"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'…"
Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.
Of course Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...
Part III…
"Let me get this straight…" Mayor Lillian Barkley, carefully arranged grey-hair, in suit with pearls, grimly attempting to smile at crowd on pier dock from reviewing platform, sighed to the newly reinstated Captain Ed Hocken…
Just when I'd thought to be rid of both these idiots…
"After bringing down Fred Crumpf's criminal political career, at his own convention, and Crumpf's escape plane full of corrupt traitors and neo-Nazis…" she began.
"And neo-fascists, Klansmen, what have you…" Hocken nodded. Edna, proudly, if a bit vague as to what was going on, heavily medicated and watched carefully over by her (and Ed's, for sure) oldest daughter, Susan, in the crowd surrounding the platform on which Barkley, a reluctant but resigned city council, Hocken, and intense security stood.
"…Yeah." Barkley, curtly. "So then Drebbin escaped the plane after killing Crumpf by shattering a window and depressurizing the plane, and somehow landed on a raft with enough supplies to survive for over a month…"
"Frank was always lucky that way…A resource lucky kinda guy." Hocken nodded.
"Lemme do those guys! You little…" Edna cried to several eager sailors passing ("Whoa, look I think that's Jeri Ryan in that coat and strait-jacket who wants to do us?!" one noted), struggling, then calmed. "Sorry, sweetheart." To Susan, apogetically.
"Really think you gotta tell Dad this isn't bad migraines, Momma." Susan, a tall willowy eighteen year sighed.
"You're not my daughter, you look like me when I was an actress playing Eleanor Roosevelt, or worse, a dog." Edna sneered. "Oh…Quick, give me another pill, honey!" she pleaded. "And young Mrs. Roosevelt was very pretty, really. Everyone always said I was perfect for the part and that I looked just like her…She just needed those teeth fixed, like I had mine, and we've done that with you."
"It's ok, Mom. Just tell Dad the truth." Susan insisted.
"And then…" Barkley frowned to Hocken, on the platform. "He manages to get rescued, in the middle of the Pacific and returns…On…"
"Love…Exciting and new…" song blares as the Pacific Princess pulls into harbor. Frank Drebbin, in flowered Hawaiian shirt, with leis on, waving to the crowd as the ship is docked.
"The Love Boat?" Barkley shakes head.
Hocken shrugging….They saw him passing, he said when he radio-telephoned me from the ship. What ya gonna do?
"Bet that Drebbin couldn't even land a girl on the Love Boat." Edna sneered, leering. "Oh…Did I say something mean?" she anxiously eyed Susan, nervous look.
"Take another pill, Ma." Susan handed her one.
Drebbin descends ramp to cheers…Several reporters coming over…
Barkley grimly trying to put on a smile as her campaign director gives urgent look. Madam Mayor? Cameras? Reporters?
"Come on. Lets go greet the…Urggh. 'Hero of the Hour'." She eyes Hocken.
"You suck, Dogface!" Edna cries to the Mayor.
"Bad migraines." Hocken notes to the Mayor, sighing as she eyes him coldly.
"I'll shoot her if she's sleeping with Ed!" Edna, hysterically, to Susan.
"Ok, time for us to go home, Mom." She notes, sighing. "Tim, Javier?" to two of her younger but quite athletic brothers who lead Edna away.
"Either of you man enough to…?" Edna leering, begins as they head off to the family car.
"Some migraines." Mayor Barkley to Hocken, as they watch.
"She really needs to change her meds again, I think ." He notes.
"Mr. Drebbin!" a reporter calls as the Mayor, two aides, Hocken, and several, sycophantic, naturally eager for the limelight, city council members step to meet Frank.
"Is it true the President is going to bestow the Medal of Honor on you?! This weekend?!"
"Dear God…" Barkley shakes head. "How'd they get hold of that? The ceremony's top secret." she turned to aide who shrugs.
"Can't say son, just spent a month on a raft adrift in the Pacific, and a week cavorting on the Love Boat…" Drebbin tells reporter, turning to wave to the crew of the said Love Boat...Insets "Your Captain"…Close up on Captain beaming at you. "Your ships' Doctor"…Close up on said doctor, waving… "Say he looks like Siegfried from the old 'Get Smart'?" the reporter notes. "Your bartender"…Close on said bartender… "Your (nerdy) ship's purser"…Close up on (nerdy) ship's purser. "And your cruiser director…Hmmn…Well, she's just been arrested on cocaine possession charges"…Glare from young female cruise director to Drebbin as he nods to cops coming from the ship, taking her down the ramp in cuffs. "Hey, I'm a cop, young lady." Drebbin notes to her glare.
Cuts to shots of various guest stars including Leslie Nielsen as "Frank Drebbin, retired cop, Police Squad", waving… And the usual bunch of guest stars…
Phew…Frank notes to the reporter. "So much desperate dodging of desperate women and a few gay men, as I'm married to the great little comatose gal on Earth. That last week on the ship was worse than my month on a raft. Food wasn't as good either." Waving… "Ed! Madam Mayor! City Council sycophants!" Drebbin calls.
We're in…The sycophants happily note, waving and jostling for position in front of cameras. Barkely narrowing glaring at them…One of those schnooks, no doubt.
"But, can you tell us how you managed to survive, after you escaped from Fred B. Crumpf's minor and major villain-filled plane?" the reporter asked. "Not to mention how did you know Crumpf was hiding thousands of stolen top secret government documents that he planned to sell to our enemies at the foreclosed hotel he was using for the True American Republican Convention? The ones that proved conclusively he's a traitor under the thumb of Russian president Putinsky?"
"I'd rather like to know that one myself…" Mayor Barkely noted to (reinstated) Captain Hocken with dour look. "Especially since you and Drebbin were retired (involuntarily, even forcibly…Cut to shot of Hocken desperately holding onto his desk as four cops drag him off and out of office) last year."
"Well, just excellent, retired, police work, ma'am. Uh, like those retired cold case cop guys." Hocken noted, nervously.
Just hope Frank doesn't mention they called us about that garbage award and offered the free food and fifty bucks , to come.
"Uh-huh. Look, Hocken. If you want to stay on and earn that full pension and cover that crazy wife of yours' bills…Medical, psychiatric, demonic possession…Whatever the hell's driven her so cuckoo… You'll see to it Drebbin behaves like a hero and keeps out of trouble this time. Or else." Barkley, grim stare.
"Uh, yes, ma'am."
"Fortunately he seems to have some crazy notion to pursue Crumpf…" grim note. "Though isn't he squeezed into a dead ball of bloody flesh in the wreckage of his plane at the bottom of the Pacific?...Or at least follow his surviving minions to their supposed ex-Nazi…"
"I think Frank said 'neo-Nazi now'…In his report." Hocken noted gently. "Though he thinks there might be some second or third generation Nazis there. Could be worth checking out."
"Whatever…Base and that's fine by me if he can get the President or anyone to cough up the dough for his mad little excursion. Hell, I'll even put up a few thousand from the discretionary fund, just so long as he's out of the city…The State…The country…Till after this national and my own re- election." The Mayor, sternly. "See to it, Hocken. Or you can see what care you can get for crazy Edna on Medicare supplemental."
"Yes, ma'am." Hocken sighed.
"Lets go greet our hero and keep him behaving himself till the President gets here to give him that medal." The Mayor noted. "Shame he had to put his wife in that coma, she could usually manage him to some extent."
"Yes, ma'am. Shame." Nod. Following her and her aides and guards as she went down to…Urggh….Greet the hero of the hour.
And, winner of the Love Boat Bingo of Love competition. Though the free "All you can eat while every unattached woman and gay man on board gets to hit on you" buffet really was not up to Crumpf life raft standards.
"Drebbin." The Mayor coldly, with forced smile for cameras now clicking, several blowing out at her icy stare. "Welcome home and back to the Force."
"A pleasure on both counts, madame Mayor…" Frank beamed, shaking her hand. "Ed, great to see you again."
Ok…So far so good, Barkley thinks.
"Curse you, you old f-r!" the cruise director cried as she passed. "I only wanted to love you!"
"Told you I was married, Julie, and I don't do drugs." He called back.
"You…I'll call you, when I get out in a few years!" she eagerly called as she was pushed into a police van. "Maybe we can hook up then?!" hopeful tone.
"Like I said, desperate people." Frank noted to Hocken who nodded.
I still remember that sex-crazed orgy of a trip from when Edna and I went, years before she started acting so crazy.
Of course, we were both monogamous then but it was…Wow.
I said…Both of us, including me, Hocken stares at us…And this is my "I owe you some pain, buddy." Face from "Mirage" when I beat Gregory Peck to a pulp, so don't start doubting my sincerity. We were…Both, meaning me…Monogamous, he insisted.
"Ed Hocken?" the Love Boat bartender waved from the ship's rail, beaming coyly…
Tell my appointments director to find me another cruise line for my vacation…The Mayor hissed to an aide who nodded, penciling.
"Well, lets get ourselves quickly away from this crowd and these pesky reporters and TV cameras, Frank…" she noted with a vague and quite phony, warmth to Drebbin. "…so you can tell me and…" eyeing Ed… ?
"Ed Hocken, captain on your force for thirty years, ma'am." Hocken noted.
"Yeah…Ed… and me, the whole story. In private." She smiled coldly. "I've read (and carefully censored) your report but I'd love to hear the details."
In…Private…She hissed to her guards who began "accidentally" shoving reporters and camera people into the harbor waters.
"Just one quote, Mr…Aieeee!" a female reporter cried.
"I'm at your service, once again, Madam Mayor." Drebbin noted. "And may I say…"
Screams from several other reporters shoved off the pier…
"…It's good to be back. Say who's that guy, Aieeee? He seems to be getting quite a lot of attention." Drebbin noted to Ed as they followed the Mayor to her limo, aides and guards closing them off from the crowd and surviving reporters.
But out of the crowd a figure emerges…Banner in his restored fat, unkempt guy disguise again, stuffed into suit, grimly watching.
So…Der swinehund Drebbin indeed survived. Need to take care of that, shortly.
"Is it really true that guy's getting the Medal of Honor for exposing Dad?" Derke Crumpf, in disguise as a Fox News cameraman noted to Banner quietly as they let the crowd pass…And the departing Love Boat passengers, a few middle-aged ladies and men eyeing Derke with smiles as they passed
Geesh, not even the desperate passengers of the Love Boat are interested in me? Banner thinks.
Well, it's the disguise, I'm sure. When I deflate to Goebbelian thinness and the appearance of a sewer rat I'm sure they'll all want me. Like illegitimate Grandpa…Ha, ha, legit aunts and uncles, you got poisoned…Joe and his actresses and victims.
"Steve?" Hey, the heir second's talkin' to you, flunkey…As Dad would say if he were still able to vocalize.
"Yeah, yeah…That bitch Wilson's coming to give it to him, my sources confirmed that." Banner waves him off.
Talk about a shortage of help when I have to resort to taking this chump with me to deal with Drebbin and make sure our plans for taking the Presidency are running smoothly, he thought.
"Damn…" Derke sighed. "But it won't be as good as the one Dad bought and pinned on himself, right?"
Banner rolling eyes.
"I don't intend for Drebbin to be getting any awards, Derke. We deal with him tonight. Before he can give the President and her people that traitor Jones' book outlining 'The Plot'. Seems he managed to find it floating next to a quarter of uneaten Jones, on the ocean."
"Wow, I'd love to read it. I still don't quite get the whole 'Plot'." Derke noted.
"No one is ever reading it besides Drebbin and he won't live to tell anyone the details…And he held them back in his initial report, according to the copy my well-placed sources funneled to me." Banner nodded.
"Cool." Derke beamed. Hey, there…To another passing older woman making eyes at him.
Naturally as a Crumpf I get all the chicks…Though I don't get what I'm supposed to grab em by…How do you grab that thing? Dad never took the time to show me or Fred Jr when he was still young and light enough to walk more than a few paces.
Though, if things work out…Maybe he'll show us yet. Heh, heh.
"Come on, the crowd's easing up. We need to get to our car…Though some of my well-placed sources are already following Drebbin and the Mayor."
"Ok…But say could we do a shot with this thing first? I think I've figured out how to turn it on." Derke indicated the large videocamera on his shoulder. "We're supposed to be media guys, right?"
"Yeah, fine, we got let some more of these desperate for love passengers get past us anyway, while I expostulate more of the plot. But quick…" Banner took a position before the camera.
Besides I always wanted to be a TV news guy. Those dweebs on Fox interviewing me in the old days of past glory never knew their jobs…But that was Murdoch hiring unethical numbskulls and over the hill hacks, not really journalists like my secret hero, Dan Rather. He eyed the camera as Derke pointed at him.
"And in three…Two…Uh, wait…Ah, there…One…" Derke intoned.
"This is Dan Canner for Local…National…(may as well, he thought) News reporting on the safe return of formerly retired now reinstalled police squad Detective Frank Drebbin, after his heroic…"
Derke blinking…
"Well, he was…That's the story, gotta be true to the story…" Banner noted. "Just roll camera, Derke."
"…Foiling of the plot by ex-President and since, perennial Presidential candidate and failed business mogul and convicted felon criminal..."
"Hey…"
"Kid, a good reporter is true to the facts…" Banner insisted.
"Fine. But Dad would be pissed." Derke noted, resuming. "I mean rant level 10 pissed."
"…Fred B. Crumpf to steal the coming presidential election. Ok, cut."
"Whoa, you looked good there." Derke noted.
"Good. Well, lets go. But, send a copy to my mom in Des Moines." Banner nodded. "I've told her I became a reporter, but put 'ABC' on the tape. I wouldn't want her to think I was working for a place like 'Fox'."
"Right." Derke nodded, starting to pack up camera equipment.
"Say…" he paused. "That stuff about the presidential campaign. Wasn't that 'the Plot'?"
"That was part one…And it was meant to fail. Though we were all supposed to get away after killing Drebbin at the convention when he came up to get his bozo award. I underestimated him. I won't do that again." Grim look.
"Oooh, look a TV reporter." A large passing lady nudged her larger female friend.
"Him? Forgetabout it." The other sneered.
Banner, narrow look. The Fourth or Fifth Reich'll deal with the likes of you, bitch.
And if this disguise were off you'd be all over me.
Besides the unkempf TV correspondent in suit is a classic look.
"Come on, kid." He urged Derke.
"Yeah, but if part one failed…?" Derke noted.
"Meant to fail, kid. Meant. The 'steal the election with our fanatics' thing is our usual modus operandi."
What? Derke's puzzled look, a sad commentary on the education of wealthy punks, Banner thought.
"Latin, kid. The usual way we operate. That has been failing us since the first time when it worked 'cause nobody expected a presidential candidate would use enemy foreign help to steal the election. They thought Fred a ranting nut and slime but not an outright traitor like he is. Plus, the tech for part two was still in development. But this time we were ready to move to part two…And pretending another steal deflected the attentions of the restored CIA, FBI, DOJ, and others purged of our corrupt infiltrators and incompetent hacks from our administration…You know, like Bill Barring."
"Nice, I guess..." Derke nodded.
Though me, I kinda wonder why and how we blew it in the first administration…But Dad was kinda crazy and incompetent…Probably shoulda tried a governorship first. Maybe been a mayor. Learned the political ropes and all.
"But as to part two…You know…Dad and all." Derke shrugged.
Banner shrugged.
"It's a bit more difficult now but we were always planning to utilize the secret advanced tech of the Nazi lair…Though I did hope to use Putinsky's medical facilities."
"Russian medicine, for this?" Derke eyed him askance.
I've seen the documentaries on YouTube…
"With our Nazi experts and staff in charge, Derke. Putinsky's a practical guy and like Stalin is happy to make use of Nazi experts. But we had to improvise thanks to that Drebbin. And improvise…We did." Banner, shrewd look. "Don't worry, part two of 'the Plot' is well underway. But here we are…I'll have to expostulate more later… " as he unlocks car doors on their van. "Now, lets go kill Drebbin and anyone in the way…"
"But…Not...Her?" Derke eyed him.
"Oh, no. Not…Her." Banner nodded.
"So…The killing Drebbin…That's not part of 'the Plot' part two or whatever?" Derke eyed him as he climbed into the van's passenger seat.
"Like I told you, I thought part one would take care of Drebbin…Call this an appendix to part one…Or a header note to part two. Yes, Frank Drebbin. A minor footnote in history. Heh, heh." Starts van.
"Oh, man." As van gave faint effort to start. "Derke, you left the lights on!"
…
…
