I've done this twice before years ago. After I'd been bad with updating I wrote one new chapter for each and every story. Then left it until I had finished them all and updated all stories at once. I've decided to do that same thing again and hopefully that will make a change as of how much I'll be able to update more afterwards… I guess only time will show. I hope you like this chapter.
"I'm sorry for what I said."
I'd said it already before we left the school. Wordlessly I had lead my parents and grandparents to an empty question and well there with the door closed I said the one sentence- I still didn't get how they could have put all of what had happened and how they had acted but I didn't want to fight and I hadn't exactly acted fairly either.
The seconds felt endlessly long while none of us said anything.
"I don't think you know what it's like Leah." Mum said, but she sounded more tired than anything. "To lose a child is literally the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being..."
I would have wanted to yell back at her. Do whatever just to make her feel worse. And then blame her for blaming this all on me and making me feel worse.
"Edna." Grandma interrupted a very long silence. "Look! All of us in here are hurting. In our own ways and we all had different relationships. He was my grandchild, your child, Leah's brother. Jonah was a lot of things. But he was also happy, loving and forgiving… if he knew how we've been acting it would break his heart."
Grandma suddenly lost her breath when she realized what she said there last. Break someone's heart was a metaphor but all of a sudden…
"I have to say I agree with Leah." Dad cut off the awkward silence. "And she is right. The last month and a half has been… strange. But things go on and they will get better of us staying together and keep on doing what Jonah always wanted. That if we would keep walking in different directions… we've barely even spoken to each other for several weeks now."
No one said anything for a long while. No one made as mush as a noise. Outside of the room we heard people chattering but we also heard the front doors to the school and we heard it open and close as people were leaving and the hallway went quieter by the minute.
"I would…" I suddenly started and heard myself saying. But realizing what I was about to say I had to swallow and start over. "I would do anything to trade places with Jonah… We were different and you know it, He was a much better person than I will ever be and he was the type of person that could make a change…"
"How can you even think that Leah?" Mum interrupted. "Do you think I would prefer losing you to losing Jonah? Is this about getting attention and if you say or do the right thing then we'll just forget about Jonah and move on? Like what are you? The martyr who wanted to give her own life for her broth…"
"Edna." Grandma interrupted. "That's enough… Leah. None of us in here would ever want to lose you. We would like for both of you to be here but we could never just choose for one of you to be here. You and Jonah are so different but we love you both equally. And yes. Edna. The worst thing that can ever happen to a human being is for a parent to lose their child. Especially for the mum. And none of us could even imagine what all of this is like for you. But… we can't make it any easier for anyone else nor for ourselves. But we can make it together… Wasn't that what Jonah always said we would? He always knew he was going to… pass away. And he would say that whether we went through that or anything else we were going to stick together."
"Jonah always thought everything was so simple."
"Maybe…" I tried. "Maybe it was just the fact that he knew it wasn't so simple that made him do and say it…"
"Hm…"
Mum didn't answer much and there was just no one who knew what to say. More than two minutes passed by until dad (who had actually been taking the spot in between mum and me in the latest… actually he'd always done that but never mind.) was the first one to speak.
"Don't put all of this on Leah Edna. That's not fair but as you're acting right now you do. And none of what's happening is her fault."
Mum sniveled but didn't say anything. And when she hadn't for several seconds I knew I had to start instead.
There were a few things that people said were the hardest things to say out of all…
"I love you mum." I looked around again, mum, dad, grandma, grandpa… "I love you all."
I turned towards grandma and grandpa. Saying anything that I had said the last few minutes wasn't easy but the memories of what I had told grandma right after Jonah's funeral and knew I had to say it or I would regret it for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry for what I said to you. All of that about you having not cared about me nor Wilson as long as Jonah was still with us."
Mum stepped forward and for a moment I would have expected her to slap me again. She didn't. Actually she did the thing I would have least expected her to and wrapped her arms around me.
"I'm a mum Leah. I love both of my children equally. And nothing any of you ever said or did could change that."
I waited for a second before I had to take a step back and turned to grandma and grandpa instead.
"I'm sorry for what I said to you about… well… you know what!"
Grandma and grandpa looked to each other and my heart beat hard in nervousity while the seconds ticked by as it seemed like years before anyone said anything at all.
"No Leah." Grandma said at last. "We're the ones who should say we're sorry. We've been thinking over and over and over what you said and what it meant… and I talked to Wilson too and I realized that you were right. When you three have been around we haven't cared for you much… and I will regret that for the rest of my life because I it annoyed Jonah and everything and there was so much else we could have accomplished if we just… saw… saw instead of only caring what would be… whatever it would be…"
Silence fell again and at least to me there seemed there was nothing else left to say- at least not for me. And at least not until grandpa said something at last.
"What was it Jonah would say? Praying time?"
"Something like that." Dad answered with a weak smile. "Come."
This wasn't the time for a whole lot of clasped hands- we needed to stick together and all of us knew it like the back of our hands. Dad laid each around my and mum's shoulders, I had one arm around dad's and one arm around grandpa's. Grandpa's had his around me and grandma, and grandma had her arms around grandpa's and mum's. At last we stood in a circle so tight we almost held our heads together in the middle while dad spoke.
"Dear father. We come to you today for our worries about what has been since our dearest Jonah passed away, and what will be in the future. We're asking you to help us be there for each other and for you to be there for each and every one of us in our thoughts, in our tears and pain but also the laughter and happiness Jonah have brought us…"
Dad had to take a break when he almost lost his breath.
"…and we ask you to give us the chance to see it all and stay together through these times. We also pray for you to take care of our Jonah as he comes into your paradise… amen."
"Amen."
"Amen."
"Amen."
"Amen."
When at last, all of us were quiet and took each step back we suddenly heard the room we stood in had gone quiet. And as we left the classroom we also saw that all people that had been here for regionals had left.
"Guys." We heard Mr. Schue's voice as he came down the hallway. "What are you still doing here?"
I remembered back and tried to understand what had just happened…
"We just had to… talk some… But it's okay and… we're going now. Bye."
There were some bread bye's and we turned and started walking down the hallway…
"Leah." I stopped when Mr. Schue called out. "Breadstix. Tomorrow. At five. Be there."
"Sure will." I smirked back but he had already turned. "I…" We once again continued towards the doors. "I was thinking of going to Lex's right away today. I hope all of you will be okay with that."
"Is Lex okay with that?" I nodded at dad's question- at least she had sounded so earlier. "Are her parents okay with that?"
"I would believe some. I'll just text her."
"Well." Dad laid a hand on my back while we were walking. "I think after everything we could need another moment away from each other… so if they say yes, then yes." I stopped by the car. "Well… you'll have to get in first of all. Come on, I'll drive you to her later."
"I think I'd rather walk actually."
I knew very well it was raining and if I wanted to go to Lex's I'd have to pack my things and then go right away but I hadn't been planning anything else anyway.
Coming over in a while if that's okay.
I realized I'd forgotten my jacket in my locker, and by the time I'd gotten it and was back outside the school my family had gone…
Of course that's okay. See you soon.
I smiled slightly and pushed my phone back into my pocket. Then right away felt it buzzing again and pulled it up.
Ice cream buffet tonight?
I couldn't help but laugh slightly. Laughing just felt so much easier after I, mum, dad, grandma and grandpa had been talking.
People would say that I'm sorry, I love you and help me were the three hardest things to say. All who had been said during only minutes behind and it was like a large stone had been lifted off my shoulders. Now to only go to Lex's and get away from them only to think for a moment…
"Daddy… Watch me now, and now, and now…"
I had been far gone into my own thoughts I only woke up from a voice calling from the other side of the street. I turned around curiously to see what the girl had been on about.
What I saw was a dad and two kids. A girl who was dancing along the sidewalk. She might have been six or seven or so and had risen her arms up high before she took a jump, turned a bit, took a few steps right ahead and then did it from the start, she did that again and again.
"Daddy? Daddy are you watching me now?"
I knew I was watching her, when she did her moves over and over and over and I just couldn't stop watching.
"You too Leo. Are you watching?"
The shout for a Leo- her brother it seemed had me turning slightly to her dad, the little boy "Leo" must have been her little brother, three- maybe four years old, he was quiet and walking still on the sidewalk holding his dad's hand.
I just couldn't stop watching the family. I could only hope they wouldn't notice me watching until they turned the corner and disappeared out of my sight.
Then I returned to reality here and now and turned into my street. But still I could see those two in front of me. They seemed so little, so careless and innocent…
I got the feeling that I was supposed to tell someone as soon as possible. That I really wanted to tell someone about the beauty I found only in a little girl dancing along the sidewalk.
"Leah?" Before I had the chance to say anything mum called out for me from the kitchen. "Do you want to eat dinner here at home before you go?"
"No. I and Lex are having a great, big ice cream buffet when I get to hers so I don't want to spoil my appetite with eating actual food before I go there…"
"Ice cream for dinner after everything?"
Okay, so caring now after everything is a good idea.
"Come here Ariel."
I called out for my big, white furrball of a dog and went into my room before anyone else could nag me into something and I didn't want to be resentful anymore.
Quickly I took my backpack when I came into my room and threw a pair of sweatpants, a hoodie, a couple of T-shirts and some other things I would need for a night or two. If I missed anything or ran out I could just as well come back and get it some time when mum didn't want to nag me to eat dinner.
"Leah. Just come into the kitchen now."
I sighed, I had almost made it to the hallway when mum called me from the kitchen- what could I say now?
"I'm going now."
"Can you just come in here for one minute?"
With another sigh I turned, Ariel was in the kitchen anyway…
"What?"
"I just…" Mum started and looked around. "And I think I speak for all of us. But we just wanted to say that we think you did amazingly well today. And we're so proud of you."
I smiled- just like what felt like the millionth time today I just couldn't figure anything to say.
"I… I could never have done it without Jonah. And how he managed to get Mr. Schue and the judges to go through with that video. But… I guess Jonah had a way with getting what he wanted. And then I can't understand how the New Directions managed to keep it secret for me… Literally, all of them… People really can do extraordinary things." I smirked. "Bye…" I left the kitchen before anyone else had the time to interrupt me. "Come on Ari." I took her collar and leash from the hook in the hallway. "It's time to go. SEE YOU."
When I left the house it wasn't with the same heavy lump in my stomach and feeling of not ever wanting to return that I'd have the last weeks.
My steps still felt heavy in some way and next to me something was missing…
"Look at that." I whispered to myself when something caught my eye. "A flower? Right here by the asphalt?"
There really was a flower, growing by the road, small but purple and having made its way up from the sandy ground…
"Jonah liked purple…" I said to myself and only watched it for a few seconds, then turned again and continued again. But as I walked the road down towards the Hudmels' house I knew there was somewhere else I had to go and somewhere else I had to go. So before I got there I took another turn and went towards the church for the first time since Jonah's funeral.
It made my stomach turn once again that after living my whole life knowing my brother could die any die. And now even time had passed by since his funeral…
In the tries to think about something else as I walked I grabbed a branch that was hanging over the road, then let it go so I pulled some of the leaves into my hand. Then held my hand open under me and saw for the first time this year that the leaves had grown on the trees after the winter.
I let go of the leaves again and saw them slowly fall to the ground, watched them pass a purple flower that was coming up on the asphalt in between the gras right next to the asphalt.
And just as I looked up again I saw a squirrel coming jumping up at the road, as it came up on the road right in front of a car I gasped and pictures of the day I was hit by a car flashed by. But in the other second the squirrel had made it over the road and to the other side, where it disappeared safely into the woods.
I wouldn't be sure if I had ever planned to go there. But I found myself stopping by the graveyard- remembering that I actually hadn't been here since the funeral.
I wasn't even sure which spot held a cross with the words "Jonah E. N. Carmichael" on it but somehow I automatically found my way without even thinking about where I was going. And then all of a sudden I was standing by my brother's cross and wondered what on earth I had been planning to do here.
"Hey." I suddenly heard myself saying, beginning at the very point I didn't know. "Look… People say that you come somewhere after you die and that you can still see us… but I'm not so sure. I used to believe in such things but… it's just hard to believe all of a sudden. But I guess that if I didn't believe then I wouldn't even care about to stand here talking to you. You always had a much stronger faith than I do…. But I want to believe. I don't believe that when we die we just lie in the ground and we're just… dead. I do think that when we die it's just the person leaving our body behind… I'm just not so sure what I believe."
And I wasn't so sure who I was talking to- Jonah or myself or anyone. Even myself.
"Well… We won regionals. I guess you'd want to know that. It was nice of you to record that video… I don't know how you talked Mr. Schue- or anyone else for that matter about doing something with it. It ended up beautiful during regionals. And we passed to nationals. But of course people told us we only passed because people pity us."
My stomach just hurt a little bit when I thought that that might actually be true…
"But I don't really care. Because I know we did our best and I know that we did awesome…I would do anything for you to have been with us there on that stage. I know you were and you even made sure that you helped with your singing through that window. God knows how the judges let us to that… but you know what I mean!"
And I knew that if he had been here he would have. Jonah just always had a way with almost reading my mind…
"But. After all competitions and talking to mum and dad and grandma and grandpa… I just know that there will be a whole lot of years before I can say this…. But I have to say it now because right now I'm literally thinking of you every second of the day and while…" I felt a tear run down my cheek. "…I think you know too that that's not any good for me. And thinking of you and being sad all the time isn't…" I lost my breath and suddenly had to stop talking.
I couldn't say anything for several minutes. It was just like the words had gotten stuck somewhere in my throat and I couldn't get the words out.
At least I got it out. But it was only a whisper.
"…It won't make you come back."
Another tear rolled down my cheek and in annoyance I stroke it away with my hand.
"And neither will crying."
I was speaking mostly to myself for the moment when I realized there would have to be one single word said.
But while I turned around and started walking towards the gate I froze and then turned again.
The last time I spoke before I left the graveyard I barely even mouthed one word…
The hardest word of them all.
"Goodbye."
I made a pause, it was like I would have expected the skies to fall down or something but nothing happened. And with that I turned, opened the gate and continued the same road that I'd walked here.
It was first when I walked down the block of the Hudmel's house I noticed it had stopped raining. Then, just as I was on my way to knock on the door the sun reached through the clouds and shined right into my eyes.
"Hey Leah…. And hey Ariel. Anyway. You don't have to knock when you come here. You can just come right in. Oh yes Ari…" Ariel had started barking and jumped up on Lex. "Oh yes. I see you- you're craving attention just like you always do. Anyway Leah. You don't have to take your shoes off because we were thinking that we'll both go and shopping for our ice cream so we'll get everything we all want… Leah? Can you actually hear me?"
When I didn't answer Lex lifted her hand and snapped her fingers right in front of my eyes.
"Hello-oh. Earth to Leah Carmichael."
"I-I…" I was somewhere in between thinking and reality when I started stuttering something.
"You?..."
"I need a pen and paper. And I need a pen and paper exactly right now!"
Random fact
I wasn't thinking about that little boy Leo got almost the same name as Leah. Anyway I decided not to change it. He and his sister aren't important for the story and probably won't be in the story again. But you'll see why I put them into the story in the next chapter and some scenes I have been planning for years. And it's actually what Leah needs a pen and paper for right now.
And… there! The final chapter finished for the-update-all-of-my-stories-at-the-same-time-project. As I'm writing this I don't know how much is left to write of the chapter but I even have chocolate (one piece for every 250 words) so it should be up soon.
And there! Done!
