges was making his guilt even stronger – it was as though he was naturally conditioned to lying. Not once had it occurred to him to give himself up to the authorities, despite knowing how important it was to rid society of criminals…
Was this the kind of person he really was? A man who, regardless of the rigid ethics he believes in, will try to save his skin? He'd never wondered, in all his living years, what he would do if he ever became a criminal. Would he judge himself with the same mercilessness he judged all the others…?
Obviously not.
And now, seeing Sayu, he could almost imagine her, with her weak tearful face and shaking voice, denying everything. He could almost hear her voice sobbing "No, no…my brother would never do such a thing!"
She'd be saying this out of her own personal shame and she'd be trying to protect herself, putting the ordeal behind her. Raito had studied enough psychology to know how rape victims' minds work. However, despite the fact that he knew why she'd be saying it, this didn't alleviate the fact that…technically, he was guilty. And since he recognized the symptoms of victimization on someone…he should turn himself in, right?
Is that what a real Judge should have done? Is that what Kira would have done?
"He's not that kind of person!"
Actually….what kind of person was he? A man who killed for a living. But killing can be interpreted in a number of ways, according to who orders it to be done.
Perhaps the real question was…Did he kill as a Judge… or a murderer?
It wasn't so clear anymore.
-
More than five days passed, during which he was kept in the clinic. He'd been interrogated three times, and he'd done the only thing he could think of: deny, deny, deny. At this rate he'd be brought to trial…and if that happened, unless both Sayu and Ryuuzaki solidly refused his guilt, it was inevitable that he'd enter prison.Until then, however, he was willing to cling to that string of hope that he could convince Ryuuzaki to support him. So he denied everything in front of the police, time and time again.
And the days went by, each one slower, more angst-ridden and more torturous than the previous. Raito stayed with Ryuuzaki in their room, unwilling to roam the halls for longer than necessary. There was a security guard outside the door of course – Raito was considered a suspect for rape and would not be allowed to exit the room without an escort.
So Raito stayed inside, watching Ryuuzaki's fractured ribs rejuvenate. During the day, he mostly gazed out of the window or tried to focus on reading a novel. But no matter what he ever did, his thoughts would always return to that day, when he'd seen the slight smile on Sayu's sleeping face.
Ryuuzaki's rather laughable Japanese persona – 'Ryouga Hideki' – had apparently been revealed during the last few days he was awake. At first, Raito had thought the detective would be lost without Watari to adjust his connections to the outside world. He shouldn't have put it beyond L to have an ace hidden up his sleeve: Ryuuzaki had forged a completely false 'Hideki' persona for himself, complete with false family history and false medical/criminal records. The only thing real about 'Ryouga Hideki' was his preposterously high grades in the university entrance exams. So the doctors, after a long explanation about lost passports, lost ID cards and the panic of the earthquake, had left Ryuuzaki to convalesce in peace.
Another week had passed, in the same relaxed pace, and Raito now found himself reading a disengaging newspaper, which mainly focused on the dire effects of the earthquake and not on Kira's newest actions. The steady, repetitive sound of Ryuuzaki munching on his sweets – brought in by a disgruntled nurse – was rather comforting in its familiarity.
At some point, after a while, Raito shot a customary glance at the detective's direction, just to see where the other was looking. Humorously enough, he caught Ryuuzaki with half-closed eyes, as though fighting not to die of boredom. Raito couldn't even fathom how utterly sick of himself Ryuuzaki must be feeling, if he was unable to contain himself despite his great self-control. It seemed that without work to do and criminals to catch, Ryuuzaki was about as useful or interesting as a canvas without paint.
"You can go to sleep, you know." Raito decided to say, thinking about what a boring person Ryuuzaki truly was when he had nothing to act smart about. No wonder that no one had ever remembered Ryuuzaki for his personal qualities after his death…he didn't have any personal qualities. Even so, Raito was willing to bet that if they brought a chessboard in the room here and now, Ryuuzaki would suddenly become the most interesting and passionate person in the world.
But without someone to arrest, outsmart or some impossible obstacle to overcome…Ryuuzaki had no features, as a man. Save for the aggravating personal grooming habits and odd body posture, of course.
He watched Ryuuzaki's eyes widen immediately and gain their usual glassy quality at Raito's words. The detective was back to full focus as he let his black orbs slip to Raito, still not moving his head at all. It was kind of an odd way of looking at things, Raito thought. It slightly reminded him of that puppet. But Ryuuzaki would never smile like that, thankfully. In fact, Ryuuzaki would never smile in a million years.
"Is that what you're hoping, Yagami-kun?" Ryuuzaki's solid voice echoed, completely toneless and not without an underlying sense of curious mockery. Raito hated every minute of living with a person who had seen him in the weakest moment of his life. Most of all when that person was Ryuuzaki.
"It's just a suggestion." Raito concluded, deciding never to try to talk to Ryuuzaki again, unless it was absolutely necessary. Had Ryuuzaki cursed and spat at him, Raito would have honestly felt better. But it was the constant disinterest, and the way he was treated like any other nondescript criminal, that he could not stand. "But I suppose you still think I'll kill you in your sleep." Raito said, berating himself for sounding bitterer than he was.
Ryuuzaki was not fazed in the least. Or at least, he didn't seem to be. "Will you?" He asked and let his eyes widen in a display of fixation, never losing a chance to interrogate the suspect. How truly typical.
"So what are you going to do now?" Raito chose to ignore the implication, moving his eyes away from Ryuuzaki and watching the heart ultrasound machines instead. He was getting more and more restless about his future as a criminal "Now that the investigation has fallen apart…am I still a suspect? Will you continue towing me along?"
The pause that followed was more prolonged than Raito was comfortable with. He'd been expecting a solid negative response, since he was sure that Ryuuzaki now believed him too volatile to be Kira. But, now detecting L's hesitation, he turned to watch the other man in disbelief.
"The percentage that Yagami-kun is Kira has increased." Ryuuzaki quizzically said.
The statement fell between them like a column of ice, shattering the fixed parameters upon which Raito had built his world. He looked at Ryuuzaki's stare, devoid of life and devoid of sentiment. The very embodiment of Ryuuzaki himself.
"…what?"
"I said that Yagami-kun's possibility of being Kira has augmented." Ryuuzaki repeated, turning his body to the side and now facing Raito with the entirety of his bandaged skull "Kira is consistently subject to turbulent compulsions, when it comes to a threat to his person."
'Turbulent compulsions …like the way Raito had raped his sister in order to alleviate his own problem?
And just like that, Raito realized that he was having the discussion. The conversation that he'd wished to have all along. This was Ryuuzaki, finally talking about what had happened. Finally! Through proving his innocence to the detective, Raito would be able to solve the constant doubts in his mind, about the nature of Kira's Judgements. Raito considered L the most intelligent man he'd met, despite their many differences. He also appreciated L's analytical obsession – L would assess the situation with just as much cold indifference as Raito. This is why Raito could trust this discussion to give him the ultimate answer to his constant ambivalence.
There was silence, broken only by the steady beats of the ultrasound machines. Ashamed, Raito realized that the machine connected to his heart was beating faster and faster by the second, even though he was taking care to appear completely expressionless on the outside. How ironic that the greatest perfidy of all was his own heartbeat!
"So you're saying that Kira's characteristic, instead of killing criminals…is 'compulsions'?" Raito asked, trying to indirectly squeeze an answer out of Ryuuzaki.
"Yes." Ryuuzaki stated simply, black eyes practically sinking into Raito's skin. Ryuuzaki hadn't really answered the question… but at the same time answered it completely, in typical L fashion.
After dropping his bomb, the detective turned around again, lying supine and completely at ease, eyes finally averted from Raito's face and focused on the ceiling instead. Raito was left to process what he'd heard, trying to find a way to falsify it.
"How so, Ryuuzaki? I thought that the reason for Kira's appeal is his trend of killing criminals." he finally chose to say, trying not to make his admiration for Kira's work betray him. Let Ryuuzaki be the one forced to elaborate.
Ryuuzaki's eyes drilled right into Raito's skull as he continued munching on his candycane, the lethargic face deceptive of his inner sharp attention. "Has Yagami-kun forgotten than Kira doesn't only kill criminals? Despite the image the media are trying to portray, Kira's psychological profile never matched that of a judge…or else we would have looked elsewhere from the start. In fact, much like myself" Ryuuzaki said, his mouth filled with the sweet and his eyes piercing through Raito's thoughts "Kira behaves consistently. Like a petulant child, who rejects – in this case, kills – anyone who opposes him."
"Petulant child…I suppose you have a point Ryuuzaki." Raito's sugar coated voice echoed, giving away nothing of his inner fury. L didn't know what he was saying! Kira always worked with justice as the highest ideal! And the innocent few he had killed had always died for the good of society!
One of the few things that stopped Raito from lashing out was that L had indirectly degraded himself too, in his previous statement.
But Ryuuzaki wasn't finished yet. After a long, rather impassioned lick on the candy, he spoke again "Kira's 'justice' is juvenile in its absolute nature. Not to mention that his sense of justice is inconsistent: according to the situation which he's under, Kira is readily prepared to kill innocents in order to save himself. Remember Lind Taylor, Yagami-kun."
"I thought that man was a convict, wasn't he?" Raito pretended to be naïve.
"Kira did not know that. At the time he killed Taylor, he believed he was killing me – an innocent, who had done no crime but oppose him." Ryuuzaki answered rigidly, without batting an eyelash. "From that moment, Kira's primary goal became to prove his greatness…not to attribute justice."
And the problem with this argument was that, no matter how much Raito wished to deny it… by remembering the last few moments of his life, it was impossible to refuse. Not only that; but his recent revelations about the questionable guilt of criminals and the possible errors of Kira's Judgments was only fuelling his uncertainty.
Had Kira truly been…nothing but a 'petulant child'? Not a divine deliverer, but an ostentatious megalomaniac?
No…that was impossible. True, Raito had learnt his belated lesson when Ryuuku had killed him. He'd been disillusioned to think that he had the Gods on his side…or that he even was God. By the end, he'd learnt his lesson…
But Kira…Kira's ideal New World had been no lie.
…or had it!?
Panicked by the growing doubts, Raito decided to tackle the issue at hand:
"And what does Kira's petulance have to do with…with…" he couldn't bring himself to utter it, unable to accept he'd done it – even in a hallucination.
Ryuuzaki's razor brain, however, caught the implication within milliseconds "Raito-kun was fully prepared to sidestep boundaries upon realizing his own body was under strain."
Raito was too preoccupied with the argument to realize that, perhaps in a small slip, Ryuuzaki had used his first and not his last name. "That doesn't make me petulant. You exaggerate without knowing the full circumstances. You can't possibly conceive what I experienced. I would have gone mad had I not -"
"Why are you telling me this?" Ryuuzaki's voice, uncharacteristic in its suddenness, sliced through the air. Raito was almost glad to see the black eyes twist out of focus for a few seconds. It was almost unreal now, but he could tell, by the unique experience of having shared a body, that Ryuuzaki was becoming anxious….even though he looked nothing like it.
"Because I want you to know I'm not 'compulsive', like Kira. There was a very good reason for what I did." ' Kira is not compulsive either', Raito thought, with spite. 'Kira is the personification of not only an ideal world, but an ideal Judge – a true, flawless Judge who is able to cleanse the world!'
"Yagami-kun is not trying to convince me of anything, because I never asked for specifications. I have already assessed the facts." Ryuuzaki concluded, with a long suction on his sweet, eyes fixed on Raito's face "The one you're trying to convince is yourself."
"You say that because you like the idea of me being a criminal." Raito countered, keeping his tone utterly calm and composed. In fact, in all honesty, he sounded quite jovial. Had one been listening in on the conversation, they would have thought the two rivals were being genial, not having a heated debate.
"The facts cannot be overlooked, despite the will or lack of will to override them." Ryuuzaki then said, with a face that betrayed none of his thoughts. His rough black hair fell over the gauge around his forehead, shading part of his dark eyes and white skin.
Raito realized that, if he truly wanted to prove his true innocence, he'd have to reveal everything. And the continuous torture of this self-doubt, combined with the constant strain of keeping a pretentious mask, made him weary enough to chance a half-hearted attempt at honesty.
"I never claimed I didn't commit the act." Ryuuzaki stared at him, and Raito could practically feel the black eyes closing down like electronic sensors on his every word "What I said was that I didn't intend to commit it." He looked at Ryuuzaki's eyes, completely unresponsive and emotionless, and found no solace. But he didn't give up, and continued "But it was overpowering, and at some point it felt as though I couldn't breathe. I wasn't acting out of compulsion – out of necessity. As though I'd been possessed to do it." He concluded, trying to make the illogical argument sound as logical as possible.
"Then you could have raped me instead. If you had, you would have considered the Law of Retaliation, and selected the victim that could retaliate."
There was complete and utter silence. Nothing could be heard except for the sound of breathing, and the breaking sensation of smouldering, glaring eyes as they clash against each other. Raito hadn't really processed what he had heard. It was so sudden, so utterly unprovoked, that it literally pushed the breath out of his lungs. A few moments of blind confusion later, he could feel his own blood storming upwards. He kept completely silent, trying to buy time and think of a good rebuttal.
"Had Raito-kun been truly desperate, you would have raped even a man. But you made a choice, and preferred to rape a woman. Isn't that so?"
The functions in Raito's brain had been reduced to nothingness. The only thing he could hear was the echo of Ryuuzaki's words. The doubts about his criminal act being a result of enforcement were flickering. Had he…actually had a choice in the matter?
"I…would have never thought of it." He finally decided to say, thinking that it surmised his thesis adequately. Ryuuzaki's eyes seemed to have some sort of newfound darkness in them at that moment, a darkness Raito hadn't noticed or seen before.
"If you'd chosen upon the basis of blind arousal, as you claim, you would have readily assaulted me. I was right in front you, after all." There was no trace of disgust in his voice, only the monotonousness of someone who knows he's winning a flat debate. "But you took the time to choose the one who'd best satisfy you."
Raito floundered, suddenly remembering the few frantic moments of morbid arousal that had preceded his sister's rape. It was true…it never even crossed his mind to- or had it? He'd been desperate, that was for sure. …It hadn't been his fault who he would-
Had he…
Was he…?
The doubt was now starting to consume his mind. Had he really been in control of his actions after all? If he accepted that he'd been in control, then he'd recognize himself as a criminal. And even though that would justify Kira's actions…that would make Raito a rapist.
Oh, he didn't know! It was too blurry, too confusing…and L's eyes were too black as they stared at him, reflecting Raito's own tightly concealed befuddlement.
'What kind of argument is Ryuuzaki using anyway?' Raito thought with disgruntlement. L's argument was completely erroneous – not to mention childish. Did it matter who Raito would rape – if it would be his sister or another man? He'd have raped someone none the less – the crime would be just as severe. Was Ryuuzaki honestly immoral enough to suggest that the only difference between the two rapes was that Ryuuzaki could retaliate where Sayu couldn't? And that if Raito had chosen Ryuuzaki instead of Sayu, then that would not make him a criminal? What kind of logic was that?
So…should Raito be excused for his act or not? Ryuuzaki didn't seem to grasp what Raito was saying: Raito had never wanted to rape anyone, regardless of whom. The problem who he'd raped, but that he'd raped in the first place. The reason he'd chosen Sayu was that, in all probability, the memory of her being raped by their father had been too fresh, and it had unconsciously made him think of her as the only possible rape victim.
But now that he thought about it…At that time, he might have just as well raped Ryuuzaki. The difference would have been minuscule, except maybe for the disturbing possibility that Ryuuzaki might have raped him in return. Ugh…This trail of thought was becoming rather disturbing.
But, in either case…Raito's doubt had still not been resolved. In the end, was he or was he not a true criminal? No, he wasn't. He hadn't been acting on his own accord. It should have occurred to him to try harder to keep himself from committing the crime – tying himself up, for example…But in the long term…he hadn't been responsible.
Reaching a dead end, he resulted to the only argument he could depend on. Because, obviously, he could never convince Ryuuzaki that he'd been acting under the influence of demonic powers…but he could still say one more thing.
"Ryuuzaki…you said yourself that you've known me for a long time." He said, frustrated at the doubt he could hear in his own voice, and the fact that he was resorting to getting advice from Ryuuzaki, of all people "Do you really believe I'm uncontrollable enough to commit a crime such as this?"
There was a short pause, during which Raito could practically hear the gears sparking in the detective's black-haired skull. And then, L spoke.
"Belief and excuse are irrelevant. The fact has already occurred." Ryuuzaki sweet-filled mouth uttered, his facial muscles going lax. Raito could practically hear the words echo around him as they were spoken, as though they'd been taken directly from his memory...Raito had said those same words on countless occasions, when deciding to kill criminals, after all.
But Ryuuzaki was wrong. Raito, too, had been wrong…things weren't so absolute when it came to crime…Maybe some criminals, like Raito, had never wanted to-
Yes…those words. Raito remembered saying something like them on countless occasions. Usually, he'd also said that, 'as long as the crime has been committed, regardless of the excuses the criminal tries to make, punishment must be attributed'. And Raito had never punished the ones who'd repented for their past crimes – compared to Mikami, he'd even been rather lenient, as any true 'God' should be.
But Raito was no God…that much had been proved by the ending of his life. Even Mikami, his most firm 'believer', had shouted to Raito, clearly and loudly, that as long as Raito was subject to human persecution and the Shinigami's power…he was still no God.
But now, with L's words, Raito realized something. If he'd really been viewing the world as L viewed him – unmoved by all reasons and beliefs – then he couldn't have possibly escaped killing some criminals who had not been truly guilty.
Just as Raito was now. If Raito was killed by Kira, right now, for being a rapist, then Kira's Judgement would not be fair.
It was an undisputed fact in Raito's mind, now, that, as Kira…he'd killed some criminals who might have not been as guilty as they seemed. And since, by the long hours of studying history of law enforcement, Raito had seen that human laws are ineffective to preserve true justice…even some of the criminals he killed, who had been imprisoned under the sovereignty of human law…might have actually been innocent.
Raito…no, Kira…Kira, the ideal judge…had killed innocents.
This revelation, in turn, made Raito's mind susceptible to other possibilities. Since he'd been wrong about Kira's indisputable sense of justice…was it possible that he'd been wrong somewhere else, as well?
Was it possible that what Ryuuzaki had said was true? Was Kira nothing but a 'petulant' murderer, who killed anyone who opposed him…?
But that's impossible. Even though Raito was torturously learning to accept, after Sayu's rape, that he may have misjudged the true nature of criminals…it was impossible for him to accept that Kira…what Kira represented…
Kira was the high ideal. The only force able to construct the New World. Raito had started by eliminating only the criminals.
…But it was true that, after the appearance of L, Near an the others…he really had killed people, only because they'd opposed him.
But it had all been excusable murders…because they were done for the sake of a high ideal world, which would benefit society much more than the individual lives that were sacrificed!
However, if Raito had been wrong about the nature of inexcusable crime, under certain circumstances…was it possible that he was now wrong about the nature of excusable crime as well…?
In other words…had everyone he'd killed under the pretext of the New World…? Had the New World been nothing but a pretext for him to kill the people he didn't like!?
Had he been murdering innocents, just because he'd hated people to oppose him…? Hadn't there been the ideal goal in those sacrifices?
'Of course their deaths were committed for the sake of the New World…' he thought firmly and automatically. But after a few seconds later, his heart sinking as he thought of the fact that he'd killed some criminals without attributing real justice, he thought again 'Perhaps I could have…avoided some deaths more than some others.'
Or was he mistaken again? Was he being too lenient on himself? Was he being 'petulant child'? Now, after raping Sayu, he'd come to realize how criminals think…
In that case…had he been wrong to try and kill criminals altogether? Should he have never convinced himself that some people are better of dead…? Was everything wrong? Was everything contradictory?
He didn't know what an ideal world would look like, anymore, if criminals could simultaneously be victims.
He didn't know.
And the doubt was killing him.
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Please read the following note
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a/n: Wow. That was a LOT of changes!! I'm sorry I had to change it so much – I know that many reviewers out there really liked the previous style, and I have to tell you that the reviews I got for this chapter are some of the best that I've ever gotten in my life! I liked the previous one too…But after reading and rereading and checking and rechecking, I came to the conclusion that it would be better to alter it. I have a much better idea of what I want to do now! By continuing the trial, I'm planning to reach a new goal! I'm going to make it turn out better than before. The romance is going to intensify again, and this time, it's going to spawn more subtly and naturally!
Why did I make the changes? For one thing, Raito was OOC. Yes, yes! I know that most readers have said that he wasn't …But seriously, guys, he was. And after I received some feedback and started rereading the whole chapter, I realized that…at some point, he was WILDLY OOC.
Although we all would like him to become a good guy, Raito would NEVER, EVER get a Sudden Romantic Epiphany about loving Ryuuzaki and about being a criminal– that's a classic fangirl trap, and I fell into it head first. By making him renounce Kira, I'm basically turning this fic into just another average Raito/Ryuuzaki, where Raito is going to repent just like that!
The very magic of DN is that, no matter how MUCH we want him to, Raito NEVER repents. I'm going to give this quality to this story – make readers hate and love him at the same time. Hate him for being unrepentant and love him for…well… being unrepentant.
I fell into this trap because I was trying to do too many things at once: have them fall in love plus bring the trial to an end plus turn Raito into a good guy…it seemed rushed. Albeit it might have been a DN fangirl's puppy…it was overdramatized and not faithful to the manga.
And I can't live with that! I've sworn to myself that I'll make a fanfic as much in-character as I can. And not only that – when I finish this story, I want to reach a moral conclusion about Kira. I realize that most people want to read soap opera style fanfics (which is why you see some very average stories get 9843 reviews, or something) but I think of what I'm doing as literature, and in my opinion literature, no matter how yaoi-fan, must have some themes except 'yay!! Raito and L got together!!'. By doing these changes now, I'm going to make the story better than it ever was! PLEASE trust me on this, and show me your trust by staying tuned.
Imagine what the fic would look like if we actually manage to make in-character Kira!Raito believably fall in love with in-character L!Ryuuzaki! Until now, we've all lived with thinking that OOC Raito/L will never happen. Making Raito/Ryuuzaki NOT be OOC…
…
Let's do the impossible!
