"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'…"
Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.
Of course Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...
Part XIII…
Later that night…
"Fra…nk… Fra…nk…" cooing voice. Drebbin in pajamas turning restlessly in his sleep in the Drebbins' bed.
"FRANK!" howl…He sat upright, shaken, staring at the floating figure of an angry Jane in lovely blue nightdress above their bed. The nightdress folding and sweeping about her as if moved by a faint breeze….
"Couldn't wait till I flatlined permanently? Could you?! Could you?!"
"Jane…I…Haven't…"
"You felt something for that woman…" fierce glare.
"But…"
"I was there, invisible, in the spirit. And I know what I sensed between you in that car tonight when you touched. Frank, how could you abandon me? I mean I'm still kinda hot, even in my coma." Eyeing him, shaking her head, her hair floating about her.
"Of course you are…Jane…Please…"
"What, 'try to understand'? Oh…Poor you, no sex, no hugs except Edna, and the girls at Police Squad. And there's far too much of that, especially from that sex-crazed Edna!"
"Jane…I've never…"
"Well…" careful look as she floated over him hovering near his face. "Never till tonight, on your part. But that slut Edna, whatever victimization she's suffered, sure was into it. And several of the girls from your office…" sententiously. "That assistant of yours and Ed's…" grim look.
"Really?"
"Hey?!" she fumed. "And worst of all was tonight! You liked that woman!"
"Well, she was very fun to be with and a crack shot at killing people…But it wasn't like that at all, Jane. It was strictly…"
"You sure ran out of that car fast enough…Don't tell me there wasn't electricity there. I'm ethereal now, and I felt electricity there."
"Oh, now Janey…"
"I trusted you, Frank Drebbin! And see how you've betrayed me! You know…" she eyed him grimly. "I'm beginning to wonder if some of those pull outs of my plugs weren't deliberate…Maybe subconscious. A Monster from the ID." Shrewd glance.
He eyed her. "Jane…Now it's not fair to use my most successful straight role against me."
"Yeah? And you liked that girl, too, then…Anne Francis…Bet you thought she was better than me…And not just acting!"
"Jane!"
"I'm hurt, Frank!" the spirit hovered accusingly, pointing finger at him. "You promised for richer, poorer, sickness, and health…You claimed were in for the full monty. Now you bail like a trump or a Crumpf…Is this gonna be wifey number two? How many more, Frank?"
"Jane, I swear…You're the only girl for me, brain-dead or not."
"Then…Prove it!" she fumed. "Don't get involved with this woman!"
"I wasn't planning to do anything..."
"Who plans these things?" she noted. "But I thought you better than some weak-willed guy caught by the first Director of Presidential Security in an expensive gown."
"Jane…I haven't…!"
"Right…" sneering nod. "And yet here you are having this dream about sweet me being furious with you because you betrayed me. Psych 101, Frank. This is your subconscious…Monster from the Id."
"Jane…" sigh.
"Ok, unfair I guess. But it is your subconscious even if Id is an archaic term." She noted coolly.
"You're saying I'm dreaming this because secretly I…?"
"Monsters, monsters…From the Id." She cackled, laughing hysterically.
"Now that's just not…"
"Why should your subconscious be fair, Frank? And the real me's flat on my back dead to the world in a hospital bed hoping the nurses'll turn me in time to avoid bedsores." She eyed him.
"Eehew…" he blinked.
"Uh-huh…You can't take the idea of me with bedsores, can you? Hideous, oozing ones, Frank. But you pledged yourself to me to be there, watching the nurses debride me, learning to clean them yourself, while you secretly can't wait to abandon me and get some, can you? CAN YOU?! Ah, ha, ha, hah…!"
"Of course…." She suddenly calmed. "This is the first girl you've seriously thought about since you shocked me into that damned coma, so I guess I could cut you a break…" sympathetic look.
"If it really were me…Betrayer!" she raced upon him, and he suddenly woke, shivering.
Whoa…
Ok. Ok, Drebbin. Get ahold of yourself. It wasn't Jane, it was some aspect of your subconscious, feeling some guilt there. Easy to deal with, just put it out of your mind and go back to…
"ARRRRAUGGHHH!" Jane's ghostly form came down on him from the ceiling enveloping him.
Ah! He finally woke, sitting up. Looking round.
Hmmn…
"Jane?" cautious tone.
Ok…Good. I'm good, things are good. Just maybe sit up and watch some TV and it's all…Good. He got out of bed and picked up a robe from where he'd lain it on a chair. Putting it on he left the bedroom and entered a hallway.
Ok…Good. No Jane ghost, no Rod Sterling telling me I've entered another dimension. Good.
Maybe I better call the hospital, just in case…Not that I'm not sure Jane's fine but…He entered the kitchen.
Get us a nice glass of orange juice…No, maybe some milk. Avoid the acid, it's nighttime. Yeah…Nice simple glass of milk. He opened the refrigerator and took the milk out.
"And then you could do me right here, right now…" Marjorie on kitchen table in her gown, slightly open, beaming at him.
"Me first, bitch! First wife gets privileges!" Jane in same gown, next to her. "Come on, Frank. Do us!"
Hmmn…He backed away, putting the milk back and closed the fridge door.
Both ladies now vanished.
Ok…So…Maybe I'm not quite awake yet. Still, I feel awake.
"Yeah? You could go and stick your finger in that socket." Jane in white blouse and jeans noted, standing in front him now. "Then either you're asleep and having one fricking strange dream based no doubt on your subconscious guilt or you get a bed next to me, coma boy." Smile.
"Don't do it, Frank." Marjorie in gown, standing suddenly next to Jane. "You have your life ahead of you, she just wants to have you trapped with her in a comatose Limbo."
"Jane wouldn't do that." He noted.
"Aww, Frank." Jane beamed. "But I might…I wasn't a saint you know."
He blinked…Both women gone again.
Wasn't? He hurried to phone and dialed.
"Hello, LA General…Is this the…Yes, thanks, this is Lieutenant Drebbin. Is my wife…?"
"It's that Drebbin with the wife in 121 again. Another bad dream, I'd guess." The short pleasant nurse from earlier, on phone, covering, turns to the blonde pregnant nurse who'd been considering that really Mike wasn't so bad all-in-all.
Maybe if they took up an exciting hobby or she finally got him to get that online prescription for generic Viagra…
"She's still kickin', isn't she?" the first nurse asked, still covering phone. "Just a minute, Mr. Drebbin."
"She was four minutes ago." The blonde eyed a monitor feed. "Yeah, still kickin'."
"Your wife is fine, Officer Drebbin. Don't worry." The first nurse noted soothingly to phone. "No, that's fine. We're keeping a very careful eye on her. She was checked directly just a few minutes ago and her monitor says she still just fine. Ok…Ok…Ok…it's fine. Good night, sir." She hung up.
"Kinda sweet the way he calls…Though I thought tonight he was going for that chick in the gown who iced the phony doctor and that guard." She noted to her companion.
"She was cute…Sorry, Thelma." The blonde noted.
"Eh, he's cute but who knows when the wife will croak. She might even recover. And I'm not sure if I'd want to go with an older cop anyway. Besides, the way he keeps unplugging her stuff, it's like he may have some buried hate for women or some crap like that." Shrug.
"Pity it looks like Dr. Collins is probably dead even if the cops couldn't find his body…" she sighed. "I did have some hopes there…At least maybe a one-nighter sometime. He was having some trouble with the wife, and I think I was a good candidate for sympathetic ear/quickie fuck. Oh…" she eyed her downcast companion. "Sorry, I forgot Harvey was probably iced as well." Pat. "But Mike really is a good guy."
I oughta know, she thought, offering sweet smile…
…
Phew…A relieved Frank hung up the phone. Jane's ok. This wasn't some spirit message jerking me around as her spirit left Earth.
But…Clearly, I've got some issues going on. I almost wish Marjorie wasn't coming along tomorrow…Well, today, in seven hours, he eyed the clock on the kitchen wall.
Just have to buck up and make the best of it. Probably for the best, chance to prove yourself, Drebbin. Just remember Jane…And this dream…And treat Ms. Bailey like tje colleague…Well, like the superior she is. He moved to the living room, taking a seat and turning on the wall TV.
Hmmn…"Forbidden Planet" is on? He stared at the TV listings displayed on the screen.
Odd, I think I know this one. Supposed to be pretty good.
…
