There is an author's note I am putting in the newest chapter of each and every one of my stories. If you read multiple ones of my stories- you're gonna see this multiple times so…. If you think this is nothing but self- pitying and seeking for attention then feel very free to think so. But… here we go for this story-
When I am, now or eighty years into the future or anything in between or after, I'm not going to say that the end of the summer of 2013 and about six months forward was an easy or an all- good- time. Because it simply wasn't. Things were getting harsh and as soon as I had gotten just a little bit of control something new happened and knocked me right to the bottom again.
But the thing is, even when things were at their hardest. Even when I felt I wasn't good for anything or anyone. Then- I knew that even if I wasn't that good- here on fanfiction, I would always be what I wanted to be- enough. And fanfiction and each and every one of my readers has really meant a lot to me in the last months.
So to you- yeah, just you who are reading this. Thank you- there is no way I could have done it and gotten through things without you
-Linnéa
Oh and I'm so, so sorry for not updating. I really hope all my inspiration return soon.
Sean POV
So now I Stood here- again, I had stood outside the school psychologist's office at my last school a hundred times and now I stood outside Mr. Hugh's office for about the tenth time. I had yesterday spoke to mama about me going to the school psychologist and of course I knew what she said that whatever was found- if there was anything- she'd always love me. That's what was important but I couldn't be helped to have chickened out all the earlier times.
I sighed and turned around, I walked away yet I knocked myself out inside for chickening out this time too. I walked out to my car, an old pick- up that it was a miracle it could still run, yet- it had belonged to my dad- and it was mine- I couldn't have asked for a better one.
I turned the key and started driving towards my street but after about half the way suddenly it started driving slower, and slower, and slower even though I hit the gas harder and harder. All until there was a loud bang from the motor and the car stopped.
"Ow c'mon." I hit the steering wheel, and then laid my head down on it and sighed deeply. I knew it had only been a matter of time before my car would give up. I sighed again and looked up when I heard a knock on the window, I looked up to see Lex, Tyler and Connor standing there, Lex had been knocking.
"Hey." Lex smiled. "How's it going?" I sighed and explained that the car just broke down, Lex seemed to think for a moment and then spoke up again.
"My dad works with cars, I could tell him to come here and fix your car." I thought for a moment, I probably couldn't afford that but what choice did I have? I sighed and then nodded, Lex pulled up her phone and called Mr. Hudmel, who came just ten minutes later driving before he stepped out of his own car and bent over the motor of mine- as I had already opened it.
"Ah… I can see the problem… however I think I need to take it to the station to be sure." He walked back to his car and got a rope from the back that he attached from the back of his own car to the front of mine and then started his car. I wished the others to have a good weekend then got into my own car to steer and then called my mama to tell her I'd be late home while Mr. Hudmel checked over my car one more time at Hudmel's tires and lube.
"It seems to be what I thought. It will only take me a couple of hours to fix it, so you can have it back tonight." I thanked him and then walked home. It was a bit too long to walk but what choice did I have? When I came back I sat down with Gordon in the living room- he was watching Scooby Doo for about the hundredth time.
Dinner was soon ready and I knew what mama was going to do today. When we had sat down mama stood up again and looked to us all, then took a deep breath.
"Curtis, Gordon… Seanie. I… I've got some big news to share with you." I took her hand, she was nervous I could tell. "I'm… pregnant." Curtis eyes went black, he smiled slightly but it was faked and then he stood up and walked outside to the porch steps. Gordon looked confused and when I walked after Curtis I could hear mama explaining to him that it meant he was going to have a little brother or sister.
"What are you doing?" I walked out to the porch steps where Curtis sat smoking and sat down by him. "Why did you walk away like that?" Curtis just continued smoking without a word, and what made me do it but something did break inside of me and suddenly I knew exactly what to say to the man in front of me. "You know you're a big, fat jerk don't you? You get together with a woman who loves you and who lost her husband in nine eleven to make you look good. Just not to be alone. You don't give a damn about me and then when you had Gordon you barely ever look to him either. The only time you do is when it makes you look good." I reached for my phone when it started calling and answered when Mr. Hudmel called to tell me I could come and get the car now.
"It's not just hard for you." Curtis said when I had walked a few steps away. "I'm not good enough for you I'm not good enough for your mum. I'm not ever going to be because I can't be as good as your dad."
"Don't you get it?" I fizzled. "Mama loves you, you are always good enough but you spend your time making yourself look good and self- pitying so much you can't see it." I silent and then walked towards the street and the gas station. I didn't regret what I had said, though I was pretty sure Curtis would make me pay for it. He'd shut up to my mama what we had said, then give me payback.
When I arrived at Hudmel's tires and lube it was almost dark outside and I walked up into the station. Mr. Hudmel met me.
"It's good as new…. Though I don't think it will keep being that for more than a couple of months and if this happens again it may not start again." He handed me the keys, I knew- how could I not know? What choice did I have?
"How much is it?" I reached for my wallet but Mr. Hudmel just clapped my shoulder.
"This one's on the house kiddo." He told me. I protested but he just waved it off, I wished him to have a good weekend and then headed towards the stables to visit Teddy. Mr. Hudmel had looked to me very distressed- as if he saw I was hurting.
I was hurting because I wanted to protect my mum. Wanted to keep her from marrying this jerk but I knew that if I did it would hurt her even more.
I pulled on a mask to show him everything was fine. I had to pretend everything was fine. Not a chance I'd show anybody that I was weak.
Leah POV
Tears were slowly rolling down my cheeks. My heart was breaking for this and I didn't have any idea of why I keep on doing this. It made me so sad, and it did it every single time.
"Seriously Leah" I heard Jonah's voice from the doorway. "How many times are you going to read that book when you cry like a baby every time you read it?" I looked up. I sat on my bed pulling one hand through Ariel's fur over and over again, in the other hand I held John Green's "the fault in our stars" reading it for about the hundredth time.
"This book is heartbreaking said. "But yet it's so good I can't keep on reading it again and again." I wiped the tear from my cheeks with my fingers while Jonah came and sat down on my bed.
"I've done a bucket list. It's got five points and the first is to read that book to know what it is you're bawling about every single time you read it and yet you read it again." I handed him the book and he opened to the first page, as I'd guessed he wasn't able to stop once he'd started so while reading he stood up and walked to his own bedroom still while reading all the time.
I wonder what the other points were, but mostly I wondered about what Jonah would say when he had finished reading.
"LEAH." Jonah came up to me a few hours later on Saturday night. "You said that this book was heartbreaking not that it rips your heart out of your chest then stomps at your heart and shatters it into millions of pieces." Jonah came walking into my room, threw the book at my bedside table before sitting down on my bed again with tear- stained cheeks. "This is the saddest book I've ever read."
"I know." I said and twisted my pencil around my fingers. "What were the rest of the points on your bucket list?" Jonah pulled up a paper from his pocket and took my pencil and crossed number one.
"Number two is gather a whole lot of toys and children's books, then go to the hospital and give this lot to the children- apartment. Number three is to speak with a family of a new- born child with a heart- disease and make them believe that the child can live for longer than they think and that it's not the end of the world. Number four" Jonah cleared his throat. "Is get kissed by a girl… number five is about you, but I'm not going to tell you what it is just yet."
"Oh, why not?" I tried nagging Jonah about telling me what the last point of his bucket list was. But he refused. And at last I gave up.
"You know…" Jonah began. "Hazel meets Gus at this group for people with cancer, so why wouldn't I find a girl if I went to something like that?" Jonah smirked. "Maybe I could find someone with…. Blonde hair…" I laughed when I understood where this was going- Jonah was still in love with Moa. "…and blue eyes… Swedish." I picked up my pillow and hit Jonah playfully with it. Jonah pretended to be hurt and looked to me with puppy- eyes.
"Muuuuum, Leah hit me." He shouted like a child. I hit him with the pillow again. "Muuuum, she did it again tell her to stop." Then he broke down laughing and when mum and dad came to stand in the door I and Jonah were holding on to each other to be able to keep sitting so bad we were laughing. Mum and dad just shook their heads and walked back to the kitchen.
"Hey Jonah." I said. "Maybe we should talk mum into reading it as well." Jonah smirked and together we took a deep breath in and then shouted at the same time.
"MUUUUUUM"
So that's it… how many here have read tfios and cried? Yeah me too, at least I was really close to crying.
