Hey, everyone! Here's another chapter of Ultimate Alliance What if...?! Let's begin!
I DON'T OWN ANYONE IN THIS SERIES!*
We see someone recording the nurse giving the mom their child. Turns out, the Mom is Darcy and the one recording and is the Dad is Howard the Duck.
Nurse: [holding the baby] Congratuations. [gives child to Darcy]
Howard The Duck: Oh, my God! Darcy, I'm kvelling. I am positively kvelling right now.
Darcy: [holding child] It looks just like me.
Howard The Duck: Hey! Look over here. Let me just get your eyes.
Darcy: No.
Howard The Duck: I wanna get the light on your eyes.
Darcy: Nine hours of labor.
Howard The Duck: It's so cinematic.
Darcy: I'm covered in sweat. This is not a good look.
Nurse: Oh. Would you like me to hold the camera?
Howard The Duck: Oh, that's perfect. [gives camera to nurse] Make sure you frame all three of us, please? [gets on bed with Darcy]
Darcy: Howard, it's our baby.
When she remove the blanket that's covering the child, it was reveal that Darcy gives birth to... An egg?
Darcy: Or it will be, right? When do you think this thing is gonna hatch?
Howard The Duck: I don't know. It's gonna hatch in... you know, uh... whatever the normal...
The camera then cuts to a blurry version of the Watcher.
Watcher: In an instant, Howard and Darcy the Duck's whole world changed. Little did they know their child was destined to change everyone else's too. Time. Space. Reality. It's more than a linear path. It's a prism of endless possibility, where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities, creating alternate worlds from the ones you know. I am the Watcher. Follow me and ponder the question... "What if?"
It then shows that we're returning to Party Prince Thor's universe.
Watcher: And to think a romance that could change the world, all began at a party. An intergalactic blowout thrown by the party prince of Asgard himself... that introduce Earth to the stars... and Howard the Duck to Darcy Lewis.
Then we see the moment where Howard the Duck ask Darcy out for nacho and ended up with them being married in Vagas.
Watcher: But Howard and Dracy's lives weren't the only ones changed by Thor's Migard rager. The party may have ended but the guest never left, as the worlds of Earth and the Cosmos became forever intertwined, just like Howard and Darcy.
It then shows the two putting their egg to bed while singing "I was made for lovin' you" by KISS, when...
Mrs. Switzler: Hey, enough! The '80s called, they want their song back.
Howard the Duck: [laughs] That's so funny. Or it would be, except for the fact that KISS wrote that song in '79! A-duh!
Darcy: Sorry, Mrs. Switzler, we're just trying to put the baby to sleep.
Mrs. Switzler: With what? Torture?
Howard the Duck: Hey, we worked really hard on those two-part harmonies!
Darcy: Okay. And I'm sure the baby loves them. [gasps] Look, look, look. See... fast asleep.
The two soon left quietly with the night light on. But, not to their knowing, the Watcher was part of the night light, watching the baby.
Darcy: [she and Howard drinking] [sighs in relief] Will you look at us... nesting?
Howard the Duck: Well, we are the The Ducks. I guess that tracks.
Then there was someone at the door. When they opened it, it was Topaz, telling them...
Topaz: You've been served...
Darcy: What?
Howard The Duck: What? No. Those charges were dropped.
Topaz: [pulls out tickest] With two tickets. All expenses paid to the Grandmaster's Grand Cruise Across the Stars.
Howard The Duck: [takes ticket] Hello.
Darcy: Wait! For us.
Topaz: Targeting advertising.
Darcy: Oh. [takes ticket]
Topaz: It'll be an experience you'll never forget.
The next day, the two are in line to get on the cruise.
Darcy: [gasps] Howard, have you seen this itinerary? Couples cliff diving on Vormir...
Howard The Duck: Oh, yeah, they say you can only truly appreciate it with someone you love.
Darcy: [gasps] Oh, a lava boat ride through the canals of Muspelheim. Wait, you don't think that could, like, hard-boil our baby or anything, right?
Howard The Duck: Darce, you heard the lady. This is a family cruise line. They know what they're doing.
Darcy: Of course.
Howard The Duck: Now come on, I wanna hit that buffet before anyone breathes on it.
The two soon got beamed up to the cruise. Not to their knowing, someone was watching them. On the cruise the two were being giving drinks and flowers, when the Grandmaster and Topaz came towards them.
Grandmaster: Please, I insist. On the SS Grand Master, it's not a bad decision if you don't remember it.
Darcy: Oh, my God! Howard! It's the guy.
Howard The Duck: I gotta fight this guy?
Darcy: No, no, no. DJ Foam.
Howard The Duck: DJ Foam!
Darcy: Yeah.
Grandmaster: The Grandmaster. [speaks French] [kisses Darcy's hand] Bowing is optional. I'm not that big of a deal. I take that back. I am a big deal.
Howard The Duck: [laughs] Hey!
Darcy: Really, we cannot thank you enough for these tickets.
Grandmaster: Ah, for you crazy kids? Nothing I love more than a wholesome-- [sees egg] Oh! Oh!
Darcy: Uh...
Grandmaster: This must be the adorable little reason we're all here today.
That's when he claps his hands and a bunch of robot nannies appeared.
Grandmaster: Now, look at this. Now, what you have here is the Galaxy's finest selection of sitters, swaddlers, sleep trainers, nannies, au pair, governesses, plus... Topaz here is actually an excellent wet nurse.
Topaz: That part's extra.
Grandmaster: All at your disposal. So you two can enjoy some much-deserved mommy and daddy time.
Darcy and Howard The Duck: Uh...
Howard The Duck: I mean, he doesn't not have a point. [places egg in baby stroller]
Darcy: [sighs] Wow!
Grandmaster: First-time parents?
Darcy: Mm-hmm. Yep. Our first one.
Grandmaster: Yeah, I can tell.
After that, the Grandmaster took the two to a Brunch, where a bunch of other wealthy people are at and sat beside him.
Darcy: [looks at menu] Quite a hoopla just for breakfast, huh? Hey! Hey, Howard, Howard, I can't make heads or tails of this menu. You speak, uh, hoity-toity?
Howard The Duck: I do not. But my phone does. [pulls out phone] [chuckles] Yeah, let's see what we got. [as phone translate menu] Here we go. "The Grandmaster invites you to feast on Howard and Darcy The Duck." Wait! What? [phone keeps on translating] Wait, wait, wait. It's "feast your eyes." "Feast your eyes." Okay, I guess that's nice.
While he was translating the menu, Darcy notice something wrong going on.
Howard The Duck: Wait, it says, "To feast your eyes on Howard and Darcy The Duck's homemade..."
Darcy: Howard!
Howard The Duck: Oh, no, is this supposed to be a potluck?
Turns out, the menu was talking about...
Darcy: Howard! Look at the baby!
Howard The Duck: Yep. Hold on. [sees the word egg] [gasps] Darce, they wanna eat the baby!
Darcy: No, duh, Howard, we've got a Hannibal Lecter situation!
But before they could cook the egg, Yondu came and and took the egg! Howard and Darcy went after him by ship, but Yondu jumped! That's when Darcy called S.H.I.E.L.D..
Darcy: [hologram] What the hell is going on, Director? First the Grandmaster, now the Ravagers? Why are all these people after our baby?
Nick Fury: I assure you, Mr. and Mrs... The Duck, recovering your egg has become S.H.I.E.L.D.'s priority nimber one.
Howard The Duck: [hologram] Oh, yeah? You and everyone else in the galaxy, apparently. What the hell is so special about our kid, anyway?
Darcy: [hologram] [gasps] Howard! [elbows Howard]
Howard The Duck: [hologram] [gets hit] Ow! I mean, beside the fact that they're our kid.
Nick Fury: What do you know about the Cosmic Convergence?
Darcy: Wait. The Convergence? Wasn't that on my due date?
Nick Fury: [hologram] Excatly. And many believe the planetary alignment was a sign. [real] The birth of a great new power.
Darcy: [hologram] You think it's our child?
Howard The Duck: [hologram] I guess, deep down, I always knew our little champ was destined for big things.
That's when Coulson told Fury quietly that they found the child. While they did, Howard zoomed in to hear that their kid is at Knowhere.
Nick Fury: Best you leave this with the experts, Mr. and Mrs... The Duck. We'll see to it your Egg stays out of the wrong hands. Fury out! [ends call]
Howard The Duck: Screw this! Well, I'm not waiting for the five-oh. If the Ravagers are workin' for The Collector, then we know where they're headed.
Darcy: Where?
But before Howard could say where, a portal appeared infront of them and they were sucked into it. When they opened their eyes, they appeared in a strange dimension.
Darcy: What is this place?
Howard The Duck: Don't know. Maybe someone here might got the wrong ship. Lets go tell 'em.
The two got out the their ship to find who brought them in the dimension.
Howard The Duck: Hello? Anyone here? Anything?
?: We're here.
They turned to see the great rockstars of the '80, KISS the KISSterians, Demon, Space Man, Star Child and Cat Man!
Darcy: No way!
Howard The Duck: Are they--
Darcy and Howard The Duck: KISS!
Demon: Are they suppose to be them?
Star Child: Yup. The ones who sang our song as a lullaby to The Child.
Darcy: Oh no, are we gonna get sued?
Howard The Duck: Oh crap, and they've got good lawers.
Star Child: No. This isn't about that. We're here to praise you for using our song for The Child as a lullaby.
Darcy: You know about our kid as well?
Demon: Not us. But The Elder has.
Space Man: Come, she wants to speak to you two.
Soon, KISS took the two to The Elder, where the other KISSterians are.
Elder: So, you two are the birthgivers of the Child?
Darcy: Guilty.
Howard The Duck: Look, we loved that song, so we thought it could work as a good lullaby for her and--
Elder: There's nothing wrong with that. When you sang that song for the first time, the Rock of KISSterian glowed and KISS grew stronger.
Howard The Duck: Wait. What are you saying?
Cat Man: Somehow, when you gave birth to the Child and sang the song, somehow the Child and the Rock are connected.
Demon: We need to find her, before something happens to her.
Howard The Duck: I know where they're going. We were going to go there, but you guys teleported us here.
Star Child: Sorry.
Darcy: Where are they going, Howard?
Howard The Duck: Knowhere.
Darcy: What?
Howard The Duck: Knowhere.
Darcy: Well, they've gottta be going somewhere.
Howard The Duck: Knowhere.
Darcy: Howard?
Howard The Duck: Knowhere.
Darcy: Where are they going?
Demon: You don't go out in space much, have you?
Meanwhile, Yondu made it to Knowhere, where the Collector was waiting for him. But when Carina brought Yondu inside, there was...
Carina: Milord Yondu Udonta, I present to you, Kaecilius, Master of the Dark Arts.
Kaecilius: Only in silence can you hear the wispers from the dark.
Yondu: Oh-ho! Whoa! What happened to The Collector?
Kaecilius: He's been... collected. Trapped inside the Mirror Dimension. But we knew the most powerful relics in the Cosmos always seem to find their way here... eventually.
Yondu: Listen, man. Word on the street here is that this egg is a pretty hot damn commodity. I got offers comin' in from Dark Elves and an Olympic God. You get what I'm sayin'? So, our price just went up.
Kaecilius: I'm sorry, Captain, but Dormammu does not come to bargain.
That's when he hypnotise Yondu to give him the egg. As Kaecilius and Carina walk away, his allies killed Yondu! Below the surface of Knowhere, the KISSterians opened a portal that allows Howard and Darcy The Duck and KISS by the sewer lines. Soon, the two started to crawl threw the sewers.
Darcy: Whoa, can't believe you escaped through the sewer tunnels. [groans] You won't even use a public restroom.
Howard The Duck: I'm not proud of it. I did what I had to do.
Darcy: Shh! Howard, I hear something creepy.
Soon, they reach a gutter where the Cults are walking by. The two soon got out, put on their robes and followed them. They soon reach a room where a bunch of Cults are waiting for something. Soon, they brought the two's child in!
Darcy: [gasps] That's our baby!
Howard The Duck: Oh, no! There's gotta be something we can do!
Darcy: [to Carina] So, uh, excuse me. What's the deal with the magic act?
Howard The Duck: We know. Obviously. We juat wanna hear it in your words.
Carina: Quiet! The "ensoulment" is about to begin.
Howard and Darcy The Duck: Ensoulment?
Turns out, Kaecilius wants to put Dormammu's soul into the Egg! That's when Nick, the Scrull and S.H.I.E.L.D. came in and stops the Ritual!
Nick Fury: S.H.I.E.L.D.!
Howard The Duck: [puts his hands up] I didn't do it! I'm innocent, I tell you!
Darcy: Relax, Howard. He's not here for us, remember?
Howard The Duck: Right. Right. It's just a force of habit.
Coulson: You are in possession of unauthorized level 11 cosmic contraband.
Kaecilius: I would suggest you stand down, Director. You've no idea what you've found yourself in the middle of.
Nick Fury: I understand enough to know that the galaxy will be safest with that Egg in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hands.
That's when Howard and Darcy The Duck came in to take their child back.
Kaecilius: Who the hell are these two?
Howard The Duck: [quacks] We're the parents.
Nick Fury: I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. The Duck, but S.H.I.E.L.D. can't entrust a being this powerful to a first-time mom and a gambling addict.
Darcy: Hey!
Howard The Duck: Recovering gambling addict, thank you! I got the chip. [pulls out chip] Tha's the wrong chip.
Nick Fury: Coulson, carton it.
But before he could carton the Egg, Kaecilius trapped them all in the Mirror Dimension and sends them flying, while making the Egg go threw different portal! But Howard and Darcy The Duck got their Child back and were out with the help of KISS and a ramdom portal that opened beside them.
Radio: Breaking Space News, Terran defense force, S.H.I.E.L.D., has issued an Ivory Alert for a missing relic, last seen leaving Knowhere in a KISSterian ship.
Howard The Duck: [as Darcy turns down radio] [laughs] Well, look at us, like an intergalactic Bonnie and Clyde.
Demon: Have you even seen that movie, Howard? It doesn't end great for them.
Darcy: Look, we need to find someplace where we can lay low.
Howard The Duck: Not to worry. I know just the place where we can chill.
Turns out, he was talking about Jotunheim, where Loki was showing the six it's mountain ski resort and was offering them a room for them.
Howard The Duck: Dude, we didn't come here for a sale pitch. We came for your help.
Loki: You know, I thought so, and let me just cut to the chase. I can't wait to be your baby's godfather. I'm so honored. Thank you. This means the world.
Darcy: Is this guy serious right now?
Howard The Duck: Uh. [laughs] Listen, as swell as that offer is...
Loki: Yeah.
Howard The Duck: Really, we're really touched.
Darcy: What we need right now is shelter.
Demon: They're kinda on the lam from a couple of cops.
Darcy: And sorcerers.
Howard The Duck: Pirates, too.
Darcy: So, what do you say? Can you help us out?
Loki: What're you talking about? You're my brother from another mother's old lady's sister from another mister.
Darcy: [as they look confused] Uh...
Loki: You're practically family.
Darcy: [chuckles nervously] Thanks, man. I mean, it has been a long trip, and we have not been able to catch a break.
Cat Man: [looks off] And looks like you're not getting it now.
Turns out, S.H.I.E.L.D. has arrived!
Nick Fury: Mr. and Mrs. The Duck, I told you to leave this to us!
Loki: Ah, Sir Nicholas Fury! [chuckles softly] Let's go!
Star Child: Go enough for me!
But before they could get far, Laufey and the Frost Giants came towards them!
Loki: Oh, father!
Laufey: So much for this grand opening of yours, my son.
Loki: [chuckles] These are my friends. See them to safety, yes?
Laufey: Or we can take this... [takes Egg]
Loki: Dad! What are you doing? Give it back.
Laufey: And return Jotunheim to its former glory.
Howard The Duck: No! No return to former glory!
Loki: This is embarrassing!
Nick Fury: S.H.I.E.L.D.! Nobody move!
Loki: Dad!
Nick Fury: Surrender the artifact!
Loki: My brother from another mother will not look kindly on this. [hears thunder rumbling] See? I told you.
That's when something exploded the resort with lightning! But when the smoke cleared, turns out the one who shot the lightning was...
Zeus: Kneel before Zeus! Oh, good, you're already kneeling. Now, where is this Egg I saw written in the stars?
That's when the six started to run away from Zeus! That's when a whole bunch of people showed up, including the Dark Elves, Kaecilius and his Cults, The Grandmaster, Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D., even the Dark Order and Thanos as well! They manage to get away, but ended them at a bottom of a cliff, with everyone behind them!
Darcy: This can't be it, Howard. Can it?
Howard The Duck: [sighs] Who can say? I never would've thunk a life like this could've been written in the stars. A girl like you... I mean, a duck like me.
Darcy: Thank God that bar was offering half-price nachos.
Howard The Duck: Well, the nachos might've sealed the deal, but... I always knew. We were brought together for somethng more.
Darcy: I always knew it, too.
As every was making their towards them, the two started to sing quietly "I was made for lovin' you." As they did, the Egg and KISS started to glow with power!
Demon: You two, our powers, they're growing!
Kaecilius: Ah, that power.
Malekith the Accursed: So pure.
Ebony: It's divine.
Thanos: So beautiful.
Zeus: Just as it was written in the stars.
Kaecilius: Seize it!
Demon: Looks like we are going to save the universe now?
Star Child: Does you eye sees the future?
Demon: Then lets rock this world! [summons guitar]
Darcy: No way. Are you...
[I Was Made For Lovin' You]
That's when the other three summons their instrument and started to play! As they played, the Child started to shot lasers at the enemies!
Howard The Duck: Wow! Darce, look at this.
Darcy: This kid might have some magic of its own! Maybe we should keep singing?
Star Child: Yes! Let's sing!
KISS, Howard and Darcy The Duck: [singing] Oh, I was made for lovin' you, baby You were made for lovin' me
As they singed, the villains tried to reach the Egg, but had no luck! Soon, they overpowered them, and grabbed the Egg! But as they did, the Egg started to cracked open! And when it was fully cracked, it send multiple laser threw everyone, except Zeus, who he flew off, and killing everyone! The smoke cleared to reveal everyone is gone, and the The Duck child, which they named Byrdie, was born!
Darcy: [sees S.H.I.E.L.D. coming towards them] [gasps] Um, Howard?
Nick Fury: And to think I was worried you wouldn't be able to protect her.
Howard The Duck: Yeah, yeah. She's a natural-born slugger, just like her old man.
Nick Fury: Oh, no need for that. I was wrong. Power that great is safest with its family. [walks away from the two with Coulson and Scrulls] You guys got this. Fury out!
They soon got back to their ship and blasted off.
Loki: Hi, guys. Hi, hi. Listen, I've talked it over with my family and to make amends...
Laufey: We'd like to comp you a room at the lodge. And...
Loki: Honestly, it's the least we could do. Really, my friends. We insist.
Laufey: Full minibar.
Howard The Duck: Mm. What do you think, babe?
Darcy: Never been one to turn down a free trip, but there's only one place in the world I wanna be.
Star Child: Well. If you two are going to Earth, We're heading there as well. And we can give you two something no one on Earth has.
A few hours later, a limbo pulled up to something with KISS and the The Ducks in it, with the two wearing blindfolds.
Darcy: [as Star Child and Cat Man take her hands] I don't get this.
Howard The Duck: [as Demon and Space Man take his hands] Yeah, what is this?
Star Child: We're almost there. [as the four stops the two] 'Kay. Take off your blinds.
When thy took them off, they can see that they're at...
Howard and Darcy The Duck: [gasps] KISS World!
Star Child: Yup! As our friends, and guardians, you two are welcome to come to KISS World anytime. Just go to the front and say your names, and they'll let you in. No lines, no payment.
Darcy: This is too much.
Cat Man: It's our gift to you. [nudges Demon]
Demon: [sighs] [pulls out VIP necklesses] And these are special VIP Back Stage passes that will allow you to come to all of our concerts.
Howard The Duck: [he and Darcy takes the necklesses] Wow! This is really great!
Space Man: Anything for our new friends.
Star Child: [goes over to Darcy] And, for the final gift, I leave you with a kiss.
He then grabs Darcy and goes in for a great kiss, but Howard wasn't liking it!
Howard The Duck: Hey! Quit it!
Darcy: [as Star Child lifts her back up] [dizzy] Wow! That's the best thing ever!
Howard The Duck: [takes Darcy's hand] Come on, Darce. Let's go home.
Darcy: [dizzy] Right. Let's go, Howard.
Demon: [as the two enters the limbo] You know, the Child will be going with them to here.
Star Child: I know. When the bring her, we'll take her picture.
The scene te changes to the two putting their kid to bed.
Watcher: Even in an endless universe, there's no place like home. And parents are th greatest heroes of all.
Darcy: [as the baby goes to sleep] Aw. Our little Byrdie. She's perfect.
Howard The Duck: Yeah. She is, isn't she?
The two then quietly snuck out of the room hoping that she will sleep. But...
Byrdie: [cries]
Darcy: No!
Howard The Duck: Oh, God. Did you do the bottle? You're supposed t do the bottle.
Darcy: No, the bottle' fine, Howard.
Howard The Duck: No, it's way too hot. You can't give a bottle that hot.
Darcy: It's the blanet. She hates the color!
Howard The Duck: Why'd we got her this color?
End