22BBY - Coruscant - Year 1 of The Clone Wars

Coruscant didn't look quite as graceful to Barriss as it once did. From one of the many training room balconies of the Jedi Temple, she looked up at the sky to see it blotched with the silhouettes of the Venator cruisers casting enormous shadows upon the otherwise gleaming surfaces of the metal-encrusted planet. The small white shapes of armored men lined up in seemingly endless rows, marching up the ramps into the cruisers set to carry them off to their next battle. To fight for the glory of the Republic, for their Chancellor.

Barriss had yet to see what glory there was in it all. The Padawan had only had one taste of warfare several months ago, in the Battle of Geonosis, where the tensions between the Republic and the growing Separatist alliance came to fruition with bloodshed, with the Jedi caught between it all. All she saw that day was death. Sentients, Jedi and clones alike, thrown into a grinder against the unfeeling, remorseless metal army of the Separatists.

What a waste, she could only think.

To most, it was the day that sparked the start of a war. The Clone War, they were calling it. But more importantly to Barriss, it was the day she had taken a life for the first time. The image of the blue blade of her lightsaber cleaving through a Geonosian drone forever lingered in her mind, watching the life from its eyes go flat and the two halves of their spasming body go still just as she felt their presence in the Force dissipate, knowing that it was her who was responsible.

True, it was trying to kill her, having come at her with a pike aimed for her heart. It was the truest example of self-defense, the kill abided by every tenant of the Jedi Code, and none could ever blame her for it.

And yet, she still felt like every morsel of her being had done something terrible. It was nothing like dispatching a battle droid. With droids, you couldn't feel a ripple in the Force when you destroyed them, and you were spared the unpleasant smell of cauterized flesh. Though droids could often be quite lively, they were ultimately not living beings. Their death didn't carry the same burden on your soul like taking a sentient's life did.

It was a sad day for her to have to even learn the distinction.

The day the Jedi needed me to become a killer.

The mood within the transport ships on the way back home to Coruscant had been an upsetting one, filled with tears and mourning. Barriss remembered comforting many of the younger Jedi who had to say goodbye to their masters; their friends.

She was fortunate that her own master had not been one of the fallen that day.

She had to shake these thoughts off, for now. For they served her no purpose other than to bring distress, and that was not how a Jedi could think.

Barriss breathed in, closed her eyes. It had become an increasingly difficult task for her to balance herself within. The Dark Side of The Force had become increasingly easy to sense all around her since the Clone Wars began. There was no part of the day that she did not feel its presence. Thanks to her training however, she was able to hold it back from seeping into her.

For now.

"Padawan," a familiar voice called out behind her. "I see you're early as always."

Barriss turned from the Coruscanti sights and faced her master. Luminara Unduli stood at the doorway; hands together in such a noble fashion. The older Mirialan always had the confident aura of an immensely respected Jedi, a feeling that brought Barriss warmth. But one thing would surprise her: Luminara had a bacta patch around her left eye.

The Jedi Master had just returned from an encounter with a Dark Acolyte; an assassin who interfered with the Jedi's attempt to bring the Neimoidian Separatist leader Nute Gunray back to Coruscant to face justice for his crimes against the Republic. It was an encounter that Barriss had not been there for, having taken a firm stance against getting involved with the war in any way since… the incident at the Geonosian Arena.

Another Padawan was at her side, she recalled grimly.

Despite her troubled thoughts, Barriss respectfully bowed to her mentor. Of course, there was no hiding her feelings from the woman who had known her better than anyone else in her life.

"Do not fret over this, Barriss," Luminara assured her, walking further into the training room as she gestured to her healing eye. "It'll take more than a jet of hot steam to the face before I let us miss one of our training sessions."

Barriss smiled at her.

She's always been so fearless.

Barriss' apprenticeship to Luminara had always been set. Mirialan culture required that only a Jedi of their own kind could take on a Mirialan apprentice. That was the condition for which the planet of Mirial demanded in return for sending their Force Sensitive children to the Jedi.

But despite neither of them having any say in the matter, the truth was Barriss could not have asked for a better master. There was no person in the galaxy she admired and respected more.

"Shall we begin?" Luminara asked.

The sound of two blades and their signature humming and whooshing filled the room. Both Mirialan Jedi were posed at the center of the room, their postures shifting in sequence; their movements perfectly synchronized. They were practicing Form Three of lightsaber combat, the form of resilience known as Soresu. The defensive form was the only one that Barriss had felt comfortable with learning, not that it was an issue for Luminara who could claim to be one of the most accomplished masters of this particular flavor of lightsaber art.

It was most certainly an honor for Barriss to be taught her favorite form by one so skilled in it, and her movements certainly captured how well she had learned from her master. The two were nearly identical in the precision of their motions, the way both the green blade of Luminara and the blue blade of Barriss would move in almost perfect union.

Almost.

"Very good, Barriss," Luminara complimented her Padawan as their lightsabers took a passive stance upright before themselves. "But now I would like us to switch things up."

Barriss watched as her master took on a new stance, extending her lightsaber outwards and holding it with a more relaxed grip. Barriss, being an avid scholar of Jedi teachings, was able to immediately recognise Luminara's shift into Form Two: Makashi.

Unlike Soresu, which focussed entirely on the user's defense, this form was centered around dueling and attacking. For obvious reasons; Barriss was not thrilled with the idea of being proficient with this form.

But as her master instructed her to familiarize herself with as many forms as possible…

The last thing I'm going to do is flat-out refuse to try.

Barriss followed suit, taking up the same stance with some level of confidence. As though seeking approval, the Padawan turned her head to glance over at her and saw no reason to think she had done it wrong.

As Luminara began to move, her Padawan echoed though not with quite the same level of synchronization demonstrated with Soresu. Regardless, it was quite adequate, and the two Jedi resumed their training with this slightly less familiar form.

"It's become especially clear to me how important it is for a Jedi to have flexibility," Luminara explained, having recently been humbled by one so much less experienced than herself. "Remember, as Jedi we keep the peace, but sometimes peace can only be achieved by demonstrating strength. There will always be adversaries who cannot be reasoned with — who only seek chaos — and when those times come…we must show we are capable of fighting it."

Barriss continued to listen as she swung her lightsaber, allowing her wrist to flow freely and her other hand far away from her hilt.

"I'm… not sure I agree, master." Barriss snuck in her input while the sabers kept whooshing.

There was a pause before Luminara replied.

"I understand you have a firm view on what a Jedi should represent, Barriss," she finally spoke. "but these are dark times, and the Jedi have stepped up to fight against the evil consuming the galaxy."

The Mirialans did not speak for the rest of their training session. They cycled through various forms from Shii-Cho to Niman. In spite of Barriss' personal feelings regarding how she wished to use her lightsaber, the Padawan had clearly spent enough time studying and practicing.

When the two deactivated their lightsabers and bowed, Barriss found herself looking worriedly at Luminara's patch once again. It made a wave of shame fill her. Such a sensation was easy for Luminara to feel also.

"Do you feel responsible?" Luminara asked, curiously.

Barriss' eyes trailed off, the shame becoming more visible on her face now.

"I refused to accompany you," she shook her head, displeased with herself. "I should have been there to aid you; to protect you."

Instead, Barriss opted to remain at the Jedi Temple. It is where she has stayed since she witnessed many of her fellow Jedi perish to the sound of a cheering crowd on Geonosis. Though she survived that day, she was never the same again. It became harder for her to sleep, and the Force didn't speak to her like it once did.

It was harder to find balance within herself.

Now there's only darkness shrouding over every inch of the Temple, she thought.

Instead, Barriss decided to dedicate much of her time to expanding her use of Force Healing, a peculiar talent that not many Jedi possessed. Though the Mirialan would not partake much in the form of fighting on the battlefield, she could aid in the recovery of those she thought braver than herself.

Without even looking at her, the Padawan could feel the aura of her master come closer. Their hand placed itself on her shoulder assuringly.

"I understand that things have been difficult for you since Geonosis," Luminara began. "not everyone, especially someone your age, can be reasonably expected to eagerly reenter the fight."

Barriss however did not look so convinced, curling her black lips slightly as her blue eyes looked back at her master.

"I wasn't the only Padawan who survived Geonosis, master," she reminded her. "Master Skywalker had also been a Padawan at the time."

Now he's a Knight, leading his own battalion. With his own apprentice, even.

"He's older than you, Barriss."

"By a year or so…"

He wasn't the only one, either. Several Padawans had been given a swift promotion to Knight a few weeks following Geonosis. The Order had found itself with a need for accomplished Jedi to replace their fallen — having lost several hundred — and so many got to skip the traditional trials and commence their journeys as full-fledged Knights sooner, for Geonosis was considered a great trial as is.

Barriss was not one such Padawan, however. She suspected that Luminara would not stand for it, being as traditional as she was. Or maybe she could just simply tell she wasn't ready.

"You are being too hard on yourself," her master said, seeking to remove her doubts.

Luminara motioned with her hand for Barriss to walk with her from the training room. The Mirialan Jedi left together, walking in sync just as much as they had been during their form practise, with their hands humbly together and cloaks shuffling against the ground.

The Jedi were walking the Temple hallways together. At these times, the halls were not quite as busy as they used to be. So many Jedi spread across the galaxy. It was more common to see younglings and their instructors roam the temple than the Masters, Knights and their Padawans.

Just another reason to make Barriss feel… inadequate. At her age, she was the prime example of a Jedi Commander. There were even Padawans younger than herself getting in on the action.

Yet she was always just here, looking introverted and timid.

She felt pathetic.

"Skywalker is… an overly eager person," Luminara continued suddenly, being somewhat careful with her choice of wording. "He is rushing his teachings. He wants to be a Jedi Master before he's thirty, I'm sure."

Plus, it was no secret that he had certain Chosen One privileges.

"You are not like him. You are patient, and disciplined. It won't be long before I sense your Great Trial is necessary, and in the end you will be the wiser Jedi for it."

They stopped for a moment, Luminara looking down firmly at her Padawan while she looked back with a softer expression. The master then closed her one visible eye, and focused on the future.

"I sense that you will become an exceptional Jedi, Barriss," Luminara predicted with her eye still shut, as though wording her thoughts as they came to her. "The best of us. Your differences are something to embrace, not be ashamed of."

Her eye opened again, the blueness just as vibrant as her Padawan's. The two were quite similar in a way. Oftentimes, Barriss saw Luminara as a living example of what she could be.

Or, at least a greater me.

"Thank you, master." Barriss tipped her head respectfully. It admittedly felt good to hear such high praise, even if she didn't feel deserving of it.

"You are dismissed, Padawan. I have things to attend to." Luminara bid her farewell, turning from her and walking off in another direction. "You have done well today. Try not to stay up too late reading, I can see the tiredness in your eyes."

Barriss blinked. It was true there was a certain shadow beneath her eyes that hinted at her fatigue. The Padawan hadn't slept well since Geonosis, and the looming presence of the Dark Side all around her made it difficult to rest. She instead spent many a night in the Jedi Temple medical bay, assisting those who had returned with wounds that Barriss hoped to turn to scars.

Not all scars are on the outside, she thought.

Mere months ago, the day her master told her that they were going to Geonosis to free their fellow Jedi from Count Dooku, Barriss had been eager to put her skills to the test. Years spent learning of her abilities; there was a chance to see how powerful she truly was.

And instead she felt utterly powerless. Just a scared teenager fleeing with what few survived.

A humbling event that shook her to her core, and she had still not recovered from it.

Suddenly Luminara's high praise just a moment ago didn't feel so inspiring now.

Barriss made it back to her quarters, a humble little room like any Jedi possessed. The Padawan removed her hood and cloak and adjusted the head covering around her face and scalp. It was custom for a Mirialan female rooted in tradition to conceal their hair in public, however in this little domain of hers she was free to let her tied-up brown hair breathe.

She's right, I need rest.

But before she could even try, Barriss had to first achieve some amount of inner balance. She knelt down in front of her altar, and placed her lightsaber down at the base. Assuming a meditative stance, the Mirialan engaged in a breathing exercise. Air passing through her nose, through her lungs, and out again. The movement of her chest was subtle, her posture barely changing.

In this seemingly peaceful stance however, the darkness was far easier to sense. The… wrongness of everything around her. A shroud looming over the temple, looking to consume it. A force that was everywhere, yet could not be seen.

And Barriss was powerless to stop it.

Her meditation failed to bring her any closer to balance; and that meant getting some sleep anytime soon would be one thing she would continue to struggle with.