"The partially, nearly Naked Gun 3 : 'They Saved Crumpf's Brain'..."
Summary: Frank Drebbin is out of retirement and on the case when he learns the fanatical former president and loser candidate Fred Crumpf may not be quite as dead as he left him and he and/or his crazies including his family threaten the newly elected President Woodrowmina Wilson.
Of course, Nordberg is no longer on the squad because of, well, we never talk about that...
Part LII…
The main lab on the Lair…
"Sos, Morene's on his way?" the loudspeaker only amplifying the most annoying qualities of Crumpf's high pitched voice.
"Yes, sir." Banner, eyeing the brain in the huge wall tank, as its' "eyes" on stalks focused on him, replied. "He's taking the safe route to Canada from LA first…"
"Canada?! #$% I'll get them bastards for what they call me! I'll get em all! Tariffs, nukes! Steve, go kick that Trudeau's ass!"
"Sir, I'm here in the lab. And I'd be arrested if I went to Canada before I could get near…"
"You f-ing loser!" scream from the loudspeaker. "You're…!"
"If I go the man in charge is Fred Jr. Sir." Banner, quietly.
Quiet for a long moment.
"F-…Fine, stay. But I wants yas to kick his ass when I'm Wilson. I'll have you snuck in or make him come to DC. Then yous prove yer loyalty to me."
As if I haven't for the past ten years…? Banner thought. Still, he'll have forgotten about this one by tomorrow. Given his nature and Trudeau's looks, he/she will far more likely want to sleep with him.
"Of course, sir. Glad to."
"Maybe he'll kick yer ass. Heh, heh. You are fat as a hog and I bet you couldn't take even Fred Jr or Evita." Chuckle. "Not to mention, me." Grim tone.
"Right. Sir." Banner, nodding.
"Just kickin' you in the fat covered ribs, fatboy. Heh, heh! So Morene'll be here to help Mabuse with the transplant? Cause I ain't sure I trust that gigglin' loon even if he did get me here safe."
"Yes, sir." Banner nodded. "Morene will be here tomorrow afternoon unless he has to delay."
"F- him if he does, the little nobody! These docs and 'scientists' think they're better and smarter than me? Well, I could everything they do better! And I didn't waste time in docta school! Military school, that's my Vietnaime!"
"Yes, sir." Repressing sigh.
"Though only losers go off to fight, morons. I was too important."
"Right, sir."
"Hey, I wanna see another pic of the bitch. Put her on the screen." The voice ordered.
Banner pressed buttons, a giant TV screen lit up. A few more clicks and an image of President Wilson was on the screen.
"Not all that bad. I could grab her pu*y. But her dickhead husband's gotta go."
"Sir, we've been over this. You have to seem to be President Wilson for a short time until we're securely in power. You agreed…"
"Ok, ok. That's fine…He's not bad lookin', And if I can stand f-ing around with Netanyahu, I can f-k another Jew for a coupla weeks." Crumpf noted. "But then I get to start grabbin' guys by the…"
Lab phone buzzing…Banner pressed a button. "Yes, Banner here."
"I want dat on speaker!" Crumpt's voice.
"Of course, sir." Banner pressing buttons.
"Mabuse here…" on speakerphone. "We are ready to proceed with the congresswomen…Hee. They are unconscious and in stasis and their donors are being prepped now. Shall we continue?"
"Mabuse! This is da Leader! You take orders from me!"
"Certainly, Mr. Crumpf…" desperately repressing nervous giggle.
"Ok, den. Go ahead and put a couple of our guys in, dose dames are too stupid to live." The loudspeaker blared.
"Yes, Leader."
"Wait a minute…" the loudspeaker again. "Deys guys are gonna follow orders, right? I don't want no smartasses givin' me trouble."
"Of course, mein Leader, they are utterly loyal but intelligent enough to be effective for the Cause." Mabuse's voice. "An improvement for certain on their current mental state, not to mention morality."
"Screw da Cause, and what's dis about 'morality', I want em loyal to me!"
"Sir, they're completely loyal. We just mean in their personal moral behavior." Banner cut in. "And you approved…"
"Shutup! Mabuse?!"
"We've no reason to doubt their loyalty, sir." Mabuse's voice, gently.
"Who's dey again? Banner?"
"Freidrich and Daphne, sir. Both vetted as completely loyal. Long dedicated to you."
"Hmmn. Why we gotta put them in anyway? Oh, right the girls in there are too stooped to live."
"Well, our conclusion was they had served their purpose sir and were becoming an embarrassment." Banner noted. "With you needing to move quickly to consolidate your power, able controlled assistants in Congress would be useful. Not to mention they'll be a distraction when they start acting rationally."
"All right. I guess I won't want dames when I'm in Wilson. Or will I? Steve?"
"Dr. Mabuse is more qualified to answer that, sir." Banner noted.
Ummn…Mabuse in surgical gown in the operating room of the lab complex, a bit nervous.
How to handle this one? And thanks loads, Banner.
"Well, sir. It is hard to say exactly but so far results have been mixed as to sexual preference changes." Slight giggle, desperately repressed.
"I don't wanna be no lesbo, Mabuse!"
"Well, with perhaps some extra hormone treatments to the brain…We can assure that your preference will be for males, sir."
"Don't know if I like that either. I'd be gay?"
"No, not by your physical gender, sir. We discussed this in detail." Mabuse tried.
"Ok, what da hell…But if anyone makes fun of me…" grim tone. "When da girls are done, send em to me. I wanna speak wid em."
"Yes, they would be able to provide some insight…" Mabuse noted.
"Shudup and send 'em! Steve, let me know when Morene gets here. He's gonna handle my transplant to Wilson, not dis giggler."
Nice…Mabuse frowned as his assistants eyed each other over the bodies of the said congresswomen. Let the Montelban clone handle his glop. Safer for me in any case, if poor thanks for my brilliance in saving him from the plane incident with Drebbin.
…
"Mabuse? Don't let it bother you, the Leader's busy with our various plans. Your efforts are appreciated always." Banner, engaging in damage control/placation, as he left the lab, the brain now in sleep mode.
One never knows when one might want a transplant surgeon to handle one's own brain transplant, after all. And Morene might not make it yet, as it goes.
"And of course you may yet need to perform the final transplant…" he finished to phone.
"Certainly, Deputy Leader, I understand, of course." Mabuse's reply on phone. "We are ready to begin the transplants here unless you wish us to hold till you arrive?"
"No, proceed. I'll be in asap. I have some calls to make enroute. Be there soon as I can. Banner out."
Hmmn, Mabuse pondered. I wonder, to myself of course only, sometimes why Banner puts up with Crumpf, especially now. But he has his crazed American followers, plus the old Nazis respect hierarchy. Hard to buck that. Even his mom wouldn't like to see him defy the order of things.
But mine ist not to question why, mein is but to move the brains around…He waved to his assistants.
"Do we mean to preserve these two?" an assistant asked, indicating the unconscious congresswomen.
"For now, yes. It's always good to have an unnecessary brain to experiment on and monitor." Mabuse noted. "And no one's likely to miss these two, even if their bodies weren't to return seemingly normal." He and his assistants smiling, with giggles on his part.
"Normal? The American Congress and media are going to be shocked when these two jump fifty points in IQ." Another assistant noted, with grin.
…
Conference room at the Department of Presidential Security
On videophone, the lovely, if a bit worn by her sufferings, Edna Hocken, seated at a table in dark suit.
Around the videophone hookup, at table, Marjorie, Frank, Ed, Jeremy, Sinclair, and other agents.
"So, we know Morene reached LA but he did not take a direct flight out. We've either stopped and searched, or determined any flights out to the Pacific even if not direct to Hawaii in the time range and checked all passengers. That's left flights to Canada, Mexico, or Latin America south. Most we've now ruled out but there are several flights yet being checked."
"I'd like to be there if we figure which one Morene's on." Ed noted. "I owe him more pain than that guy who looks me in 'Mirage' gave to Gregory Peck. And he was a bad guy. I'd have right on my fist's side." Grimly balling fist.
"Ed…" Edna, fondly. "That's so sweet though I know part of it is to keep me from doing this."
"Well, you sure can't if Morene gets away." Ed noted. "They'd know you were a fake, if we could even find their base."
"Well, nothing's decided yet, Ed. But Mrs. Hocken, we truly appreciate your volunteering here." Marjorie nodded to the image on screen.
"Anything to have a chance to fight these sobs." Edna, firmly. "After what they did to me…And my Ed…My family, though we love all our kids!"
"Darned tooting!" Ed agreed.
"You sweet thing…" Edna beamed. "Oh…I'd love a chance to tear those freaks apart, rip out their guts! Twist off their…!"
Calming, all looked at her. "Sorry, the doc says the rage is a side effect." She noted, shrugging.
"Edna, I'd gladly help you." Ed nodded. "But I couldn't bear you getting hurt now I have you back."
"Not whole, Ed." Edna sighed. "Right, Ma'am?" she eyed Marjorie.
"Well…" Marjorie sighed.
"The treatment's temporarily patched some of the holes in your brain, right, doc?" Frank noted to the doctor by Edna on screen.
"Uh…Yes…More or less. Rerouted pathways, done some healing."
"If I'm gonna make a full recovery we need to find these Nazi bastards and their lab. Plus, there are others, that poor kid Terry, and the other agent you're missing and who knows who else." Edna sighed. "None of them have a chance unless we find these guys. And if I can help, I want the chance. To bite down on their Nazi dicks and …!" raging.
Uh… "Sorry, guys."
"Not at all, Edna…We'd all like to bite down on Nazi dicks." Frank noted.
Marjorie and Ed staring…Ummn…
"Director?!" Jeremy, monitoring phone lines to the field, summoned her. She rising from her chair to take phone.
"Yes? Yes? I see." Nod. "Well, very clever of the little bastard."
"So. she gets to swear…" Edna eyed Ed from the screen, a bit archly.
"Honey…"
"I know…I'm being trouble again." Sigh.
"Not at all, baby." Ed, gently.
"No, Edna. Compared to your insane threats to Ed and your constant sleeping around and pregnancies, this is nothing." Frank noted, nodding pleasantly.
Hmmn… She eyed him. "I'm still a bit vague on the sleeping around. We never…?"
"Not that I recall and I'm sure I'd recall it." Frank smiled.
"Gre..at." Edna nodded.
Ed, just a bit miffed at Frank for once.
Pal, if my Edna'd ever slept with you…You'd remember.
"Ed, baby…" she sighed now. Tearing up. "I feel so bad, sleepin' around like that with your enemies."
"Well, actually, we think it was mainly close friends and acquaintances, Edna." Frank, helpfully. "Plus, a number of random strangers. Maybe one or two of the elderly Nazi doctors who were murdered by their own people."
"Ok, fellas…Edna." Marjorie had returned. "We may have something. Morene thought he was being clever, but we may be able to use this to our advantage. He boarded a business flight to Vancouver, it's still in the air, a fairly slow prop job."
"Can we shoot it down?!" Ed, urgently. "Ed?" Edna, anxiously.
"Well, without hurting folks on board…"
"No, we don't think so. Especially if we don't wish to alert Morene." Marjorie noted. "But, we know now he's got our agent with him. Possibly drugged by the description the airport staff gave."
"So. we have someone to intercept them in Canada?" Frank asked.
"Yes, but maybe even better…" Marjorie noted, smiling. "He was a bit too clever when working for us, perhaps."
…
