19BBY - Coruscant - Final year of The Clone Wars
Unlike the Jedi Archives, the Jedi Infirmary saw no lack of use during war time. The ranks of the Medical Corps of the Jedi Order were filled by Jedi who had chosen to serve the Order even after failing their trials as initiates. Though these individuals would never become full-fledged Jedi Knights, they could still serve their home in honorable ways. Educational, Agricultural, Explorational and, of course, Medical.
These individuals, trained as assistants and technicians, could still find purpose in their life even if it meant they would never wield a lightsaber. Assisting the Jedi healers however they could, fulfilling roles alike to that of a nurse. This also, of course, meant they were ineligible to ever be sent to the fields of battle.
How I almost envy them, Barriss sighed to herself.
Master Stass Allie was the leading member of the corps, the Tholothian Jedi being particularly adept with her ability to heal with the Force. Over the years she had passed her knowledge down to other Jedi who showed affinity for the skill.
Barriss was one of these Jedi healers who she had taught in this field, spending much of her time in the infirmary. She was well-known amongst the Medical Corps, being one of the most notable figures who served with them and one of Allie's most capable healing students. Of course, she had been Master Luminara's student first and foremost, but for all of Luminara's immense talents, a Jedi healer she was not. The calling for being a healer was simply more suited to Barriss, and not something Luminara could teach her.
In a way, Allie was like her second master. She had crafted her into a skilled mender of ails, a virtue that had now been thoroughly proven on Drongar when serving aboard a Medstar-class vessel.
The respect and admiration she had garnered had only grown since becoming a Knight.
A pity she seldom felt deserving of it.
Barriss was standing alone in one of the medical bays – the recovering patients were out of it on their beds – looking out of the windows to the Coruscanti sights. The sun was beginning to set, painting a calming orange visage across the sky. She would take anything she could get to help maintain her inner peace. Said inner peace was absolutely crucial for a Jedi, but especially so for one who sought to use Force Healing. The act of drawing upon the Force to mend damage was the act of using oneself as a conduit to which the Force could flow, quite literally directing your own life into the being needing…correcting. Without balance within oneself, there was no possibility of healing.
Barriss' balance? It was now more unsettled than ever. Her mind was getting harder to put at ease. For the past few weeks, her healing abilities had been getting more difficult to use. When she found herself healing, flashes of…disturbances would appear in her mind, distorting her ability to focus, knocking her off her inner balance. The sound of blasters, screams, lightsabers whirring. Something was haunting her. She did not know what exactly it meant – that being a common sentiment these days when the Dark Side clouded everything – but she knew one thing for certain.
It was her future.
And it was getting closer.
"Master Jedi, Barriss," A human girl in Medical Corps robes, greeted the Mirialan at the doorway behind her while she was city-gazing. "Master Allie is requesting your immediate assistance with… a problematic case."
Barriss turned, springing to action. She approached the girl, hands together and a swiftness in her steps.
"Of course, Nayla, show me."
Barriss was led a few rooms down the hall, finding herself introduced to an intense sight as a Master Allie and a few of her assistants were managing a Verpine Jedi, who appeared to be bleeding profusely at several points. The abdomen and the leg looked like geysers as green fluid spilled onto the bed, then dripped onto the floor.
"Barriss, good," Allie gave a brief greeting, letting her assistants take over for a moment as she turned to see her Mirialan student. "I have a council meeting to attend, could you please manage things here in my stead? Master Sahdett requires immediate care."
Barriss gave one glance over to the mess that was being left to her, then fixed her blue eyes into the head healer's equally penetrating purple ones.
"Of course, leave it to me, Master."
Barriss felt deceptive in her confidence. She knew that she was troubled, unbalanced. But she was hardly prepared to stack problems upon Master Allie.
"Good, I will return soon. Thank you, Barriss," Master Allie bade a quick farewell before leaving for her next meeting.
A meeting of the Jedi High Council, what brutish things will they discuss, I wonder? Oh, perhaps they'll decide it's time for me to take up my lightsaber and lop off some heads. This war needs more soldiers, after all.
Barriss shook off those dark thoughts, surprised at where her own mind just wondered. Instead, she remembered one of the basic premises of being a Jedi.
Focus on the now.
"Jedi Offee will take care of you, Master," One of the assistants assured Master Sahdett, urging the sentient to lay down flat.
Barriss approached her patient, observing the Jedi as he winced slightly. His wounds looked back, and she immediately identified the problems: large cuts across his stomach area and lower left leg. They appeared to be injuries from slicing, the cuts deep and precise.
"Vibroblade?" She simply asked, though was pretty confident in her assumption that such a question did not need to be pitched.
Master Sahdett coughed upon trying to speak, taking a moment before he could reply. "Yes, a BX unit managed to get in too close. Those things can be awfully quick."
Commando Droids were capable foe to the lesser Jedi. For a master, it must have been a hectic situation for one to get such a lethal blow in.
Well, here it goes..
Barriss stepped closer still, placing her hand upon the chitinous surface of the Verpine's chest. She began to feel him, not in the typical sense, but truly feel him. To see him not through his physical form, but his presence through the Force. That was the distinction between a healer of the flesh, and a healer of the Force.
But it required Barriss to maintain inner balance. Else…
She closed her eyes, inhaled and exhaled through the nose. Barriss began the same process that every instance of Force Healing required: Emptying her mind, giving herself up fully to The Force, allowing herself to be its conduit.
I can… I can still see it…
Master Sahdett's presence in the Force. His…. life force. The fading entity, damaged and weak. Getting weaker still. Barriss just had to reach for it, to immerse it in the healing energy of the Force. It was like traversing a wholly separate reality, seeing the universe through the eyes of Force itself.
But as she worked, Barriss' face made her difficulty evident.
They happened again. The flashes of disturbance. Images of ignited lightsabers whirring, overwhelming firepower of blue bolts directed to them, the sabers getting fewer and fewer. It was a vision of death, in the droves. Not just of the war… of something more. She felt herself in this, knew that it was speaking of her own doom.
The end of the Jedi.
Then, the familiar sight… the face of her master, Luminara. Her beautiful features, quickly decaying. The face Barriss had found such comfort in became distorted, rotting. The skin drying, eyes sinking back, lips peeling.
Death.
Then Barriss' eyes suddenly opened. Streaks of sweat had been gliding down her face. Her breath had been paced. She remembered where she was. The Medical Corps assistant, Nayla, had been gently shaking her shoulder.
"Master Jedi… Barriss, he's gone."
Barriss looked down again at the bed, and saw Master Sahdett's unmoving form. His wounds remained open, blood still oozing from them. His large red eyes were empty.
He was dead.
Barriss was stunned. Her lips twitched, but found it hard to put together the words. She had failed to heal him, and he was now dead on her watch.
"H-how long was I…?" Barriss' voice was quiet, confused.
"About… a half-hour," Nayla gave a hesitant reply, seeing for herself that Barriss was looking lost.
An hour!? The passage of time shocked her. How had this taken that long, the images in her mind seemed so brief.
"I-I see," Barriss removed her hand from her failed patient's chest, her yellow skin blotched with his green blood. She held it up to her face, and saw how she quivered. Then noticed her assistants watching, silently. Expressions of somberness marked their faces, unsure of what to make of the situation.
A Jedi Master has died because of me…
Barriss paced back, taking in the sight of her failure. Never had she actually failed to save someone like this before. She had just stood there with her hand on him looking like an absolute tool.
"I'm sorry…e-excuse me."
She turned, quickly retreating from the room. Immediately turning the corner to press her back against the wall, her bloodied hand covering her mouth.
My healing power…
Barriss muffled a whimper with her palm - she couldn't let herself break down here, not when someone had just perished under her care. She removed her hand from her mouth, his blood still smeared on her face, as her eyes filled with tears.
…it's gone.
Barriss had to use every bit of strength in her, but she sucked in her emotions. She placed her hands together, getting her shakes under control. Then she hurried off, leaving the medical bay. Not as a healer, but as a failure.
A Jedi Healer, she could consider herself no longer.
Barriss entered the Jedi War Room. She had been summoned by Master Windu to discuss how she could make herself useful after her healing abilities dissipated.
The fact the Jedi even had such a room seemed so contradictory to what they were supposed to represent.
Barriss remembered, years ago, when she and Luminara had been present for a meeting between the Jedi and Chancellor Palpatine. She never forgot the exact words Master Windu had used when talking about what the Jedi could do for their Republic in times of war.
We're keepers of the peace, not soldiers.
How things have changed since then. Master Windu had become one of the most prolific voices of the Jedi in favour of partaking in the conflict. As one of the most powerful Jedi of the Order, he had engaged in many battles himself. He was much like Anakin in this regard, and that was why Barriss was dreading having this talk.
She was a Jedi Knight, now. A skilled combatant. Master Allie had to dismiss her role as a healer after her failure to save Master Sahdett as a result of her inner turmoil.
What else could such a Jedi do, now?
Barriss pushed her troubles within for now, approaching Windu at the holotable. She had walked in on a conversation between him and Aayla Secura, the Twi'lek Jedi conversing as a hologram beside the table. She stood between them, and shared respects.
"Barriss," Windu greeted plainly with a small nod of his head as Barriss bowed, Aayla's slightly distorted, wobbling image shared the sentiment. "I've heard about your incident in the infirmary. Please don't blame yourself for Master Sahdett's passing. I'm sure you did all you could."
His words spoke of assurance, but his tone was so dry as he delivered them. If only it were so easy for her to accept things as such.
"As you say, Master Windu," Barriss gave an equally barren response.
Having gotten that discussion point out of the way surprisingly swiftly, Windu moved on to the real reason he summoned Barriss.
"Yes, well," he began, placing his hands behind his back. "With you having been relieved by Master Allie of your duty as a Jedi Healer, we can discuss other roles for you to take on."
He pressed a button on the table to bring up a projection of a planet. Separatist ships were displayed surrounding the system. Barriss saw clearly what "other roles" Windu had in mind.
"The Separatist's have managed to gain a strong foothold on Felucia. As a major strategic system along the Perlemian Trade Route, we can't allow it to remain in their hands. However, there is more…"
He pressed a button, minimizing the image of the system and bringing up a projection of a Gossam of luxurious appearance. Exotic jewels and silks dressed their small blue frame. Such an individual gave the easy assumption of being a Separatist leader.
"Presidente of the Commerce Guild and Separatist Leader: Shu Mai. She is reported to be the leading figure of this occupation and is expected to remain in this system to oversee it on behalf of Count Dooku."
Barriss stepped forward, and studied the figure. She remembered her. This had been the sentient who instigated the border dispute on Ansion years ago.
Suddenly, her reason for being brought here was beginning to make a lot more sense.
"A Republic force will be mobilized in the coming months and sent to Felucia, to wrest control of the system and take Shu Mai into captivity if possible."
Windu then stopped, to allow Barriss to give input. The Mirialan gazed at the images presented to her for a bit more, before she dragged her eyes barely to Windu.
"You wish for me to lead this team?" she supposed, eyes not quite meeting with him.
"Not lead," he corrected her, before gesturing to Aayla Secura. "Once Master Secura has finished with her current campaign, she will embark for Felucia with the 327th Star Corps as the leading Republic General."
Master Secura? Barriss thought, noting the new title for the Twi'lek.
It would seem that she had now become a Jedi Master. The Council was certainly eager to reward feats of combat, these days.
"The Council has suggested that you join me as my supporting Commander." Aayla now pitched in, speaking to Barriss with her thick accent. "Your past experience with Shu Mai on Ansion will be valuable, Knight Offee."
Master Windu would concur. "You've proven yourself on Ansion, Geonosis, Drongar, and Umbara. As a Jedi Knight, it's time for you to take on a more involved role in ending this war.'
Barriss stood there, hands together and silent. Every ounce of her being wanted to reject this proposal, and she knew the Jedi could not force her into battle if she did not want to partake. Yet, it was difficult for her to put her foot down and say no to her superiors.
She merely gave a small nod.
"Master Luminara has spoken of you in very high regard, Barriss," Secura said, giving her a warm smile. "It will be an honour to fight alongside you."
Barriss returned the smile, even if she could not express it genuinely.
"It's settled then," Windu stated decisively, before stepping closer to bring up another matter, clearly more personal. "There is something else…"
Barriss turned to him, now bringing her eyes to his at last.
"The Council has deemed it would be appropriate for you to have a padawan assigned. It's expected that Felucia will be a hard-fought campaign, so the backup will be invaluable."
Suddenly this was starting to sound very familiar to Barriss…
"Oh?" Barriss mouthed her surprise, and Windu nodded.
"Yes. There are currently no Mirialan younglings ready to become padawans, so a Selonian by name of Zonder will be taken under your wing. Master Secura is not expected to finish her current campaign for some months, so you will prepare your padawan in that time until the Felucian campaign is commenced."
Windu continued to go on, and Barriss saw his mouth move while Aayla Secura watched at her side, nodding intermittently. But it all became noise to Barriss. Drowning out in her mind, was the sounds of warfare playing out again. Sounds that had become so familiar to her.
"Zonder!" She heard herself cry out in her mind. "Don't forget your forms!"
"Of course, Master. Allow me to protect you."
"I can't do this!"
"Zonder…"
Then her death. Being crushed under the heel of an AT-TE walker. It all became apparent to her, now. That dream she had, the vision that had plagued her mind all this time… it was no mere dream, the Force had shown her something far more significant.
It was her future.
The Temple no longer felt like her home.
As Barriss stood at the temple hanger, she watched for what felt like a long time. Transports moving Jedi in and out, masters taking their padawans barely out of childhood off to partake in conflict that no one their age should have to see.
Even clone troopers could be found here, now. Munitions, blasters, explosives… how could any Jedi possibly claim their order represented anything other than just another cog in the Republic's war machine?
She remembered when the only time she had to come here was so that she and her master could voyage into the stars to advance her learning in the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. See great things, things that would make the mind race with wonder. Now it was just a place to ship off soldiers.
And worst of all, no one else shared her sentiment. No one could possibly understand her. Luminara was the one individual Barriss admired more than anyone in her life, and even she was just another cog in the Republic war machine. Ahsoka was no better. Anakin had grown apart from her.
With no one to lean on — to help her keep her faith as a Jedi — it made her feel so utterly alone.
And soon, I'll be stepping onto one of those transports, she thought grimly.
Barriss knew for a fact that if she did that, she would not be coming back.
How could she get herself out of this?
Finding no answers gazing at this hanger, she walked off back to her quarters. Even that place did not ease her anymore. The smog of the darkness that surrounded the temple had thoroughly seeped into her one safe space, and left it feeling just as cold as anywhere else. As she meditated, as she slept, as she woke. It was always there, constantly keeping her on edge. Begging for her to let it in. A sensation that had crept around her ever more since Drongar. A sensation that refused to go away.
No one's mental barriers could withstand constant pressure forever.
The Mirialan unclipped her lightsaber from her belt, practically letting it roll out of her hand to lay in front of her shrine. She knelt down before it, and lit her candles. But she felt like just swatting it away, and curling into a ball. Then just staying like that till she died.
Ugh, I'm being overdramatic, she rolled her eyes to herself.
Nonetheless, she realized her heart was racing, having gotten herself so pent up with anger and fear. She had to bury those emotions deep down, knowing how dangerous they were to a Jedi.
Barriss sighed, relaxing her posture, shoulders slumping. She reached around her head and pulled her hood down, then removed her head covering and the band that kept her hair tied back, shaking it free. Traditionally, it was custom that female Mirialans covered particularly modestly. This way of life was not shared by all, however, it was not uncommon to see Mirialan women who did not wish to partake.
Luminara however chose to remain attuned to her people's culture. As her Padawan, Barriss felt it was only right to follow suit.
Traditions had been the root of her entire life for the two decades she had existed. The life of a Jedi was one filled with discipline and removal of desire. When she was younger, Barriss felt perfectly content with that. Now, with everything going on, everything she held to be important had been shaken. Her faith in everything that had ever meant anything to her, was now balanced on crumbling foundations.
If it were all to fall… she didn't know what she'd do.
She thought back to Drongar when she injected herself with Bota. How the hypersensitivity to the Force it granted her gave her the answers to everything she sought. In that case, considering the context, she had used it to root out a spy. If she could only have entered that state again, she might have been able to help firmly root her beliefs once more,
But alas, that was a slippery slope to the Dark Side. She could not possibly risk delving there. Ultimately, for all her disillusionment, she was still a member of the Order.
An Order that is failing…
As Barriss became lost in sad contemplative thought as she considered her options — and not the meditative kind — a gentle knocking was heard at the door.
"Barriss? Could I come in?"
Barriss wanted to scoff at herself, having been so occupied with her looming mental breakdown that she didn't even sense the familiar presence of Ahsoka Tano.
"Oh, uh yes," Barriss invited.
The door slid open, and it was there that Ahsoka stood. She looked down at Barriss, her eyes briefly widening when she noticed the Mirialan's hair was free and loose. It made her awkwardly avert her eyes with a half-hearted effort. "Oh, um sorry… should I wait for you to…?"
Had her mood been better, her reaction may have amused Barriss. The sight of her hair being a taboo sight to the Togruta was not actually warranted, for while a traditional Mirialan female was expected to cover modestly, it wasn't as though there was some punishment for slip-ups like this. She often had her head uncovered on Drongar in the humid heat.
"It's fine. Come in."
Ahsoka turned her head over again, gazing at her friend's dark strands as she closed the door and walked to stand beside her, before then kneeling down next to her in a similar meditative stance.
"Master Allie asked me to check on you," Ahsoka told her, a sympathetic softness to her voice. "Barriss, I hope you don't blame yourself for Master Sahdett."
Barriss shuffled in her place. "If you say so, Ahsoka."
Ahsoka could see that she was intent on being brooding.
"Come on, Barriss…" She began again. "How many lives have you saved? You can't beat yourself up over one lost patient."
The Mirialan merely gave her an unconvinced glance, frowning. That made the Togruta sigh, and the next little while was quiet as the two just knelt without exchanging words. Ahsoka reconsidered her next angle to take until she spoke again.
"Do you remember when we were freezing to death, just hoping Master Fisto got to us before we perished?"
An unpleasant time for Barriss certainly, when Geonosian brainworms infested their ship, took control of the clones they commanded and managed to get to Barriss too. The only way to save everyone was to reduce the ship's temperature to freezing as the brainworms could not survive such conditions. It was a real risk, and there was a good chance everyone could have died. It paid off, however. Nearly everyone managed to get out alive thanks to Ahsoka.
Ahsoka was a real hero that day. But for Barriss, it was yet another damaging memory in her psyche. She had pleaded with Ahsoka to kill her that day… perhaps it would have been for the best if she had.
"I don't believe I was conscious," Barriss plainly stated.
There was another moment of awkward pause, now Ahsoka's turn to shuffle. Her eyes glanced over at the floor, then to Barriss, then the floor again. She looked like she had something to say that made her nervous and it would be some time before she finally forced her words from her mouth.
"It was nice to hold you."
Ahsoka practically gulped upon getting those words out. She looked embarrassed, twirling one of her lekku with her finger.
Yet another pause. Ahsoka didn't even get a reaction out of Barriss outside of her blue eyes glancing at her for a split second, who was letting this conversation get very one-sided. She felt compelled to say more. She scooted over to Barriss closer, and hesitantly raised her hands to place them on Barriss' shoulders.
"I know I'm just a padawan, and you're an esteemed knight," Ahsoka began again, with the smallest smile and a hint of sarcasm. "But that doesn't mean you can't lean on me…not like you're gonna pull rank on me, right?"
Ahsoka tried to pull Barriss in, a gentle effort. She had hoped the Mirialan would allow herself to fall back into Ahsoka's arms so she could embrace her, hold her the same way she did those years back, and protect her from all her troubles.
But she didn't budge. Barriss remained stiff, unmoving.
When Ahsoka realized, a whelming sensation of embarrassment came over her. Her fingers latched off from the Mirialan, and she slumped down, looking down at herself feeling stupid. She wished she could have done more for Barriss right now, but it seemed her friend was simply in need of time alone.
Ahsoka could see that she was doing no good here.
"Well, if you want to talk…" Ahsoka held her own arms as she stood up, taking a shriveled up posture. "I'm always here for you, you know? Take care, Barriss."
Barriss didn't even look at her friend as she left, closing the door after her. Ahsoka's words had not remotely resonated in Barriss, for her mind was already completely away from her immediate surroundings. Thoughts of failure, fear, death. These were the only things that lived in her head now.
Barriss was alone again, with some relief escaping in the form of a small exhale from her mouth. In her isolation, Barriss closed her eyes and attempted to meditate, but only sensed it once more: the cold.
Without Ahsoka's presence it was making her vulnerable again. It was all around her, now. Her fear and her anger was making the room cold, colder than the medical frigate she almost died in years ago, colder than when the biodome on Drongar malfunctioned and buried her waist-high in snow.
Barriss always liked cold weather. It often gave her comfort. Far preferable to immense heat. Breezes, snow, rain, clouds. These were the climates that made her feel at ease.
But this was no mere weather.
It was that same sensation she experienced on Drongar several times, when she almost killed a martial artist who tested her too far, when she injected herself with Bota and felt she had become a living conduit of the Force.
It was the calling of the Dark Side.
She knew well how it felt, now. The allure of power and the promise of clarity. To make the cold that she had spent her life resisting her ally.
Barriss had spent so long resisting it. Ever since Drongar it was always there now, constantly looming over her. She just could not make it go away no matter how much she affirmed her Jedi beliefs within. It was said that once a Jedi brushes with the Dark Side, it would forever dominate their destiny.
But she was getting so very tired of fighting it.
Barriss clenched her fists, screwed her eyes shut tighter, gritted her teeth.
I can't keep doing this.
Every ounce of her being knew that it was wrong to let it in. Her Jedi training had prepared her for years for this moment. Her entire life had been dedicated to following the path of the light and the rejection of the darkness.
Just for it to end up like this, for the Jedi to become nothing more than glorified soldiers who have lost their way. Who were already servants of the Dark Side as is by partaking in this war the way they have. Blood was on the hands of the Jedi, they have wrought the very same fear and suffering they felt glad to lecture her about her entire life.
And soon they were going to send her off to Felucia to die.
Her entire life had been a lie. That made her feel so… so…
Who are they to tell ANYONE about the Dark Side?!
When Barriss opened her eyes, her shrine had been raised up to her face. It was floating, along with her lightsaber and everything else in her room. Levitating at her whim, without her even realizing she was making the effort.
She glanced around, stricken with fear. Then she felt it: the coldness was not surrounding her anymore.
It was inside her.
Barriss exhaled, a slight whimper leaving her as she experienced what could only be described as a snap-freeze from within. It left her stiff, barely able to move an inch as she struggled to let go of everything in her room, stuck with a struggling grimace on her face.
Then Barriss suddenly let go, slumping to her side as everything she held up came crashing back down, distorting everything around her and making her quarters look like a mess.
The Mirialan gasped, gulping air as though she had been winded by a punch to the gut.
Oh no, what have I done….?
It took her some time to gain sense of her feelings again. The cold was gone at last, a feeling of comfort that she had not experienced since before the war. Even her mind no longer felt addled by turmoil, clarity finally coming to her.
All her troubles had melted away. Barriss' fearful expression gave way to one of relief, quietly giggling to herself, amazed to finally feel some comfort for the first time in years.
The Mirialan didn't try to get up, turning to lay stretched out on the ground, looking up at the ceiling, her dark loose hair spread out upon the floor. She looked as though she was coming off a high from some high-quality spice.
She felt amazing.
In her moment of tranquility, everything now became clear to her. The Jedi had led her into a life devoid of meaning, and now they intended to make her just another general to fight their wars. They were doomed, and she was not going to let them drag her down with them.
Her head turned to see how her lightsaber rolled close to her relaxed hand. Barriss hooked her fingers around it, and gripped it tighter than she had ever had before. She brought it to her chest, her once-soothing soft eyes now filled with a hateful fire.
"The Jedi are finished," she muttered to herself.
It was a decisive statement. For the first time in years, Barriss now knew what she had to do.