"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'…"
Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.
Of course Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...
Part IX…
"Although there had been rumors, the ceremony honoring newly reinstated from retirement, Lieutenant Frank Drebbin, of Police Squad, for preventing the escape of disgraced former president and candidate Fred B. Crumpf and his aides, charged with treason against the United States, theft with intent to profit by the sale of top secret US documents to foreign enemies, fraud, tax evasion, election fraud, intimidation, and criminal business transactions… (Hah, they didn't get the murders in, Banner thought…Morons.), was kept secret until its network broadcast tonight. President Woodrowmina Wilson, in Los Angeles for a campaign rally and strategic sessions, presented Lieutenant Drebbin with the Medal of…"
"Curses, foiled again…" Banner watching the news on a billboard screen a few feet from his and Derke's van, minions of the Crumpf cause in town having jumped the stalled car.
Stiffed for payment of course…That being the Crumpf way.
"I mean that fool Crumpf is foiled again, curse him." He said, loudly, noting several people eyeing him and Derke.
"Hey, there's not a nobler man in LA than Drebbin!" One man shook fist at him.
"Oh, yeah…Agreed." Banner nodded. "Hey…We're liberal media, us two."
"If one does think on it, this Crumpf was an ambitious schmuck and a very would-be tyrant." Another nodded, despite a "make America Crumpf property again" shirt. Several pondering…Much of the crowd shaking heads…
Crumpfers, God. Though we'd be rid of them by now, after three losses.
Well, better they follow a Frank Drebbin, right? A few noted to each other.
"The fickle mob, kid…" Banner hissed to Derke. "A week ago, half…Well, A third…Ok, a quarter, were solidly Crumpf, forever. And ten years ago…"
"Let Drebbin be crowned our candidate!" still another. "Let the better parts of the GOP be ennobled in Drebbin!" another cheered, tossing his "Crumpf wuz muddered: Q got the prof, on Utubes!" sign.
"If you have ought to say against Drebbin, let you not speak here." A woman busy taking off a "grab my…, Fred!" t-shirt to exchange for a "Drebbin the new Christ" shirt glared at Banner and Derke.
"Oh, no…No, Friends…LAians…Countrymen…" Banner put up a hand. "I come to report on Drebbin, for the liberal media, not to bad mouth him. Though I do hear he is a Democrat." Carefully eyeing…
"He is? We'll all be Democrats then!" cries.
Banner sighing inwardly, maintaining smile.
"God, we don't want you people!" counter cries from the crowd.
"Drebbin! Drebbin!" cries. "Lets vote for the Wilson-Drebbin ticket!" Pause…
"Sure!"
"Hey!" Derke, stung by the betrayal…Well by the several fickle Crumpfers, plus six or seven who'd been wearing "Crumpf for our new God" t-shirts and now discarded them, anyway.
"Listen to me, you jerks!" hopping on the van's car hood.
Oh, shit…Banner sighs. "Kid! Get off the car!" he hissed. "We can't attract attention! Plus, it's a rental!"
Derke, now a bit carried away by thought of his big opportunity to lay claim to the mantle…
Though how come they're all givin' me dirty looks? Hey, that guy threw something at me that wasn't dough as in cash.
"When the losers hath whined, Crumpf has said 'I'll fix everything by takin' it from 'those' people." Derke called. "Is that ambition?"
"Yeah." Several ex-Crumpfers in crowd, shrugging.
Kid, they're not supporting you…Banner tried.
"It sure is!" one cried.
See? Though I must say I'm impressed by the superior intelligence of this bunch…Banner thought. Usually they're at the intellectual level of pond scum. But Adolf always said his Germans were like dumb beasts, easily led.
"Get off the damned car you idiot." He whispered harshly. "We're not here to win their coarse hearts and dull minds. Save the speeches for later."
Later? Like when…Dad never lets me talk at the family table let alone make speeches…
"Wilson must be pretty good, after all, if she gave our new god Drebbin a medal…!" the woman changing shirts and tossing the Crumpf-faced one in the trash, noted.
"Yeah!" several cries.
"Hey, but…You're supposed ta be swayed by my eloquence…My way…" Derke tried.
"Kill him! He mocks Drebbin! And since we're swinging that way, Wilson!" several in the crowd cried.
Banner rolling eyes…Nice going, punk. You actually managed to turn Crumpfrers against us.
"Boy, this is great. I wanted to vote for her, but my husband said he'd shoot me first." Another woman told Banner, assuming the liberal reporter was not with the anti-Drebbin devil on the car. "But see him now, over there building that impromptu altar to 'Our Frank'?"
"Great. Really…Great." Banner nodded, fake smiling.
"Get him! Tear him! Tear him for his bad speeches!" others called, shaking fists at Derke.
Scary thing is they're all our ex-people…All the others sensibly went home…Banner thought.
Almost makes me wonder if I should give this crazy "Plot" up and try to make Drebbin my puppet President…
Hellllpppp…Derke mouthed to Banner who backed carefully away…
Hey, you made your grave, punk. Now…Shrug. "Say, miss, could you take up that video camera and film me. My cameraguy's gone for coffee and I want to get that nut on the van there."
"Sure." The young woman lifted video. "Like this?"
"Perfect, thanks. This is Dan Bann reporting from near the Taglyan Complex in LA…" he began. "Say, you handle that well, miss. How'd you like to help me get some close up shots of the Taglyan Center for a big story. And maybe grab some coffee later? I think my cameraman's out for the night."
"Sure." She nodded.
"Lets just get some footage backing away from the crowd here…" he suggested.
"Hey, that's Derke Crumpf!" a man either slightly more intelligent or more addicted to Fox News cried. "Fred Crumf's son!"
"No, no…" Derke cried. "I'm Derke Mcgee, the cameraguy. I am not Derke the Crumpf, number two son and heir. Tell them, Steve!" he pleaded to where Banner had just…Hmmn… "And I've rethought my vote. Go Wilson-Drebbin. Steve?! Tell them!"
Steve? Staring around…
"Get him! He's no longer the barely tolerable idiot son of our great leader but the spawn of ambition and treachery!" a cry.
Yeah, a career in politics just wasn't for you, kid…Banner thought as he slipped back, with the young woman. Derke's screaming increasing rapidly, along with the crowd's.
And sacrifices for the Plot hafta be made…Especially considering it's not much of a sacrifice in your case.
…
"Now that's a neat medal, Frank." Hocken nodded at the medal now pinned on Frank's formal shirt inside his tux as they sat. "I should get a pic for Edna and the kids."
"I still can't believe you received a Medal of Honor…The Medal of Honor." Mayor Barkley shook head. Her seated aides likewise shaking heads.
"From the President…"
"She sure seemed nice." Frank noted. "Too bad she didn't have much time to talk, but she did say Ms. Bailey would go ahead and coordinate with us for the mission to…The Lair."
"That too. She put you in as second in command, after Director Bailey?" Barkley, rolling eyes.
"I'm number three…" Hocken, only slightly miffed.
"Ed, far as I'm concerned, you outrank me still." Frank, firm nod. "I'll speak to Director Bailey about it. You're number two in my books, Ed Hocken." Proudly.
"So, Edna says, sometimes… But she means…Oh, well…A promotion's a promotion. And thanks, Frank."
"Of course, first we have the doctors and 'doctors', plus outright quacks, to interview. First thing tomorrow I say we get right on it." Frank nodded.
"That'll be great." Hocken sighed.
"Ed…?"
"Oh…I'm just…Frank, what if even Nazi docs threatened with hideous torture and horrible deaths at my hands…These hands…" Hocken held up huge hands… "Can't help her now?"
"Well, we could talk to Ms. Bailey…" Frank suggested.
"You think the people she knows, those scientists?"
"Well, I'm thinking more of getting Edna a plot at Arlington…But sure." Nod.
"Hocken, I am sorry." Barkley noted. "Anything I can do for you and your wife, especially involving killing and torturing the scum of the Earth, just ask. What about back up for your interviews? It could be dangerous."
"Ed and I are no strangers to dangers, Madam Mayor." Frank, confidently. "And we don't want any of our docs trying to flee the country. The two of us should be quite enough. We can be completely discreet. Or is it discrete,with the ete?"
Uh-huh…She eyed him, then Hocken.
"Maybe if we could keep a couple of really thuggish brutes on stand by?" Hocken suggested. "Just in case we get some really tough Nazis and I get a little tired?"
"I guess." Frank shrugged.
"We'll have them waiting. Drebbin, I will say…" the Mayor eyed him. "Despite the minor disaster here before the ceremony, which admittedly was not your fault per se. You've done well and we are all proud of you."
"Thanks, Madam Mayor. I appreciate that." Frank nodded.
"And I'd appreciate it if you'd put your arm out…Drebbin, you set yourself on fire! With the table candle! Again!"
Hocken quickly pouring water on Frank's arm.
Ok, all right…Mayor Barkley sighed. Bound to be one or two times. At least he didn't injure or kill the President.
Yet.
Director Bailey returned…Frank and Hocken and, at frown from the Mayor, the male aides rising.
"Well, the President is safely off to her hotel or Air Force One or perhaps a friend's…Sorry, can't tell you." She noted as she took a seat by Frank. "Well done, Mr. Drebbin. The ceremony went off without a hitch."
True, thank God. Mayor Barkley sighed.
"And I can't wait to get our plans together for the future…" Director Bailey beamed.
Hmmn…No…No, no, no…Barkley stared. Hocken, still sadly thoughtful, staring as well
She likes him? Both realizing…
"For the interviews with your wife's doctors, Captain, of course…And the assault on…'The Lair'." She nodded.
"Well…Ed and I thought…The two of us alone…" Frank noted.
"Mmmn…I think the President would prefer I accompany you." Ms. Bailey noted. "She wants to stay informed on all developments. Besides, some of these doctors deal solely with women. I'd make excellent cover as a potential patient, say …Your wife, Lieutenant?" brief coy smile.
Excuse me? Mayor Barkley stared.
I couldn't understand how he landed his first beautiful wife and now this one?
"Well, I…" Frank hesitated.
"I know you're married to a wonderful woman, despite her current comatose state." Ms. Bailey shrugged. "But we'd be portraying a married couple, with Captain Hocken as a supportive best friend, perhaps. It would be good practical experience working together for our later assault on the Lair." She noted.
"I promise you. Though I have been sitting behind a desk, when not attending glamorous functions, my heart belongs in the field." Smiling. "And I can still kill a man in five seconds."
"Well…Ed?" Frank eyed Hocken.
"Oh…Sure…" Hocken sighed. "Fine by me…"
"And I can see that any information we acquire is processed quickly." She noted. "And the faster we acquire such, the more chance we can help your wife, Ed. If I may start calling you both by your first names…Frank. You can call me Marjorie."
"Marjorie…That's a nice name." Frank noted.
"Why thank you." She beamed shyly.
"But aren't you the President's Head of Security or Presidential Security Head or whatever?" Barkley noted. "Don't you need to stay with the President?"
"I'll remain in constant communication. She wants me in the field, actually. And I have a fine assistant and staff…All of whom, Frank." She smiled. "Have been checked. None have had any brain surgery, I promise."
"Yet." Frank noted.
"Yet…" she agreed. "And we'll keep surveying the staff, the whole administration…Everyone will be accounted for including the President and her family."
"You know I really liked Danny. Great guy." Hocken noted.
"Everyone but Crumpf loves Danny Wilson, Ed." Ms. Bailey nodded. "And yes, we checked him and the kids out too. Hell, we're even checking pets. You never know."
"I like that." Frank nodded. "And you don't, in fact I often don't know."
The Mayor, rolling eyes…
"Anyway, this has been a magical evening, even with the explosion and the injuries and deaths, but I should stop by to see Jane before I go home." Drebbin continued.
"That must be difficult." Ms. Bailey noted, sighing. "I've been divorced a long time and my husband was an arrogant vain narcissistic son of a bitch but I even miss him, sometimes. A wife like yours, a real companion…It must be very hard on you, Frank." Warm smile.
"Sometimes…Sometimes I just watch TV and pretend it's like every other night at home." He shrugs.
"Well, lets go Frank." Hocken noted.
"Well, Ed…You must be exhausted…The car chase, the explosion…Sorting through the bodies and gore…The excitement here. And your…And Edna's kids are waiting for you." Frank, shaking head. "I can manage. I'll just Uber."
"Oh, I wouldn't recommend that, Frank. Too dangerous right now." Ms. Bailey notes. "But, I can take you in my car."
"Might be a bit odd, me coming over in a limo and all." Frank noted. "I can just take the bus."
"We do have a fine bus system." The Mayor, quickly getting in the plug. "But we're not budgeted for this hour. Perhaps, with some federal help…."
"It would be my own car. I dislike limos and try to avoid them except when necessary. Please, it would give us a chance to discuss the Plot and the situation?" she noted carefully.
Dear God…Mayor Barkley sighed, looking at the two.
And I, Mayor of Los Angeles, can't even get a date?
"Well, if you insist. I always do like to have Jane meet my partners." Frank nodded.
"Great." Ms. Bailey beamed.
Boy, would Edna blow her top if I brought her over to meet her as my new partner. Or even if we just passed her on the street. Maybe even not in her "Hyde" state. Ed thought.
But who knows, it might even wake Jane up to see her with Frank.
Come to think of it, I better not even mention she'll be working with us to Edna.
