And then, where the last chapter left off. This one starts.
My laptop broke down. And in it I had the list of songs. Everything else I have or will get back as soon as I have my own laptop again. But right now, I don't have it and… it's also long ago since I wrote what songs it would be at Jonah's funeral. Which isn't until in the chapter after this one. Anyway, I'll make it work with how things look like now and not what they looked like when I was at the beginning of the story.
Rest in peace my dell Vostro 3350, brown. You've been a very dear and loyal friend to me the past seven years. You worked perfectly well all the way into the end and I'm sorry I couldn't treat you any better.
I don't even know if there's someone out there still reading this story.
"Jonah's gone."
The new directions 2018 has never been as quiet as right then. I looked around the group that still sat on the floor in front of me, most of them were just staring right ahead of them without a word. Without an expression that they felt anything at all.
Mr. Schue was still standing up, he was looking away at first, rubbing his chin. Then he made his way in between Moa and Lex, came over and before I had the time to stop him wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
I could have cried right then and there, but I didn't. I just held on for a couple of seconds and then let go. Mr. Schue kept his hand on my shoulder and patted slightly.
"How… It's a stupid question but how are you feeling?" I shrugged.
"Numb I guess. He die… he passed away about thirteen minutes past seven this morning. Mum and dad are crushed of course, especially mum. I'm just… numb… Anyway. I found this. It's a letter that he wrote when he was in like kindergarten." I pulled the letter out of my pocket. "And he… I don't know where exactly. But either way, no one would have been able to read it until he… died. And now when he did… We got it about noon today and I was asked to read it to you. Because there are some parts that you could help with."
My name is Jonah Carmichael and today I was asked to write a letter to someone. I decided to write a letter to my family- my mum's name is Edith, but she likes to be called Edna. Then my dad's name is Abram, and my little sister's name is Leah…
If someone had asked me on my way here if I'd start crying when I was reading the letter I'd probably have answered them "yes"
But then of course I'd always believed that when my brother finally passed away I would be crying at all. Which I hadn't…
But this letter isn't like others would be. Because I don't want them to read the letter when I give it to them. I want them to read the chapter when I'm dead.
I always knew that I'm going to die young. Mum and dad never tried to hide it from me or anything. But the thing was they'd be told I would die before I was five minutes old, then an hour, then one day and so it went and I was still alive. Now I'm in school and I am still alive.
But I do know I, and my heart has a disease. It's called CMS or Carmichael Syndrome. That's what it's called because when I had it no doctor in the world had found quite the same. And then they named it after me.
When I wake up every morning I do know that today might be my last day. But so could it be for anyone, but anyone could. Some time when someone doesn't look in both directions before crossing a road and they get hit by a car. Or it happens when someone's on a plane that crashes, or gets another illness called cancer. I met a lot of people who have cancer, some are children like me- not all of them are alive now.
I've seen parents and siblings and other family crying at funerals.
And now, I decided to write a letter about how I want my funeral.
I want my funeral to be as soon as possible.
On my funeral I don't want anyone to cry. I want them to smile and laugh about what I did when I was alive.
I made a pause in the reading, there were spread sniveling in the circle on the stage. Moa sat with her head lowered so her blonde hair covered her whole face. Mr. Schue was still standing up, walking around us and around rubbing his chin in distress.
I don't want people to wear their nicest black clothes because those clothes are always uncomfortable and black isn't even a color. My teacher told me that… But I don't get how black and white aren't colors. But I want people to wear their favorite clothes, and I want there to be all rainbow's colors in the church the day of my funeral.
I want to be dressed in a pajamas, in the casket with me my pillows and quilt and my teddy bear. But no one's allowed to call him teddy bear- he goes by the name "Cuddlebug"
I want dad to be the leader of the funeral. But I want him too to wear his favorite clothes and not his robes.
I don't want dad to read boring texts from the bible…
There was way too much in this letter that maybe one day we'd be able to laugh about.
But I want everyone who has got something to say to get up and tell the others about something they did with me. Maybe mum can tell people about when she found me with that cookie jar.
Then I want everyone to go to our house and eat cake- only cake. As much as they can possibly eat.
For music I don't want hymns. But there is only one song I Want there and it is my favorite. My heart will go on by Celine Dion. Because everybody knows that song. And I want my friends and family to sing at the top of their lungs- but maybe not grandpa though. Because that would hurt everybody's ears."
And then, I want everyone to do the songs they want. There can be fifty thousand songs in that church that day. I don't want anyone to feel left out.
I want no CD's or tapes used. Only people singing. My friends or enemies or family… everyone.
And when the time comes, I'm not going to go that far. Because when my soul leaves my body I will be more real than ever standing right with the people I love when they need me the most. And whether it will be two hours or two hundred years later I just want people to hear two things from me.
"Thank you for making my life what it was."
And the most important.
"See you later"
Sincerely
Jonah Eric Nathaniel Carmichael
PS. I love you.
The auditorium fell silent again when I had reached the end of the letter. But not all silent, still weirdly. Every snivel and every breath echoed in between the walls and the hundreds of seats in the audience.
"Jonah…" I started, despite the fact that I wasn't crying the words came slowly. "…As you know he wasn't going to join the glee club at all from the start. And it was so near that I didn't either. But… I wouldn't trade the time with this… the time with you for anything in the world. And… my parents were told he wouldn't live for five minutes- he lived for eighteen years. And from those years you have been the greatest friends." I let my gaze follow the group around. "Sure…. Some we knw better than others but… He did love all of you. And… The funeral will be in a week, on Friday evening. And like he said in the letter… you guys can come up with ten thousand songs if you so want to. But the one and only I and Jonah and our parents do want is my heart will go on by Celine Dion. And… don't sing in parts or anything… just sing… sing from the heart and sing… sing as loud as you can and… we will all sing with you… and hope that grandpa doesn't ruin all of our hearing… So… can we do that?"
Nobody said anything, at last I looked up at Mr. Schue. He had tears in his eyes and seemed in loss of words but he did give a small smile when he nodded slightly.
"It's going to be hard guys… But we're going to do it- and we can do it. If we work together as a team… If we work together as friends… and as a family. The family we are."
Normally people would cheer at what Mr. Schuester expressed. Although not this time, there were just more snivels and people barely even looked up. Our glee club coach sighed and continued pacing around and around the group.
He didn't seem to be able to say anything at all and time and time again I could see him swallowing hard.
"What would Jonah have wanted now though?" I suppressed a sigh when Teeghan started the first of everyone after a long while of silence. "Would he still want everyone to dress weirdly? Would he still want your dad to be the pastor? Would he still want that… Lovebug or whatever?"
"Cuddlebug." I corrected. "And believe me. Jonah didn't change his mind. Not ever. Not about anything and… He never changed his mind about what he wrote in this letter."
There were a few nods and yes's among the group. But nobody said anything. I didn't take the time or check the clock so I didn't know exactly how long but one minute after passed by while it must have been at least an hour before anyone at all say something.
"I've only been to one single funeral in my whole life." Suddenly Tyler broke the silence. "That was last year when Hayley's dad died. So it was no one I knew or anything we were only there with the glee club…" He sighed. "Sorry… I don't know why I said that…"
I could see Lex slipping her hands into Tyler's. He squeezed hers and they looked at each other. I knew for them those looks meant more than what words could ever tell and then seconds passed by again without anyone saying anything at all.
"Nope." Moa suddenly interrupted the silence and with fast, stern steps hurried around the group in the same way as Mr. Schuester. "We're doing this." She suddenly stopped and stared suddenly out in the group and all of us one after the other. "We are doing this and I think you all know that. We have to do it… For Jonah. Because it is what he wants."
The silence was not as thick this time. It was just so…. Silent!
"Anyone else have any ideas?" Rafaél asked… "I mean… I knew Jonah and everything but… Do anyone else have any good idea about what they want?"
Now I could really feel that we all thought the same.
"It's not about what we want though. It's about what Jonah would have wanted and what he wanted was in that letter so…" For the first time there wasn't a long silence before anyone answered. Then after half of what he had to say Mr. Schue stopped again and held his hand forward, Moa held out hers and put it on top of his, Lex was the next one top get up and then one after one they all did it. I made sure I was the last one to stand up and then put my hand upon the others'
I didn't dare whisper even what I would have wanted to say. The only person of this glee club that should have heard it wasn't here to hear it.
Dear Jonah, we'd never have been able to do this if it wasn't for you and all you taught us. About friendship, about love, about hope and so many other things…
"Yes…" I suddenly heard myself saying. "Mr. Schuester's right. We can do this… together."
Together
Random fact
I googled on some names that are common for teddy bears. And the name Cuddlebug was my favorite- that's just so sweet.
