Chapter Four

Cas lay in bed the next morning, his mind reeling. He could still feel Dean's mouth on his, and every time he thought about it, his heart raced. He rolled over and checked his phone. No messages. He buried his head in his pillow for a moment, and let out a groan, then forced himself out of bed to make breakfast. But he couldn't stop thinking about it.

He picked up his phone over and over, trying to decide whether or not he should send Dean a message. Dean had had a fair amount to drink, Cas rationalised. Perhaps he didn't want to be reminded of a drunken mistake.

After a full day of pacing around his house, his fingers itching, he decided he would leave things as they were. They would return to school as professionals. He put his phone away, then set about getting ready for Christmas. Since his parents had hosted Thanksgiving, it would be up to him to host Christmas.

The decorations ended up being a little sad, with a small, sparsely green tree. He put Gabriel's photo next to the tree, on a small table, and stuck a tiny Santa hat to the frame. He smiled at it, knowing that Gabriel would have loved it.

Come Christmas morning, however, he couldn't hold back any longer, and finally sent Dean a message.

Merry Christmas :)

And when his phone vibrated, his heart leapt to his throat.

You too

See you at school

Cas let out a breath, relieved that Dean wasn't completely avoiding him, and began cooking with a smile on his face.

The chicken he made ended up dry, but his mother made up some gravy and drowned their meals in it.

'Did you do that?' she asked as she placed the plates down on the table, pointing at the picture of Gabriel.

Cas grinned. 'I thought he would want to be included.'

His mother chuckled, then burst into tears.

'Oh, Mom,' Cas murmured, reaching across the table to take her hand.

'I'm sorry, I just miss him,' she said hoarsely, 'and it's so sweet how much you love your brother.'

His father put an arm around her. 'He's here with us, I know he is,' he said.

Then Gabriel's picture once again fell over.

'It keeps doing that,' Cas said, going over to pick it up. 'I think he needs a new frame.'

'Maybe it really is him,' said his dad with a smile. 'If that's you, son, Merry Christmas. We love you.' He raised his glass of wine.

'Merry Christmas, Gabe,' Cas and his mother echoed, and they too raised their glasses.

'Do you remember when he set fire to the kitchen?' his mother asked.

'Which time?' Cas laughed.

'When he first started practising his magic, and he accidentally set off his fireball trick while he was getting a snack from the fridge.'

'Ah yes, of course. We had to replace the curtains.'

They reminisced about Gabriel while they ate their dinner, but while Cas was plating the dessert, the conversation turned to Dean. Cas tried to brush them off, but the blush on his cheeks told them there was more to it.

'All right, all right,' Cas said, after much badgering. 'He kissed me.'

His mother clapped her hands together, a huge smile on her face.

'Don't get too excited,' said Cas. 'He ran away after.'

His mother gasped.

'Is he stupid, or something?' his father asked, and Cas snorted.

'No,' he said. 'I'm not sure what happened, but he'd had a few drinks. I think he must have just got carried away.'

'Well, don't let it bother you,' said his mother, reaching over to pat his cheek. 'You just keep doing a good job.'

'That was my intention,' Cas smiled. 'I'm really enjoying the work, it's a great classroom.'

'I'm happy for you, Castiel,' said his mother. 'You've worked so hard to get here, I'm glad it's going well.'

'Thanks, Mom.'

After dessert, they gave each other hugs, and his parents left. Once they were gone, Cas went to Gabriel's picture and picked it up. A cartoonish moustache had been drawn on the glass over his face. Cas laughed, but before he knew it, tears were dripping down his cheeks. He hugged the frame close to his chest.

'I miss you so much,' he whispered to it. He stayed there, in front of the tree, cuddling Gabriel, for a long while, until his tears dried up.

The rest of the holiday, Cas caught up with his paperwork, and pulled out his study materials, going over everything he'd learned so far.

He was nervous, pulling into his parking spot on their first day back. Dean was already there, he saw, and he felt a thrill in his chest but pushed it away. It was just a normal day, he told himself. He would be professional and supportive, as he always was.

Dean wasn't in the staff room, so Cas made them both a cup of coffee, and brought them down to the classroom.

'Morning,' Cas said, making his best effort to smile when he saw Dean. 'I made coffee.'

'Thanks.' Dean looked for a moment as though he wanted to say something, but he just sighed and drank his coffee.

They didn't talk much while they were setting up the classroom, and the children arriving for their first day back were a welcome distraction.

After a small amount of awkwardness, things soon returned to normal, though neither of them addressed what had happened.

The kids settled back into their usual schedule, after they finished chatting excitedly about their presents.

A week passed, and Cas thought things were going well, but he noticed Dean giving him strange looks. Cas tried to ignore it, but one morning, Dean found him in the classroom, holding a cup of coffee and watching the birds through the window.

Cas heard the door open and turned to look, then smiled when he saw Dean. 'Good morning,' he said.

Dean stared for a moment, then put a hand over his eyes. 'I can't do this,' he murmured. 'I - I need to talk to you.' He walked over and stood next to Cas.

'What is it?' Cas asked.

Dean took a few deep breaths. 'First, I - I'm sorry about what happened at Christmas.'

Cas waved away his apologies. 'It's all right, Dean, we've all done silly things after too much to drink-'

'No, no, that's not it,' Dean interrupted. He cleared his throat and looked down at his feet. He shook out his hands, building himself up for what he would say next. 'I do like you, but…'

'But?' Cas prompted.

Dean rubbed his mouth, 'I'm sick, Cas,' he muttered softly.

Cas froze, completely caught by surprise. 'Oh,' was all he managed to say.

Dean let out a long breath and rested his hands on the windowsill, his shoulders slumping slightly.

'How bad is it?' Cas asked hesitantly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Dean bit his lip, his expression pained. 'It's MS,' he said quietly. 'I'm in remission right now, but that could change any time. That's why it's so important to me to find a good assistant.' He finally looked Cas in the face, his brow furrowed and his green eyes filled with sadness. 'It's been a long time since my last relapse. Too long. And at some point, I'm going to need more help than a regular teacher.'

Cas stared at Dean, his heart aching. 'Does - does it hurt?' he asked softly, his voice trembling.

Dean sighed, his eyes distant. 'At the moment, not really. I still get headaches, and sometimes I can't sleep, but it's really the best I can hope for.'

'I'm so sorry,' Cas breathed.

'I just kept thinking about what will happen next time I go down. It was one thing when you were just my assistant, but if we got together… I guess I just hated the thought of you seeing me like that.'

Cas opened his mouth to reassure Dean, but then they heard footsteps charging down the hallway, announcing the arrival of the children.

'We'll talk about this later, all right?' Cas said, briefly placing a hand on Dean's shoulder.

Dean nodded and plastered his usual smile on his face, ready for the kids. But as he turned away, Cas couldn't help but notice the flicker of pain in Dean's eyes.

Cas followed Dean's lead and pushed their conversation to the back of his mind, while they were teaching. Cas watched them at lunchtime, and Dean brought him some homemade soup with a nervous expression. Cas accepted it gratefully, and tried to give him a reassuring smile, but he wasn't sure it had much of an effect. Come storytime, however, Dean watched Cas with the same fond look in his eyes as he always did, and a knot in Cas's stomach loosened.

They said goodbye to the kids at the end of the day, and tidied up the classroom in awkward silence. Cas bit his lip and drew up every bit of courage he had.

'May I take you to dinner?' he asked Dean.

Dean looked at him, shocked. 'You still want to go out with me?'

'I do.'

Dean gave him a shy smile. 'Okay, I'll follow you.'

They both went to their cars and Cas led the way, bringing Dean to a cosy restaurant. When Dean got out of his car, Cas noticed that he was anxiously fiddling with the hem of his shirt, so, without thinking, Cas reached out to take his hand. It surprised them both, but Dean smiled after a moment and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

They were seated in a quiet corner, and a basket of breadsticks was placed in front of them. Dean immediately grabbed one and stuffed some into his mouth.

Cas watched him curiously. This was so different to the Dean he was used to.

'Are you all right?' Cas asked, after Dean almost choked on his huge bite of bread.

Dean nodded and took a gulp of water.

'You seem nervous,' Cas pressed.

'Yeah, I guess I am,' Dean said. 'I dunno, it's been a while since I dated, and… you know, everything I said this morning…'

'We don't have to talk about that, if you don't want to,' Cas offered.

Dean took a deep breath. 'I'm sorry, I just get scared… my last girlfriend couldn't handle it when things got bad.'

Cas frowned.

'It's not her fault,' Dean added hastily. 'It can get… and my brother has to take care of me sometimes… I'm not exactly what you'd call the ideal partner.'

Cas rested his elbows on the table and clasped his hands together, resting his chin on his fingers. 'I think you may be overthinking things a little bit,' he said, and Dean chuckled.

'Yeah, maybe.'

'We could just take this one step at a time,' Cas suggested. 'Go on some dates and see where it goes.'

'And when I get sick?'

'Then you get sick,' Cas said. 'I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I'm not afraid, if that's what you're worried about.'

Dean grimaced. 'I'm not so sure you'd say the same thing if you saw it.'

'Like I said, one step at a time.' Cas picked up a menu and handed one to Dean. 'Whatever you want. On me.'

'That I can get behind,' Dean grinned, and picked himself out a steak and fries.

'That sounds good, I'll have the same.'

Dean relaxed the more they ate and talked, and was much more himself after a bite of good steak.

'So what do you do outside of work?' Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. 'Nothing exciting. I spend most of my time studying, but I have a little beehive at my parents' place. I like to cook and bake, when I have the time, and-' he cut himself off, feeling his cheeks warming.

'What?' Dean asked curiously.

'Sometimes I knit,' Cas said, hiding his embarrassment with an unconvincing shrug.

'Knitting?' Dean said incredulously, and Cas blushed even deeper.

'It can be relaxing,' he said, slightly defensively.

Dean laughed. 'Yeah, knitting, I get it. I figured you were kinda crafty, after the costume you made.'

'I suppose, I just like seeing things I've made with my own hands.'

Dean nodded. 'Totally, me too. I like to fix up old cars, when I'm feeling good.'

'Ah, that explains it,' Cas said, without thinking.

'Explains what?'

Cas pressed his lips together. 'N-nothing,'he stammered.

'Come on, tell me.'

'Well - it explains why - you know - why you look…'

Dean snorted. 'Cas, are you trying to tell me you think I'm hot?'

'I - well - for a teacher, I mean-'

Dean laughed loudly, crinkles at the corners of his eyes. 'Why thank you.' He took a sip of his water. 'You know, I think you're pretty cute too.'

Cas felt warmth spreading in his chest, but then a thought occurred to him. 'Jody doesn't really have a thing for her mailman, does she?'

Dean grinned. 'You got me.'

'Does she know about..?'

Dean shook his head. 'Just Bobby,' he said.

After some good food, he seemed a lot more comfortable talking about it, so Cas chanced another question.

'How long have you had it?' he asked casually.

Dean shrugged. 'Since I was sixteen,' he said. 'It started just as headaches and blurry vision. They thought I just needed glasses at first,' he said with a quiet laugh.

'You must have been scared,' Cas said gently.

Dean's face fell slightly. 'Yeah. I was. Sam really got me through it though.'

Cas nodded. 'Brothers are good like that.'

Dean sighed. 'Cas, I don't know about this,' he said, beginning to look uncomfortable again.

'Do you want to go home?' Cas offered.

'No, I just… I don't know if I can really get into anything with you, when I - I don't know how long I have.'

'I understand.'

'I mean, I could live until Sam's pushing me around the nursing home, or… this time next year, I could be gone.'

Cas thought about it. 'I don't think anyone truly knows how long they have,' he said slowly.

Dean shrugged. 'I don't know if I can put you through it.'

'I worried about Gabriel a lot, when he was doing his performances,' Cas said, 'but he always used to tell me that you can't be so afraid of dying that you can't live. He made every day the best it could be. He had no regrets when he died.'

Dean looked away. 'Wouldn't it be better not to have to go through that pain? I don't want anyone to feel that way because of me.'

'Listen, Dean, I haven't known you for very long, but I can tell you that your presence is a blessing, not a curse,' Cas smiled. 'The children love you, our colleagues have so much respect for you. My life is already better with you in it. Helping you when you get sick, no matter what that looks like, would be an honour. Even if you only want my help at school, I'm there.'

Dean teared up and cleared his throat. 'Thanks, Cas,' he murmured.

'It's all right,' Cas continued. 'You're not, and won't be, a burden, Dean… What would you like for dessert?'

Dean gave a watery chuckle and checked the menu. 'Oh, awesome, they have pie.'

'Pie it is,' Cas smiled.

He let Dean talk about other things through dessert, watching the way his hands became more animated as he inevitably began talking about work. Cas admitted the sparkle in his eyes and the bright smile as he told Cas all about his previous classes and his favourite kids.

Eventually, though, they finished their desserts, Cas paid the bill, and it was time to leave.

They walked back out to their cars and awkwardly stood in front of each other.

'So… I'll see you tomorrow,' Dean said uncertainly.

Cas smiled. 'Tomorrow,' he nodded. He moved towards the door of his car, but then Dean called out, 'Wait!' Cas let go of the handle, and saw that Dean had followed him.

'Are you free this weekend?' Dean asked.

'I am,' Cas said, his heart soaring.

'Do you want to go to lunch with me on Saturday?'

A rare surge of courage rushed through Cas. He stepped forward and kissed Dean, catching him by surprise. It was a gentle kiss, softly pressing his lips to Dean's.

Dean's eyes were wide when Cas pulled away.

'I'd love to go to lunch with you,' he said.

Dean's mouth opened and closed. 'It's - uh - it's nice to kiss you sober,' he said eventually.

Cas laughed and opened the door to his car once again. 'Goodnight, Dean.'

''Night.'

When Cas got home, he collapsed into bed, his thoughts racing. He couldn't believe he had been so forward with Dean, but somehow it felt right. He couldn't sleep, however, so he spent hours researching Dean's condition on his phone, curled up in his blankets. It wasn't much, but it helped him feel better prepared for whatever support Dean might need.

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