"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'…"

Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.

Of course Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...

Part IV…

LA General Hospital…

"So…" Drebbin beams at his comatose wife, Jane…Captain Hocken, a carefully watched by him, and daughter Susan, Edna…Is she in a strait-jacket under that coat? Mayor Barkley to Hocken's side hissed to an aide.

"And nothing else! You wanna get it on, girlie?!" Edna cried, overheaing.

"Oh, Frank…I know Jane's so glad you came straight here…" she turned to Drebbin with warm smile as the group stared.

"Eddie? Is my hair coming down or something?" she asked Hocken, nervously.

"Oh, no, sweetie." Warm pat. "Sue, why don't you and the boys take Ma home? She's had a long day." Hocken noted, nodding to two more of his or at least Edna's sons, Jake and Clevon.

"I'm making meatloaf…Come home soon honey." Edna, kissing him on cheek. "So I can stuff it down your fat throat after I burn it solid and lace it with cyanide!" cruel leer. "And find me a man who can deliver the goods, you loser!" Sue now pulling her along gently.

"It was nice to see you again, Mayor Barkley." Edna called. "Tell Jane I'll be in to see tomorrow, Frank! Please don't keep Ed out too late."

"Really got to sit down with her doc about those meds." Hocken noted apologetically to the Mayor.

"Sure." Mayor Barkley nodded carefully.

"Make sure she's kept away from all future events." She hissed to an aide. "And have flowers ready for the funeral."

"Jane…" Drebbin had taken seat by her side. "I want you to know that it was the thought of you that kept me alive, eating that incredibly rich food, out on the Pacific, alone."

Awww…Others about the room stared.

"Get a picture of me standing next to Drebbin and the brain-dead wife." Barkley hissed to her aide. "Wasn't a bad idea agreeing to come here first. And clear space on my calendar for the funerals. With luck both broads'll croak about the same time."

"Say, doc…" Hocken to the same young handsome doctor who become Jane's attending physician yesterday and been one of Edna's numerous hookups during at least one of her Hydian fugue states.

"Uh…Hey." Nervous look by the handsome doctor. The husband, great…Really wish I'd picked a different shift. Curse my addiction to South African cricket on TV.

"Got a second? I'd appreciate a chat." Hocken urged him to a corner as Frank continued talking to the comatose Jane.

Uh… "Sure…In here, right?"

He can't beat me to a dead mass of shuddering flesh like Edna claimed he would if she ever id'd me to him, in here, with all these people, I guess.

"You're Jane's doc, right? Confidentially, what are her chances?" Hocken whispered.

"Oh, well…Hard to say. She's been in this coma a long time, but there has been some continued brain activity. If we don't have further…"

"Hey, doc?! I think I managed to unplug this thing again." Frank called.

"Turn that camera off!" the Mayor hissed as she and aides stared at Drebbin holding plug.

"I always get tangled up in all these cords…" Frank noted.

Edna, carefully led and restrained by her and possibly, Ed's….Certainly in Susan's case…Children…Reached the opening elevator to find a sweet-faced young, about twenty-three, slightly heavy set, brunette girl in wheelchair getting out.

"Susie! Jake, Clevon!...Mrs. Hocken! Did Captain Hocken come with you?" the girl beamed eagerly.

"Elsie! How nice to see you!" Edna, beaming. "You're just in time, your bosses Frank and my Ed are with Jane and about a hundred people I don't know. How are you, dear?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Things back at the station are fine. Better than fine after what's happened. I'm so glad Captain Hocken…And Lieutenant Drebbin…Are reinstated fully, I was so sad to see them go, though Captain Hocken continued consulting work while he was completing his early retirement paperwork. I was so glad to file all that as 'suspended' yesterday. It's so good to have him…Them…Back everyday. Chatting with me, making my existence worth enduring with his…Their presence...Sitting on my desk, cracking jokes, awing me with his…Their…Bravery."

"And I know Ed and Frank are so fond of you too, Elsie." Edna smiled warmly. "You're the best assistant he's ever had, Ed says, He's always talking at home about how sweet you are and how you ease the living hell he suffers every day. And he must, for me to remember it. Susie?" she turned to her daughter, giving Elsie a narrow look. "What's making Daddy's life a living hell? Is he having troubles at work?"

"No, Ma, he's been forcibly early retired for almost a year, till yesterday, remember? But that's just an expression, he doesn't mean it, outside a comic sense, you know Dad's lovable sense of humor. Does he, Elsie?" the eighteen year old girl giving Elsie a cold stare.

The one person Mom should be aware of as a threat. But, I'll go on giving Dad the benefit of a doubt as a great guy. Though given the living hell he endures with poor Mom, I couldn't blame him for seeking some comfort.

Actually I could, bitch…I'm my Momma's daughter. Come between my poor, sick, dying mother and my beloved father and they'll find your wheelchair in a dumpster and never find your body, cold glare.

Geesh, I should get checked, her hideous Hyde condition could be hereditary…

"Oh, I know Ed…Captain Hocken...Loves his family so much." Elsie nodded. "Almost wish some times he would talk about someone…Some thing…Else. " she noted. "Well, I'll just go and say welcome home to Lieutenant Drebbin and thank God you're back to Captain Hocken (love of my hard and lonely life). See you!" waving.

"Charming girl, I really love her like another daughter. She seems to make Ed's life so much easier." Edna beamed after the girl wheeling herself down the hall. "I always feel calmer around her. He'd never be interested in that dog-faced cripple!" sneer.

"Oh, my. Is my hair coming down, or something?" Edna stared at the stricken Susan and the boys. "Oh, bye Elsie!" cheerily calling after Elsie.

"No, Momma. But we really should get you home. Come on fellas." Susan urged. The boys gently leading Edna aboard the elevator.

"It's Thursday, isn't it? Meatloaf night and Voyager reruns." Edna beamed. "I like to watch Jeri, we were both up for that part you know. And both Jeris, you know? Her first, my middle. A coupla Jeris. It was weird, they said we were almost identical. For a minute the producer thought they might have us as twin Borgs, but they dropped that, too expensive." She grinned at Susan and the boys.

"You were prettier. It should have been your part, Mom." Susan, patting her.

"Well, no. I mean it was a great part…I still remember 'Seven of Nine, tertiary adjunct…Something, something…Was the audition line. Not everything's quite gone." Beam to Susan. "But I didn't like the body suit, seemed a bit risqué and detracting from my performance. Plus, I didn't want to be so far away from my fiancée, that big lug of a cop.", fond smile, sigh. "But, I did get the part of young Eleanor Roosevelt in that miniseries closer to home, NYC then, that year instead. And I was born to play her." Happy smile. "I even had buckteeth when I was a kid so I could identify."

"You know…Concerning Elsie, it's nice to know when I die there'll be someone there who loves and can care for your dad almost as much as me." Edna, suddenly smiling at a startled Susan as the boys press for the garage.

"Oh…Sweetheart, I may be nearly brain-mush and maybe more fatally than even poor Jane, but I still know when someone loves my husband." Patting her hand. "Of course, even without my Hyde side, I'd beat the little trollop to death if I had any hope." Shrug, wan smile.

The young doc and the staff having assured the group that Jane could be no worse for the impromptu accidental near-euthanasia, Hocken had requested another brief session in the corner furthest away from the others clustered about Jane's bed. Two eager newshounds hoping on Jane's bed to take video of the reunion of the Drebbin hero guy and his probably zombie brain-dead wife.

"We've got a schedule, have Drebbin move this sentimental moment along." Mayor Barkley hissed to aide. "Jesus, Sinclair, last month you were the one advocating for cutting off aid to food shelters to the starving as they'll probably die of something anyway, are you crying too?" she eyed the weeping aide.

"It's just so beautiful. I gotta call my wife, kids, mistress, illegitimate kids." He noted, sobbing as Frank gently held Jane's hand, speaking to her of his devotion.

"Watch that IV line, Drebbin!" Barkley called. Shaking head as Drebbin knocked over said IV setup, triggering another alarm.

"Doc, you're a brain guy, right?" Hocken noted as the two stood behind the crowd about Jane's bed…The young doctor too fearful of Hocken's possible wrath…As a Turner Classic Movies buff, he'd seen "Mirage"…And other George Kennedy as brutal thug movies…To note his usual enormous fee for even answering the most casual questions from patients or familes.

"Uh, I guess… " the doctor nodded carefully.

Hey, I've used it with chicks. It's way cooler than "assistant chief neurosurgeon".

"Well, about my wife, Edna. She's been having these crazy …And I mean crazy…Migraines and fits where she loses control of herself for short periods… Uh, I mean I know, modern women and all, the need to assert themselves and I'd have no problem with her berating my weight, age, kinda lovable oafish lack of intellectual and social style, general kind of beefy physique, not so great financial situation, rather modest pension, and so-so sexual agility…And I guess, given how pretty she still is, running around with, even maniacally pursuing guys, though she's never been like that until eight years ago… But, doc, she's never been mean to people, especially her and our kids…And she can't seem to remember anything she's done when she recovers. She was doing better on some meds in the last year but now…"

Built up a tolerance, Bernie warned me…The doctor noted to himself. Well, no need for details about how I know Edna, given she's probably got six months or less.

On the other hand, it's probably good to monitor her, see she makes no trouble for me as she croaks…And maybe get a few more quickies in with her when she's off her rocker before it's too late.

And I'd be paid through the nose for it…Cool.

Assuming the cop's credit is any good.

"Well, of course I'd have to have her in, if you'd like to have her referred to me. What do her previous doctors say?"

As if I didn't know…

"Oh, she's seen a few and says they say it's really bad migraines and prescribed the drugs. One shaman did tell us it was likely a frontal lobe tumor and inoperable but she says the other docs just called it migraines and not to worry."

"Well, since she's not a hospital patient, just book an incredibly expensive appointment with my clinic…She knows the number. I mean, I'm in the book, Dr. Michael Goebbels-Banner. The Goebbels-Banner clinic. And remember, we're off network and not eligible for ACA or Medicaid."

Dramatic music…Dat-Dat-Dum.

"Hmmn…You know I've heard that name before." Hocken noted. "Ah, right…Completely different…Funny coincidence I guess, eh, doc?" Smile.

"Life's full of them, right?" Dr. Goebbel-Banner nods, smiling. "Well, let me check my patient, Mrs. Drebbin, one last time for the cameras and head out." Arch look to us…

"Drebbin, lets move this along…We've a ceremony to honor you at a secret location with a special guest." The Mayor called. "Your wife'll still be in a coma and unable to avoid listening to your sentimental drivel tomorrow, I'm sure."

"Ok, Madam Mayor…So, funny-face." Frank addressed the unconscious Jane… "I've gotta to go for now, but I'll be back, tonight and every moment I can."

"He just got back on my Force. He's not gonna immediately take sick leave over this near corpse and after a month lost at sea?" the Mayor hissed to another aide.

"Yeah, I suppose the more he's out of the office the better…" she nodded as the aide whispered. "But if he goes on that wild-goose chase after Crumpf see that time's deducted from his leave hours."

"Excuse me, Madam Mayor…Mr. Drebbin, if you wouldn't mind, just gotta check the patient." Dr. Goebbels-Banner passes, eyeing us again archly.

So, Drebbin's going after Crumpf…And, Dad…

If he survives the night. Heh, heh, heh.

Dat-Dat-Dum…