If everything works out and I have the chapter finished until then this chapter will be put up December the eleventh- Jonah's birthday.

This story is currently set in 2018. But this story is in March and Jonah's birthday is in six months or so… So what will they do in December? Well. I guess you'll have to read and see what happens during this chapter.

When I walked up to McKinley high school and through the hallways it felt as if my heart had stopped, it felt as if I was cut off from the world and walking in my own world. It felt as if I was alone in the whole wide world.

It felt like I couldn't know the way to the auditorium but my feet automatically lead me there.

I hope neither you nor Jonah minds. We went on with having glee club as usual yesterday. But everyone were worried and kind of quiet yesterday so we did it today as well. We're in the auditorium.
-Lex xx.

I checked the text message I had gotten only half an hour ago one more time and passed the choir room. Then walked passed the curtains to the auditorium and stayed by the side of the stage where no one sitting in the audience would be able to see.

Lex was doing her song.

I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And it was true, it was so true. Jonah wasn't next to me.

But I loved him just as much still…

Flashback

"Mum. Dad."

The paramedics that had taken Jonah from McKinley to the hospital had let me ride in the front seat with the driver. But no one had told me anything and in the ER they hadn't let me come with Jonah. They had just told me to sit in a random chair in the hallway and then ran away to call my parents.

"What's going on?" Mum asked panting looking from me to the door by us. "What's going on? Hey… You." The door suddenly flew open and I flew onto my feet by mum and dad. The doctor that came out was a woman- I didn't recognize her. But she had a very serious expression on her face and I didn't need to care about who she was. "Where's Dr. Dylan? Where… where's Jonah? Where's my son? Is he…" Mum couldn't even pronounce the word. "Is he…"

"My name is Dr. Ingleton." The woman said calmly. "Hello Richard." Dr. Dylan just came down from another direction. "Jonah is…" We barely noticed it, but I, mum, dad and Dr. Dylan were all holding our breaths. "Alive and his heartbeats is stabile now… But… I think you should go in and talk to him yourself."

"But…"

"It's better if you talk to your son right away."

Dr. Ingleton stepped away. And we all hurried into the room, mum first, then I, dad and Dr. Dylan. Jonah first seemed unconscious and so small in the white room. But when we came a few steps in his eyes fluttered open and he looked up.

"Oh Jonah." Mum rushed over and stroke his cheek. "What did you do?" Jonah coughed. "Meds… we need… no… we need." Mum was always calm in these situations but she wasn't now… maybe a part of her just knew.

Either way if she knew right then or not. She was soon to find out. We all were…

"No. Mum…" Jonah panted and swallowed. "I… I'm done now… today or tonight or tomorrow… is the end for me… on this earth… Do you get what I mean?"

"NO." Mum screamed. "No Jonah No. No please no… What is… no… This is just… this is a hard day… It doesn't have to be the end please."

Mum fell to her knees when Jonah coughed weakly and then leaned his head back tiredly. Dad went over, kneeled and put his arm around mum's shoulders. But I and Dr. Dylan stood tall side by side. I was frozen, in chock and Lord would know what else. But Jonah interrupted before anyone of us had the time to say anything.

"Dr. Dylan… I made it to March… You said I wouldn't… I did… It's March the first. And I'm alive still."

"You sure are a walking miracle Jonah Carmichael." Jonah made a weak attempt to smirk but Dr. Dylan's voice sounded shaky and weak. "We have known each other for a long time haven't we?" Jonah's hand rose to his chest again and he seemed in pain. "Edna…" Dr. Dylan seemed to sense whatever Jonah was thinking at the moment- we all were even if we didn't want to face it. "As you know I'm a children's doctor. And Jonah's eighteen and legally an adult." Mum cried even louder. "If you want to make the decision I think you're making right now. Then there are papers you get to sign that…"

"That makes sure that I want no life support care. I want no more medicines… I just want to…" Mum tried to protest but without words this time. "No mum. Don't protest. I can feel it… this is it. I think tonight…"

"No." Mum cried. "No. It doesn't… You don't have to do this Jonah. We could… the doctors could… you could… Jonah. You've been fighting your whole life. You can do it this time too. You can do it until this is over."

Jonah only looked back at her. She stood up and went back to stroking his forehead and through his hair. Warm, salt tears dropped down from her face to Jonah's shirt when there wasn't much left for her to say.

"Dr. Dylan…" Dad tried. "Isn't there something? There has to be… anything at all."

"I don't think there's much I can do." Dr. Dylan said and then swallowed as if he had trouble fighting the tears away himself. "Or anybody else really… I think. If we tried the few ways there's left now. You could live another day or maybe a week at the most… If you don't die on the surgery table. And if you do wake up more it's going to hurt. But still Jonah, it's your choice."

Jonah nodded, and held up his hand to stop her when mum was starting to say something more and looked away. Out of the window where he must see nothing else than the skies anyway. He laid like that for a couple of minutes and I barely had the bravery to breathe meanwhile. While mum sniveled into dad's shirt and dad looked as lost as ever.

"Jonah…" Mum said weakly at last. "You weren't supposed to live for even five minutes. You've made it for eighteen years… you can make it through this as well."

Jonah kept watching out the window and didn't move a muscle at first. Then he sighed, and without turning towards us he started speaking.

"I always knew how I wanted to die mum. And I wanted to do it calmly and pain- free. I wanted to lie in my own bed at home with you and dad and Leah… and of course Ariel there. And I just…" He coughed weakly and grimaced and mum looked around for someone to help her. "I'm okay. I'm okay. I just wanted to drift away. And I… I can feel it now mum…"

"No. No Jonah no."

"Yes…" Jonah looked past her and to Dr. Dylan. "Do you think you could sort that out somehow? I just want to go home. To my own bed. Without meds, without being hooked up to machines… Can you sort that out?"

Dr. Dylan was a children's doctor. And he wasn't supposed to care for Jonah by now. Still he was doing it, he had been Jonah's doctor since birth and he wasn't going to give in now. He was a doctor who had had hundreds if not thousands of different patients. But Jonah was special to him and he wasn't able to hide the shiver in his voice when he nodded and spoke.

"I'll go find them."

The room was frozen when the door fell closed behind Dr. Dylan. Mum was quiet at last, and none of us knew anything to say. The only sounds were breaths and the usual sounds from the hallway.

"Here they are." I would have expected Dr. Dylan would have brought another doctor with him but he was alone with a few papers in one hand and a writing pad. "Here." He signed the three paper sheets himself and then held it to Jonah. "Sign there…. And here… and here…" Jonah did as he was asked silently but I could see on the look on his face that he had made up his mind about this and he was under no circumstances giving up. "One thing you have to understand though Jonah. If you go home now… I know you've beaten the odds before but… there'll only be hours and maybe only minutes left until… until…"

"Until I'm dead. You don't have to hide it from me Dr. Dylan. I know what's going on."

"My shift ends just about now… I'll go find someone that can take you home." It was as if he was reading all ours' thoughts. "Maybe I can stay with you tonight. Even though you don't want me to help I can still…"

"Tell my family when I'm dead. So I won't have to go to the hospital to do that."

Dr. Dylan didn't answer. But we could all see the answer in his eyes. Even though he had turned around and left to give someone else the papers before we had had the time to figure anything to say.

"Mum?" Jonah showed mum to come closer, with tears streaming down her cheeks she went over and stroke Jonah's forehead. "I don't want to hurt you. But we all knew this was coming sooner or later. And I can feel that now is the time… But I just want you to say that it's okay…"

Mum only looked down on him. As a mother, how was she supposed to say that it was okay? Wasn't the worst thing ever for a human being for a mother to lose her child?

"Okay…" She only croaked at last. "…I… It will never be okay. But I know it's what you want to do and… Yeah… It's okay."

End of flashback

While I stayed in the curtains of the stage Lex moved over to the second verse and then the last part of the song I didn't move from where I stood. From the rest that sat in the audience they wouldn't be able to see me at all. And it was only if Lex turned to her side she'd be able to…. Well. About half of me. Even though I could see her perfectly.

"That was amazing." As soon as she had finished the rest of the New Directions clapped and Mr. Schue and Tyler were the first up on stage. Mr. Schue clapped his hands and Tyler went over to hug Lex tight. "Come on the lot of you. Come up here, and sit down." On Mr. Schue's wish they all started gathering up on stage and all sunk down to sit on the floor.

When Mr. Schue started stepping and turning around I took a step and hid behind the curtains all along.

I wasn't so sure why I didn't want them to see me. It was just that, if I told them what had happened then it would just be too real. Maybe if I didn't it wouldn't quite be.

"This week has been about all kinds of relationships you have with people." Mr. Schue said still walking around and around. "There are people who trust you, who you trust. People who let you down… People you hate… And people you love."

I looked over the whole group that sat on the floor around Mr. Schuester. All of the couples that sat together- Aiden with Carole, Johnny with Alice, Connor with Rafaél, Ben with Marcie and Tyler with Lex. The rest of the glee club spread out next to them every here and there.

But none of them saw me standing there looking at them. And I wasn't about to change that.

"We meet a thousand kinds of relationships every day. Most of them we go into and then leave again within minutes or seconds. But there's the one who stays as well. They become our friends, our enemies, our family…"

What Mr. Schue said sent shivers down my spine.

He must have been thinking about these words today, or at least during the last twenty four hours. Or since Jonah had been picked up in an ambulance during the lunch break. There was just no way this could suit so well without it being intended.

And yet, neither Mr. Schue nor the others knew what was going on yet.

I did, and it was the worst part of my life ever.

I still wasn't crying.

Flashback

"Yay. My own bed."

Jonah had done his best to seem happy during the way home. He had been carried outside and laid across the back seat in dad's car teasing with us that he didn't need an uncomfortable seat belt. Now he beamed over finally being home and falling back towards his pillow.

Since Jonah was big enough for a "big boy's bed" he had had a wide one. I had never quite understood why he needed it, the machine that kept track of his heartbeats stood next to the bed. But I had simply gotten the answer "he needs it" when I asked to have my own when I was old enough to have a "Big girl's bed".

That can't have been the reason, but the afternoon of March the first in 2018, Jonah laid down in the middle. Mum got on the side towards the door, at the other side I crawled up and laid, and on my other side towards the wall could dad lay. It was with a squeeze. But if that would be Jonah's wish we were all willing to do it.

"No Ari." When the white and somewhat grey- more or less beast- like fluffy creature crawled up at the foot of the bed and laid down over all our feet mum protested. "Get down from here."

"Don't mum." Jonah mumbled. "She warms my feet."

Jonah's heart had been weak for long- ever since he was born. With it the heartbeats didn't do what they should and his feet and fingers were always blue with cold because of the bad blood flow in them. So it didn't take more than him to silent mum about the dog in the bed too. And despite her age of eight months she had grown… Well. She weighed a whole lot more now than she had when we got her at ten weeks' age. I could never have lifted her up now as I did with her as a puppy to show Jack and Megan what I had gotten for my birthday.

Therefore she easily laid over all of her feet warming all of us with her light- colored, fluffy fur.

"You have to admit that feels quite nice mum."

Mum gave a smile, no way was she going to protest against Jonah at this moment. And of course she thought that the weight of Ariel on her feet was nice.

"Are you asleep?" Mum suddenly asked and pushed herself up on her elbow. "Jonah? Are you asleep? No. No, not yet."

"No mum." Jonah mumbled tiredly, he had in fact closed his eyes. "I just need to close my eyes for just a minute. And no… not yet. I still have some things left to say. I just have to… close my eyes. Can't keep them open."

Jonah let hear a deep sigh and faded off to sleep. Dr. Dylan had been standing by the wall and now silently came over and reached over my mum and laid his hand towards Jonah's chest, and then laid two fingers against Jonah's wrist meanwhile.

"It's still beating strong and regularly. I do think Jonah was right when he said he only needs to close his eyes for a few minutes. If you think about it- this must be exhausting for him… I'll go out into the hallway so you have some time of your own. But you can just shout and I'll come back in here."

Closing his eyes for just a few minutes turned into an hour, then into two hours, then day turned into evening that turned into night. I was starting to believe we had seen Jonah's brown eyes for the last time.

Mum called out for Dr. Dylan at least once every half hour and he came back. Sometimes he felt with his own hands, and sometimes with a stethoscope. The news were always the same- Jonah's heartbeats were steady, strong and regular. So were his breaths…

"Do you feel any better?"

Right after midnight between the first and the second of March Jonah's eyes fluttered open and he drowsily lifted his hand and rubbed them…

"Yes." He mumbled and stretched as much as he could in the squeezed position we all were and then saw the look in mum's eyes. "But I'm not changing my mind. I want to do this. And I can feel that it's the right thing to do."

Maybe someday I would be able to admire the way that Jonah didn't sound angry or anything. Still, he made sure that his voice gave the power it needed that we'd hear that he'd really made up his mind.

"Yeah… I really feel it."

"Jonah…" I tried about a moment that had been playing over and over in my mind since it happened. "About what I said when you did that song… it wasn't fair. And I'm sorry I said it. Re- writing that song like you did was great and I really liked the way you sang it to me."

There was a slight smile on Jonah's lips and I saw that he took what I was saying seriously. I should have understood it wouldn't stay like that for long though. Seriously…

"I know you did. But we all have days when we're just rude and hating the world and according to my counting you are probably pms'ing or on your period."

"This is the only time ever that I'm not going to hit you for that." I felt my cheeks burning red. "But FYI. I'm not and I can have a bad day without it being about hormones."

"What song?" Mum changed the subject quickly. "And what did you say Leigh?"

"I…"

"In glee club this week…" Jonah interrupted and sent me a meaning look. "…We were sort of singing songs to each other. And I sang a song that was first to my friends, then you dad. And then a verse that I had re- written so it was for Leah. She didn't really like it. But now… Have you got your phone Leah?" I nodded and pulled it out of my pocket. I hadn't thought about it and that I could put it away earlier. "I never sung the song to anybody else. But I do still want to. Can you just film it? And then I can sing it again and again for eternity."

"Jonah…" Mum tried and I couldn't help but agree to the breathless worry in her voice. "…Are you sure?"

"More sure than any time before. Let's hit it little sister… Goodbye to you my trusted friends

Jonah started singing while I held my phone up. But the song sounded different than what it had done earlier.

And the difference wasn't all because Jonah's voice was hoarse and weak. There was a difference behind that too.

I could place my finger on what it was. But I couldn't have explained it if I tried…

Jonah knew he only had hours less. He had decided that this was so…

And I knew that except for this video that I'd have for an eternity this was the last time I heard him singing. And he was singing this to me. How did I get so angry in the morning?

I'd probably feel bad for what I said for the rest of my life.

Right now I tried to shake it off as I held my phone still to keep recording. A few times Jonah had to stop singing, take a deep and shaky breath and then start over again where he left it. And every time my stomach clenched and thoughts hit me this could be the very last.

But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time

It would have been nice if the song lasted forever.

But it ended way too quickly despite Jonah's voice going weaker and weaker. By the time the last tone had rung out I turned the camera off. And then noticed that Jonah was pulling something up from his pocket.

"Is that your bucket list? Am I finally going to find out what number five is about? Oh… well. If I'm not mistaken you did the rest in the order you wrote them… come on now… I've been waiting for ages to know what number five is. The only thing you told me was that it's about me and if you don't tell me tonight I…"

Then you'll never get the chance

I swallowed the last few words that could have come out. Jonah just smirked and unfolded the paper with his bucket list.

"Number one was to read the fault in our stars and find out what you cried so much about. And I read it. And it ripped my heart into pieces- thanks for that. Although. I have to tell you Leigh. That autograph…"

"I know it had nothing to do with John Green Jonah. I know it was you who made it."

"Aw damn. You weren't supposed to figure that out. But it was so great seeing the look on your face while you still believed it was a real autograph… Back to my bucket list. And then. Number two was to gather a whole lot of toys and children's books and take them to the children's ward at the hospital. Which I got a chance to do thanks to Mr. Schuester… Number three was to talk to the parents of a newborn baby with a heart condition… Make them understand that it's not the end of the world. And I did, even though I would never have thought there would be a baby with CMS. But it was. And I did… number four… was to get kissed by a girl." Jonah smirked. "And I was. Even though I haven't had the chance to tell you about it. In the choir room."

"Were you kissed by a girl? By who?"

"This morning- and it was Moa."

"No?"

Jonah nodded but looked sadly down. Even though he had now gotten four of five things down from his bucket list. He was about to leave, he had fallen in love by the start of the year and now finally…

"She actually said she liked me. That she only hadn't realized it before."

Well, time for Jonah's first and last heartbreak. A girl he liked finally liked him back And now he was leaving. He was leaving Moa, me, our parents…

Jonah looked down on the paper sheet again. I could have done the same and seen number five but I wanted him to tell me.

For a few seconds I thought he was going to tell me by himself…

"So what's number five then?"

At last I just had to ask.

"Number five is about you Leah…" Jonah had gotten to the point where he could only say one sentence or so at the time because he was out of breath. I was about to say that he'd said that since the beginning of the year. But I didn't want to interrupt him. "…You're a great writer… And I want the world to see it… so when I'm not here… I want to know that you'll still… have someone to show them to… Can you promise me that?"

Jonah leaned his head back against the pillow. He was obviously exhausted.

To me the thought of showing anybody else than him what I was writing.

But how was I supposed to say no right now. And when Jonah wasn't here to see them. Could I live the rest of my life with nobody ever reading what I was writing because I was just too damn stubborn?

"I will… Not everyone at once. But I will. I promise."

"Then that's… that's my whole bucket list. Or… it will be as soon as you start showing your poems to other people… But there it is. Oh, and will you also tell Moa what the last point was. She was about as sneaky as you were…" Jonah sighed, then took my hand on one side and mum's on the other "Praying time… Don't you think dad?"

Dad didn't answer verbally. But he did take my hand in his and then reached over both me and Jonah and took mum's, when their hands were wrapped in each other's they laid right on top of Jonah's chest that was still moving up and down still.

There followed a few moments of silence, the only thing heard were breaths and Dr. Dylan pacing back and forth over the hallway floor outside.

"Dear father. Tonight we thank you for the blessing we were given in our son and brother whose name is Jonah Eric Nathaniel Carmichael. We thank you for showing us what has been your meaning all along. And we thank you for all the time we had together. We thank you for meeting Jonah, and someday the rest of us and everyone we know for eternity. We thank you for your way of showing us what things we should care about. We thank you… We thank you for the pain and…. Even though we cannot see what it is right now, we know you have a meaning and we'll be there to see it. We thank you for life itself and for giving us your only son to forgive all of our sins… In Jesus's name we pray… Amen."

"Amen."

"Amen."

"Amen."

The last amen was slow and hoarse. And was followed by a very shallow breath.

"Should I get the doctor?" Mum asked in stress and fear. "Should I get you something? A glass of water? I know you don't want any medicines but please… tell me something I can do Jojo."

"Just…" His voice was barely more than a whisper. "I just need to sleep some… Just let me rest for a while."

Neither she nor Jonah had any choice at that point. Jonah's eyelids were falling closed heavily and his breaths turned slower and deeper as he fell asleep while mum tenderly stroke his cheek.

Then once again we just laid there, Dr. Dylan came into the room and listened to Jonah's heart and lungs with his stethoscope. For every time he did he frowned a bit more, and as the morning passed by, at last he hung the stethoscope back around his neck, turned to us and cleared his throat.

"For every time I check now- Jonah's heartbeats and breaths are slower and more irregular. He might still wake up. But if so he might not even recognize you, if he's able to say anything at all it's probably gibberish… he hasn't got much time left now."

Mum started crying. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks and into the covers under her faster than what she could stroke them away. I and dad were still silent while Dr. Dylan left the room and started pacing back and forth in the hallway again.

"Hrm… ugh."

Jonah suddenly moved and started moaning before his eyes fluttered open only slightly and glanced towards the window where we could see the morning sun.

Something clenched in my stomach- with everything going on, if Jonah spoke gibberish and didn't recognize us I wasn't sure I could take things anymore.

"Can you hear me Jonah? Can you tell who I am?"

"Of course… I know… mum."

Jonah's breaths were short and shallow and his voice hoarse and weak. But he obviously remembered all of us as much as he ever did and for the moment that was a relief. Something that didn't change anything that was going on but made everything lighter to bear.

Jonah didn't say more for several minutes, but he was turned towards the window as the morning sun broke through the clouds and lit up his face.

"I always loved… this." His voice wasn't anything more than a hoarse whisper. "The sun… my bed… my family… praying… moments…" He took a breath. "You… I love you… All of you… Doctor too…. You all gave… me the best… life… I could have ever… had… thank you."

By that, with a last, weak smile Jonah fell back towards the pillow. Mum still stroke his cheek and looked as heartbroken as ever. But Jonah was calm. And I could see on just the way he laid was the way he wanted this to be.

Then came another breath, but this was gurgling, rattling so bad it sounded like he was choking.

"DOCTOR." Mum shouted in panic and Dr. Dylan hurried inside. "He's choking. We need to turn him on his side? How can we… DO SOMETHING." Dr. Dylan listened, then hung his stethoscope back around his neck. "Do something…"

"What you're hearing is called a death rattle." He explained as calmly as he could. "I think the best you could do now is to just… just let him know that you're there and tell him it's okay. Things like that."

Dr. Dylan walked out of the room and closed the door after him, but we heard him continue to pace back and forth like he had all night.

"Jojo." Mum almost whispered while stroking Jonah's cheek. "Can you hear me?" Another rattling breath was heard and mum gasped at the sound of it. "If you can… Just know that we're all here for you. I and Leah and Abram…" As if she knew she'd almost been forgotten Ariel made a squeaky noise from the foot of the bed. "And Ariel of course… And we all love you so- so- so- so much. And that's the way it'll always be. We'll always love you. And you'll always be with us."

Mum silent when another rattling breath was heard. It looked as if she wanted to cover her ears. Or get up and ran, run, run. Just run until she had run away from her feelings. But she didn't neither of those things. She just stayed, laid- quite squeezed in between Jonah's side and the railing of the bed. She still held onto dad's hand with one, and still with Jonah's hand in the other.

This was just the way it had always been. Or at least should have been. Not anything that could be bought for money. But just I, Jonah, mum and dad together for one single night.

This was one long night. But still way too short.

Jonah's voice that had held up for eighteen years. But had now turned into hoarse, rattling breaths. Each one lasted a million years. Even worse was that they came further and further apart.

"It's okay Jojo." Mum said softly. "I know you've been in a lot of pain. I'm so proud of you. We all are. You've fought for so long despite what anyone said… But it's okay if you let go now. None of us want you to be in anymore agony than what you have already. So… It's okay if you let go. And it's okay because we all love you very much."

Another rattling breath was heard.

Then we saw it.

We all saw it, it was obvious at the moment when Jonah just sort of faded away. Away from his body, away from what had hurt him so much, away from a heart condition…

And away from us.

"No… No… Jonah… Jojo." Mum pushed herself up on her elbow. "No. No… No… Doctor. DOCTOR."

Dr. Dylan came into the room, but it was so calmly he must have already known. He put the stethoscope in his ears again and bent over mum to push it in under Jonah's T shirt and listened.

"Can you all get down and then help me turn Jonah on his side so I can take a listen to his lungs." He pushed down the railing that had been put up to make sure mum didn't fall out of bed. "Whoa. Here. Sit up. Guys. Jonah's body is very, very lax right now so it's very heavy. Can you two get up to and pull him towards you so he turns. Hey. Dog, get down from there."

It was as if Ariel understood every word we could say. Maybe somewhere deep in her dog's mind she understood what was going on because now, after lying, warming our feet all night she got up and then jumped down from Jonah's bed.

I and dad reached over Jonah and grabbed the opposite side of him from where we stood. We were two but still had to gather both of our strength to be able to turn him around.

And all the time I was expecting that Jonah would wake up at any moment and smile as he usually would with a laugh.

Instead Dr. Dylan took his stethoscope again and this time held it towards Jonah's back under his shirt, bent down to hear something and my heart beating so hard I could feel the blood streaming in my ears.

And then at last Dr. Dylan hung the stethoscope back around his neck and glanced towards the lit up numbers on the digital clock on Jonah's bedside table.

"Time of death. Seven: thirteen."

For a moment the whole world stood still.

Then mum started crying. She had before too but this was different. It was loudly, sobbing and shaking. Dad hugged her from behind and tried to hide it- but tears were rolling down his cheeks and into the back of her shirt. Jonah laid right on the bed underneath them, underneath mum's hand with her fingers wrapped in Jonah's T-shirt.

It was the same T- shirt he had taken on yesterday morning. When this had seemed to be just another normal day. One of those it's been said when he was born that he'd never get to have.

But "time of death" was just so final…

It just changed everything.

Even Ariel was whimpering and laid her chin against my leg as if she too was crying. Even Dr. Dylan was wiping tears even though he was trying to seem professional.

Jonah's brown eyes had closed never to open again.

I knew all of this. I somehow knew what this meant.

But my eyes felt dry. A whole lot of feelings welled up inside of me but still I felt all numb.

I couldn't have cried if I'd tried my very best.

End of flashback

For the part when Mr. Schue was still talking to the others I stepped out from behind the curtains. But I didn't make a sound and when I was stepping out where all of them could see me onto the stage I suddenly stopped.

I had what I needed to say on my tongue. It was true- it had been true for hours now. But for the first time saying it and letting these people know the knowledge that had spun in my mind since this morning made it all way too real.

Then Mr. Schue suddenly stopped and in his eyes I could see that he saw me.

"Leah?"

No way was I getting away from here now. I might just as well…

Slowly I took one step out onto the stage, then another, then another. While all the time I gazed over the group that had ended up meaning so much these past six months. There was Lex that had ended up my best friend, Sean that- as a memory of everybody's come running into his mum's wedding. There was Marcie and Ben and Aiden. And then Moa that Jonah had kissed not even twenty four hours before he…

Before he…

When I heard myself saying it my voice sounded weird, as if I heard it from the other side of a wall or far, far away.

But I still wasn't crying.

"Jonah's gone."

Playlist
Jonah- Seasons in the sun- Terry Jacks (last verse re- written)
Lex- A thousand years- Christina Perri

Random fact

When I started this chapter- I don't remember what exact date it was but it was probably about November 25th. I knew pretty much that before I'd finished it or put it up, that my dear uncle would so to speak, pass away. And I was right- my uncle Svein died December the first. And I'll miss him.

It just seems strange that after years of planning this scene then someone close to me would die while I was working on it.

So rest in peace my uncle Svein April 27th 1956- December first 2018

And rest in peace Jonah. December eleventh 1999- March the second 2018