I finished one more story, "break, broke, broken trust". So now the only story left until I have finished all of the ones I mentioned were almost finished and that is "How far I'll go".
Everything during the first days after Jonah had drawn his last breath ended up being a great blur in my memory. On one hand we- I and mum was dressing Jonah in his favorite pyjamas to be buried in. Then on the next I was back in school and people were whispering about me behind my back and in every direction, stopping when I turned towards them…
On a third part of my life the first week of my life that was without Jonah mum and dad were usually on different places, mum usually was in her room or by the kitchen table crying, dad was sorting out whatever he needed for the funeral… hiding at work or he'd be in the living room staring right ahead of him as if he didn't see what was right in front of his eyes, or with his head buried in his hands, almost all quietly sniveling and sobbing
And then me in the middle of the whole mess that was my life.
On Friday, Jonah's funeral was set to start at noon, but of course I and mum and dad were there earlier to sort everything out. At first when we arrived at church mum had opened it to make everything was absolutely right, for the fiftieth time she moved Cuddlebug's position and then laid the rainbow- patterned rose in it right by Cuddlebug… And then moved Cuddlebug again, laid him on top of Jonah's chest and then lifted his hand so it laid over the soft fabric- bear.
"I think that's good."
I was very tempted to say that she had said the same thing at least three times at the funeral home. But this was not the time for that.
For one last time I looked down on Jonah's pale, light- colored skin before I took a step back and dad closed the casket and showed mum and me to come after him into the sacristy.
"Well. I think we can all agree on the fact that this will be far from another funeral, like the millions I've led before. And I think it's safe to say that that won't be only because it's for our dear son and brother. I could never stand it if I was up there by the altar and said the same words and sang the same hymns as for everybody else. And Jonah let us know perfectly well in that letter how he wanted his funeral to be and that's what I'll make for him. So, I won't say much. Instead I'll put some time for everyone who's there to say or sing or whatever they want. And then… it might go well or it might not. And no matter what I think that Jonah would have found a way to like it."
When dad stood up from the table we sat around he glanced towards the open wardrobe door in the corner where there hang a clothes hanger with his robes on it. He then looked down on his own jeans and purple jumper. He tugged the plastic collar for a bit and adjusted it slightly in the black collar of the shirt while he looked himself in the mirror…
"I guess that's it then…"
"Did you have to wear that?"
I looked down on my clothes, well. Jonah had once said he wanted us to wear our own favorite clothes rather than nice, preppy ones. And I had made sure to do that in a sweater with a print of those okay? Okay clouds from the fault in our stars, then sneakers in the same blue color and with one cloud on either shoe, then my favorite jeans.
"Don't say anything Leah. Ed…" Dad himself interrupted and answered before I had thought of an answer before he sent mum a meaningful glance. "And don't you dare feel bad about anything Leah. I've got something for you too." He put his hand down his jacket pocket and pulled out a small jewelry box and handed it to me. "Open it now please."
I raised an eyebrow, this did not seem as the moment to hand out presents. But through the tears in his eyes dad seemed to give a faint smirk and I opened the box to find a necklace, with a thin, silver chain, a silver heart that said "little sister" and two jewelry stones.
"Do you know what these are?" Dad asked and tenderly held his hand out so he slightly touched the stones, I thought for a moment, and then shook my head. "They're birthstones. The light blue is blue topaz for December. And then the dark blue is water sapphire for September. Here, let me put them on you." Dad took the necklace and I turned and lifted my hair up so he could put it on.
Mum still didn't look happy when she glanced over my mostly blue clothes, but didn't say anything more.
"Wait… Abram?" Mum called out for him when he started walking towards the door out to the church room and he turned around. "Shouldn't we start with praying for the funeral to hope for this day to go…. According to plan."
"I haven't really felt like praying lately…"
With another sigh dad fingered more on his pastor's collar, as if he mostly wanted to take it off. He then showed mum and myself a forced smile and then showed us to come after him out of the sacristy, through the whole church and to stand down by the doors and wait for people to come inside.
Dad went furthest down and opened the large doors for people to come inside when they arrived. The day seemed weirdly light and warm for what was today.
But through the door I could see the sun shining bright… It seemed further away than ever, like it shouldn't even have been shining at all.
My mum's parents were the first ones to arrive and inside the door, and I wasn't surprised when they only greeted me with each nod and then walked up to my parents.
They hadn't cared for me yet in my life, so why start now? I was just too used to it to even feel hurt. And looking to the door I hoped that the next few ones would be some friends of mine. Or at least someone that would more than look at me.
It was my aunt Andrea and my cousin Wilson- him I hadn't met for two years.
"Hey Wil." I stood on my toes to be able to hug him, then lowered and hugged my aunt. "It's been a while for sure."
"Yeah." Wilson nodded. "I suppose you… you're just never reminded of… doing things- like coming and meeting Jonah until it's over and he's not there anymore…" Wilson's voice broke and he wiped tears with the back of his hand. "I have just been crazy busy with school and work these past couple of years that I didn't see it until now."
We all knew this was coming.
Jonah adored you, why couldn't you come and visit more often.
Don't even try it. I know you thought Jonah was annoying.
"You're right." I ended up saying at last. What was going on wasn't Wilson's fault. "But here we are today and we have learnt about everything we have to lose. And we can't change what has happened so the first thing to do is to just go up there and take a seat. And then dad most likely will let everyone know what's going to happen next."
Well, didn't we all know what was ought to happen next?
What happened next was that people arrived, then more people, and then more. And then even more.
When Jack and his family arrived and came in I started talking to Megan and his mum, pretending not to see Jack himself. I felt an urge to just kick the whole family out of here. But I soon realized that they had known Jonah and therefore had every right and reason to be here.
One by one the church benches filled up, someone sat down near the back, somebody else near the front, some in the middle…
"Hey you guys." Dr. Dylan came up in the middle of the worst rush of people so he just barely got the time to greet us with also a group of other doctors and nurses that came with him. "Well…. I just wanted to say…"
We never heard what it was he had to say, at least I didn't. Because right after Dr. Dylan the glee club members started coming…
Lex and Tyler were the first ones from the glee club to come inside, and I barely had the time to register they were both wearing the red hoodies we had gotten for sectionals before Rafaél, Connor, Anna, Alice, Johnny… One member of the glee club after the other came inside, every single one in that bright red hoodie we had gotten for heart disease awareness.
"I'd almost forgotten those…" I said with a forced smile. "Thanks guys."
Moa had brought her brother. She was carrying him on her hip and right after the rest of the glee club Burt and Carole came too. I gave Lex a quick hug, then I suddenly see from where I stood at the back of the church how each and every of the church bench there were people that had squeezed together in their seats.
"It's full…" I almost whispered to myself. "…All of these people."
"Are here because Jonah touched them in one way or another." Lex finished my sentence. "Well, I guess this isn't the time to stop and talk. But you know where you have me if you need anything… And it doesn't matter if it's in the middle of the night… show up or give me a call and I'll be there."
Alexandria Hudmel really was one of the best friends around.
"I will… And thank you Lex. I could never thank you enough."
"Oh, yes you can."
Without telling me how it was that I could thank her she turned around and wrapping her hand into Tyler's the glee club and their family members moving down the aisle. They probably would have wanted to sit in a group. But quickly realized they couldn't.
"Hello Howie." One of the little kids that had met Jonah at the hospital came last with his parents and I greeted them. "Well, you guys just find a seat where you can find one. It's exactly eleven o'clock now so I guess there won't be coming any more people."
Howie and his parents greeted my parents. I stood up behind them and turned towards the aisle of the church, and then, to the bells ringing when also Howie had found a seat, I and mum and dad walked through the aisle step by step.
Every step seemed way too slow and hard. Like I couldn't even walk if Jonah wasn't there to hold me. And when dad continued up to the altar and I and mum sat down it felt as if I had stood up for a second longer I would have ended up collapsing.
I couldn't do so right now though. As I laid my arm around mum's shoulder and heard and saw her cry I knew I had to be there for her. And also for my dad who had taken a microphone and started...
"Hello…. For you who don't know, my name is Abram Carmichael. I work as a pastor in this church and more than that I'm also Jonah's father… As we all know. This isn't a regular funeral by any means. And yet I've been doing about a thousand of those. This won't be regular partly because as a pastor, you're not supposed to be burying your own friends or family. But also because Jonah was as far from a regular person as anyone else I have ever known. And… when we went through some things we found a letter he wrote when he was seven or eight. And he had written how he would have liked his funeral… And first thing first… If anyone has got a song to sing, a story to tell or anything at all… come up here, stand by that microphone. And do what you want to…. And don't worry… just do it. And… Jonah would have wanted everybody to get their time and chance to show themselves so… just tell everyone your name and who you are and were to Jonah and then go."
Dad left the microphone in its stand and came sitting down on the other side of mum from me. And putting his arm around her shoulder mum was crying more than ever…
At first it didn't seem like anyone was going to get up. Then all of a sudden my grandmother, as in dad's mum got up on her feet and turned to the others.
"Hello everyone. My name is Susan Carmichael. I am the mother of Abram and Andrea. And the grandmother of Jonah, Leah and Wilson… As we all know. Jonah was an extraordinary young man. And I don't just say that because I love my grandchildren more than anything. But he was… kind, and caring, hard- working and as we all know a miracle. By the time he was five years old and started kindergarten we had started wondering if he wasn't going to live far longer than what the doctors had told us. And Jonah had never cared for it while we… we just tried our best not to. And then we asked him once when he came home from school… don't you ever have any homework? And Jonah just looked up at me like duh! Grandma, you need to understand this. And then told me that "if this life will be as short as doctor Dylan told me it's going to be. Then I'm not going to spend a single second of it doing homework" and then he told me. "And neither will I care about what I shouldn't do." Before he ate a whole, big bowl of ice cream and chocolate sauce. And I have never seen a little child… I've never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting as he did right then… And these moments, they're the ones I try to hold onto and remember on hard days like these. And… there are millions of different memories with Jonah… And I would know he wouldn't want them to hurt people."
Grandma took a deep, shaky breath and wiped the tears with a tissue she held in her hand.
"And I think… that someday… we're going to be able to think back to this day. We're going to remember the things Jonah did… even when he got an F on his first test because he hadn't studies… and laugh about it. Even though we cannot today…" At last grandma gave a weak smile, then she went back to sit next to grandpa, and looking back I saw her lean against him and cry her heart out.
The whole church fell silent again, then I suddenly heard someone standing up, and footsteps along the aisle until Moa came forward and into my sight when she moved up to the altar and turned towards the microphone.
"Hello everyone…" she said, carefully and shakily. "My name is Moa. And I was in the glee club with Jonah. And he… he was a great friend. And I… I just moved from Sweden last summer. And Jonah was one of those people that just made me feel welcome. And then months ago he told me he liked listening to me speaking to my brother or my friends from back ho… from Sweden. Because he liked the sound of it He didn't understand a word so he was fascinated that we did. So, last weekend I was wondering about what song to do, because I wanted to do something here today… I was going to do another song but… I… Well, it doesn't really matter where I found it but…. I decided on this song and I'm happy with the decision… It also sounds the best when it's without any instruments at all and… here we go."
I could see Moa clenching her shaking hands, then moving away from the microphone to take a deep breath before she moved back towards it and started singing.
As I knew I wouldn't. I didn't get a single word of what Moa sang. I just heard her voice being clear and steady, instead of shakily as when she had been talking. And I knew that whatever it meant and was about, hearing the song sent shivers down my spine.
And then suddenly, a bit into song suddenly I heard footsteps, I turned and through the aisle I could see Moa's little brother Nils coming up. I heard a gasp from next to me, but knew it was mum without looking up when he walked straight up to his sister who lifted him up on her hip.
I didn't understand more of the lyrics than what I had thirty seconds ago. But Moa suddenly took his hand in her empty one, he then leaned his cheek against hers that was wet and swollen with tears and when Moa's voice was breaking he started singing along.
Well, if there had been one dry eye in the whole church before there certainly wasn't one now.
Except for mine that was.
I still hadn't been able to shed a single tear since Jonah died.
And why would I anyway? People said that crying felt good, that it made things hurt less. That it was relieving.
So why would I? Not once in my life I would ever be relieved after this…
"Well, that was that. And- this is my brother Nils."
Moa put Nils down onto the floor, and still holding onto his hand they made their way back to the bench about in the middle of the church where they had taken each seat. And once again the church fell silent.
If I would have imagined this day earlier. I would have expected one person after the other to get up and say something. But now, in between every person there was silence, and I almost expected dad to get up and said that we'd have to move on. But he didn't, and nobody else moved until Wilson got up from a couple of meters to my left, took a guitar that stood by the door to the sacristy. And then headed towards the microphone.
"Hi. My name is Wilson Carmichael, and I'm Jonah and Leah's cousin. I am twelve years older than Jonah and when I still lived here in Lima we used to hang out every once in a while." He took a chord on the guitar. "…Ever since he was little I noticed he enjoyed it… I'm not sure this would be the song for another, more regular funeral… but this isn't one…. This song would then be sung from Jonah's point of view… And… here we go."
Wilson had been right- this wasn't a song that was usually for funerals. But I did get what it meant- and Jonah would for sure have liked the thought of today being more about what he'd lived and the good times he had had rather than death…
The first times Jonah had been with Wilson I couldn't remember since I had been so little. But as he got older he had often talked about it and he had enjoyed those days more than most…
Wilson's voice was shaking, but not breaking. And I got the feeling that if I was closer and looked him into the eyes I would have been able to see all the memories playing like a movie…
And not even thinking back to the whole load of good days I had had with Jonah. Or that Wilson had had with him. Or mum or dad or anybody else he had ever known. My eyes were dry despite all the sniveling and sobbing that echoed through the church.
My eyes were dry and where I sat slumped in the bench I just had to be there for my mum… And dad, and Wilson who came sitting down again with tears streaming down his cheeks. I had to be there for everybody.
And I didn't know who on earth was there for me…
This time it didn't take as long as it had before. Wilson had just sat down when I heard footsteps coming up the aisle. And when he saw the size of the little bot who wanted to speak, dad got up and took the microphone from the stand and handed it to the dark- haired boy who looked through his glasses towards the lot of us.
My name is Howie and I'm se…" He cleared his throat. "My name is Howard and I'm almost eight. I have an illness called cystic fibrosis. And I used to meet Jonah loads in the hospital. And… when I was little… I guess about three or four. When I was learning what it meant to be ill. I was really sad. And I didn't know what to do because my parents were sad too… And then I met Jonah. And he told me about him and Carmichael Syndrome. And he taught me that I can have a good life no matter how my body works. And I can live a perfectly nice even with an illness. And I can live for a long time even though the doctor's say otherwise. And… sometimes to this day, and I think it will be for the rest of my life. I think back to what he said to me about being ill. That I can just be me… And it really helps. Jonah really helps…"
I guess if there was one speech who would ever really describe who Jonah was….
Howie nodded towards the lot he was speaking to, then looked down to hide the tears that started streaming down his cheeks while he walked back to sit with his mum.
Now again the church was left in silence, and this time for at least ten minutes before I felt mum getting up next to me and turned to face us others.
"Hello… As I think all or many of you know, my name is Edna Carmichael. And I'm Jonah's mum… I'm prouder of my son than of anything else I could ever imagine. But, for now. I know that Jonah loved music, and he loved the glee club. So I'd like to welcome them up here."
One after one in every angle of the church my friends from the glee club got up, and with them Aiden was carrying a cd player. And before anyone started talking he plugged it in and pushed the button, then paused it.
Then at last Mr. Schue came up too and got right in front of the microphone.
"Hello, everybody." His voice seemed unusually strong and clear. "My name is Will Schuester and I'm… this is my glee club. That Jonah was a part of. And we're the new directions. And we're…" Mr. Schue gestured at them and then spoke each of the names of the glee club members. "And Jasper Gota. So… I think my friend Lex is going to tell you what happens next."
Mr. Schue stepped away from the microphone and walked to the outskirts of the group while Lex stepped forward.
"When we read that old letter Jonah had written he only asked for one specific song to be done on his funeral. And it's a song that many people know, and we were thinking about what instruments we were going to use but… We decided to use a CD so that everyone can just concentrate on singing as loud as they want. And, if we're going to believe in what Jonah wrote in that letter. That goes even for his granddad even though that make everybody else deaf."
Lex's vision passed along the two front rows. And when I realized what she was doing I walked across the aisle and pointed to the correct grandfather. He pouted and pretended to be hurt- he actually knew exactly what a terrible singer he was.
I walked back to sit next to mum and Aiden put the CD player on, the intro of the Celine Dion song that Jonah had wished to be done here today sounding loud when the janitor went to plug it into the loud speakers, and then turned the sound on as loud as possible before the music started playing. And then, with a song that most of us knew since before, everybody were singing. Just singing.
It started off a bit insecurely, it was mostly the glee club singing, I and some others. Then, all of a sudden when we reached the refrain it was obvious more and more people, more and more voices joined in.
I couldn't quite help it, I couldn't stay sitting in this and before the first refrain was over I had risen to my feet…
I didn't look around on the others, but I could see in the corner of my eye and sense that all around me people were standing up too. That this moment was somehow just too big to stay on one's butt.
And by the time the last refrain was coming, every single person in the whole church were singing at the very top of their lungs.
Shivers went down my spine when my grandpa's, hoarse voice sounded louder than any other.
And I couldn't help the thought that struck me that this was exactly what Jonah had wanted when he wrote that letter.
"Well." Dad was the last one to come in front of all of the rest when the song had rang out. "I guess that's it. Thank you everyone for lovely stories and beautiful singing. Now… I think we already decided who was going to carry the coffin, and you do so and then just follow me and I'll lead you to the grave."
Six men made their way forward and to the six sticks that was stuck in the coffin for them to carry it outside, my two grandfathers side by side in the front, right behind them were Wilson and Dr. Dylan on either side, and behind them, at the back were Mr. Schuester and Burt.
Dad walked in the front while the music from the large organ started playing, and I could hear mum breaking down again as one line by the other people started making their way towards the doors and out towards the graveyard, then down the porch steps, to the right and down a hill before we finally stopped by a new, deep whole right under a large tree.
"Lex." I whispered to her, she had stayed a bit behind since Burt was helping with carrying the coffin that they slowly put in the hole and lowered it with ropes. "Most people will be leaving now. But I just wondered if you could stay for a minute. Most of the people staying are… relatives of mum's and dad's and… I could need someone here too."
"Of course I will." Lex wrapped her fingers around mine for me to feel her support. "Mum?"
I heard Lex saying something to Carole, asking about staying here for another few minutes. But I couldn't hear what they said. I could barely feel it when Carole wrapped her fingers around my empty one, everything I could hear for the moment was the thud when the coffin with my brother in it hitting the bottom of the hole that would make his final resting place.
Dad started talking again, but I couldn't hear it still. Everything I heard was that terrible, terrible sound of the very end playing over and over in my mind.
"And now, we leave this place today." Dad said at last, and hearing that this was almost over I shook my head and returned to reality, no matter how much it hurt. "But this place will be open for anyone who wants to come here in the future. And we will forever remember our Jonah as a pride and joy, a beloved son and brother, and a very good and dear friend."
Dad had been strong for all of us this whole day. He was ought to break at some point. Not even pastors had some sort of control over their feelings that the rest of us didn't.
While the rest of the people left the cemetery I and mum stood on the inner side of the gate, nodded, said our goodbye's, hugged, not very different from what we had been doing this morning at the church as the funeral was about to start.
Dad stood nearby the gate on the other side, towards the road…
Lex and her parents were the last ones to leave, she and Carole had been holding onto my hands all through the last minutes. Now they had to let go of this for me to greet and say goodbye. When Carole came around she hugged me, long and hard, then shook hands with mum, left and then the same with dad.
"You know. If there's anything at all you need. You just have to give us a call or show up."
Carole had a tissue in her hand like most others had had here today. And I saw her clench her hand tightly around it before she turned with that last promise and was about to leave.
It was when Burt had just turned his back against us that dad suddenly fell, right down as if his knees had just buckled under him. Sudden, none of us had the chance to catch him, it seemed to go in slow motion when we heard dad's head smack into the metal gate as he fell.
"DAD?"
"Abram?"
"I'm okay." Dad was making his way back onto his feet before we had the time to react. "I'm okay… Damn!"
Dad swearing wasn't exactly an indication of him being okay. Of anything being okay, and when he laid his hand on the back of his head and then held it in front of him it was covered in blood.
"Here…" Burt, Lex and Carole hurried back along with some of the others who hadn't had the time to leave yet. "…let me see." When dad didn't seem to want to do anything Carole grabbed his shoulders and span him around, then grabbed his hand he was trying to hold to the wound. "No Abram, this isn't okay. You need stitches, or this will become a nasty scar. And you might have a concussion."
"I told you, I'm fine. And I don't exactly have any time to go to the hospital now. I need to go home…" He tried to walk away but Carole held onto his shoulder. "…I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions and I'm making the decision now that I am fine."
"I have a first aid kit in my car." Carole said with a sigh. "At least let me tape it… If it becomes a car at least your hair will cover it… As long as you have got any hair left. But then you have to promise me to go to the hospital if you feel nauseas or dizzy or even black out. Okay, promise me?"
"I promise…" Now it was dad's turn to sigh, and when we all started making our way up to the driveway and everybody's' cars I heard him mumble and then sigh again, as if he didn't even believe what he said. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
Playlist
Moa- Du är allt (you are everything)- Sonja Aldén
Wilson- best day- Taylor Swift
Everyone- my heart will go on- Celine Dion
Wilson looks like Robert Buckley.
The last sentence is from the bible, it is Matthew, 5: 4
Before, when I've used songs in Swedish I've translated it and sent out to everyone who's followed or put it on their favorites- list. But I don't know if there's still anyone out there reading this story anyway so I won't do that this time or any other time. If anyone wants to see those translations, write it in a review or send me a pm about it and I'll send it to you.
I was planning for years for Moa to sing the song utan dina andetag (without your breaths) by Kent. But then, not so long ago I watched a movie called hur många lingon finns det I världen? (how many lingonberries are there in the world?) and in that one is a funeral where they do the song Moa does in the chapter and I started questioning and then I ended up thinking this was a better choice and here we are.
At the moment Moa takes Nils's hand during the song there's a line that goes "then we shall take each other's hands".
Random fact
I would have wished for more people to come forward on Jonah's funeral. But I couldn't come up with anything else. Perhaps I'll make something later into the story and then more people will come forward with stories or songs.
