If I could have one wish magically granted to me now, I would wish to not have existed at all. I am not suicidal, nor am I a nihilist, and it is perhaps that which makes this a tougher reality to embrace. Despite my delirious aspirations for the future, I know I will not have the sufficient time to realize them. Today, at my still juvenile age, I require a cane for basic movement, and I don't give it more than a few years before my legs eventually lose all significant functionality. I really do not want to die, in spite of it being more than a guarantee, and yet I would not wish to keep on living as this. I find myself in a difficult position, treading along the line of living out the rest of my short and gradually deteriorating life, or dying an undignified death now, leaving my parents devoid of their only child and in a perpetual state of anguish. Everybody around encourages me to live my life to its fullest potential, to do the most with my life despite my crippling condition. They present themselves to me with an unbudging expression of joy and positivity, but I know that is merely a facade that they or their adherence to the rules of the ethics mandate for me, the stumbling rot. Again, I am not a nihilist for this - everybody knows what is going to happen, everybody knows I am going to die. One of the nation's most academically achieved minds will be dead in a few years, and all they'll be remembered for will be the manner in which they pitifully corroded until they were finally released from the constant pain that was their life. I can't take public transportation anymore, partly because the school day would be practically over by the time I waddled there, and partly because commuters aren't particularly keen on being inconvenienced by a cripple in the fast life of one of this country's biggest cities. Once my dad goes out of his way to drive his helpless child to school, risking punctuality in a society where it's essentially comparable to death, I walk into a classroom in which I am greeted with the same old repulsive and overbearing tenderness from my instructors and peers before I am able to perform my academic work as if nothing were actually wrong with me. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that that point of the day is the one at which I feel the most at peace, since it only demands effort from the only pristine organ remaining in my body: my mind. Sitting there, absorbing and reciprocating knowledge, is one of the happiest things I am still able to do without the restriction imposed by my illness; it is where I am still able to be me. Following the succession of my classes, I am once again routinely requested by my academic advisor to prepare for the inevitable moment in which I am no longer able to continue attending physical classes and have to continue my education from my room, a room I suspect I will rarely get to leave because of the overwhelming ache I will feel then. I don't have it in my heart to tell her, but perhaps it would be better to drop me altogether. After all, taking remote classes will only hamper my academic opportunities in the near future, if I am even able to pursue them by that point. I guess I just don't see much purpose left in my life anymore. If I choose to keep living, my parents will be continuously bombarded by medical complications on my part and their precious time will need to be allocated for their increasingly problematic child that will leave nothing and inevitably die. On the other hand, my abrupt and untimely suicide would likely leave them with an even greater sense of unfulfillment, devastation, and perhaps even resentment. To put it lightly, my death would be senseless. Nothing worthwhile would be achieved as a product of my passing, even if it is my preferred option. If I am to die, I need to die with a purpose.
Note from the author:
Hello, this is my second work relating to Death Note, but is not related to the last one I made. I intend to continue this story, and will be updating it occasionally. If you like this style of writing, do consider reading my previous work "To a New World", I believe you may enjoy it. As always, advice to improve my style or ideas for the continuation of this project are always welcome.
