Oh and just so you know- I've never been to a prison- even less an American prison—because I've heard there's a quite big difference from the Swedish and the American prisons- so everything about Johnsdale comes from books, movies and what I think suits and if I get something wring I'm sorry.
This chapter does have some strong words… so to say… if you don't like it don't read it.
"101,3" I read out loud from the thermometer, and ran a hand over Carole's fever- warm forehead and stroke away the fringe from her eyes. "Sorry honey. You're not going anywhere today." I sat down next to her. It was Sunday morning- the day we were meant to be going to Johnsdale prison to meet Brian Ralston.
"I'b fide" Carole pushed herself up before I had the time to stop her. "I judd deed do…" She stood up, put her hand on her hand and swayed a bit. I quickly stood up and more or less forced her to sit down and lean against me so she wouldn't fall. I still held one arm wrapped around her and with the other hand I slowly stroke her hair over and over.
"Hey, it's okay." I exclaimed while I was making her sit down. "Deep breaths love, it's okay." Carole leaned her head against my shoulder. I bit my lip not so sure about what to do- Carole was the nurse, she'd always know what to do in times like these- but I only sat there quite helpless.
"I'b ogay." Carole began. "I deed do go widd you do Jodale" I smiled but shook my head slightly.
"I'll go with Lex to Johnsdale. We'll be fine." I stroke my palm over her forehead again. Carole didn't protest anymore, she seemed to realize there was no way she was leaving this house today. "And besides- we can't leave Rafaél here alone can we?" Carole shook her head slightly, then push herself to sit up and crossed her legs before she leaned against me. I kissed the top of her head and started playing with her hair.
"I'll have to tell Lex." I tucked the covers around Carole and kissed her forehead before I raised and walked out of our room and down the hall. "Lex." I knocked the door. "You awake kiddo?" I turned the door handle and the door easily swung open, I thought that Lex was asleep at first because the room was still dark and she laid with her back towards the door quietly. But when I sat down on her bed I saw that she was awake. "Lex…. Carole is ill. This cold is breaking out and that all at once- she can't come with us to Johnsdale today so it's just you and me okay?"
Lex POV
I had been lying in my bed, staring into the wall for at least two hours when I heard the knock on the door. "Lex…" Dad came in and sat down on my bed. "Carole is ill. This cold is breaking out and that all at once- she can't come with us to Johnsdale today so it's just you and me okay?"
Okay? No of course it wasn't okay! I needed her! She had to come with us today! For a bit more than one year now mum had been the most important person in my life- the only one that would be able to chase away all the demons and calm me down- she had to come with us- she had to!
I threw the covers off and climbed out of bed before I bare feet ran out of the room and down the hall where I opened the door to mum's and dad's room and tip- toed inside. In the few seconds that it had taken me to come here since dad told me she wouldn't be able to come one idea to make her come with us after the other had gone through my head but when I saw mum laying there, with the covers pulled half over her head and with the trashcan standing by overflowing with dirty tissues and the parts of mum's head and face I could see was pale and her hair tousled- then I couldn't be terrible enough to say anything.
When I came into the room mum opened her eyes and pulled down the covers to her chin. "Hey Sweedie" she said tiredly. "Are you ogay? Did dad dell you I cadd cobb widd you doday?" Mum made a pause to sneeze. "I'b sorry hodey." I had been standing right inside the door since I came in, but now walked closer and sat down on the edge of her bed but looking down instead of looking at her. "Hey." She sat up and laid her hand on my cheek. "I dow you wadd be do cobe. I'll be righd here whed you gobe bagg ogay?" She sneezed again. I reached for a tissue on the bedside table and handed it to her. "Thagg you hodey."
"It's okay." I answered to the fact that she wasn't coming. "We'll do anyway." When I felt a lump rise in my throat when I was starting to cry I gave mum a quick hug, hurried past dad and ran down the stairs and then sunk down on a chair trying to take deep breaths to keep from crying. There was maybe one or two minutes and then I heard dad's steps coming down the stairs and through the living room and into the kitchen.
I stroke away a tear from my eyes before he had come over to me and stood up to make a sandwich for breakfast. "You okay?" Dad laid his palm against my back, I nodded without looking at him, put the lid on the butter and took a bite- that seemed to only be growing in my mouth so after three bites I held it towards dad and let him finish it. "You need to eat Lex." He passed it back to me, I shook my head and pushed it back to him.
"I don't want to." Dad hesitated, then I gave him a meaning look and he nodded and took a bite. But it seemed like he was just as nervous at me- because he ended up pouring his coffee out in the kitchen sink and throwing the rest of the sandwich in the dustbin just as Rafaél came walking through the kitchen door.
Yesterday- the day after we had found Rafaél sitting on the bench in the middle of the pouring rain- Rafaél had been standing by a photo hanging on the wall in the living room of mum, dad, me, Kurt, Finn, Tyler Rebeccah and Blaine. And after just sitting there for a while Rafaél had pointed to Kurt and asked if he was gay- with the clothes Kurt was wearing at the photo it hadn't been too hard for him to find out- especially not with Kurt's arm around Blaine's shoulders.
Dad had answered him that Kurt was his son and yes he was gay. Then Rafaél bit his lip, looked to dad and- out of the blue almost he said- without any feeling in his voice. "I came out to my family- and my dad kicked me out." It wasn't more than that he had told us. Dad though had been shaking with anger, mum moved over to the other sofa to be able to embrace the Hispanic boy, and I- I walked up to my room, sat down in the window frame and wrote in my diary.
Dear Clara
My dad was never good, he never treated me well. But Mr. Gerardo- he treated Rafaél well, and loved him like a parent should love the child all the while until Rafaél came out not to have the sexuality Mr. Gerardo would have wanted him to have and then let go of everything you've ever loved for that little bagatelle to just kick him out- what kind of a bastard does that?
Rafaél nodded to me and dad, then walked out of the room again. I looked to the clock. "It's still a bit early." I said. "I'll go dress I guess and then I guess we're going." I walked up the stairs slowly and opened my wardrobe, picked out my nicest pair of jeans, a plain white T- shirt and a hoodie. Then slowly walked down the stairs and into the bathroom.
A little while later I sat in the car next to dad on our way to Johnsdale prison. "You will not let him hurt me will you?" I don't know why I ask- I kind of know the answer already. But it just slip out. "If he tries something?" Dad checked the time and then pulled over onto the side of the road, then he grabs my chin to make me look up and look to him.
"Lex… You know the answer to that question just as well as I do. And you know perfectly well that if he as much as tries to put a finger on you I'm going to protect you with all that it takes okay?" I nodded and leaned my head to the side to rest it against his shoulder and then sat up on my own again when dad started driving again.
"You ready?" Dad asked when we stood outside the door of Johnsdale. I nodded because I was so afraid I had a lump in my throat that kept me from speaking. I walked closer to dad while he put his arm around my shoulders and we walked into the office. "Hello sir." Dad said to the receptionist. "We are Burt and Alexandria Hudmel, we're here to get to speak with Brian and Wyatt Ralston."
The man sitting by his computer stood up and came over with a metal detector, both I and dad had to leave phone, wallet and coats in boxes and cupboards in the hallway. Afterwards the man checked what he needed with his metal detector and then walked before us through a door and into a room with only a lamp, a kind of speaker with a microphone, a table and a chair. One of the walls were glass and showed another room just like this. There was no one in that room yet but a guard was standing by the door in the room we sat in and the first man left the room and closed the door after him.
"Dad…" I whispered. He had sat down and now showed me to sit down on his lap because there was only one chair. I did as he showed and he put his arms around me and leaned forward to look at me.
"It's okay." He stroke my arm, and barely seemed to be nervous at all anymore. "I'm not letting them touch you, and it's the jobs of them guards to keep them from touching any of us…" He seemed like he wanted to say something more but silent when we could both see Brian and Wyatt and a guard coming through the door on the other side of the glass wall. I gripped tightly around dad's fingers with my hand and didn't let go.
"It's okay." Dad exclaimed and stroke my arm. "He can't touch you." Despite my attempts not to show either of them I was afraid I felt my body starting to tremble and gripped harder around dad's hand. "Lex come on, you need to breathe." He continued stroking up and down my arm, I leaned my head back against his shoulder and tried to breathe as Brian and Wyatt sat down on the other side and the microphone and speakers were turned on.
"You can talk now." The guard on the other side told to me and dad through the speaker. "They can hear you." Dad stroke my arm as I leaned forward and pressed the button to make the microphone take up what I said.
"H-h- hey…" I stuttered. There was so much more I wanted to say but I couldn't come up with how to put words on any of my thoughts. "You guys okay?" What an awesomely idiotic question. I really couldn't have come up with anything else than that? I watched nervously as Brian leaned forward and pressed the button on his side, and then looked up with his grey eyes and started speaking.
"Would you really think that I'm okay?" I tried shaking my head but none of my muscles would do as I wanted. "Would you really think that we're okay you brat?" I didn't understand how I could flinch so with him calling me brat. Brat and words like that used to just be a part of my usual day until just a bit more than a year ago. "Would you really think that we're okay after you got us here?"
"I didn't get you here." I didn't know where the courage to say this come from. But it just came. "You got you here… and Brian… dad…. The ones living at our old house now. They found the DVD:s you had hidden. I got them and watched them. And I watched the clips where you… where you said that you actually loved us… all of us." Dad's hand hit the table on his side so hard the sound seemed to echo between the walls.
"Don't… you… ever…. Dare to mention… That I would… love…. You…. Or…. Your siblings… or your mother… ever… again." I had pretty much stopped breathing when he hit the table and every sound and every color seemed to go blurry as I saw Brian say something to the guard on his side and then the guard leaning forward to say something.
"Mr. Ralston and the other Mr. Ralston doesn't seem to want to carry on this conversation. Is there anything you'd like to add before we finish this meeting?" I looked to dad- my real dad- Burt! And then leaned forward, tears were burning behind my eyes but I pressed the button and tried to keep my voice steady as I said what I wanted to.
"You know what I think Brian. I think that what you said to that camera was the truth. That you really do love us. But you just can't admit it because if you would you'd have to feel bad for and regret what you did. And if you did then you'd have to deal with the consequences. So you just keep on telling yourself that you don't and that you never did so that you won't have to miss anything of what you had." I stopped talking for a moment. "But guess what Brian? There's nothing to miss. Because you never had either me, Zeb, Maddie or Katheryn. And you've never taken me because I was never yours to take. So I'm not going to take you either from now on. Because I can have a better life without you. So goodbye Brian Ralston. If we'd ever meet again- you'll be dead to me."
Burt POV
Being led out of the prison and towards the door I held a hand towards Lex's back. All the time ready to reach out my hands and catch her if she would collapse or something. But Lex kept steady on her feet all the while to the car where she sat silent by my side almost all the way home. "Well…" she exclaimed when we were just driving through our block. "That was done fast." I lifted my hand from the gear shift and took her small hand in mine bigger and squeezed.
"You okay kiddo?" I could hear myself that this was a stupid question to ask. When Lex wasn't okay she'd keep quiet like she did right now and I knew that. She didn't even answer, in fact she didn't say one word from saying that it was done fast to the rest of the way home, while I pulled over walking up the driveway.
It hurt me to see her like this. I swore to myself that if there had only been a way for me to take this all away from her. For me to take the things that she felt, the things she had seen and the things she had heard. Then I would have taken it all away to take it myself. And I wish I could have- oh I wish I could have taken it all and taken it all myself.
Lex didn't say a word more until we stood in the hallway, I stood and pulled my coat off to hang it up, she had stopped right inside the door and didn't move an inch until she spoke up. "Dad…" what she said was barely more than a whisper, I turned around just in time to react when Lex's knees buckled under her. "Dad I can't…"
"Hey." I grabbed onto her. "It's okay." Then she just collapsed in my arms. "It's okay, I've got you… I've got you now honey."
