I finished How far I'll go and now that's all of the stories I told you were close to their endings. And a oneshot I've had on my mind for ages called go round and round and for Degrassi. And also another oneshot called the promise I made because I really wanted to write something for when calls the heart.

I also started a new story for the dumping ground. But well… that's about it at the subject of started and finished stories.

When we came home from the church later during the day as the funeral had been I was happier than ever I had finally gotten the one thing I wished for more than anything for my birthday last year.

And currently she sat right next to me, I on the corner of the wooden kitchen sofa and Ariel by my legs. Dad sat holding a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a kitchen towel held towards his head, mum was sitting right next to him.

Dad's parents sat on his other side of him and seemed as in loss of what to do as I, or anybody else of what to say. On the edge of the table sat Andrea and Wilson, and right by mum on the other edge of the table sat grandma and grandpa on her side of the family.

All of them were so close I could reach out my arm and touch them, but me being the only one on the long kitchen sofa and feeling a thousand miles away I still held the fingers of one hand wrapped in Ariel's thick, white fur.

"No." Grandma (mum's mum) suddenly started and stood up. "This is it. We can't just sit here and wait for the time to bass by as if that would change anything." She walked over to the kitchen counter, opened the dishwasher and started taking the clean dishes out.

Mum or dad would probably have told her not to any other day, but none of us had the words or the energy to do that right now, and soon grandma moved on to the dirty dishes that had been left in the sink during the past week and started putting them into the washer.

"These chores don't go away you know."

I and mum and dad just looked at each other in that way we had the past week, mum and dad sitting side by side and I alone with Ariel. As if none of us knew anything about what to do. As if it was only Jonah who could have kept this family together.

"Have you lot eaten today? Have you eaten the past week? Do you have anything that can be made into a meal- ugh!"

That last thing came when she opened the fridge door and was hit by the smell of sour milk and week- old meat. She held her nose when she took it out, put it in the compost and then carried it outside.

"I'm guessing I'll have to go out and by something then? What do you want? Takeaway or should I make something? You all always liked that mince sauce I made."

It was only about food. But still something inside of me just snapped.

"No I didn't."

As if the silence hadn't been thick enough I could feel everyone's eyes on me when they turned towards me.

"But… but, you always said you liked that."

"No I didn't."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did."

Grandma was left only staring at me with her mouth wide open. As if she finally remembered that I'd only eaten pasta when that mince sauce was made.

"Leah, honey. Is there anything we can do for you? You know you only have to tell us if there is."

"You have got to be kidding me!"

The tone in my voice had ended up sounding more strict and angrier than I had planned it too. But now here we were and after they had ignored me for so many years I just couldn't leave it be by now.

"Leah, honey. We're only trying to help."

"Don't "honey" me. You know very well what you've been doing to me, and to Wilson. Hasn't she Wil?" My cousin decided to not say anything- I was alone in this whole world except for Ariel who stood wining next to me. "What so… it's only when Jonah's not around me anymore that I'm good enough for you two."

"Leah." Mum said in a threatening tone of voice. "Please… not right now."

"It has been "not right now" for my whole life and I'm sick of it. I just want an answer. I just want a reason to why you were all over Jonah as soon as we were at yours and then simply ignored me, and ignored Wilson and everybody else."

"Leah…" Tears were rolling down my grandmother's cheeks. "…Don't you understand the reason yourself? We could have lost Jonah at any moment. And now we have, and you and Wilson have got every reason to stay alive for years and years after this and then we'll be able to give you all the attention that Jonah isn't here to get."

"Do you remember I was hit by a car last summer?" I was panting and standing up by now. "A little bit different it could have been, the car could have been driving a little faster and it could all be over. What would you have done then? Would you know that I loved singing and writing? Would you have known that nobody else could read what I wrote but Jonah? Would you have known that for every birthday and Christmas as long as I can remember I had a dog? Do you even remember that I was born at 9/ 11 when Wilson's initials are W. T. C. DID YOU?"

Grandma was hyperventilating now, I only hoped it was for realizing and seeing in front of her that I was absolutely right.

"Go to your room Leah." My dad suddenly said. "I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM."

Dad stood up and pointed to the hallway as if I was a little kid when I didn't move, then, as if she understood what was going on Ariel trotted before me through the hallway and into my little room that had once been made from a wardrobe and slammed the door so hard the whole house shook.

"Come here." Lying down on my back and pressing myself as near the wall as I could I patted on the sheet next to me, Ariel- who was a lot bigger than when she was only a puppy came crawling up next to me and I could bury my face in her fur. "I'm right. I'm the only one who dares to say it. They all know I'm only speaking the tru…"

I was interrupted in the middle of a word when the door to my bedroom suddenly flew open and mum stomped inside.

"How dare you?" I sat up and then stood, fire was burning in her eyes- I had never seen her like this. "How dare you hurt them like that? They have always done what's best for you and for Jonah and for Wilson and you throw it in their face like that."

I raised an eyebrow, didn't say anything at all. I shoved the fear of her when she looked at me and panted furiously in the way she was. But I knew I'd have to say something.

"So… what was their plan with ignoring me and being all over Jonah. You know Jonah hated being worried and fussing over him like this. But he too knew that they never cared for a word I said."

"Leah…" Mum hadn't stopped panting. "You can't be this jealous. You're only jealous and now you're taking it out on them. On my parents and me and dad and…"

"Jonah hated it too."

My parents had never hit me, not once.

Until then…

I didn't have the time to react for it until mum's palm whipped across my cheek…

With my cheek burning I took a step back, then a step forward again and turned my other cheek. But mum didn't say anything, in difference from Ari who stood right next to me whimpering.

"I have to take her outside or she'll do her business on my bedroom floor."

I couldn't hurry enough

I just ignored dad and every single one who tried to talk to me on the short way from my bedroom to the hallway. Where I quickly took my shoes and my jacket, beanie and mittens and then Ari's collar and leash from a hook on the wall.

"Come here Ari." I pulled the collar over her head. "We're going outside now."

Ariel kept on whimpering where she walked right next to me. I could have cried… But I couldn't. Maybe I wanted to, I didn't know. But thoughts were spinning in my mind even worse than they had before today.

My cheek was still burning, and so was the conscience about what I had said. Despite knowing I was right I knew that I had waited all my life to say what I had just said to old Mr. and Mrs. McAllen. But now I had it didn't feel any good at all.

I guess sometimes we just had to do things that didn't feel good.

Jonah didn't feel good about leaving us…

I hadn't noticed what way I was on until I could hear a door open and Lex came out and towards the road to throw the trash in the big trash cans by the road.

"Hey…" She greeted me. "…I would ask if you're okay. But… I know you're not. And the question only would be annoying so… I'll ask instead… I'll ask… Is there anything I can do?"

I hesitated for quite a while, at least Lex didn't seem to be trying to force the answer out of me, but when for the first time in a while Ariel stopped whining and Lex kneeled to pet her I did have at least a few seconds to try and find a way to express myself.

"Lex…" I hesitated again, but there couldn't hurt by just asking could there. "Do you think it's alright if I could stay with you? Only for a night or two? As I think you can understand there's a bit much at our house right now… a bit of many people coming and going and I… I just have to get away from it all."

"Well." Lex pushed herself up from sitting kneeled to pet Ariel. "…I have to ask my mum but I don't think that would be a problem."

"Ask me what?" Carole just came up by our side where none off us had been able to notice her come up. "What is not going to be a problem?" I and Lex looked to each other and I hesitated at first but decided to ask myself rather than to let Lex ask for me.

"I'm just… Well, as you must understand there are people coming and going at our house right now, several times a day even when it's not the funeral day. I was just wondering if I could stay here, with you. Maybe one night or two, just until Monday comes and I can get away to school for a few hours a day and…"

I wasn't so sure what I had meant to say afterwards so I silent and bit my lip while I waited, the seconds seemed awfully long while I waited for Carole to answer.

"Yes, of course that's okay." I couldn't help but breathe out. "Honey you can stay here for as long as you want." Ariel gave a bark from right next to us as if she asked on her own before I had the chance. "Oh yes, of course you can stay too…"

I couldn't help but breathe out in relief was one more time. Only the knowledge that I and Ariel too would have somewhere or someone at all in this world.

"Can she stay here? I just need to go back home to get some things."

"Of course she can. Would you like me to drive you?"

"I can walk there." I answered a bit too fast, because immediately I regretted it. For Carole to drive me was the quickest way to do this. But then I'd already said I would walk, handed Lex the leash and turned to walk down the driveway. "Carole." I couldn't help but to call out when I'd intended to keep walking. "There's just one more question. I know I've been sharing room with Lex when I've come here for sleepovers. But… maybe… if Kurt, Blaine, Finn or Rebeccah aren't here then…"

"You'd like some privacy and lend one of their rooms?"

"If it's not too much trouble."

"You're never too much trouble. I'll sort it out. Are you sure you don't need a ride back?"

"I…" I hesitated, what was there I needed to get anyway? "Actually. It would be nice. If you're sure it's not too much trouble."

"It's no trouble at all. I'll get my keys."

The way from the Hudmel- house and to mine wasn't long, not even five minutes it took by car. Yet it felt awfully long with every second that I sat next to the adoptive mother of my best friend in the shotgun seat.

While at the same time I wouldn't have minded if it was longer so I could think of whatever I could say or do when I came inside the four walls of what had been my home for all my life.

"You can wait here." I unbuckled the belt and reached for the handle in the door. "I won't be long."

I could feel my heart beating hard in nervousity, especially when I saw grandma and grandpa's car still standing in our driveway and they must still be here, there was no way our house was big enough for me to avoid them when I walked up the porch and into the house.

"Leah?" I didn't speak a noise coming into the house but after seconds I could hear mum's voice from the kitchen. "Will you come in here please?"

"No." I said, sounding a lot ruder than I had intended. "I'm just here for a minute. I'm going and then I'll stay at Lex's for a bit…"

Without anything else I hurried into my room, grabbed my backpack from the corner and a bigger bag from under my bed. No way was I going to come back here any faster than what I had to. And with that I put the bags open on the bed, opened the wardrobe and started taking out whatever items I liked wearing.

A hoodie, two pairs of jeans, some pairs of socks…

"Leah." All of a sudden dad was in the doorway. "You can't run from this."

"I'm not running from anything." I closed the bag, took the backpack and shoved down my laptop, chargers and then was left standing, panting and looking around while dad was watching me. "Can't you just come and talk to us before you go?"

"Carole's waiting in her car, she gave me a ride." I shoved down my school things in the backpack, then closed both bags and hurried out into the hallway where I dropped them on the floor while I realized I had to go into the kitchen where everyone were to get food for Ari and her food and water bowls.

I couldn't help but to freeze in the hallway and take a deep breath, when I hurried into the kitchen I didn't look at my mum or her parents who sat by the table and seemed to be the only ones still left here. Most of us had been crying today, but I couldn't have stood the way grandma was looking at me. I felt it badly enough without looking at her.

No Leah! I thought to myself. You aren't supposed to feel bad about this. None of this is your fault and everyone here knows it.

I swallowed everything I was feeling and put everything for Ariel in a bag I had for her before I threw that over one shoulder, my school bag over the other and took the bigger bag in one hand and went out the house slamming the door after me.

"That…" I threw the things in the back seat of Carole's car before I slumped into the shotgun seat and closed the door after me so Carole could drive. "…Was not an easy thing to do…" I hesitated about what I should say- should I tell her about grandma or grandpa or mum hitting me or…

I couldn't bother to be scolded at again. And why wouldn't Carole do it too.

"Well… We don't have much for food at home so we were going to buy something for takeaway. What kind of food do you like the best? Chinese? McDonald's?"

"I'm not very hungry."

"You have to eat something. And if nothing else, we can put it in the fridge and then heat it up in the microwave later. What would you like the most?"

"I don't know…" I mumbled, as if too tired to even move my lips properly. "…pizza I guess."

"Pizza it is." Carole took a turn to the right. "Now when I think about it. That's the best option because no one in our house has eaten pizza in forever. Now. What do you like on yours?"

"I'll just have whatever you're having please."

As if the energy had ran out so badly I couldn't speak out loud the best pizza with ham and pineapple was the best.

Except for ordering at the restaurant, neither I nor Carole spoke another word on the whole way home, and even during the dinner I picked on a piece of kebab pizza and took a few sips of water before I was finished and only waited for the others to finish so we could leave the table.

"Leah?" Carole spoke my name as I grabbed my bags and was about to go upstairs. "You know you can talk to me about anything, do you?" I nodded. "Well, you'll be lending Kurt's room. I haven't changed the sheets but I'll do it later on. Lex can help you carry the bags and show you where the room is."

I would have wanted to say that if she just told me where new, clean sheets were I could change them myself. But I was too tired and all callous when I turned around to go to "my" room I didn't speak one single word. Not even "thanks"

After leaving my things in what was otherwise Kurt's room I went downstairs. Right there someone had turned on the TV and watched something. I barely even knew what I saw, but when I saw at least it made time pass by.

"There." Carole came downstairs right before she had meant to go to bed. "I put the sheets on Kurt's bed now, we will be going to bed now, I and Burt and Lex. But you can just come and get one of us if you need anything, and if you want something from the fridge or anything then just take it. If you're taking anything we were going to use then we'll just buy new. And I mean it Leah, if there's anything you want. Even if you just want us to sit right next to us because you're lonely you just have to knock on the door. You're not a burden. Was that everything?" I nodded. "Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Lex yawned while she and Burt followed after Carole up the stairs. I was left on my own staring at the TV that I didn't even watch.

It was just that the night was the hardest.

All the while during the day I could be doing something. Eating or watching TV or cleaning or talking to somebody, anything just to make time pass by and keep my concentration away from the most important that was going on.

When I laid down in bed and tried to fall asleep there was nothing and no one else but me, Ariel and my thoughts.

In my dreams Jonah was awake, in my dreams I was running to be able to see him one more time before it was too late. In my dreams one thing after the other happened and stopped me from going and reaching him.

And when I woke up it was already too late.

I gave a sigh, stood up from the couch, turned the TV off and went upstairs where I changed into a pyjamas and then laid down and pulled the quilt over me.

I had been so tired only a few minutes ago that my eyes were closing by themselves, but when I now laid there in bed I couldn't sleep. And knowing what would happen, and where I would be when I started dreaming I at last sat up, reached for my backpack and took out a notebook and a pencil.

Sitting up with my back against the wall and just scrambling I suddenly remembered the conversation I had had with Jonah only the other week. About the birds and about the names and about…

…his name meant dove.

…My name meant lion. And through all my life Jonah had been the strongest one of us, the one who maybe not literally, but could carry me through everything. As lightly as if he hadn't had to lift a finger.

It was as if I had been riding on the wings of a dove and now that dove was gone I suddenly had a picture turning up in my head of a small lion riding on a large dove through towns, through landsides, through sunshine and through storms.

I was barely even thinking about whatever words I could use, suddenly my hand was dancing over the sheet of paper in the notebook in front of me.

Riding on the wings of a dove
I can see everything
Houses, cars and houses in the city
are just passing by
Trees, seas and cabins at the countryside
we're just leaving behind

Riding on the wings of a dove
I can hear everything
hear everything I need to hear
I can hear the flaps of the wings
of the dove beneath me
and I know he carries me

Riding on the wings of a dove
I can control everything
When the hard times comes
With rains, storms and thunder
I can make it go faster
to ride the storm out

Riding on the wings of a dove
I can control everything
When the good times comes
with rainbows and sunshine
I can slow it down
to make the good last longer

After writing four verses of the poem I read it through at least a hundred times. It was a bit strange I would guess. But there was something missing.

And in my head the scenes from the church earlier today started playing. When Moa had gotten up, when Wilson had, when Howie had.

I didn't know quite where the idea of my name and who I was came from. But with the pencil and my hand moving almost on its own I scrabbled down one last verse.

My name is Leah Carmichael
My brother's name means dove
and my life
is like riding on the wings of a dove
Because without Jonah
I'll be falling

I lowered my hand from the notebook but still holding onto the pencil and read through the poem several times. But my eyelids becoming heavier and heavier I at last reached up and laid the notebook and the pencil on the bedside table and then laid down to sleep.

Wrapping the quilt tightly around me I felt so tired my eyes could close by themselves. But as soon as I laid there I was wide awake again and couldn't have fallen asleep for anything in the world.

And then, lying my hands behind my head I turned the nightlight on and looked around the room. Coming in here during the day I had taken a look only to see how big the room was. But not until now I noticed how white everything was or the shelves… empty shelves after Kurt and Blaine had taken the things with them to New York.

I had never realized how much I appreciated having a small bedroom. In this big one there was just so much space that could be left empty.

And then and there, in a bedroom that felt so empty, despite my dog having crawled up next to me well. That was when the tears finally came streaming down my cheeks. Streaming salt and warm down my cheeks and dripping onto the pillow or been wiped away when Ariel wiped my cheeks.

"Oh Ari." I laid a hand on her neck to get support from the fluffy, white fur. "He's really gone… Jonah's really gone. Isn't he?"

I completely broke down and when Ari laid down I buried my face in her thick fur. I could only hope I wouldn't wake the rest of the house up by crying.

But at the same time it was so empty and I wasn't so sure I wanted to be the only one here. Well, the only human that was.

And, as for answering "yes" Ariel gave a small whimper in the middle of licking my cheeks. As if she understood and agreed. Dogs were said to have a way with understanding what we could barely understand ourselves.

And maybe she knew that Jonah would never come back…

Random fact

Well, there you finally have it. The explanation to the title of this story and the verse that became the summary. I hope you liked it even though you couldn't find out until now where it came from.