Apparently, foundational heroics on Thursday involved a field trip somewhere off-campus. It was rescue training, according to Aizawa, and so they could choose to wear their costumes or not, as some of them restricted movement or made it otherwise cumbersome to do things that rescue would necessitate. That was where Izuku found himself in a torn state, stuck between wanting to do as well as he could at this rescue training, since this had been the kind of hero he'd looked up to the most as a kid, but also wanting to wear his special gloves in order to completely minimise the chance that he accidentally uses his Quirk on something. It was mostly anxiety driven, but he eventually made a choice, that being to wear his costume. He walked over, picked up his case and joined his classmates in moving out the door in order to change, which all the rest of the class had elected to do as well.
Izuku met a glowing Uraraka at the door, and the two of them started walking to the changing rooms together. She was practically blinding him with that smile, the sight of which caused a small smile to form on his own face. Uraraka seemed to be hopping on the spot as she walked, all but shaking with how excited she was. He knew that she wanted to be a rescue hero, so this was probably like getting a Christmas gift after the primarily combat-focused classes they'd been through that week. Izuku, too, found that he was getting excited for the chance to show his stuff when it came to rescue, as he was also dissatisfied with how combat-centric the hero course had been so far. Letting himself laugh lightly at the way Uraraka showed her enthusiasm, he turned to her and spoke.
"I take it you're excited," he said, more of a statement than a question. He knew she was, this was just to prompt her, since it looked like Uraraka was dying to talk about it.
"How could I not be? This is what I want to do with my life! Don't tell me you're not the least bit eager to get into this stuff!" she said quickly, her massive grin somehow growing wider and making a warmth come to Izuku's face.
"I am. I'm not sure about this 'mystery guest', though," Izuku replied. Aizawa had mentioned that there were going to be three teachers on site for this class; himself, All Might and a third, other teacher. Izuku didn't know who it could be, so he'd just have to wait and see.
"That was a little confusing, since I thought we had just a single teacher for each class, but still! We're doing rescue training!" Uraraka said. Not for a second did she lose the bright eagerness on her face, which made Izuku's own smile widen slightly at the raw strength of Uraraka's excitement, which really was contagious.
The two of them had to branch off after that, going into different changing rooms. Izuku entered the boys' area, and immediately made his way into a stall to change. He put his costume on quickly, sliding on the pants and undershirt, the jacket with the vest built into it, leaving it unzipped this time. It was warmer that day, and if Izuku was right about Aizawa's implication that they'd be doing a lot of moving around, which was a safe assumption for any practical heroics lesson, then he'd probably overheat if he was bundled up like that, and he needed to have more caution about that now that Recovery Girl was watching him. So, he let the jacket hang around him loosely, instead of clinging around him like normal. He was lucky he could choose stuff like this, since the armour was built inside the material of the jacket and split down the middle with the jacket itself, and not just stuck on the inside and left exposed if the jacket was left open. That'd be too stiff, and so the choice had been made to leave it to behave like a real piece of clothing, which Izuku was grateful for. He put everything in place; his gloves, boots, mask and hood, and all the other accessories that went with the costume in record time. Granted, he'd only put it on once before, so records weren't set in stone just yet, but it was still something.
Izuku emerged from the stall he'd chosen to find most others still changing. He guessed they weren't as excited as some others were about this. No, that was rude. They were probably just taking their time to get everything properly in place. Besides, Izuku had what was possibly one of the lowest-maintenance costumes in class, right next to Kaminari and Jiro, whose names he'd finally learned, and who shared in Izuku's choice of costume being practically civilian clothes on steroids. In fact, Kaminari was sitting on a bench fidgeting with his fingers and occasionally using his Quirk to generate an electric charge between them. Izuku thought the Quirk was cool, as flashy ones like that were always interesting to look at, but discharging electricity from the body would serve him well as a hero. He could restore power to disaster sites, shock bad guys into unconsciousness, and even theoretically control peoples' bodies, but that was dependent on how precisely he could control the electricity he generated. Kaminari was also pretty relaxed and friendly, so it made it easy to talk to him, whereas someone like Yaoyorozu or the boy with the head of a bird would probably give him a brain aneurysm just trying it. They just had a serious air about them, and Izuku didn't really feel like they were approachable, but Kaminari had that kind of down to earth feeling that he appreciated.
"Hey, dude," Kaminari said, bringing Izuku out of his head.
"Hi," Izuku replied shortly.
For all Kaminari seemed like an approachable guy, that said nothing of the way he liked to talk. Izuku didn't know how to match his conversational rhythm with a person he didn't know. Uraraka liked to talk fast, and about things that weren't necessarily important, like food and what hobbies she thought the teachers had, and Iida liked to talk about more long-reaching, overall important things, like how the small bits of homework they'd been given so far related to their coursework and what, if anything thus far, was going to be tested on their final exams. Izuku didn't think he had a specific conversational rhythm, because he liked to match others', but he didn't know about Kaminari, and that made it hard to start a conversation with the guy. Izuku was well aware that this was insane, and that he probably shouldn't think too hard about it, but he couldn't really help it. It was the first thing that he thought when he started talking with someone knew, and he couldn't stop. He didn't know when he'd picked this habit up, but it'd stuck.
"Hey, you're always talking to Uraraka, right?" Kaminari asked suddenly after a period of silence. Izuku really needed to get his head in the game.
"Um, yes? Wait—always? Do you think I talk to her too much? Do you think she's noticed that? Should I back off?" Izuku asked, rapidly firing off questions at a bewildered Kaminari.
"Dude, no. I was gonna ask if she's single. She's pretty cute, and out of anybody, you'd know if she's available," Kaminari corrected Izuku, and oh boy.
Izuku felt his face get hot. He frowned, and felt a squeeze in his chest like nothing he'd ever felt before. No, he'd definitely felt this before. It was like … like that time in the classroom. It was that first day, when Aizawa had conducted his tests, and Mineta had been talking to him about Uraraka. It had made him feel something, like a white hot flash of anger that streaked through him in an instant. He was mad, almost irrationally so, and Izuku didn't know why. Well, he knew why, but he'd agreed to put those feelings away for now, so why get mad? It wasn't like he and Uraraka were together, so he shouldn't feel so angry about Kaminari asking if she was single. Izuku felt all his thoughts pause as he mulled over that question. Was she? He didn't actually know. He'd assumed so, but he had never asked. Izuku didn't feel like it was his business, and Uraraka had never brought it up, so maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. That flash of anger suddenly morphed into something closer to embarrassment as Izuku realised the assumptions he'd made were dangerous. He was pretty sure Uraraka didn't reciprocate whatever feelings he had, but he'd never considered that Uraraka wasn't even in a position for it. It may not even be an option. Somehow, that hurt more.
"I don't know," Izuku said, remembering that he was still in a conversation.
He felt dejected now, like all the excitement about the upcoming lesson had been wrung out of him like a wet sponge. He'd decided to put away his feelings, so why did it hurt so much to realise they may never have gone anywhere anyway? It was stupid. He was being stupid. Izuku had heroics stuff to think about, not silly things like a … nevermind, he couldn't even think about it without that feeling poking at his chest, like a sharp needle waiting for him to turn a corner and come flying out and say, 'Uraraka doesn't like you the way you like her. Ha!'. It was stupid and childish, and Izuku was at UA. He couldn't get tripped up on stuff like this. He was supposed to be focused on his goal? Why couldn't Izuku just pull himself together and focus on his goal?
"Hey man, are you—?" Kaminari tried, but Izuku waved him off.
"I'm fine. I'm actually gonna go," Izuku said, standing.
"Okay. Hey, if I said something that—" the blond tried, but Izuku held a hand up to stop him again.
"Really. I just … if we've changed, we shouldn't keep Aizawa waiting," he said, hating how easily the lie slipped out. He couldn't talk about this anymore, and Aizawa was waiting by the staff parking lot with a bus that'd take them to the location. They shouldn't have kept him waiting, but he also needed a way to get out of this conversation. They coincidentally aligned.
"Right," Kaminari said, then silently watched Izuku leave.
On the way to the parking lot, Izuku thought about how tripped up he was still getting about Uraraka. This had to stop. He had to find a way to make these feelings go away. He got way too flustered around her, and angry when someone else talked about her in a way that implied they were interested in her romantically or … whatever Mineta's deal was. He didn't know what it was. Was it jealousy? Was Izuku jealous of Kaminari for having the courage to say out loud what he couldn't? Maybe. Was he jealous of Mineta? Of course not. That was a silly idea to even entertain. None of the girls would talk to him, and a lot of the guys steered clear. So what was his anger at Mineta for? It was like he'd felt defensive when Mineta had talked about Uraraka, like he had been insulted. The little twerp had implied that he was friends with Uraraka because she was good-looking, and it had gotten to him. Of course, she was, but that was more like an added bonus. A really, very good bonus, but it wasn't the main thing he was interested in her for. Sure, maybe it had overtaken his perception of her lately, but that was an unintended, unforeseen side-effect of their friendship. He'd wanted to be Uraraka's friend long before he'd notice the way her hair bounced around like it defied gravity itself.
So that was it. Jealousy was new to Izuku. Growing up, he'd had given anything to be anybody but himself the way he was, but that wasn't out of any desire for the things others had. That had been born out of a desire to stop the harassment and abuse he'd suffered because of his precise method of existence. Outright envy, or—was that even the right word? He knew that they had to technically mean different things, since envy and jealousy were considered distinct enough to be separate words, but then again, synonyms were a thing. Izuku reluctantly took his phone out and searched up the difference. Apparently, envy was wanting what someone else has, whereas jealousy was the fear of people taking what you already had. Well, that was something Izuku learned, and even if it got him no closer to understanding how to resolve this problem, he now had a word for it. Izuku was envious of others' … what, confidence? Sure, confidence. That seemed to be the root of all Izuku's problems lately. He couldn't admit how he felt, because he wasn't confident enough in the result. He was scared she'd end their friendship if it went bad, and so that stopped him from admitting it at all. How could people like Kaminari and Mineta say those kinds of things with a straight face? It was like they had no regard for how people saw them, and as much as Izuku wanted to think otherwise, he couldn't really ignore how he did. He'd cried tears of joy at being accepted by his peers, for crying out loud! Of course he cared. Maybe his past made him care too much? Izuku didn't know, and he couldn't figure it out before he finally reached the parking lot and Aizawa's bus.
"You're the first one to arrive," Aizawa said. He was leaning against the bus, looking as tired as he had when Izuku last saw him in the classroom. Maybe that was just how he was, but it made Izuku wince when thinking about how the man's sleep schedule must look.
"I was one of the first to finish changing," Izuku admitted.
"One of the first? Why haven't the others arrived?" Aizawa said, his tone darkening at the thought of, it seemed, dilly-dallying. What a strange man he was.
"Uh, I don't know. I only saw one other person done, and it looked like they were waiting for everyone else," Izuku answered. He could understand why Kaminari didn't want to be the first one to arrive, now. Aizawa's annoyance felt more like focused anger, and it didn't help ease his worries that he was so much taller than Izuku.
"Illogical. Waiting for everyone else just makes you slower, and doesn't help anyone," Aizawa muttered under his breath.
Izuku sighed. He wondered how long it would take the others to finish getting ready so he didn't have to be alone with Aizawa. The man had a pessimism about him that made Izuku uncomfortable. It wasn't that pessimism was bad, Izuku had his fair share of negative thoughts, but he considered himself more of a realist, as he was basing his expectations based off of his experiences in the past. Aizawa seemed to take his expectations and run with the most negative reading, like with his Quirk apprehension test. Aizawa seemed to want people to give up. He seemed surprised when Izuku stood his ground. He held such a negative viewpoint through which he viewed his students that he'd been shocked when one of them pushed back. Izuku thought that it was a little ridiculous, if he was being honest. He didn't think anybody could be a good teacher if they were expecting their students to fail. Izuku's teachers in middle school were often convinced he'd do nothing good in life, just based on common opinion, and so they hadn't called on him to answer questions or demonstrate any concept in class, like they often would with others, which got him a few stern admonishments about participating in class discussions.
The reality was that he couldn't speak up for fear of Bakugou and his goons being even harsher for a was a cycle, where teachers didn't believe in him, and so he didn't perform as well in their eyes, which got him lower scores on stuff like pop-quizzes—which was absolutely against the rules—and so made him look like he wasn't as capable as he was. Aizawa was the same, though not to the same abusive degree. He expected his students to fail, and so they did, because of the pressure. Izuku thought it was all very nonsensical that UA would even allow this, but it seemed like things had been this way for a long time. He hoped he'd already proven that mindset wrong, but Aizawa still seemed subtly disappointed in his students, which rubbed Izuku the wrong way. It was something that was probably going to be an issue for as long as he was their teacher, but Izuku couldn't dwell on it too much, because a large influx of students in hero costumes came flooding out of the building across the parking lot and began towards the bus; it looked like his classmates had finally finished changing.
As the class gathered around, Izuku didn't look at Uraraka. He was still all stirred up about his new feelings about her. He was pretty sure he'd gotten his old ones sorted out, but there was this new problem to deal with. Before, his problem had been that he was too smitten with her, too happy when she smiled. Now he was angry, and that was worse. It wasn't even a sort of justified anger, and it didn't feel vindicating or assuring to feel that anger, it just felt like he wanted to punch someone, and that wasn't a feeling he relished in, unlike certain others. He'd spent so long being tormented by Bakugou, but it felt like he was still hanging over him, even though the immediate threat had been dealt with. The boy was gone, but it was as if his spirit was still lingering over Izuku, haunting him every time he let himself think something that brought him back around to the blond bastard. Was Izuku more like Bakugou than he thought? He'd defined himself as the opposite of Bakugou, as someone who wanted to help and heal, as opposed to Bakugou's intent to harm and destroy, but was that really how it was?
Izuku had destroyed. He'd keep destroying if it meant being a hero, because that's what his Quirk was, and he had to use it in certain situations. He also caught himself getting angry and wondered if he was somehow compensating for Bakugou's absence. It had been so long since things were quiet and calm in Izuku's life, so was he feeling these things as a kind of withdrawal symptom? Izuku didn't want to liken his familiarity with strife to an addiction, but that was the closest thing he could come up with off the top of his head. If he had time, he could've thought of something better, but he didn't have time. Aizawa was telling people to get on the bus, and he'd get left behind if Aizawa thought he didn't want to participate.
Izuku filed away this realisation to think about later, not entirely sure if he even wanted to. Today was turning out to be a lot more work than he'd been anticipating. Izuku boarded the bus with the hope that it wouldn't get any worse.
