Hello guys. Sorry for nut updating in forever. Life has been crazy and I've had and am having a maaaad case of writer's block. Life is seriously so good right now as well- but things that are good takes a lot of my time and I no longer can put writing as prio one. So, everybody gets it? Great!
"Leah…"
I didn't know how long it was afterwards. In some way it felt like a half forever had passed since I collapsed on that king sized hotel bed. But at the same time that half forever also felt like only a split second.
"Leah…"
First of all everything I could feel was complete numbness. I didn't know where I was- barely even who I was. I just knew the soft fabric beneath me, the heavy feeling of waking up and only wanted to go back to sleep. And therefore I tried to shake whatever was shaking my shoulder off.
"Leah… honey."
Then everything damned down on me
All at once
Jack, that pretty blonde, dad, the phone call. And damn it. I was all alone in a hotel room in a town I barely knew. God knows how many miles and hours away from everything and everyone I still loved.
"Leah… Come on honey."
Not until then I realized what was shaking my shoulder was a hand. Big and warm, with a feeling of that somebody had me- someone safe. And didn't I know that voice? It sounded like something I had heard before even though I couldn't place it in my sleep-ridden state.
"Leah, it's me."
"Daddy?"
"Yes. It's just me honey."
At last, I drowsily opened my eyes. And with a bit of fighting I slowly sat up before I more or less fell into dad's arms as the scene from Jack's and that pretty blonde played over and over on the inside of my now closed eyelids.
I opened my eyes again, but still I saw Jack with that pretty blonde as clear as I could see the soft, grey fabric of dad's pullover on which I mostly laid.
"Jack…"
"I know."
One good thing about my dad was that he would never expect me to say more than I could. Not try and get the words out of anyone who didn't feel up to it or maybe even couldn't. Another good thing was that he always seemed to know what he was supposed to say to make it all better if he could- he couldn't right now. But he did also know when he shouldn't say anything at all. And for God knows how long we just sat like that on that bed without none of us exclaiming a single word.
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for coming."
"Don't even mention it Leigh. I couldn't have left you alone in here if I tried."
"Thanks anyway…. Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"It hurts."
"I know." He leaned forward slightly, making the position for both of us even more uncomfortable than it had been earlier to kiss the top of my head lightly. Then I had to fight myself into a sitting position until I could sit there and look dad right into the eyes. It would have been the time for anything poetic. But for some reason the logic kicked in from God knows where.
"Mr. McCall took my things in his car." Calling Jack's dad by first name right now just didn't feel right. "I bet they're at Jack's now. Can you go and get them? I think I'd like to be alone for a little while."
"Of course." Dad smiled. "As long as you're sure? Okay… I'll go then… And I'll go see if I can find something for us to eat. What would you like? Pizza? Burgers? Chinese?"
"I'm not hungry." I mumbled into the quilt. "I'm really not."
"Leigh… I know it feels like…"
"I'm not hungry." Dad sighed. "I'm not."
"You need to eat."
"I'm gonna throw up if I try." I turned my head to make it easier to speak when I would no longer have my lips pressed into the covers. "I really don't want to…" I looked up at him, despite knowing I would have to give in only by the look on his face. "Pizza then… and ice cream… and chocolate… loads of chocolate."
"I had already planned on that." Dad smiled slightly but that was the last thing I saw before I turned my face into the sheets. Then I heard his footsteps as he came closer to the bed and then sat down next to me again. "Leah?"
"What do you want?"
"You know what they say? Everything's going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end…" I could feel the movement of the mattress when he moved and then patted my head. "God's got a plan… Call me if you need anything."
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
So why does it feel like this pain is going to kill me?
They also said chocolate and ice cream could cure anything- even period pains. But whatever it was that I was feeling. Ben 'N' Jerry's and Hershey's bars just didn't do the trick. And for every second I just seemed to be feeling worse and worse. And only looked forward to the evening to get to sleep. Although not even then things could go as planned.
It might have had something to do with that I had slept for too long during the day. But whether it was from that, all of the thoughts spinning in my head or God knows what else- that night I couldn't sleep. I started off trying to sleep. Closing my eyes over and over again but kept on opening them, throwing myself back and forth in the big bed and changing positions. Trying to let the sound of dad's deep and relaxed breaths from the sofa- but nothing helped. And at last I just laid there and stared up into the ceiling.
Many times I picked up my phone that night only to check what time it was. But first when it wouldn't be weird being awake anymore I turned on Facebook, not having done it before for dad not noticing I was awake- I didn't want to worry him more than what I already did.
"Achoo." When I unlocked the phone the light from the screen made me sneeze. "Achoo." Just as I had sneezed for the second time I could hear dad moving in the sofa and then his hoarse and still drowsy sounding voice.
"Bless you."
"Thanks." I said tiredly. "Sorry, did I wake you up?"
"No." I wasn't looking in dad's direction but I could hear him sitting up and then his footsteps. "I was awake." He sat down on the edge of the bed, I still wasn't looking at him but I could feel his hand when he played with my hair. "How are you feeling today?"
How was I feeling?
How was I feeling?
No but seriously!
Normally I loved hotel breakfasts- duh! Everybody knows that's the best part with sleeping at a hotel. This time dad more or less had to pull me out of the room and then placed things he knew that I liked on the plate for me- trying to do it discreet so that no one would notice and think weird about a dad putting food on his apathetic teenage daughter's breakfast plate.
"Can we just leave and go home soon?" I asked barely noticing I had a still full and untouched plate of food in front of me while dad had almost finished his breakfast. "Like now?"
"Soon." Dad promised. "Come on Leigh. At least have a sandwich. If you eat a bit we can go back to the room and get our things and then we can leave. But first of all you need to eat something." I sighed and picked up a dry piece of toast that I barely even chewed on a piece of the corner. "Do you want to try with some yoghurt then? That doesn't have to be chewed so it might get easier." I sighed. "Leigh- I'm not giving up on this. You need to eat."
"Fine then." Out of pure stubbornness and all the self- control I had I took the butter and had it on the toast. "I'm going to eat." I put a piece of ham on it and then forced my jaws to chew until the very last piece of that and a glass of orange juice was all gone. "Happy?"
"Yes."
"Can we leave then?"
"Yes."
"Let's go then." I stood up and grabbed my hoodie. Then pulled it over my head while walking in between the tables to get towards the doors. Dad was behind me in my way to just get home, but even though I couldn't see him I could very much hear his deep sigh- I hated doing this to him.
But what was I supposed to do when everything hurt?
Even when my thoughts were spinning so much in my head I could only concentrate on one thing at the same time. And after chewing, wanting to go home and get a shirt on. It was to get my backpack and pack the few things I had before I stood by the door and almost jumped until dad came too and we could get out into the car.
The whole way home in the passenger seat next to my dad I wished I could just be one of those people who could fall asleep like anywhere at any time if they tried. I had a friend like that, I had always been kind of envious of that. But never as much as I was right now. I just wanted to freaking sleep- sleeping didn't hurt!
As soon as I was over the threshold at home I couldn't even stand on my legs anymore. Exhausted as never before I sunk down onto the floor. Mum came into the hallway but before she had started fussing Ariel had passed her and came sniffing on my cheeks, and then she sat down and just stayed there.
Dad said something to mum that I couldn't clear out what it was. But honestly I didn't care neither. Just as long as they left the room and left me and Ariel alone, in the state where I could bury my hands and face in her thick, warm fur and cry again.
But this wasn't just crying. It wasn't the sort of emotional moment where you would feel exactly as bad coming out as going in. This wasn't the crying with loud sobs or words. Just silent tears running down from my eyes and dripping into Ariel's fur. Just sniveling as the only sound.
No anger, it had all run off. But everything still hurt, although when I- still exhausted after the sleepless night fell asleep there on the hallway floor. My very much beloved Ariel laid under my head like a warm and soft pillow, but still I could feel she had her head raised. And while I drifted away- she stayed to keep me safe.
Heck! I was so done with boys. I had Ariel.
And she might not know all the evil there was. But I could feel that if the evil would have been right there, she would keep it all away from me.
Random fact
I seem to have gotten a thing to add things based on reality. That thing where Leah thanks Abram for coming is based on what my mum and I said once when I was in hospital and she came back to spend the night with me after driving my brother home. And that thing where Leah sneeze from the light on the phone and the one sharing room with her seems to have been woken up- well. I was at a camp for teenagers as a young leader- and Abram's part was by one of the adult leaders.
