"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'..."

Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.

Of course, Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...

Part XXIV…

Clinic of Dr. Liu Liao, a trained neurologist in the Western tradition but also an expert practitioner of Chinese medicine…In Oakland, CA.

"And you say, Doctor, no one has shown here asking to see your records or seeming at all suspicious?" Marjorie addressed Dr. Liu, a handsome, slightly greying man of medium height, in his fifties.

"Only you folks, landing a helicopter in my parking lot." The doctor noted with a frown.

"But if it is about my patient, Mrs. Hocken, as Captain Hocken says, I'm happy to help." He noted. "How is Edna, Captain?"

"Better, we hope, doc." Hocken nodded.

"I understand you practiced Chinese medicine with Mrs. Hocken, but you also did perform some standard neurological tests?" Marjorie asked.

"Oh, yes." Nod. "I embrace all traditions of medicine, ma'am. From East to West, it's all good. I had her referred for MRIs and CAT scans and the results matched what I saw in her records from Drs. Beck, Unger, Bailey, Evarson, Barton…There was some physical deterioration, suggesting a possible tumor, possibly multiple ones. I recommended surgery and that she return to Dr. Beck for the referral, as he's one…"

"Was, doc…" Frank cut in.

"Was?"

"Afraid so, doc…But not worth mourning, his noble career was a lie." Ed noted.

"Really? That's unbelievable. He had a distinguished record." Dr. Liu shook head.

"A lot of Germans did…Before they crossed over to the dark side." Frank noted. Eyes narrowing… "You weren't in fact born in Germany or that other place…?"

Ed and Marjorie staring at Frank…

"If you mean Austria and not Japan, I commend your amazing lack of prejudice, sir." Dr. Liu smiled. "But no, I was born right here in the good old USA of second-generation Chinese-Americans. Nebraska, actually."

"But why didn't Edna tell me you agreed with Dr. Grey Owl?" Ed cut in. Frank peering into the other room, Dr. Liu's tradition Chinese medicine room, storing his supply of herbs and equipment.

"'Grey Owl'? You don't mean Lucas Morene?" Dr. Liu eyed him. "And the reason's simple, Ed. She asked me not to tell you but go ahead with my Chinese treatments. Frankly I knew it wouldn't help her, but she wanted to give it a shot and thought it would comfort you."

"What? Why didn't she want to get surgery?" Hocken asked.

"She feared the expense would needlessly ruin you and your family with no return…And to be honest, I couldn't promise it would help."

"Doctor…" Marjorie asked . "We've seen some evidence…"

"Hhhh…Hhhh…Ka-choo!" Frank offered a tremendous sneeze, having opened several drawers of herbs while looking about in the room. Hmmn…He eyed the material now on his hands and clothing.

"Bless you…You might want to not handle all those herbs, Officer Drebbin, some are pretty powerful and can be absorbed through the skin…There can be allergic reactions especially if you've never used some before…" the doctor cautioned.

"No problem, doc…" Frank closing drawer… "What's the white silk like spider webs, if I may ask?"

"Just that…" the doctor called. "Spiders' webs are very popular in some Eastern cultures." He explained to Ed and Marjorie in his office. "I'm not convinced myself but some of my patients won't try Western medicine until they feel…"

Frank anxiously trying to rub the webs off…Eehew…

And concealing hand swelled to three times its size…His eyes bulging at the sight.

Then just…Bulging…

Arrgh…He gasped, staggering to the door…

"Frank?" Marjorie, staring… "Whoa…" Ed stared.

Frank nervously turning to mirror to see his eyes gigantically enlarged ala Warren Oates' in the Outer Limits. Ahhh! Raising hand and staring in shock at the hugely enlarged hand…

"Help me, help me! Ohhh…!" looking from the mirror backdrop rather like David Hedison in "The Fly"'s last scene.

"Hmmn…Interesting…" Dr. Liu eyed Frank. "Let me give you an anti-histamine for that."

"Hey, kid…You…" lil' Kim had, with two bodyguards come down to Goebbels-Banner's row in the Smirk plane, as things quieted once Smirk had finished his "introduction"/ what most considered a desperate attempt at stand-up .

Uh…" Yeah…Hi." Goebbels-Banner eyed him and his men. "Nice to …"

"Enough with the chitchat, kid. And don't bother with flattery, I have a whole country of terrified sycophants for that." Lil' Kim noted, pausing.

:"What's with you westerners and your manners?" he asked. "'Why, have yourself a seat, right there pardner, Kim.'?" He eyed Goebbels-Banner.

"Have a seat, please…" Goebbels-Banner indicated seat.

"Don't mind if I do and you better not." Lil' Kim noted taking seat next to Gobbels-Banner.

"Ok, so I got one question for you to answer…Immediately. Is this crap for real?" lil' Kim eyed him.

"It's for real…It works." Goebbels-Banner nodded.

"Well, I'll be damned." Lil' Kim shook head. "Not that I'd let that happen, but…Damn. And you boys can really put Crumpf in that hottie Wilson's skull?"

"It's already been done with others. It's a matter of getting our hands on her, so long as Crumpf's brain is saved."

"And you boys got it…Crumpf's brain, in a jar at the Lair?" lil' Kim regarded him.

"Anything to drink gentlemen?" a woman dressed as a stewardess had come to them…Pausing as Kim's guards frisked her.

"Just a precaution, sweetheart." Lil' Kim regarded her. "Aren't you a cute one?" he smiled at the blonde.

"I'll have two Sam Adams'…Winterfest." He told her. "Doctor?" he turned to Goebbels-Banner.

"The Chardonay, please. Thanks."

She nodded and left.

"In a containment system…" Goebbels-Banner noted. "Haven't seen him myself yet but Dad said they managed the extraction just fine and it was in safe temporary stasis en route to the Lair, last time I spoke with the staff there."

"Well, well…" Lil' Kim nodded. "I hear you're also doing great things with drugs, doc. We might have a place for you in NK. Good pay, we'd let a million children starve before you'd miss a meal, dames, brainwashed or just desperate to survive, and any equipment you need we have or can get. Think it over…Assuming this little presentation goes well." He smiled. "But I have a feeling about you. I think you boys actually managed it." Nod. "God, I might consider that route myself once I see for sure it works. So you say it's been done? How many times?"

"Four, that I know of…" Goebbels-Banner noted.

"Nice…Ah, thanks, babe." Lil' Kim took one bottle from the returned woman steward, a guard the other. "Can't be too careful, no offense, sister." He smiled at her. "Doc? Bottoms up." After the guard tasted and nodded approval. Goebbels-Banner raising his glass in unison.

"To the man who made this all possible…" lil' Kim noted. "Your dad."

"Thanks. To Dad." Goebbels-Banner drank.

"Ok…We'll talk again on the Lair, kid. Good to speak to you." Lil' Kim nodded, rising.

"Hey, flunkey." He frowned at the approaching Ho who frowned back.

"Kim does his business direct. Tell your boss he should try it sometimes." Glare…Guards beside him.

"He just may…In your capital." Ho noted.

"Boys…" Smirk had come down to the passengers, greeting a couple personally. "Lets keep it friendly. We're all in this together."

"Sure…It's cool, Aaron." Lil' Kim noted. "Lets back to our seats, fellas,girlie…" he noted to his guards, including one young athletic, quite attractive, woman.

He nodding at her to Goebbels-Banner…She's the one…Slight smile.

"Man is a teacup pig only not cute." Ho noted to Goebbels-Banner. "Mind if I?"

"Sure…" he nodded. Ho nodding and taking seat.

"If you've come to ask…Does it work? Yes." Goebbels-Banner nodded.

"We know it works. I saw the test subject you fellas sent back to us with our 'returned' agents. Nice job. She's one of the President's mistresses now. Guess she/he finds it better than janitorial work." Ho eyed him.

"Can't claim credit, sir." Goebbels-Banner shrugged.

"Ok…But you're Banner-Goebbels' boy…Cute with the name change by the way…And I might like having a friend close to the throne. You capuche?"

"I do…Though …"

"Sure, you're loyal to Dad and the great Leader, I get that…I've read your files, son." Ho nodded

"Nice to know I merit the People's Republic's attention…" Goebbels-Banner smiled.

"Hell, that janitor had a file before he became our former agent or she became him, I guess. Bit confusing there." Ho noted. "Just be willing to pass what I say right onto the old man, your dad and the crazy one, your Leader, ok? And yeah, I know you've said he's crazy to your old man before. Last time was three weeks ago, three pm, in person. Don't ask, I just know."

"Ok…" shrug. "I'll send anything you say right on to Dad."

"Great. You'll find me suitably grateful. Have a nice flight, doctor." Ho rose, bowing to him slightly. Passing a beaming Smirk as he stepped out of the row. Smirk briefly nodding to him, shaking hand.

"Well, aren't we Dr. Popular tonight?" Smirk came over to Goebbels-Banner. "They all wanna move to new bodies or just ready to surrender to the Leader?"

"They want to know it works, Aaron. Though the Chinese know it does, but I think Ho might be…"

"He is…" Smirk nodded. "Thanks to your dad's little calling card the Chinese won't trust him on his return and he'll be terminated as a precaution. Wise policy, I'd say." Smile. "So, he wants a deal, direct. I'd tell Banner to consider it, Ho could be useful with his contacts."

"I'll mention it."

"You do that." Smirk nodded. "I want you to know, Mike. No hard feelings about Banner getting the Deputy Fuhrer-ship. I wouldn't have been happy as Number two. I prefer to be my own boss and will be happy to rule the rest of the Solar System while Crumpf/Willie rules Earth…" nod.

"Thanks…" Goebbels-Banner nodded.

Meaning he'd like to gut and mount Dad for screwing him. Well, seems money isn't everything.

"So, uh…From what you know…" Smirk paused. "Crumpf/Willie? She/he will like girls or guys?"

"Ummn…Well…Sexuality is a spectrum…" Goebbels-Banner eyed him. "Of course the body does influence…Her hormones will incline her/him."

"Great…" Smirk beamed.

Uh-boy…Goebbels-Banner eyed the beaming face.

"I thought you were kinda sweet on that other girl. The singer who got Crumpf hot and bothered…"

"Oh, yeah…Well, I might wanna talk to you there, depending on how open-minded Willie/Crumpf is. He's always been good with open marriages, I understand…And I hear you folks are very good with certain mind-destroying drugs that might cause a young bitch to reconsider my offer of putting a kid in her? Though if Willie/Crumpf decides she/he wants the monogamy scene, once Danny's six feet under, I guess I could consider…She's pretty hot herself, you know."

Uh-boy…And I thought our plan was insane.