Pain exploded within, white hot agony fracturing my mind and body in a seizure of anguish beyond expression. As thoughts bellowed wordless in my head, there came a small glimmer of hope. Beneath the pain lancing my guts, a deeper pull began to spread. The pooling embrace of cold beckoned to me, and as alien as it was, I felt the outstretched hand of death more comforting to me now than any joy. It coaxed my soul with a lulling numbness, the promise of reprieve from the deafening roar of my overloaded flesh. Sound thickened, distorting as I submerged, vision growing murky, slipping into the sleep from which none wake.
For all the effort in fleeing this, the peace of it hardly seemed as awful as I'd imagined.
At last, the guilt, the grief could not touch me any-more.
Fading into the dark behind the stars.
Nothing now…
But not the end.
Not the promised end.
Breaching the surface, crashing to consciousness in a convulsion of wheezing breaths. The memory of that parting pain seared fresh in my mind, clear and unmistakable. Yet, my body was not reciprocating, the puppet no longer strung out by the throes of panic and hurt. The memory of breathing remained only that- breathing now didn't feel like breathing at all.
Oh… oh shit.
I, was this real? I scrabbled, felt the body about me, grasped the weight but, but if I was- how could I know?!
Ok just, just calm down.
This feels real, but maybe it isn't?
Maybe this is just my mind in free-fall, I'm just waiting to slip off…
but I, I gave in, I let go to the emptiness!
Where was I!?
Through wide eyes darting, bleary forms shifted into focus. It looked like, like somewhere inside, so there were dimensions, and dark, but a captive dark, not the invasive noiseless oblivion but, familiar dark? Like coming back to a house I'd lived in as a child.
You didn't forget the way the air hung about the walls.
But greeting me, sombre hue and esoterica, angular carpentry that accentuated corners to nigh gothic levels, where shadows took life in the chasms between the carpentry, magenta candles aligned in rows above. Straight out a horror film,wait how could I know that? How could my mind be that collected?
Why was I not panicking like before? I couldn't feel my heart, but why was I so calm about this?
The usual pounding adrenaline nowhere to be found...even now it was hard to resist alighting on the soft chairs I could make out on the other side of the room. No sign of disuse, no scent of the usual musk in a place of disrepair. Had to find out where I was, had to get out.
"My my my, oh what have we here?"
A voice, smooth as honeyed wine, rippled out of the silence. It slid down my spine and raised hairs at the nape of my neck with disarming ease.
"A new arrival to these halls? A fresh, mmm, playmate, perchance?"
The lilting, playful eloquence clung to every syllable, dredging up waves of fear from the core of my being. I felt like a human kaleidoscope, patterns of feelings ebbing and flowing into one another as a fought myself- what was this, fear, or, or curiosity?
Disorientated, disarmed, disassociated, couldn't tell, ah not for now too much, focus on the certain, the rest will follow.
The voice was real to me, but the mind could play tricks in fatal delirium. None of this was normal, I was waking up to things I'd never seen or felt.
"Wh- who's there?" My reply ushered out before I could stop it. Had I always sounded like that? The tremulous lightness, the weak, dry vibrations- it sounded so weak, so afraid so, exposed.
I could feel the clothes I had been wearing, or that's what my senses told me I felt.
"Hoo hoo hoo." The throaty chuckle lingered everywhere, unsettlingly close yet bathing the room with its heaviness, oppressive as the wet heat of a tropical jungle.
"You don't re-call?"
I tensed my jaw shut, clamping down as the urge to respond danced in my throat. The silence spoke volumes in my stead.
"You dooo dear! Every. One. Does-ah." The flamboyant trill of each emphasis. Nobody spoke like that, the affectations too passionate, unreserved. Predators played with prey, but this? The lion wasn't lying down with the lamb, the lion was rolling over and acting like a kitten because it knew it could. I really didn't want to know who owned the voice.
"Ah, but how improper of me, getting ahead of myself when there's a guest to be greeted."
It chided, and the fear that'd been absent came rushing back. I stood, fighting the urge to run. Fighting the urge to stay. But if there was one thing that might save me- talkers liked to talk, especially ones who enjoyed the sound of their own voice.
"Forgive me the intrusion, I didn't intend to come in unannounced." I managed, steadying the tremor beneath my spiel. "This place is your home?"
"Oh no no, not quite, but we can chat at length now that your here. I get the distinct impression you might be staying a while."
The air pulsed as light emerged in the centre of the room, illuminating the misty purple haze which rolled around my ankles in lavender and pink hues, washing across the surround. Finally showing me where I found myself.
This had the look of an antechamber, a room between rooms for receiving guests, decked out in grandeur from many different periods- renaissance, enlightenment, modern, a fabulous patchwork of finery. The chairs upholstery looked newly stitched by hand, and not a speck of dust despite how old a lot of this must be. Only then did I noticed the light pool towards its centre, the emanation coming to rest upon the its source, as an outline took form and stepped out from the glow. This was my first mistake, because once I looked, I couldn't tear my gaze from the creature in front of me.
It had slender contours to its long body, the svelte limbs melting into its torso adorned in a white shirt half-way buttoned, from which dark plumage sprang in a boutiquey. Across its torso was a Parisian-style lace corset, as black as the long leather skin-tights beneath which gripped and accentuated its legs, which bent like a bird at the joint and ended in taloned claws. The face, porcelain white amidst an excessive swathe of flowing umber hair, adorned two slitted, lilac eyes.
The stuff that nightmares feared to invent.
"What's the matter, never seen anything like me before? Its rude to stare you know." it crooned, beaked mouth contorted between a sneer and a grin. Any facade I might muster had fallen at such a bewildering sight, couldn't save face against something this inhuman. Trading words was my only recourse, but I couldn't save face with any which sprang to mind.
"Well?" The avian chimera twirled coyly, basking in the attention. "Take your fill dear, I never grow tired of being stunning, ah but come to think of it, let me take a better look at you". Unnervingly swift, its legs drifted with the poise of a ballet dancer as it drew close, sauntering with greedy eyes piercing through every part of me. I'd never been visually undressed so blatantly and hungrily before, it felt emasculating, but I resisted the urge to shrink away- weakness was not an option when already on the back foot.
"Sorry, I'm sure you get that a lot." I forced out detachedly.
"Hmmm yes, I do have that effect on people."It ran a clawed hand through its voluminous fount of hair in some macabre imitation of a shampoo advert. I tried to keep on track.
"Your name? I don't think I caught it?"
"I" It flourished an ebony arm in a dramatic fashion. "I am Salexi Rabane, temptation is my game and depravity's my middle name." The announcement sounded so natural, but I bit down hard to resist laughing at the absurdity of the situation. If this was where I hoped it wasn't, this was one hell of a weird way to start. The crimson eyes returned to scrutinise me, and I met the gaze as coldly as I could. "Whom do I have the delight in addressing-ah?"
Names held power. Disregarding anything else I might assume, that had to have some basis of truth- but this Salexi had no care or concern in revealing theirs. Had to risk it, lies would only backfire later and deflection wouldn't work if I didn't answer. Still, on such unequal fielding, half-truths might do.
"Peter."
"My, such a lovely name Peter, although" Salexi pouted with mock pity "now your here, that name isn't worth as much as it was is it?" The confusion skittered across my brow, but my resolve remained, even if it meant playing dumb.
"Here?" Salexi smiled, a little too wide for comfort.
"Oh no no dear, this isn't where you think it is- more like an offshoot, in between the cracks."
"Purgatory?" The smile widened even further, and a hum of amusement rumbled deep in its throat.
"Hmmm guess again- oh this is fun." A razor thin eyebrow quirked in my direction "ooor, perhaps I can spoil the suspense and give you what you want? If you promise to be good and not-ah. Run-ah. Away-ah. Like I know your thinking of doing."
It was getting harder and harder to break that hypnotic gaze, it pulled you in until nothing else felt like it mattered. I knew this, but still played into its trap, this was a dangerous creature, what I saw now might just be a guise- but they knew that I that.
"If this is" I began, weighing my words as slowly as I dared "connected to...the bad place for bad people, where else would I go? Kind of redundant now anyway." The eyes didn't blink, and as they bore into me, leering at my attempts to hide the welling distress mounting in my heart, I cracked, just for a moment, spilling a fraction of vulnerability through my countenance.
"Mmmm as you say, but let me clear your doubts dear. This isn't hell, but you certainly were there. But, there's something else, and just now you proved it with that delightful slip-up."
There was a growing undercurrent creeping into Salexi's remarks that I couldn't place- or didn't want to. They waited, watching as I floundered internally in the pause.
"Or haven't you realised it yet?"
They reached out a claw, softly tickling the underside of my throat and I made my next mistake, but I, I couldn't, my body moved as if on automatic, sprawling back awkwardly, catching myself on the corned of one of the chairs to steady my balance. There was a leaden heaviness growing in my chest, like the acidic twist of strong liquor staining my insides.
"You feel right being here, a part of you is home here. Only those with desires like yours get to come here, to play with meeee." Salexi cooed with frightening warmth, sounding so earnest despite the twisted warble.
"But, you brought me here?"
"Indirectly. I don't stalk souls, at least anymore."The undercurrent swelled again, barely restrained in its chaotic mirth. "Quality over quantity pearls before swine, although I do like getting down in the mud. No, this domain does the fishing for me."
"So you have your house kidnap people? Because your bored? In a place with so much to entertain you?"
Salexi exuded the smug satisfaction of being in on a personal joke.
"Don't you feel so special? Oh, but your a little off the mark dear. I don't do it because I'm bored." They fixed me with a look dripping in wolfish glee. "I do it because I'm-"
I didn't let them finish.
As fast as I could manage, I turned a made for the nearest set of doors. Not two steps, and I felt a claw clasp my wrist with the soft squeeze of a serpent's coil. Too firm to wriggle free from, to loose to simply break.
"Ah there it is, no no my dear, I'd advise against that. If you run, I'll take it as read that you want to be chased. You know, only food runs." They were still so cheerful, so gentle, even when they spoke threats. "Besides, if you want to go, you only have to say so, and I'll show you the way- you'd get awfully lost in here, sometimes even I can't keep track of where things go."
"You'd let me go, after bringing me here?" Salexi exhaled delicately. "Of course, your not a prisoner- unless you want to be. Tell you what, sit with me for a bit and let me tell you what I really do, then if you still want to leave, I'll let you out personally." This was a dangerous offer, but they were right, what did I have to lose. I relented, and Salexi released my arm, offering me one of the luxurious chairs. It was a really nice upholstery, deep mauve and very inviting, but I sat attentively, afraid to relax into the embrace. Salexi seated themselves in an adjacent chair, crossing one taloned leg over the over and letting their weight melt into the cushions.
"Now, firstly, you went to hell. I don't know why and I don't judge, but there was something in you, some need or want, that ran so strong in your being it caught the attention of this place. Like me."
I couldn't help the gnawing curiosity itching at the edges of my still fearful heart.
"Your, you were human?"
"Once upon a time. Before I got reassigned into something with a bit more flair." They gesticulated at their lithe frame, "Have you ever heard... of the djinni from hell?"
"You grant wishes?" Salexi practically squirmed at the word.
"Oh yessss dear, that's the fun part. All I do is make dreams come true, but I'm a bit more than just a djinn. There's no limit, no cost, only more of what you want. That's the part about hell the don't really discuss- the demon's don't make people do anything, they just bring out what's already there. But all I want, is for you to want, and to have whatever you want."
"Then, the people that come here…" the dots began to join up "they always want more, and you'll give them anything"
"What could anyone possible want for except more than what they have?" Salexi sighed, closing their eyes momentarily in bliss at the thought. "New pleasures, new sensations, doesn't matter how or why, or if you should, if you can, why not indulge?"
For the first time since meeting this, strange, seductive being, I began to relax, if only to have some rest from the roving uncertainty. Tempted to sit for a while.
Tempted.
I caught myself, but it took everything in me to fight, it was so wearying, just the proximity to this being sapped any restraint, got you second guessing yourself. But, how would it feel to be like that, to be the embodiment of temptations.
"Must be lonely." I spoke it almost to myself, yet loud enough that Salexi heard. The effect was immediate, as if something stirred and uncoiled deep within the slight frame that let me see more of what had always been there, but had remained beyond my scope to see.
"Addictions can consume you, but its a fun trip whilst it lasts. I am those addictions, those whims, those dark unspoken wants. But allow me to pull back the curtain a little sweetie. No-one, no-one in hell craves as much as I- and I've met so real needy souls, so desperate to fill the void that they'd give themselves over to indulgence utterly.
If I know anything about humans in all the countless eras I've been here, their hunger for more never ceases." They tilted their head toward me, a storm of hunger raging beneath the empty pools that drew me in. "You have not known what true desire is, unfettered and pure."
"What of love?" I had been drawn into this game of ideals, but if temptation was to be the game, I would play it to my advantage to draw it out.
"You think love is greater than temptation? They're two sides of the same thing honey." Salexi pooled its claws in a heart shape with a smirk. "Why do you think so many people mistake one for the other?"
"Love isn't addiction. Love is enough. Indulgence isn't. I never knew much, but I learned enough to know the difference." Perhaps I was getting to personal with this, but whatever memory I had of the pain, the guilt that I wanted to leave behind, it kept me in check. It always had.
"Ohhhh, and you think that's enough, now your here? You think love reaches this far?" A wicked gleam shone in Salexi's eyes, the beak pursing in horrid triumph at the rebuttal. "It'd take the patience of a saint to endure long enough to find out, and your just. Like. Me. I can sense the depravity in you, the hunger that never ends. What could you possibly feed it with except indulgence?"
"Why do I need to feed it?" The gleam dimmed, but just a little.
"What? You'd risk the pain of eternal torment, the hunger that you can never satisfy? You think your that strong? You think you can resist ME?" The room echoed with its deep, gutteral laughter.
"Respectfully, I don't go for men." Salexi snorted out a stifled giggle.
"Oh sweetie, I'm more than that. Best of both, front and back." They ran their claws down their body to their hips, rising from the chair and posing with an air of undeniable sensuality.
"So what? Is beauty all you have?" It was a risky move, but it was a genuine query. Something swam across that face, an undecided feeling. They broke into a childish smirk.
"Your playing my tune now. Oh yes, resist me more, its so good, degrade me, come on. However you move you can't resist, I can't wait to see what you try!" They leant back, perverted glee swimming in their eyes. "We'll see who really takes charge of their temptations. You can be open with me, nothing is off limits."
"What do you know about, well, the big man downstairs?" The question broke Salexi's train of thought, you could almost see the disappointed hitch of breath as they sat back down.
"Oh, so knowledge floats your boat? How very Faustian of you."
"So you know the play then?"
"Honey, I knew the man. Silly boy, lacked imagination."
"Maybe he didn't ask the right questions?"
"Depends what answers he wanted- you know what they say about a little knowledge."
Salexi taunted, wagging a long claw as if they were speaking to a child.
Good. As long as they underestimated me, there was a way to play without playing.
"So, what's the literal devil like?"
"Oh, words couldn't do justice to my Master-."
"Did he make hell?"
"He made a heaven from hell."
"So Milton and Virgil weren't on the money then?"
"Artistic licence is an awwwful bitch isn't it? Hmmm but really, what would you expect? Imagination is the most potent of all temptations."
"So did he make this place?"
"Ahhh, well he made me this lovely little estate, but what lies beyond- well nobody can make something out of nothing."Salexi paused to, seemingly, conjure out of thin air a long pipe, before proffering it in my direction.
"Care for a little smoke?" Before I could reply, they took in a long drag, puffing a scented cloud of incense that smothered me. The warm, rich odour had jasmine and pine, but beyond that the subtleties escaped me, the dryness tickling at the back of the throat. Was this real sensation, or just mimicry?
"Then what is hell for?"
"The damned."
"Who are the damned?"
"All who do not go to heaven."
"Who go to heaven?"
"The ones who are chosen."
"How are they chosen, by what metric?" Salexi took another sip of smoke.
"How do you think?" So began the counterplay.
"How much they have sacrificed?"
"How much sacrifice is enough then?"
"I don't know, probably varies."
"You think it can be bought?"
"It'd make too much sense." I muttered coyly. Hopefully they took the bait.
"See, no harm in letting your hair down." Salexi cooed sweetly, "but your sensible of course, no amount of anything gets you in. I have my own notion if you'll forgive some speculation."
"So then you don't know either."
"Who really knows anything for sure sweetie? You can only surmise, but personally, it seems to be to each according to some thing, some task that needs to be achieved, a hidden personal condition to be fulfilled." I sat up inquisitively.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well if we're assuming people are let in for a reason, but that reason is beyond comprehension, we can at least understand it conceptually. But really, is heaven all that great anyway? Here in hell, your basically free, no laws, only consequences."
"How is that freedom?"
"You want more than that?" That query brought a fearful pause.
"Isn't that what everyone wants? More of what they can't have?"
"The hunger you can't sate but always seek to feed."
"Freedom isn't always about power."
"You think so? How can you be free except with power over what imprisons you?"
"If we can't know anything for sure, then maybe we aren't trapped, maybe we're free to choose, I mean, we do that in life, why not after-life." Salexi sighed with mock disappointment.
"Clever you, that's still use of power."
"Power is in the choice is it not?"
"Yet you are here." They fixed me with a pointed gaze. "You have the power to leave, and I have the power to stop you." It was spoken as if factual. "It is because I have that power to stop you that I can let you choose to go. Sound familiar?"
I stopped still, mind upturned.
"Free will?"
"Free will. Consequence has to be there, only natural, but that's all at ever is, right? I wouldn't be surprised if heaven not only sets specific goals for people, but changes them say, at will, so to speak. But you know the funny part?" Salexi teased, setting the pipe down.
"As you said at the start of our little rendezvous, why would anyone want to leave even if they could?"
"So, it doesn't matter what we choose, only that we struggle with the choice?"
Salexi picked up the pipe again, inspecting it momentarily.
"Quite, and that, my dear, seems to be hell- in a nutshell." They took another sip.
I tried to keep calm, but the blow had doubled me over inside. So easily shaken, Salexi would notice, had noticed. This was just salting the meat. I pulled a wry face, a silly thought overtaking me.
"So what happens if you die here? Is there another hell?"
