Notes:
I am so, so sorry it has taken me forever to update. I've seriously struggled with this particular chapter. It had never felt quite right. I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I think it's as good as it's going to get. I hope now that I got this one out of the way, I might be able to update sooner. I really hope you guys like it.
Chapter 19: You're the pain in my ass, you're my light in the dark
Ollie had been right, they hadn't been allowed to take anything from the dumpsite, but they'd met a handful of construction workers that had brought materials to the dumpsite and told them about several demolition sites around Starling and that chances were pretty good that their bosses would let them take what they needed, just as long as it wasn't on any records yet. So, the plan was for Ollie to go check them out over the next couple of days. They'd headed home after, it hadn't been nearly as late as they assumed, which had meant that Ellie had still been awake by the time Ollie had gotten home with the kids and she with his car. Benji had been asleep, but unfortunately had woken up while they were getting him out of the car seat. Ollie had made some quick dinner for Ellie, while she'd tried to nurse Benji back to sleep in their living room.
Their oldest had come into the living room with a book to snuggle with her for a bit, while Ollie'd made her a sandwich and a salad which he'd brought her to the living room, once he realized that their daughter was still too keyed up to even try to get her to sleep, he'd gotten himself some food as well and they'd eaten their dinner while Ellie colored for a little while until her husband had finished his food and taken over the task of getting their daughter to sleep as well while she'd rested on their couch, with their halfway asleep son lying on her chest, they'd found it on the side of the road not too long ago, it had still been in pretty good shape, Ollie'd just had to fix a couple of springs and she'd shampooed it and they'd thrown a couple of blankets over it and it was as good as new, she was starting to feel exhausted a lot easier given the extra weight she was lugging around and Rosalee's current position in her cervix wasn't making moving or sitting or anything really, any easier or comfortable. She knew the position she was lying on the couch on probably looked rather strange, but it was the most comfortable she'd gotten all day, so whatever. Her husband was trying to take as much off her plate as he could to give her the chance to rest as much as she needed, but there was only so much he could do and so much time she was capable of resting. She hated lying around and doing nothing, and she was going to do enough of that after their baby was born. Resting properly and long enough and bonding with the baby was crucial for healing and also lactating but that shouldn't be an issue, since she was still nursing Benji anyway and had plenty of milk for her boy, so she wasn't worried that she'd have trouble nursing two babies after, she'd always had plenty of milk. But then again, she'd always kept her babies attached to her boobs if they requested it. So, the communication between her babies and her body had been flawless. They'd demanded more milk, and her body produced more milk.
She was grateful for the tips and tricks she'd gotten from the women from different cultures along the way while traveling with her baby girl. She'd learned a lot, a lot that modern medicine seemed to work against. It was a shame, well, a sham, really. It never made sense to her why a child should be weened before they were capable of solely consuming solid foods just to add formula to their diet. Which had some shocking and troubling ingredients in it. Nope. She was all for feeding them what nature had intended until they no longer required her body to nourish theirs. It was all just a scam. Shocking really. So much misinformation, so many women who didn't know how their bodies worked and no longer trusted their instincts. And so many people who told new mothers to ignore their baby's needs.
They'd come across several different tribes during their travels, and they had all told or showed them the same thing, well communication had been an issue at times, but they'd always found a way. A healthy diet, a healthy lifestyle and letting the baby suckle whenever it was restless would lead to plenty of milk for the baby. Sara wasn't sure if it was something that always worked, but it had for her and her two babies. So, there must be something to it. There'd been different women from different tribes on different continents that had all insisted on the same thing. And they'd had healthy children. She was so grateful that they'd met with several of those while she'd still been pregnant, so she'd remembered their words when Eloise was born. She'd remembered to trust her body, trust herself and to trust that she knew what she needed to do and to just let her baby suckle her breast as often as possible the first couple of weeks. While she was resting and healing. And that was what she'd done. Eloise, just like Benji several years later, had practically lived attached to her breast during puerperium.
Sara had spent a lot of time contemplating something and had picked her phone up about two dozen times in the last couple of days, always putting it back down and shaking her head and then getting distracted because of the kids. It was only after Benji was asleep and while Ollie was getting Ellie down that she picked up her phone again, looking at her son asleep against her chest, she wasn't going to put him in their bed before Eloise was asleep, they'd learned from that mistake several nights ago, when Ellie had woken him up countless times which had led to a cranky and exhausted baby who had refused to sleep.
She bit her lip, nervously. God, this was stupid. She was being stupid; she chided herself. It was just a text. Still, she wasn't usually the one making the first steps, or hadn't been in years, so this was uncharted territory, at least sort of. She used to be a lot more outgoing and willing to make the first step before she'd had Eloise. Now, now she was usually the one being asked to join things, being the new person around. It was a position she'd gotten used to during the last five years, so this was a little unnerving. But seriously, what was the worst that could happen? She'd get rejected, and then? No big deal. Nothing would actually change. So, there was really no reason not to do this.
She searched for the contact and then opened a new text chain. And then stopped, unsure of what to write. How to start. Sara began to write a text, just to delete it and start over, all the while chiding herself, she'd never gotten that worked up over a fucking text before, not even as a teen while asking someone she thought was hot out, so what the hell was wrong with her now?
It was once she heard the obvious signs of Ollie coming to join her after finally having gotten Ellie to sleep that she finished writing the text and actually pressed send, knowing she'd postpone it again if she didn't and who knew when she'd next get the chance and guts to sit down and write it. Now all she could do was wait. Sara couldn't remember the last time she'd been this nervous about anything, even less a reply text.
"Everything okay, babe?" She looked up from her phone to her husband's slightly worried face.
"What? Yeah, everything's fine." She smiled tersely at him, and he raised an eyebrow in disbelief and slight amusement at her.
"Right, that's why you're a nervous wreck staring at your phone. You wanna share who got you all twisted in knots?" Ollie had almost reached her now and his amusement only seemed to grow while watching her and she hated him for being able to see right through her right now, and thinking it was funny. It wasn't.
"No…" It was pathetic, really, but that wasn't actually the point.
"Sar…" there was a slightly demanding undertone in his voice, hidden pretty well under the teasing but obviously detected by her given just how well she knew him. And she got it, it was the sort of thing they'd promised to tell each other and share. Not that it was what he might be starting to assume right now, something she couldn't even fault him for given her peculiar behavior, but even if it was what he assumed, she wouldn't… not while eight months pregnant with his kid. Just the thought alone felt icky. She wasn't looking to hook up with anyone. She just…
"It's not what you think, Ollie. You're still all I want, all I need." She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her and into a passionate kiss to make sure he had no doubt, that there was no question left. He'd told her years ago, if she ever needed more, something he couldn't provide, he'd get it and it be fine. He just needed to know. It was sweet, and she got where he came from and while at times yes, she missed being with women; it was different. She didn't miss it enough to cheat on him. Even with his permission. He was all she needed. All she wanted. He was more than enough. And she needed him to understand that before she shared. And if there ever came a point when she'd consider his offer… it didn't mean that they couldn't indulge her needs together, it wasn't like they've never done that before.
"Mmhh… what was that for?" The besotted smile he gave her was exactly the mood she'd been going for.
"Nothing, just wanting to make sure you know how I feel about you. I texted McKenna to ask if she'd feel like maybe getting a cup of coffee or something, purely platonic. I've been feeling… I… I think it would be nice to hang out with another adult, potentially make a friend, maybe without the kids…?" She explained or tried to explain her feelings to him, while making it unmistakably clear that it wasn't sexual. It was important, especially given the past the three of them had, and smiled at him hopefully.
"Of course, Sara. I'm sure we can find a place where the two of you can enjoy some grown up conversations and I can entertain the kids far enough away that they won't come interrupt, but close enough so it'll be no issue if Benjamin gets hungry. Or you go into labor." God, she loved that man so much. She rolled her eyes at the smirk given the added comment.
"Thank you." She drew him into another passionate kiss. They definitely needed to put Benji down.
"Of course, there's nothing you need to thank me for. I went out with Tommy, and you watched the kids. It's only fair you get to do the same." Ollie replied after they reluctantly parted.
"Right, feminism and emancipation and all that." She sniggered and winked at him. Before kissing him hard.
"Exactly. How about I put this one to bed, and we continue that thought you had after…" She loved the way he thought.
"Sounds like a solid plan. Gotta make sure I fulfill all of my wifely duties, or you all of your husbandly duties, since we're all about modern feminism tonight." She grinned and answered teasingly.
"As you wish, my lady, I shall spend as much time on my knees as you desire." He carefully took their son from her arms once she unlatched him, and gently bounced him in his arms while walking to their bedroom when he began to stir, hopefully keeping him from fully waking. Otherwise they could most likely kiss spending quality time together goodbye.
While she liked him on his knees, it wasn't what she wanted or needed tonight.
Her husband returned not long after, softly closing the door between their living room and bedroom, Ollie had managed to attach a new door he'd found at another part of the building, it was solid steel, the previous day, it now closed properly and even had a fully functioning lock they took advantage of, placing the baby phone next to the couch. The door between the two rooms was the only way into their bedroom. It was why they'd chosen the room as their bedroom.
"Ellie asleep?" She looked at him questioningly.
"Yep, baby girl is out cold. I even moved her a little to give Benjamin more room. She didn't even stir." He winked and smirked at her. Good, that was good. It also meant he'd purposely did it to check how deep she was sleeping and how their chances of getting interrupted stood. Looked like slim to none. At least for an hour, possibly two, depending on their son.
Ollie had kept her occupied long enough that she ended up falling asleep, exhausted after nursing Benjamin again. The morning had been tumultuous since Ollie had gone to check out some of the demolition sites and Eloise seemed to have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed and was in a cranky mood, so it wasn't until after lunch, while Benji was taking a nap and Eloise was coloring while listening to a children's audiobook, that Sara came across her cell phone and with that was reminded of the text, she'd sent the previous night. She bit her lip nervously before taking hold of her phone and checking if she got a reply from McKenna. She felt entirely stupid and rather foolish about how worked up she was getting because of a stupid cup of coffee. But she really craved having someone to talk to besides Ollie and the kids. She loved them; she loved spending the majority of her time with them, but she missed having a person of her own outside of her family, like Ollie was once again starting to have with Tommy. And part of her wanted that, too. And sure, she'd been hanging out with Laurel, but it wasn't the same. For one Laurel was her older sister, and two even with her being seriously involved with Tommy and happy, and the years that lay in-between, talking to Laurel about Ollie felt strange and inappropriate to some degree, maybe it would get better with time, but right now it wasn't something she felt comfortable doing. And McKenna was someone she could see herself seriously bond with and a genuine friendship to come from it. And the plus would be McKenna knew Ollie, she knew Tommy, and she knew her family. So… no long explanations needed. It would be perfect. Plus, also, potentially there was the possibility that she'd even be open to have some fun with her and Ollie, without shit ending up being weird. Potentially at some point in the future, maybe. Maybe. She wasn't even sure if she… but just in case… McKenna might be a good candidate. It wasn't like it would be the first time… Not that this was why she wanted to bond with the other woman, not at all. She really liked her, always had and just thought they might hit it off and become good friends if they got the chance to talk uninterruptedly for an hour or two. She'd seemed open to it when they'd met but they hadn't really had the chance to talk, not with the kids there but McKenna had seemed to be impressed as opposed to her family who'd been perplexed by her choices of being a full-time mom and housewife. And it wasn't like she wasn't doing shit and not helping Ollie out with Verdant and stuff. She just prioritized her children and family above having a career. She'd managed to bring in some money from time to time, all the while never having someone else watch her kids. Their priority was just on Verdant right now. Ollie's dream came first, before her second one. She'd gotten her first dream, having a family with Ollie and traveling the world. Her second one could wait. There was no rush.
Sara took a deep breath and then unlocked her phone, hesitating for a moment before she tipped on the new text she'd gotten. She fell onto her butt and grinned at the reply she'd gotten from the other woman. Relief flooded through her at the message, and she felt a rush of excitement course through her. It had been a while since she'd last felt like this.
McKenna was open to it. More than that, she'd sent her availabilities for the next couple of weeks. Which was big. She remembered from her dad how picky he was when it came to how he was spending his days off. So this was a good sign. Sara switched from the text to her caller log on autopilot, and the other phone was ringing before she registered what she was doing.
"Hey, everything okay? Are the kids alright? Are you having contractions? Do you need me to come home?" Ollie's voice wasn't worried, per se. This was their third rodeo, after all, but his question was valid. She usually didn't call him just because, but she really felt like sharing this with him. No matter how stupid it was. She was happy and excited and knew he'd be as well.
"McKenna texted back; she sent me a couple of dates that would work for her." Sara felt giddy like a little child and knew her feeling would be easily detectable for her husband given the sound of her voice, and a little stupid, she'd probably feel majorly stupid about just how excited this made her, were she talking to anyone but Ollie, but she knew he'd get it.
"Really? That's great, babe! I'm so happy for you. We can go over the dates she sent when I'm back home to see which ones would make the most sense with the kids and come up with some possible places that would work." God, she loved him so much. She could easily hear the joy and excitement on her behalf out of his voice. This right here was why he'd always been her favorite person and still was. He could so easily get excited about things. Especially when he knew how important they were to you. Ollie had always been her biggest cheerleader, and he still was to this day.
It was in the evening, once they'd put the kids to bed that they'd talked about how to best make her coffee date with McKenna happen and decided the Starling City Zoo would be a great place, plenty to keep the kids occupied and a nice restaurant for McKenna and her to sit and talk. It was a bit costly, but to be honest given their situation, everything was. But it would be fine. They'd be fine. She wasn't entirely sure how, but somehow they'd figure it out. They always had.
Sara watched Oliver as he stopped and looked at his phone, deep in thought. He'd been on the way to plug it in, to let it charge over night when something kept him from the quick task and rejoining her on their way to bed.
"Everything okay?" she wanted to know after a lengthy silence without an explanation on his end.
"What? Oh, yeah, sorry. Tommy just texted that Laurel was having a fundraiser at CNRI next Thursday evening, asking if I wanted to join them. Since it might be a good opportunity to find some investors." Her husband still looked contemplative, and she wasn't sure why. It was a great opportunity, and they couldn't afford to miss it and potentially a chance to get someone's interest in them.
"He's right. You should go." The look he gave her would've been hilarious in a different situation, as it was, they really didn't have a choice. The longer the less.
"I don't… how about we talk about it tomorrow? It's been a long day." He put the phone down and walked towards her, wrapping his arm around her back and kissing her temple. True, not that the conversation was going to be different tomorrow. But if he wanted to postpone it, she wasn't mad, especially if he felt like arguing with her. She'd been alone with both kids most of the day, she was all argued out. She loved Eloise and how articulate she was for her age, at least most of the time, when it wasn't manifested into debating her every word and decision. Four was an exhausting age. It was fun, but having what felt like a little lawyer in constant interrogation mood around was very exhausting, especially when she couldn't pull the 'I don't know, go ask daddy.'-card.
"Alright, we'll talk about it tomorrow." She agreed, while yawning. Yeah, going to bed right now was definitely the right decision. Ollie just laughed at her while steering them in the direction of their bedroom, moving the kids around to make space for them, before helping her lie down and wrapping her in his arms. They shared several kisses before deciding to try to fall asleep, after she moved a foot out of her face. She seriously was never going to understand how her kids somehow always ended up upside down or sideways in their bed, and for some reason seemed to grow several extra pairs of limbs at night, at least one of which always ended up in her face. She lifted Benji onto Ollie's chest the next time Ellie's foot nearly collided with his little head. The last thing she needed right now was a baby who was woken up because his older sister accidentally kicked him in the head. That would most likely lead to a sleepless night, and she really wasn't up for that.
Ollie's hand automatically ended up on their son's back, even though he was drifting off. She shifted a little to get comfortable once more and was just about to fall asleep herself, when another, tinier foot began to kick her, only this time it was on the inside. She let her head fall back and groaned. Was she serious right now? She looked down at her youngest, who seemed to have found a ton of energy somewhere and was now actively moving around. Great, just great. She closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep, even with her little acrobat having a party in her stomach. It didn't work, as expected. At some point Benji woke up, and she nursed him back to sleep. Thankfully, once he was asleep, so was Rosalee and Sara got comfortable again and closed her eyes. Finally, she was going to get some sleep as well. Only not because Eloise was tossing and turning and regularly kicking her. Seriously. She lifted her head and looked at Ollie. Who was still fast asleep. Seriously?!
She was so fucking pissed at him right now, for no actual reason and she was aware that she was being highly irrational, because even if he had woken up when Benji cried, there hadn't been anything he could've done cause their son had been hungry. And it wasn't like he could take Rosalee out of her right now… but still… he was sleeping. While she was not. Which again, was a good thing because it meant only one of them would be sleep deprived the next day but… her eyes strayed to the alarm clock on their makeshift nightstand, three am. She's been lying awake for five fucking hours.
"Ollie. Ollie! OLLIE!" She first whispered into his ear and at the end actually shook his shoulder while whisper yelling at him, not wanting to wake the kids as well.
"What?" he blinked his eyes open and looked at her confused.
"Did your water break?" He mumbled still mostly asleep while slightly lifting his head up and looking at her inquiringly when she didn't answer his question right away, she wasn't entirely sure what to make about his very chill attitude that came with the question, but then again, she only just woke him, and it was their third child, and it was whatever. It was too fucking late at night to think about that right now.
"No. I need you to take Eloise. She's restless, and she's driving me crazy." Their oldest, on the other hand he could take care of. And she needed him to do that right now.
"Okay." He blinked at her again and yawned before carefully shifting Benji over to her, and slipping out from under her, just to move over her and create a wall between her and Eloise.
"I just nursed him like thirty minutes ago. He's yours for the next three hours." As soon as he was lying down again, she handed Benji back over, and turned her back towards all three of them. She loved them dearly, but she just needed to fucking sleep right now. She closed her eyes and finally managed to fall asleep.
Notes:
Sorry, this chapter is a bit meh... but I'm pretty sure it won't get any better if I let it lie around even longer. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Yeah, Sara is maybe, potentially getting a friend ;) yay!
Chapter title is from the very cute and hilarious song "Pain in my ass" by GFBF aka Tom MacDonald and Nova Rockafeller. This song just screams Canarrow to me. It's great.