Chapter 19: Terrifying Need
When we'd finally set down to rest, Smoke (mom) took off ahead to ensure Purdy would stay in the area. Meanwhile, Tawnypelt and Squirrelpaw were quick to pull me aside and ensure that we weren't being eaves dropped on. Finally, when they'd done their thorough check, they sat across from me.
"Are you alright?" Tawnypelt asked again.
"Kind of. Physically, I'm fine, but I'm not so sure mentally. I know I killed that dog, but it feels like it happened in a dream. It doesn't even feel real that I even did that." I stated, flexing those claws that tore apart the dog.
"You're just in shock. Killing something like that can have that effect." Tawnypelt dismissed.
"That's not what I meant. I mean, it didn't feel like I did that. It was like someone else was moving my paws, outsmarting that dog, reveling in the kill. At the same time, I remember it vividly. The world somehow lost all color. It felt suffocating. Everywhere I looked, there wasn't even the slightest hint of color. Black and gray, black and gray. It was maddening, but I knew of one color that pierces that veil. It is red, blood. I didn't just desire it. I needed it. I felt like if I didn't spill some soon, I'd have started tearing into myself. That dog, it was just a victim of my need. I don't think I killed it to save anyone. I killed it because I felt I needed to see blood. It's the same thing I see in my dreams, and I'm terrified that I'm going to snap and hurt someone." I explained, my voice rising in pitch as my own panic set in.
My breathing was ragged. It felt like the air was too hot. I couldn't breathe. I panted harder, trying to fill my lungs, but it still felt hot. I still felt like I was choking. Was I closed in somewhere? The edges of the garden felt too tight, like they'd moved closer together over the course of my explanation. They were going to close in on me! They were going to crush me! It was too much.
Then I felt a paw press against me, forcing me flat on the ground. I tried to fight it for a moment before they grabbed my scruff, triggering that kit like instinct to go limp. Then they spoke.
"Calm down Darkpaw. You're alright. Just take a deep breath and focus on me. You're having a panic attack. It'll get better. All you have to do is breathe with me. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Look only at me until you feel you can control yourself." Tawnypelt mewed, letting go of my scruff and sitting back down across from me.
I followed her instructions, breathing in as she did and exhaling when she did. At first, it felt impossible. The air was too thin. I needed more, but her firm gaze kept me from acting out. Instead, I breathed in, taking in as much air as I could. Then she exhaled, signaling for me to do so as well. This repeated a number of times until I felt the fog in my mind begin to lift. I felt my sense of self slip back into place, my panic forgotten as I was able to rationalize my situation. I'd just freaked out for almost no reason, and I felt embarrassed for having done so.
"Sorry about that. I should have been in better control of myself." I apologized.
"No need to apologize. You couldn't help it. A few cats in Shadowclan still get panic attacks about both Tigerstar and Brokenstar. I'm used to handling it. You didn't do anything wrong." Tawnypelt consoled.
It was then that Squirrelpaw pushed into my side with a worried expression. "Are you alright? Seeing you freak out like that scared me. The worst part was that I didn't have the slightest clue how to help, but Tawnypelt did. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you. I should have been. I'm your best friend. You always help me. It feels wrong that I can't help you."
"Has this happened to you before?" Tawnypelt queried.
"The panic attack or when I feel that need?" I responded, faintly feeling that tug of panic at the mere mention of the need.
"Whatever you're willing to discuss." Tawnypelt answered, keeping a calm tone that clearly showed she'd accept whatever answer I was willing to give.
I took a deep breath, centering myself and trying to push all that panic aside. I could do this. I could explain this. "I barely ever have dreams." I started to explain. "When I do, it's always with that need. I dream, no, that isn't quite the word. I remember. I remember the need pounding at the back of my mind, shading my world into that monotone, making everything a scarcely understandable mess of grays and blacks. The me who lived like that fell into a desperate cycle of seeking logic to suppress his desire and feeding the desire to keep himself from going mad. I've not been entirely honest. This… isn't my first life. Father figured it out first. The day I died, I was reborn as Darkkit, but who I was before was terrible. Please don't think ill of me. I'm trying not to be him, but he is still a part of me. I was once Scourge, the tyrant of Bloodclan, and I can still feel the alure of violence." My head had sunk low as I awaited chastisement or punishment for my admission.
Tawnypelt tilted her head, seemingly confused by my submissive behavior. "You don't look like Scourge to me. I don't see a dog tooth collar on your neck." She mewed.
I shook my head. "Didn't you hear me. I'm him reborn." I exclaimed.
"Hmm. Nope. You definitely aren't him. Scourge is all black with one white paw. You've got far too much white to be him. Not to mention, you're taller than he was." Tawnypelt dismissed, beginning to circle me. "Scourge also had a notched ear, but both yours are perfectly intact. You can't be him."
Squirrelpaw seemed to catch on and joined in on Tawnypelt's dismissal. "I knew you since we were kits, but Scourge fought dad before I was even born. Definitely not possible that you're him. I remember the elders' stories about Scourge. I remember how Smudgefoot described him. Scourge was a selfish cat who felt nothing at all. You're not selfish. Every time I got a mousebrained scheme, you tagged along to make sure I wouldn't get hurt, even when you knew you'd get in trouble. That doesn't sound like Scourge at all. No. You're Darkpaw, not Scourge."
I couldn't help sputtering. "But… I am him. I can remember everything." I mewed softly.
Tawnyplet mewed softly. "You may have Scourge's memories, but you aren't him. Even if you are his soul given new life, you aren't him. His life ended long ago. You are simply you, just as I am me. That's all a cat can be, ourselves. Don't let those memories haunt you. They aren't your guilt to bear. You didn't do any of that, despite how real it must feel."
I let them embrace me. I could only feel gratitude towards the pair for accepting me. My emotions had left me exhausted, so Tawnypelt postponed questioning me any further about my episode for now, seeing as I likely couldn't handle talking any more of the subject this night.