When I woke up the room was light from the light from the window. It took me a second to remember what had happened, then I felt Ariel's soft fur tickling my arm and hand and saw Carole, sleeping in the arm chair in the corner and everything came back to me.
Jonah's funeral wasn't even twenty-four hours ago but it felt like a week. How I had shouted at my grandma and then leaving for Lex's. And Carole's promise that both I and Ariel could stay at theirs as long as we wanted to.
Then how I had finally broken down after I had gone to bed and how all the crying had made my stomach turn so to the point I had to get sick. And as I sat up finally there was a sour taste in my mouth, a glass and a jug of water standing on the bedside table and an empty bucket standing right by the bed.
With a moan I sat up fully, when I did and Ariel got down from the bed Carole flinched awake and opened her eyes towards me.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" She questioned and rubbed her eyes. "For what?"
"For waking you up and how I acted tonight."
"Don't worry about it." Carole got up on stiff legs from sleeping sitting up. "And do certainly not apologize for it. She came over to me. "Can I take that bucket or are you feeling yucky?"
"'m fine"
"Okay." Carole stroke my hand. "Do you want me to stay?" I shook my head. "You can go back to sleep if you want to. It's only seven o'clock in the morning and Ariel is right here with you."
Carole left the room while I pushed my hand into Ariel's fur and she licked my face. Carole was right, in more than one way and Ariel would be with me every step of the way whether I liked it or not. No matter how rude or ungrateful I was or how much help I needed.
I was disgusted with myself and with how I treated the people I loved!
Still I didn't move where I laid. For more than an hour, until I heard Burt and Lex get out of the bedroom and downstairs, I only laid with my eyes closed and wished more than I ever had before to just fade away.
I couldn't though no matter how much I wished. So at last, after almost two hours there I forced myself to sit up and pulled a Mickey Mouse sweater over my pyjamas until I went down downstairs where Lex sat eating her breakfast.
"Good morning."
"Morning."
I sat right next to her and pulled my knees up and my shirt over them. Not caring that in no time my shirt would break from this I leaned my head against one knee and didn't say anything at all.
"Here." Careful suddenly put a plate of toast and apple sauce in front of me. "And don't you dare say you don't like it. I don't care. You're going to eat that if I'm so going to shove it down your throat myself."
"She's not going to take no for an answer."
I laid my legs down again and pulled my hands out of the sleeves, then carefully ripped a small piece of toast and dipped it in the pool of apple sauce before I pulled it to my mouth, not succeeding with liking it and felt the bite grow in my mouth.
"Lex." I flinched when Carole spoke again. "Stop feeding the dog with your sandwiches. And Leah. Eat! Lex is right. Alexandria Hudmel. What did I tell you? Stop feeding the dog and eat yourself."
Lex started coughing, with one hand she had fed Ariel with pieces of ham and with the other taken a sip.
Carole looked to me, nodded towards her daughter and rolled her eyes in a loving move. She only had to look sternly at me for me to continue eating and finally Lex at hers while still petting Ariel with her other hand, at least until she looked up at me.
"You should hate me, you know."
"Hate you?" Lex looked taken aback. "Why on earth would I hate you? Because if it has something to do with what's going on and then mum staying with you tonight while I slept next to dad… No… I don't get it Leah. Why do you think I should hate you?"
I tried to choose the right words but it took me a second. A little voice in my head told me that if I said this in the wrong way Lex would understand what I was saying and I would get kicked out of this house while Lex and her parents would never want to speak to me again.
"I have family and friends to talk to. I have my parents and my aunt and Wilson and you and everyone. When Maddie died you kind of had no one. And despite that I can't even act gratefully. I shouted at grandma the way she treated me when Jonah was around and then left. What type of a terrible family member is that?"
Lex leaned her head to the side as if to choose her words just as well as I just had.
"We've grown up in two different words Leigh. Neither you nor I could ever change that. I lost Maddie, you lost Jonah- but there is no way to say that one of us is going through something worse than the other. There is also no way to say if a reaction is right or wrong. I've seen you in fear of having to go to your grandma and grandpa's. I've seen Jonah when he talks about them. And yes, I think they did something wrong for you both to look like that…"
I could have started crying right over again, but my eyes and cheeks were dry and instead of crying I couldn't help but to draw a deep sigh.
"Oh… sorry. I didn't mean to sigh like that… I mean I…"
"You're not doing anything wrong Leigh."
"I'm acting like an ungrateful brat."
Lex leaned her head to the side again- she seemed to be doing that a lot when she was thinking, and for a moment my stomach clenched and I was certain she would just agree with me.
"You're acting like someone who is hurting and…" Ariel started whining next to her. "We are going to be there for her aren't we Ari? Oh yes we are." Ariel barked as if she agreed. "See?" I forced a smile. "What are you whining like that for?... I can take her out if you want to. I was just thinking if you don't feel up to it."
I looked down on Ariel who was whining again slightly.
"Yes please Lex." Carole had come into the room and answered before I had the time to. "Lex, take the dog and go for a walk. And Leah, eat your food." I looked down on the bite that I had ripped from the sandwich and realized I had barely even nibbled on it.
For the first time in ages I actually felt hungry too, my stomach screaming for food after barely having eating and then throwing up and emptying it tonight.
"The leash is on a hook in the hallway."
Ariel was my dog and my responsibility, but to be able to sigh one more time and let go of all such responsibilities for just a bit and took another bite from the sandwich.
Still, I flinched when I saw movement outside and then breathed out when it was only Lex and Ariel coming back from their walk.
I needed to come up with something I'd say when or if my parents came here- or anyone else that I knew at home. Every time I heard a car drive by the house that day, and also the day after it was the Sunday and I listened and wondered if it would be my parents and they would come and talk, yell at me for what I had said. Then slap me like mum had done.
But every time the cars we heard kept driving right past and I could breathe out.
Maybe if I knew what to say whenever I spoke to my parents again I wouldn't be so nervous. But I really had no idea. I really had no idea what to say when I said to anyone when I was back in school and needed to talk to anyone but the Hudmel's.
But still, none of the cars pulled over in the driveway and there were no footsteps…
At least not before the weekend was over and I and Lex were back in William McKinley High School's hallways on Monday morning.
"Back to reality."
I gave a deep sigh and to move at all with my hands threw my backpack further up on my shoulder. The school hallway was mostly as it had always been. But I couldn't help but notice people looking at me.
And I couldn't help but notice how empty and lonely it was when Jonah wasn't by my side.
Random fact
I have been working on this chapter for weeks but it took me so long because I kept leaving it because I wanted to write new chapters for "The search for a family" instead.
