So, the weirdness with Dr. Weth continues, and this time we hear Martha's mostly unedited inner thoughts.
I hope you won't find this format of Martha's journal a cheap trick. It has a purpose! Enjoy!
THREE
Four days later, Martha's journal
Entry #18:
I'd love to begin this entry with a date, but I have absolutely no idea what the date is. Haven't had since I stepped foot in the TARDIS… how-ever-many months ago. I'm only marginally sure of the year, at any given moment.
So Entry #18 will have to do. As the TARDIS wanted, I'm keeping a chronicle of my side of things. This is the first I've written on dealing with Dr. Hilde Weth, marriage counselor-cum-Tertia Trochos whose real objective is to break up partnerships, not "counsel" them. Here's my take.
I just finished my second appointment with her. The Doctor thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if I went in alone. He wondered if Weth would get more aggressive, or whether the opposite would happen. He thought it might tell us more about her motives.
Honestly, it didn't feel like she had got more aggressive, nor did it particularly feel like she was in retreat. And if I'm one hundred per cent honest, at times, it was a bit too easy to forget that she wasn't a real therapist. She was not 100 per cent believable 100 per cent of the time, but I will admit, she's well-practised.
She asked me where "John" was, with a sympathetic look on her face. I did as the Doctor had asked, and said that he had decided not to come because was upset by the previous session.
"That can happen," Dr. Weth said. "Men in particular get a bit sensitive when we do what they perceive as perhaps attacking their feelings."
Don't I know it.
"But it is important that he continue to join you in therapy," she reminded me.
I agreed that that was true, and that I was sure he knew this, but he simply refused to come today. She told me to sit down and talk with her. So I did.
I played the part, but I had gone in already unsteady because I feel like Weth got a bit too close to the truth last time… and now it was confirmed that she knew it.
John is scared. Score one for the Tertia Trochos.
So, she dug into that even further, which was what we expected.
"Did the two of you have a conflict after leaving my office last time? A row?" she asked.
"No," I said. "We just… you know, talked about what to have for dinner, and then had dinner."
"Have you been intimate this past week?"
I hated that question, and I thought about saying no. The Doctor would probably want me to say "no" because there needs to appear to be more unrest. But I don't think the Doctor fully understands just how much fucking UNREST there actually is in our not-marriage, not-relationship, maybe-friendship, not-definable-partnership…
Now I was the scared one. So I said, "Yes, nothing out of the ordinary there."
"How do you know that he was upset by the last session?" she wanted to know.
"He said as much this morning. I didn't like being put on the spot like that, he said. I tried telling him, that's just what therapy is like, and that's why we're doing it, and by the way, we were both put on the spot, not just him. But he wouldn't listen. So here I am."
"Indeed, that's why you're doing this," she told me. And maybe it's just because I know her intent, but I swear I saw a glint in her eye, like a wolfish, mischievous hunger of some sort, when she said this. Her German accent didn't help matters. "That tells me that we did, indeed, hit on something important."
I wondered at that point if I could continue to talk with her and do what the Doctor wanted, dig into the Mochthos, let her think she was winning, without actually exposing more of our (too-close-to-the-) truth.
Actually, I had a million questions in that moment, and I was flying blind.
I felt like I needed the Doctor's advice, but he wasn't there. And anyway, he was perhaps the one person in the universe who COULD NOT give me advice in this particular situation.
(It's worth mentioning here, that this is the Catch-22 of my recent existence. My personal Mochthos, the 'central conflict' of my life, is literally the one thing I cannot discuss with the person I trust the most. I trust him with my life, but not my heart. I suppose he knows that he holds my life in his hands a lot of the time, but not that he hold my heart in them also.)
So I played dumb, and asked, "How do you mean?"
And she said, "We discovered the fact that he is not yet over his ex-wife. You feel shunted aside because he has not been able to give himself to you fully, for lack of taking time to work through his feelings about her. And he is irritated that we have uncovered this."
I chuckled and said, "I guess we got married too soon."
"It's tempting to wonder if he's using the marriage as a refuge for his pain. The way some people use alcohol, he is abusing your love."
That hurt to hear, even though it's fake. All fake… right?
Also, what an awful thing for a therapist to say! If there had been any doubt before that she's trying to force a split, this might have clinched it.
I continued to play along. "If we'd taken more time, I suppose I would have seen that, and either run for the hills, or been able to help him before committing the rest of my life to him."
"That is very possible," she agreed. "Do you think about, as you said, running for the hills sometimes, Martha?"
I wasn't sure what the Doctor would want me to say here, not understanding her M.O., her purpose, but I said, "Sure. Not a lot, but… sure. Doesn't every married person think that once in a while?"
She looked at me sympathetically once again, but did not answer the question.
"I think I already know what you'll say, Martha, but this past week, have you asked him about it?"
"About his ex?"
"Yes."
"No. He keeps that pretty close to the chest, so to speak," I said.
"Well, we will excavate that site the next time he is here," she said.
I thought that excavate that site was an interesting and apt metaphor, so I told her so.
"I like to think of myself as an emotional archaeologist," she told me with a sly smile.
"I'll just bet you do," I replied, also with a sly smile. And then I said, "The science comparison speaks to me."
"How so?"
"Well, John and I are both scientists, basically. We've both participated in research and experiments... I suppose there's nothing that says we can't treat the process of repairing our relationship like the scientific method. If he won't come in for therapy, then…"
"Are you suggesting digging into this on your own, at home?"
"Perhaps, with your help. You could give me some strategies, some…"
"Oh, absolutely not," she interrupted, quite serious. "Like a scientific experiment, this is a dangerous thing for those not trained."
"Really? Well, a lot of couples work through their troubles on their own."
"But once you have opened the door to therapy, and someone like me has unearthed the problem and exposed the nerves of the relationship, it is extraordinarily treacherous territory to try and tread unprepared. The nerve centre is vulnerable. It takes a professional to coax it to health."
"All right, if you say so," I shrugged, but inside, I was making note of this turn of events.
"That doesn't make any chuffing sense," the Doctor remarked, not quietly, later on, when I told him what Weth had said. "Why would she not want us to dig into the Mochthos more, while she's not there? Doesn't it make her job easier? Make things go faster? Split the so-called 'nerve centre' open even more, and make us even more susceptible to… whatever it is she's doing? Without her even having to try?"
"That's what I thought!" I told him.
It was a good question, and I thought we would discuss it more, but he asked, "What did she say when you told her I was upset about last time?"
"Something like, men get irritated when you get them to open up."
"Did she get more aggressive about the ex-wife thing?"
"Sort of," I said. "She did ask about it, but she didn't harp on. She asked a bit about my family, my fantasies of possibly leaving you for Clive Owen, that sort of thing."
The Doctor, fortunately, realised I was joking, and chuckled.
But nothing more came of the discussion, other than, he said we should think about our strategy for next session, which is in three days' time.
Tonight at dinner, I think I'll bring it up, and suggest that we pivot again, maybe go back to the concept that my family thinks he's "some schmuck" (his words, surprisingly) and it causes all sorts of unconscious angst. Because I don't think I can go on pretending that this "he's hung up on his ex" thing doesn't bother me, when we're on down-time together.
First of all, it bothers me because it bothers me for all the usual reasons.
But it's also bothering me precisely because it's what bothers me! Because as I have told the Doctor, IT IS TOO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH. (Not that he cared – he acted like it was a ridiculous notion and never brought it up again. I have no idea what to do with that just now – why is he not worried about it? He should be bloody well worried!)
If Weth's best chance at splitting up a couple is to get at the thing that is actually causing a problem in the heart of the relationship, then pursuing this line of inquiry could mean real disaster for us! It will cause a rift between me and the Doctor, and it will allow Weth to carry on doing what she's doing.
Right now, I'm honestly unclear on whether we could resist that split if she really did get her claws into us, or whether, by knowing what she's up to, we're even in any kind of danger from her. I'd like to believe that. But perhaps she actually DOES have some sort of sense about being misled, that really will take us down if she knows the right button to push.
And as much as I hate to admit it, that button is Rose. For all intents and purposes, the Doctor's ex. And as I figure it, his obsession with her, her disappearance, the apparent lack of closure, the potential never realised with her, et cetera et cetera, is a big reason why he keeps me at arm's length. At the very least, he's afraid of it happening again. Whether it's what keeps us from being TOGETHER together, I don't know. But it's definitely what keeps me on-edge all the time, wondering what's on his mind, wondering if he sees me, or just sees through me. Sees what once was. Sees someone inadequate in her shadow, perhaps while imagining what he'd be saying and doing with Rose, if she were standing in front of him, instead of me.
I'm terrified that the fact that Weth has worked out, by accident or not, the Doctor (or "John's") Achilles heel, will actually drive us apart as a partnership, somehow. More than it already has.
And goddammit, underlying all of this is the fact that we are not TOGETHER together.
But we have to pretend to be, and that is bloody painful. The fact that I'm hopelessly, to-my-own-detriment in love, and he either doesn't know or doesn't care, has never been more at the forefront of my mind and heart. The fact that "our relationship" is being talked about all the time, that we're pretending it's something it's not – we're pretending it's something I'd like it to be, and I have to pretend to be all right with it…
It feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen.
I'll do what he asks. I'd follow him to the edge of the universe, and beyond, of course. But I don't know if I'll come out unscathed this time.
So, thoughts? Predictions, ideas? Questions? Let me know... reviews = love. Honestly.
Thank you so much for reading!
