Chapter 33
Nÿr, Queen of Ered Luin, usually had peaceful nights after long days of duties and family, but tonight wasn't one of them. Her sleep was disturbed by a recurring dream. The recurring dream—and she was aware of that even as she was unable to wake herself from it.
Early morning light, snow, and a chaotic scramble as an entire horde of vile goblins swarm around them, the air full of grunts, growling, and the sound of metal on metal.
She keeps trying to reach Kirin, trying to crawl over corpses and through blood... She pulls him quickly beneath the narrow space under a skid, her arms around him, shielding the lad with her body.
Then they overturn the skid. A goblin gropes about, his crooked, clawed hands looking for proof of her gender by grasping at her breasts.
She loses her grip on Kirin, sees his face as they pull him away. She can feel the goblin's claws on her skin, his maleness on her skin, his breath on her skin…but she struggles to find Kirin—and where are Sorin and Lis?
She wants to help her son, but when she reaches for him, it's not Kirin—it's Lis, and on the ground, Skirfir lies gutted in the snow.
Her instinct to protect her child flares, she reaches for a lance abandoned on the ground, gets one hand around it and twists within the goblin's grip, breaking free. Her fury is in complete control as she spins the lance in her hand and thrusts upward into the goblin's gut, aiming for its vile heart.
And then she woke, sitting up, to cold air and a dimly lit, silent room. Not on a battlefield. Her opulent room in the family quarters of Khelethur.
Her heart is racing and she heaves for breath.
Beside her, someone moves and the light becomes a little brighter.
She looks at Kili, her beloved, his hair mussed from sleep. He sits up, gently reaches for her hand, and regards her. It is not judgment. It is a serious, calm empathy.
Kili lets her be. Waiting. He knows this nightmare, that she has faced goblins in battle before. He knows she killed one that came after Fili's young son Fjalar all those years ago, and then she saw it strike Skirfir instead.
He also knows that nightmares twist memory into more frightening versions of the actual events, playing on a warrior's fears.
He watches Nÿr cover her face with her hands and shake her head. "This time, it was Kirin they had instead of Fjalar…" She rubs her eyes as if trying to erase the image. "It's not what really happened. It's just my dream brain…"
He nods. Waits.
Finally, Nÿr turns to him, wanting the warmth of his embrace. He is still cautious about touching her when the nightmares come. But he is reassured that she wants his touch. It is a pattern with each other over the years…to fill each other's mind with the scent, the feel of warm hands, the comfort of each other and no one else. Those things chase the twisted nightmares away better than anything.
"It always ends with me wanting to kill. And it's so strong…even though I'm a healer."
"Shhh." His arms are around her and he kisses her forehead. "You're a mother," he murmurs. "And we both know parents will go insane to protect their children. Believe me…"
But Nÿr. interrupts him before he can say it. "You've seen the kindest old granny go after a goblin with a fireplace poker to protect a child."
"It's our dwarfy nature, sweetheart."
He watches her take a deep, slow breath and close her eyes.
"Nothing has changed since all those years go with Fjalar, and then Lofn…remember?" he murmurs. "Your instinct to protect is probably even stronger now. And you know I'd go insane."
"You're a warrior."
He snorts. "I'm a dwarf. The instinct to protect our family would over-ride my training in about two seconds. Fili nearly whacked off a lord's head just for threatening his children. Tell me THAT wasn't a hasty reaction."
She lets herself relax against his chest. "Keep going," she murmurs.
Kili nods and repeats the words he's used before so her mind can refocus.
"It is the same for you, Nÿr. Healers are warriors, too. We all fight death. That's something Thorin taught me."
"Hmmm?"
"Good warriors don't aim to kill, they aim to stay alive and keep their brothers-in-arms alive. Killing the enemy is just one way to do that."
They are silent. He knows she is listening to his heart beat. It calms her, and soon her breathing slows in sync with his.
When she speaks again, her words are quiet. "I never understand why the nightmares don't just go away. I've never been hurt in battle, and it's all over so quickly, really."
"There are no unwounded warriors, Nÿr. You know this includes you."
She is quiet, thinking. He knows healers always look at physical wounds and count the lack as a good thing.
"The nightmares just mean you survived," he adds, reaching over to turn the lamp low again. He moves to stretch out in the bed they share, and she moves with him, welcoming the arm that pulls her close.
"How do you keep doing it?"
He doesn't answer at first. "I hope that it is almost over…that the evils of the past are nearly gone."
She raises her head to look at him. "Do you really think so?"
He snorts. "Hoping and thinking aren't the same, love."
She settles against him again.
"Make peace with yourself, sweetheart. We both know you wouldn't normally harm another living thing. But you'd kill a goblin if it harmed a child. Have," he corrects. "Killed a goblin. Several, in fact. Acknowledge that again and the nightmares have less power."
"I would kill a goblin," she murmurs.
He makes a noise somewhere between agreement and a grunt. "And I will not judge. You are who you are, Daughter of Durin. You have my love, no matter what."
The tension in her spine seems to vanish. If he says more, she wouldn't hear it.
And neither of them wakes again until morning.
.
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I hope the glitches with FFIC notifications are fixed...thank you for finding this chapter and reading along...as awlays, feel free to add a review or send a PM...feedback is always welcome. Hand on heart to you - Summer.
