It was Monday, nearing noon. Izuku was supposed to talk to Hound Dog in a few minutes, but was running a little late. He'd decided to come alone this time, as he didn't know how he'd react to what Hound Dog had to say, and he didn't want his mother to hear an outburst if he had one. That was still something that he didn't truly understand, both about the last session and about himself. He'd thought he was good at controlling himself after all the time he'd spent on it for the use of his Quirk, but Izuku may not have been as good as he believed himself to be. Maybe that was what this meeting was about, or maybe it was something different, but it was something that he'd have to work on in the future, especially with the sports festival coming up. That was Izuku's ticket to recognition, and if he was going to win it all, then he'd have to be in complete control of himself the whole time, not like what happened at the USJ where he lost control and went a little crazy trying to do everything. That wasn't his best moment, but he was past it now, hopefully, and after this meeting with Hound Dog, he'd hopefully be back in class with the others.
Speaking of the others, and the reason he was late, Izuku saw another text come in from Uraraka. He smiled ear to ear as he read it, the text asking him if he was at UA yet. They'd been texting all morning, between classes on Uraraka's end. Izuku was still new to his new dynamic with her, but he couldn't help but feel all giddy when Uraraka texted him, because they were a thing now. He didn't know exactly what thing they were, but it was a thing at least. They'd spent a few more hours talking yesterday, just about random things, but they hadn't exactly gotten to what they were to each other now that they'd made their feelings known, so they'd just decided to not make it anything and take it at their own pace. Still, there was a lot that hadn't been said about even that arrangement, like what they felt comfortable with calling each other now that they weren't just friends. Was it still the formal surname treatment, or were they going to refer to each other with their given names? Just the thought of that made Izuku's face burn up, so sticking to Uraraka for now was probably a safe bet until they talked about it in person. Nonetheless, Izuku felt like a kid on Christmas as he walked the halls and spoke with Uraraka between her classes.
Regretfully, Izuku arrived at Hound Dog's office. He sent one last text to Uraraka, saying that he'll have to go quiet for a little bit due to his meeting, and put his phone away. He took a moment to wipe the goofy grin off his face, and knocked on the door to the office. A few seconds later, the white door opened to reveal the fuzzy face of Hound Dog, with his muzzle on an all. He nodded to Izuku, and stepped aside to let him into the room. Izuku stepped inside and walked over to the seat he'd used yesterday.
"Thank you for coming, Midoriya," Hound Dog said as he sat down opposite Izuku.
"Yeah, of course," Izuku replied. He wondered how they'd talk about whatever it was that Hound Dog thought was important, and how long they'd be there for. Not that he had anywhere else to be.
"I've asked you here again because of what we talked about towards the end of our last meeting. You already know that I have not cleared you to return to your classes, and that is both due to the things you've said to me and the behaviours that others have seen in you, and have since come forward with," Hound Dog continued.
"What behaviours do you mean?" Izuku asked as a flash of anxiety turned his whole body rigid as stone.
"Well, I'll go in order. Aizawa came to me after the USJ Incident and told me about things that he'd noticed throughout his interactions with you that he now thinks are indicative of a larger issue. During your first meeting, he says that you were quick to anger, on the defensive even though, by all means, you weren't in any danger, even if Aizawa had any intention of following through with his rather crass threat," Hound Dog answered.
"Well … yeah, he said he was gonna expel one of us. Even if I was a little hotheaded, I was defending my classmates! That's not bad, right?" Izuku laughed.
"No, but this isn't an isolated incident, as demonstrated by your outburst yesterday. Later, the next day, Aizawa said that you also showed signs of dissociation, and you had a full-blown panic attack during your training battle. All Might also told me that he's worried about your mental state, as he noted that you were distant and seemingly distraught during that period as well. Yesterday, you said that you don't experience anxiety day to day. You lied, or you forgot, both of which paint a bad picture. If you lie, I can't do my job right and help you as much as I can. If you forgot, then that tells me that having meltdowns like that isn't exactly uncommon to you, and that means that something is wrong that you're used to managing but currently can't, at least not as well as you once did. So please, Midoriya, tell me the truth. Are you okay?" Hound Dog explained.
Izuku felt an ice cold, stabbing pain in his chest. His fingers were numb. This wasn't happening. He wasn't being put in this situation just after things looked like they were going well for once. He looked around the room, anywhere to avoid meeting Hound Dog's critical eyes. Izuku tried his best to keep his fingers off the arms of the chair as he dug his palms into it to satiate the almost primal need to do something with his hands. He didn't want to say what he really thought, but he also didn't want to stay silent, but he couldn't decide which one was better for him, and it froze Izuku in place.
"Do you want me to tell you what I think?" Hound Dog asked. Izuku gave him a tiny, shaky nod. "There's a theory in the field of psychology called the Quirk-Ego Feedback Loop. Sometimes, when powerful Quirks manifest in people with … unstable mental states, a link can be established. The powerful Quirk creates circumstances where the wielder''s mental state is changed, and that unstable mental state feeds into the function of the Quirk that caused it in the first place, and over again. It creates a negative feedback loop where these changes in both mind and body reinforce and exacerbate each other, and end up throwing the person they make up into chaos. It's a newer theory, but a valid one, as I believe that this is what has happened to you."
"Yeah? How?" Izuku asked, breathless.
"Well, I've been informed of certain events that have occurred in your life. I trust you get what I mean," Hound Dog said, giving Izuku a heavy look. "The primary Quirk manifestation events were disastrous. I have your records, and know that you attended therapy throughout your childhood due to these incidents. I think we both know that you were hurt by the things that happened, and that pain has stayed with you all this time. It has to have been hard for you to bear that pain and guilt. As well, the anger you hold towards one Katsuki Bakugo is not to be ignored."
"What does Bakugo have to do with this?" Izuku asked, almost flinching at the unexpected mention.
"I've spoken with him to get a better idea of his mindset surrounding his actions during your first day of school. He has some very extreme feelings when it comes to you. I know he was the one to find you after your Quirk manifested, and I get the feeling that he blames you for what happened, but I don't. He confessed to doing some pretty nasty things, things that I do blame him for. You and him have quite the history, and I believe that it contributed to this Quirk-Ego Feedback Loop," Hound Dog explained.
"How do you mean?" Izuku asked again, still not seeing where it all connected.
"See, early psychologists believed that the id is the part of your mind that operates on desire, want and passion. It deals with instinct. The super-ego, on the other hand, is where morality comes from. It gives us our conscience, our social values, our tolerances and prejudices. The ego is the glue, the thing that mediates between the two and allows us to set realistic goals and see reason. The core of the theory I think applies to you is that the ego in your case has been imbalanced through your experiences with your Quirk and the things that stemmed from it, such as Bakugo's actions. Your ego, which normally would regulate and manage your impulsive, self-destructive, base instincts and the extreme hyper-morality that drives you, is not doing that to the best of its ability. Sure, it has its moments, such as when you're doing your schoolwork and not screaming down your teacher, but when things get bad and logic isn't the deciding factor in a scenario, you lose it and succumb to your primal fears and desires. From what I've seen and heard, your greatest, base fear is that your Quirk makes you a monster, and your most foundational instinct when you feel you've lost control is to be of service to others, even if you put yourself at risk in the process. I believe that every single one of the behaviours and patterns that others have noticed in you, the instant distrust of authority, the simultaneous lack of regard and deep-rooted fear you feel toward Bakugo, and your shockingly low self-worth and self-preservation skills, all come together to paint a pretty clear picture to me, and it all stems from that day your Quirk manifested. You're scarred, Midoriya, still wounded, in fact, and I can't help but think that you're not letting yourself heal from it," Hound Dog said.
"What do you mean? How would I do that?" Izuku asked. He felt his breathing pick up as he could think of a few different reasons why, but couldn't bring himself to admit anything.
"I think you use your pain as motivation. You feel you were hurt by the world, and so you want to make a world that won't hurt anyone else. You don't have to do that, though, because you can rely on people to help you. Keeping that pain fresh in your mind by not addressing it and working through it is just making you suffer more, when you really should focus on getting to a good place yourself before you go digging anyone else out of their coffins. You can't fix anything if you, too, are broken," Hound Dog continued.
"You think I'm broken," Izuku said.
"I think you think you're broken. I think you believe that suffering in silence is noble. I think you believe putting yourself at risk for a good cause is good, and that you shouldn't complain when it hurts because you're helping people. I think that's what led to your actions at the USJ. Am I wrong? Hound Dog asked.
"I mean, that's what heroes do, right?" Izuku asked.
"And you're a hero?" Hound Dog shot back at him.
Izuku was quiet. That was the exact same argument he'd used to attack Aizawa and All Might's reasoning. He wasn't a hero, not yet anyway, as he'd barely gotten through his first week of high school. He was fifteen, for God's sake! He wasn't a hero, not a pro hero at least. He was just in training, he wasn't anywhere close to being a real hero. He'd been heroic, which had to have gone to his head and blinded him to the truth of what he was doing. Izuku had been saying these things, advocating for himself by emphasising his inexperience and youth, but he hadn't actually cared about those things. They were just a means to an end for him until now. Now, he really thought about the logic he'd been using, and saw that he hadn't been applying it to himself in the times it really mattered. He'd been using that logic to get himself a more favourable outcome, but had ignored it when it stopped him from doing what he wanted, like at the USJ and with Aizawa. He'd tried to get Aizawa to call off his threat of expulsion, which according to Hound Dog wasn't legitimate anyway, but he'd ignored Aizawa trying to get him to stay out of things at the USJ, even though they'd used the same argument. It was hypocrisy, and it made Izuku's skin crawl as he realised that he was using such tricks to get his way. They'd been subconscious, of course, unintentional manipulations, but he'd still done it all, and it sickened him. What did Aizawa think of him? Had he even figured all that out yet? Izuku couldn't know until he spoke to him next, whenever that might be. For now, he had a real conversation to have, and he thought being honest might be worth a try this time.
"No, I'm not. All Might may have called me his hero, but anybody can be a hero to someone. Doesn't mean I'm grown up, or that I can just ignore the things that matter the most right now," Izuku said, taking his hands away from the arms of his chair and taking a good look at them, especially his scarred hand.
Hound Dog was quiet for a moment, writing things down in his little notebook. After that time, he looked back up at Izuku with what he thought was a smile.
"I couldn't agree more. I'm glad you feel that way. You're at a critical time, Midoriya, where you're stepping into a brand new chapter of your life. This new chapter is rocky for a lot of people, but you can make the best of it by getting some help from people who care about you, and want to help in any way they can, like me. So, how can I help you? Tell me and I'll do it," Hound Dog said.
For a second, a split-second moment where there were two distinct choices that Izuku could make, he considered lying. It was simply his first instinct to say that he was fine and brush everything off by now. But, he needed to do this so that he could even have a shot at becoming the hero he wanted to be. He'd said it to Uraraka yesterday, that it was okay to talk to people about what she felt, and he'd even made sure she knew that the same applied to everyone, even himself. He needed to put that into practice, or he'd be lying to her, and he wasn't going to do that anymore. Izuku Midoriya wasn't a liar.
"I think I just need someone to listen, to talk to about some stuff," Izuku sighed.
"I'm all ears," Hound Dog said.
A grip choked his breath out of his lungs as Izuku considered what to start with. What was he most worried about? He knew what he was most worried about, that wasn't even a question. It had been following him in a dark cloud over his head since the USJ Incident. The Nomu, the man with the beak, the one he'd turned to ash and laughed at while it happened. It haunted Izuku, met him in his dreams and tried its best to choke him in the quiet moments where no one saw, where he let it break him. Nobody had said anything about it, but he knew that had to know. Aizawa, All Might, Inko, Uraraka, they all had to know what he'd done. They all had to know and were just not saying anything. Why? How was re-entering classes even a debate? Why wasn't he in the same position as Bakugo after ending a man's life? Wasn't it the same? Weren't they the same?
"I have blood on my hands. Not just what you're thinking, either. I know that my record shows what happened all the way back then, but I've … done that more recently as well. I killed the one they called Nomu at the USJ. He was a person with eyes that I looked right into as I disintegrated him with my Quirk. He was gonna attack Uraraka, and I couldn't stop him otherwise, and so I killed him," Izuku forced out. It might've been the way his chest ached as he spoke, or just how much he'd been wanting to say this but couldn't, but Izuku cried as he admitted to his crime. The tears fell and he didn't care to stop them, as he was keeping his fingers clenched in a ball as he tried not to lose his composure.
"I recall that there was one casualty from the USJ Incident. I don't know if you've been told about the ruling concerning the death of this 'Nomu' fellow, but you're not in any way legally responsible for his death. The principal met with a detective the other day, and it was found that it was a defensive measure that was warranted given the situation, and so you're not being held liable for that," Hound Dog explained.
Izuku felt a wave of relief wash over him at that. He'd been terrified of what he'd done, but they'd found him totally innocent. It felt … strange for the people around him to give him the benefit of the doubt, and even stick with him through something like this. His only real supporter when he'd first taken blood had been Bakugo, and Izuku didn't even want to think about how that had turned out. It was bliss to know that UA stood up for him and helped prove his innocence. Their support of him made him feel like maybe he could believe in his innocence as well, but something about it still nagged at him.
"I still did kill a person, though, even after training so hard to avoid it. I just can't shake that, I guess," Izuku said.
"That's completely valid. It's hard to end a life, even if it's for the greater good. They teach heroes not to use deadly force if they have any other option, so it's difficult to find yourself in that situation, where the last resort is actually necessary. How do you feel about it?" Hound Dog said.
"It's weird. I know that I was defending Uraraka, and myself, but my decision ending someone's life just makes me feel dirty, like I've got this stain on my skin that'll never come out. Maybe it was necessary, maybe it was needed and maybe it was inevitable from the moment those villains came through that portal, but I still don't like how things happened. If only I'd known more about Nomu, maybe I could've figured something else out, but … yeah. I don't know. It just makes my chest hurt when I think about it, like there's something stuck in my throat that won't let me breathe," Izuku explained as best he could, but he didn't know how much sense it made to Hound Dog.
"You're right to feel conflicted. You wouldn't be very heroic if you weren't. The way I see it, heroes look out for all people, not just the good ones. Showing empathy to your enemies isn't a bad thing, because they're people. Grieving over a fallen enemy is just as, if not more heroic than some of the things Endeavor has done and said," Hound Dog said with a snarl at Endeavor's name.
"Yeah, he's got a history of being … rough with villains. But … that's not the only thing tripping me up about this whole thing. I think that, deep down, it felt like I was giving in to all the things that Bakugo said I am, and admitting to him that he was right. He says—" Izuku said.
"I know what he says, and I don't want them to be repeated. All you have to know is that he's one of those people that isn't actually against you specifically, but more the idea of you, " Hound Dog interrupted, getting a confused look from Izuku at his point. "Look, some people don't actually hate the things they speak out against, just like some people don't actually like the things they advocate for. These people, especially the ones that hate for hate's sake, just want something to project their negative feelings onto. They're angry, but they don't know what makes them angry, and so they go looking for things to blame for their anger. From my talks with him, Bakugo is that sort. He's just pushing all of his negativity onto what happened when you were kids, and blaming you as the perpetrator, when really you were just another victim. He saw you and decided that you were going to suffer for what you'd already suffered through. I don't think he's evil, but he is irrationally convinced that you are, and that means that he'll do anything to make it so, even lie and provoke you into doing things that he can twist into misdeeds. I've gotten reports that you panicked and broke down when you saw the destruction your Quirk caused on the first day, and how Bakugo talked you into spiralling when you were calm and composed a moment beforehand. That'd be an example of what I'm talking about. Does that make sense?"
It did, surprisingly. The more he listened to Hound Dog talk, the more different he realised the man was from the persona he put on when out fighting crime. He was mostly just a counsellor nowadays, but in his heyday as a pro hero, Hound Dog was one of the biggest street-level heroes around, as he'd always stop to talk to people who stopped him on the street, even if that got him into trouble with a mugger one time. He was affable, and friendly, and Izuku wondered if that was the reason he decided to go into his current line of work, because he was good at talking to people as just one of them, instead of one of the mythic heroes that most people didn't have the courage or arrogance to engage in conversation.
"Yeah. I get that," Izuku sighed as he felt his whole body relax.
"Is there anything else bothering you that you want to talk about?" Hound Dog asked while writing something down.
"Yeah, one thing. My Quirk has … changed. It happened during the USJ when I … beat Nomu. It's like my Quirk has evolved or something, so that the parameters for activation are different now. I've been driving myself crazy for the past few days trying not to Decimate anything around the house, or while I'm out. Who do I talk to about it? Aizawa, All Might, someone else?" Izuku asked.
"I'd say that's Aizawa's wheelhouse, if anybody can help. He's got a Quirk counselling licence, so if not, he'll be able to tell you who to ask instead," Hound Dog said.
"Thanks," Izuku almost whispered, already trying to come up with ideas of how to train this new and improved Decimation.
"Is that all you wanted to talk about?" Hound Dog asked, writing in his notes some more.
"I think so—" Izuku started wiping the tear tracks off his face. "—but what do I need to do to be allowed back in class?"
"I think you'll be just fine. I say whether you're ready, and you're well on the way. I just need to do some paperwork and you can go to class tomorrow, but I do want to start regular sessions with you to check in and see how you're doing. I think you're someone who could really benefit from a guiding hand when dealing with your mental health, something you haven't had recently. If you agree to that, I'll give you the green light. Do we have a deal?" Hound Dog explained.
Izuku felt a smile come to him as he considered the offer. It was good to make him promise something, because he hated breaking promises. Hound Dog had such an insight into people that it astounded Izuku, it was the same connection to others that Uraraka had. It eluded Izuku, but he thought he may learn from being around the two of them. Hopefully, at least.
"We do. Thanks for the talk, and the advice. I think you really opened my eyes to some stuff," Izuku said, his breath shuddering as he finally stopped crying.
"Well, it is my job," Hound Dog said with a bark of a laugh.
Izuku smiled even wider at the terrible joke. As he sat on that soft chair, he wondered if things really were turning out alright for him. Bakugo was out of his life, he and Uraraka were starting something, and he felt like he could really talk to people about his thoughts, the bad ones that made the kids in elementary and middle school pick on him and bully him. Things were okay, for once, and he was about to get back into classes so that he could train, and hang out with everyone again. He had friends, and not just Uraraka, either. Kirishima, Ashido, Iida and Asui were what he would call friends as well, though he wasn't as close with them yet. Izuku got the feeling that he would be, though, if he just gave it a little time and a little trust. The last weeks had been stressful, horrible, even painful for Izuku, but the sports festival was coming up, and he would have his shot at his goal of becoming the best hero ever, not with his cursed Quirk, but with his friends. Now he really believed that, or he wanted to believe that. Izuku felt like he could widen his focus from just his unfortunate power, and look at all the good things he had in his life now.
He supposed that the old saying was right. Allowing himself to feel the emotions he'd been trying to bottle up really did help him come to terms with what had happened. Who'd have guessed?
