"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'..."

Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.

Of course, Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...

Part II...

"Day 23 on my liferaft..." Drebbin wrote in logbook. "Alone since Professor Jones was eaten by a really giant shark, something out of those sharkanado movies. And so, alone, I'm struggling to survive..." Pours glass of fine wine, cuts piece of filet mignon just cooked on portable stove. "I'm still able to hold out as far as food, water, delightful main courses, elegant side dishes..." takes another spoonful of carrots julienne and mashed potato with truffles and Gruyere... "And fancy desserts go...Though I am a bit worried about gout. My main concern now, is my sanity, floating out here alone...Apart from the occasional fear of storms and those humongous sharks. Though I'm anxious about what may be happening with Crumpf and his minions at their Nazi island lair, assuming Professor Jones was right and somehow Crumpf survived being stuffed into a tiny airplane window at 30000 feet, ala Goldfinger. But my deeper anxiety is for my poor beloved wife, Jane, comatose for months at LA General, due to an unfortunate but unavoidable accident."

...

Cut to shot of retired Frank happily installing a kitchen light, months ago, at home, and a beaming Jane, pleased to see him so happily busy, given him finding retirement a bit dull, she turning it on, to be shocked far worse, with the hair standing on end and smoke rising from her, than by the taser shortly to be used on her when she staggers numbly into the front yard, like a zombie, mumbling incoherently, and the police, summoned by Frank along with EMTs, can't think of anything better to do than shock her again, assuming she was either one of those mental patients the police are usually shooting on the news or, in fact, a zombie...Cause one had been watching a "Walking Dead" marathron earlier.

The combined effects having left her in a comatose state for months...Though Drebbin's accidental occasional unplugging of her life support when visiting, plus the tendency of the perverted Bevis/Butthead orderlies on the hospital night shift to repeatedly unplug her for fun... "Heh, heh...Lets see if she goes all 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' memory-blank vegetable." "Heh, heh...Heh, heh." Hadn't helped. "Dude, ya wanna have sex with her? She's like total cat...Catatonic, yeah. Heh, heh, heh, heh." "Dude, gross...She's old enough to be my mom. And the floor nurse is coming on her rounds, c'mon, we'll get canned or worse."

...

"My only hope..." Drebbin continues... "Is that my navigational calculations are correct and with a few careful rows and the Pacific currents at this time of year, I'll be in San Diego in five days."

Five days later...

"Well, guess that didn't work out...Which makes sense since I have no training in navigation or sailing." Drebbin writes, carefully sauteing some sea bass in skillet. "But I'm confident I can keep my sanity till rescue."

"I'm sure you can..." a porpoise pokes its snout up. "I have faith in you, Frank Drebbin."

"I say he's already losing it. Look at him hearing marine mammals talk." A killer whale pokes up. "We eat well tonight in my pride. Heh, heh, heh. Hey, circle of life, pal. But toss me a piece of that sea bass and I'll see it's quick."

...

Meanwhile, back in LA...At LA General...

The rather stunning forty-something very Jeri Ryanish, Edna Hocken at Jane's bedside...Seated by her, earnestly talking...

"I've missed you so, Jane." Edna, sighing to the comatose Jane. "No one understands me like you. I have no one else, not even my beloved Ed whom I can confide in as to the true nature of my condition...Why I can't control my sudden rages and what people tell me is my continuous promiscuity, despite my deep and enduring love for..."

Sudden change of demeanor, cruel sneer and curl of lip... "That stupid, worthless, fat pathetic fool...And you..." dark glare. "You, pathetic, brain-dead, sad sack of guts...I'd suspect you were sleeping with him if I didn't know you were a brain-dead wuss. Though you probably are, aren't you? Aren't you?!" takes pillow and covers Jane's comatose mouth. "Die, you adulteress scum! Then I can sleep with your husband when he gets home!...Oh, no..." suddenly recovering, she pulls pillow back. Hand on mouth...

"Oh, what's wrong with me? Ok, yes, I kinda know. But I thought those pills were helping. Oh, Jane..." weeping. "Forgive me. But I can't let Ed learn the nature of my condition. He'd move Heaven and Earth to save me and ruin himself and our and my children, when it's...Hopeless."

Cut to shot of Edna, in sedate dress, eight years ago, sadly walking from cut of hospital office to cut of next hospital office, set to grim music...

"The tumor's inoperable, Mrs. Hocken. You have two, maybe five, maybe more years, given you're in good shape, who knows? But my outside ballpark? Maybe ten. And your brain'll be mush long before that." Doctor's voice.

"We could try surgery...But it will cost everything you and your husband have, with no real promise of success. But hey, we'll gladly take all your dough and property." Other doctor's voice as she leaves another office.

"My miracle cure would have worked if you had the right karma and spiritual energy..." Another. "But, the spirits say you're doomed. That'll be two thousand dollars..." Another voice.

"Mrs. Hocken, as the disease progresses, you should be prepared for serious behavioral change...Wait, what are you...Oh, my GGGoooddd! Why...Sure, that'll cover the bill, if you come, every day. Yes, I mean, come." The specialist notes from within his office, door closed. Nurse in outer office, staring to door.

"Oh, baby use the whip! But no, Mrs. Hocken, I can't offer you any hope!" another specialist behind locked office door.

"Look, Edna, this was great, and a real shame you're gonna croak, but no way am I doing brain surgery for free, honey. Hey, put that gun down! Nooooo!" yet another...

...

Back to present, in Jane's hospital room...

"As I confided in you...After your little accident." Edna continued. "The drugs that neurologist and some guys on Youtube prescribed, only worked for a while. Once again, I'm having these awful bizarre changes I can barely remember, in behavior, mood swings, awful PMS, I think, even, promiscuity...At least from the cards and phone messages...And which would explain why I'm pregnant now, again...Even though Ed says we've not had unprotected sex in two years, and I'd been starting menopause when all this started. And ironically, I'm even better looking these days despite my brain steadily turning to mush. Which is why the guys are still quite willing to do me even when I'm vomiting up a storm or threatening to whip them to death or call their wives. Or so their messages and cards and occasional personal hysterical pleas to stop blackmailing them suggest. And Jane, I can't even remember the terrible things I do when I'm in the Hydelike grip of my illness. Though I do think the sex is hot. Ed says I'm fantastic these days, though I was always pretty good." Sigh. "And here I am, pregnant possibly with yet another man's child. And I don't even remember who he was...Though I think the sex was hot? Oh, Jane. If I wasn't afraid I'd end up doing him, I'd consult the guy who now stands in for Dr. Kevorkian. Or go to Amsterdam...Where euthanasia is legal..." Ohhhh...Groan.

"And the guys are sooo hot...Drugs everywhere...Bye, stone cold dead girl, I'm getting' me some...Dutch." She rises, lewd look.

"Everything ok with the patient?" Handsome young doctor enters.

Uh-oh... He recognizes Edna...

I mean...What we had...Did in the closet two months ago, before I recommended my pal Bernie the neurologist to her, and he prescribed some drugs to help control her behavior...Was hot but really serious ethical issues here.

If I cared that much, though I'd really hate to get caught...

"Hey, lover..." lewd tone, she slinking towards him.

"Excuse me, doctor? Have we met?" she asked, suddenly calming.

"Uh...Probably not. I'm Mrs. Drebbins' new attending physician, Dr..."

"I know you..." Sudden dark look, "You want to forget me, eh? I...Embarrass you, eh? Eh?! Used me and now afraid the medical profession will come down on you, eh? Well..." takes plastic knife from tray... "I'll save you from any further embarrassment, doc. Resistance, baby, is...Fut..."

"Doctor?" she blinked at his fearful face...Then at the knife in her hand. "Oh, no..." drops knife. "Do we know each other?" she asked, curious.

"Uh...No, no." he shakes head as the Captain enters.

"Edna." He eyes her.

"Ed, honey!" beaming as she hurries to him. "Were you able to get the kids to swim camp on time and Susie to her summer class train?"

"Oh, yeah. Hey, doc? How's the patient?" he regards the doctor who has managed a degree of recovered calm.

Uh...The doctor eyed Edna who gave him pleasant look.

"Mrs. Drebbin..." Hocken noted, frowning slightly.

"Right. No change. Fine. But no change." The doctor notes. "I'll be back in a bit." He leaves, hurriedly.

"Dickhead..." Edna glares. "So..." she eyes Hocken, approaching him. "You prepared to act like a man for once, and do us both right here, right now?" lewd stare.

"Edna?"

"What, dear?" she beams. "I think Jane is a little better. She seemed to enjoy my company, though I do tend to prattle on when alone with her." What can ya do shrug.

"Edna, are you all right?" Hocken stared.

"Oh, just fine. Come and sit with us a bit." Warm smile. "Have you eaten today, Ed? I'd bet you haven't. You need to take better care of yourself, my darling."

"Well...I was a little busy, trying to see if there's been any word of Frank, as well as seeing to the kids..."

Edna distressed look, waving hands...Glance to Jane.

Oh right, we don't say anything about Frank's tragic demi...I mean, disappearance, of course. Cause till we know for sure, no news is good...

Sudden dark look from Edna...

"Have they found that idiot ex-partner of yours who turned me down constantly, the pathetic fool...?" dark glare... "Floating face down, half shark eaten, yet?" sneer.

"Edna?"

"You think this isn't yours?" she sneered, indicating her condition. "And you're probably right, you aren't man enough to put one in me. I'd bet none of my kids are yours, loser. I should go and find a real man."

"Edna..." grim tone. "I think..."

"What would you like, honey? I'm a bit famished myself. I can bring you a sandwich, but lets avoid a burger, ok? I need to get you off meat a bit." Warm beam.

"What?" she stared at his distressed face. "Oh, no...Was I mean again? Eddie? You know I don't mean that stuff, it's...Uh, bad migraines." Earnest look. "I probably need to switch my meds again."

Hmmn...Well, Hocken eyed her.

Those are the worst. My Ma had them and Aunt Sal.

"It's ok. But maybe we should go together." He noted. "Just in case you go bat shit crazy again and try to do the whole cafeteria, including the lunch ladies."

"You're so good to me, Ed." She beamed. "Do me in the closet, now?" happy smile.

Phone in room rings...Hocken picks up.

"Yeah...? Hocken here."

"If that's for me, I don't know him." Edna, anxiously.

"Just a minute, honey...Frank?" He stares at receiver.

...