20BBY - Coruscant - Year 2 of The Clone Wars
Barriss sat at the center of her quarters on a stool, donning little more than her underwear. A sight that would have been most unusual for anyone to see, considering the Mirialan had often presented herself so modestly. True, it would have been especially awkward for anyone to witness her like this: with her head bare, her hair free, and all of her tattoos fully observable.
But this was not just any regular evening at the Temple. No, Barriss had recently returned from her assignment on Drongar. An assignment that was deemed to be the most important one of her life as a Jedi.
Should you return a greater Jedi, worthy of Knighthood you shall be.
Drongar was more than just an assignment: it was her Great Trial. One especially selected for her with her unique perspective of the war. An assignment that did not seek for her to find conflict, but one that tested her resolve as the Jedi Healer she wished to be.
And tested it was. Drongar was not just another planet caught in the jaws of civil war, it had a great strategic importance as one of the few natural producers of a medicinal plant extract known as Bota, a miracle drug with immense healing properties. Both the Republic and the Separatists had a keen interest in control of the system. Which meant that the fighting was especially ugly, and Barriss had to believe that was no coincidence when the Council determined this would be her trial.
The attempted hardening of my character, perhaps… I suppose getting dropped face-first into the mud has a way of humbling you.
And as for a devious plot by a Separatist spy to undermine The Republic's presence on the planet? Foiled thanks to her.
Throw in a corrupt Republic admiral looking to set himself up for life, a master martial artist who had a grudge against her, and The Hutts? She was in for far more than she ever could have known when she disembarked for that inhospitable jungle planet
Ugh, and the heat…
Drongar had been so humid and warm. Not kind to one donning Mirialan-Jedi robes who spent the vast majority of her life in the mild temperate of Coruscant. She had sweat so much that she had half a mind to think her tattoos were going to wash off—to the point she had to stomach covering herself significantly less to avoid overheating.
But that was hardly the worst of it.
Thankfully she was not sent as a Jedi general or even a commander, but merely as a healer. However, this did not mean that she did not endure great challenges. Support on the backlines of the conflict aboard a MedStar-class Republic vessel by name of Rimsoo. Which meant she got to witness the true aftermath of war, with its victims being delivered to her on bloodied stretchers.
She had never seen such a gruesome display in all her life. The time she spent in the infirmary at the Temple was not preparation enough. Injured Jedi coming home with relatively non-lethal wounds was easy compared to platoons of clones being delivered on stretchers soaked in red, with limbs missing, screaming for their brothers.
Like animals delivered to the slaughter, she thought grimly.
But alas, she persevered. Saw to the recovery of many a clone so they could fight another day; with the help of some Republic surgeons, of course.
And then there was the Dark Side. Barriss' brush with it—it had changed her forever.
When thrusted into a grim setting, pushing her to her edge, learning the highly sought-for Bota drug had unforeseen properties with regards to Force Sensitives, enhancing her connection to the Force for an easy power boost, a power fuelled by the Dark Side…It was just as her Master once described it while they were both engaging in a salutation at a Coruscanti park years ago:
It will feel better than anything you have ever experienced, better than you would have thought anything could feel. It will feel empowering, fulfilling, satisfying. Worst of all, it will feel right. And therein lies the real danger.
Those words resonated in Barriss just as much as it scared her. For while she ultimately resisted its temptations…the sensation lingered within her. A memory of the empowering feelings that her senses will forever crave to experience again. The Dark Side did not take her, but her mental barriers against it waned.
It is over now, at least. The need for fighting on Drongar dissipated when the bota plant mutated and became useless. Barriss, along with the friends she had made along the way, were lucky to escape the planet once the Separatists commenced a large-scale assault to control the remaining bota fields yet to undergo the change into a useless plant.
But they failed. The Republic made off with an immense amount of the drug, and she had overcome her struggles. Drongar was now a planet with no military value, no more fighting and death had to stain the world any further.
Truly, the experience had made Barriss a different person.
A different Jedi.
But was she a better one?
"Are you ready, Barriss?"
She had not been alone. But there was certainly one person in this world that she could stomach to see her in her most bare form.
Might as well be the woman who had practically raised her.
"Yes, Master." Barriss replied, respectfully joining her hands together.
Luminara approached Barriss, holding a humble looking cup of a black mixture she stirred with a slow pace. The older Mirialan sat beside her, still stirring as she looked her in the eyes.
"After today, you will have no need to call me your Master anymore," she reminded her. "Did I not tell you this day would come sooner than you think?"
It was true, Barriss had received her Knighthood upon her return. To be knelt in the Jedi High Council chamber as the grand master himself had her remove her hood so her Padawan braid could be cut, it was a satisfaction that was rivaled by no other. Barriss had never seen Luminara smile so intensely.
It almost made her cry to see how proud she had made her, in spite of all her self-doubting.
I am now a Jedi Knight, she told herself constantly, still not fully convinced this had all not been a dream.
But she should know better. She seldom had pleasant dreams anymore.
"I was never impatient, master." Barriss told her with a creeping smile, still intent on referring to her with such high regard.
Luminara gave a small nod. Indeed, Barriss was no Skywalker.
"Quite right you are, Barriss."
Luminara dabbed the needle she held into the black mixture within the cup. Though Barriss was officially already a Jedi knight, there was one last bit of tradition that needed to be taken care of. A tradition that only Mirialans could understand:
The act of marking its individuals for their acts of prowess.
Luminara carefully set down the cup, loomed in on Barriss from her left side, holding her upper arm as the needle homed in carefully. Barriss tipped her head and closed her eyes, trying to remain perfectly still while Luminara worked.
"You…have been an exceptional Padawan, Barriss." She told her as the needle began to work, blotching the yellow skin with dark patterns that was to stretch around the width of her upper arm like a band. "You have demonstrated great patience, discipline and wisdom beyond your years."
Throughout Luminara's work on inking her, Barriss occasionally gave the slightest mumble of discomfort, and the small impulses of her arm jolted from the needle penetrating her skin. But this was hardly her first time getting tattoos, in fact the face was by far the most unpleasant.
She was a small child then. Now she was nearly a full adult, and her tattoos had grown since then. Mirialans expanded their markings with each notable achievement. She could only wonder how a Mirialan as accomplished as Luminara looked under her robes, how much ink stretched across her skin.
"Careful." Luminara spoke gently.. "Even in a time of great turmoil, in a time where it is easy to give in to the darkness, you have never ceased in your journey to become the greatest Jedi you could be—such a quality that even I could be inspired from."
Luminara soon finished applying the markings to Barriss' arm. Her master then applied a cloth to rub off the excess ink. Once it all looked nice and clean, Luminara leaned her head back slightly to admire her work. A beautifully designed pattern of diamonds alike to the ones found on the rest of Barriss' body, encircling the width of her upper arm.
"I could not have asked for a better Padawan. You have been a model student of the Order, and it was my honor to be your master."
There was no response from Barriss, Luminara hearing only a small sniffle escape her. She looked over to observe Barriss' face, noticing that the younger Mirialan had streams of tears slowly rolling down her cheeks.
It made Luminara chuckle, this singular huff of amusement escaping her.
"Thank you, master." Barriss spoke softly after a moment, feeling dumb for getting mushy. "Sorry."
Barriss opened her eyes, sucking up her emotions, and turned her eyes to looking at the new tattoo she had received. The tattoo that marked her achievement in passing her Great Trial, and now making her a greater Mirialan for it.
"Rise, Knight Offee."
They both rose. Her former mentor placed both hands on her shoulders, firmly gripping her as she nodded, proud of the Jedi knight she had created.
Then they bowed their heads. For the first time, they would now part ways not as master and apprentice, but as acquaintances.
As friends.
But to Barriss, Luminara would always be like her mother.
"Rest well, knight." Luminara bid her as she turned to make her leave.
Barriss just watched her leave for a mere moment before bidding her the same: "You as well, master."
The knight was then left alone in her room, the last of the sunset light oozing through her blinds starting to fade. A chill ran along her back, making her aware of the fact she was almost naked again. Barriss stood there, absorbing and making sense of all her emotions, still rubbing her sore arm.
I've made her so proud, she thought with great pleasure, a satisfied smile on her face, eyelids heavy.
Barriss found herself caught in a moment of stasis as the natural light from the outside faded, along with the warm aura that Luminara wrought.
The chill around her didn't feel like the regular cold of simply being naked. As she closed her eyes, she worked her senses to figure out the disturbance, as futile as that always was.
Once again, she was reminded of the shroud surrounding the Temple. The Dark Side clouded everything. It often felt like she was the only one in Order who could see it, and that was a burden she alone had to bear.
She tried to see past it, but could not penetrate it with how thick it hung. Her new insight gained from Drongar, and her new rank did not make her feel anymore capable. No, now the darkness was doing more than just merely clouding her…now it was calling to her. Begging for her to let in it, to let it show her the promises of empowerment that she had briefly experienced on Drongar.
Barriss was now a Jedi knight, but at this moment? She only felt like a helpless and naked teenage girl.
The Jedi opened her eyes, her posture becoming stiff, frozen in place as the shroud completely immersed her even as she refused to let it creep in further. The barrier that was her will against the Dark Side protecting her from it.
But as she looked down at herself, past her fit figure and her fresh new tattoo, she noticed her hands shaking. She raised them up to her face before rubbing them together, trying to warm them up.
But she knew just as well that it wasn't anything to do with them being cold. It was in this moment that reality came crashing down on Barriss:
Drongar did not make her a greater Jedi.
She was more vulnerable than ever. What she had experienced had poked more holes in her already fragile mental barrier. Her run-in with the Dark Side had made her instincts more eager to embrace it, breaking down her will.
And her belief that she was not cut out for war? Only affirmed ever stronger.
Being a Jedi knight required one to conquer their fears. But Barriss' were more apparent than ever.
She was not ready for this.
Her Knighthood was a sham. She did not earn it, and she had a pretty confident feeling as to why she was given this honor.
The Council wants another general on their frontline, she came to the worst possible conclusion, but one that seemed perfectly right for the Jedi Order of today.
With that miserable feeling sinking in, she could do no more today than simply lie down to rest as best she could. Assuming her usual sleeping stance by laying flat on her back, her head upright, her fingers locked together and placed over her stomach.
By practicing her breathing exercises that she typically resorted to whenever she found herself in a crisis of faith, Barriss could often bring herself back. But this strategy was getting harder as time dragged on, and less effective.
But tonight, it would manage to do the job once again, as Barriss drifted off.
The repeated sound of blaster fire resonated in the humid air, bolts of blue and red discharging in opposite directions. Explosions, shouting, and crumpling metal filled Barriss' senses. The setting of a colorful jungle with exotic plant life, a pallet of greens and blues and reds blending together.
She found herself in the midst of a battlefield, but where exactly was she? She could not work that out.
"General, orders?" A familiar sounding voice asked close to her.
Barriss instinctively didn't believe it was referring to her, but she turned her head to find a clone commander at her side, just looking directly at her alone. There was no Luminara or any other Jedi at her side, which meant he could only be talking to her.
My orders? General? She could only think, being put on the spot.
She couldn't possibly know how to respond, but somehow something that sounded right managed to come out from her lips.
"Advance, Commander." Barriss replied with a confident and assertive tone that seemed so unlike her. "We need those AT-TEs pushing on the enemy's front."
The clone nodded, before motioning his hand to the tanks some distance away to start moving.
Barriss just stood with her hands behind her back as the clones moved. She carried herself well, even if she couldn't comprehend things from within.
A Republic General? Me? Where am I?
"Zonder?" she then asked aloud.
Barriss glanced to her other side to suddenly find a Selonian Jedi towering over her. He just gazed down at her with his feline-like eyes, his rather brutish stance not quite complimenting his role as a Jedi Padawan.
Wait, Jedi Padawan?
"Yes, Master?" he replied in a deep, hissing tone typical of the furry bipedal race.
Barriss took her lightsaber in hand—the blue blade igniting, demonstrating her intent.
"I trust you're ready to improve your lightsaber skills in a more practical way?"
The large mammalian Jedi unclipped his bulkier lightsaber from his belt, holding it firmly in his huge clawed hand, bringing it to his face before igniting it.
"I will not disappoint, Master." he promised.
And so the Jedi took to the front, marching ahead with a squad of clones in front of the AT-TEs to get them to the front. As blaster fire from the Separatist droids came their way, the Jedi defended themselves, swatting bolts out of their path.
"Zonder! Soresu stance, Form Three!" she called out. "Do not forget your forms!"
Her large Padawan nodded, assuming a stance similar to her own as they continued to make their way forward. Their clone forces returned fire, ample cover from the AT-TE tanks bombarding the Separatists.
B1 and B2 model droids in the masses stood against them, and in rows they would drop at the superior firepower of the Republic forces closely following the Jedi. It was looking to go as well as it could.
But only dread filled Barriss' stomach. The confidence that had directed her suddenly dissipated, her fingers beginning to quiver, legs shaking. Her actions here were not reflective of her inner turmoil. It was like she was possessed, then suddenly permitted control of herself again in the middle of a nightmare.
She was in a trance, the mindless motions of defending herself from blaster fire, cutting droids, and instructing her Padawan went by in a blur. The white noise of warfare deafening her, ringing her ears until the Mirialan had to stop and crouch down to clear her head.
"What am I doing?!" she cried out, the real Barriss coming through, holding her head and tipping her head down. "This- this isn't me!"
It was her worst fear realized, the very thing she dreaded most came to reality. To be sent to the frontlines, and to take a younger Jedi with her to experience the same hardships that had traumatized her. To be another cog in the war machine that the Jedi had become, servants of conflict, bearers of the Dark Side.
A system she was now partaking in.
The Mirialan couldn't handle it. She had to shut out her surroundings, closed herself off from the nightmare, hoping it would all come to pass. Finding herself in a void, where everything became quiet, leaving her just with the sound of her breathing. Falling to her knees and watching as the scene around her continued to play out, clones running past her, her Padawan continuing forward deflecting blaster fire on his march towards the enemy. Even from here, she recognised that his form was not ideal. It was sloppy. He had never been much for lightsaber lessons.
How - why do I know this?
She had never even met a Zonder, yet seemed to know everything about him now.
The feline Jedi noticed her presence missing, turning his concentration from keeping his defense up to look over at her, starting to feel overwhelmed by the barrage of red bolts tossed in his direction as he took a step back with one of his huge clawed feet.
"Master!" she saw his mouth say, but no sound escaped. The Selonian rushed over to her, swinging his saber over his shoulder to maintain some level of defense, though not enough to prevent a blaster finding its mark right on his leg, making him stumble to a crouch before her.
"Urgh! Master, as you alright?" he voiced his alarm to her wellbeing, hovering his titan arms over her as though to shield her.
"N-no, Zonder…" she said weakly, tone stuttering with fear. "I'm not ready for this, I never was…The Council should not have assigned you to me…"
Her Padawan would jerk as he took another shot to his sturdy back, howling. But it did not break his resolve to defend his master.
"I understand, Master," he surprisingly did not falter. "Allow me to protect you."
Zonder wrapped his powerful arms around his master's much smaller frame, bringing her in for a sort of embrace. Their union created a bubble of respite for Barriss, her face nudged against his large warm chest, tightly screwing her eyes as she allowed her manifested fears to play out.
But no peace could last forever.
The music of warfare was heard loudly once more. Barriss' eyes shot open to see the still, blank expression of her Padawan barely a small gap from her face. His arms had gone still, eyes empty, and breathing stopped.
Smoking holes were riddling his back, their trails rising upwards before fading into the humid air.
"Zonder…" she whispered his name, placing her hand on his chest, her tone heavy with grief.
For a Jedi she had never met; that she wasn't even sure existed.
"Thank you."
She could not rest. Separatists forces had gained momentum thanks to her failure to keep her composure. Barriss had to quickly rise from her Padawan's still knelt form. Her lightsaber in hand, defending herself from the advancing droids. Deflecting their shots back towards them, now on the retreat as she stepped back.
The AT-TE tanks she could still hear behind her. Good, they would provide her supporting fire. She just had to keep holding.
"Fire on the enemy, I can't hold it forever!" she called out, face tensed as she managed to maintain her defensive form.
The heavy thud of the tank's legs stopped close behind her. Barriss was unable to figure out what had gone wrong, being too occupied with defending her front from the endless B1 droids marching mindlessly towards her.
All she heard was the whir of the tanks cannons, repositioning their aim.
Not at the droids?
Sensing something was wrong, the Knight turned her head just in time to witness their beams of blue light escape to direct themselves at their new target: herself. The Mirialan shrieked as they tore right through her body, making her collapse into the wet ground, her lightsaber rolling from her hand.
Unable to even so much protest their friendly fire from her body's shock, Barriss would fearfully look up as a shadow began to envelop her. The shape of the walker's foot raising above,
Barriss couldn't even so much cry out as it brought itself down.
Blackness following.
"Zonder!"
Barriss called out for her Padawan, rising up from her bed. It was dark, and she squinted. She quickly saw that she was in her quarters at the temple again, the room dark and deafeningly silent. It took a few seconds for it to sink in, but when it did she would slump on her back again.
Just a dream, she thought with relief.
Indeed it had all not come to pass in actuality. But the horror of what she experienced shook her to the core in the real world all the same. The Mirialan was a slightly lighter shade of yellow than normal, her body slick with sweat soaking into what little she was wearing.
But the stillness of her small slice of the galaxy was comforting in comparison to her manifested fears.
Barriss wiped her forehead, before turning on her side, nuzzling her head into her damp pillow. The Knight engaged in more breathing exercises, closing her eyes and trying to find balance within herself again.
It felt so real…
It was well-known amongst Jedi that their dreams were often a bit more surreal than what the common sentient experienced. Being attuned to The Force meant being connected to the wider galaxy; which meant you often saw things that could be considered inexplicable to most and even maddening to some.
That was not to say Barriss was feeling totally at grip with her own sanity at this moment.
Just a dream? she wondered to herself, turning over on her other side now. Or something more?
The Force worked in mysterious ways, and it was rarely clear in how it communed to those who sought to follow it. Barriss could not figure out if it was truly just an impossible vision… or a hint at her future?
As a Jedi Knight, she would now be eligible to become a Republic General and to have a Padawan assigned to her. Essentially repeating the same cycle that was now the Jedi Council's war machine.
That scared her more than anything.
A common saying among the Jedi was that fear led to the Dark Side. How could Barriss expect herself to ever be a worthy Jedi if she was so utterly consumed by fear?
Sometimes she envied those who were born without special attunement to the Force. To be able to glide by in life, oblivious to the true state of the galaxy. There was a certain comfort in that—a comfort she could never possess.
Being a Jedi sounds like an appealing thing to the masses, but they never understand how truly hard that life is. The amount of discipline, the control of one's inner self, it was a high ask for most. There was a reason why many people brought to the Temple do not pass their trials and become full fledged Jedi, instead joining the service corps of the Order. Like the Agricultural Corps, for example.
Maybe her life would have been easier just farming crops.
But no. Barriss was considered one of the most exemplary students of the Jedi Order. A Padawan who showed no signs of unconformity; a perfect apprentice to Master Unduli and a shining example of the Order.
A reputation she did not feel she deserved.
Barriss looked down her arm, and started looking over her new tattoo again, gliding her finger over it. The flesh surrounding it slightly red in complexion, the skin bulging slightly where the needle had repeatedly penetrated. It was beautiful, truly. Luminara was an excellent artist as much as she was a Jedi. Every tattoo that marked Barriss' body was her masterful work.
She only wished she felt that this one was truly earned.
Barriss assumed her sleeping stance again, but it became clear to her after a while that she wasn't going to sleep again tonight. If she wasn't going to sleep, she could find other ways to pass the time productively. She rose up, and stepped over to her altar, lighting its candles before crouching down before it. The Mirialan took up her lightsaber in her hand, and ignited the blade perfectly vertical before her face, letting her blue eyes get lost into the similarly coloured bright laser. As though to affirm her place as a Knight, strengthen her resolve.
I'm a Jedi Knight. I'm a Jedi Knight. I AM a Jedi Knight. I am…
She repeated that, over and over. As many times as necessary to bring back her faith in herself.
However brief it would be.