"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'..."

Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.

Of course, Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...

Part LIV…

The Lair, main reception room…Banner, returned, circulating among the guests.

"Deputy Leader? A word?" Matisse, coming to him…Various guests eyeing the two as Banner nonchalantly nodded and walked with him.

Smirk watching intently, while chatting up…Bragging to…Others, as did lil' Kim, in his case taking reports of the People's Utter Devotion (or else) back home and chatting up his increasingly nervous potential host(ess)…And others, including several Old Nazis, Minister Ho, Salamanica, Novotny, MBI, Washington-Smith…

Though not Congresswomen Lake Perry and Pea Yellow, currently each rendered comatose in their respective rooms, under staff observation, awaiting brain transplants from trusted agent volunteers.

Hey, they may be ours but come on, they're idiots as well as nobodies anyone would miss except to be shocked by the sudden improvement in their mentality. Time to upgrade now that the process is proven and the New Order is at hand, per order of the Deputy Leader.

What's up? Much prefer to see those two at odds than united, being the general feeling among those present back in the reception hall.

"Any word from the good doctor Morene?" Matisse, quietly, as he and Banner reached a quiet spot, reasonably far away from other guests.

"Alls proceeding as I said. He's secured Drebbin for the next phase."

"Good…" hesitant.

"But…?" Banner eyed his rival/colleague.

"Banner, if I may…?" Banner nodding… I'm a no-titles kinda guy.

"Have you considered what happens if we succeed and Crumpf becomes President Wilson?"

"We rule the world." Banner shrugged. "Even Putinsky will have to submit. And Ho is only here because the Chinese know they'll have to deal."

"Yes, certainly…But when Crumpf is a woman…A black woman…?" Matisse eyeing Banner steadily.

"It's still Crumpf, my friend. And we have evolved a bit, so I hope." Smile. "If that's bothering you…"

"I'm not referring to racist stereotypes, Banner." Matisse, calmly. "When crowds of those who hated him cheer her/him and he for once has popular support in his/her favor, who's to say what he/she'll do?"

"I hardly think Crumpf'll turn into a contented democratic leader, Matisse."

"Probably not. But we know him. He/she'll relish the adulation. Even from those who hated him as Crumpf. And what will we mean to her/him then? A bunch of Nazis and racists and international criminals who could pose an embarrassment, even a threat?"

"We're useful to him. He/she can't run the US without controlling the bureaucracy. She/he can't just dissolve Congress, the courts, and the administration. He/she will need loyal followers to infiltrate the government. Including the state governments, in due course."

"Perhaps…But will we be the ones she/he turns to?" Matisse, a bit urgently. "He/she could easily dispel doubts about who she/he is or her/his views to anyone suspicious of her by dispatching, or allowing the dispatch of, a number of us."

Ah…He's genuinely nervous.

As he should be, perhaps. And he seems to have guessed my plan to ger rid of the deadwood.

"For all truly useful, Eric…There will always be a place." Banner smiled. "And I assure you, my friend, you are quite valuable."

Narrow look from Matisse…

So, going to make me beg for it?

"Always good to know." He noted, calmly. "But I am neither a coward nor a fool, Banner. And I value the expertise, knowledge, and dedication of a number of our fellows."

"As do I, Eric. And as the Leader does."

"Banner…Let us be frank. Crumpf values Crumpf…He's been invaluable to our Cause but he is, and has always been, mainly out for himself. If he sees a chance to win true popularity and thinks he is safer without us, even most of us…Your schemes will not matter."

"Eric, you skirt the border of treason." Calm smile.

"I prefer to call it common sense, Banner. We needed a populist megalomaniac who could impress the ignorant and the desperate as well as the bigots and fools, yet was under obligation to our members, namely Putinsky and some of our wealthiest. But Crumpf chaffs under any obligation and like any dictator, particularly Stalin but any, he resents anyone who knows him well, who knew him before he became a god. He'll dispense with us, over time. You must be aware of that."

"With those he can't make use of, or who challenge him, probably." Banner smiled. "For example, I fear friends Smirk and lil' Kim, even President Putinsky, may have a very limited shelf life…" looking over to where Smirk stood, with 'lil Kim, eyeing them. He waved, smiling.

"Regrettable, but I am still more concerned with our own people. The true devoted, not these greedy hangers-on."

"Eric, Crumpf will need loyalists, and he is a Nazi however narcissistic, who wishes to triumph as a Nazi, in the footsteps of Hitler, whatever accommodations to the present he must make. Have no fear. He'll take care of our friends."

Matisse frowning at him…

"Well…Sorry, poor choice of words. He will need them, they'll be all right." Banner nodded.

You see too many American film noirs, Matisse, he thought.

Of course, you may find yourself a trash collector or minor government official…But we will need people with firm loyalties and I must admit you are one such, to the Cause at least.

"And if our Leader decides to dispense with your services, Deputy Leader? Given as we agree, he resents those who know too much about him or don't view him simply as a God…Goddess?"

"I place my fate in his/her hands. No sacrifice is too great for the Cause, Eric, no?" nod.

Oh, blow it out your saddlebags…Matisse thought grimly, nodding. While you have indeed always been a devoted Crumpfer, clearly you have something up your sleeve to protect yourself.

Meanwhile, in a rather unusual display of initative, Fred Jr. had slipped into the main lab, with Evita. Dr. Mabuse a bit discomfited to find them prowling but given they were the children of the Leader, slightly grudgingly giving them the guided tour and access to the Brain while awaiting a chance to alert the Deputy Leader.

Not that there were orders to keep them away, per se. Just, clearly the Deputy Leader preferred to avoid others having free access to the Leader and especially disliked…Surprises.

Still, as Fred Jr. had explained, it was time to acquaint Dad with the news of Derke's death to allow him a proper chance to mourn…Solemn tone. Mabuse earnestly repressing giggle, this one sincere…Crumpf, mourn? Maybe a lost deal worth much, or a lost cheeseburger but a mere son? Oh, what do you two take me for? You clearly want to put your oar in with dear old Dad before he ascends to god/goddesshood.

Not exactly something the Deputy Leader will be pleased about. However, it does allow us to complete our agenda for Plan C…Repressed giggle…Ahead of schedule.

Daddy? Mourn? Evita rolling eyes at Fred Jr. The mad perv doc there may nod but there's no way he buys that crap.

"Dad?" Fred Jr. spoke up as Mabuse indicated the comm system was active.

"Who's there?" the extremely discomfiting loose eyes visible in their tube sockets in the tank regarding the visitors.

Quick, before I hurl my dinner…Evita thought.

"It's me, Dad. Fred." Fred Jr. addressed a microphone, Mabuse had handed him.

"You got cheeseburgers for me? Sex? Or that Drebbin?" rumbling voice on speaker.

"The doctor'll see you get some…Stuff… In a min, Dad. As for Drebbin…Well, soon."

"Soon?! I want now! Gimme the head of Frank Drebbin!" cry.

"I'm here too, Daddy." Evita hastily noting with frown at Fred Jr.

Don't ever leave me out in these things, little brother.

"Evita?! Where's my cheeseburgers! And why isn't Drebbin here, alive or dead?!"

"Coming right up with the cheeseburgers, Leader." Mabuse called, pressing buttons.

Mmphf. Mmphf… "Good, good! More, more, more! Mmphf, mmphf…!"

"Dad, we have some news." Fred Jr. tried.

"Mmphf…Shut da fuck up! Eatin'!"

"Daddy…"

"Mmphf, fine. It betta be important!"

Probably not …She thought. "Derke's dead." She explained.

Hey, I wanted to tell Dad…Fred Jr. frowned.

"What? Hey, where's more cheeseburgers?! Good, good." Sounds like gobbling and chewing from speaker.

"Dad, Derke, my brother and your oldest is dead. He died while he and Banner were together in LA trying to get a line on President Wilson and Frank Drebbin." Fred explained.

"Drebbin, again!? Where is he?! He betta be dead, or…!"

"Morene's got him, Dad. All part of the Plan." Fred Jr. called.

"F-the Plan! I want that guy DEAD! I want his family, DEAD! I want his pets, DEAD, if he got any. I want the journalists writin' about him, DEAD! You get me, punk?!" cry of rage.

"Yeah, but Dad…? He's a key piece in the Plan to secure President Wilson, for you."

The eyes locked on Fred Jr. who blanched a bit.

"Whatsda matta, punk? You don't like what ya see? What do ya see, get a mirror one of yas!"

"Daddy…" Evita cautioned.

"I would not recommend that, Leader." Mabuse, giggling nervously.

"Dad, it's really not your best look." Fred Jr. noted.

"Fine…So, they're getting that dame for me? And Drebbin is part of it?!"

"A part, Dad. So Steve tells us." Fred Jr. nodded.

"Maybe we should tell Steve to let us run this, Daddy?" Evita suggested.

"You? You two punk idiots?! No, no goddamn way! Leave it to Steve!" the voice cried.

"Fine…Damn…" Evita mumbled.

"What?!"

"I said, fine, Daddy!" she called.

"Ok. But Drebbin dies soon as Steve gets the new me. Make sure of that, Fred, you punk!"

"Check, Dad." Fred Jr., nodding.

"Now, get lost! Evita, you stay a min."

"But, Dad…About Derke…?" Fred Jr. tried.

"Who gives a f-?! Build a statue and set up a tombstone in Crumpfland. Don't bother me with that loser. Now, get lost and tell Steve what I said about Drebbin!"

"Ok, Dad." Fred Jr., sighing. Trudging out.

"Daddy…" a pleased Evita trying to avoid looking at the tank and those eyes. "Should I have Dr. Mabuse go too?"

"No. I want him here. Mabuse, you f-ing mad scientist, you stay, got that?!"

"Oh…Most certainly, Leader." Giggle.

"Daddy?" Evita, a bit nervous now.

"Evita…While I'm gettin' set up in the Wilson bit…Well, given she'll be me, dame…You gotta run the empire. Fred's a moron and Derke wasn't much better and he's gone and got dead, idiot."

"Oh? Sure, Daddy. But you know, the government took over most of your assets, even all the hocked or foreclosed stuff." She noted. "And Putinsky's operatives took what they could grab."

Not noticing the eyes were mostly regarding Mabuse, who'd stepped back but was at a panel taking readings.

"That Russkie sob…After all I did for him. But I'll take carea him soon enough. Well, whatever's left till I take it all and everything else, back. Mine, all mine! But I'll hafta play it a little cool for a year, Steve says. Till we get our guys in place all over."

"I think that would be right, Daddy."

"You telling me what to think, girly?" the voice grim.

"No, Daddy."

"Right. Just do like I tell ya and you let your husband, that idiot, run things with ya. I'll want reports."

"Oh, I'll be glad to…"

"You?! Screw dat! Don't think cause I'm gonna be a dame I'll trust 'em wid anything! You just make sure that husband of yours toes my line. And, get 'em to me. He can make the reports. You just make sure he does."

"Sure…" sigh.

Well, at least that means the work'll be for me, even if the presentations go to Carl…Damn.

On the other hand, if things keep getting worse in what's left of the Crumpf Empire, I might not want to be the one to deliver bad news.

"Those idiots here? Smirk, Salamanica, Putinsky? The Chinks? Fat lil' Kim?"

"All here, Daddy." She nodded.

"Good. We'll need em all for now, then we dump 'em. President Wilson finds Smirk guilty of treason, we have Kim smeared by Seal 6, crap like that. Good, huh?"

"Great, Daddy. You can't trust any of them."

"I don't trust nobody, girlie."

"Well…Then, maybe you shouldn't trust Steve so much? He being not family." Hopeful tone.

"Shut up. Steve knows where the bodies are and we need the bodies…The brains, anyway…And he's been running things right. No changes, for now, girlie. I'll decide when Steve is done, get me?! You get me, girlie?!"

"Sure, Daddy." Sigh.

Mabuse nodding to the eyes from his place at the controls…All readings complete.

"Ok, get lost. I'm tired. You're looking good, girlie. I still would date you even if you weren't my daughter. But, I'm gonna be a dame and I don't go lesbo. Get out."

"Yes, Daddy." She backed away and turned.

"Doctor?" she eyed Mabuse.

"Oh, it just a moment, Miss. I must see everything is set for the night and place the Leader in stasis for the night. I'll be right along." Giggle, giggle.

O…K, perv. Just you remember who is…Urggh…Daddy's little girl. She headed out, the automatic doors sealing behind her.

"Well?" Crumpf's voice over speakers.

"Just fine, if required, sir. There would be no problems." Mabuse, giggling again.

"Ok, good. Let Steve know. More cheeseburgers and sex before I go to sleep, Mabuse."

"Certainly, my Leader."

"Kinda takes datin' to a whole new level…If dere's any trouble with Plan B." the voice chuckles.

Ok, Nazi in poor but fit-looking victim to the front of me…Frank eyed Phyllis/Otto who watched him grimly. Tough old Nazi (elderly, but such a wicked old Hitler bitch I don't care, and not much older than me anyway) to the left of me, he eyed Evelyn now seated about two feet from him on the bench, to his left. And pretty fit mercenary to the right of me…Eyeing Hector about two feet to his right on the bench.

Ok…I've handled worse in my day. And this is for the woman I love and the woman who would love to love me (ok, whom I am attracted to, no offense, honey, Marjorie is a great person, you'd love her. And at least it's not Edna.).

Just gotta figure out how to work…My way…Out…Of these snaps. Ok, relax…Let that tension fade and…No good these plastic things don't allow that trick.

Wait a mo…There's an edge here…And plastic, cuts. Just gotta rub a bit, while looking natural. Maybe a bit of discussion with Evelyn here to keep her off-balance.

"So, you nazi filth…" he turned to her. "You're thinking of stealing my wife's body."

Lord, we're supposed to make this not look too easy, Hector thought, rolling eyes as he eyed Frank's efforts to saw through the snaps, quite visible to him as Drebbin turned to face Evelyn.

You know it wasn't that I really disliked the guy, Phyllis/Otto, a bit too preoccupied thinking on Phyllis', or really just his, ex-

And they were nice kids. But duty to the Cause is duty to…

"One man's filth is another dedicated follower's pride, Mr. Drebbin…" Evelyn calmly replying to Frank, slight glance to Hector who gave slightest of nods as Frank tried to carefully continue sawing away at his bonds.

I mean maybe, when all this is over…Phyllis/Otto considered. Though I'd really prefer to go on to medical school, which would make sense.

Hey, I could possibly use that as an excuse about my affair with Morene…I thought Henry wouldn't understand my ambition and…

I think he'd take me, her back in a flash if I explained things right and keep my politics to myself, for the kids' sake at least. And I know I could make him happy, I've been reading her diaries…

I mean, we small fry who won't be much in the greater scheme of things have to live our lives too, she/he thought.

What's she. or rather, he, suddenly so pleased about? Frank thought eyeing Phyllis/Otto smiling to her/him-self.

Ooops, gotta keep these other two distracted…As I cleverly saw away.

"Yeah, well. Hitler lost and you rats will too." he tried again with Evelyn.

"I think otherwise, Mr. Drebbin. But no need for insults, you swinehund American pinko weakling." She smiled serenely.

If only I could just cut his throat now…But, orders are orders.

And if with luck, I might fool him later as one of his ladies, fuck him good, then cut his #$ $ communist dog's throat. That would be very appealing…Smile at Drebbin.